(Sold)
(For Sale)
(Bank like family!)
(Loan)
(Pile signs loan contract)
[Dog barks]
[Brakes screech]
[Off voice] The American Dream.
There's a reason to call it a dream.
[cock cries] [Man] Who's there?
[Off voice] Cockadoodledo, Pile!
[knocking] (Foreclosed)
[Pile] No, no, no, no no!
I don't have any more money!
My job sucks right now, please!
I'll have more money next month!
(Bank)
You can't take my house!
[Banker] Is that your signature? (Loan contract signed Pile)
[Dog whines]
[Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK?
I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right?
Hey, wait! My dog is in there!
No, don't take my Dream! [He weeps]
Oh, how did this happen?
[Explosion and flare noise]
(OUTATIME)
Hartman? Is that you?
[Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade.
(4th Grade)
[Pile] Is that a time machine?
[Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my stern (?) accomplishments.
Just get in. There's not much time.
[Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back.
They took everything!
[Hartman] Oh! Bank ain't gonna help you now.
.... in the trunk.
It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them.
[Pile] You're going to get my dream back?
[Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how.
(E=mc squared)
(Winter of 2006)
[Hartman] Submitted for your approval: 1. First National Bank.
What is a bank, you ask?
A curious place where both space, time and irony exist -
- and yet, don't.
[Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time?
[Hartman] Pay attention, Pile.
Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies.
Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown.
[Pile] Hey, that's me! (Not so prime)
[Hartman] Ergo.
Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you.
[Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house!
[Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile.
Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate.
Now where was I?
So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money.
[Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest.
[Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money,
by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile. (DEBT=MONEY)
Remember that: debt equals money.
The more loans they make, the more money they make.
[Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from?
[Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back. (FED)
[Pile] Whoa! No way!
[Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing.
[Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money?
(BUM)
[Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!?
[Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal.
Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to -
bad credit risks.
[Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude!
Just sign here.
[Pile] Oh my gosh!
[Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money.
[Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money! (Loan contract signed Pile)
[Hartman] But it ain't free!
The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it. (We own your ass!)
People, Pal, like you. (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)
[Van honks] (Bank like family!)
[Pile] You're right! I didn't need him: I was happy here.
I didn't need it! (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)
(Bank Like Family)
[Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money.
[Hartman] Shh. He's thinking.
[Clock ticking]
[Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it...
Bingo!
See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town.
But to make more money they have to loan even more.
[Pile] More? How much money do they need?
[Hartman] More...
[Pile yells] What's that?
[Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding / writing (?) credit cards.
(Refinance your home!!!)
[Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.
What now?
[Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party.
[Music plays...]
[Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear.
When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out.
I just hope Dream is doing okay.
[Howling]
[Barking]
[Male witch] I'm going to get you, my pretty.
[Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is.
[Burps]
[Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something ...
Wait.
[Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something.
If I got this money from the bank
and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks
[Hartman] Go on.
[Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money?
[Glass breaks]
[Hartman] Real nice time ladies, real nice.
Excuse me while I borrow these. [Women screech]
[Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top?
[Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed.
Not you, nor me, no American citizen,
no duly elected member of our Congress,
not the Supreme Court
[Pile] Not the Supreme Court?
[Hartman] Not the Supreme Court.
Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC
not even G-O-D.
[Knocking]
[Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building?
[Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders,
do NOT let the name "federal" fool you.
This place is about as federal as Federal Express.
[Pile] A-a-a private bank?
But, private?
[Hartman, quietly] Shh.
Best to keep your voice down Pile.
[Phone ringing]
[Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve.
[Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National.
[Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya?
[Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money.
[Ethan] No problem. How much do you need?
[Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound?
[Pile, loudly] What?
[Slaps]
[Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow.
[Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money
and they give him whatever they want?
[Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money.
The Fed loans the banks money.
[Slams]
[Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest.
Come on, ...
[Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand.
Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank.
You said they were a private bank, right?
Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank?
(US MINT)
[Phone ringing]
[Mal] This is Mal, United States Mint.
[Ethan] Hiya Mal, First National needs another 20 millies.
[Mal] We're already running the press at full steam here Ethan.
[Ethan] Gotta keep making loans, gotta keep the money flowing.
[Mal] All right, you're the Fed. Whatever you guys say.
Twenty million more, by morning!
[Horn blowing]
[Pile] But I don't get it, what's so wrong about the Fed printing money?
[Hartman] Because it's unconstitutional, Pile!
Our Treasury is supposed to create our money
but now the Fed controls the printing of Americas money.
Nobody gets a friggin' dollar that the Fed didn't print.
[Pile] So?
[Hartman] They print the money, then they loan it to the government
then they charge the government interest,
then the government taxes you to pay for it.
Wake up Pile!
[Pile] I don't see what the big deal is.
[Hartman] You know, you're right Pile.
[Pile] Wait a minute, wait, I am?
[Hartman] Yeah, I forget how effective they are at keeping you ignorant.
[Pile] Well that's okay-
Hey! I'm not ignorant!
[Hartman] Do you even know what money is, Pile?
[10th Century]
[Pies]
[Hartman] In the long, long ago, people bartered:
they traded things they had, for things they wanted.
I'll trade you my raspberries for that magpie? pie.
[Pile] I don't want your berries.
[Hartman] Come on, Pile, they're sweet berries.
[Pile] They're not sweet, they're old, and I don't like berries.
[Hartman] Give me that fine? pie!
[Pile] No.
[Hartman] As you can see, this moderate? situation created some problems.
Then one day, a goldsmith walked up and said,
"Now, everybody thinks gold is valuable,
so why doesn't everyone trade gold for things they need?"
[Cheering]
The price was set for gold and now it was very easy to conduct commerce
because now people could trade gold for all the things they needed.
[Pile] Hartman! Wow, look at all my gold!
[Robber snickers evilly]
[Pile] Hey! Hey, stop them! That's my gold!
[Hartman] Damn thieves.
[Ethan] Say there, Pile
I've got a vault and some guards.
I can keep your gold safe for you.
For a small fee.
[Pile] Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome.
[Hartman] You see Pile, this is how the first bank made money.
[Ethan] There you go Pile, I.O.U 100 gold coins.
[Pile] Okay, great!
[Ethan] Come back anytime and redeem your gold when you want it.
It will be right here-
in my vault.
[Hartman] Now you're holding the very first paper money Pile.
[Pile] Wow, this is great. It all makes sense.
[Hartman] Oh, that's right, it was good,
and everybody started using "I.O.U"
because everybody knew the I.O.U was as good as gold.
(Chocolate $1)
[Pile] Wow, this candy is really a good price.
1 I.O.U, I'm getting some more for later.
(Chocolate $10)
Wait a minute, it was just 1 I.O.U.
10 I.O.U's for chocolate?
He can't just raise prices like that!
[Hartman] Oh, the candyman can.
[Music plays]
[Hartman] ♪Oh, the candyman can!♪
[Pile] Wait, that is just freakin' wrong!
(Water 20)
(Water 200) [Hartman] It's called inflation Pile.
It makes your I.O.U's worth less and less
until they are worth nothing.
Less bang for the buck, dollar ain't what it used to be.
[Pile] But I worked hard and made all those pot pies.
Now I have to work harder to make less?
That's not fair.
[Hartman] Oh, if you think that's not fair
you're gonna love the next part.
[Pile] Oh, what's he doing? (Chart - Gold | I.O.U.S)
[Hartman] How do banks make money, Pile? (?)
[Pile] Errh, by making more loans?
[Hartman] Oh, that's right! He's good.
See, he prints more IOUs without any more gold (11:18)