0:00:10.578,0:00:12.299
Let me ask you something.

0:00:13.598,0:00:15.525
Have you ever been in a situation

0:00:15.724,0:00:18.172
where you've asked yourself[br]the following question:

0:00:21.398,0:00:26.021
is this person, is this person[br]flirting with me?

0:00:27.470,0:00:30.415
Picture the scene:[br]you're at a friend's party.

0:00:30.439,0:00:32.564
You sashay into the kitchen

0:00:32.589,0:00:34.839
because we all know[br]that's where the fun is.

0:00:35.429,0:00:37.985
And you see an attractive stranger

0:00:38.009,0:00:40.996
getting a drink refill from a box of wine.

0:00:41.079,0:00:43.456
Your friend's a student.

0:00:43.480,0:00:46.372
And so you get a drink refill,

0:00:46.510,0:00:50.530
and you say something hilarious[br]to the attractive stranger.

0:00:50.620,0:00:52.146
Attractive stranger laughs.

0:00:52.170,0:00:53.537
Good for you.

0:00:53.761,0:00:55.458
And then for the next few minutes

0:00:55.482,0:00:58.050
there's some eye contact, more talking.

0:00:58.830,0:01:00.877
But then after a few minutes

0:01:00.901,0:01:04.641
you start thinking,[br]'Is this person flirting with me?'

0:01:05.682,0:01:07.420
Sound familiar, anyone?

0:01:09.132,0:01:12.729
See the person sitting next to you,[br]it's happened to them.

0:01:12.781,0:01:15.736
The person in front of you,[br]it's happened to them.

0:01:15.960,0:01:18.872
You see this is a universal conundrum.

0:01:18.962,0:01:20.196
But no more!

0:01:20.420,0:01:22.198
Because in the next ten minutes

0:01:22.222,0:01:25.077
I'm going to tell you[br]the signs of flirting

0:01:25.102,0:01:29.383
and never again will you wonder:[br]is this person flirting with me?

0:01:30.791,0:01:32.139
I'm Jean Smith.

0:01:32.163,0:01:35.382
I'm a social anthropologist[br]who studies flirting,

0:01:36.032,0:01:38.179
a flirtologist, if you will.

0:01:39.112,0:01:44.920
Now, as a flirtologist, I do research,[br]I write books, I give talks.

0:01:45.144,0:01:48.366
And I work with clients[br]both private and corporate,

0:01:48.405,0:01:52.034
all with the goal of helping people[br]to become better flirts.

0:01:53.148,0:01:56.040
So I can see some of you[br]sitting there, you're thinking,

0:01:56.064,0:02:00.869
'Really!? Is this necessary?[br]I mean teaching people how to flirt?'

0:02:00.893,0:02:02.139
Yes.

0:02:02.164,0:02:03.279
(Laughter)

0:02:03.304,0:02:04.400
Yes, it is.

0:02:04.425,0:02:06.490
I've been doing this for over a decade.

0:02:06.514,0:02:07.970
And if the question -

0:02:07.994,0:02:10.901
is this person flirting with me -[br]was popular then,

0:02:10.925,0:02:14.410
it's now everyone-wants-[br]to-take-it-to-prom popular

0:02:14.434,0:02:16.370
because over the last decade

0:02:16.394,0:02:19.295
the way that we flirt[br]has changed dramatically.

0:02:20.315,0:02:23.622
People are relying more and more[br]on digital ways of communicating.

0:02:23.746,0:02:24.911
But let's face it,

0:02:24.935,0:02:27.321
an emoji with its tongue sticking out,

0:02:27.345,0:02:30.041
it's only going to get you so far.

0:02:30.065,0:02:32.635
At some point, you're going[br]to have to meet in person.

0:02:33.315,0:02:35.545
Unless of course, you're a Japanese male,

0:02:35.570,0:02:39.856
and in that case, you could go on to marry[br]your video game girlfriend: Rinko.

0:02:40.726,0:02:44.452
So as part of my quest[br]to help people become better flirts,

0:02:44.476,0:02:45.831
I did research.

0:02:45.855,0:02:49.372
I went to the cities of London,[br]New York, Paris and Stockholm,

0:02:49.596,0:02:53.382
and I researched the flirting behaviour[br]of its inhabitants.

0:02:53.406,0:02:57.405
And I found there were six things[br]that they all had in common.

0:02:57.506,0:03:00.642
Six ways that they could signal[br]they were flirting

0:03:00.666,0:03:04.343
and understood when someone[br]was flirting with them.

0:03:04.567,0:03:06.877
And I teach this as

0:03:08.177,0:03:09.759
H.O.T.-A.P.E.

0:03:09.826,0:03:11.556
(Laughter)

0:03:11.587,0:03:16.227
It's the six signs - it's an acronym[br]for the six signs of flirting.

0:03:17.288,0:03:21.153
So what if I were to say to you:[br]'You must be a parking ticket

0:03:21.178,0:03:24.508
because you've got "fine"[br]written all over you.'

0:03:25.458,0:03:26.608
Would you laugh?

0:03:27.179,0:03:28.809
Well, 'H' is for humour.

0:03:29.830,0:03:32.685
Raise your hand[br]if you thought my joke was funny.

0:03:32.909,0:03:35.022
Go ahead, don't be shy.

0:03:35.046,0:03:37.025
OK, everyone with their hands up,

0:03:37.049,0:03:38.945
I would totally date you.

0:03:38.969,0:03:40.256
(Laughter)

0:03:40.281,0:03:42.825
Well, if my husband[br]weren't such a control freak.

0:03:42.849,0:03:45.311
But anyway, if you[br]didn't raise your hands,

0:03:45.479,0:03:46.805
it's not a good match.

0:03:46.829,0:03:49.097
It's just not going to work between us.

0:03:49.121,0:03:50.650
But it's me, not you.

0:03:51.526,0:03:53.367
But this is a good thing

0:03:53.391,0:03:55.457
because HOTAPE-ing people -

0:03:55.481,0:03:57.727
it takes time.

0:03:58.151,0:04:00.780
Does anyone here[br]like reading a good novel,

0:04:01.630,0:04:03.827
watching an interesting TED talk?

0:04:03.851,0:04:06.100
Does anyone here like test cricket?

0:04:06.720,0:04:11.042
These things also take time,[br]especially test cricket, five days?

0:04:12.472,0:04:14.477
And this is where people[br]often get it wrong

0:04:14.501,0:04:16.720
because they want to attract everybody.

0:04:16.911,0:04:19.646
But no, you just want[br]to attract those people

0:04:19.671,0:04:21.450
who match with you.

0:04:21.474,0:04:23.018
And that's why humour,

0:04:23.042,0:04:25.281
specifically a shared sense of humour,

0:04:25.371,0:04:28.319
is really important[br]for helping you to differentiate

0:04:28.643,0:04:34.844
between your potential HOT-APEs[br]and squirrel monkeys.

0:04:35.502,0:04:37.079
I mean, yeah, they're cute.

0:04:37.103,0:04:39.658
I'm sure they have a great personality.

0:04:39.682,0:04:42.047
But at the end of the day[br]it's a squirrel monkey.

0:04:42.072,0:04:43.832
It's no HOT-APE.

0:04:44.402,0:04:47.838
So 'O' is for open body language.

0:04:48.262,0:04:49.609
Three things to remember.

0:04:49.633,0:04:52.554
Number one, don't do this.

0:04:53.273,0:04:55.340
I know some of you are guilty of this.

0:04:55.364,0:04:56.820
I've heard it all before,

0:04:56.844,0:05:00.210
oh, but I'm cold, or, this is comfortable.

0:05:00.234,0:05:03.340
OK, whiny voice aside, in which instance

0:05:03.364,0:05:04.940
do you want to HOT-APE me more?

0:05:05.043,0:05:06.193
Like this?

0:05:06.659,0:05:09.126
Or like this, right?

0:05:09.795,0:05:11.071
Not HOT-APE.

0:05:11.395,0:05:12.716
HOT-APE.

0:05:13.486,0:05:17.064
Number two: make sure your shoulders[br]are facing the person.

0:05:17.985,0:05:20.026
So not HOT-APE,

0:05:21.006,0:05:23.696
not HOT-APE, still not HOT-APE.

0:05:24.779,0:05:25.929
HOT-APE.

0:05:26.694,0:05:27.844
Not HOT-APE.

0:05:28.476,0:05:29.962
HOT-APE.

0:05:30.034,0:05:32.691
Now, the third,[br]this is the most important,

0:05:32.715,0:05:34.702
and I'm only telling you guys.

0:05:34.726,0:05:36.500
This is a really good one.

0:05:36.624,0:05:38.431
To see if someone's interested,

0:05:38.455,0:05:41.053
look at the direction[br]in which their feet are pointing.

0:05:41.086,0:05:44.302
So if their feet[br]are pointing at you, a good sign.

0:05:44.326,0:05:46.492
If they're kind of out to the side,

0:05:46.516,0:05:49.346
it means they're planning[br]their escape route.

0:05:50.356,0:05:52.683
The further away our limbs[br]are from our brain,

0:05:52.707,0:05:56.348
the harder it is for us to control them.

0:05:56.966,0:05:59.955
So, Shakira, I know you say:[br]the hips don't lie,

0:06:00.087,0:06:03.527
but the flirtologist is here[br]to say the feet don't lie.

0:06:05.047,0:06:07.048
'T' is for touch.

0:06:07.708,0:06:13.673
Like humour, touch also has a positive[br]physiological response on our body.

0:06:13.697,0:06:17.724
Now as a general rule, shoulder -[br]it's a safe place to touch.

0:06:17.748,0:06:22.114
But as you go down the arm[br]towards the hands,

0:06:22.138,0:06:24.194
the touch gets more intimate.

0:06:24.218,0:06:28.110
That's why I recommend everyone[br]should kind of tap the hand

0:06:28.134,0:06:29.974
and say something like:

0:06:29.998,0:06:31.394
'Oh, you're so funny',

0:06:31.418,0:06:33.599
people seem to love that stuff.

0:06:36.548,0:06:39.334
Oh, another place[br]that would be nice to touch

0:06:39.359,0:06:40.676
would be just here

0:06:40.700,0:06:43.135
at the top of the back[br]between the shoulder blades,

0:06:43.135,0:06:46.975
perhaps if you're passing by,[br]you can give a light touch.

0:06:46.999,0:06:49.407
Now, of all of the flirting signs,

0:06:49.531,0:06:53.687
people seem to be wariest[br]about using touch.

0:06:53.711,0:06:55.707
As one of my clients said,

0:06:55.731,0:06:58.066
'Well, the other signs[br]you can get away with.

0:06:58.090,0:07:00.860
But when it comes to touch,[br]you're culpable.'

0:07:01.850,0:07:04.916
But touch can get you[br]out of the friend zone,

0:07:04.940,0:07:07.917
and it can also show someone[br]that you're interested.

0:07:07.941,0:07:09.427
And as long as you remember,

0:07:09.451,0:07:10.826
I like test cricket,

0:07:10.850,0:07:12.027
it lasts five days,

0:07:12.051,0:07:14.337
I don't have time[br]to HOT-APE with everyone,

0:07:14.361,0:07:17.398
then if the person[br]doesn't respond positively,

0:07:17.422,0:07:19.151
you can try someone else.

0:07:19.821,0:07:22.538
'A' is for attention.

0:07:22.862,0:07:25.347
This one might seem obvious.

0:07:25.371,0:07:29.048
The more attention someone is paying you,[br]the more they like you.

0:07:29.072,0:07:31.858
But the problem is[br]once you are in the interaction,

0:07:31.882,0:07:34.498
it's really hard to be objective.

0:07:34.522,0:07:37.478
Which is why in anthropology,[br]we have a methodology,

0:07:37.502,0:07:39.448
it's called participant observation.

0:07:39.472,0:07:42.949
And I think this could be a really[br]useful tool for you to use in flirting.

0:07:44.052,0:07:47.245
It means that you're participating,[br]you're in the interaction,

0:07:47.312,0:07:49.823
but you're not so in it[br]that you can't observe.

0:07:50.813,0:07:53.080
So if you were to, for example,

0:07:53.104,0:07:56.350
touch and say something[br]and see the other person blushed,

0:07:56.574,0:07:59.169
it means that you're not so self-conscious

0:07:59.193,0:08:03.120
that you can't observe the effect[br]that you're having on the other person.

0:08:03.144,0:08:06.624
And that my friends[br]is when the flirting gets really fun.

0:08:08.014,0:08:09.885
'P' is for proximity.

0:08:11.083,0:08:13.470
Now proximity was used in two ways.

0:08:13.494,0:08:16.000
The first, if you see someone[br]across the room

0:08:16.024,0:08:19.370
and then all of a sudden[br]they're next to your side,

0:08:19.494,0:08:21.134
this is not a coincidence.

0:08:21.805,0:08:25.431
It means they like what they see[br]and they must explore further.

0:08:25.955,0:08:27.752
The other way proximity was used

0:08:27.776,0:08:30.121
is when you're actually[br]in the interaction,

0:08:30.145,0:08:32.381
they're standing closer than usual.

0:08:32.405,0:08:34.041
So if you're attracted, great.

0:08:34.065,0:08:37.015
If you're not, they're in your space.

0:08:37.155,0:08:42.121
So the last of the flirting signs[br]is the most important.

0:08:42.145,0:08:45.287
Can anyone guess what it is?

0:08:46.476,0:08:47.702
Thank you.

0:08:47.727,0:08:49.253
It's eye contact.

0:08:49.277,0:08:51.143
This was the number one way

0:08:51.167,0:08:54.271
that people could understand someone[br]who's flirting with them

0:08:54.296,0:08:58.025
and the difference[br]between friendly and flirting.

0:08:58.635,0:09:02.824
So in flirting eye-contact[br]the gaze happened more often.

0:09:03.148,0:09:05.424
It was held for a longer amount of time,

0:09:05.448,0:09:07.548
and it was more intense.

0:09:09.088,0:09:10.734
So using these signs:

0:09:10.758,0:09:15.822
humour, open body language, touch,[br]attention, proximity, eye contact,

0:09:15.846,0:09:18.414
you can recognize[br]when someone is flirting with you.

0:09:18.438,0:09:21.220
And as a general rule,[br]the more signs the better.

0:09:22.199,0:09:25.305
Now my favourite story of HOT-APE[br]being used in the field

0:09:25.329,0:09:27.974
was relayed to me by one of my clients.

0:09:27.998,0:09:30.566
She had shared HOT-APE[br]with all of her friends.

0:09:30.590,0:09:33.584
And one night, they went out[br]HOTAPE-ing guys.

0:09:33.908,0:09:38.145
One of her friends was making[br]eye contact with a guy at the bar,

0:09:38.169,0:09:40.375
and she went over and spoke with him.

0:09:40.399,0:09:42.848
She came back a few minutes later,

0:09:42.873,0:09:45.335
bit dejected, my client said,

0:09:45.359,0:09:49.375
'What happened? What happened?'[br]And she's like, 'Oh nothing.'

0:09:49.399,0:09:52.565
'Well, did you HOT-APE him?'[br]She's like, 'Yeah, yeah.'

0:09:52.589,0:09:54.804
And then they started[br]going through the sides:

0:09:54.829,0:09:57.055
'Did you use humour?'[br]She's like 'Yeah, yeah.'

0:09:57.080,0:10:00.555
'What about open body language?[br]You didn't do this like you usually do?'

0:10:00.580,0:10:01.767
'No, no.'

0:10:01.792,0:10:05.326
'What about touch?[br]Did you touch him? Back, hand.'

0:10:05.350,0:10:08.117
'Uh, God, I didn't use touch.'

0:10:08.141,0:10:11.886
And then they started laughing,[br]like, 'Well, no wonder.'

0:10:11.910,0:10:15.827
And what normally could have been[br]a situation of dejection

0:10:15.851,0:10:17.797
or, you know, feeling bad,

0:10:17.821,0:10:20.201
it just turned into a fun game.

0:10:20.951,0:10:23.228
And this is the power of HOTAPE

0:10:23.252,0:10:26.067
because it turns flirting[br]into what it should be.

0:10:26.191,0:10:29.613
It's something fun, easy,[br]it's not a big deal.

0:10:30.473,0:10:32.718
And when we think[br]about flirting like this,

0:10:32.742,0:10:35.572
it totally changes[br]our paradigm of rejection.

0:10:36.312,0:10:41.338
And in situations where we're often[br]feeling self-conscious or a bit nervous,

0:10:41.362,0:10:44.823
we have scientific tools[br]to help us remember what to do.

0:10:46.022,0:10:47.348
And finally,

0:10:47.373,0:10:49.730
it makes it's not about us,

0:10:49.813,0:10:52.519
it's a checklist; it's a task.

0:10:52.543,0:10:57.030
It's things to do rather than[br]how we often see flirting

0:10:57.054,0:11:00.413
which is a stranger's[br]evaluation of our worth.

0:11:01.813,0:11:04.505
So now you know the signs of flirting,

0:11:04.577,0:11:09.695
and I encourage you to not just[br]recognize but be proactive,

0:11:09.794,0:11:14.276
because these signs also use[br]for you to express interest.

0:11:14.300,0:11:16.984
And this is my challenge to you:

0:11:18.549,0:11:22.120
forget about the game,[br]forget about the rules,

0:11:22.344,0:11:24.151
be genuine.

0:11:24.175,0:11:27.895
Take action and go HOTAPE someone.

0:11:29.083,0:11:30.239
Thank you.

0:11:30.264,0:11:32.049
(Applause)

0:11:32.074,0:11:33.614
Thank you.