Rachel, in the wake of the Weinstein scandal and the #me too campaign,
I believe you wanted to pick up on the confusion surrounding what actually constitutes sexual harrassment.
Yes, that's right Nish. Or should I say: stop sexually harrassing me, Nish!
Because even talking to a woman is now completely off limits. Isn't that right Nish?
No! No, it's not Nish, but it's fun to pretend to be confused about that, isn't it?
In the light of recent revelations many men are feeling very worried about their own behaviour
and feeling a little bit threatened as well which makes me so sad.
'Well done, feminism.' says Martin in The Telegraph. 'Now men are afraid to help women at work'
'Well done, feminism.' says Martin in The Telefgraph. 'Now men are afraid to help women at work'
Well Nish, as ever The Daily Mail provides a very good barometer of the British public,
with this headline which actually happened:
'Is hugging still okay?' In the wake of the Weinstein sexual assault accusations, men ask:
'What is acceptable to women and society now?'
Sociologist Carol-Ann Peterson says in the article: 'Men do need to recognize that a sudden arm round the shoulder
or a pat on the butt isn't the innocuous gesture some might have thought.'
Oh Nish, it's an absolute minefield! What could possibly be wrong with spanking a colleague?
Or the prospect of a sudden arm grabbing you from the shadows?
Hang on. Are these real headlines?
They're real Nish. They're genuine headlines. Welcome to the world.
Nish, if you would. Please come and join me and let's see if we together can sort this mess out.
It's absolutely impossible to see where the line is,
so I've come up with a series of visual aids to help you at home through this difficult time.
So, the first one. The biggest question is: 'What is sexual harassment?'
Okay. Well, let me first say. Very nice use of the Comic Sans font there, Rachel.
Thank you, Nisham. If you're laughing, you're learning.
Let's start at the start.
So, first thing's first. 'Can I complement a woman?' Yes!
You can say something like: 'Hello, you look well!'. That's fine.
But you can't holler: 'Nice whaps!' from a car.
Not anymore. Sorry, Nish.
Eh, what do you mean: 'Sorry Nish'?
"Allright be the good old days"
Okay. Is it okay to give a woman flowers?
Yes. Yes! You're right Nish,
as long as you don't put your penis in there.
It's tricky, isn't it?
Is it okay to give a cheery hello to a lady?
Yes! Of course it is.
But not if you're hiding under her bed.
Not according to the PC brigade. (political correctness)
Now, Nish. Take a look at the screen.
And I'd like you to tell me Nish: do you think, in your view, that is this sexual harassment?
'Hi Jan, can I borrow your stapler?' Eh, No!
He has got an erection, Nish.
Having reviewed this picture and the angle he is standing at,
I now see that I was naive to think he was not fully erect.
Very good Nish. Although,
in truth it's impossible to tell, his arm is directly in the way.
Ehm, let's assume that this one is fine. But what about this one, Nish?
'Jan, please come to the server room and wank me off.'
I'm going to say that's a definite 'not okay'.
Yes, Nish. You got one right.
So, Nish...
I'm going to do now some harassment role play with you.
Okay. I'm immediately uncomfortable.
Nish, don't worry. You're a non-threatening beta male, whose absolutely tailor-made for the friend zone.
So, Nish. Imagine we're in a normal pub situation
and we're friends like we are, in a way.
How would you great me normally in a pub?
Well, we were friends so I would just give you a hug. Exactly, so give me a hug now.
But now hold that for a little bit too long
So you know what that feels like, Nish. Does that feel right or wrong?
It's feeling more and more wrong by the second.
Yes, that's right Nish. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Sometimes a simple greeting like a hug can be harassment if one of the participants
is obviously using it for their own weird gratification.
Hugging is absolutely fine, Nish. But is blood suddenly moving to the groin area?
If it is then it's a bad hug.
And is it Nish? Is it?
Eh, no. There's no blood flowing anywhere. Okay, wonderful!
Thank you for your help. Thank you.
"Don't look at the script, Nish". "It'll be fine, Nish".
"You'll be able to wing it on the night".
"Of course we wouldn't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable".
Welcome to womanhood.
So, I'm afraid that life is going to get harder now that
we're not allowed to sexually harass anyone, of course it is.
But, if you do stick to my handy guide we will
manage to walk that terribly fine line between being a decent person
and a complete wanker.
Good luck to you.
Ladies and gentlemen: Rachel Parris.