WEBVTT 00:00:10.578 --> 00:00:12.299 Let me ask you something. 00:00:13.598 --> 00:00:15.525 Have you ever been in a situation 00:00:15.724 --> 00:00:18.172 where you've asked yourself the following question: 00:00:21.398 --> 00:00:26.021 is this person, is this person flirting with me? 00:00:27.470 --> 00:00:30.415 Picture the scene: you're at a friend's party. 00:00:30.439 --> 00:00:32.564 You sashay into the kitchen 00:00:32.589 --> 00:00:34.839 because we all know that's where the fun is. 00:00:35.429 --> 00:00:37.985 And you see an attractive stranger 00:00:38.009 --> 00:00:40.996 getting a drink refill from a box of wine. 00:00:41.079 --> 00:00:43.456 Your friend's a student. 00:00:43.480 --> 00:00:46.372 And so you get a drink refill, 00:00:46.510 --> 00:00:50.530 and you say something hilarious to the attractive stranger. 00:00:50.620 --> 00:00:52.146 Attractive stranger laughs. 00:00:52.170 --> 00:00:53.537 Good for you. 00:00:53.761 --> 00:00:55.458 And then for the next few minutes 00:00:55.482 --> 00:00:58.050 there's some eye contact, more talking. 00:00:58.830 --> 00:01:00.877 But then after a few minutes 00:01:00.901 --> 00:01:04.641 you start thinking, 'Is this person flirting with me?' 00:01:05.682 --> 00:01:07.420 Sound familiar, anyone? 00:01:09.132 --> 00:01:12.729 See the person sitting next to you, it's happened to them. 00:01:12.781 --> 00:01:15.736 The person in front of you, it's happened to them. 00:01:15.960 --> 00:01:18.872 You see this is a universal conundrum. 00:01:18.962 --> 00:01:20.196 But no more! 00:01:20.420 --> 00:01:22.198 Because in the next ten minutes 00:01:22.222 --> 00:01:25.077 I'm going to tell you the signs of flirting 00:01:25.102 --> 00:01:29.383 and never again will you wonder: is this person flirting with me? 00:01:30.791 --> 00:01:32.139 I'm Jean Smith. 00:01:32.163 --> 00:01:35.382 I'm a social anthropologist who studies flirting, 00:01:36.032 --> 00:01:38.179 a flirtologist, if you will. 00:01:39.112 --> 00:01:44.920 Now, as a flirtologist, I do research, I write books, I give talks. 00:01:45.144 --> 00:01:48.366 And I work with clients both private and corporate, 00:01:48.405 --> 00:01:52.034 all with the goal of helping people to become better flirts. 00:01:53.148 --> 00:01:56.040 So I can see some of you sitting there, you're thinking, 00:01:56.064 --> 00:02:00.869 'Really!? Is this necessary? I mean teaching people how to flirt?' 00:02:00.893 --> 00:02:02.139 Yes. 00:02:02.164 --> 00:02:03.279 (Laughter) 00:02:03.304 --> 00:02:04.400 Yes, it is. 00:02:04.425 --> 00:02:06.490 I've been doing this for over a decade. 00:02:06.514 --> 00:02:07.970 And if the question - 00:02:07.994 --> 00:02:10.901 is this person flirting with me - was popular then, 00:02:10.925 --> 00:02:14.410 it's now everyone-wants- to-take-it-to-prom popular 00:02:14.434 --> 00:02:16.370 because over the last decade 00:02:16.394 --> 00:02:19.295 the way that we flirt has changed dramatically. 00:02:20.315 --> 00:02:23.622 People are relying more and more on digital ways of communicating. 00:02:23.746 --> 00:02:24.911 But let's face it, 00:02:24.935 --> 00:02:27.321 an emoji with its tongue sticking out, 00:02:27.345 --> 00:02:30.041 it's only going to get you so far. 00:02:30.065 --> 00:02:32.635 At some point, you're going to have to meet in person. 00:02:33.315 --> 00:02:35.545 Unless of course, you're a Japanese male, 00:02:35.570 --> 00:02:39.856 and in that case, you could go on to marry your video game girlfriend: Rinko. 00:02:40.726 --> 00:02:44.452 So as part of my quest to help people become better flirts, 00:02:44.476 --> 00:02:45.831 I did research. 00:02:45.855 --> 00:02:49.372 I went to the cities of London, New York, Paris and Stockholm, 00:02:49.596 --> 00:02:53.382 and I researched the flirting behaviour of its inhabitants. 00:02:53.406 --> 00:02:57.405 And I found there were six things that they all had in common. 00:02:57.506 --> 00:03:00.642 Six ways that they could signal they were flirting 00:03:00.666 --> 00:03:04.343 and understood when someone was flirting with them. 00:03:04.567 --> 00:03:06.877 And I teach this as 00:03:08.177 --> 00:03:09.759 H.O.T.-A.P.E. 00:03:09.826 --> 00:03:11.556 (Laughter) 00:03:11.587 --> 00:03:16.227 It's the six signs - it's an acronym for the six signs of flirting. 00:03:17.288 --> 00:03:21.153 So what if I were to say to you: 'You must be a parking ticket 00:03:21.178 --> 00:03:24.508 because you've got "fine" written all over you.' 00:03:25.458 --> 00:03:26.608 Would you laugh? 00:03:27.179 --> 00:03:28.809 Well, 'H' is for humour. 00:03:29.830 --> 00:03:32.685 Raise your hand if you thought my joke was funny. 00:03:32.909 --> 00:03:35.022 Go ahead, don't be shy. 00:03:35.046 --> 00:03:37.025 OK, everyone with their hands up, 00:03:37.049 --> 00:03:38.945 I would totally date you. 00:03:38.969 --> 00:03:40.256 (Laughter) 00:03:40.281 --> 00:03:42.825 Well, if my husband weren't such a control freak. 00:03:42.849 --> 00:03:45.311 But anyway, if you didn't raise your hands, 00:03:45.479 --> 00:03:46.805 it's not a good match. 00:03:46.829 --> 00:03:49.097 It's just not going to work between us. 00:03:49.121 --> 00:03:50.650 But it's me, not you. 00:03:51.526 --> 00:03:53.367 But this is a good thing 00:03:53.391 --> 00:03:55.457 because HOTAPE-ing people - 00:03:55.481 --> 00:03:57.727 it takes time. 00:03:58.151 --> 00:04:00.780 Does anyone here like reading a good novel, 00:04:01.630 --> 00:04:03.827 watching an interesting TED talk? 00:04:03.851 --> 00:04:06.100 Does anyone here like test cricket? 00:04:06.720 --> 00:04:11.042 These things also take time, especially test cricket, five days? 00:04:12.472 --> 00:04:14.477 And this is where people often get it wrong 00:04:14.501 --> 00:04:16.720 because they want to attract everybody. 00:04:16.911 --> 00:04:19.646 But no, you just want to attract those people 00:04:19.671 --> 00:04:21.450 who match with you. 00:04:21.474 --> 00:04:23.018 And that's why humour, 00:04:23.042 --> 00:04:25.281 specifically a shared sense of humour, 00:04:25.371 --> 00:04:28.319 is really important for helping you to differentiate 00:04:28.643 --> 00:04:34.844 between your potential HOT-APEs and squirrel monkeys. 00:04:35.502 --> 00:04:37.079 I mean, yeah, they're cute. 00:04:37.103 --> 00:04:39.658 I'm sure they have a great personality. 00:04:39.682 --> 00:04:42.047 But at the end of the day it's a squirrel monkey. 00:04:42.072 --> 00:04:43.832 It's no HOT-APE. 00:04:44.402 --> 00:04:47.838 So 'O' is for open body language. 00:04:48.262 --> 00:04:49.609 Three things to remember. 00:04:49.633 --> 00:04:52.554 Number one, don't do this. 00:04:53.273 --> 00:04:55.340 I know some of you are guilty of this. 00:04:55.364 --> 00:04:56.820 I've heard it all before, 00:04:56.844 --> 00:05:00.210 oh, but I'm cold, or, this is comfortable. 00:05:00.234 --> 00:05:03.340 OK, whiny voice aside, in which instance 00:05:03.364 --> 00:05:04.940 do you want to HOT-APE me more? 00:05:05.043 --> 00:05:06.193 Like this? 00:05:06.659 --> 00:05:09.126 Or like this, right? 00:05:09.795 --> 00:05:11.071 Not HOT-APE. 00:05:11.395 --> 00:05:12.716 HOT-APE. 00:05:13.486 --> 00:05:17.064 Number two: make sure your shoulders are facing the person. 00:05:17.985 --> 00:05:20.026 So not HOT-APE, 00:05:21.006 --> 00:05:23.696 not HOT-APE, still not HOT-APE. 00:05:24.779 --> 00:05:25.929 HOT-APE. 00:05:26.694 --> 00:05:27.844 Not HOT-APE. 00:05:28.476 --> 00:05:29.962 HOT-APE. 00:05:30.034 --> 00:05:32.691 Now, the third, this is the most important, 00:05:32.715 --> 00:05:34.702 and I'm only telling you guys. 00:05:34.726 --> 00:05:36.500 This is a really good one. 00:05:36.624 --> 00:05:38.431 To see if someone's interested, 00:05:38.455 --> 00:05:41.053 look at the direction in which their feet are pointing. 00:05:41.086 --> 00:05:44.302 So if their feet are pointing at you, a good sign. 00:05:44.326 --> 00:05:46.492 If they're kind of out to the side, 00:05:46.516 --> 00:05:49.346 it means they're planning their escape route. 00:05:50.356 --> 00:05:52.683 The further away our limbs are from our brain, 00:05:52.707 --> 00:05:56.348 the harder it is for us to control them. 00:05:56.966 --> 00:05:59.955 So, Shakira, I know you say: the hips don't lie, 00:06:00.087 --> 00:06:03.527 but the flirtologist is here to say the feet don't lie. 00:06:05.047 --> 00:06:07.048 'T' is for touch. 00:06:07.708 --> 00:06:13.673 Like humour, touch also has a positive physiological response on our body. 00:06:13.697 --> 00:06:17.724 Now as a general rule, shoulder - it's a safe place to touch. 00:06:17.748 --> 00:06:22.114 But as you go down the arm towards the hands, 00:06:22.138 --> 00:06:24.194 the touch gets more intimate. 00:06:24.218 --> 00:06:28.110 That's why I recommend everyone should kind of tap the hand 00:06:28.134 --> 00:06:29.974 and say something like: 00:06:29.998 --> 00:06:31.394 'Oh, you're so funny', 00:06:31.418 --> 00:06:33.599 people seem to love that stuff. 00:06:36.548 --> 00:06:39.334 Oh, another place that would be nice to touch 00:06:39.359 --> 00:06:40.676 would be just here 00:06:40.700 --> 00:06:43.135 at the top of the back between the shoulder blades, 00:06:43.135 --> 00:06:46.975 perhaps if you're passing by, you can give a light touch. 00:06:46.999 --> 00:06:49.407 Now, of all of the flirting signs, 00:06:49.531 --> 00:06:53.687 people seem to be wariest about using touch. 00:06:53.711 --> 00:06:55.707 As one of my clients said, 00:06:55.731 --> 00:06:58.066 'Well, the other signs you can get away with. 00:06:58.090 --> 00:07:00.860 But when it comes to touch, you're culpable.' 00:07:01.850 --> 00:07:04.916 But touch can get you out of the friend zone, 00:07:04.940 --> 00:07:07.917 and it can also show someone that you're interested. 00:07:07.941 --> 00:07:09.427 And as long as you remember, 00:07:09.451 --> 00:07:10.826 I like test cricket, 00:07:10.850 --> 00:07:12.027 it lasts five days, 00:07:12.051 --> 00:07:14.337 I don't have time to HOT-APE with everyone, 00:07:14.361 --> 00:07:17.398 then if the person doesn't respond positively, 00:07:17.422 --> 00:07:19.151 you can try someone else. 00:07:19.821 --> 00:07:22.538 'A' is for attention. 00:07:22.862 --> 00:07:25.347 This one might seem obvious. 00:07:25.371 --> 00:07:29.048 The more attention someone is paying you, the more they like you. 00:07:29.072 --> 00:07:31.858 But the problem is once you are in the interaction, 00:07:31.882 --> 00:07:34.498 it's really hard to be objective. 00:07:34.522 --> 00:07:37.478 Which is why in anthropology, we have a methodology, 00:07:37.502 --> 00:07:39.448 it's called participant observation. 00:07:39.472 --> 00:07:42.949 And I think this could be a really useful tool for you to use in flirting. 00:07:44.052 --> 00:07:47.245 It means that you're participating, you're in the interaction, 00:07:47.312 --> 00:07:49.823 but you're not so in it that you can't observe. 00:07:50.813 --> 00:07:53.080 So if you were to, for example, 00:07:53.104 --> 00:07:56.350 touch and say something and see the other person blushed, 00:07:56.574 --> 00:07:59.169 it means that you're not so self-conscious 00:07:59.193 --> 00:08:03.120 that you can't observe the effect that you're having on the other person. 00:08:03.144 --> 00:08:06.624 And that my friends is when the flirting gets really fun. 00:08:08.014 --> 00:08:09.885 'P' is for proximity. 00:08:11.083 --> 00:08:13.470 Now proximity was used in two ways. 00:08:13.494 --> 00:08:16.000 The first, if you see someone across the room 00:08:16.024 --> 00:08:19.370 and then all of a sudden they're next to your side, 00:08:19.494 --> 00:08:21.134 this is not a coincidence. 00:08:21.805 --> 00:08:25.431 It means they like what they see and they must explore further. 00:08:25.955 --> 00:08:27.752 The other way proximity was used 00:08:27.776 --> 00:08:30.121 is when you're actually in the interaction, 00:08:30.145 --> 00:08:32.381 they're standing closer than usual. 00:08:32.405 --> 00:08:34.041 So if you're attracted, great. 00:08:34.065 --> 00:08:37.015 If you're not, they're in your space. 00:08:37.155 --> 00:08:42.121 So the last of the flirting signs is the most important. 00:08:42.145 --> 00:08:45.287 Can anyone guess what it is? 00:08:46.476 --> 00:08:47.702 Thank you. 00:08:47.727 --> 00:08:49.253 It's eye contact. 00:08:49.277 --> 00:08:51.143 This was the number one way 00:08:51.167 --> 00:08:54.271 that people could understand someone who's flirting with them 00:08:54.296 --> 00:08:58.025 and the difference between friendly and flirting. 00:08:58.635 --> 00:09:02.824 So in flirting eye-contact the gaze happened more often. 00:09:03.148 --> 00:09:05.424 It was held for a longer amount of time, 00:09:05.448 --> 00:09:07.548 and it was more intense. 00:09:09.088 --> 00:09:10.734 So using these signs: 00:09:10.758 --> 00:09:15.822 humour, open body language, touch, attention, proximity, eye contact, 00:09:15.846 --> 00:09:18.414 you can recognize when someone is flirting with you. 00:09:18.438 --> 00:09:21.220 And as a general rule, the more signs the better. 00:09:22.199 --> 00:09:25.305 Now my favourite story of HOT-APE being used in the field 00:09:25.329 --> 00:09:27.974 was relayed to me by one of my clients. 00:09:27.998 --> 00:09:30.566 She had shared HOT-APE with all of her friends. 00:09:30.590 --> 00:09:33.584 And one night, they went out HOTAPE-ing guys. 00:09:33.908 --> 00:09:38.145 One of her friends was making eye contact with a guy at the bar, 00:09:38.169 --> 00:09:40.375 and she went over and spoke with him. 00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:42.848 She came back a few minutes later, 00:09:42.873 --> 00:09:45.335 bit dejected, my client said, 00:09:45.359 --> 00:09:49.375 'What happened? What happened?' And she's like, 'Oh nothing.' 00:09:49.399 --> 00:09:52.565 'Well, did you HOT-APE him?' She's like, 'Yeah, yeah.' 00:09:52.589 --> 00:09:54.804 And then they started going through the sides: 00:09:54.829 --> 00:09:57.055 'Did you use humour?' She's like 'Yeah, yeah.' 00:09:57.080 --> 00:10:00.555 'What about open body language? You didn't do this like you usually do?' 00:10:00.580 --> 00:10:01.767 'No, no.' 00:10:01.792 --> 00:10:05.326 'What about touch? Did you touch him? Back, hand.' 00:10:05.350 --> 00:10:08.117 'Uh, God, I didn't use touch.' 00:10:08.141 --> 00:10:11.886 And then they started laughing, like, 'Well, no wonder.' 00:10:11.910 --> 00:10:15.827 And what normally could have been a situation of dejection 00:10:15.851 --> 00:10:17.797 or, you know, feeling bad, 00:10:17.821 --> 00:10:20.201 it just turned into a fun game. 00:10:20.951 --> 00:10:23.228 And this is the power of HOTAPE 00:10:23.252 --> 00:10:26.067 because it turns flirting into what it should be. 00:10:26.191 --> 00:10:29.613 It's something fun, easy, it's not a big deal. 00:10:30.473 --> 00:10:32.718 And when we think about flirting like this, 00:10:32.742 --> 00:10:35.572 it totally changes our paradigm of rejection. 00:10:36.312 --> 00:10:41.338 And in situations where we're often feeling self-conscious or a bit nervous, 00:10:41.362 --> 00:10:44.823 we have scientific tools to help us remember what to do. 00:10:46.022 --> 00:10:47.348 And finally, 00:10:47.373 --> 00:10:49.730 it makes it's not about us, 00:10:49.813 --> 00:10:52.519 it's a checklist; it's a task. 00:10:52.543 --> 00:10:57.030 It's things to do rather than how we often see flirting 00:10:57.054 --> 00:11:00.413 which is a stranger's evaluation of our worth. 00:11:01.813 --> 00:11:04.505 So now you know the signs of flirting, 00:11:04.577 --> 00:11:09.695 and I encourage you to not just recognize but be proactive, 00:11:09.794 --> 00:11:14.276 because these signs also use for you to express interest. 00:11:14.300 --> 00:11:16.984 And this is my challenge to you: 00:11:18.549 --> 00:11:22.120 forget about the game, forget about the rules, 00:11:22.344 --> 00:11:24.151 be genuine. 00:11:24.175 --> 00:11:27.895 Take action and go HOTAPE someone. 00:11:29.083 --> 00:11:30.239 Thank you. 00:11:30.264 --> 00:11:32.049 (Applause) 00:11:32.074 --> 00:11:33.614 Thank you.