Please do not edit these "English" subtitles, and do not translate them into other languages. 
Due to a glitch explained in the comments to the main page, the complete English subs are in the "English, British" subtitle track: please use that for translations.

The American dream

There's a reason that they called it a dream

Ah!

Who's there?

Cock-a-doddle-do Pile.

<i>knocking</i>

No no no no no

I don't have any more money.

My job sucks right now, please!

I'll have more money next month.

You can't take my house!

Is that your signature?

Oookay well just help me work something out, okay?

I mean you said I'm a good credit guy right?

I mean...hey, wait!

My dog is in there!

Nooo, don't take my Dream!

<i>sobbing</i>

Oh, how did this happen?

<i>BOOM</i>

Huh?

Hartman? Is that you?

Been a long time since the fourth grade.

Is that a time machine?

There's no need to concern yourself

with my stand accomplishments.

Best get in.

There's not much time.

<i>crying</i> I gotta go down to the bank

to get my life back.

They took everything!

Ooh! Bank ain't gonna help you now.

Towel in the trunk.

Extra set of balls.

Put 'em on, you're gonna need 'em.

<i>crying</i> you're gonna get my Dream back?

No, Pile. You are. I'm here to show you how.

<i>ZOOM</i>

<i>"The Twilight Zone" theme music</i>

Submitted for your approval,

one First National Bank.

What is a bank, you ask?

A curious place

where both space, time, and irony exist.

And yet...

don't.

Uh, are you gonna be doin' that the

whole time?

Pay attention, Pile.

Exhibit A:

Those who have come to deposit and safely

store their earned monies.

Exhibit B:

Those who need to borrow said money

for purposes...unknown.

Hey!

That's me!

Ergo, exhibit C.

The bank only has so much money

in the vault to lend out.

To people

such as you.

Hey!

Hey that's the guy!

He took my house!

Really screwin' my vibe here, Pile.

Space-time continuum, he can't hear you.

Just let me narrate.

Now, where was I? <i>clears throat</i>

So you see,

by the time he got to you, Pile,

His bank was out of money

But

he gave me lots of money

and charged me a lot of interest.

Yes.

That's the only way banks make money.

By making debt loans.

Debt equals money, pal.

Remember that.

Debt equals money.

The more loans they make, the more money they make.

But if they don't have any money,

then where did my money come from?

<i>beeping</i> You're gonna wanna take a step back, Pile.

Woah!

No way!

Yes way.

And that's nothing.

Hey buddy, need some money?

They didn't do that!

Aw, they did exactly that, Pile.

Remember, banks make money by making loans,

by selling debt, even to

...bad credit risks.

<i>hip hop music</i>

Yo, have some money, dude.

Just sign here.

Oh my gosh!

Mm-hm, they called it "free money".

Yeah, that's exactly what my loan guy told me,

free money!

But it ain't free,

The worst part was offering money

to people who don't even need it.

People, Pile, like you.

<i>horn honking</i>

You were right,

I didn't need him

I was happy here,

I didn't need it!

Why's he sad? He's makin' all that money.

Shhhhh...he's thinkin'.

Now wait fo it...

Now wait for it...

Bingo.

See the bank has loaned to everyone in town,

but to make more money they have

to loan even more.

More?

How much money do they need?

More.

<i>ominous music</i> Waah? What's that?

Oh ho, a black horse ridin'...

credit cards.

Wow! Look,

I mean it's gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

What now?

Now?

We're powered with all this money,

we might as well...party.

Oh ho, this is awesome.

I needed to get my head clear

When I get back, I'm gonna straighten

all this out

I just hope Dream is doin' okay.

<i>wolves howling</i>

<i>Dog barking</i>

I'm going to get you, my pretty

Yup,

he is,

I'm sure he is.

<i>belches</i>

Thank you, you can put it on his tab.

Little somethin' for yourself. Mhm.

Sweet.

You know...

Wait a second, Hartman,

I just thought of something.

If I got this money from the bank...

and the bank got it from the federal reserve

dump trucks....

Go on...

Then...where does the federal reserve

get their money?

Real nice time, ladies.

Real nice.

Excuse me while I borrow these.

<i>women scream</i>

Say, Hartman...

why am I wearing a burglar bikini top?

because no one is allowed

inside the Fed.

Not you, not me

no American citizen

no duly elected member

of our Congress.

Not the Supreme Court.

Not the Supreme Court?

Not the Supreme Court.

Not the Justice Department, not the CIA

DIA, FBI, ATF, ATE, NBC

Not even G-O-D

<i>knocks</i>

Well. how come the government isn't

allowed inside its own building?

Government?

Pile, the Fed is a private bank,

owned by private stockholders.

Do not let the name "Federal" fool you,

this place about as federal as

"Federal Express"

A-a private bank?

But...private?!

Ssh!

Best to keep your voice down, Pile.

<i>phone rings</i>

This is Ethan Federal Reserve

Hey Ethan! Bill here, First National.

Hi there Bill, how are ya?

Good, good. We're running a little low on money.

No problem, how much you need?

Oh, how does 20 million sound?

What?

<i>slaps</i>

Excellent, we'll ship it over first thing

tomorrow

We-he can just call up the Fed

and ask for more money

and they give them whatever they want?

No, Pile.

The Fed don't give the banks money

the Fed loans the banks money.

The banks have to pay it back

with interest. Now come on,

time to go.

Wait, wait, wait, I still don't understand

Where does the Fed get their money?

I mean, if they're a private bank.

You said they're a private bank, right?

Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank?

<i>phone rings</i>

This is Mal, United States Mint.

Hiya Mal, First National needs

another 20 millies.

We're already running the presses full

steam here, Ethan.

Gotta keep makin' loans

gotta keep the money flowin'.

Ahhh, alright, you're the Fed.

Whatever you guys say.

20 million more, by mornin'.

<i>fog horn blows</i>

But I don't get it...

...what's so wrong about the Fed

printing money?

Because it's unconstitutional, Pile.

Our treasury is supposed to create

our money

But now the Fed controls the printing

of America's money.

Nobody gets a friggin' dollar

that the Fed didn't print.

So?

They print the money,

then they loan it to the government,

then they charge the government interest

then the government taxes you to pay for it.

Wake up, Pile!

Gah, I don't see what the big deal is.

You know, you're right, Pile.

Wait, wait...I am?

Yeah.

I forget how effective they are at keeping

you ignorant.

Well, that's okay...hey!

I'm not ignorant!

Do you even know what money is, Pile?

<i>claps</i>

In the long, long ago, when people bartered

they traded things they had

for things they wanted

I'll trade you my raspberries

for that there pot pie

I-I don't want your berries.

Come on, Pile

They're sweet berries.

They're not sweet, they're old,

and I don't like berries.

Gimme that pot pie!

No!

As you can see, this bartering situation

created some problems.

Then one day, a goldsmith walked up and said

Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable

so why doesn't everybody trade gold

for things they need.

<i>cheering</i>

The price was set for gold

and now it was very easy to conduct commerce

because people could trade gold for all

the things they needed.

Hartman, wow, look at all my gold!

<i>chuckling</i>

Hey, stop them! That's my gold!

Damn thieves.

Say there, Pile.

Look, I've got a vault and some guards.

I can keep your gold safe for you.

For a small fee.

Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome!

You see, Pile.

This is how the first bank made money.

There you go, Pile.

I.O.U 100 gold coins.

Okay, great!

Come back any time and redeem your gold

when you want it.

It'll be right here.

In my vault.

Now you're holding the very first paper

money, Pile.

Wow, this is

great, it all makes sense.

Oh, that's right, it was good.

And everybody started using I.O.Us

because everybody knew the I.O.U was

as good as gold.

Wow,

this candy is really a good price, one I.O.U

I'm getting some more for later.

Hey!

Wait a minute, it was just one I.O.U

10 I.O.Us for chocolate?!

He can't just raise prices like that.

Oh, the candy man can!

<i>sings</i> Oh the candy man can!

Wait, that is just freakin' wrong!

It's called inflation, Pile.

It makes your I.O.Us worth less and less

until they are worth nothin'.

Less bang for the buck,

dollar ain't what it used to be.

But I worked hard and I baked

all those pot pies.

Now I have to work harder to make less?

That's not fair.

Oh, if you think that's not fair...

you're gonna love the next part.

W-what's he doin'?

How do banks make money, Pile?

Uh, by making more loans?

Oh, that's right. He's good.

See, he prints more I.O.U.s without

any more gold, loans 'em out for interest

makes a pretty penny and nobody is the wiser

Unless...

Everybody wanted their gold back at the same time.

N-n-n-no, that's my gold.

Not anymore.

What are you talking about?

I'd like to redeem my I.O.U.s please.

Thank ya very much.

Hey!

<i>crowd yelling</i>

I want my gold back now!

Thief! Thief!

Gotta love the bank run

Bringin' people together

See they all found out he was stealin'

made a run of the bank and as you can see

There ain't no gold to get.

Hartman!

Don't worry, Pile. Back in these times

vengeance will be yours.

Three things in this world you don't do:

Never mess with another man's woman,

never mess with another man's ego, and

most importantly,

you never mess with another man's money.

Else, the man will mess with you.

My god!

You hung him?

Yes, Pile!

Oh, we hung him. We hung him high.

And do you know why?