1
00:00:00,028 --> 00:00:01,210
When your kid tells you that they are

2
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:01,947
transgender,

3
00:00:01,947 --> 00:00:02,905
what do you do?

4
00:00:03,713 --> 00:00:05,746
Forty-one percent of transgender adults

5
00:00:05,746 --> 00:00:07,167
have attempted suicide,

6
00:00:07,167 --> 00:00:09,500
mostly as an adolescent or young adult.

7
00:00:09,581 --> 00:00:11,687
Parental support can dramatically reduce

8
00:00:11,697 --> 00:00:12,687
the risk of suicide

9
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,061
by three and a half times,

10
00:00:14,596 --> 00:00:16,169
but many parents are terrified of doing

11
00:00:16,169 --> 00:00:16,948
the wrong thing.

12
00:00:17,569 --> 00:00:18,824
So what should you do when your child

13
00:00:18,863 --> 00:00:20,667
tells you that they are transgender?

14
00:00:21,235 --> 00:00:22,626
The first thing to realize is that there

15
00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:24,533
is a very good chance the child is right.

16
00:00:24,696 --> 00:00:26,852
In nearly all the studies I am aware of,

17
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,753
no child regretted transitioning.

18
00:00:29,149 --> 00:00:31,318
I've spoken with two nationally recognized

19
00:00:31,318 --> 00:00:33,502
endocrinologists that work with trans kids

20
00:00:33,502 --> 00:00:35,325
and they are aware of only one case of

21
00:00:35,325 --> 00:00:36,995
regret in the thousands they have treated.

22
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,328
Additionally, I have never met a single

23
00:00:39,328 --> 00:00:40,926
person who has transitioned and

24
00:00:40,926 --> 00:00:41,663
regretted it.

25
00:00:41,663 --> 00:00:43,189
I have never a parent of a trans kid

26
00:00:43,189 --> 00:00:44,488
who regretted letting their kid

27
00:00:44,488 --> 00:00:45,499
transition.

28
00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:46,961
I've only ever met parents who regretted

29
00:00:46,961 --> 00:00:48,985
not letting their kid transition sooner.

30
00:00:48,985 --> 00:00:51,647
Regardless of their identity, in the end

31
00:00:51,647 --> 00:00:52,833
you have two choices:

32
00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:55,146
reject or accept their declaration.

33
00:00:55,146 --> 00:00:56,318
If you reject them,

34
00:00:56,318 --> 00:00:57,653
no matter the end result,

35
00:00:57,653 --> 00:00:59,583
you will contribute to their harm

36
00:00:59,583 --> 00:01:01,617
and increase the risk of mental illness.

37
00:01:01,617 --> 00:01:03,328
Studies have shown that regardless of

38
00:01:03,328 --> 00:01:04,606
what happens outside the home,

39
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,379
familial support can literally

40
00:01:06,379 --> 00:01:07,653
save your kid's life!

41
00:01:07,653 --> 00:01:09,536
Familial support reduces suicide

42
00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:10,912
by three and a half times

43
00:01:10,912 --> 00:01:11,657
and substance abuse

44
00:01:11,657 --> 00:01:12,967
by two and a half times.

45
00:01:13,637 --> 00:01:14,653
If you as the parent

46
00:01:14,666 --> 00:01:16,206
reject your child's identity,

47
00:01:16,254 --> 00:01:17,241
you are the largest

48
00:01:17,241 --> 00:01:19,355
and most negatively-impactful bully

49
00:01:19,355 --> 00:01:20,521
in your child's life,

50
00:01:20,921 --> 00:01:23,141
more so than any and potentially ALL of

51
00:01:23,141 --> 00:01:24,316
the bullies at school.

52
00:01:24,316 --> 00:01:26,238
That is, when your child says something

53
00:01:26,238 --> 00:01:27,918
to you about their identity,

54
00:01:27,918 --> 00:01:29,005
and you say no,

55
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,645
you are telling them that

56
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they cannot trust how they feel,

57
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they cannot trust you to listen

58
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and hear them,

59
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and they cannot trust themselves.

60
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That creates an

61
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
invalidating childhood environment,

62
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and invalidating environments are hotbeds

63
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for the formation of many serious

64
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
mental illnesses that can last a lifetime.

65
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you choose to affirm their identity

66
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
no matter the end result,

67
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you are telling your child that

68
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they can trust you,

69
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that they can confide in you,

70
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that they are allowed to trust themselves

71
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and their own feelings,

72
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and that you trust them to learn

73
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and figure themselves out.

74
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is part of how you build

75
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a healthy parent-child relationship.

76
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A reminder:

77
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Up to forty-one percent of trans adults

78
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
have attempted suicide at least once,

79
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
most as kids.

80
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you reject their

81
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
declaration of identity,

82
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you increase this risk of suicide.

83
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you affirm them, you reduce the risks.

84
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And so much so that in one study,

85
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
socially transitioned children

86
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with supportive families

87
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
reported depression rates

88
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
indistinguishable from cisgender youth.

89
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It is also important to keep in mind

90
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that by the time your kid

91
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
brings this to you, the parent,

92
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they have probably spent months

93
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or maybe years

94
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
crying themselves to sleep at night

95
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
wondering if you will still love them.

96
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This declaration to you is not a whim.

97
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is a well thought-through statement,

98
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and in this moment you have

99
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a rare opportunity to show your kid that

100
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they can trust you,

101
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that they can confide in you.

102
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
In the end,

103
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you as the parent have the choice:

104
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you can either increase the risk for harm

105
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and suicide by rejecting them,

106
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or you can dramatically reduce that risk

107
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
by affirming their identity.

108
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It is your choice.

109
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Don't be your child's first bully.