1
00:00:16,773 --> 00:00:20,182
I asked them to turn up the lights,
so that I could see you as well.

2
00:00:20,182 --> 00:00:22,853
We are talking
about relationships, after all.

3
00:00:23,783 --> 00:00:26,022
The most important thing
in a relationship, men,

4
00:00:26,022 --> 00:00:27,664
is to see your wife.

5
00:00:28,154 --> 00:00:33,354
You can see who is married,
at a restaurant, or who is dating.

6
00:00:33,354 --> 00:00:35,194
(Laughter)

7
00:00:35,194 --> 00:00:37,744
If a man is dating a woman,
he's looking right at her.

8
00:00:38,604 --> 00:00:39,975
He's got one goal.

9
00:00:39,975 --> 00:00:41,794
(Laughter)

10
00:00:43,324 --> 00:00:46,074
Once he's climbed
that mountain, you can relax.

11
00:00:46,074 --> 00:00:47,163
(Laughter)

12
00:00:47,163 --> 00:00:49,445
You see, the married men,
they're looking around.

13
00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:52,403
Quite often, somebody else
catches their attention:

14
00:00:52,683 --> 00:00:54,355
"I haven't seen her before."

15
00:00:55,195 --> 00:00:57,345
It doesn't mean he doesn't love her,

16
00:00:57,345 --> 00:00:58,376
his wife.

17
00:00:58,376 --> 00:01:00,755
It just means he never saw that before.

18
00:01:01,325 --> 00:01:03,475
We all do this,
that's why we go on vacations,

19
00:01:03,475 --> 00:01:06,916
to lovely spots, new places,
getting off the plane here in Bend,

20
00:01:06,916 --> 00:01:09,177
it was blown away
by the beautiful mountain.

21
00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:10,475
It's exciting.

22
00:01:10,765 --> 00:01:12,638
You go somewhere new and different,

23
00:01:12,898 --> 00:01:15,776
it stimulates a brain chemical
called dopamine,

24
00:01:16,106 --> 00:01:18,559
and dopamine gives us motivation;

25
00:01:19,109 --> 00:01:20,649
it gives us pleasure;

26
00:01:21,059 --> 00:01:22,759
it gives us focus;

27
00:01:24,379 --> 00:01:29,896
and it gives us happiness
in our relationships, passion.

28
00:01:30,976 --> 00:01:36,457
When we fall in love with somebody,
it's literally like we are high on drugs.

29
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:38,656
Maybe you don't remember,

30
00:01:38,656 --> 00:01:40,937
if you've been married
for 28 years like I have,

31
00:01:41,547 --> 00:01:43,848
but I'm reminded of it
with my youngest daughter,

32
00:01:43,848 --> 00:01:47,638
who is in that first
falling in love stage with her live-in.

33
00:01:48,449 --> 00:01:50,048
(Laughter)

34
00:01:50,048 --> 00:01:51,318
They're planning!

35
00:01:51,318 --> 00:01:52,868
But she is a modern woman,

36
00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:56,729
she wants to be completely financially
self-sufficient before she gets married.

37
00:01:57,059 --> 00:02:00,319
That's the new woman;
she wants to be sufficient.

38
00:02:00,319 --> 00:02:01,540
(Applause)

39
00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:05,169
Yes, we all want to be self-sufficient,
we all want to be independent,

40
00:02:05,169 --> 00:02:07,469
and then from a place
of wholeness come together;

41
00:02:07,469 --> 00:02:08,479
it's a new world.

42
00:02:08,479 --> 00:02:10,890
I'm going to talk
about that new world today,

43
00:02:10,890 --> 00:02:12,609
but one of the most important things

44
00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:15,150
is to understand
this brain chemical, dopamine.

45
00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:17,510
Because when you haven't
met someone before,

46
00:02:17,510 --> 00:02:19,049
and you're getting to know them,

47
00:02:19,049 --> 00:02:22,062
all the ingredients are there
to stimulate dopamine.

48
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:24,022
Newness.

49
00:02:24,422 --> 00:02:26,512
And there's no history,
you're completely -

50
00:02:26,512 --> 00:02:27,901
where are we going with this?

51
00:02:27,901 --> 00:02:29,361
What's going to happen?

52
00:02:29,361 --> 00:02:31,270
And that stimulates this brain chemical,

53
00:02:31,270 --> 00:02:35,292
and in men, dopamine stimulates
a hormone called testosterone.

54
00:02:36,412 --> 00:02:39,222
So suddenly, men's
testosterone levels are surging.

55
00:02:39,802 --> 00:02:41,382
The average man at 50

56
00:02:41,382 --> 00:02:45,252
has half the testosterone levels
he had as a young man.

57
00:02:46,042 --> 00:02:47,301
It starts to drop.

58
00:02:47,691 --> 00:02:51,848
A lot of things contribute to that,
but one of the things is marriage.

59
00:02:51,848 --> 00:02:53,573
(Laughter)

60
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:59,873
You know, I'm 62, but I went
through the 50s with my friends,

61
00:02:59,873 --> 00:03:02,862
and several of my friends
got divorced, and they came alive!

62
00:03:02,862 --> 00:03:05,529
I'm not recommending
divorce to come alive,

63
00:03:05,529 --> 00:03:06,974
(Laughter)

64
00:03:06,974 --> 00:03:10,256
but I am recommending learning
new relationships skills to come alive

65
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:11,573
in your marriage.

66
00:03:12,093 --> 00:03:14,323
But it's like, suddenly,

67
00:03:14,323 --> 00:03:17,132
when you're with somebody new,
just going somewhere new,

68
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it stimulates dopamine,

69
00:03:18,442 --> 00:03:21,443
and for men, dopamine
stimulates testosterone,

70
00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:24,334
and for men, testosterone lowers stress.

71
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:27,095
Stress - and I don't mean
stress in your life,

72
00:03:27,095 --> 00:03:29,375
life is always stressful,
problems everywhere.

73
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,686
But how do we react to life

74
00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:33,424
is dependent on our
hormone response to life.

75
00:03:34,264 --> 00:03:36,547
And for men, testosterone is the hormone

76
00:03:36,547 --> 00:03:39,195
that helps men keep
their stress levels down.

77
00:03:40,235 --> 00:03:43,465
Most people don't know this,
but I learned this when I started -

78
00:03:43,465 --> 00:03:45,765
it was like 30 years ago, I was reading -

79
00:03:46,415 --> 00:03:48,745
20 years ago, maybe 30,
somewhere in there.

80
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:54,557
I was about to go see the movie
Grumpy Old Men,

81
00:03:55,307 --> 00:03:56,376
and I was also reading

82
00:03:56,376 --> 00:03:59,444
that one of the differences
between young men and old men

83
00:03:59,444 --> 00:04:01,966
was men's testosterone levels go down.

84
00:04:02,466 --> 00:04:04,417
And then I made the link: Grumpy Old Men.

85
00:04:04,417 --> 00:04:07,037
Think about men when they
haven't been laid for a while.

86
00:04:07,037 --> 00:04:08,037
(Laughter)

87
00:04:08,037 --> 00:04:10,908
They get grumpy, they're irritable,

88
00:04:10,908 --> 00:04:12,267
and yet we always thought

89
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:15,567
that testosterone
caused all that irritability.

90
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,328
But actually, for men, it's estrogen.

91
00:04:18,808 --> 00:04:21,507
(Laughter)

92
00:04:22,847 --> 00:04:24,229
It's all those grumpy old men

93
00:04:24,229 --> 00:04:26,808
having super high estrogen levels
and low testosterone.

94
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,158
Who knew?!

95
00:04:29,008 --> 00:04:32,528
One of the biggest risk factors
for heart disease, prostate cancer,

96
00:04:32,528 --> 00:04:34,509
for men is low testosterone.

97
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:38,889
All men with depression
have low testosterone.

98
00:04:39,749 --> 00:04:43,241
That's why depression is very different
for a man than for a woman.

99
00:04:43,871 --> 00:04:46,251
Depression for a man is that feeling:

100
00:04:47,011 --> 00:04:49,701
"Nobody wants me;
I am not needed anymore.

101
00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:51,541
Basically, I'm out of work."

102
00:04:52,051 --> 00:04:53,532
"Nobody there to respond to me.

103
00:04:53,532 --> 00:04:57,082
Nobody there for me
to fix, help, serve, support."

104
00:04:57,703 --> 00:05:00,462
So, being out of work 
is the major depression for men,

105
00:05:00,462 --> 00:05:01,522
or being in a marriage


106
00:05:01,522 --> 00:05:04,762
where you feel you can't do anything
to make your partner happy.

107
00:05:05,312 --> 00:05:09,063
I get to see, as a marriage counselor
for over 30 years,

108
00:05:09,623 --> 00:05:11,863
people often on their last exit,

109
00:05:11,863 --> 00:05:14,623
because I'm famous, people say,
"Oh yeah, you go see him,"

110
00:05:14,623 --> 00:05:15,884
so I get the tough cases.

111
00:05:15,884 --> 00:05:17,623
(Laughter)

112
00:05:17,773 --> 00:05:19,283
But it's a challenge.

113
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:24,214
And what I hear again and again,
from men, I take the men aside,

114
00:05:24,214 --> 00:05:28,084
"What is the problem here?
What's going on here?

115
00:05:28,084 --> 00:05:30,244
If we can fix one problem
what would that be?"

116
00:05:30,754 --> 00:05:34,654
"John, the only problem here
is my wife's not happy."

117
00:05:35,594 --> 00:05:36,645
That's it.

118
00:05:37,525 --> 00:05:42,645
I do these seminars, workshops,
at my ranch, for four days,

119
00:05:42,645 --> 00:05:45,505
and we start out with men in one room,
women in the other.

120
00:05:45,765 --> 00:05:48,805
Without my influence, I have the men
write down their complaints

121
00:05:48,805 --> 00:05:52,065
about their wives, relationships, 
women, in one room.

122
00:05:52,325 --> 00:05:53,656
Women do it in another room,

123
00:05:53,656 --> 00:05:56,226
and then we spend the whole
four days working on that.

124
00:05:56,716 --> 00:06:00,517
And men have one sheet,
and women have five.

125
00:06:00,517 --> 00:06:03,476
(Laughter)

126
00:06:05,096 --> 00:06:10,997
And men's list is one or two words:
critical, complaints, nags, punishes,

127
00:06:10,997 --> 00:06:14,097
not interested in sex -
that's the longest one they come up with.

128
00:06:14,097 --> 00:06:16,497
(Laughter)

129
00:06:16,997 --> 00:06:18,377
There's that list over there.

130
00:06:18,377 --> 00:06:21,085
And women got all these lists,
so it gets a big long list:

131
00:06:21,085 --> 00:06:24,462
everything is a long sentence,
and if this, then that, all that stuff.

132
00:06:24,462 --> 00:06:26,448
(Laughter)

133
00:06:27,078 --> 00:06:28,879
And men go, "See?"

134
00:06:28,879 --> 00:06:31,528
(Laughter) (Applause)

135
00:06:34,289 --> 00:06:36,774
I got a few claps for that,
which I'm not asking for,

136
00:06:36,774 --> 00:06:38,506
but that's what excites men.

137
00:06:39,016 --> 00:06:40,436
I made a difference.

138
00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:43,356
That's why men love their dogs so much.

139
00:06:43,356 --> 00:06:44,776
(Laughter)

140
00:06:44,776 --> 00:06:47,946
When I come home,
my dog is happy I'm alive!

141
00:06:47,946 --> 00:06:49,796
(Laughter)

142
00:06:50,286 --> 00:06:54,017
It touches something
so deep inside of every man.

143
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,137
Through the whole evolution of man,

144
00:06:56,137 --> 00:06:58,157
men were out there in the dangerous world,

145
00:06:58,157 --> 00:07:00,377
if you came home alive, they celebrated.

146
00:07:00,377 --> 00:07:02,647
(Laughter)

147
00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:05,237
Now it's, "Oh, he's back."

148
00:07:05,237 --> 00:07:07,081
(Laughter)

149
00:07:07,811 --> 00:07:11,239
You left the lights on the living room
last night before you left.

150
00:07:11,239 --> 00:07:12,469
(Laughter)

151
00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:14,797
That's what I get!

152
00:07:16,047 --> 00:07:18,317
So men go, "She was just happy -"

153
00:07:18,317 --> 00:07:19,448
What is a man thinking,

154
00:07:19,448 --> 00:07:22,880
"If she was just the way she was
when I married her."

155
00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:26,949
When men get married, they want you
to stay the same - as if you can.

156
00:07:27,999 --> 00:07:30,049
I realize that women
will never be the same,

157
00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:31,827
they're like the weather.

158
00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:33,539
(Laughter)

159
00:07:34,399 --> 00:07:35,568
It's always changing:

160
00:07:35,568 --> 00:07:39,747
it's sunshine, blue sky, puffy clouds,

161
00:07:40,247 --> 00:07:41,720
rain storms,

162
00:07:42,510 --> 00:07:43,946
lightning strikes,

163
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,460
hurricanes,

164
00:07:46,460 --> 00:07:47,463
(Laughter)

165
00:07:47,463 --> 00:07:48,700
tornadoes.

166
00:07:49,310 --> 00:07:51,601
If you're from Mars,
you have these instincts

167
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:54,339
that do the worst thing
when you're with a Venusian.

168
00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:57,869
On Mars, when there are
tornadoes, what do we do?

169
00:07:57,869 --> 00:07:59,869
We find a ditch and lie low.

170
00:07:59,869 --> 00:08:01,149
(Laughter)

171
00:08:01,149 --> 00:08:03,310
It's not what women expect you to do.

172
00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:08,250
When that tornado comes in,
you're supposed to, like, stand there.

173
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,360
(Laughter)

174
00:08:11,050 --> 00:08:12,960
"Is something the matter?"

175
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,380
(Laughter)

176
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:21,382
If you read any of my books,
you know what you have to say

177
00:08:21,382 --> 00:08:24,190
when every cell in your body says,
"I can't take it anymore.

178
00:08:24,190 --> 00:08:27,891
I've got to find a ditch and lie low.
Let me get my car and drive somewhere."

179
00:08:27,891 --> 00:08:30,472
Instead, you stand there
and just keep looking.

180
00:08:31,312 --> 00:08:33,951
And when there's a break you say, "Huh.

181
00:08:33,951 --> 00:08:36,232
(Laughter)

182
00:08:36,232 --> 00:08:37,402
Tell me more."

183
00:08:37,402 --> 00:08:40,412
(Laughter)

184
00:08:42,442 --> 00:08:44,832
She feels like: I'm married to Superman.

185
00:08:44,832 --> 00:08:45,832
(Laughter)

186
00:08:45,832 --> 00:08:49,133
Afterwards that you could do that,
and I teach people how to do that -

187
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,804
you have to at least know
what you're trying to do, here.

188
00:08:51,804 --> 00:08:52,974
Because married men say,

189
00:08:52,974 --> 00:08:56,073
"No matter what I say or do,
it makes it worse."

190
00:08:56,523 --> 00:08:59,563
And I say, "That's because
what you say and do is wrong.

191
00:08:59,563 --> 00:09:01,524
(Laughter)

192
00:09:02,224 --> 00:09:03,804
It just doesn't work!

193
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:06,853
You've just told me
it doesn't work. It doesn't work."

194
00:09:07,483 --> 00:09:08,865
But what does work?

195
00:09:11,705 --> 00:09:13,134
Nothing.

196
00:09:13,134 --> 00:09:15,064
(Laughter) (Applause)

197
00:09:15,684 --> 00:09:17,153
Nothing!

198
00:09:17,803 --> 00:09:20,444
You cannot make a woman happy!

199
00:09:20,444 --> 00:09:22,444
(Laughter)

200
00:09:22,444 --> 00:09:24,604
You cannot change the weather.

201
00:09:24,604 --> 00:09:26,506
It changes by itself.

202
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:28,795
Women are grown ups,

203
00:09:28,795 --> 00:09:30,804
they can feel better,
they can get happier,

204
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,202
they know how to do it.

205
00:09:32,202 --> 00:09:35,406
Just their way of doing it
is different from ours.

206
00:09:36,156 --> 00:09:39,084
All I have to do when
I'm stressed out is sit down.

207
00:09:39,674 --> 00:09:42,556
(Laughter)

208
00:09:43,826 --> 00:09:45,516
Men have a switch back here,

209
00:09:45,516 --> 00:09:47,326
as soon as you sit down,

210
00:09:47,326 --> 00:09:50,746
(Laughter)

211
00:09:50,746 --> 00:09:53,126
blood flow stops to your brain.

212
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,946
(Laughter)

213
00:09:57,276 --> 00:09:58,902
They did some experiments on that.

214
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:02,757
They have women at the end of the day
sit down, have men sit down,

215
00:10:03,621 --> 00:10:05,381
and they measure the brain activity.

216
00:10:05,381 --> 00:10:07,198
Women sit down, their brains speed up,

217
00:10:07,198 --> 00:10:08,888
(Laughter)

218
00:10:08,888 --> 00:10:10,098
more blood flow.

219
00:10:10,558 --> 00:10:12,317
And you say, "What are you thinking?"

220
00:10:12,317 --> 00:10:15,478
And she says - which any woman
in this room can predict -

221
00:10:15,478 --> 00:10:17,158
"Well, while sitting on this couch,

222
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,399
I'm thinking of all the things
I should be doing that I'm not doing

223
00:10:20,399 --> 00:10:22,289
while I'm doing this silly experiment."

224
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,548
(Laughter)

225
00:10:25,788 --> 00:10:28,177
Then they do the man,
and the man is sitting there,

226
00:10:28,177 --> 00:10:31,150
and you look at the scans:
nothing's happening!

227
00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:32,539
(Laughter)

228
00:10:32,539 --> 00:10:33,790
Is it broken?

229
00:10:33,790 --> 00:10:34,810
(Laughter)

230
00:10:34,810 --> 00:10:36,280
What is this?

231
00:10:39,282 --> 00:10:41,332
And she is like,"Whoa!"

232
00:10:41,332 --> 00:10:43,302
So you ask him, "What are you thinking?"

233
00:10:43,302 --> 00:10:46,732
And you all know the answer
to that question if you've been married.

234
00:10:47,442 --> 00:10:49,522
He says, "Nothing!"

235
00:10:49,522 --> 00:10:51,503
(Laughter)

236
00:10:51,503 --> 00:10:55,194
And now he's got evidence, "See, honey.
I'm not withholding from you."

237
00:10:55,194 --> 00:10:57,064
(Laughter)

238
00:10:57,064 --> 00:11:02,044
"I don't have big secrets.
I'm not hiding my problems from you.

239
00:11:02,614 --> 00:11:04,604
I'm trying to forget them.

240
00:11:04,604 --> 00:11:05,883
(Laughter)

241
00:11:05,883 --> 00:11:08,354
Why do we have to talk about them?"

242
00:11:09,254 --> 00:11:12,513
Because one of the primary ways
that men cope with stress -

243
00:11:12,513 --> 00:11:15,274
and remember, what's the hormone
that lower stress for men?

244
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:16,533
Testosterone.

245
00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:20,185
So the hormone that lowers stress
for men is testosterone.

246
00:11:20,875 --> 00:11:24,335
If I've got all these problems in my life,
and I'm solving them,

247
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,784
I'm releasing testosterone,

248
00:11:25,784 --> 00:11:27,774
and it's keeping my stress levels down.

249
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,735
At the end of the day,
I still have all these unmet problems,

250
00:11:30,735 --> 00:11:33,175
all these problems I haven't solved.

251
00:11:33,175 --> 00:11:36,785
So now, I'm not solving problems,
my stress level goes up!

252
00:11:37,255 --> 00:11:39,215
I can't do anything about it, I'm home,

253
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:41,465
I can't do anything about it,
so stress goes up.

254
00:11:41,465 --> 00:11:43,655
So how have men adapted
to deal with problems

255
00:11:43,655 --> 00:11:45,996
you can't do anything about
once you're sitting?

256
00:11:47,746 --> 00:11:48,847
Forget it!

257
00:11:48,847 --> 00:11:49,879
(Laughter)

258
00:11:49,879 --> 00:11:51,466
We can turn our brains off.

259
00:11:51,466 --> 00:11:55,306
We have an off switch. Women don't.

260
00:11:55,746 --> 00:11:57,766
They cannot forget anything.

261
00:11:57,766 --> 00:12:00,377
(Laughter)

262
00:12:00,377 --> 00:12:03,876
Here is a simple test
in gender intelligence:

263
00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:07,385
who has a better, bigger memory?

264
00:12:07,385 --> 00:12:09,865
Women or men?

265
00:12:09,865 --> 00:12:10,948
Women.

266
00:12:10,948 --> 00:12:12,236
This is proven!

267
00:12:12,726 --> 00:12:17,568
The hippocampus in a woman's brain
is twice as big as in a man's brain.

268
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:23,199
The second story is like a library
recording everything on the first floor.

269
00:12:23,199 --> 00:12:24,298
On the second floor,


270
00:12:24,298 --> 00:12:26,548
she records every mistake
you've ever made.

271
00:12:26,548 --> 00:12:28,889
(Laughter)

272
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:33,399
And something she can't do
much about is when she is stressed,

273
00:12:33,399 --> 00:12:37,289
when she is stressed,
blood flow goes to that second floor.

274
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,579
(Laughter)

275
00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,160
There's an elevator, she goes up,

276
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,319
she forgets every good thing
you've ever done

277
00:12:42,319 --> 00:12:44,359
and remembers
every mistake you made.

278
00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:46,819
How does she get off that floor?

279
00:12:46,819 --> 00:12:50,471
She's got to lower her stress;
she cannot forget it.

280
00:12:50,471 --> 00:12:53,211
So what does she do?
What's a woman's reaction?

281
00:12:53,211 --> 00:12:54,456
Just measure the brain.

282
00:12:54,456 --> 00:12:56,507
There're wonderful brain studies now.

283
00:12:56,937 --> 00:12:59,565
Under moderate stress, women's brains

284
00:12:59,565 --> 00:13:03,642
have eight times more blood flow
to the emotional part of the brain,

285
00:13:03,642 --> 00:13:05,667
which then goes to the hippocampus.

286
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,837
She's bombarded with memories!

287
00:13:08,527 --> 00:13:10,858
For a man, he forgets everything.

288
00:13:12,638 --> 00:13:15,767
I'm not saying that women
are more emotional than men,

289
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:22,268
I'm saying that under moderate stress,
women have a stronger emotional reaction.

290
00:13:22,938 --> 00:13:27,990
Under big stress, men have
a stronger emotional reaction.

291
00:13:27,990 --> 00:13:30,099
What's big stress for men?

292
00:13:30,799 --> 00:13:33,878
A problem you
can't solve and can't forget.

293
00:13:34,538 --> 00:13:35,992
That's the big stress for men:

294
00:13:35,992 --> 00:13:38,769
a problem you can't solve,
and you can't forget.

295
00:13:39,169 --> 00:13:41,479
No matter how many
football games you're watching

296
00:13:41,479 --> 00:13:43,361
no matter how much
news you're watching,

297
00:13:43,361 --> 00:13:45,751
how much pressing weights
in the gym you are doing,

298
00:13:45,751 --> 00:13:47,181
you can't forget that problem.

299
00:13:47,181 --> 00:13:49,552
So now your stress levels are shooting up.

300
00:13:50,032 --> 00:13:52,489
So, for men, that's a big problem!

301
00:13:52,489 --> 00:13:55,490
So, historically, evolutionary wise,

302
00:13:55,490 --> 00:13:58,950
that's lions, tigers, bears.

303
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,430
Oh, my!

304
00:14:01,970 --> 00:14:05,633
Lions, tigers, bears -
men have a big reaction!

305
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:08,411
And by the way, biologically,
what's happening?

306
00:14:08,411 --> 00:14:10,012
As soon as a man feels powerless,

307
00:14:10,012 --> 00:14:14,502
his testosterone converts to estrogen
and floods his brain with fear and anger.

308
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:18,024
It's when men go to their female hormones,

309
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:20,473
they lose control
of their masculine hormones,

310
00:14:20,473 --> 00:14:22,153
their testosterone levels drop.

311
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:24,580
Literally, testosterone
converts into estrogen

312
00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:26,702
through an enzyme called aromatase.

313
00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:30,322
I'm a man, testosterone driven.

314
00:14:30,322 --> 00:14:32,363
Every man has to have

315
00:14:32,363 --> 00:14:35,192
30 times more testosterone
than your average woman

316
00:14:35,192 --> 00:14:37,312
to get up on stage to do anything.

317
00:14:39,202 --> 00:14:40,593
Without that, he's like:

318
00:14:40,593 --> 00:14:42,265
"Ugh, I don't want to work anymore.

319
00:14:42,265 --> 00:14:45,183
I just want to go play,
watch TV, and do nothing."

320
00:14:45,813 --> 00:14:47,463
Every loser I have ever counseled,

321
00:14:47,463 --> 00:14:50,064
I said, "Why did you do that?" 
"I felt like it."

322
00:14:50,984 --> 00:14:54,063
"Why don't you get up and do this?"
"I don't feel like it."

323
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:59,193
What we do want - feelings,
it's a wonderful evolutionary lift.

324
00:15:00,405 --> 00:15:04,245
Men have to always reason first
and then check it out with their feelings.

325
00:15:04,718 --> 00:15:05,736
Why do I say that?

326
00:15:05,736 --> 00:15:08,064
Because I counsel losers a lot.

327
00:15:09,114 --> 00:15:12,595
They follow their feelings
instead of saying, "Does that make sense?"

328
00:15:12,595 --> 00:15:13,706
"I don't care."

329
00:15:14,406 --> 00:15:17,005
A man has to start with caring,
about what makes sense,

330
00:15:17,005 --> 00:15:18,966
and then check it out with your feelings.

331
00:15:18,966 --> 00:15:21,284
Women have to check out
what is my feeling first,

332
00:15:21,284 --> 00:15:23,718
which will access your intuition,

333
00:15:23,718 --> 00:15:25,246
and then what makes sense.

334
00:15:25,546 --> 00:15:27,092
We're complements to each other,

335
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,296
and we see the wiring
in the brain is the same.

336
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:32,269
The intuitive center over here,
the emotional center over here,

337
00:15:32,269 --> 00:15:35,037
called the right anterior
parietal lobe in a woman,

338
00:15:35,427 --> 00:15:38,277
which has to do with
personal relationships,

339
00:15:39,017 --> 00:15:41,497
has to do with:
"What are you eating today?"

340
00:15:42,197 --> 00:15:44,197
"What should we have for food today?"

341
00:15:44,807 --> 00:15:46,428
"What should I wear?"

342
00:15:46,428 --> 00:15:48,076
"Look, what she's wearing."

343
00:15:48,636 --> 00:15:50,398
"What do our children need?"

344
00:15:50,398 --> 00:15:51,788
"What do the people need?"

345
00:15:51,788 --> 00:15:53,518
"What does the earth need?"

346
00:15:54,958 --> 00:15:56,919
"What does our family need?"

347
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,517
"How can I improve this relationship?"

348
00:15:59,517 --> 00:16:01,958
That's all relational activities.

349
00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,538
I discovered that on vacation

350
00:16:04,538 --> 00:16:07,238
with my three daughters
and my wife in Hawaii.

351
00:16:08,018 --> 00:16:10,028
As we're sitting around
with nothing to do,

352
00:16:10,028 --> 00:16:11,659
I listened to their conversations.

353
00:16:11,659 --> 00:16:13,579
(Laughter)

354
00:16:14,449 --> 00:16:15,879
"What we are going to eat?"

355
00:16:15,879 --> 00:16:17,070
"What we going to wear?"

356
00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:18,839
"What did you wear, can I wear that?"

357
00:16:18,839 --> 00:16:20,838
Nothing there limited that at all,

358
00:16:20,838 --> 00:16:22,179
but when they are relaxing -

359
00:16:22,179 --> 00:16:25,008
See? That's what I'm talking about:
this is how women relax.

360
00:16:25,008 --> 00:16:29,339
They go to the right part of the brain,
that stimulates estrogen;

361
00:16:29,659 --> 00:16:34,089
it also stimulates a magic hormone
that most people are not aware of

362
00:16:34,089 --> 00:16:36,541
called oxytocin.

363
00:16:37,311 --> 00:16:41,340
Oxytocin is the hormone
that lowers stress in women.

364
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,351
This was an amazing discovery!

365
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:48,191
Was it 12 years ago,
they start finding this out?

366
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,461
Just to brag a moment,
because I am from Mars,

367
00:16:51,461 --> 00:16:53,601
I was talking about 30 years ago.

368
00:16:53,601 --> 00:16:55,629
I discovered it when I read an article

369
00:16:55,629 --> 00:16:58,591
about oxytocin that women
produce when they see babies.

370
00:16:58,591 --> 00:17:01,112
Back in the day, we were
learning about being there,

371
00:17:01,112 --> 00:17:02,862
bonding with your children at birth,

372
00:17:02,862 --> 00:17:05,554
huge amount of oxytocin 
comes out, and you bond.

373
00:17:06,564 --> 00:17:10,382
Well, then I went to this mall,
just watching women, watching men,

374
00:17:10,382 --> 00:17:12,962
I used to sit there and just watch:
there was a chair.

375
00:17:12,962 --> 00:17:14,382
(Laughter)

376
00:17:14,852 --> 00:17:16,304
And in those days,

377
00:17:16,304 --> 00:17:19,394
when women had a lot more oxytocin
than they have now,

378
00:17:20,544 --> 00:17:25,318
in those days, a woman
carrying a baby along like this,

379
00:17:25,318 --> 00:17:28,298
women would gather, "Oh!"

380
00:17:28,758 --> 00:17:32,510
The same response that my wife would make
when I brought her a rose,

381
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:34,820
and when I put my arm around her,

382
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,844
and when we saw
something sweet in a movie,

383
00:17:36,844 --> 00:17:39,583
and I realized, "Ah, this is
what makes women smile."

384
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:44,004
Now we have the science behind it:
oxytocin lowers stress for women.

385
00:17:44,004 --> 00:17:47,694
Then we found out oxytocin allows women
to have climax in the bedroom.

386
00:17:48,814 --> 00:17:50,266
That perks up men's ears.

387
00:17:50,266 --> 00:17:51,345
(Laughter)

388
00:17:51,345 --> 00:17:54,850
There is an oxytocin pill,
synthetic oxytocin.

389
00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:57,245
You can give it to her,
she'll be really turned on,

390
00:17:57,245 --> 00:17:59,816
and it's been proven,
next day she shoots you.

391
00:17:59,816 --> 00:18:02,808
(Laughter) (Applause)

392
00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:08,296
Because the drugs take you up,
but then bring you down.

393
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,116
(Laughter)

394
00:18:15,686 --> 00:18:17,540
So, by understanding
these two dynamics,

395
00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:20,506
we're living in a world today
where there's lots of stress.

396
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,017
What we want to do is

397
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:24,728
have equality, mutual respect,
mutual appreciation,

398
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,417
but we are facing a new challenge.

399
00:18:26,417 --> 00:18:29,382
As women are more in the workplace,
feeling more independent,

400
00:18:29,722 --> 00:18:31,116
testosterone gets produced.

401
00:18:31,116 --> 00:18:33,837
There's nothing wrong
with testosterone in a woman's body,

402
00:18:33,837 --> 00:18:35,218
some are just born with more,

403
00:18:35,218 --> 00:18:38,357
they'll say, "What're you talking about?
I don't care what I wear."

404
00:18:38,357 --> 00:18:43,777
But most women, 90% of women,
have this low testosterone, high estrogen,

405
00:18:43,788 --> 00:18:48,539
and oxytocin is the hormone in all women
that lowers cortisol for them -

406
00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:50,767
cortisol, the stress hormone.

407
00:18:51,147 --> 00:18:54,379
Well, if you give a man
an injection oxytocin, he goes to sleep.

408
00:18:54,379 --> 00:18:55,719
(Laughter)

409
00:18:55,719 --> 00:18:57,433
Because after climax as well ...

410
00:18:57,433 --> 00:18:58,687
(Laughter)

411
00:18:58,687 --> 00:19:01,430
After he has climaxed,
that's a release of oxytocin,

412
00:19:01,430 --> 00:19:02,550
what does he do?

413
00:19:02,550 --> 00:19:04,400
He goes right to sleep.

414
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,438
So the bottom line is
anything that's oxytocin producing,

415
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:11,040
after you've done it three or four times,
kind of puts a man to sleep.

416
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,011
Which puts a real damper on relationships

417
00:19:13,011 --> 00:19:17,000
unless men figure out that if I do
oxytocin things for my wife,

418
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,519
I'm not just doing
oxytocin producing things for her,

419
00:19:20,519 --> 00:19:22,458
I'm solving a problem.

420
00:19:22,918 --> 00:19:26,151
And when I solve a problem,
testosterone levels go up.

421
00:19:26,851 --> 00:19:28,682
So when my wife is talking,

422
00:19:28,682 --> 00:19:31,010
I'm in the storm, I say, "Tell me more,"

423
00:19:31,010 --> 00:19:34,271
my testosterone stays up
because I know how to make it work,

424
00:19:34,881 --> 00:19:38,471
and I know what I am doing
is helping her create more oxytocin.

425
00:19:38,471 --> 00:19:41,182
Planning dates, 
bringing flowers, giving cards,

426
00:19:41,182 --> 00:19:42,862
all the symbols of Valentine's Day,


427
00:19:42,862 --> 00:19:45,431
you do regularly,
on a little score, just a little bit.

428
00:19:45,431 --> 00:19:48,323
She's always looking ahead
to a special time

429
00:19:48,323 --> 00:19:53,253
that causes her oxytocin levels
to rise up to lower her stress,

430
00:19:53,253 --> 00:19:55,902
so that her stress levels don't shoot up.

431
00:19:55,902 --> 00:19:58,384
Because right now,
women's stress levels, by studies,

432
00:19:58,384 --> 00:20:03,273
are on average twice as high as men's
and four times higher at home.

433
00:20:03,893 --> 00:20:05,023
It's shocking.

434
00:20:05,023 --> 00:20:06,023
And what we can do


435
00:20:06,023 --> 00:20:10,434
is realize our relationships can help us
to lower the stress level in women

436
00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:16,344
by learning new skills
to create oxytocin in her,

437
00:20:16,344 --> 00:20:19,753
better communication does it,
see her, hear her,

438
00:20:20,593 --> 00:20:23,814
notice when she gets her hair cut -
those little things.

439
00:20:24,554 --> 00:20:25,754
I'm going to finish here.

440
00:20:25,754 --> 00:20:29,964
The little things are so important.
Men's testosterone is so important.

441
00:20:30,394 --> 00:20:32,544
I've never given
such a short talk in my life.

442
00:20:32,544 --> 00:20:33,556
(Laughter)

443
00:20:33,556 --> 00:20:36,216
But I'll finish with three
simple easy takeaways -

444
00:20:36,216 --> 00:20:38,125
I didn't do my slideshow -

445
00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,904
(Laughter)

446
00:20:42,294 --> 00:20:46,056
It was going to be:
"Staying focused in a hyper world,"

447
00:20:46,056 --> 00:20:47,086
but -

448
00:20:47,086 --> 00:20:49,225
(Laughter)

449
00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:52,265
(Applause) (Cheers)

450
00:20:56,216 --> 00:20:59,134
But as soon as somebody laughed
it brought out the best of me,

451
00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:01,586
so you got the best of me,
and you've been the best,

452
00:21:01,586 --> 00:21:04,467
and I want you to give you
three thoughts to go with - wait.

453
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:07,417
For men, there's something:
man need formulas, we need systems.

454
00:21:07,417 --> 00:21:09,129
The left brain, by the way, for men,

455
00:21:09,129 --> 00:21:11,668
left anterior parietal lobe
is twice as big for women.

456
00:21:11,668 --> 00:21:13,997
That's solving problems,
fixing the toaster,

457
00:21:13,997 --> 00:21:15,967
arranging the computer, technical things;

458
00:21:15,967 --> 00:21:18,928
when you're fixing things,
that stimulates testosterone,

459
00:21:18,928 --> 00:21:20,948
solving problems, nurturing things.

460
00:21:20,948 --> 00:21:24,379
We have a combination
of men and female in all of us,

461
00:21:24,379 --> 00:21:27,558
but here is how you nurture
the female hormones, the male hormones.

462
00:21:27,558 --> 00:21:29,548
A secret most men don't know.

463
00:21:30,438 --> 00:21:32,087
You can bring her two dozen roses,

464
00:21:32,087 --> 00:21:34,476
and a man's brain,
he calculates in the left brain:

465
00:21:34,476 --> 00:21:37,038
"That's 24 roses,
that should be 24 points."

466
00:21:37,038 --> 00:21:39,649
(Laughter)

467
00:21:39,649 --> 00:21:42,789
If roses cause oxytocin
that should be a huge surge.

468
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:45,399
It's one point of oxytocin.

469
00:21:46,109 --> 00:21:47,280
So you have to know.

470
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,000
If you bring one rose, guess what happens?

471
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,039
One point of oxytocin.

472
00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:54,068
Six roses, guess what you get?

473
00:21:54,068 --> 00:21:56,150
One point of oxytocin.

474
00:21:56,150 --> 00:21:58,820
Hundred roses?
Maybe two points of oxytocin.

475
00:21:58,820 --> 00:22:00,001
(Laughter)

476
00:22:00,001 --> 00:22:02,530
Little things make
a big difference for women.

477
00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:04,794
So it's not the big stuff;
the big stuff's fine.

478
00:22:05,224 --> 00:22:07,390
You go to work,
you do better and better work,

479
00:22:07,390 --> 00:22:09,894
you think, "Okay, I never
have to bring roses again!"

480
00:22:09,894 --> 00:22:13,121
You go to work, you get one point;
you come home, you get one point.

481
00:22:13,121 --> 00:22:16,221
You're married, one point for that.
That's it, three points a day.

482
00:22:16,221 --> 00:22:18,101
(Laughter)

483
00:22:18,301 --> 00:22:21,861
And she is doing the same thing,
so the score is even when you get home.

484
00:22:21,861 --> 00:22:24,434
She's made you dinner
and there's candle light burning,

485
00:22:24,434 --> 00:22:26,101
"My God, you are in a big trouble!"

486
00:22:26,101 --> 00:22:29,191
Because she gets herself a point
for matching napkins with plates.

487
00:22:29,191 --> 00:22:31,811
(Laughter) (Applause)

488
00:22:31,811 --> 00:22:36,022
If she says, "I made your favorite meal,"
you are in a big trouble!

489
00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:39,253
Because she gets herself all these points
for knowing what you like,

490
00:22:39,253 --> 00:22:42,043
going to the store
and buying what you like,

491
00:22:42,043 --> 00:22:44,073
all of those selfless sacrifices.

492
00:22:44,073 --> 00:22:47,733
She's given herself points,
and she looks at you - 33 to three.

493
00:22:47,733 --> 00:22:50,883
(Laughter)

494
00:22:50,883 --> 00:22:53,262
She's going, "Who is this guy?!"

495
00:22:53,262 --> 00:22:54,367
"He's a zero!"

496
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:57,364
33 minus three is 30 to zero. So -

497
00:22:57,364 --> 00:22:59,644
(Laughter)

498
00:22:59,644 --> 00:23:02,624
So do lots of little things:
hugs four times a day,

499
00:23:02,624 --> 00:23:05,865
affection, compliments,
try to notice things, plan dates -

500
00:23:05,865 --> 00:23:07,802
these are all big oxytocin producers.

501
00:23:07,802 --> 00:23:09,774
I've written 17 books on this subject.

502
00:23:09,774 --> 00:23:11,543
Now, for men,

503
00:23:11,543 --> 00:23:14,274
what can you do to keep
his testosterone levels up, women?

504
00:23:14,274 --> 00:23:17,174
You want that man alive, dynamic!

505
00:23:17,174 --> 00:23:18,526
Here're three little things,

506
00:23:18,526 --> 00:23:22,464
remember the little things, but they
sometimes have a big effect on men, too.

507
00:23:22,464 --> 00:23:26,713
When he is talking, he pauses -
find authenticity inside -

508
00:23:26,713 --> 00:23:29,096
here're three phrases to use every day,

509
00:23:29,096 --> 00:23:32,186
and you'll watch him,
his chest pop up, like "Yes."

510
00:23:32,186 --> 00:23:34,036
(Laughter)

511
00:23:34,036 --> 00:23:37,026
You say to him as he pauses,
"That makes sense."

512
00:23:37,026 --> 00:23:38,978
(Laughter) (Applause)

513
00:23:38,978 --> 00:23:40,256
You know?

514
00:23:40,256 --> 00:23:42,966
He's walking around like ...

515
00:23:42,966 --> 00:23:44,307
(Applause)

516
00:23:44,307 --> 00:23:47,016
And in his mind,
he is thinking, "Why did I say?"

517
00:23:47,016 --> 00:23:49,867
(Laughter)

518
00:23:49,867 --> 00:23:52,547
The next phrase: "Good idea!"

519
00:23:52,547 --> 00:23:54,307
(Laughter)

520
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:56,177
I think I'm ready for my next TED Talk!

521
00:23:56,177 --> 00:24:00,256
He's going, "Good idea,
worth sharing it with others, right?"

522
00:24:00,256 --> 00:24:03,938
And then the magic phrase that every man
craves to hear, once he gets married.

523
00:24:03,938 --> 00:24:06,166
Oh my gosh, it's such a deficit for us.

524
00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:09,946
Whenever you can say it, say it, women,
you don't realize how important it is.

525
00:24:09,946 --> 00:24:13,187
Just with a big smile on your face,
say, "You are right!"

526
00:24:13,187 --> 00:24:14,728
(Laughter)

527
00:24:14,728 --> 00:24:16,231
Thank you all so very much.

528
00:24:16,231 --> 00:24:18,513
I hope this is an idea worth sharing.

529
00:24:18,513 --> 00:24:19,629
Thank you.

530
00:24:19,629 --> 00:24:21,010
Thank you very much.

531
00:24:21,010 --> 00:24:25,120
(Cheers) (Applause)