WEBVTT

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I asked them to turn up the lights,
so that I could see you as well.

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We are talking
about relationships, after all.

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The most important thing
in a relationship, men,

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is to see your wife.

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You can see who is married,
at a restaurant, or who is dating.

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(Laughter)

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If a man is dating a woman,
he's looking right at her.

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He's got one goal.

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(Laughter)

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Once he's climbed
that mountain, you can relax.

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(Laughter)

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You see, the married men,
they're looking around.

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Quite often, somebody else
catches their attention:

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"I haven't seen her before."

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It doesn't mean he doesn't love her,

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his wife.

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It just means he never saw that before.

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We all do this,
that's why we go on vacations,

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to lovely spots, new places,
getting off the plane here in Bend,

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it was blown away
by the beautiful mountain.

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It's exciting.

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You go somewhere new and different,

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it stimulates a brain chemical
called dopamine,

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and dopamine gives us motivation;

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it gives us pleasure;

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it gives us focus;

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and it gives us happiness
in our relationships, passion.

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When we fall in love with somebody,
it's literally like we are high on drugs.

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Maybe you don't remember,

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if you've been married
for 28 years like I have,

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but I'm reminded of it
with my youngest daughter,

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who is in that first
falling in love stage with her live-in.

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(Laughter)

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They're planning!

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But she is a modern woman,

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she wants to be completely financially
self-sufficient before she gets married.

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That's the new woman;
she wants to be sufficient.

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(Applause)

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Yes, we all want to be self-sufficient,
we all want to be independent,

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and then from a place
of wholeness come together;

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it's a new world.

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I'm going to talk
about that new world today,

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but one of the most important things

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is to understand
this brain chemical, dopamine.

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Because when you haven't
met someone before,

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and you're getting to know them,

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all the ingredients are there
to stimulate dopamine.

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Newness.

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And there's no history,
you're completely -

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where are we going with this?

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What's going to happen?

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And that stimulates this brain chemical,

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and in men, dopamine stimulates
a hormone called testosterone.

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So suddenly, men's
testosterone levels are surging.

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The average man at 50

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has half the testosterone levels
he had as a young man.

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It starts to drop.

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A lot of things contribute to that,
but one of the things is marriage.

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(Laughter)

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You know, I'm 62, but I went
through the 50s with my friends,

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and several of my friends
got divorced, and they came alive!

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I'm not recommending
divorce to come alive,

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(Laughter)

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but I am recommending learning
new relationships skills to come alive

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in your marriage.

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But it's like, suddenly,

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when you're with somebody new,
just going somewhere new,

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it stimulates dopamine,

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and for men, dopamine
stimulates testosterone,

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and for men, testosterone lowers stress.

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Stress - and I don't mean
stress in your life,

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life is always stressful,
problems everywhere.

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But how do we react to life

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is dependent on our
hormone response to life.

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And for men, testosterone is the hormone

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that helps men keep
their stress levels down.

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Most people don't know this,
but I learned this when I started -

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it was like 30 years ago, I was reading -

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20 years ago, maybe 30,
somewhere in there.

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I was about to go see the movie
Grumpy Old Men,

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and I was also reading

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that one of the differences
between young men and old men

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was men's testosterone levels go down.

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And then I made the link: Grumpy Old Men.

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Think about men when they
haven't been laid for a while.

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(Laughter)

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They get grumpy, they're irritable,

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and yet we always thought

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that testosterone
caused all that irritability.

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But actually, for men, it's estrogen.

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(Laughter)

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It's all those grumpy old men

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having super high estrogen levels
and low testosterone.

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Who knew?!

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One of the biggest risk factors
for heart disease, prostate cancer,

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for men is low testosterone.

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All men with depression
have low testosterone.

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That's why depression is very different
for a man than for a woman.

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Depression for a man is that feeling:

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"Nobody wants me;
I am not needed anymore.

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Basically, I'm out of work."

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"Nobody there to respond to me.

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Nobody there for me
to fix, help, serve, support."

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So, being out of work 
is the major depression for men,

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or being in a marriage


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where you feel you can't do anything
to make your partner happy.

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I get to see, as a marriage counselor
for over 30 years,

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people often on their last exit,

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because I'm famous, people say,
"Oh yeah, you go see him,"

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so I get the tough cases.

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(Laughter)

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But it's a challenge.

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And what I hear again and again,
from men, I take the men aside,

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"What is the problem here?
What's going on here?

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If we can fix one problem
what would that be?"

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"John, the only problem here
is my wife's not happy."

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That's it.

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I do these seminars, workshops,
at my ranch, for four days,

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and we start out with men in one room,
women in the other.

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Without my influence, I have the men
write down their complaints

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about their wives, relationships, 
women, in one room.

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Women do it in another room,

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and then we spend the whole
four days working on that.

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And men have one sheet,
and women have five.

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(Laughter)

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And men's list is one or two words:
critical, complaints, nags, punishes,

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not interested in sex -
that's the longest one they come up with.

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(Laughter)

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There's that list over there.

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And women got all these lists,
so it gets a big long list:

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everything is a long sentence,
and if this, then that, all that stuff.

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(Laughter)

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And men go, "See?"

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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I got a few claps for that,
which I'm not asking for,

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but that's what excites men.

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I made a difference.

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That's why men love their dogs so much.

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(Laughter)

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When I come home,
my dog is happy I'm alive!

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(Laughter)

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It touches something
so deep inside of every man.

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Through the whole evolution of man,

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men were out there in the dangerous world,

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if you came home alive, they celebrated.

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(Laughter)

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Now it's, "Oh, he's back."

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(Laughter)

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You left the lights on the living room
last night before you left.

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(Laughter)

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That's what I get!

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So men go, "She was just happy -"

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What is a man thinking,

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"If she was just the way she was
when I married her."

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When men get married, they want you
to stay the same - as if you can.

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I realize that women
will never be the same,

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they're like the weather.

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(Laughter)

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It's always changing:

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it's sunshine, blue sky, puffy clouds,

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rain storms,

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lightning strikes,

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hurricanes,

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(Laughter)

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tornadoes.

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If you're from Mars,
you have these instincts

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that do the worst thing
when you're with a Venusian.

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On Mars, when there are
tornadoes, what do we do?

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We find a ditch and lie low.

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(Laughter)

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It's not what women expect you to do.

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When that tornado comes in,
you're supposed to, like, stand there.

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(Laughter)

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"Is something the matter?"

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(Laughter)

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If you read any of my books,
you know what you have to say

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when every cell in your body says,
"I can't take it anymore.

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I've got to find a ditch and lie low.
Let me get my car and drive somewhere."

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Instead, you stand there
and just keep looking.

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And when there's a break you say, "Huh.

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(Laughter)

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Tell me more."

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(Laughter)

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She feels like: I'm married to Superman.

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(Laughter)

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Afterwards that you could do that,
and I teach people how to do that -

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you have to at least know
what you're trying to do, here.

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Because married men say,

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"No matter what I say or do,
it makes it worse."

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And I say, "That's because
what you say and do is wrong.

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(Laughter)

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It just doesn't work!

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You've just told me
it doesn't work. It doesn't work."

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But what does work?

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Nothing.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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Nothing!

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You cannot make a woman happy!

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(Laughter)

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You cannot change the weather.

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It changes by itself.

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Women are grown ups,

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they can feel better,
they can get happier,

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they know how to do it.

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Just their way of doing it
is different from ours.

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All I have to do when
I'm stressed out is sit down.

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(Laughter)

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Men have a switch back here,

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as soon as you sit down,

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(Laughter)

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blood flow stops to your brain.

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(Laughter)

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They did some experiments on that.

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They have women at the end of the day
sit down, have men sit down,

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and they measure the brain activity.

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Women sit down, their brains speed up,

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(Laughter)

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more blood flow.

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And you say, "What are you thinking?"

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And she says - which any woman
in this room can predict -

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"Well, while sitting on this couch,

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I'm thinking of all the things
I should be doing that I'm not doing

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while I'm doing this silly experiment."

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(Laughter)

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Then they do the man,
and the man is sitting there,

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and you look at the scans:
nothing's happening!

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(Laughter)

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Is it broken?

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(Laughter)

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What is this?

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And she is like,"Whoa!"

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So you ask him, "What are you thinking?"

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And you all know the answer
to that question if you've been married.

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He says, "Nothing!"

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(Laughter)

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And now he's got evidence, "See, honey.
I'm not withholding from you."

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(Laughter)

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"I don't have big secrets.
I'm not hiding my problems from you.

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I'm trying to forget them.

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(Laughter)

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Why do we have to talk about them?"

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Because one of the primary ways
that men cope with stress -

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and remember, what's the hormone
that lower stress for men?

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Testosterone.

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So the hormone that lowers stress
for men is testosterone.

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If I've got all these problems in my life,
and I'm solving them,

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I'm releasing testosterone,

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and it's keeping my stress levels down.

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At the end of the day,
I still have all these unmet problems,

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all these problems I haven't solved.

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So now, I'm not solving problems,
my stress level goes up!

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I can't do anything about it, I'm home,

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I can't do anything about it,
so stress goes up.

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So how have men adapted
to deal with problems

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you can't do anything about
once you're sitting?

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Forget it!

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(Laughter)

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We can turn our brains off.

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We have an off switch. Women don't.

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They cannot forget anything.

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(Laughter)

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Here is a simple test
in gender intelligence:

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who has a better, bigger memory?

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Women or men?

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Women.

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This is proven!

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The hippocampus in a woman's brain
is twice as big as in a man's brain.

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The second story is like a library
recording everything on the first floor.

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On the second floor,


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she records every mistake
you've ever made.

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(Laughter)

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And something she can't do
much about is when she is stressed,

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when she is stressed,
blood flow goes to that second floor.

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(Laughter)

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There's an elevator, she goes up,

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she forgets every good thing
you've ever done

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and remembers
every mistake you made.

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How does she get off that floor?

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She's got to lower her stress;
she cannot forget it.

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So what does she do?
What's a woman's reaction?

00:12:53.211 --> 00:12:54.456
Just measure the brain.

00:12:54.456 --> 00:12:56.507
There're wonderful brain studies now.

00:12:56.937 --> 00:12:59.565
Under moderate stress, women's brains

00:12:59.565 --> 00:13:03.642
have eight times more blood flow
to the emotional part of the brain,

00:13:03.642 --> 00:13:05.667
which then goes to the hippocampus.

00:13:05.667 --> 00:13:07.837
She's bombarded with memories!

00:13:08.527 --> 00:13:10.858
For a man, he forgets everything.

00:13:12.638 --> 00:13:15.767
I'm not saying that women
are more emotional than men,

00:13:15.767 --> 00:13:22.268
I'm saying that under moderate stress,
women have a stronger emotional reaction.

00:13:22.938 --> 00:13:27.990
Under big stress, men have
a stronger emotional reaction.

00:13:27.990 --> 00:13:30.099
What's big stress for men?

00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:33.878
A problem you
can't solve and can't forget.

00:13:34.538 --> 00:13:35.992
That's the big stress for men:

00:13:35.992 --> 00:13:38.769
a problem you can't solve,
and you can't forget.

00:13:39.169 --> 00:13:41.479
No matter how many
football games you're watching

00:13:41.479 --> 00:13:43.361
no matter how much
news you're watching,

00:13:43.361 --> 00:13:45.751
how much pressing weights
in the gym you are doing,

00:13:45.751 --> 00:13:47.181
you can't forget that problem.

00:13:47.181 --> 00:13:49.552
So now your stress levels are shooting up.

00:13:50.032 --> 00:13:52.489
So, for men, that's a big problem!

00:13:52.489 --> 00:13:55.490
So, historically, evolutionary wise,

00:13:55.490 --> 00:13:58.950
that's lions, tigers, bears.

00:14:00.040 --> 00:14:01.430
Oh, my!

00:14:01.970 --> 00:14:05.633
Lions, tigers, bears -
men have a big reaction!

00:14:06.193 --> 00:14:08.411
And by the way, biologically,
what's happening?

00:14:08.411 --> 00:14:10.012
As soon as a man feels powerless,

00:14:10.012 --> 00:14:14.502
his testosterone converts to estrogen
and floods his brain with fear and anger.

00:14:15.660 --> 00:14:18.024
It's when men go to their female hormones,

00:14:18.024 --> 00:14:20.473
they lose control
of their masculine hormones,

00:14:20.473 --> 00:14:22.153
their testosterone levels drop.

00:14:22.153 --> 00:14:24.580
Literally, testosterone
converts into estrogen

00:14:24.580 --> 00:14:26.702
through an enzyme called aromatase.

00:14:27.872 --> 00:14:30.322
I'm a man, testosterone driven.

00:14:30.322 --> 00:14:32.363
Every man has to have

00:14:32.363 --> 00:14:35.192
30 times more testosterone
than your average woman

00:14:35.192 --> 00:14:37.312
to get up on stage to do anything.

00:14:39.202 --> 00:14:40.593
Without that, he's like:

00:14:40.593 --> 00:14:42.265
"Ugh, I don't want to work anymore.

00:14:42.265 --> 00:14:45.183
I just want to go play,
watch TV, and do nothing."

00:14:45.813 --> 00:14:47.463
Every loser I have ever counseled,

00:14:47.463 --> 00:14:50.064
I said, "Why did you do that?" 
"I felt like it."

00:14:50.984 --> 00:14:54.063
"Why don't you get up and do this?"
"I don't feel like it."

00:14:54.833 --> 00:14:59.193
What we do want - feelings,
it's a wonderful evolutionary lift.

00:15:00.405 --> 00:15:04.245
Men have to always reason first
and then check it out with their feelings.

00:15:04.718 --> 00:15:05.736
Why do I say that?

00:15:05.736 --> 00:15:08.064
Because I counsel losers a lot.

00:15:09.114 --> 00:15:12.595
They follow their feelings
instead of saying, "Does that make sense?"

00:15:12.595 --> 00:15:13.706
"I don't care."

00:15:14.406 --> 00:15:17.005
A man has to start with caring,
about what makes sense,

00:15:17.005 --> 00:15:18.966
and then check it out with your feelings.

00:15:18.966 --> 00:15:21.284
Women have to check out
what is my feeling first,

00:15:21.284 --> 00:15:23.718
which will access your intuition,

00:15:23.718 --> 00:15:25.246
and then what makes sense.

00:15:25.546 --> 00:15:27.092
We're complements to each other,

00:15:27.092 --> 00:15:29.296
and we see the wiring
in the brain is the same.

00:15:29.296 --> 00:15:32.269
The intuitive center over here,
the emotional center over here,

00:15:32.269 --> 00:15:35.037
called the right anterior
parietal lobe in a woman,

00:15:35.427 --> 00:15:38.277
which has to do with
personal relationships,

00:15:39.017 --> 00:15:41.497
has to do with:
"What are you eating today?"

00:15:42.197 --> 00:15:44.197
"What should we have for food today?"

00:15:44.807 --> 00:15:46.428
"What should I wear?"

00:15:46.428 --> 00:15:48.076
"Look, what she's wearing."

00:15:48.636 --> 00:15:50.398
"What do our children need?"

00:15:50.398 --> 00:15:51.788
"What do the people need?"

00:15:51.788 --> 00:15:53.518
"What does the earth need?"

00:15:54.958 --> 00:15:56.919
"What does our family need?"

00:15:57.499 --> 00:15:59.517
"How can I improve this relationship?"

00:15:59.517 --> 00:16:01.958
That's all relational activities.

00:16:03.088 --> 00:16:04.538
I discovered that on vacation

00:16:04.538 --> 00:16:07.238
with my three daughters
and my wife in Hawaii.

00:16:08.018 --> 00:16:10.028
As we're sitting around
with nothing to do,

00:16:10.028 --> 00:16:11.659
I listened to their conversations.

00:16:11.659 --> 00:16:13.579
(Laughter)

00:16:14.449 --> 00:16:15.879
"What we are going to eat?"

00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:17.070
"What we going to wear?"

00:16:17.070 --> 00:16:18.839
"What did you wear, can I wear that?"

00:16:18.839 --> 00:16:20.838
Nothing there limited that at all,

00:16:20.838 --> 00:16:22.179
but when they are relaxing -

00:16:22.179 --> 00:16:25.008
See? That's what I'm talking about:
this is how women relax.

00:16:25.008 --> 00:16:29.339
They go to the right part of the brain,
that stimulates estrogen;

00:16:29.659 --> 00:16:34.089
it also stimulates a magic hormone
that most people are not aware of

00:16:34.089 --> 00:16:36.541
called oxytocin.

00:16:37.311 --> 00:16:41.340
Oxytocin is the hormone
that lowers stress in women.

00:16:42.160 --> 00:16:44.351
This was an amazing discovery!

00:16:44.351 --> 00:16:48.191
Was it 12 years ago,
they start finding this out?

00:16:48.841 --> 00:16:51.461
Just to brag a moment,
because I am from Mars,

00:16:51.461 --> 00:16:53.601
I was talking about 30 years ago.

00:16:53.601 --> 00:16:55.629
I discovered it when I read an article

00:16:55.629 --> 00:16:58.591
about oxytocin that women
produce when they see babies.

00:16:58.591 --> 00:17:01.112
Back in the day, we were
learning about being there,

00:17:01.112 --> 00:17:02.862
bonding with your children at birth,

00:17:02.862 --> 00:17:05.554
huge amount of oxytocin 
comes out, and you bond.

00:17:06.564 --> 00:17:10.382
Well, then I went to this mall,
just watching women, watching men,

00:17:10.382 --> 00:17:12.962
I used to sit there and just watch:
there was a chair.

00:17:12.962 --> 00:17:14.382
(Laughter)

00:17:14.852 --> 00:17:16.304
And in those days,

00:17:16.304 --> 00:17:19.394
when women had a lot more oxytocin
than they have now,

00:17:20.544 --> 00:17:25.318
in those days, a woman
carrying a baby along like this,

00:17:25.318 --> 00:17:28.298
women would gather, "Oh!"

00:17:28.758 --> 00:17:32.510
The same response that my wife would make
when I brought her a rose,

00:17:33.230 --> 00:17:34.820
and when I put my arm around her,

00:17:34.820 --> 00:17:36.844
and when we saw
something sweet in a movie,

00:17:36.844 --> 00:17:39.583
and I realized, "Ah, this is
what makes women smile."

00:17:39.583 --> 00:17:44.004
Now we have the science behind it:
oxytocin lowers stress for women.

00:17:44.004 --> 00:17:47.694
Then we found out oxytocin allows women
to have climax in the bedroom.

00:17:48.814 --> 00:17:50.266
That perks up men's ears.

00:17:50.266 --> 00:17:51.345
(Laughter)

00:17:51.345 --> 00:17:54.850
There is an oxytocin pill,
synthetic oxytocin.

00:17:54.850 --> 00:17:57.245
You can give it to her,
she'll be really turned on,

00:17:57.245 --> 00:17:59.816
and it's been proven,
next day she shoots you.

00:17:59.816 --> 00:18:02.808
(Laughter) (Applause)

00:18:05.068 --> 00:18:08.296
Because the drugs take you up,
but then bring you down.

00:18:08.296 --> 00:18:10.116
(Laughter)

00:18:15.686 --> 00:18:17.540
So, by understanding
these two dynamics,

00:18:17.540 --> 00:18:20.506
we're living in a world today
where there's lots of stress.

00:18:20.866 --> 00:18:22.017
What we want to do is

00:18:22.017 --> 00:18:24.728
have equality, mutual respect,
mutual appreciation,

00:18:24.728 --> 00:18:26.417
but we are facing a new challenge.

00:18:26.417 --> 00:18:29.382
As women are more in the workplace,
feeling more independent,

00:18:29.722 --> 00:18:31.116
testosterone gets produced.

00:18:31.116 --> 00:18:33.837
There's nothing wrong
with testosterone in a woman's body,

00:18:33.837 --> 00:18:35.218
some are just born with more,

00:18:35.218 --> 00:18:38.357
they'll say, "What're you talking about?
I don't care what I wear."

00:18:38.357 --> 00:18:43.777
But most women, 90% of women,
have this low testosterone, high estrogen,

00:18:43.788 --> 00:18:48.539
and oxytocin is the hormone in all women
that lowers cortisol for them -

00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:50.767
cortisol, the stress hormone.

00:18:51.147 --> 00:18:54.379
Well, if you give a man
an injection oxytocin, he goes to sleep.

00:18:54.379 --> 00:18:55.719
(Laughter)

00:18:55.719 --> 00:18:57.433
Because after climax as well ...

00:18:57.433 --> 00:18:58.687
(Laughter)

00:18:58.687 --> 00:19:01.430
After he has climaxed,
that's a release of oxytocin,

00:19:01.430 --> 00:19:02.550
what does he do?

00:19:02.550 --> 00:19:04.400
He goes right to sleep.

00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:07.438
So the bottom line is
anything that's oxytocin producing,

00:19:07.438 --> 00:19:11.040
after you've done it three or four times,
kind of puts a man to sleep.

00:19:11.040 --> 00:19:13.011
Which puts a real damper on relationships

00:19:13.011 --> 00:19:17.000
unless men figure out that if I do
oxytocin things for my wife,

00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:20.519
I'm not just doing
oxytocin producing things for her,

00:19:20.519 --> 00:19:22.458
I'm solving a problem.

00:19:22.918 --> 00:19:26.151
And when I solve a problem,
testosterone levels go up.

00:19:26.851 --> 00:19:28.682
So when my wife is talking,

00:19:28.682 --> 00:19:31.010
I'm in the storm, I say, "Tell me more,"

00:19:31.010 --> 00:19:34.271
my testosterone stays up
because I know how to make it work,

00:19:34.881 --> 00:19:38.471
and I know what I am doing
is helping her create more oxytocin.

00:19:38.471 --> 00:19:41.182
Planning dates, 
bringing flowers, giving cards,

00:19:41.182 --> 00:19:42.862
all the symbols of Valentine's Day,


00:19:42.862 --> 00:19:45.431
you do regularly,
on a little score, just a little bit.

00:19:45.431 --> 00:19:48.323
She's always looking ahead
to a special time

00:19:48.323 --> 00:19:53.253
that causes her oxytocin levels
to rise up to lower her stress,

00:19:53.253 --> 00:19:55.902
so that her stress levels don't shoot up.

00:19:55.902 --> 00:19:58.384
Because right now,
women's stress levels, by studies,

00:19:58.384 --> 00:20:03.273
are on average twice as high as men's
and four times higher at home.

00:20:03.893 --> 00:20:05.023
It's shocking.

00:20:05.023 --> 00:20:06.023
And what we can do


00:20:06.023 --> 00:20:10.434
is realize our relationships can help us
to lower the stress level in women

00:20:10.434 --> 00:20:16.344
by learning new skills
to create oxytocin in her,

00:20:16.344 --> 00:20:19.753
better communication does it,
see her, hear her,

00:20:20.593 --> 00:20:23.814
notice when she gets her hair cut -
those little things.

00:20:24.554 --> 00:20:25.754
I'm going to finish here.

00:20:25.754 --> 00:20:29.964
The little things are so important.
Men's testosterone is so important.

00:20:30.394 --> 00:20:32.544
I've never given
such a short talk in my life.

00:20:32.544 --> 00:20:33.556
(Laughter)

00:20:33.556 --> 00:20:36.216
But I'll finish with three
simple easy takeaways -

00:20:36.216 --> 00:20:38.125
I didn't do my slideshow -

00:20:38.125 --> 00:20:40.904
(Laughter)

00:20:42.294 --> 00:20:46.056
It was going to be:
"Staying focused in a hyper world,"

00:20:46.056 --> 00:20:47.086
but -

00:20:47.086 --> 00:20:49.225
(Laughter)

00:20:49.225 --> 00:20:52.265
(Applause) (Cheers)

00:20:56.216 --> 00:20:59.134
But as soon as somebody laughed
it brought out the best of me,

00:20:59.134 --> 00:21:01.586
so you got the best of me,
and you've been the best,

00:21:01.586 --> 00:21:04.467
and I want you to give you
three thoughts to go with - wait.

00:21:04.467 --> 00:21:07.417
For men, there's something:
man need formulas, we need systems.

00:21:07.417 --> 00:21:09.129
The left brain, by the way, for men,

00:21:09.129 --> 00:21:11.668
left anterior parietal lobe
is twice as big for women.

00:21:11.668 --> 00:21:13.997
That's solving problems,
fixing the toaster,

00:21:13.997 --> 00:21:15.967
arranging the computer, technical things;

00:21:15.967 --> 00:21:18.928
when you're fixing things,
that stimulates testosterone,

00:21:18.928 --> 00:21:20.948
solving problems, nurturing things.

00:21:20.948 --> 00:21:24.379
We have a combination
of men and female in all of us,

00:21:24.379 --> 00:21:27.558
but here is how you nurture
the female hormones, the male hormones.

00:21:27.558 --> 00:21:29.548
A secret most men don't know.

00:21:30.438 --> 00:21:32.087
You can bring her two dozen roses,

00:21:32.087 --> 00:21:34.476
and a man's brain,
he calculates in the left brain:

00:21:34.476 --> 00:21:37.038
"That's 24 roses,
that should be 24 points."

00:21:37.038 --> 00:21:39.649
(Laughter)

00:21:39.649 --> 00:21:42.789
If roses cause oxytocin
that should be a huge surge.

00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:45.399
It's one point of oxytocin.

00:21:46.109 --> 00:21:47.280
So you have to know.

00:21:47.280 --> 00:21:50.000
If you bring one rose, guess what happens?

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:52.039
One point of oxytocin.

00:21:52.039 --> 00:21:54.068
Six roses, guess what you get?

00:21:54.068 --> 00:21:56.150
One point of oxytocin.

00:21:56.150 --> 00:21:58.820
Hundred roses?
Maybe two points of oxytocin.

00:21:58.820 --> 00:22:00.001
(Laughter)

00:22:00.001 --> 00:22:02.530
Little things make
a big difference for women.

00:22:02.530 --> 00:22:04.794
So it's not the big stuff;
the big stuff's fine.

00:22:05.224 --> 00:22:07.390
You go to work,
you do better and better work,

00:22:07.390 --> 00:22:09.894
you think, "Okay, I never
have to bring roses again!"

00:22:09.894 --> 00:22:13.121
You go to work, you get one point;
you come home, you get one point.

00:22:13.121 --> 00:22:16.221
You're married, one point for that.
That's it, three points a day.

00:22:16.221 --> 00:22:18.101
(Laughter)

00:22:18.301 --> 00:22:21.861
And she is doing the same thing,
so the score is even when you get home.

00:22:21.861 --> 00:22:24.434
She's made you dinner
and there's candle light burning,

00:22:24.434 --> 00:22:26.101
"My God, you are in a big trouble!"

00:22:26.101 --> 00:22:29.191
Because she gets herself a point
for matching napkins with plates.

00:22:29.191 --> 00:22:31.811
(Laughter) (Applause)

00:22:31.811 --> 00:22:36.022
If she says, "I made your favorite meal,"
you are in a big trouble!

00:22:36.022 --> 00:22:39.253
Because she gets herself all these points
for knowing what you like,

00:22:39.253 --> 00:22:42.043
going to the store
and buying what you like,

00:22:42.043 --> 00:22:44.073
all of those selfless sacrifices.

00:22:44.073 --> 00:22:47.733
She's given herself points,
and she looks at you - 33 to three.

00:22:47.733 --> 00:22:50.883
(Laughter)

00:22:50.883 --> 00:22:53.262
She's going, "Who is this guy?!"

00:22:53.262 --> 00:22:54.367
"He's a zero!"

00:22:54.367 --> 00:22:57.364
33 minus three is 30 to zero. So -

00:22:57.364 --> 00:22:59.644
(Laughter)

00:22:59.644 --> 00:23:02.624
So do lots of little things:
hugs four times a day,

00:23:02.624 --> 00:23:05.865
affection, compliments,
try to notice things, plan dates -

00:23:05.865 --> 00:23:07.802
these are all big oxytocin producers.

00:23:07.802 --> 00:23:09.774
I've written 17 books on this subject.

00:23:09.774 --> 00:23:11.543
Now, for men,

00:23:11.543 --> 00:23:14.274
what can you do to keep
his testosterone levels up, women?

00:23:14.274 --> 00:23:17.174
You want that man alive, dynamic!

00:23:17.174 --> 00:23:18.526
Here're three little things,

00:23:18.526 --> 00:23:22.464
remember the little things, but they
sometimes have a big effect on men, too.

00:23:22.464 --> 00:23:26.713
When he is talking, he pauses -
find authenticity inside -

00:23:26.713 --> 00:23:29.096
here're three phrases to use every day,

00:23:29.096 --> 00:23:32.186
and you'll watch him,
his chest pop up, like "Yes."

00:23:32.186 --> 00:23:34.036
(Laughter)

00:23:34.036 --> 00:23:37.026
You say to him as he pauses,
"That makes sense."

00:23:37.026 --> 00:23:38.978
(Laughter) (Applause)

00:23:38.978 --> 00:23:40.256
You know?

00:23:40.256 --> 00:23:42.966
He's walking around like ...

00:23:42.966 --> 00:23:44.307
(Applause)

00:23:44.307 --> 00:23:47.016
And in his mind,
he is thinking, "Why did I say?"

00:23:47.016 --> 00:23:49.867
(Laughter)

00:23:49.867 --> 00:23:52.547
The next phrase: "Good idea!"

00:23:52.547 --> 00:23:54.307
(Laughter)

00:23:54.307 --> 00:23:56.177
I think I'm ready for my next TED Talk!

00:23:56.177 --> 00:24:00.256
He's going, "Good idea,
worth sharing it with others, right?"

00:24:00.256 --> 00:24:03.938
And then the magic phrase that every man
craves to hear, once he gets married.

00:24:03.938 --> 00:24:06.166
Oh my gosh, it's such a deficit for us.

00:24:06.166 --> 00:24:09.946
Whenever you can say it, say it, women,
you don't realize how important it is.

00:24:09.946 --> 00:24:13.187
Just with a big smile on your face,
say, "You are right!"

00:24:13.187 --> 00:24:14.728
(Laughter)

00:24:14.728 --> 00:24:16.231
Thank you all so very much.

00:24:16.231 --> 00:24:18.513
I hope this is an idea worth sharing.

00:24:18.513 --> 00:24:19.629
Thank you.

00:24:19.629 --> 00:24:21.010
Thank you very much.

00:24:21.010 --> 00:24:25.120
(Cheers) (Applause)