When your kid tells you that they are
transgender, what do you do?
Forty-one percent of transgender adults
have attempted suicide,
mostly as an adolescent or young adult.
Parental support can dramatically reduce
the risk of suicide
by three and a half times,
but many parents are terrified of doing
the wrong thing.
So what should you do when your child
tells you that they are transgender?
The first thing to realize is that there
is a very good chance the child is right.
In nearly all the studies I am aware of,
no child regretted transitioning.
I've spoken with two nationally recognized
endocrinologists that work with trans kids
and they are aware of only one case of
regret in the thousands they have treated.
Additionally, I have never met a single
person who has transitioned and regretted
it.
I have never a parent of a trans kid
who regretted letting their kid
transition.
I've only ever met parents who regretted
not letting their kid transition sooner.
Regardless of their identity, in the end
you have two choices:
reject or accept their declaration.
If you reject them,
no matter the end result,
you will contribute to their harm
and increase the risk of mental illness.
Studies have shown that regardless of
what happens outside the home,
familial support can literally
save your kid's life!
Familial support reduces suicide
by three and a half times
and substance abuse
by two and a half times.
If you as the parent
reject your child's identity,
you are the largest
and most negatively-impactful bully
in your child's life,
more so than any and potentially ALL of
the bullies at school.
That is, when your child say something
to you about their identity,
and you say no,
you are telling them that
they cannot trust how they feel,
they cannot trust you to listen
and hear them,
and they cannot trust themselves.
That creates an
invalidating childhood environment,
and invalidating environments are hotbeds
for the formation of many serious
mental illnesses that can last a lifetime.
If you choose to affirm their identity
no matter the end result,
you are telling your child that
they can trust you,
that they can confide in you,
that they are allowed to trust themselves
and their own feelings,
and that you trust them to learn
and figure themselves out.
This is part of how you build
a healthy parent-child relationship.
A reminder:
Up to forty-one percent of trans adults
have attempted suicide at least once,
most as kids.
If you reject their
declaration of identity,
you increase this risk of suicide.
If you affirm them, you reduce the risks.
And so much so that in one study,
socially transitioned children
with supportive families
reported depression rates
indistinguishable from cisgender youth.
It is also important to keep in mind
that by the time your kid
brings this to you, the parent,
they have probably spent months
or maybe years
crying themselves to sleep at night
wondering if you will still love them.
This declaration to you is not a whim.
This is a well thought-through statement,
and in this moment you have
a rare opportunity to show your kid that
they can trust you,
that they can confide in you.
In the end,
you as the parent have the choice:
you can either increase the risk for harm
and suicide by rejecting them,
or you can dramatically reduce that risk
by affirming their identity.
It is your choice.
Don't be your child's first bully.