WEBVTT

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I was the CEO of a large
religious nonprofit,

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the host of a national television show.

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I preached in mega churches.

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I was a successful, well-educated,
white American male.

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The poet and mystic Thomas Merton said,

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"It's a difficult thing to climb
to the top of the ladder of success

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only to realize when you get there

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that your ladder has been leaning
against the wrong wall."

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(Laughter)

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I knew from the time was three
or four years of age I was transgender.

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In my naivety, I thought I got to choose.

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I thought a gender fairy
would arrive and say,

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"Okay, the time has come!"

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But alas, no gender fairy arrived,

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so I just lived my life.

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I didn't hate being a boy.

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I just knew I wasn't one.

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I went to college, got married,
had kids, built a career,

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but the call toward authenticity
has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm.

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(Laughter)

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And eventually decisions have to be made.

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So I came out as transgender
and I lost all of my jobs.

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I had never had a bad review,

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and I lost every single job.

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In 21 states, you can't be fired
for being transgender,

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but in all 50,

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you can be fired if you're transgender
and you work for a religious corporation.

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Good to know!

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(Laughter)

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It's not easy being a transgender woman.

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People sometimes ask,
"Do you feel 100% like a woman?"

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And I say, "Well, if you've talked
to one transgender person,

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you've talked to exactly one
transgender person.

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I can't speak for anybody else."

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I feel 100% like a transgender woman.

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There are things a cisgender woman
knows I will never know.

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That said, I am learning a lot
about what it means to be a female,

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and I am learning a lot
about my former gender.

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(Laughter)

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I have the unique experience
of having lived life on both sides -

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(Laughter)

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and I'm here to tell you:
the differences are massive.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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So, I'll start with the small stuff -

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like the pockets on women's jeans.

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(Laughter)

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What!

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(Cheers) (Applause)

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(Laughter)

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I can't put a phone in there.

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(Laughter)

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Paper clip, maybe.

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(Laughter)

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Or the sizing of women's clothing.

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Do the numbers mean anything?

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(Laughter)

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What is a double zero?

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(Laughter)

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And ladies, I doubt
you've thought about this,

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but do you know there is never
a time in the life of a male

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that he has to worry about whether or not

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an article of his clothing is accidentally
going to drop into the toilet?

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Not a long sweater, not a belt, nothing.

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Never even a passing thought.

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(Laughter)

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Now, I get my hair cut
about half as often as I used to,

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but it costs tens times as much.

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(Laughter)

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So, I can go on vacation
or I can get my hair cut.

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I cannot do both.

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(Laughter)

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I keep bumping into gender
differences everywhere I go!

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Sometimes literally.

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I'm walking down the hallway
and I just bump into it.

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There's nothing in the way,
and I just bump into it.

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I think, "What's that about?"

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And I know it's going to leave a bruise

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because now that my skin is thinner
I have bruises absolutely everywhere.

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How I experience my sexuality
is profoundly different.

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It's less visual and more holistic;

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less of a body experience
and more of a being experience.

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I cannot count the number of times
I've said to Cathy, my former wife,

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"I am so, so sorry!"

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(Laughter)

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I just didn't know what I didn't know.

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There is no way a well-educated
white male can understand

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how much the culture
is tilted in his favor.

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There's no way he can understand it
because it's all he's ever known,

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and all he ever will know.

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And conversely,

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there's no way that a woman
can understand the full import of that

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because being a female
is all she's ever known.

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She might have an inkling that she's
working twice as hard for half as much,

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but she has no idea

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how much harder it is for her than it is
for the guy in the Brooks Brothers jacket

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in the office across the hall.

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I know! I was that guy!

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And I thought I was one of the good guys,

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sensitive to women,

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egalitarian.

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Then came the first time
I ever flew as a female.

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Now, I've flown over 2.3 million miles
with American Airlines.

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I know my way around an airplane.

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And American was great
through my transition,

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but that does not mean
their passengers were.

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The first time I flew as Paula,
I was going from Denver to Charlotte,

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and I got on the plane
and there was stuff in my seat.

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So, I picked it up to put my stuff down,
and a guy said, "That's my stuff."

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I said, "Okay, but it's in my seat.

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So, I'll just hold it for you
until you find your seat,

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and then I'll give it to you."

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He said, "Lady, that is my seat!"

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I said, "Actually, it's not.
It's my seat."

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(Laughter)

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"1D, 1D.

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But I'll be glad to hold your stuff
until you find your seat."

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He said, "What do I have
to tell you? That is my seat!"

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I said, "Yeah, it's not."

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(Laughter)

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At which point the guy behind me said,

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"Lady, would you take
your effing argument elsewhere

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so I can get in the airplane?"

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I was absolutely stunned!

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I had never been treated
like that as a male.

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I would have said,
"I believe that's my seat,"

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and the guy immediately
would have looked at his boarding pass

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and said, "Oh, I'm sorry."

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I know that because
it happened all the time!

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The flight attendant
took our boarding passes.

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She said to the guy,
"Sir, you're in 1C. She's in 1D."

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I put his stuff down in 1C,
he said not one single word,

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and of course you know
who was next to me in 1F.

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(Laughter).

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Mister "would you take
your effing argument elsewhere."

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(Laughter)

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So, my friend Karen,
who works for American,

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came on the plane
to give the pilot his paperwork.

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She left and waved goodbye.

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When I got to Charlotte, she called me.

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She said, "Paula, what happened?

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You were as white as a sheet!"

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I told her and she said, "Yeah.

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Welcome to the world of women!"

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(Laughter)

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Now, the truth is I will not live
long enough to lose my male privilege.

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I brought it with me when I transitioned.

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(Laughter)

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A lot of decades of being a man.

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But that doesn't mean
I don't see my power diminishing.

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Let me tell you
another thing I've observed.

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Apparently, since I became a female,
I have become stupid.

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(Laughter)

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Yeah, I guess it's the loss of
testosterone and the arrival of estrogen

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that has caused me to lose the brain cells

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necessary to be a fully
functioning adult human.

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(Laughter)

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Either that or I'm as smart as I ever was,

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it's just now I'm constantly
being subjected to mansplaining.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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So, I was in my local Denver bike shop
and a young summer employee said,

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"Can I help?"

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And I said, "Yeah.

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Can the frame of an older
Gary Fisher mountain bike

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start to flex and bend enough
that it causes the rear break to rub?"

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He said, "Well, disk breaks
need regular adjustments."

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I said, "I know that,

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and in fact I do
my reg break adjustments."

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He said, "Oh, well,
then your rotor's bent."

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I said, "Yeah, my rotor is not bent.
I know a bent rotor."

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With condescension, he said,
"Well, what do you want me to do?"

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I said, "You could answer my question."

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(Laughter)

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At which point Kyle, the manager
of the shop, stepped in.

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He's such a sweetheart.

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He said, "I think you're probably right.

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Let me ask you a question:

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Do you only get a chirp coming
from that rear break

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when you're pulling hard uphill?"

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I said, "Yes, exactly!"

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He said, "Yeah, that's frame fatigue."

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I wanted to fall at the feet of Kyle
and call him blessed!

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(Laughter)

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Someone was taking me seriously!

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This happens all the time now.

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I have to go three
or four rounds with someone

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before I get a direct answer!

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And there's a deeper issue:

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the more you're treated as if
you don't know what you're talking about,

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the more you begin to question

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whether or not you do in fact
know what you're talking about, right?

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(Applause)

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I understand the woman's tendency
to doubt herself.

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Do you ever notice if a woman
is in a meeting with a group of men,

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and she knows she's right,

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she apologizes for it?

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She says, "I'm sorry,
but I don't think those numbers add up."

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You know, you don't have
to apologize for being right.

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(Cheers) (Applause)

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Since I'm new to this gender,
I asked my good friend Jen.

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I said, "What are women
looking for in men?"

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She said, "Women are looking for men
who will honor our uniqueness,

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who will realize our gifting
is not lesser, it's not weaker,

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it's just different,

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it is in fact more comprehensive
and it's essential."

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Now, of course there are men
who do honor women, lots of them,

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like my good friend
and fellow pastor, Mark,

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who always draws out the best in me

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and then seems to take pleasure
in watching me lead.

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We need more men like Mark,

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who are willing to honor
and empower women.

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I know I'm going to keep bumping into
additional differences on this journey,

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but let me leave you with this.

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To the women, I offer my heartfelt thanks.

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I often feel like an interloper,

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a late arrival to the serious
work of womanhood,

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but you show me grace and great mercy.

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I want you to know you are
far more capable than you realize,

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you are more powerful than you know

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and you reflect the best parts
of what it means to be fully human.

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And to you guys

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who are probably feeling more than
a little bit uncomfortable right now -

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(Laughter)

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I do understand.

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I never thought I had privilege,

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but I did.

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And so do you.

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What can you do?

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You can believe us

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when we tell you that we might,
we might have equality,

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but we do not have equity.

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It is not a level playing field,
it never has been.

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You can be a part of the solution
by elevating us to equal footing.

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You uniquely have that power.

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And to all of us,

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do you know who I think about a lot?

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I think about my brown-skinned daughter,

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and my brown-skinned daughter-in-law.

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What do they know that I'm clueless about?

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What do any of us really know about
the shoes in which we have never walked?

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It's hard being a woman,
it's hard being a transgender woman.

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As a man, I just didn't know
what I didn't know.

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Would I do it all again?

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Of course I would,

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because the call toward authenticity
is sacred, it's holy,

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it's for the greater good.

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For 45 years, my father
was a fundamentalist pastor.

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My mother is even more conservative -

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(Laughter)

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When I came out as transgender,
they rejected me.

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I thought I would never
speak to them again.

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Last January, I took a chance
and called my dad on his birthday,

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and he took my call.

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We talked for about a half hour,
and about a month later,

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I asked if I could come for a visit,
and they said yes.

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And last spring, I had a delightfully
redemptive three-hour visit with them.

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I've met with them twice since.

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But that day, toward the end
of the conversation, that first day,

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my father said a number
of precious things.

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As I stood to go -

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he said -

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(Applause)

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As I stood to go, he said,

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"Paula" -

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He called me Paula -

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(Applause)

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He said, "Paula, I don't understand this,

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but I am willing to try."

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My father is 93 years old,

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and he's willing to try.

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What more could I ask?

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I hugged him so tightly.

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One man willing to give up his power
because he knew what he knew,

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that he loved his child,

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and he was willing to do
whatever it takes

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to honor the journey of another.

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Thank you.

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(Applause) (Cheers)