WEBVTT

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Audio: Man: Hello, this is Simon speaking.

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Well, during sex, I sometimes think
about my ex-girlfriend.

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I am wondering if it's normal,
considering I have a girlfriend and all.

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Woman: Hello, Miss G.

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My name is Maëva, I am 18.

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I often hear that women always
reach orgasm after men,

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like if we were actually
programmed this way.

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I've heard that it takes more time
for women to come,

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and for men, it is supposed
to happen faster.

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I actually have the opposite problem
with my lover.

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He always comes after me.

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Should I worry about this?

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Are we abnormal, or what?

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Thank you, Miss G. Cheers.

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Man: Hello.

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I'm Pierre, calling Miss G.

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After sex, I don't like to cuddle.

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My lover would like to hug me,

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but I'd rather be on my own a little bit,
before hugging.

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He tells me that it is not normal
and it's a concern for me.

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I would like to get your opinion on this.
Thank you. [Beep]

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(Applause)

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Giulia Fois: Am I normal?

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There it is.

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The question I hear on the air,
every night or so,

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it bothers nearly each listener,
explicitly or not.

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It is the same question
sex therapists hear in their sessions,

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time and time again.

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I know it can seem foolish.

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But, every single one of you here,
deep within yourselves,

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at least once in your life
haven't you pondered:

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"Why? Why this sudden urge?
Why this specific desire?

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Why did I have this dream?
Why this fantasy?

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Why him? Why her? And why this way?

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Why, now? Is this all normal, really?"

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Consequently, I asked myself,

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"With sex, what does it mean
to be normal?

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Is there a sexual norm?

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Can sexuality actually be normal?

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Is it something we should wish for?"

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When such questions are popping up,

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the best approach is to go back to basics.

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Let's take a look at what the dictionary
has to say about it.

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First, the dictionary tells us that:

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normal: conforming to the nature
of a being or a thing,

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to the organization of that thing,
something usual, logical, ordinary.

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Second option:

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normal: complying to an average
considered as a norm,

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that has no exceptional features;

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and finally,

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normal: can be used as a rule,
a model, a reference.

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Let me suggest you to examine
these definitions together,

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one after the other,
to check if they make sense.

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Let's check if sexuality can conform
to the nature of a being or a thing,

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if it can be usual, logical or ordinary.

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Voice: Woman: Hi Miss G, I'm Charlotte.

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I'm calling you
because tonight's theme is orgasm.

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For me, the best way to summarize
that state is:

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"I can't be held responsible
for my actions."

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When it occurs, it captures
the whole body and eclipses all the rest.

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Strangely, it's a bit like when sneezing,
or someone tickling you.

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We might never be as aware of our own self
as in that very moment

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and it can even lead
to embarrassing situations.

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I remember, I recently reacted
rather violently

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after my lover accidentally
interrupted my orgasm.

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I told him, "I hate you!
Don't you ever do that again!"

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I apologized afterwards.
Shame on me to act like a brute.

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Well, that's also what orgasm is.
That's why we love it so much!

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Thank you, and have a good show!

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[Ringtone]

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GF: That's right.
Orgasm means complete abandon.

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A total letting-go
that shakes us to the core.

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This means that when we love,
when we desire,

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nothing conforms to the nature
of things anymore.

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We are out of ourselves,
we are beyond ourselves.

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We all know it: heart beating hard,
butterflies in the stomach,

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depending on the situation.

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Dilated pupils.

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Our body refuses to obey us,
and the mind plays in a loop.

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It's totally abnormal,
yet totally natural.

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Poets called it the intoxication
of senses.

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And science and medicine finally
admitted they were right.

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Yes, when we love
we are always a bit drunk, a bit insane.

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Actually, in response
to a sexual or sensual stimulus,

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our brain releases
a mixture of hormones

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that will give us a natural high.

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First of all, the brain secretes dopamine,

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the hormone of motivation and reward,
that makes us come back for more.

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When everything goes well,
the brain also secretes endorphins,

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the hormone of pleasure.

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Finally, it secretes oxytocin,
the hormone of attachment.

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We could say we are in overdrive.

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It appears clearly with brain imaging.

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All the brain areas linked to motivation
are hyper-excited

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When this state goes on,
it is called love.

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Love is biologically blind,
because at the same time,

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all brain areas related to critical
judgment are somehow dormant.

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Love is totally abnormal,
that's its essence.

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When we reach the peeks
of sexual pleasure, it gets even worse.

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Voice: Man: Hi Miss G, Felix speaking.

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I am calling for tonight's show.

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What does it feel like to achieve orgasm?

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For me, having an orgasm means
to feel and sense everything,

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as well as not feeling
nor sensing anything.

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Contradictory feelings that come and go,
like shot from a machine gun.

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I am happy, I am comfortable,
and then I am sad, and melancolic,

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I feel like laughing, I feel like crying.

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I feel like...

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We call the orgasm "the little death",

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and with reason.

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Because we feel alive,
we merge with our partner.

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We don't talk about her or me anymore,
we talk about us.

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We are a whole, a unity.

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The world can end right now
and nothing else matters.

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Having an orgasm is somehow
like dying, in a certain way.

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Have a great evening. Bye.

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GF: I can see that some of you
relate to this,

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and it is actually good news.

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Indeed, when sexual pleasure increases,

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it reaches our guts,

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towards something more spontaneous,
even animalistic.

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An animality that we spend our lives
trying to tame, to civilize,

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because "this is the way",
or "that is not how we behave".

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Then, all of a sudden,
none of that matters.

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Our self loses part of its grandeur,
it gets less reasonable,

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less polished, it's an exalting self.

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Yes, it is disturbing.
It's troubling, and it's scary.

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So we feel the need to cling
to the familiar, to stereotypes,

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to "ready-made thinking",
to common-place ideas,

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and to others,
to all the others surrounding us,

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We think that they know
and do better than us,

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because they do "do things",
at least in our minds.

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Therefore, we cling to our beliefs,

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in another word, to the average behavior,
the norm.

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More precisely, the statistical norm.

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I've got a piece of great news for you!

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Every single week, every single day,

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a new investigation, survey, research,

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or new data on sexual activity
is released on the Web, or on TV,

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and there's a lot to ponder about.

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Here's an example:

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13.5 cm:

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the average length
of the French man's penis,

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according to a Ulster University.

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It places us at a decent position,
in a European rating,

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not too shabby, at least.

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Gentlemen, refrain yourself
from checking right away.

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We all know, there is more than size!

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Size hasn't stopped anyone
from making love 97 times a year,

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according to a Durex study.

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That's an average of twice a week,
and it seems to satisfy most of us.

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And especially left-handers!

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86% of left-handed people,

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I am left-handed,

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86% of the left-handers claim to be
very satisfied with their sexual life,

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while only 15% of the right-handers are.

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But, what's the point?

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I have no idea.

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Of course the authors of this study
do not explain anything.

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It'd be too good to be true.

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Let's get back to our 2 times a week.

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Twice a week, it's pretty good.

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Pretty good.

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You are left-handed, aren't you?
I am so happy for you!

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You are among the 86%, no doubt!

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So, twice a week, it's fine.

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But we can do better.

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Look at this data! 3 times a week.

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According to a study conducted

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by the University of Edinburgh,
it's no small matter,

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people who have sex 3 times a week

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look 7 to 12 years younger
than their actual age.

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Wow!

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Ever better than Botox!

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Let's add one more time:
you hit the jackpot!

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People who have sex 4 times a week

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are 5% richer than others.

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Another side effect: they are also
less depressed, and more intelligent.

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You see...
Just don't ask me why!

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Of course, nobody explains why.

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It shows that what matters is to do it,
and to do it a lot.

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The cult of performance
that we have all followed

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for the last 20 years or so,
hasn't spared our sexuality.

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The statistical norm
for our sexual activity is "always more",

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always further, always stronger,

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and the only question that matters today
is not "How?" anymore, but "How much?"

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Voice: Woman:
Hi! I am calling for "Miss G like Giulia".

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I would like to know
whether sexual normality exists.

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I would think that there isn't any,
because as people usually say:

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"We all have our own rhythm",
"We all have our own balance",

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How to define a good rhythm?

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Twice, 3 times, 10 times, 20 times a week?

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It sounds weird to count how many times,

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but is there a magic number, a norm?

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GF: Don't laugh!

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I feel like laughing too, actually,

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were I not convinced
that right here, right now,

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there are at least a few among you
pondering the same question:

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"Wait a minute, how many times
was it already? Am I okay?

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Am I in the right range?"

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Here, I'll give you the stats,
so we can move on.

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The real numbers,
not the bogus Internet studies.

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Actually, only one enquiry
about our sexuality is valid today

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It's a research conducted by INSERM,

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published in 2008 and titled:

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"Context of sexuality in France" (CSF).

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According to the CSF study,

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we, French people, make love
on average 9 times a month.

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Okay? Everybody's alright?

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9 times a month, but wait, wait, wait!

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When a couple lives together,
the number goes down.

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and down...

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and down.

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Still according to the researchers
at INSERM,

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among those who are in a relationship
for 2 or 3 years,

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10% have told the researchers
that they hadn't had sex for 3 months.

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Let's talk about sexual practices.

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If we believe what our favorite
magazines tell us,

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you know, the ones that nobody reads,
but that everybody secretly does,

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and according to TV documentary,

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we should all have become S&M,
swingers, libertines,

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or all the three together, why not.

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We would all have a sex toy hidden
in the kitchen drawer, just in case.

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We are good to go!

00:11:37.164 --> 00:11:42.218
Here again, the CSF study shows
that 3,6% of men and 1,7% of women

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claimed to have been once in their life
to a partner-swinging club.

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That's not exactly a societal phenomenon.

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Sex toys: a famous weekly
women magazine, don't ask me the name,

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recently titled its front page:

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"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"

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The article was based on a study stating
that 45% of French people use sex toys.

00:12:03.057 --> 00:12:04.337
Okay.

00:12:04.337 --> 00:12:08.062
We should always check
how the surveys were conducted

00:12:08.062 --> 00:12:09.062
and who did them.

00:12:09.062 --> 00:12:11.421
It's always useful.

00:12:11.421 --> 00:12:14.817
Considering that this study was done
by a sex toy manufacturing company,

00:12:14.817 --> 00:12:18.060
that only its clients
were actually surveyed,

00:12:18.060 --> 00:12:20.652
and that the results serves
the company well...

00:12:20.652 --> 00:12:22.050
who will ever know that?

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We don't care either if the other 55%
of French people don't use sex toys.

00:12:27.390 --> 00:12:29.506
All what matters is the nice headline:

00:12:29.506 --> 00:12:31.939
"Going crazy for sex toys these days!"

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What does the CSF study have to say
about sex toys?

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78% of French people
have never used a sex toy.

00:12:38.610 --> 00:12:40.096
Never.


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Generally speaking, the CSF study's
conclusions are definitive.

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I'm afraid the great Gang Bang
hasn't occurred yet.

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Since the Sexual Revolution, in the 1970s,

00:12:53.332 --> 00:12:56.461
very little or nothing has changed.

00:12:56.461 --> 00:12:59.939
We still consider our sexuality
as essentially heterosexual,

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with penetration, in a conjugal context.

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Not exactly a revolution, is it?

00:13:05.259 --> 00:13:08.270
But that's not very sexy.

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You need to be flashy,
to make much ado,

00:13:12.311 --> 00:13:16.577
because in front of the alcove's silence,
the mysteries of intimacy, the unknown,

00:13:16.577 --> 00:13:18.080
we are scared.

00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:20.216
It's very scary.

00:13:20.216 --> 00:13:22.352
It's scary because, what happens there?

00:13:22.352 --> 00:13:24.907
What happens when we make love?
Nobody knows.

00:13:24.907 --> 00:13:27.960
You can put word to desire.
You can't quantify pleasure.

00:13:27.968 --> 00:13:30.699
Feeling experiences
is subjective, per definition.

00:13:31.411 --> 00:13:33.501
And that, too, eludes us.

00:13:33.501 --> 00:13:35.249
That's scary too.

00:13:35.249 --> 00:13:38.609
You know, numbers are suitable.
They make sense, they are comfortable.

00:13:38.609 --> 00:13:41.057
So we measure, we compare, we analyze.

00:13:41.057 --> 00:13:42.757
Then, suddenly, magic occurs!

00:13:42.757 --> 00:13:44.979
Meaning shifts,

00:13:44.979 --> 00:13:50.811
and a neutral and objective norm
turns into a moral judgment.

00:13:50.811 --> 00:13:56.964
From what the average person does,
it becomes what everybody must do.

00:13:56.973 --> 00:14:02.860
Sexuality has become mandatory,
what society accepts, or prohibits.

00:14:03.740 --> 00:14:06.073
When we imagine everybody is having sex,

00:14:06.073 --> 00:14:07.945
all the time and everywhere,

00:14:07.945 --> 00:14:11.575
as soon as we feel awkward,
at the slightest decrease in performance

00:14:11.575 --> 00:14:15.616
we feel so very has-been,
close to a loser,

00:14:15.616 --> 00:14:18.045
somehow abnormal.

00:14:18.045 --> 00:14:21.635
But, we forget that these studies
say nothing about us.

00:14:21.635 --> 00:14:24.383
Yes, they are important,
because they serve a purpose:

00:14:24.383 --> 00:14:27.382
they take the pulse of society,
at a specific time.

00:14:27.387 --> 00:14:30.717
On the other hand,
they say nothing at all about us.

00:14:31.549 --> 00:14:33.656
They say nothing about me either.

00:14:33.656 --> 00:14:37.777
Frankly, I'd rather make love
only once a month,

00:14:37.777 --> 00:14:39.565
if that one time is glorious,

00:14:39.565 --> 00:14:41.603
instead of 10 lame times a week.

00:14:41.603 --> 00:14:43.963
You'll agree with me on this one.

00:14:43.963 --> 00:14:45.243
(Applause)

00:14:45.243 --> 00:14:46.475
Thank you.

00:14:47.092 --> 00:14:49.963
What pleases me,
doesn't necessary suit you.

00:14:49.963 --> 00:14:52.544
My sexuality belongs to me,
and solely to me.

00:14:52.796 --> 00:14:54.696
It is yours, and yours only.

00:14:54.995 --> 00:14:58.600
For once, hard sciences agree
with social sciences:

00:14:59.467 --> 00:15:03.533
Psychoanalysts, sex therapist
or neurobiologists, they all agree:

00:15:03.533 --> 00:15:07.596
We are all somehow programmed
to have various desires,

00:15:07.596 --> 00:15:10.226
to have fantasies, more or less intently,

00:15:10.226 --> 00:15:12.695
and more or less powerful orgasms.

00:15:12.695 --> 00:15:16.096
That is the result of a combination
of environmental factors,

00:15:16.096 --> 00:15:20.166
cultural and biological factors,
and our emotional journey.

00:15:20.188 --> 00:15:23.009
These are the ingredients
that make our very own sexuality.

00:15:23.009 --> 00:15:25.659
We combines them in our own personal way.

00:15:25.659 --> 00:15:28.175
The process is more or less conscious.

00:15:28.175 --> 00:15:31.580
We reach a result that is deeply personal,
and unique to each of us.

00:15:31.580 --> 00:15:34.465
Actually, these are variations 
we should focus on:

00:15:34.465 --> 00:15:38.055
those within your usual sexual appetite,
your usual pleasure.

00:15:38.055 --> 00:15:41.055
What really matters
is to be truthful to yourself.

00:15:41.055 --> 00:15:42.771
Sexuality cannot be normal,

00:15:42.771 --> 00:15:44.950
because it cannot be normalized.

00:15:44.950 --> 00:15:51.112
Sexuality is, by definition and by nature,
unique, individual, singular.

00:15:51.971 --> 00:15:55.330
That's scary too,
because there is no reference, no compass.

00:15:55.330 --> 00:16:00.627
Basically, within legality,
and between two consensual partners,

00:16:00.627 --> 00:16:05.187
we all do what we can,
and what we want.

00:16:05.202 --> 00:16:08.854
So, the good question is not to ponder
whether we are normal.

00:16:08.854 --> 00:16:10.951
There real question is,
"What do I want?"

00:16:10.951 --> 00:16:12.138
"What do I want?"

00:16:12.138 --> 00:16:13.886
It is a difficult question.

00:16:13.886 --> 00:16:16.168
We can spend a lifetime
looking for the answer.

00:16:16.168 --> 00:16:18.882
Even worse, the answer can
change the next day.

00:16:18.882 --> 00:16:21.726
Sexuality is like an organism;
it moves and shifts.

00:16:21.726 --> 00:16:24.799
What is true today
might not be true tomorrow.

00:16:25.350 --> 00:16:29.807
Nevertheless, that complicated
and scary question,

00:16:29.807 --> 00:16:31.904
that can sometimes be painful,

00:16:31.904 --> 00:16:34.288
this very question makes us free.

00:16:34.288 --> 00:16:36.402
It opens doors to countless possibilities.

00:16:36.402 --> 00:16:38.516
And it is, most importantly,
more accurate.

00:16:39.193 --> 00:16:41.472
Naturally, I will ask you
this very question.

00:16:41.472 --> 00:16:43.092
All of you, here today.

00:16:43.092 --> 00:16:45.426
What do you want?

00:16:45.426 --> 00:16:46.706
Thank you.

00:16:46.706 --> 00:16:48.354
(Applause)