0:00:06.434,0:00:08.964
I'm guessing that most of you

0:00:08.964,0:00:13.740
have heard the advice[br]so often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt:

0:00:13.740,0:00:16.440
"Do something every day that scares you."

0:00:16.620,0:00:18.860
I got a big check mark right now.

0:00:18.860,0:00:20.260
(Laughter)

0:00:20.260,0:00:22.531
I'm not a fan of public speaking.

0:00:23.282,0:00:26.195
But just to add to my angst,

0:00:26.195,0:00:29.795
I plan to tell you[br]a little bit of my own story,

0:00:29.795,0:00:32.935
and it's kind of rough around the edges.

0:00:33.185,0:00:36.765
But it leads directly[br]to a much bigger story,

0:00:37.028,0:00:40.458
that of a small but mighty group of women

0:00:40.458,0:00:44.112
who came together with a deep commitment

0:00:44.348,0:00:48.827
to being a part of addressing[br]the addiction crisis in our community.

0:00:50.190,0:00:53.164
I don't pretend to be[br]an expert on the subject,

0:00:53.744,0:00:57.994
but I have been to a place[br]where many people have gotten lost,

0:00:58.213,0:01:00.363
some to never return.

0:01:00.524,0:01:03.147
And it is a hell that reminds me

0:01:03.457,0:01:06.313
that while it's really important[br]that we talk about things

0:01:06.313,0:01:10.763
like Vivitrol and detox

0:01:10.763,0:01:12.628
and needle exchange programs,

0:01:12.628,0:01:14.366
and so forth,

0:01:14.784,0:01:16.484
that it's just as important

0:01:16.484,0:01:22.294
that we talk about where healing[br]intersects with hope and purpose.

0:01:23.097,0:01:24.431
So I'm going to begin

0:01:24.431,0:01:30.607
at what was almost the end[br]of my 10-year romance with alcohol,

0:01:30.857,0:01:34.827
occasional love affairs[br]with other substances.

0:01:35.464,0:01:39.513
It was the first Friday of September 1978.

0:01:39.880,0:01:44.812
My doctor entered my hospital room,[br]and he said, "You're going home today."

0:01:45.388,0:01:49.408
And I thought, "Well, I won't go[br]to my home away from home,"

0:01:49.408,0:01:51.438
which was the local bar,

0:01:51.786,0:01:56.076
not because I thought[br]I had a problem with alcohol -

0:01:56.514,0:01:59.894
no, I was just totally humiliated.

0:01:59.921,0:02:04.101
I wasn't that tough chick[br]that I projected to my friends,

0:02:04.101,0:02:05.811
or so I thought.

0:02:07.096,0:02:09.886
You see, on that previous Monday,

0:02:09.886,0:02:11.078
I had woken up

0:02:11.078,0:02:16.033
to the most beautiful,[br]brilliant blue sky,

0:02:16.328,0:02:21.108
with great big billowing clouds[br]stretched across the horizon.

0:02:21.575,0:02:22.915
And it was the kind of scene

0:02:22.915,0:02:27.475
that at one time in my life[br]would have given me such a surge of joy.

0:02:28.667,0:02:31.817
Nature has always been my sanctuary,

0:02:32.875,0:02:37.482
my place where I sense a higher power,

0:02:37.932,0:02:40.812
the magic, the mystery of the universe,

0:02:42.673,0:02:45.876
a healing balm in troubled times.

0:02:45.876,0:02:47.783
But on that morning,

0:02:48.123,0:02:52.523
I couldn't even feel[br]the tiniest little drop of awe.

0:02:53.412,0:02:56.642
That connection had been[br]unraveling for some time.

0:02:57.689,0:03:01.239
And on that morning, it was like[br]the final thread had been snipped

0:03:02.297,0:03:04.977
and untethered from any kind of hope

0:03:04.977,0:03:10.352
that I could pull myself out of the rut[br]of my own dark thinking.

0:03:10.808,0:03:16.591
I decided that my life[br]really didn't matter,

0:03:18.445,0:03:22.460
that my four-year-old son[br]would be better off without me.

0:03:23.356,0:03:25.346
That's hard to say.

0:03:26.207,0:03:29.927
And I went into my brother-in-law's room -

0:03:30.553,0:03:31.622
the house was empty -

0:03:31.622,0:03:36.223
and I removed his loaded[br]revolver from a drawer,

0:03:36.223,0:03:38.445
and I placed it at my temple.

0:03:40.173,0:03:43.803
And I can't tell you how long I sat there[br]with my hand trembling,

0:03:43.803,0:03:46.703
my finger on the trigger,[br]ready to pull it,

0:03:48.147,0:03:52.277
but it was enough[br]to make me shudder still today.

0:03:56.421,0:03:58.621
And I want to stop[br]because so many times

0:03:58.621,0:04:02.511
people I know that have struggled[br]with severe depression will say,

0:04:02.511,0:04:04.171
"I didn't have the guts to do it,"

0:04:04.171,0:04:07.204
when they talk about wanting[br]to kill themselves.

0:04:08.503,0:04:10.423
That is not guts.

0:04:12.425,0:04:16.365
That is despair and hopelessness[br]and impulsivity.

0:04:17.804,0:04:21.764
I did not do the thing[br]that would have required guts -

0:04:22.271,0:04:24.691
I didn't go and call for help.

0:04:26.279,0:04:29.639
I went into the bathroom instead[br]after putting the gun down,

0:04:29.639,0:04:32.249
and I removed a bottle of aspirin,

0:04:32.560,0:04:37.409
and with the beer I was drinking[br]I washed the entire contents down -

0:04:37.850,0:04:41.449
my roommate came home[br]sometime in that period -

0:04:43.609,0:04:48.139
and I took out another bottle of aspirin[br]and took the entire contents.

0:04:49.180,0:04:51.170
And then came a razor blade.

0:04:51.676,0:04:54.196
My last memory that morning in that house

0:04:54.196,0:04:58.856
was of blood splattering[br]across my son's bedroom wall

0:04:59.557,0:05:02.137
as I was wrestled to a gurney.

0:05:02.137,0:05:05.367
And now, on the fifth day in the hospital,

0:05:05.367,0:05:07.145
I was going home

0:05:07.145,0:05:09.205
with no clue, Why I am even here?

0:05:09.205,0:05:11.584
What is this insanity about?

0:05:13.656,0:05:16.276
And that night I did go to the bar

0:05:16.555,0:05:18.795
because that's what we do[br]when we're addicted -

0:05:18.795,0:05:22.885
we keep doing the very same thing[br]over and over again,

0:05:22.885,0:05:25.285
causing our own self-destruction.

0:05:26.158,0:05:27.928
And we lie to everyone around us,

0:05:27.928,0:05:31.158
but the biggest lie[br]is the lie we tell ourself -

0:05:31.158,0:05:32.903
"It's not that bad.

0:05:33.203,0:05:35.173
Tomorrow will be different."

0:05:37.778,0:05:41.598
And the biggest, saddest,[br]most tragic thing about that

0:05:41.598,0:05:43.238
is we believe it.

0:05:43.478,0:05:47.488
We believe our own lies to ourself.

0:05:49.378,0:05:51.158
It wasn't until several months later

0:05:51.158,0:05:54.198
when I was introduced[br]to the recovery community

0:05:54.198,0:05:56.808
that I began to understand

0:05:57.616,0:06:01.566
that alcohol had become[br]the centerpiece to my life.

0:06:01.566,0:06:06.520
It was that the relationship to alcohol[br]was the common denominator

0:06:06.796,0:06:08.666
to connect the dots.

0:06:09.359,0:06:12.129
I thought back to when I was 14 years old,

0:06:12.129,0:06:14.433
when life was difficult at home

0:06:14.859,0:06:16.969
and alcohol was so much fun,

0:06:16.999,0:06:18.999
and it seemed like the answer.

0:06:18.999,0:06:21.548
It was the solution to all my problems,

0:06:21.548,0:06:24.876
but that solution had become my problem.

0:06:25.561,0:06:28.521
In recovery I was handed this blueprint,

0:06:28.521,0:06:33.021
a kind of road map for how to navigate[br]my way through life,

0:06:33.021,0:06:35.541
not just how to not pick up,

0:06:36.110,0:06:38.330
but how to enjoy the journey,

0:06:38.599,0:06:42.459
how to be at peace inside my own skin.

0:06:43.154,0:06:46.266
And I've been involved[br]in that community ever since.

0:06:46.733,0:06:50.741
Now, I'd be remiss in jumping[br]from back then to now

0:06:50.741,0:06:53.941
like, okay, everything's hunky-dory now.

0:06:53.941,0:06:55.091
(Laughter)

0:06:55.091,0:06:57.661
You know, live happily ever after.

0:06:58.250,0:07:01.380
No, in the last 39+ years,

0:07:01.380,0:07:05.690
I've had more challenging situations[br]come up in my life

0:07:06.230,0:07:08.260
than in the previous 10.

0:07:08.571,0:07:10.801
I think Forrest Gump put it so aptly:

0:07:10.801,0:07:12.630
"Shit happens," right?

0:07:12.630,0:07:14.281
to all of us.

0:07:15.150,0:07:18.400
It's just the nature[br]of the beast - life, you know?

0:07:18.400,0:07:24.562
But today I have this tool chest[br]that I keep readily available.

0:07:24.857,0:07:25.877
I keep it handy.

0:07:25.877,0:07:30.948
I keep the tools sharp,[br]try to make sure they don't get rusty.

0:07:31.658,0:07:33.755
And one of the things[br]that helped me so much,

0:07:33.755,0:07:35.275
particularly in the beginning

0:07:35.275,0:07:38.693
when those other hard things[br]happened along the way,

0:07:39.184,0:07:41.155
it's a simple mantra -

0:07:41.741,0:07:43.771
"This too shall pass."

0:07:44.346,0:07:46.486
And indeed it always does.

0:07:48.770,0:07:49.980
I was told early on

0:07:49.980,0:07:52.700
that the best antidote[br]to wanting to pick up

0:07:53.674,0:07:56.674
was to work with someone still suffering.

0:07:59.485,0:08:01.475
And several years back,

0:08:01.475,0:08:06.855
I felt like that aspect of my own program[br]needed a little B12 shot,

0:08:07.312,0:08:12.042
and I began attending a weekly meeting[br]at Southeastern Ohio Regional Jail

0:08:12.042,0:08:14.952
that my dear friend Cate had begun.

0:08:16.024,0:08:20.234
And there we sit in a circle[br]with women all dressed in orange

0:08:20.234,0:08:22.147
at their crossroads,

0:08:22.564,0:08:28.705
a roll of toilet paper handy, tossed[br]as the tears begin to fall inevitably.

0:08:29.663,0:08:33.533
In emergency medicine, there's this term:

0:08:34.717,0:08:36.217
the golden hour -

0:08:36.217,0:08:41.073
that first 60 minutes[br]after a serious accident has occurred

0:08:41.073,0:08:47.013
and how survival and good outcomes,[br]positive outcomes, can occur

0:08:47.013,0:08:50.763
when that intervention happens[br]in that window of time.

0:08:51.073,0:08:56.667
These women have had[br]a different kind of trauma.

0:08:57.143,0:08:59.434
Many of them share with us

0:08:59.434,0:09:02.934
that they've grown up[br]in dysfunctional households,

0:09:02.934,0:09:06.934
that their parents[br]have started them on drugs,

0:09:08.239,0:09:13.059
that they've been sexually[br]and physically abused as children,

0:09:13.079,0:09:15.998
and on up into adulthood.

0:09:16.635,0:09:22.565
And without any numbing substances[br]to dull that pain,

0:09:23.585,0:09:24.995
they feel it -

0:09:24.995,0:09:26.743
those memories,

0:09:28.029,0:09:31.649
and the shame and the guilt and remorse[br]for the mistakes made,

0:09:32.249,0:09:36.329
and the grief of being[br]separated from children,

0:09:36.329,0:09:38.457
the fear about the future.

0:09:39.584,0:09:41.990
All that emotion

0:09:41.990,0:09:46.319
brings some - not all, but some -[br]to their knees in surrender:

0:09:46.599,0:09:49.119
"I can't live this way anymore.

0:09:49.349,0:09:52.609
I cannot live this way anymore.

0:09:52.609,0:09:53.829
I've got to change.

0:09:53.829,0:09:55.949
I've got to break the cycle."

0:09:59.210,0:10:02.800
And that is our golden moment,[br]our golden hour there,

0:10:02.930,0:10:05.150
because the psyche becomes fertile

0:10:05.150,0:10:11.430
for the seeds of hope, of possibility,[br]of encouragement to be planted.

0:10:11.722,0:10:13.166
It's ripe.

0:10:13.859,0:10:18.629
But too often, what makes me[br]the most sad in these meetings

0:10:18.629,0:10:23.058
is when someone speaks[br]that earnest desire to change,

0:10:23.844,0:10:25.394
but she doesn't feel confident,

0:10:25.394,0:10:30.739
because she knows she's going right back[br]to that same household, neighborhood,

0:10:30.739,0:10:33.529
where everyone she knows uses.

0:10:34.946,0:10:38.071
Sam Quinones did an incredible job[br]in the book "Dreamland"

0:10:38.071,0:10:44.605
of explaining how our neighborhoods[br]became so vulnerable to the drug culture

0:10:44.605,0:10:47.795
because of the breakdown[br]of our social fabric

0:10:47.795,0:10:50.373
because of economic factors.

0:10:51.225,0:10:54.675
And many of those factors remain today.

0:10:58.175,0:11:02.055
Women getting out of jail,[br]treatment centers, prison,

0:11:03.733,0:11:08.013
homeless shelters,[br]domestic abuse homes, etc.,

0:11:08.013,0:11:10.193
they need a safe, supportive environment

0:11:10.193,0:11:12.931
where they can hone the skills necessary

0:11:12.931,0:11:16.138
to create this firm[br]foundation of recovery,

0:11:16.138,0:11:20.918
not just to get sober and clean,

0:11:20.918,0:11:25.358
but to stay that way,[br]to get off the relapse treadmill.

0:11:26.083,0:11:30.973
There were others in the community[br]really coming to this realization

0:11:30.973,0:11:35.163
that we had a very critical need[br]for recovery housing for women

0:11:35.163,0:11:38.953
in Southeast Ohio at that same time.

0:11:39.584,0:11:43.984
When a call to action[br]went out in May of 2016,

0:11:45.724,0:11:47.734
a grassroots effort evolved.

0:11:47.734,0:11:50.281
It wasn't just me, as Steve had said;

0:11:50.281,0:11:54.001
it was a group of women,[br]strong women, said,

0:11:54.001,0:11:56.371
"We're going to do something about this."

0:11:56.371,0:12:00.664
And by March of 2017,

0:12:00.664,0:12:03.724
we were a formal nonprofit -[br]Women for Recovery -

0:12:03.724,0:12:08.616
and by July we had purchased our house,[br]named it Serenity Grove,

0:12:09.264,0:12:11.946
and today we are open with residents,

0:12:12.585,0:12:14.545
with a paid staff member,

0:12:15.404,0:12:19.944
with volunteers committed to helping women

0:12:19.944,0:12:24.956
embark on this somewhat scary[br]journey of change.

0:12:27.393,0:12:30.233
The project has been scary for us -

0:12:30.233,0:12:32.840
I think I speak for more than just me -

0:12:32.840,0:12:35.830
like, "We can make this happen, really?

0:12:35.830,0:12:36.826
Wow!"

0:12:37.330,0:12:40.111
We've had a lot of bumps along the way,

0:12:40.403,0:12:42.933
but the support of our community,

0:12:42.933,0:12:47.155
individuals and agencies[br]have shored up our confidence.

0:12:47.375,0:12:51.509
It's been instrumental in keeping us[br]on the straight and narrow,

0:12:51.509,0:12:54.559
to focus our eyes on the prize.

0:12:57.113,0:13:03.008
I began by telling you a story, my story,

0:13:03.369,0:13:09.247
because I believe that stigma[br]of addiction and mental illness

0:13:13.991,0:13:17.841
creates this atmosphere[br]where we can't talk openly about it.

0:13:20.018,0:13:23.688
It's hard for someone like me[br]to ask for help.

0:13:27.494,0:13:28.632
I was -

0:13:29.082,0:13:30.434
In this community,

0:13:30.434,0:13:33.719
so many people know me[br]as "Janalee the runner" -

0:13:34.004,0:13:36.148
well, some of the things[br]that were mentioned -

0:13:36.148,0:13:38.957
I'm very opinionated,[br]write the letters to the editor,

0:13:38.957,0:13:41.467
(Laughter)

0:13:42.177,0:13:44.337
you know, the retired nurse.

0:13:44.337,0:13:45.347
But you know what?

0:13:45.347,0:13:50.867
I was Janalee, who as a teenager[br]was on life support at one time;

0:13:51.347,0:13:56.213
who another time woke up in a locked ward,

0:13:56.213,0:14:01.977
in a room that did not have a door[br]that opened from inside out,

0:14:02.305,0:14:06.845
on a mattress with no sheet,[br]no furniture, no windows, no nothing.

0:14:08.550,0:14:11.190
I want people like me to know

0:14:12.300,0:14:15.390
that radical change[br]in the brain can happen.

0:14:15.390,0:14:19.223
We don't have to be prisoners[br]to our brain chemistry.

0:14:20.834,0:14:24.489
Scientists know so much more[br]about the way the brain works,

0:14:24.489,0:14:28.139
that, yes, dopamine can make us a slave

0:14:28.139,0:14:32.154
to food and drugs and alcohol[br]and sex and gambling,

0:14:32.711,0:14:37.981
but there are neurotransmitters[br]that respond to exercise

0:14:38.746,0:14:39.986
and fellowship

0:14:40.311,0:14:42.601
and prayer and meditation and green space.

0:14:42.601,0:14:48.204
Those are some of the tools[br]that I keep in my tool chest.

0:14:50.270,0:14:52.510
Change is very scary,

0:14:53.093,0:14:55.463
but by golly it's worth it.

0:14:56.408,0:14:59.158
You have to have[br]a willingness to work for it.

0:15:03.813,0:15:09.974
With the number one cause of death

0:15:09.974,0:15:14.574
in Americans under 50[br]being drug overdose,

0:15:14.574,0:15:20.994
it's pretty rare that someone[br]doesn't know someone who's been affected.

0:15:22.334,0:15:26.534
I think when Eleanor Roosevelt advised,

0:15:26.534,0:15:28.484
"Do something every day that scares you,"

0:15:28.484,0:15:32.004
she wasn't just talking[br]about running a marathon

0:15:32.004,0:15:34.014
or climbing Mount Everest -

0:15:34.014,0:15:37.284
things that, you know,[br]really make your heart go, "Whoa!"

0:15:37.693,0:15:41.593
She was talking about the way[br]we think and perceive

0:15:41.839,0:15:44.384
and open our minds and our hearts.

0:15:46.601,0:15:52.146
If you don't know anyone[br]that's been affected by these afflictions,

0:15:52.146,0:15:53.757
then the challenge for you

0:15:53.757,0:15:57.833
may be just to rethink[br]how you think about us.

0:15:58.319,0:16:00.079
Do you label us?

0:16:00.830,0:16:03.170
Are we losers?[br]Are we less than?

0:16:03.529,0:16:06.862
Is someone getting out of prison

0:16:08.422,0:16:13.855
destined to carry that label forever?

0:16:17.777,0:16:19.762
Can you say to someone,

0:16:19.992,0:16:23.972
"I respect you for what you[br]have been through.

0:16:24.182,0:16:26.552
I haven't had the bad luck.

0:16:26.552,0:16:29.932
I have the privilege[br]that I didn't grow up that way.

0:16:29.932,0:16:34.251
And, boy howdy, do I respect you[br]for being such a survivor."

0:16:35.010,0:16:39.450
I have a friend like that,[br]who was in prison for 10 years.

0:16:40.430,0:16:42.290
I thought the world of her.

0:16:42.716,0:16:47.455
But I watched all[br]the obstacles beat her down,

0:16:49.456,0:16:53.396
and today she's back in prison,[br]serving her time.

0:16:53.396,0:16:56.726
And I respect her,[br]and I'm rooting for her.

0:16:58.060,0:17:02.559
I guess the biggest question[br]that I ask myself -

0:17:02.559,0:17:05.659
I think as a community[br]we can ask ourselves -

0:17:07.324,0:17:08.927
is, "Can we love that person

0:17:08.927,0:17:12.583
until they learn[br]to love themselves again?"

0:17:13.260,0:17:15.280
I'm a believer we can.

0:17:15.651,0:17:17.001
Thank you.

0:17:17.001,0:17:20.001
(Applause) (Cheers)