0:00:00.834,0:00:02.872
So my moment of truth

0:00:02.872,0:00:05.936
did not come all at once.

0:00:05.936,0:00:09.562
In 2010, I had the chance to be considered

0:00:09.562,0:00:11.889
for promotion from my job

0:00:11.889,0:00:13.961
as director of policy planning

0:00:13.961,0:00:16.718
at the U.S. State Department.

0:00:16.718,0:00:20.449
This was my moment to lean in,

0:00:20.449,0:00:23.334
to push myself forward

0:00:23.334,0:00:26.028
for what are really only a handful

0:00:26.028,0:00:29.045
of the very top foreign policy jobs,

0:00:29.045,0:00:32.125
and I had just finished a big, 18-month project

0:00:32.125,0:00:34.698
for Secretary Clinton, successfully,

0:00:34.698,0:00:38.929
and I knew I could handle a bigger job.

0:00:38.929,0:00:42.759
The woman I thought I was

0:00:42.759,0:00:44.930
would have said yes.

0:00:44.930,0:00:46.957
But I had been commuting for two years

0:00:46.957,0:00:50.100
between Washington and Princeton, New Jersey,

0:00:50.100,0:00:54.027
where my husband and my two teenage sons lived,

0:00:54.027,0:00:57.293
and it was not going well.

0:00:57.293,0:01:00.998
I tried on the idea of eking out another two years

0:01:00.998,0:01:03.794
in Washington, or maybe uprooting my sons

0:01:03.794,0:01:05.929
from their school and my husband from his work

0:01:05.929,0:01:08.510
and asking them to join me.

0:01:08.510,0:01:11.549
But deep down, I knew

0:01:11.549,0:01:15.080
that the right decision was to go home,

0:01:15.080,0:01:17.996
even if I didn't fully recognize the woman

0:01:17.996,0:01:21.988
who was making that choice.

0:01:21.988,0:01:25.495
That was a decision based on love

0:01:25.495,0:01:27.439
and responsibility.

0:01:27.439,0:01:30.338
I couldn't keep watching my oldest son

0:01:30.338,0:01:31.763
make bad choices

0:01:31.763,0:01:34.458
without being able to be there for him

0:01:34.458,0:01:38.241
when and if he needed me.

0:01:38.241,0:01:41.755
But the real change came more gradually.

0:01:41.755,0:01:43.514
Over the next year,

0:01:43.514,0:01:46.389
while my family was righting itself,

0:01:46.389,0:01:48.053
I started to realize

0:01:48.053,0:01:50.992
that even if I could go back into government,

0:01:50.992,0:01:52.772
I didn't want to.

0:01:52.772,0:01:56.719
I didn't want to miss the last five years

0:01:56.719,0:01:59.551
that my sons were at home.

0:01:59.551,0:02:03.437
I finally allowed myself to accept

0:02:03.437,0:02:06.443
what was really most important to me,

0:02:06.443,0:02:09.852
not what I was conditioned to want

0:02:09.852,0:02:14.550
or maybe what I conditioned myself to want,

0:02:14.550,0:02:19.611
and that decision led to a reassessment

0:02:19.611,0:02:22.634
of the feminist narrative that I grew up with

0:02:22.634,0:02:26.290
and have always championed.

0:02:26.290,0:02:30.142
I am still completely committed

0:02:30.142,0:02:35.327
to the cause of male-female equality,

0:02:35.327,0:02:40.273
but let's think about what that equality really means,

0:02:40.273,0:02:43.200
and how best to achieve it.

0:02:43.200,0:02:46.323
I always accepted the idea

0:02:46.323,0:02:49.248
that the most respected and powerful people

0:02:49.248,0:02:53.753
in our society are men at the top of their careers,

0:02:53.753,0:02:57.928
so that the measure of male-female equality

0:02:57.928,0:03:02.147
ought to be how many women are in those positions:

0:03:02.147,0:03:05.066
prime ministers, presidents, CEOs,

0:03:05.066,0:03:10.169
directors, managers, Nobel laureates, leaders.

0:03:10.169,0:03:14.446
I still think we should do everything we possibly can

0:03:14.446,0:03:16.526
to achieve that goal.

0:03:16.526,0:03:21.651
But that's only half of real equality,

0:03:21.651,0:03:24.999
and I now think we're never going to get there

0:03:24.999,0:03:30.281
unless we recognize the other half.

0:03:30.281,0:03:34.592
I suggest that real equality,

0:03:34.592,0:03:36.863
full equality,

0:03:36.863,0:03:40.078
does not just mean valuing women

0:03:40.078,0:03:42.245
on male terms.

0:03:42.245,0:03:46.863
It means creating a much wider range

0:03:46.863,0:03:50.875
of equally respected choices

0:03:50.875,0:03:53.926
for women and for men.

0:03:53.926,0:03:57.395
And to get there, we have to change our workplaces,

0:03:57.395,0:04:00.309
our policies and our culture.

0:04:00.309,0:04:02.374
In the workplace,

0:04:02.374,0:04:05.677
real equality means valuing family

0:04:05.677,0:04:07.300
just as much as work,

0:04:07.300,0:04:11.863
and understanding that the two reinforce each other.

0:04:11.863,0:04:13.766
As a leader and as a manager,

0:04:13.766,0:04:16.811
I have always acted on the mantra,

0:04:16.811,0:04:19.091
if family comes first,

0:04:19.091,0:04:21.938
work does not come second --

0:04:21.938,0:04:24.242
life comes together.

0:04:24.242,0:04:28.407
If you work for me, and you have a family issue,

0:04:28.407,0:04:30.841
I expect you to attend to it,

0:04:30.841,0:04:32.486
and I am confident,

0:04:32.486,0:04:35.183
and my confidence has always been borne out,

0:04:35.183,0:04:39.174
that the work will get done, and done better.

0:04:39.174,0:04:41.575
Workers who have a reason to get home

0:04:41.575,0:04:44.954
to care for their children or their family members

0:04:44.954,0:04:47.461
are more focused, more efficient,

0:04:47.461,0:04:49.484
more results-focused.

0:04:49.484,0:04:52.613
And breadwinners who are also caregivers

0:04:52.613,0:04:55.220
have a much wider range

0:04:55.220,0:04:57.746
of experiences and contacts.

0:04:57.746,0:05:00.978
Think about a lawyer who spends part of his time

0:05:00.978,0:05:03.579
at school events for his kids

0:05:03.579,0:05:05.405
talking to other parents.

0:05:05.405,0:05:07.463
He's much more likely to bring in

0:05:07.463,0:05:09.403
new clients for his firm

0:05:09.403,0:05:12.664
than a lawyer who never leaves his office.

0:05:12.664,0:05:14.553
And caregiving itself

0:05:14.553,0:05:18.335
develops patience --

0:05:18.335,0:05:20.798
a lot of patience --

0:05:20.798,0:05:26.418
and empathy, creativity, resilience, adaptability.

0:05:26.418,0:05:30.216
Those are all attributes that are ever more important

0:05:30.216,0:05:32.309
in a high-speed, horizontal,

0:05:32.309,0:05:36.758
networked global economy.

0:05:36.758,0:05:39.946
The best companies actually know this.

0:05:39.946,0:05:41.673
The companies that win awards

0:05:41.673,0:05:44.925
for workplace flexibility in the United States

0:05:44.925,0:05:48.151
include some of our most successful corporations,

0:05:48.151,0:05:50.422
and a 2008 national study

0:05:50.422,0:05:52.475
on the changing workforce

0:05:52.475,0:05:54.089
showed that employees

0:05:54.089,0:05:57.591
in flexible and effective workplaces

0:05:57.591,0:05:59.304
are more engaged with their work,

0:05:59.304,0:06:01.794
they're more satisfied and more loyal,

0:06:01.794,0:06:03.627
they have lower levels of stress

0:06:03.627,0:06:06.026
and higher levels of mental health.

0:06:06.026,0:06:09.736
And a 2012 study of employers

0:06:09.736,0:06:12.589
showed that deep, flexible practices

0:06:12.589,0:06:14.979
actually lowered operating costs

0:06:14.979,0:06:17.444
and increased adaptability

0:06:17.444,0:06:20.531
in a global service economy.

0:06:20.531,0:06:23.648
So you may think

0:06:23.648,0:06:27.865
that the privileging of work over family

0:06:27.865,0:06:31.812
is only an American problem.

0:06:31.812,0:06:35.350
Sadly, though, the obsession with work

0:06:35.350,0:06:38.510
is no longer a uniquely American disease.

0:06:38.510,0:06:40.282
Twenty years ago,

0:06:40.282,0:06:42.278
when my family first started going to Italy,

0:06:42.278,0:06:45.881
we used to luxuriate in the culture of siesta.

0:06:45.881,0:06:48.764
Siesta is not just about avoiding the heat of the day.

0:06:48.764,0:06:50.630
It's actually just as much

0:06:50.630,0:06:53.742
about embracing the warmth of a family lunch.

0:06:53.742,0:06:56.945
Now, when we go, fewer and fewer businesses

0:06:56.945,0:06:58.658
close for siesta,

0:06:58.658,0:07:02.196
reflecting the advance of global corporations

0:07:02.196,0:07:05.033
and 24-hour competition.

0:07:05.033,0:07:07.902
So making a place for those we love

0:07:07.902,0:07:11.647
is actually a global imperative.

0:07:11.647,0:07:14.377
In policy terms,

0:07:14.377,0:07:17.813
real equality means recognizing

0:07:17.813,0:07:20.771
that the work that women have traditionally done

0:07:20.771,0:07:22.648
is just as important

0:07:22.648,0:07:25.311
as the work that men have traditionally done,

0:07:25.311,0:07:28.363
no matter who does it.

0:07:28.363,0:07:32.108
Think about it: Breadwinning and caregiving

0:07:32.108,0:07:35.633
are equally necessary for human survival.

0:07:35.633,0:07:39.117
At least if we get beyond a barter economy,

0:07:39.117,0:07:41.354
somebody has to earn an income

0:07:41.354,0:07:44.308
and someone else has to convert that income

0:07:44.308,0:07:48.092
to care and sustenance for loved ones.

0:07:48.092,0:07:50.230
Now most of you, when you hear me

0:07:50.230,0:07:52.955
talk about breadwinning and caregiving,

0:07:52.955,0:07:56.396
instinctively translate those categories

0:07:56.396,0:08:00.127
into men's work and women's work.

0:08:00.127,0:08:02.963
And we don't typically challenge

0:08:02.963,0:08:06.861
why men's work is advantaged.

0:08:06.861,0:08:09.451
But consider a same-sex couple

0:08:09.451,0:08:11.470
like my friends Sarah and Emily.

0:08:11.470,0:08:13.338
They're psychiatrists.

0:08:13.338,0:08:15.167
They got married five years ago,

0:08:15.167,0:08:18.448
and now they have two-year-old twins.

0:08:18.448,0:08:20.520
They love being mothers,

0:08:20.520,0:08:22.088
but they also love their work,

0:08:22.088,0:08:24.298
and they're really good at what they do.

0:08:24.298,0:08:26.319
So how are they going to divide up

0:08:26.319,0:08:28.796
breadwinning and caregiving responsibilities?

0:08:28.796,0:08:30.881
Should one of them stop working

0:08:30.881,0:08:33.573
or reduce hours to be home?

0:08:33.573,0:08:36.252
Or should they both change their practices

0:08:36.252,0:08:39.535
so they can have much more flexible schedules?

0:08:39.535,0:08:41.506
And what criteria should they use

0:08:41.506,0:08:42.800
to make that decision?

0:08:42.800,0:08:44.574
Is it who makes the most money

0:08:44.574,0:08:48.351
or who is most committed to her career?

0:08:48.351,0:08:52.912
Or who has the most flexible boss?

0:08:52.912,0:08:56.237
The same-sex perspective helps us see

0:08:56.237,0:08:58.701
that juggling work and family

0:08:58.701,0:09:00.812
are not women's problems,

0:09:00.812,0:09:03.450
they're family problems.

0:09:03.450,0:09:06.473
And Sarah and Emily are the lucky ones,

0:09:06.473,0:09:08.242
because they have a choice

0:09:08.242,0:09:10.779
about how much they want to work.

0:09:10.779,0:09:13.608
Millions of men and women

0:09:13.608,0:09:16.945
have to be both breadwinners and caregivers

0:09:16.945,0:09:20.485
just to earn the income they need,

0:09:20.485,0:09:23.033
and many of those workers are scrambling.

0:09:23.033,0:09:25.917
They're patching together care arrangements

0:09:25.917,0:09:27.090
that are inadequate

0:09:27.090,0:09:29.501
and often actually unsafe.

0:09:29.501,0:09:34.191
If breadwinning and caregiving are really equal,

0:09:34.191,0:09:35.779
then why shouldn't a government

0:09:35.779,0:09:39.595
invest as much in an infrastructure of care

0:09:39.595,0:09:43.454
as the foundation of a healthy society

0:09:43.454,0:09:46.566
as it invests in physical infrastructure

0:09:46.566,0:09:50.442
as the backbone of a successful economy?

0:09:50.442,0:09:52.778
The governments that get it --

0:09:52.778,0:09:54.625
no surprises here --

0:09:54.625,0:09:56.465
the governments that get it,

0:09:56.465,0:10:01.170
Norway, Sweden, Denmark, the Netherlands,

0:10:01.170,0:10:04.100
provide universal child care,

0:10:04.100,0:10:06.219
support for caregivers at home,

0:10:06.219,0:10:09.386
school and early childhood education,

0:10:09.386,0:10:11.596
protections for pregnant women,

0:10:11.596,0:10:15.981
and care for the elderly and the disabled.

0:10:15.981,0:10:19.662
Those governments invest in that infrastructure

0:10:19.662,0:10:22.991
the same way they invest in roads and bridges

0:10:22.991,0:10:26.126
and tunnels and trains.

0:10:26.126,0:10:28.534
Those societies also show you

0:10:28.534,0:10:30.824
that breadwinning and caregiving

0:10:30.824,0:10:33.208
reinforce each other.

0:10:33.208,0:10:39.047
They routinely rank among the top 15 countries

0:10:39.047,0:10:42.380
of the most globally competitive economies,

0:10:42.380,0:10:44.032
but at the same time,

0:10:44.032,0:10:48.723
they rank very high on the OECD Better Life Index.

0:10:48.723,0:10:52.259
In fact, they rank higher than other governments,

0:10:52.259,0:10:54.928
like my own, the U.S., or Switzerland,

0:10:54.928,0:10:57.857
that have higher average levels of income

0:10:57.857,0:11:03.620
but lower rankings on work-life balance.

0:11:03.620,0:11:06.296
So changing our workplaces

0:11:06.296,0:11:09.592
and building infrastructures of care

0:11:09.592,0:11:11.067
would make a big difference,

0:11:11.067,0:11:15.551
but we're not going to get equally valued choices

0:11:15.551,0:11:18.056
unless we change our culture,

0:11:18.056,0:11:21.197
and the kind of cultural change required

0:11:21.197,0:11:23.952
means re-socializing men.

0:11:23.952,0:11:27.626
(Applause)

0:11:27.626,0:11:29.361
Increasingly in developed countries,

0:11:29.361,0:11:32.443
women are socialized to believe that our place

0:11:32.443,0:11:36.103
is no longer only in the home,

0:11:36.103,0:11:40.999
but men are actually still where they always were.

0:11:40.999,0:11:44.397
Men are still socialized to believe

0:11:44.397,0:11:46.652
that they have to be breadwinners,

0:11:46.652,0:11:49.527
that to derive their self-worth

0:11:49.527,0:11:52.406
from how high they can climb over other men

0:11:52.406,0:11:54.751
on a career ladder.

0:11:54.751,0:11:57.534
The feminist revolution still has a long way to go.

0:11:57.534,0:11:59.436
It's certainly not complete.

0:11:59.436,0:12:01.092
But 60 years after

0:12:01.092,0:12:03.402
"The Feminine[br]Mystique" was published,

0:12:03.402,0:12:05.703
many women actually have

0:12:05.703,0:12:08.681
more choices than men do.

0:12:08.681,0:12:11.409
We can decide to be a breadwinner,

0:12:11.409,0:12:15.556
a caregiver, or any combination of the two.

0:12:15.556,0:12:18.082
When a man, on the other hand,

0:12:18.082,0:12:20.971
decides to be a caregiver,

0:12:20.971,0:12:24.275
he puts his manhood on the line.

0:12:24.275,0:12:27.495
His friends may praise his decision,

0:12:27.495,0:12:31.367
but underneath, they're scratching their heads.

0:12:31.367,0:12:34.468
Isn't the measure of a man

0:12:34.468,0:12:37.399
his willingness to compete with other men

0:12:37.399,0:12:39.779
for power and prestige?

0:12:39.779,0:12:43.875
And as many women hold that view as men do.

0:12:43.875,0:12:46.841
We know that lots of women

0:12:46.841,0:12:50.160
still judge the attractiveness of a man

0:12:50.160,0:12:52.885
based in large part on how successful he is

0:12:52.885,0:12:54.382
in his career.

0:12:54.382,0:12:56.733
A woman can drop out of the work force

0:12:56.733,0:12:58.893
and still be an attractive partner.

0:12:58.893,0:13:03.432
For a man, that's a risky proposition.

0:13:03.432,0:13:05.673
So as parents and partners,

0:13:05.673,0:13:08.860
we should be socializing our sons

0:13:08.860,0:13:11.311
and our husbands

0:13:11.311,0:13:14.635
to be whatever they want to be,

0:13:14.635,0:13:18.254
either caregivers or breadwinners.

0:13:18.254,0:13:21.610
We should be socializing them to make caregiving

0:13:21.610,0:13:23.597
cool for guys.

0:13:23.597,0:13:27.362
(Applause)

0:13:27.362,0:13:33.674
I can almost hear lots of you thinking, "No way."

0:13:33.674,0:13:38.321
But in fact, the change is [br]actually already happening.

0:13:38.321,0:13:40.278
At least in the United States,

0:13:40.278,0:13:42.502
lots of men take pride in cooking,

0:13:42.502,0:13:45.818
and frankly obsess over stoves.

0:13:45.818,0:13:48.805
They are in the birthing rooms.

0:13:48.805,0:13:51.449
They take paternity leave when they can.

0:13:51.449,0:13:53.911
They can walk a baby or soothe a toddler

0:13:53.911,0:13:56.553
just as well as their wives can,

0:13:56.553,0:13:58.302
and they are increasingly

0:13:58.302,0:14:00.869
doing much more of the housework.

0:14:00.869,0:14:02.957
Indeed, there are male college students now

0:14:02.957,0:14:04.484
who are starting to say,

0:14:04.484,0:14:06.360
"I want to be a stay-at-home dad."

0:14:06.360,0:14:08.611
That was completely unthinkable

0:14:08.611,0:14:11.478
50 or even 30 years ago.

0:14:11.478,0:14:14.369
And in Norway, where men have

0:14:14.369,0:14:17.158
an automatic three month's paternity leave,

0:14:17.158,0:14:20.495
but they lose it if they decide not to take it,

0:14:20.495,0:14:22.420
a high government official told me

0:14:22.420,0:14:24.652
that companies are starting to look

0:14:24.652,0:14:26.737
at prospective male employees

0:14:26.737,0:14:30.715
and raise an eyebrow if they didn't in fact

0:14:30.715,0:14:33.111
take their leave when they had kids.

0:14:33.111,0:14:35.940
That means that it's starting to seem

0:14:35.940,0:14:38.142
like a character defect

0:14:38.142,0:14:42.362
not to want to be a fully engaged father.

0:14:45.421,0:14:50.943
So I was raised

0:14:50.943,0:14:54.592
to believe that championing women's rights

0:14:54.592,0:14:56.711
meant doing everything we could

0:14:56.711,0:14:58.485
to get women to the top.

0:14:58.485,0:15:01.204
And I still hope that I live long enough

0:15:01.204,0:15:04.467
to see men and women equally represented

0:15:04.467,0:15:07.514
at all levels of the work force.

0:15:07.514,0:15:11.613
But I've come to believe that we have to value family

0:15:11.613,0:15:14.445
every bit as much as we value work,

0:15:14.445,0:15:16.957
and that we should entertain the idea

0:15:16.957,0:15:20.506
that doing right by those we love

0:15:20.506,0:15:24.422
will make all of us better at everything we do.

0:15:24.422,0:15:26.490
Thirty years ago, Carol Gilligan,

0:15:26.490,0:15:29.447
a wonderful psychologist, studied adolescent girls

0:15:29.447,0:15:32.504
and identified an ethic of care,

0:15:32.504,0:15:35.659
an element of human nature every bit as important

0:15:35.659,0:15:37.646
as the ethic of justice.

0:15:37.646,0:15:40.951
It turns out that "you don't care"

0:15:40.951,0:15:43.872
is just as much a part of who we are

0:15:43.872,0:15:46.152
as "that's not fair."

0:15:46.152,0:15:47.952
Bill Gates agrees.

0:15:47.952,0:15:51.123
He argues that the two great forces of human nature

0:15:51.123,0:15:55.330
are self-interest and caring for others.

0:15:55.330,0:15:57.972
Let's bring them both together.

0:15:57.972,0:16:00.631
Let's make the feminist revolution

0:16:00.631,0:16:03.363
a humanist revolution.

0:16:03.363,0:16:05.107
As whole human beings,

0:16:05.107,0:16:08.951
we will be better caregivers and breadwinners.

0:16:08.951,0:16:11.059
You may think that can't happen,

0:16:11.059,0:16:12.759
but I grew up in a society

0:16:12.759,0:16:15.105
where my mother put out small vases

0:16:15.105,0:16:17.767
of cigarettes for dinner parties,

0:16:17.767,0:16:21.960
where blacks and whites used separate bathrooms,

0:16:21.960,0:16:27.490
and where everybody claimed to be heterosexual.

0:16:28.602,0:16:33.041
Today, not so much.

0:16:33.041,0:16:36.681
The revolution for human equality

0:16:36.681,0:16:38.471
can happen.

0:16:38.471,0:16:40.717
It is happening.

0:16:40.717,0:16:42.999
It will happen.

0:16:42.999,0:16:47.717
How far and how fast is up to us.

0:16:47.717,0:16:49.860
Thank you.

0:16:49.860,0:16:53.860
(Applause)