0:00:11.221,0:00:16.278
I was the CEO of a large[br]religious nonprofit,

0:00:16.278,0:00:19.173
the host of a national television show.

0:00:19.173,0:00:21.773
I preached in mega churches.

0:00:21.773,0:00:28.474
I was a successful, well-educated,[br]white American male.

0:00:29.943,0:00:32.373
The poet and mystic Thomas Merton said,

0:00:32.373,0:00:35.879
"It's a difficult thing to climb[br]to the top of the ladder of success

0:00:35.879,0:00:37.963
only to realize when you get there

0:00:37.963,0:00:41.722
that your ladder has been leaning[br]against the wrong wall."

0:00:41.722,0:00:43.663
(Laughter)

0:00:44.422,0:00:48.262
I knew from the time was three[br]or four years of age I was transgender.

0:00:48.262,0:00:51.351
In my naivety, I thought I got to choose.

0:00:51.351,0:00:53.553
I thought a gender fairy[br]would arrive and say,

0:00:53.553,0:00:56.121
"Okay, the time has come!"

0:00:56.121,0:00:59.582
But alas, no gender fairy arrived,

0:00:59.582,0:01:01.451
so I just lived my life.

0:01:01.451,0:01:03.829
I didn't hate being a boy.

0:01:03.829,0:01:05.933
I just knew I wasn't one.

0:01:05.933,0:01:10.011
I went to college, got married,[br]had kids, built a career,

0:01:10.011,0:01:15.742
but the call toward authenticity[br]has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm.

0:01:15.742,0:01:16.691
(Laughter)

0:01:16.691,0:01:19.682
And eventually decisions have to be made.

0:01:19.683,0:01:24.600
So I came out as transgender[br]and I lost all of my jobs.

0:01:25.002,0:01:27.279
I had never had a bad review,

0:01:27.279,0:01:30.854
and I lost every single job.

0:01:31.229,0:01:35.992
In 21 states, you can't be fired[br]for being transgender,

0:01:35.992,0:01:37.420
but in all 50,

0:01:37.420,0:01:42.706
you can be fired if you're transgender[br]and you work for a religious corporation.

0:01:43.046,0:01:44.601
Good to know!

0:01:44.601,0:01:46.803
(Laughter)

0:01:48.756,0:01:52.272
It's not easy being a transgender woman.

0:01:52.272,0:01:56.869
People sometimes ask,[br]"Do you feel 100% like a woman?"

0:01:56.869,0:01:59.744
And I say, "Well, if you've talked[br]to one transgender person,

0:01:59.744,0:02:03.271
you've talked to exactly one[br]transgender person.

0:02:03.271,0:02:05.719
I can't speak for anybody else."

0:02:06.004,0:02:09.753
I feel 100% like a transgender woman.

0:02:10.150,0:02:13.622
There are things a cisgender woman[br]knows I will never know.

0:02:13.622,0:02:18.731
That said, I am learning a lot[br]about what it means to be a female,

0:02:18.731,0:02:23.209
and I am learning a lot[br]about my former gender.

0:02:23.942,0:02:25.762
(Laughter)

0:02:25.762,0:02:29.335
I have the unique experience[br]of having lived life on both sides -

0:02:29.335,0:02:30.332
(Laughter)

0:02:30.332,0:02:35.391
and I'm here to tell you:[br]the differences are massive.

0:02:35.391,0:02:37.446
(Laughter)

0:02:38.073,0:02:40.707
(Applause)

0:02:42.641,0:02:45.129
So, I'll start with the small stuff -

0:02:45.129,0:02:47.642
like the pockets on women's jeans.

0:02:47.642,0:02:49.522
(Laughter)

0:02:49.522,0:02:50.751
What!

0:02:50.751,0:02:53.238
(Cheers) (Applause)

0:02:55.514,0:02:56.723
(Laughter)

0:02:56.723,0:02:58.931
I can't put a phone in there.

0:02:58.931,0:03:00.033
(Laughter)

0:03:00.033,0:03:01.812
Paper clip, maybe.

0:03:01.812,0:03:03.626
(Laughter)

0:03:04.642,0:03:07.814
Or the sizing of women's clothing.

0:03:08.414,0:03:10.682
Do the numbers mean anything?

0:03:10.682,0:03:12.382
(Laughter)

0:03:12.382,0:03:14.522
What is a double zero?

0:03:14.522,0:03:16.111
(Laughter)

0:03:16.111,0:03:18.271
And ladies, I doubt[br]you've thought about this,

0:03:18.271,0:03:22.338
but do you know there is never[br]a time in the life of a male

0:03:22.338,0:03:24.531
that he has to worry about whether or not

0:03:24.531,0:03:29.094
an article of his clothing is accidentally[br]going to drop into the toilet?

0:03:29.534,0:03:32.212
Not a long sweater, not a belt, nothing.

0:03:32.212,0:03:34.658
Never even a passing thought.

0:03:34.658,0:03:36.431
(Laughter)

0:03:41.319,0:03:45.143
Now, I get my hair cut[br]about half as often as I used to,

0:03:45.763,0:03:47.925
but it costs tens times as much.

0:03:47.925,0:03:49.573
(Laughter)

0:03:50.042,0:03:52.476
So, I can go on vacation[br]or I can get my hair cut.

0:03:52.476,0:03:53.952
I cannot do both.

0:03:53.952,0:03:55.541
(Laughter)

0:03:55.892,0:04:00.163
I keep bumping into gender[br]differences everywhere I go!

0:04:00.163,0:04:02.124
Sometimes literally.

0:04:02.124,0:04:05.123
I'm walking down the hallway[br]and I just bump into it.

0:04:05.123,0:04:08.073
There's nothing in the way,[br]and I just bump into it.

0:04:08.073,0:04:09.473
I think, "What's that about?"

0:04:09.473,0:04:11.471
And I know it's going to leave a bruise

0:04:11.471,0:04:17.036
because now that my skin is thinner[br]I have bruises absolutely everywhere.

0:04:18.355,0:04:23.175
How I experience my sexuality[br]is profoundly different.

0:04:23.635,0:04:27.784
It's less visual and more holistic;

0:04:28.115,0:04:33.545
less of a body experience[br]and more of a being experience.

0:04:33.944,0:04:38.322
I cannot count the number of times[br]I've said to Cathy, my former wife,

0:04:38.322,0:04:40.391
"I am so, so sorry!"

0:04:40.391,0:04:41.754
(Laughter)

0:04:41.754,0:04:45.625
I just didn't know what I didn't know.

0:04:46.613,0:04:50.744
There is no way a well-educated[br]white male can understand

0:04:50.744,0:04:53.810
how much the culture[br]is tilted in his favor.

0:04:54.255,0:04:58.538
There's no way he can understand it[br]because it's all he's ever known,

0:04:58.903,0:05:01.034
and all he ever will know.

0:05:01.524,0:05:03.132
And conversely,

0:05:03.132,0:05:07.035
there's no way that a woman[br]can understand the full import of that

0:05:07.035,0:05:10.113
because being a female[br]is all she's ever known.

0:05:10.451,0:05:14.511
She might have an inkling that she's[br]working twice as hard for half as much,

0:05:14.511,0:05:17.352
but she has no idea

0:05:17.352,0:05:21.713
how much harder it is for her than it is[br]for the guy in the Brooks Brothers jacket

0:05:21.713,0:05:23.767
in the office across the hall.

0:05:24.154,0:05:27.279
I know! I was that guy!

0:05:27.771,0:05:30.514
And I thought I was one of the good guys,

0:05:30.514,0:05:32.805
sensitive to women,

0:05:32.805,0:05:34.681
egalitarian.

0:05:35.025,0:05:37.901
Then came the first time[br]I ever flew as a female.

0:05:38.253,0:05:42.211
Now, I've flown over 2.3 million miles[br]with American Airlines.

0:05:42.211,0:05:44.252
I know my way around an airplane.

0:05:44.252,0:05:46.383
And American was great[br]through my transition,

0:05:46.383,0:05:49.292
but that does not mean[br]their passengers were.

0:05:49.663,0:05:54.231
The first time I flew as Paula,[br]I was going from Denver to Charlotte,

0:05:54.231,0:05:56.760
and I got on the plane[br]and there was stuff in my seat.

0:05:56.760,0:06:01.663
So, I picked it up to put my stuff down,[br]and a guy said, "That's my stuff."

0:06:01.663,0:06:04.853
I said, "Okay, but it's in my seat.

0:06:04.853,0:06:07.682
So, I'll just hold it for you[br]until you find your seat,

0:06:07.682,0:06:09.114
and then I'll give it to you."

0:06:09.114,0:06:12.024
He said, "Lady, that is my seat!"

0:06:12.024,0:06:14.933
I said, "Actually, it's not.[br]It's my seat."

0:06:14.933,0:06:15.964
(Laughter)

0:06:15.964,0:06:17.824
"1D, 1D.

0:06:17.824,0:06:21.583
But I'll be glad to hold your stuff[br]until you find your seat."

0:06:21.583,0:06:24.243
He said, "What do I have[br]to tell you? That is my seat!"

0:06:24.243,0:06:26.083
I said, "Yeah, it's not."

0:06:26.083,0:06:28.175
(Laughter)

0:06:28.175,0:06:30.072
At which point the guy behind me said,

0:06:30.072,0:06:33.014
"Lady, would you take[br]your effing argument elsewhere

0:06:33.014,0:06:35.355
so I can get in the airplane?"

0:06:36.033,0:06:39.461
I was absolutely stunned!

0:06:39.461,0:06:43.127
I had never been treated[br]like that as a male.

0:06:43.127,0:06:45.304
I would have said,[br]"I believe that's my seat,"

0:06:45.304,0:06:48.255
and the guy immediately[br]would have looked at his boarding pass

0:06:48.255,0:06:49.643
and said, "Oh, I'm sorry."

0:06:49.643,0:06:53.615
I know that because[br]it happened all the time!

0:06:54.382,0:06:57.054
The flight attendant[br]took our boarding passes.

0:06:57.054,0:07:00.864
She said to the guy,[br]"Sir, you're in 1C. She's in 1D."

0:07:00.864,0:07:04.375
I put his stuff down in 1C,[br]he said not one single word,

0:07:04.375,0:07:07.163
and of course you know[br]who was next to me in 1F.

0:07:07.163,0:07:08.131
(Laughter).

0:07:08.131,0:07:11.164
Mister "would you take[br]your effing argument elsewhere."

0:07:11.164,0:07:12.235
(Laughter)

0:07:12.235,0:07:14.600
So, my friend Karen,[br]who works for American,

0:07:14.600,0:07:17.536
came on the plane[br]to give the pilot his paperwork.

0:07:17.536,0:07:19.592
She left and waved goodbye.

0:07:19.592,0:07:21.814
When I got to Charlotte, she called me.

0:07:21.814,0:07:25.182
She said, "Paula, what happened?

0:07:25.182,0:07:27.898
You were as white as a sheet!"

0:07:28.344,0:07:30.694
I told her and she said, "Yeah.

0:07:31.464,0:07:33.724
Welcome to the world of women!"

0:07:33.724,0:07:35.065
(Laughter)

0:07:35.474,0:07:41.267
Now, the truth is I will not live[br]long enough to lose my male privilege.

0:07:41.695,0:07:44.826
I brought it with me when I transitioned.

0:07:44.826,0:07:46.316
(Laughter)

0:07:46.316,0:07:49.142
A lot of decades of being a man.

0:07:50.662,0:07:53.403
But that doesn't mean[br]I don't see my power diminishing.

0:07:53.403,0:07:55.733
Let me tell you[br]another thing I've observed.

0:07:55.733,0:08:00.583
Apparently, since I became a female,[br]I have become stupid.

0:08:00.583,0:08:02.594
(Laughter)

0:08:04.152,0:08:09.846
Yeah, I guess it's the loss of[br]testosterone and the arrival of estrogen

0:08:09.846,0:08:12.336
that has caused me to lose the brain cells

0:08:12.336,0:08:15.753
necessary to be a fully[br]functioning adult human.

0:08:15.753,0:08:17.083
(Laughter)

0:08:17.475,0:08:20.743
Either that or I'm as smart as I ever was,

0:08:20.743,0:08:25.604
it's just now I'm constantly[br]being subjected to mansplaining.

0:08:25.604,0:08:27.259
(Laughter)

0:08:27.984,0:08:30.557
(Applause)

0:08:32.105,0:08:37.014
So, I was in my local Denver bike shop[br]and a young summer employee said,

0:08:37.014,0:08:38.235
"Can I help?"

0:08:38.235,0:08:40.065
And I said, "Yeah.

0:08:40.065,0:08:43.435
Can the frame of an older[br]Gary Fisher mountain bike

0:08:43.435,0:08:47.482
start to flex and bend enough[br]that it causes the rear break to rub?"

0:08:47.482,0:08:50.585
He said, "Well, disk breaks[br]need regular adjustments."

0:08:51.015,0:08:53.763
I said, "I know that,

0:08:53.763,0:08:57.612
and in fact I do[br]my reg break adjustments."

0:08:57.612,0:09:00.363
He said, "Oh, well,[br]then your rotor's bent."

0:09:00.363,0:09:03.646
I said, "Yeah, my rotor is not bent.[br]I know a bent rotor."

0:09:03.646,0:09:07.535
With condescension, he said,[br]"Well, what do you want me to do?"

0:09:08.004,0:09:11.045
I said, "You could answer my question."

0:09:11.045,0:09:12.343
(Laughter)

0:09:12.343,0:09:15.135
At which point Kyle, the manager[br]of the shop, stepped in.

0:09:15.135,0:09:16.496
He's such a sweetheart.

0:09:16.496,0:09:19.011
He said, "I think you're probably right.

0:09:19.011,0:09:20.705
Let me ask you a question:

0:09:20.705,0:09:23.515
Do you only get a chirp coming[br]from that rear break

0:09:23.515,0:09:25.174
when you're pulling hard uphill?"

0:09:25.174,0:09:26.934
I said, "Yes, exactly!"

0:09:26.934,0:09:29.300
He said, "Yeah, that's frame fatigue."

0:09:29.857,0:09:34.074
I wanted to fall at the feet of Kyle[br]and call him blessed!

0:09:34.074,0:09:35.314
(Laughter)

0:09:35.314,0:09:38.121
Someone was taking me seriously!

0:09:38.446,0:09:40.507
This happens all the time now.

0:09:40.507,0:09:43.304
I have to go three[br]or four rounds with someone

0:09:43.304,0:09:45.458
before I get a direct answer!

0:09:45.895,0:09:47.727
And there's a deeper issue:

0:09:48.225,0:09:51.904
the more you're treated as if[br]you don't know what you're talking about,

0:09:51.904,0:09:53.363
the more you begin to question

0:09:53.363,0:09:58.436
whether or not you do in fact[br]know what you're talking about, right?

0:09:58.436,0:10:00.445
(Applause)

0:10:03.043,0:10:07.500
I understand the woman's tendency[br]to doubt herself.

0:10:07.500,0:10:10.649
Do you ever notice if a woman[br]is in a meeting with a group of men,

0:10:10.649,0:10:12.193
and she knows she's right,

0:10:12.193,0:10:14.166
she apologizes for it?

0:10:14.454,0:10:17.676
She says, "I'm sorry,[br]but I don't think those numbers add up."

0:10:17.676,0:10:21.274
You know, you don't have[br]to apologize for being right.

0:10:21.274,0:10:24.159
(Cheers) (Applause)

0:10:28.593,0:10:32.025
Since I'm new to this gender,[br]I asked my good friend Jen.

0:10:32.025,0:10:35.344
I said, "What are women[br]looking for in men?"

0:10:35.344,0:10:40.076
She said, "Women are looking for men[br]who will honor our uniqueness,

0:10:40.076,0:10:43.136
who will realize our gifting[br]is not lesser, it's not weaker,

0:10:43.136,0:10:44.184
it's just different,

0:10:44.184,0:10:48.397
it is in fact more comprehensive[br]and it's essential."

0:10:49.185,0:10:52.795
Now, of course there are men[br]who do honor women, lots of them,

0:10:52.795,0:10:55.453
like my good friend[br]and fellow pastor, Mark,

0:10:55.453,0:10:58.613
who always draws out the best in me

0:10:58.613,0:11:02.016
and then seems to take pleasure[br]in watching me lead.

0:11:02.016,0:11:03.856
We need more men like Mark,

0:11:03.856,0:11:07.954
who are willing to honor[br]and empower women.

0:11:08.635,0:11:12.315
I know I'm going to keep bumping into[br]additional differences on this journey,

0:11:12.315,0:11:15.081
but let me leave you with this.

0:11:15.081,0:11:18.927
To the women, I offer my heartfelt thanks.

0:11:19.313,0:11:22.647
I often feel like an interloper,

0:11:23.216,0:11:27.133
a late arrival to the serious[br]work of womanhood,

0:11:27.986,0:11:31.543
but you show me grace and great mercy.

0:11:32.128,0:11:36.657
I want you to know you are[br]far more capable than you realize,

0:11:36.657,0:11:39.560
you are more powerful than you know

0:11:39.560,0:11:44.151
and you reflect the best parts[br]of what it means to be fully human.

0:11:45.055,0:11:46.166
And to you guys

0:11:46.166,0:11:49.606
who are probably feeling more than[br]a little bit uncomfortable right now -

0:11:49.606,0:11:51.572
(Laughter)

0:11:52.375,0:11:54.772
I do understand.

0:11:55.324,0:11:57.593
I never thought I had privilege,

0:11:58.425,0:11:59.956
but I did.

0:12:02.833,0:12:04.566
And so do you.

0:12:05.216,0:12:06.743
What can you do?

0:12:07.115,0:12:08.957
You can believe us

0:12:09.208,0:12:12.565
when we tell you that we might,[br]we might have equality,

0:12:12.565,0:12:15.117
but we do not have equity.

0:12:15.515,0:12:19.252
It is not a level playing field,[br]it never has been.

0:12:19.709,0:12:23.437
You can be a part of the solution[br]by elevating us to equal footing.

0:12:23.437,0:12:26.026
You uniquely have that power.

0:12:27.586,0:12:29.518
And to all of us,

0:12:29.518,0:12:31.677
do you know who I think about a lot?

0:12:32.893,0:12:35.915
I think about my brown-skinned daughter,

0:12:36.480,0:12:38.847
and my brown-skinned daughter-in-law.

0:12:38.847,0:12:41.305
What do they know that I'm clueless about?

0:12:41.305,0:12:46.058
What do any of us really know about[br]the shoes in which we have never walked?

0:12:46.656,0:12:50.815
It's hard being a woman,[br]it's hard being a transgender woman.

0:12:50.815,0:12:54.025
As a man, I just didn't know[br]what I didn't know.

0:12:54.516,0:12:56.315
Would I do it all again?

0:12:56.315,0:12:58.314
Of course I would,

0:12:58.314,0:13:03.357
because the call toward authenticity[br]is sacred, it's holy,

0:13:03.357,0:13:05.822
it's for the greater good.

0:13:07.384,0:13:11.429
For 45 years, my father[br]was a fundamentalist pastor.

0:13:12.034,0:13:14.722
My mother is even more conservative -

0:13:14.722,0:13:16.739
(Laughter)

0:13:17.906,0:13:21.294
When I came out as transgender,[br]they rejected me.

0:13:21.294,0:13:23.680
I thought I would never[br]speak to them again.

0:13:24.394,0:13:27.642
Last January, I took a chance[br]and called my dad on his birthday,

0:13:27.642,0:13:29.217
and he took my call.

0:13:29.466,0:13:32.165
We talked for about a half hour,[br]and about a month later,

0:13:32.165,0:13:35.808
I asked if I could come for a visit,[br]and they said yes.

0:13:35.808,0:13:40.316
And last spring, I had a delightfully[br]redemptive three-hour visit with them.

0:13:40.316,0:13:42.465
I've met with them twice since.

0:13:42.836,0:13:46.255
But that day, toward the end[br]of the conversation, that first day,

0:13:46.255,0:13:49.279
my father said a number[br]of precious things.

0:13:50.126,0:13:52.146
As I stood to go -

0:13:54.218,0:13:55.476
he said -

0:13:55.476,0:13:57.798
(Applause)

0:14:01.207,0:14:03.176
As I stood to go, he said,

0:14:03.176,0:14:04.742
"Paula" -

0:14:07.297,0:14:09.307
He called me Paula -

0:14:10.457,0:14:13.657
(Applause)

0:14:19.715,0:14:23.414
He said, "Paula, I don't understand this,

0:14:23.414,0:14:25.878
but I am willing to try."

0:14:26.885,0:14:30.979
My father is 93 years old,

0:14:31.857,0:14:34.272
and he's willing to try.

0:14:35.036,0:14:37.091
What more could I ask?

0:14:37.389,0:14:39.910
I hugged him so tightly.

0:14:40.776,0:14:47.679
One man willing to give up his power[br]because he knew what he knew,

0:14:47.679,0:14:50.756
that he loved his child,

0:14:51.247,0:14:54.987
and he was willing to do[br]whatever it takes

0:14:54.987,0:14:58.667
to honor the journey of another.

0:14:59.271,0:15:00.557
Thank you.

0:15:00.557,0:15:03.242
(Applause) (Cheers)