(Sold)
(Loan)
[Off voice] The American Dream.
There's a reason to call it a dream.
[cock cries] [Man] Who's there?
[Off voice] Cockadoodledo, pal!
[knocking] (Foreclosed)
[Man] No, no, no, no no!
I don't have any more money!
My job sucks right now, please!
I'll have more money next month!
(Bank)
You can't take my house!
[Bank employee] Is that your signature? (Loan contract signed Pile)
[Dog whines]
[Man -> Pile] OK, just tell me we'll work something out, OK?
I mean you said I'm a good credit guy, right?
Hey, wait! My dog is in there!
No, don't take my Dream! [He weeps]
Oh, how did this happen?
[Explosion and flare noise]
(OUTATIME)
Hartman? Is that you?
[Hartman] It's been a long time since the fourth grade.
[Pile] Is that a time machine?
[Hartman] There's no need to concern yourself with my stern (?) accomplishments.
Just get in. There's not much time.
[Pile] Well, I got to go down to the bank to get my life back.
They took everything!
[Hartman] Bank ain't gonna help you now.
.... in the trunk.
It's a set of balls. Put them on, you're going to need them.
[Pile] You're going to get my dream back?
[Hartman] No, pal: you are. I'm here to show you how.
(E=mc squared)
(Winter of 2006)
[Hartman] Submitted for your approval: 1. First National Bank.
What is a bank, you ask?
A curious place where both space, time and irony exist -
- and yet, don't.
[Pile] Are you going to be doing that the whole time?
[Hartman] Pay attention, pal.
Exhibit A: those who have come to deposit and safely store their earned monies.
Exhibit B: Those who need to borrow said money for purposes unknown.
[A voice] Hey, that's me! (Not so prime)
Ergo.
Exhibit C: The bank only has so much money in the vault to lend out to people such as you.
[Pile] Hey! Hey, that's the guy! He took my house!
[Hartman] Really screwing my vibe here, Pile.
Space-time continuum: he can't hear you. Just let me narrate.
Now where was I?
So you see, by the time he got to you, Pile, his bank was out of money.
[Pile] But he gave me lots of money and charged me a lot of interest.
[Hartman] Yes: that's the only way banks make money,
by making debt loans: debt equals money, Pile. (DEBT=MONEY)
Remember that: debt equals money.
The more loans they make, the more money they make.
[Pile] But if they don't have any money, then where did my money come from?
[Hartman] You're going to want to take a step back. (FED)
[Pile] Whoa! No way!
[Hartman] Yes way. And that's nothing.
[Banker] Hey, buddy! Need some money?
(BUM)
[Pile, offscreen] They didn't do that!?
[Hartman] Oh, they did exactly that, pal.
Remember: banks make money by making loans, by selling debt, even to -
bad credit risks.
[Banker] Yo! Have some money, dude!
Just sign here.
[Pile] Oh my gosh!
[Hartman] Mmm! They called it free money.
[Pile] Yeah! That's exactly what MY loan guy told me: free money! (Loan contract signed Pile)
[Hartman] But it ain't free!
The worst part was offering money to people who don't even need it. (We own your ass!)
People, Pal, like you. (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)
[Van honks] (Bank like family!)
[Pile] You're right! I didn't need ..... I was happy here.
I didn't need it! (4:17) (New Home Magazine - New Bank Offers)
(Bank Like Family)
[Pile] Why is he sad? He's making all that money.
[Hartman] Shh. He's thinking.
[Clock ticking]
[Hartman] Now wait for it, now wait for it...
Bingo!
See, the bank has loaned to everyone in town.
But to make more money they have to loan even more.
[Pile] More? How much money do they need?
[Hartman] More...
[Pile yells] What's that?
[Hartman] Behold! A black horse riding (?) credit cards.
(Refinance your home!!!)
[Pile] Wow! Look! I mean it's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.
What now?
[Hartman] Now? Pile, with all this money, we might as well party.
[Music plays]
[Pile] Woahao, this is awesome! I needed to get my head clear.
When I get back I'm going to straighten all this out.
I just hope Dream is doing okay.
[Howling]
[Barking]
[Witch?] I'm going to get you, my pretty.
[Pile] Yup, he is. I'm sure he is.
[Burps]
[Hartman] Yeah, you put it on his tab. A little something ...
Wait.
[Pile] You know, wait a second Hartman, I just thought of something.
If I got this money from the bank
and the bank got this money from the Federal Reserve dump trucks
[Hartman] Go on.
[Pile] Then, where does the Federal Reserve get their money?
[Glass breaks]
[Hartman] ... mass time ladies, ... mass time.
Excuse me while I borrow these.
[Pile] Say, Hartman. Why am I wearing a burglar bikini top?
[Hartman] Because no one is allowed inside the Fed.
Not you, nor me, no American citizen,
no duly elected member of our Congress,
not the Supreme Court
[Pile] Not the Supreme Court?
[Hartman] Not the Supreme Court.
Not the Justice Department, not the CIA, the DIA, FBI, ATF, ATENBC
not even G-O-D.
[Knocking]
[Pile] How come the government isn't allowed inside its own building?
[Hartman] Government? Pile, the Fed is a private bank, owned by private stockholders,
do NOT let the name "federal" fool you.
This place is about as federal as Federal Express.
[Pile] A-a-a private bank?
But, private?
[Hartman, quietly] Shh.
Best to keep your voice down Pile.
[Phone ringing]
[Ethan] This is Ethan, Federal Reserve.
[Bill] Hey Eth, Bill here, First National.
[Ethan] Hi there Bill, how are ya?
[Bill] Good, good, we're running a little low on money.
[Ethan] No problem. How much do you need?
[Bill] Oh, how does 20 million sound?
[Pile, loudly] What?
[Slaps]
[Ethan] Excellent. We'll ship it over first thing tomorrow.
[Pile] Wait, he can just call up the Fed and ask for more money
and they give him whatever they want?
[Hartman] No, Pile. The Fed don't give the banks money.
The Fed loans the banks money.
[Slams]
[Hartman] The banks have to pay it back with interest.
Come on, ...
[Pile] Wait wait wait wait, I still don't understand.
Where does the Fed get their money? I mean if they're a private bank.
You said they were a private bank, right?
Okay, so who puts money into the Fed bank?
[US MINT]