Please do not edit these "English" subtitles, and do not translate them into other languages. Due to a glitch explained in the comments to the main page, the complete English subs are in the "English, British" subtitle track: please use that for translations.
The American dream
There's a reason that they called it a dream
Ah!
Who's there?
Cock-a-doddle-do Pile.
knocking
No no no no no
I don't have any more money.
My job sucks right now, please!
I'll have more money next month.
You can't take my house!
Is that your signature?
Oookay well just help me work something out, okay?
I mean you said I'm a good credit guy right?
I mean...hey, wait!
My dog is in there!
Nooo, don't take my Dream!
sobbing
Oh, how did this happen?
BOOM
Huh?
Hartman? Is that you?
Been a long time since the fourth grade.
Is that a time machine?
There's no need to concern yourself
with my stand accomplishments.
Best get in.
There's not much time.
crying I gotta go down to the bank
to get my life back.
They took everything!
Ooh! Bank ain't gonna help you now.
Towel in the trunk.
Extra set of balls.
Put 'em on, you're gonna need 'em.
crying you're gonna get my Dream back?
No, Pile. You are. I'm here to show you how.
ZOOM
"The Twilight Zone" theme music
Submitted for your approval,
one First National Bank.
What is a bank, you ask?
A curious place
where both space, time, and irony exist.
And yet...
don't.
Uh, are you gonna be doin' that the
whole time?
Pay attention, Pile.
Exhibit A:
Those who have come to deposit and safely
store their earned monies.
Exhibit B:
Those who need to borrow said money
for purposes...unknown.
Hey!
That's me!
Ergo, exhibit C.
The bank only has so much money
in the vault to lend out.
To people
such as you.
Hey!
Hey that's the guy!
He took my house!
Really screwin' my vibe here, Pile.
Space-time continuum, he can't hear you.
Just let me narrate.
Now, where was I? clears throat
So you see,
by the time he got to you, Pile,
His bank was out of money
But
he gave me lots of money
and charged me a lot of interest.
Yes.
That's the only way banks make money.
By making debt loans.
Debt equals money, pal.
Remember that.
Debt equals money.
The more loans they make, the more money they make.
But if they don't have any money,
then where did my money come from?
beeping You're gonna wanna take a step back, Pile.
Woah!
No way!
Yes way.
And that's nothing.
Hey buddy, need some money?
They didn't do that!
Aw, they did exactly that, Pile.
Remember, banks make money by making loans,
by selling debt, even to
...bad credit risks.
hip hop music
Yo, have some money, dude.
Just sign here.
Oh my gosh!
Mm-hm, they called it "free money".
Yeah, that's exactly what my loan guy told me,
free money!
But it ain't free,
The worst part was offering money
to people who don't even need it.
People, Pile, like you.
horn honking
You were right,
I didn't need him
I was happy here,
I didn't need it!
Why's he sad? He's makin' all that money.
Shhhhh...he's thinkin'.
Now wait fo it...
Now wait for it...
Bingo.
See the bank has loaned to everyone in town,
but to make more money they have
to loan even more.
More?
How much money do they need?
More.
ominous music Waah? What's that?
Oh ho, a black horse ridin'...
credit cards.
Wow! Look,
I mean it's gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.
What now?
Now?
We're powered with all this money,
we might as well...party.
Oh ho, this is awesome.
I needed to get my head clear
When I get back, I'm gonna straighten
all this out
I just hope Dream is doin' okay.
wolves howling
Dog barking
I'm going to get you, my pretty
Yup,
he is,
I'm sure he is.
belches
Thank you, you can put it on his tab.
Little somethin' for yourself. Mhm.
Sweet.
You know...
Wait a second, Hartman,
I just thought of something.
If I got this money from the bank...
and the bank got it from the federal reserve
dump trucks....
Go on...
Then...where does the federal reserve
get their money?
Real nice time, ladies.
Real nice.
Excuse me while I borrow these.
women scream
Say, Hartman...
why am I wearing a burglar bikini top?
because no one is allowed
inside the Fed.
Not you, not me
no American citizen
no duly elected member
of our Congress.
Not the Supreme Court.
Not the Supreme Court?
Not the Supreme Court.
Not the Justice Department, not the CIA
DIA, FBI, ATF, ATE, NBC
Not even G-O-D
knocks
Well. how come the government isn't
allowed inside its own building?
Government?
Pile, the Fed is a private bank,
owned by private stockholders.
Do not let the name "Federal" fool you,
this place about as federal as
"Federal Express"
A-a private bank?
But...private?!
Ssh!
Best to keep your voice down, Pile.
phone rings
This is Ethan Federal Reserve
Hey Ethan! Bill here, First National.
Hi there Bill, how are ya?
Good, good. We're running a little low on money.
No problem, how much you need?
Oh, how does 20 million sound?
What?
slaps
Excellent, we'll ship it over first thing
tomorrow
We-he can just call up the Fed
and ask for more money
and they give them whatever they want?
No, Pile.
The Fed don't give the banks money
the Fed loans the banks money.
The banks have to pay it back
with interest. Now come on,
time to go.
Wait, wait, wait, I still don't understand
Where does the Fed get their money?
I mean, if they're a private bank.
You said they're a private bank, right?
Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank?
phone rings
This is Mal, United States Mint.
Hiya Mal, First National needs
another 20 millies.
We're already running the presses full
steam here, Ethan.
Gotta keep makin' loans
gotta keep the money flowin'.
Ahhh, alright, you're the Fed.
Whatever you guys say.
20 million more, by mornin'.
fog horn blows
But I don't get it...
...what's so wrong about the Fed
printing money?
Because it's unconstitutional, Pile.
Our treasury is supposed to create
our money
But now the Fed controls the printing
of America's money.
Nobody gets a friggin' dollar
that the Fed didn't print.
So?
They print the money,
then they loan it to the government,
then they charge the government interest
then the government taxes you to pay for it.
Wake up, Pile!
Gah, I don't see what the big deal is.
You know, you're right, Pile.
Wait, wait...I am?
Yeah.
I forget how effective they are at keeping
you ignorant.
Well, that's okay...hey!
I'm not ignorant!
Do you even know what money is, Pile?
claps
In the long, long ago, when people bartered
they traded things they had
for things they wanted
I'll trade you my raspberries
for that there pot pie
I-I don't want your berries.
Come on, Pile
They're sweet berries.
They're not sweet, they're old,
and I don't like berries.
Gimme that pot pie!
No!
As you can see, this bartering situation
created some problems.
Then one day, a goldsmith walked up and said
Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable
so why doesn't everybody trade gold
for things they need.
cheering
The price was set for gold
and now it was very easy to conduct commerce
because people could trade gold for all
the things they needed.
Hartman, wow, look at all my gold!
chuckling
Hey, stop them! That's my gold!
Damn thieves.
Say there, Pile.
Look, I've got a vault and some guards.
I can keep your gold safe for you.
For a small fee.
Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome!
You see, Pile.
This is how the first bank made money.
There you go, Pile.
I.O.U 100 gold coins.
Okay, great!
Come back any time and redeem your gold
when you want it.
It'll be right here.
In my vault.
Now you're holding the very first paper
money, Pile.
Wow, this is
great, it all makes sense.
Oh, that's right, it was good.
And everybody started using I.O.Us
because everybody knew the I.O.U was
as good as gold.
Wow,
this candy is really a good price, one I.O.U
I'm getting some more for later.
Hey!
Wait a minute, it was just one I.O.U
10 I.O.Us for chocolate?!
He can't just raise prices like that.
Oh, the candy man can!
sings Oh the candy man can!
Wait, that is just freakin' wrong!
It's called inflation, Pile.
It makes your I.O.Us worth less and less
until they are worth nothin'.
Less bang for the buck,
dollar ain't what it used to be.
But I worked hard and I baked
all those pot pies.
Now I have to work harder to make less?
That's not fair.
Oh, if you think that's not fair...
you're gonna love the next part.
W-what's he doin'?
How do banks make money, Pile?
Uh, by making more loans?
Oh, that's right. He's good.
See, he prints more I.O.U.s without
any more gold, loans 'em out for interest
makes a pretty penny and nobody is the wiser
Unless...
Everybody wanted their gold back at the same time.
N-n-n-no, that's my gold.
Not anymore.
What are you talking about?
I'd like to redeem my I.O.U.s please.
Thank ya very much.
Hey!
crowd yelling
I want my gold back now!
Thief! Thief!
Gotta love the bank run
Bringin' people together
See they all found out he was stealin'
made a run of the bank and as you can see
There ain't no gold to get.
Hartman!
Don't worry, Pile. Back in these times
vengeance will be yours.
Three things in this world you don't do:
Never mess with another man's woman,
never mess with another man's ego, and
most importantly,
you never mess with another man's money.
Else, the man will mess with you.
My god!
You hung him?
Yes, Pile!
Oh, we hung him. We hung him high.
And do you know why?