Audio: Man: Hello, this is Simon speaking.
Well, during sex, I sometimes think about my ex-girlfriend.
I am wondering if it's normal, considering I have a girlfriend and all.
Woman: Hello, Miss G.
My name is Maëva, I am 18.
I often hear that women always reach orgasm after men,
like if we were actually programmed this way.
I've heard that it takes more time for women to come,
and for men, it is supposed to happen faster.
I actually have the opposite problem with my lover.
He always comes after me.
Should I worry about this?
Are we abnormal, or what?
Thank you, Miss G. Cheers.
Man: Hello.
I'm Pierre, calling Miss G.
After sex, I don't like to cuddle.
My lover would like to hug me,
but I'd rather be on my own a little bit, before hugging.
He tells me that it is not normal and it's a concern for me.
I would like to get your opinion on this. Thank you. [Beep]
(Applause)
Giulia Fois: Am I normal?
There it is.
The question I hear on the air, every night or so,
it bothers nearly each listener, explicitly or not.
It is the same question sex therapists hear in their sessions,
time and time again.
I know it can seem foolish.
But, every single one of you here, deep within yourselves,
at least once in your life haven't you pondered:
"Why? Why this sudden urge? Why this specific desire?
Why did I have this dream? Why this fantasy?
Why him? Why her? And why this way?
Why, now? Is this all normal, really?"
Consequently, I asked myself,
"With sex, what does it mean to be normal?
Is there a sexual norm?
Can sexuality actually be normal?
Is it something we should wish for?"
When such questions are popping up,
the best approach is to go back to basics.
Let's take a look at what the dictionary has to say about it.
First, the dictionary tells us that:
normal: conforming to the nature of a being or a thing,
to the organization of that thing, something usual, logical, ordinary.
Second option:
normal: complying to an average considered as a norm,
that has no exceptional features;
and finally,
normal: can be used as a rule, a model, a reference.
Let me suggest you to examine these definitions together,
one after the other, to check if they make sense.
Let's check if sexuality can conform to the nature of a being or a thing,
if it can be usual, logical or ordinary.
Voice: Woman: Hi Miss G, I'm Charlotte.
I'm calling you because tonight's theme is orgasm.
For me, the best way to summarize that state is:
"I can't be held responsible for my actions."
When it occurs, it captures the whole body and eclipses all the rest.
Strangely, it's a bit like when sneezing, or someone tickling you.
We might never be as aware of our own self as in that very moment
and it can even lead to embarrassing situations.
I remember, I recently reacted rather violently
after my lover accidentally interrupted my orgasm.
I told him, "I hate you! Don't you ever do that again!"
I apologized afterwards. Shame on me to act like a brute.
Well, that's also what orgasm is. That's why we love it so much!
Thank you, and have a good show!
[Ringtone]
GF: That's right. Orgasm means complete abandon.
A total letting-go that shakes us to the core.
This means that when we love, when we desire,
nothing conforms to the nature of things anymore.
We are out of ourselves, we are beyond ourselves.
We all know it: heart beating hard, butterflies in the stomach,
depending on the situation.
Dilated pupils.
Our body refuses to obey us, and the mind plays in a loop.
It's totally abnormal, yet totally natural.
Poets called it the intoxication of senses.
And science and medicine finally admitted they were right.
Yes, when we love we are always a bit drunk, a bit insane.
Actually, in response to a sexual or sensual stimulus,
our brain releases a mixture of hormones
that will give us a natural high.
First of all, the brain secretes dopamine,
the hormone of motivation and reward, that makes us come back for more.
When everything goes well, the brain also secretes endorphins,
the hormone of pleasure.
Finally, it secretes oxytocin, the hormone of attachment.
We could say we are in overdrive.
It appears clearly with brain imaging.
All the brain areas linked to motivation are hyper-excited
When this state goes on, it is called love.
Love is biologically blind, because at the same time,
all brain areas related to critical judgment are somehow dormant.
Love is totally abnormal, that's its essence.
When we reach the peeks of sexual pleasure, it gets even worse.
Voice: Man: Hi Miss G, Felix speaking.
I am calling for tonight's show.
What does it feel like to achieve orgasm?
For me, having an orgasm means to feel and sense everything,
as well as not feeling nor sensing anything.
Contradictory feelings that come and go, like shot from a machine gun.
I am happy, I am comfortable, and then I am sad, and melancolic,
I feel like laughing, I feel like crying.
I feel like...
We call the orgasm "the little death",
and with reason.
Because we feel alive, we merge with our partner.
We don't talk about her or me anymore, we talk about us.
We are a whole, a unity.
The world can end right now and nothing else matters.
Having an orgasm is somehow like dying, in a certain way.
Have a great evening. Bye.
GF: I can see that some of you relate to this,
and it is actually good news.
Indeed, when sexual pleasure increases,
it reaches our guts,
towards something more spontaneous, even animalistic.
An animality that we spend our lives trying to tame, to civilize,
because "this is the way", or "that is not how we behave".
Then, all of a sudden, none of that matters.
Our self loses part of its grandeur, it gets less reasonable,
less polished, it's an exalting self.
Yes, it is disturbing. It's troubling, and it's scary.
So we feel the need to cling to the familiar, to stereotypes,
to "ready-made thinking", to common-place ideas,
and to others, to all the others surrounding us,
We think that they know and do better than us,
because they do "do things", at least in our minds.
Therefore, we cling to our beliefs,
in another word, to the average behavior, the norm.
More precisely, the statistical norm.
I've got a piece of great news for you!
Every single week, every single day,
a new investigation, survey, research,
or new data on sexual activity is released on the Web, or on TV,
and there's a lot to ponder about.
Here's an example:
13.5 cm:
the average length of the French man's penis,
according to a Ulster University.
It places us at a decent position, in a European rating,
not too shabby, at least.
Gentlemen, refrain yourself from checking right away.
We all know, there is more than size!
Size hasn't stopped anyone from making love 97 times a year,
according to a Durex study.
That's an average of twice a week, and it seems to satisfy most of us.
And especially left-handers!
86% of left-handed people,
I am left-handed,
86% of the left-handers claim to be very satisfied with their sexual life,
while only 15% of the right-handers are.
But, what's the point?
I have no idea.
Of course the authors of this study do not explain anything.
It'd be too good to be true.
Let's get back to our 2 times a week.
Twice a week, it's pretty good.
Pretty good.
You are left-handed, aren't you? I am so happy for you!
You are among the 86%, no doubt!
So, twice a week, it's fine.
But we can do better.
Look at this data! 3 times a week.
According to a study conducted
by the University of Edinburgh, it's no small matter,
people who have sex 3 times a week
look 7 to 12 years younger than their actual age.
Wow!
Ever better than Botox!
Let's add one more time: you hit the jackpot!
People who have sex 4 times a week
are 5% richer than others.
Another side effect: they are also less depressed, and more intelligent.
You see... Just don't ask me why!
Of course, nobody explains why.
It shows that what matters is to do it, and to do it a lot.
The cult of performance that we have all followed
for the last 20 years or so, hasn't spared our sexuality.
The statistical norm for our sexual activity is "always more",
always further, always stronger,
and the only question that matters today is not "How?" anymore, but "How much?"
Voice: Woman: Hi! I am calling for "Miss G like Giulia".
I would like to know whether sexual normality exists.
I would think that there isn't any, because as people usually say:
"We all have our own rhythm", "We all have our own balance",
How to define a good rhythm?
Twice, 3 times, 10 times, 20 times a week?
It sounds weird to count how many times,
but is there a magic number, a norm?
GF: Don't laugh!
I feel like laughing too, actually,
were I not convinced that right here, right now,
there are at least a few among you pondering the same question:
"Wait a minute, how many times was it already? Am I okay?
Am I in the right range?"
Here, I'll give you the stats, so we can move on.
The real numbers, not the bogus Internet studies.
Actually, only one enquiry about our sexuality is valid today
It's a research conducted by INSERM,
published in 2008 and titled:
"Context of sexuality in France" (CSF).
According to the CSF study,
we, French people, make love on average 9 times a month.
Okay? Everybody's alright?
9 times a month, but wait, wait, wait!
When a couple lives together, the number goes down.
and down...
and down.
Still according to the researchers at INSERM,
among those who are in a relationship for 2 or 3 years,
10% have told the researchers that they hadn't had sex for 3 months.
Let's talk about sexual practices.
If we believe what our favorite magazines tell us,
you know, the ones that nobody reads, but that everybody secretly does,
and according to TV documentary,
we should all have become S&M, swingers, libertines,
or all the three together, why not.
We would all have a sex toy hidden in the kitchen drawer, just in case.
We are good to go!
Here again, the CSF study shows that 3,6% of men and 1,7% of women
claimed to have been once in their life to a partner-swinging club.
That's not exactly a societal phenomenon.
Sex toys: a famous weekly women magazine, don't ask me the name,
recently titled its front page:
"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"
The article was based on a study stating that 45% of French people use sex toys.
Okay.
We should always check how the surveys were conducted
and who did them.
It's always useful.
Considering that this study was done by a sex toy manufacturing company,
that only its clients were actually surveyed,
and that the results serves the company well...
who will ever know that?
We don't care either if the other 55% of French people don't use sex toys.
All what matters is the nice headline:
"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"
What does the CSF study have to say about sex toys?
78% of French people have never used a sex toy.
Never.
Generally speaking, the CSF study's conclusions are definitive.
I'm afraid the great Gang Bang hasn't occurred yet.
Since the Sexual Revolution, in the 1970s,
very little or nothing has changed.
We still consider our sexuality as essentially heterosexual,
with penetration, in a conjugal context.
Not exactly a revolution, is it?
But that's not very sexy.
You need to be flashy, to make much ado,
because in front of the alcove's silence, the mysteries of intimacy, the unknown,
we are scared.
It's very scary.
It's scary because, what happens there?
What happens when we make love? Nobody knows.
You can put word to desire. You can't quantify pleasure.
Feeling experiences is subjective, per definition.
And that, too, eludes us.
That's scary too.
You know, numbers are suitable. They make sense, they are comfortable.
So we measure, we compare, we analyze.
Then, suddenly, magic occurs!
Meaning shifts,
and a neutral and objective norm turns into a moral judgment.
From what the average person does, it becomes what everybody must do.
Sexuality has become mandatory, what society accepts, or prohibits.
When we imagine everybody is having sex,
all the time and everywhere,
as soon as we feel awkward, at the slightest decrease in performance
we feel so very has-been, close to a loser,
somehow abnormal.
But, we forget that these studies say nothing about us.
Yes, they are important, because they serve a purpose:
they take the pulse of society, at a specific time.
On the other hand, they say nothing at all about us.
They say nothing about me either.
Frankly, I'd rather make love only once a month,
if that one time is glorious,
instead of 10 lame times a week.
You'll agree with me on this one.
(Applause)
Thank you.
What pleases me, doesn't necessary suit you.
My sexuality belongs to me, and solely to me.
It is yours, and yours only.
For once, hard sciences agree with social sciences:
Psychoanalysts, sex therapist or neurobiologists, they all agree:
We are all somehow programmed to have various desires,
to have fantasies, more or less intently,
and more or less powerful orgasms.
That is the result of a combination of environmental factors,
cultural and biological factors, and our emotional journey.
These are the ingredients that make our very own sexuality.
We combines them in our own personal way.
The process is more or less conscious.
We reach a result that is deeply personal, and unique to each of us.
Actually, these are variations we should focus on:
those within your usual sexual appetite, your usual pleasure.
What really matters is to be truthful to yourself.
Sexuality cannot be normal,
because it cannot be normalized.
Sexuality is, by definition and by nature, unique, individual, singular.
That's scary too, because there is no reference, no compass.
Basically, within legality, and between two consensual partners,
we all do what we can, and what we want.
So, the good question is not to ponder whether we are normal.
There real question is, "What do I want?"
It is a difficult question.
We can spend a lifetime looking for the answer.
Even worse, the answer can change the next day.
Sexuality is like an organism; it moves and shifts.
What is true today might not be true tomorrow.
Nevertheless, that complicated and scary question,
that can sometimes be painful,
this very question makes us free.
It opens doors to countless possibilities.
And it is, most importantly, more accurate.
Naturally, I will ask you this very question.
All of you, here today.
What do you want?
Thank you.
(Applause)