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I was the CEO of a large
religious nonprofit,

2
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the host of a national television show.

3
00:00:19,173 --> 00:00:21,773
I preached in mega churches.

4
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I was a successful, well-educated,
white American male.

5
00:00:29,943 --> 00:00:32,373
The poet and mystic Thomas Merton said,

6
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"It's a difficult thing to climb
to the top of the ladder of success

7
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only to realize when you get there

8
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that your ladder has been leaning
against the wrong wall."

9
00:00:41,722 --> 00:00:43,663
(Laughter)

10
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I knew from the time was three
or four years of age I was transgender.

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In my naivety, I thought I got to choose.

12
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I thought a gender fairy
would arrive and say,

13
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"Okay, the time has come!"

14
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But alas, no gender fairy arrived,

15
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so I just lived my life.

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I didn't hate being a boy.

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I just knew I wasn't one.

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I went to college, got married,
had kids, built a career,

19
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but the call toward authenticity
has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm.

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(Laughter)

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And eventually decisions have to be made.

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So I came out as transgender
and I lost all of my jobs.

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I had never had a bad review,

24
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and I lost every single job.

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In 21 states, you can't be fired
for being transgender,

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but in all 50,

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you can be fired if you're transgender
and you work for a religious corporation.

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Good to know!

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(Laughter)

30
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It's not easy being a transgender woman.

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People sometimes ask,
"Do you feel 100% like a woman?"

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And I say, "Well, if you've talked
to one transgender person,

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you've talked to exactly one
transgender person.

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I can't speak for anybody else."

35
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I feel 100% like a transgender woman.

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There are things a cisgender woman
knows I will never know.

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That said, I am learning a lot
about what it means to be a female,

38
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and I am learning a lot
about my former gender.

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(Laughter)

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I have the unique experience
of having lived life on both sides -

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(Laughter)

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and I'm here to tell you:
the differences are massive.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

45
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So, I'll start with the small stuff -

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like the pockets on women's jeans.

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(Laughter)

48
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What!

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(Cheers) (Applause)

50
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(Laughter)

51
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I can't put a phone in there.

52
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(Laughter)

53
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Paper clip, maybe.

54
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(Laughter)

55
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Or the sizing of women's clothing.

56
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Do the numbers mean anything?

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(Laughter)

58
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What is a double zero?

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(Laughter)

60
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And ladies, I doubt
you've thought about this,

61
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but do you know there is never
a time in the life of a male

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that he has to worry about whether or not

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an article of his clothing is accidentally
going to drop into the toilet?

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Not a long sweater, not a belt, nothing.

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Never even a passing thought.

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(Laughter)

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Now, I get my hair cut
about half as often as I used to,

68
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but it costs tens times as much.

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(Laughter)

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So, I can go on vacation
or I can get my hair cut.

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I cannot do both.

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(Laughter)

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I keep bumping into gender
differences everywhere I go!

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Sometimes literally.

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I'm walking down the hallway
and I just bump into it.

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There's nothing in the way,
and I just bump into it.

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I think, "What's that about?"

78
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And I know it's going to leave a bruise

79
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because now that my skin is thinner
I have bruises absolutely everywhere.

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How I experience my sexuality
is profoundly different.

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It's less visual and more holistic;

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less of a body experience
and more of a being experience.

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I cannot count the number of times
I've said to Cathy, my former wife,

84
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"I am so, so sorry!"

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(Laughter)

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I just didn't know what I didn't know.

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There is no way a well-educated
white male can understand

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how much the culture
is tilted in his favor.

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There's no way he can understand it
because it's all he's ever known,

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and all he ever will know.

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And conversely,

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there's no way that a woman
can understand the full import of that

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because being a female
is all she's ever known.

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She might have an inkling that she's
working twice as hard for half as much,

95
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but she has no idea

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how much harder it is for her than it is
for the guy in the Brooks Brothers jacket

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in the office across the hall.

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I know! I was that guy!

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And I thought I was one of the good guys,

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sensitive to women,

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egalitarian.

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Then came the first time
I ever flew as a female.

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Now, I've flown over 2.3 million miles
with American Airlines.

104
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I know my way around an airplane.

105
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And American was great
through my transition,

106
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but that does not mean
their passengers were.

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The first time I flew as Paula,
I was going from Denver to Charlotte,

108
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and I got on the plane
and there was stuff in my seat.

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So, I picked it up to put my stuff down,
and a guy said, "That's my stuff."

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I said, "Okay, but it's in my seat.

111
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So, I'll just hold it for you
until you find your seat,

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and then I'll give it to you."

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He said, "Lady, that is my seat!"

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I said, "Actually, it's not.
It's my seat."

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(Laughter)

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"1D, 1D.

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But I'll be glad to hold your stuff
until you find your seat."

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He said, "What do I have
to tell you? That is my seat!"

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I said, "Yeah, it's not."

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(Laughter)

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At which point the guy behind me said,

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"Lady, would you take
your effing argument elsewhere

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so I can get in the airplane?"

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I was absolutely stunned!

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I had never been treated
like that as a male.

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I would have said,
"I believe that's my seat,"

127
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and the guy immediately
would have looked at his boarding pass

128
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and said, "Oh, I'm sorry."

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I know that because
it happened all the time!

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The flight attendant
took our boarding passes.

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She said to the guy,
"Sir, you're in 1C. She's in 1D."

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I put his stuff down in 1C,
he said not one single word,

133
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and of course you know
who was next to me in 1F.

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(Laughter).

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Mister "would you take
your effing argument elsewhere."

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(Laughter)

137
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So, my friend Karen,
who works for American,

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came on the plane
to give the pilot his paperwork.

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She left and waved goodbye.

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When I got to Charlotte, she called me.

141
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She said, "Paula, what happened?

142
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You were as white as a sheet!"

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I told her and she said, "Yeah.

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Welcome to the world of women!"

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(Laughter)

146
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Now, the truth is I will not live
long enough to lose my male privilege.

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I brought it with me when I transitioned.

148
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(Laughter)

149
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A lot of decades of being a man.

150
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But that doesn't mean
I don't see my power diminishing.

151
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Let me tell you
another thing I've observed.

152
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Apparently, since I became a female,
I have become stupid.

153
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(Laughter)

154
00:08:04,152 --> 00:08:09,846
Yeah, I guess it's the loss of
testosterone and the arrival of estrogen

155
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that has caused me to lose the brain cells

156
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necessary to be a fully
functioning adult human.

157
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(Laughter)

158
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Either that or I'm as smart as I ever was,

159
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it's just now I'm constantly
being subjected to mansplaining.

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(Laughter)

161
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(Applause)

162
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So, I was in my local Denver bike shop
and a young summer employee said,

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"Can I help?"

164
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And I said, "Yeah.

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Can the frame of an older
Gary Fisher mountain bike

166
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start to flex and bend enough
that it causes the rear break to rub?"

167
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He said, "Well, disk breaks
need regular adjustments."

168
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I said, "I know that,

169
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and in fact I do
my reg break adjustments."

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He said, "Oh, well,
then your rotor's bent."

171
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I said, "Yeah, my rotor is not bent.
I know a bent rotor."

172
00:09:03,646 --> 00:09:07,535
With condescension, he said,
"Well, what do you want me to do?"

173
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I said, "You could answer my question."

174
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(Laughter)

175
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At which point Kyle, the manager
of the shop, stepped in.

176
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He's such a sweetheart.

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He said, "I think you're probably right.

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Let me ask you a question:

179
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Do you only get a chirp coming
from that rear break

180
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when you're pulling hard uphill?"

181
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I said, "Yes, exactly!"

182
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He said, "Yeah, that's frame fatigue."

183
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I wanted to fall at the feet of Kyle
and call him blessed!

184
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(Laughter)

185
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Someone was taking me seriously!

186
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This happens all the time now.

187
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I have to go three
or four rounds with someone

188
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before I get a direct answer!

189
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And there's a deeper issue:

190
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the more you're treated as if
you don't know what you're talking about,

191
00:09:51,904 --> 00:09:53,363
the more you begin to question

192
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whether or not you do in fact
know what you're talking about, right?

193
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(Applause)

194
00:10:03,043 --> 00:10:07,500
I understand the woman's tendency
to doubt herself.

195
00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,649
Do you ever notice if a woman
is in a meeting with a group of men,

196
00:10:10,649 --> 00:10:12,193
and she knows she's right,

197
00:10:12,193 --> 00:10:14,166
she apologizes for it?

198
00:10:14,454 --> 00:10:17,676
She says, "I'm sorry,
but I don't think those numbers add up."

199
00:10:17,676 --> 00:10:21,274
You know, you don't have
to apologize for being right.

200
00:10:21,274 --> 00:10:24,159
(Cheers) (Applause)

201
00:10:28,593 --> 00:10:32,025
Since I'm new to this gender,
I asked my good friend Jen.

202
00:10:32,025 --> 00:10:35,344
I said, "What are women
looking for in men?"

203
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:40,076
She said, "Women are looking for men
who will honor our uniqueness,

204
00:10:40,076 --> 00:10:43,136
who will realize our gifting
is not lesser, it's not weaker,

205
00:10:43,136 --> 00:10:44,184
it's just different,

206
00:10:44,184 --> 00:10:48,397
it is in fact more comprehensive
and it's essential."

207
00:10:49,185 --> 00:10:52,795
Now, of course there are men
who do honor women, lots of them,

208
00:10:52,795 --> 00:10:55,453
like my good friend
and fellow pastor, Mark,

209
00:10:55,453 --> 00:10:58,613
who always draws out the best in me

210
00:10:58,613 --> 00:11:02,016
and then seems to take pleasure
in watching me lead.

211
00:11:02,016 --> 00:11:03,856
We need more men like Mark,

212
00:11:03,856 --> 00:11:07,954
who are willing to honor
and empower women.

213
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:12,315
I know I'm going to keep bumping into
additional differences on this journey,

214
00:11:12,315 --> 00:11:15,081
but let me leave you with this.

215
00:11:15,081 --> 00:11:18,927
To the women, I offer my heartfelt thanks.

216
00:11:19,313 --> 00:11:22,647
I often feel like an interloper,

217
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:27,133
a late arrival to the serious
work of womanhood,

218
00:11:27,986 --> 00:11:31,543
but you show me grace and great mercy.

219
00:11:32,128 --> 00:11:36,657
I want you to know you are
far more capable than you realize,

220
00:11:36,657 --> 00:11:39,560
you are more powerful than you know

221
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:44,151
and you reflect the best parts
of what it means to be fully human.

222
00:11:45,055 --> 00:11:46,166
And to you guys

223
00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:49,606
who are probably feeling more than
a little bit uncomfortable right now -

224
00:11:49,606 --> 00:11:51,572
(Laughter)

225
00:11:52,375 --> 00:11:54,772
I do understand.

226
00:11:55,324 --> 00:11:57,593
I never thought I had privilege,

227
00:11:58,425 --> 00:11:59,956
but I did.

228
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,566
And so do you.

229
00:12:05,216 --> 00:12:06,743
What can you do?

230
00:12:07,115 --> 00:12:08,957
You can believe us

231
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:12,565
when we tell you that we might,
we might have equality,

232
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,117
but we do not have equity.

233
00:12:15,515 --> 00:12:19,252
It is not a level playing field,
it never has been.

234
00:12:19,709 --> 00:12:23,437
You can be a part of the solution
byt elevating us to equal footing.

235
00:12:23,437 --> 00:12:26,026
You uniquely have that power.

236
00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:29,518
And to all of us,

237
00:12:29,518 --> 00:12:31,677
do you know who I think about a lot?

238
00:12:32,893 --> 00:12:35,915
I think about my brown-skinned daughter,

239
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,847
and my brown-skinned daughter-in-law.

240
00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:41,305
What do they know that I'm clueless about?

241
00:12:41,305 --> 00:12:46,058
What do any of us really know about
the shoes in which we have never walked?

242
00:12:46,656 --> 00:12:50,815
It's hard being a woman,
it's hard being a transgender woman.

243
00:12:50,815 --> 00:12:54,025
As a man, I just didn't know
what I didn't know.

244
00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:56,315
Would I do it all again?

245
00:12:56,315 --> 00:12:58,314
Of course I would,

246
00:12:58,314 --> 00:13:03,357
because the call toward authenticity
is sacred, it's holy,

247
00:13:03,357 --> 00:13:05,822
it's for the greater good.

248
00:13:07,384 --> 00:13:11,429
For 45 years, my father
was a fundamentalist pastor.

249
00:13:12,034 --> 00:13:14,722
My mother is even more conservative -

250
00:13:14,722 --> 00:13:16,739
(Laughter)

251
00:13:17,906 --> 00:13:21,294
When I came out as transgender,
they rejected me.

252
00:13:21,294 --> 00:13:23,680
I thought I would never
speak to them again.

253
00:13:24,394 --> 00:13:27,642
Last January, I took a chance
and called my dad on his birthday,

254
00:13:27,642 --> 00:13:29,217
and he took my call.

255
00:13:29,466 --> 00:13:32,165
We talked for about a half hour,
and about a month later,

256
00:13:32,165 --> 00:13:35,808
I asked if I could come for a visit,
and they said yes.

257
00:13:35,808 --> 00:13:40,316
And last spring, I had a delightfully
redemptive three-hour visit with them.

258
00:13:40,316 --> 00:13:42,465
I've met with them twice since.

259
00:13:42,836 --> 00:13:46,255
But that day, toward the end
of the conversation, that first day,

260
00:13:46,255 --> 00:13:49,279
my father said a number
of precious things.

261
00:13:50,126 --> 00:13:52,146
As I stood to go -

262
00:13:54,218 --> 00:13:55,476
he said -

263
00:13:55,476 --> 00:13:57,798
(Applause)

264
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,176
As I stood to go, he said,

265
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,742
"Paula" -

266
00:14:07,297 --> 00:14:09,307
He called me Paula -

267
00:14:10,457 --> 00:14:13,657
(Applause)

268
00:14:19,715 --> 00:14:23,414
He said, "Paula, I don't understand this,

269
00:14:23,414 --> 00:14:25,878
but I am willing to try."

270
00:14:26,885 --> 00:14:30,979
My father is 93 years old,

271
00:14:31,857 --> 00:14:34,272
and he's willing to try.

272
00:14:35,036 --> 00:14:37,091
What more could I ask?

273
00:14:37,389 --> 00:14:39,910
I hugged him so tightly.

274
00:14:40,776 --> 00:14:47,679
One man willing to give up his power
because he knew what he knew,

275
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:50,756
that he loved his child,

276
00:14:51,247 --> 00:14:54,987
and the was willing to do
whatever it takes

277
00:14:54,987 --> 00:14:58,667
to honor the journey of another.

278
00:14:59,271 --> 00:15:00,557
Thank you.

279
00:15:00,557 --> 00:15:03,242
(Applause) (Cheers)