0:00:16.773,0:00:20.182
I asked them to turn up the lights,[br]so that I could see you as well.

0:00:20.182,0:00:22.853
We are talking[br]about relationships, after all.

0:00:23.783,0:00:26.022
The most important thing[br]in a relationship, men,

0:00:26.022,0:00:27.664
is to see your wife.

0:00:28.154,0:00:33.354
You can see who is married,[br]at a restaurant, or who is dating.

0:00:33.354,0:00:35.194
(Laughter)

0:00:35.194,0:00:37.744
If a man is dating a woman,[br]he's looking right at her.

0:00:38.604,0:00:39.975
He's got one goal.

0:00:39.975,0:00:41.794
(Laughter)

0:00:43.324,0:00:46.074
Once he's climbed[br]that mountain, you can relax.

0:00:46.074,0:00:47.163
(Laughter)

0:00:47.163,0:00:49.445
You see, the married men,[br]they're looking around.

0:00:49.925,0:00:52.403
Quite often, somebody else[br]catches their attention:

0:00:52.683,0:00:54.355
"I haven't seen her before."

0:00:55.195,0:00:57.345
It doesn't mean he doesn't love her,

0:00:57.345,0:00:58.376
his wife.

0:00:58.376,0:01:00.755
It just means he never saw that before.

0:01:01.325,0:01:03.475
We all do this,[br]that's why we go on vacations,

0:01:03.475,0:01:06.916
to lovely spots, new places,[br]getting off the plane here in Bend,

0:01:06.916,0:01:09.177
it was blown away[br]by the beautiful mountain.

0:01:09.467,0:01:10.475
It's exciting.

0:01:10.765,0:01:12.638
You go somewhere new and different,

0:01:12.898,0:01:15.776
it stimulates a brain chemical[br]called dopamine,

0:01:16.106,0:01:18.559
and dopamine gives us motivation;

0:01:19.109,0:01:20.649
it gives us pleasure;

0:01:21.059,0:01:22.759
it gives us focus;

0:01:24.379,0:01:29.896
and it gives us happiness[br]in our relationships, passion.

0:01:30.976,0:01:36.457
When we fall in love with somebody,[br]it's literally like we are high on drugs.

0:01:37.467,0:01:38.656
Maybe you don't remember,

0:01:38.656,0:01:40.937
if you've been married[br]for 28 years like I have,

0:01:41.547,0:01:43.848
but I'm reminded of it[br]with my youngest daughter,

0:01:43.848,0:01:47.638
who is in that first[br]falling in love stage with her live-in.

0:01:48.449,0:01:50.048
(Laughter)

0:01:50.048,0:01:51.318
They're planning!

0:01:51.318,0:01:52.868
But she is a modern woman,

0:01:52.868,0:01:56.729
she wants to be completely financially[br]self-sufficient before she gets married.

0:01:57.059,0:02:00.319
That's the new woman;[br]she wants to be sufficient.

0:02:00.319,0:02:01.540
(Applause)

0:02:01.540,0:02:05.169
Yes, we all want to be self-sufficient,[br]we all want to be independent,

0:02:05.169,0:02:07.469
and then from a place[br]of wholeness come together;

0:02:07.469,0:02:08.479
it's a new world.

0:02:08.479,0:02:10.890
I'm going to talk[br]about that new world today,

0:02:10.890,0:02:12.609
but one of the most important things

0:02:12.609,0:02:15.150
is to understand[br]this brain chemical, dopamine.

0:02:15.450,0:02:17.510
Because when you haven't[br]met someone before,

0:02:17.510,0:02:19.049
and you're getting to know them,

0:02:19.049,0:02:22.062
all the ingredients are there[br]to stimulate dopamine.

0:02:23.012,0:02:24.022
Newness.

0:02:24.422,0:02:26.512
And there's no history,[br]you're completely -

0:02:26.512,0:02:27.901
where are we going with this?

0:02:27.901,0:02:29.361
What's going to happen?

0:02:29.361,0:02:31.270
And that stimulates this brain chemical,

0:02:31.270,0:02:35.292
and in men, dopamine stimulates[br]a hormone called testosterone.

0:02:36.412,0:02:39.222
So suddenly, men's[br]testosterone levels are surging.

0:02:39.802,0:02:41.382
The average man at 50

0:02:41.382,0:02:45.252
has half the testosterone levels[br]he had as a young man.

0:02:46.042,0:02:47.301
It starts to drop.

0:02:47.691,0:02:51.848
A lot of things contribute to that,[br]but one of the things is marriage.

0:02:51.848,0:02:53.573
(Laughter)

0:02:56.343,0:02:59.873
You know, I'm 62, but I went[br]through the 50s with my friends,

0:02:59.873,0:03:02.862
and several of my friends[br]got divorced, and they came alive!

0:03:02.862,0:03:05.529
I'm not recommending[br]divorce to come alive,

0:03:05.529,0:03:06.974
(Laughter)

0:03:06.974,0:03:10.256
but I am recommending learning[br]new relationships skills to come alive

0:03:10.256,0:03:11.573
in your marriage.

0:03:12.093,0:03:14.323
But it's like, suddenly,

0:03:14.323,0:03:17.132
when you're with somebody new,[br]just going somewhere new,

0:03:17.132,0:03:18.442
it stimulates dopamine,

0:03:18.442,0:03:21.443
and for men, dopamine[br]stimulates testosterone,

0:03:21.443,0:03:24.334
and for men, testosterone lowers stress.

0:03:24.934,0:03:27.095
Stress - and I don't mean[br]stress in your life,

0:03:27.095,0:03:29.375
life is always stressful,[br]problems everywhere.

0:03:29.375,0:03:30.686
But how do we react to life

0:03:30.686,0:03:33.424
is dependent on our[br]hormone response to life.

0:03:34.264,0:03:36.547
And for men, testosterone is the hormone

0:03:36.547,0:03:39.195
that helps men keep[br]their stress levels down.

0:03:40.235,0:03:43.465
Most people don't know this,[br]but I learned this when I started -

0:03:43.465,0:03:45.765
it was like 30 years ago, I was reading -

0:03:46.415,0:03:48.745
20 years ago, maybe 30,[br]somewhere in there.

0:03:51.365,0:03:54.557
I was about to go see the movie[br]Grumpy Old Men,

0:03:55.307,0:03:56.376
and I was also reading

0:03:56.376,0:03:59.444
that one of the differences[br]between young men and old men

0:03:59.444,0:04:01.966
was men's testosterone levels go down.

0:04:02.466,0:04:04.417
And then I made the link: Grumpy Old Men.

0:04:04.417,0:04:07.037
Think about men when they[br]haven't been laid for a while.

0:04:07.037,0:04:08.037
(Laughter)

0:04:08.037,0:04:10.908
They get grumpy, they're irritable,

0:04:10.908,0:04:12.267
and yet we always thought

0:04:12.267,0:04:15.567
that testosterone[br]caused all that irritability.

0:04:15.567,0:04:18.328
But actually, for men, it's estrogen.

0:04:18.808,0:04:21.507
(Laughter)

0:04:22.847,0:04:24.229
It's all those grumpy old men

0:04:24.229,0:04:26.808
having super high estrogen levels[br]and low testosterone.

0:04:26.808,0:04:28.158
Who knew?!

0:04:29.008,0:04:32.528
One of the biggest risk factors[br]for heart disease, prostate cancer,

0:04:32.528,0:04:34.509
for men is low testosterone.

0:04:35.109,0:04:38.889
All men with depression[br]have low testosterone.

0:04:39.749,0:04:43.241
That's why depression is very different[br]for a man than for a woman.

0:04:43.871,0:04:46.251
Depression for a man is that feeling:

0:04:47.011,0:04:49.701
"Nobody wants me;[br]I am not needed anymore.

0:04:49.701,0:04:51.541
Basically, I'm out of work."

0:04:52.051,0:04:53.532
"Nobody there to respond to me.

0:04:53.532,0:04:57.082
Nobody there for me[br]to fix, help, serve, support."

0:04:57.703,0:05:00.462
So, being out of work [br]is the major depression for men,

0:05:00.462,0:05:01.522
or being in a marriage[br]

0:05:01.522,0:05:04.762
where you feel you can't do anything[br]to make your partner happy.

0:05:05.312,0:05:09.063
I get to see, as a marriage counselor[br]for over 30 years,

0:05:09.623,0:05:11.863
people often on their last exit,

0:05:11.863,0:05:14.623
because I'm famous, people say,[br]"Oh yeah, you go see him,"

0:05:14.623,0:05:15.884
so I get the tough cases.

0:05:15.884,0:05:17.623
(Laughter)

0:05:17.773,0:05:19.283
But it's a challenge.

0:05:20.253,0:05:24.214
And what I hear again and again,[br]from men, I take the men aside,

0:05:24.214,0:05:28.084
"What is the problem here?[br]What's going on here?

0:05:28.084,0:05:30.244
If we can fix one problem[br]what would that be?"

0:05:30.754,0:05:34.654
"John, the only problem here[br]is my wife's not happy."

0:05:35.594,0:05:36.645
That's it.

0:05:37.525,0:05:42.645
I do these seminars, workshops,[br]at my ranch, for four days,

0:05:42.645,0:05:45.505
and we start out with men in one room,[br]women in the other.

0:05:45.765,0:05:48.805
Without my influence, I have the men[br]write down their complaints

0:05:48.805,0:05:52.065
about their wives, relationships, [br]women, in one room.

0:05:52.325,0:05:53.656
Women do it in another room,

0:05:53.656,0:05:56.226
and then we spend the whole[br]four days working on that.

0:05:56.716,0:06:00.517
And men have one sheet,[br]and women have five.

0:06:00.517,0:06:03.476
(Laughter)

0:06:05.096,0:06:10.997
And men's list is one or two words:[br]critical, complaints, nags, punishes,

0:06:10.997,0:06:14.097
not interested in sex -[br]that's the longest one they come up with.

0:06:14.097,0:06:16.497
(Laughter)

0:06:16.997,0:06:18.377
There's that list over there.

0:06:18.377,0:06:21.085
And women got all these lists,[br]so it gets a big long list:

0:06:21.085,0:06:24.462
everything is a long sentence,[br]and if this, then that, all that stuff.

0:06:24.462,0:06:26.448
(Laughter)

0:06:27.078,0:06:28.879
And men go, "See?"

0:06:28.879,0:06:31.528
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:06:34.289,0:06:36.774
I got a few claps for that,[br]which I'm not asking for,

0:06:36.774,0:06:38.506
but that's what excites men.

0:06:39.016,0:06:40.436
I made a difference.

0:06:41.006,0:06:43.356
That's why men love their dogs so much.

0:06:43.356,0:06:44.776
(Laughter)

0:06:44.776,0:06:47.946
When I come home,[br]my dog is happy I'm alive!

0:06:47.946,0:06:49.796
(Laughter)

0:06:50.286,0:06:54.017
It touches something[br]so deep inside of every man.

0:06:54.467,0:06:56.137
Through the whole evolution of man,

0:06:56.137,0:06:58.157
men were out there in the dangerous world,

0:06:58.157,0:07:00.377
if you came home alive, they celebrated.

0:07:00.377,0:07:02.647
(Laughter)

0:07:03.247,0:07:05.237
Now it's, "Oh, he's back."

0:07:05.237,0:07:07.081
(Laughter)

0:07:07.811,0:07:11.239
You left the lights on the living room[br]last night before you left.

0:07:11.239,0:07:12.469
(Laughter)

0:07:12.469,0:07:14.797
That's what I get!

0:07:16.047,0:07:18.317
So men go, "She was just happy -"

0:07:18.317,0:07:19.448
What is a man thinking,

0:07:19.448,0:07:22.880
"If she was just the way she was[br]when I married her."

0:07:23.540,0:07:26.949
When men get married, they want you[br]to stay the same - as if you can.

0:07:27.999,0:07:30.049
I realize that women[br]will never be the same,

0:07:30.049,0:07:31.827
they're like the weather.

0:07:31.827,0:07:33.539
(Laughter)

0:07:34.399,0:07:35.568
It's always changing:

0:07:35.568,0:07:39.747
it's sunshine, blue sky, puffy clouds,

0:07:40.247,0:07:41.720
rain storms,

0:07:42.510,0:07:43.946
lightning strikes,

0:07:44.756,0:07:46.460
hurricanes,

0:07:46.460,0:07:47.463
(Laughter)

0:07:47.463,0:07:48.700
tornadoes.

0:07:49.310,0:07:51.601
If you're from Mars,[br]you have these instincts

0:07:51.601,0:07:54.339
that do the worst thing[br]when you're with a Venusian.

0:07:54.959,0:07:57.869
On Mars, when there are[br]tornadoes, what do we do?

0:07:57.869,0:07:59.869
We find a ditch and lie low.

0:07:59.869,0:08:01.149
(Laughter)

0:08:01.149,0:08:03.310
It's not what women expect you to do.

0:08:03.780,0:08:08.250
When that tornado comes in,[br]you're supposed to, like, stand there.

0:08:08.250,0:08:10.360
(Laughter)

0:08:11.050,0:08:12.960
"Is something the matter?"

0:08:12.960,0:08:15.380
(Laughter)

0:08:18.660,0:08:21.382
If you read any of my books,[br]you know what you have to say

0:08:21.382,0:08:24.190
when every cell in your body says,[br]"I can't take it anymore.

0:08:24.190,0:08:27.891
I've got to find a ditch and lie low.[br]Let me get my car and drive somewhere."

0:08:27.891,0:08:30.472
Instead, you stand there[br]and just keep looking.

0:08:31.312,0:08:33.951
And when there's a break you say, "Huh.

0:08:33.951,0:08:36.232
(Laughter)

0:08:36.232,0:08:37.402
Tell me more."

0:08:37.402,0:08:40.412
(Laughter)

0:08:42.442,0:08:44.832
She feels like: I'm married to Superman.

0:08:44.832,0:08:45.832
(Laughter)

0:08:45.832,0:08:49.133
Afterwards that you could do that,[br]and I teach people how to do that -

0:08:49.133,0:08:51.804
you have to at least know[br]what you're trying to do, here.

0:08:51.804,0:08:52.974
Because married men say,

0:08:52.974,0:08:56.073
"No matter what I say or do,[br]it makes it worse."

0:08:56.523,0:08:59.563
And I say, "That's because[br]what you say and do is wrong.

0:08:59.563,0:09:01.524
(Laughter)

0:09:02.224,0:09:03.804
It just doesn't work!

0:09:03.804,0:09:06.853
You've just told me[br]it doesn't work. It doesn't work."

0:09:07.483,0:09:08.865
But what does work?

0:09:11.705,0:09:13.134
Nothing.

0:09:13.134,0:09:15.064
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:09:15.684,0:09:17.153
Nothing!

0:09:17.803,0:09:20.444
You cannot make a woman happy!

0:09:20.444,0:09:22.444
(Laughter)

0:09:22.444,0:09:24.604
You cannot change the weather.

0:09:24.604,0:09:26.506
It changes by itself.

0:09:27.776,0:09:28.795
Women are grown ups,

0:09:28.795,0:09:30.804
they can feel better,[br]they can get happier,

0:09:30.804,0:09:32.202
they know how to do it.

0:09:32.202,0:09:35.406
Just their way of doing it[br]is different from ours.

0:09:36.156,0:09:39.084
All I have to do when[br]I'm stressed out is sit down.

0:09:39.674,0:09:42.556
(Laughter)

0:09:43.826,0:09:45.516
Men have a switch back here,

0:09:45.516,0:09:47.326
as soon as you sit down,

0:09:47.326,0:09:50.746
(Laughter)

0:09:50.746,0:09:53.126
blood flow stops to your brain.

0:09:53.126,0:09:55.946
(Laughter)

0:09:57.276,0:09:58.902
They did some experiments on that.

0:09:58.902,0:10:02.757
They have women at the end of the day[br]sit down, have men sit down,

0:10:03.621,0:10:05.381
and they measure the brain activity.

0:10:05.381,0:10:07.198
Women sit down, their brains speed up,

0:10:07.198,0:10:08.888
(Laughter)

0:10:08.888,0:10:10.098
more blood flow.

0:10:10.558,0:10:12.317
And you say, "What are you thinking?"

0:10:12.317,0:10:15.478
And she says - which any woman[br]in this room can predict -

0:10:15.478,0:10:17.158
"Well, while sitting on this couch,

0:10:17.158,0:10:20.399
I'm thinking of all the things[br]I should be doing that I'm not doing

0:10:20.399,0:10:22.289
while I'm doing this silly experiment."

0:10:22.289,0:10:24.548
(Laughter)

0:10:25.788,0:10:28.177
Then they do the man,[br]and the man is sitting there,

0:10:28.177,0:10:31.150
and you look at the scans:[br]nothing's happening!

0:10:31.150,0:10:32.539
(Laughter)

0:10:32.539,0:10:33.790
Is it broken?

0:10:33.790,0:10:34.810
(Laughter)

0:10:34.810,0:10:36.280
What is this?

0:10:39.282,0:10:41.332
And she is like,"Whoa!"

0:10:41.332,0:10:43.302
So you ask him, "What are you thinking?"

0:10:43.302,0:10:46.732
And you all know the answer[br]to that question if you've been married.

0:10:47.442,0:10:49.522
He says, "Nothing!"

0:10:49.522,0:10:51.503
(Laughter)

0:10:51.503,0:10:55.194
And now he's got evidence, "See, honey.[br]I'm not withholding from you."

0:10:55.194,0:10:57.064
(Laughter)

0:10:57.064,0:11:02.044
"I don't have big secrets.[br]I'm not hiding my problems from you.

0:11:02.614,0:11:04.604
I'm trying to forget them.

0:11:04.604,0:11:05.883
(Laughter)

0:11:05.883,0:11:08.354
Why do we have to talk about them?"

0:11:09.254,0:11:12.513
Because one of the primary ways[br]that men cope with stress -

0:11:12.513,0:11:15.274
and remember, what's the hormone[br]that lower stress for men?

0:11:15.274,0:11:16.533
Testosterone.

0:11:16.533,0:11:20.185
So the hormone that lowers stress[br]for men is testosterone.

0:11:20.875,0:11:24.335
If I've got all these problems in my life,[br]and I'm solving them,

0:11:24.335,0:11:25.784
I'm releasing testosterone,

0:11:25.784,0:11:27.774
and it's keeping my stress levels down.

0:11:27.774,0:11:30.735
At the end of the day,[br]I still have all these unmet problems,

0:11:30.735,0:11:33.175
all these problems I haven't solved.

0:11:33.175,0:11:36.785
So now, I'm not solving problems,[br]my stress level goes up!

0:11:37.255,0:11:39.215
I can't do anything about it, I'm home,

0:11:39.215,0:11:41.465
I can't do anything about it,[br]so stress goes up.

0:11:41.465,0:11:43.655
So how have men adapted[br]to deal with problems

0:11:43.655,0:11:45.996
you can't do anything about[br]once you're sitting?

0:11:47.746,0:11:48.847
Forget it!

0:11:48.847,0:11:49.879
(Laughter)

0:11:49.879,0:11:51.466
We can turn our brains off.

0:11:51.466,0:11:55.306
We have an off switch. Women don't.

0:11:55.746,0:11:57.766
They cannot forget anything.

0:11:57.766,0:12:00.377
(Laughter)

0:12:00.377,0:12:03.876
Here is a simple test[br]in gender intelligence:

0:12:03.876,0:12:07.385
who has a better, bigger memory?

0:12:07.385,0:12:09.865
Women or men?

0:12:09.865,0:12:10.948
Women.

0:12:10.948,0:12:12.236
This is proven!

0:12:12.726,0:12:17.568
The hippocampus in a woman's brain[br]is twice as big as in a man's brain.

0:12:18.738,0:12:23.199
The second story is like a library[br]recording everything on the first floor.

0:12:23.199,0:12:24.298
On the second floor,[br]

0:12:24.298,0:12:26.548
she records every mistake[br]you've ever made.

0:12:26.548,0:12:28.889
(Laughter)

0:12:29.749,0:12:33.399
And something she can't do[br]much about is when she is stressed,

0:12:33.399,0:12:37.289
when she is stressed,[br]blood flow goes to that second floor.

0:12:37.289,0:12:38.579
(Laughter)

0:12:38.579,0:12:40.160
There's an elevator, she goes up,

0:12:40.160,0:12:42.319
she forgets every good thing[br]you've ever done

0:12:42.319,0:12:44.359
and remembers[br]every mistake you made.

0:12:44.999,0:12:46.819
How does she get off that floor?

0:12:46.819,0:12:50.471
She's got to lower her stress;[br]she cannot forget it.

0:12:50.471,0:12:53.211
So what does she do?[br]What's a woman's reaction?

0:12:53.211,0:12:54.456
Just measure the brain.

0:12:54.456,0:12:56.507
There're wonderful brain studies now.

0:12:56.937,0:12:59.565
Under moderate stress, women's brains

0:12:59.565,0:13:03.642
have eight times more blood flow[br]to the emotional part of the brain,

0:13:03.642,0:13:05.667
which then goes to the hippocampus.

0:13:05.667,0:13:07.837
She's bombarded with memories!

0:13:08.527,0:13:10.858
For a man, he forgets everything.

0:13:12.638,0:13:15.767
I'm not saying that women[br]are more emotional than men,

0:13:15.767,0:13:22.268
I'm saying that under moderate stress,[br]women have a stronger emotional reaction.

0:13:22.938,0:13:27.990
Under big stress, men have[br]a stronger emotional reaction.

0:13:27.990,0:13:30.099
What's big stress for men?

0:13:30.799,0:13:33.878
A problem you[br]can't solve and can't forget.

0:13:34.538,0:13:35.992
That's the big stress for men:

0:13:35.992,0:13:38.769
a problem you can't solve,[br]and you can't forget.

0:13:39.169,0:13:41.479
No matter how many[br]football games you're watching

0:13:41.479,0:13:43.361
no matter how much[br]news you're watching,

0:13:43.361,0:13:45.751
how much pressing weights[br]in the gym you are doing,

0:13:45.751,0:13:47.181
you can't forget that problem.

0:13:47.181,0:13:49.552
So now your stress levels are shooting up.

0:13:50.032,0:13:52.489
So, for men, that's a big problem!

0:13:52.489,0:13:55.490
So, historically, evolutionary wise,

0:13:55.490,0:13:58.950
that's lions, tigers, bears.

0:14:00.040,0:14:01.430
Oh, my!

0:14:01.970,0:14:05.633
Lions, tigers, bears -[br]men have a big reaction!

0:14:06.193,0:14:08.411
And by the way, biologically,[br]what's happening?

0:14:08.411,0:14:10.012
As soon as a man feels powerless,

0:14:10.012,0:14:14.502
his testosterone converts to estrogen[br]and floods his brain with fear and anger.

0:14:15.660,0:14:18.024
It's when men go to their female hormones,

0:14:18.024,0:14:20.473
they lose control[br]of their masculine hormones,

0:14:20.473,0:14:22.153
their testosterone levels drop.

0:14:22.153,0:14:24.580
Literally, testosterone[br]converts into estrogen

0:14:24.580,0:14:26.702
through an enzyme called aromatase.

0:14:27.872,0:14:30.322
I'm a man, testosterone driven.

0:14:30.322,0:14:32.363
Every man has to have

0:14:32.363,0:14:35.192
30 times more testosterone[br]than your average woman

0:14:35.192,0:14:37.312
to get up on stage to do anything.

0:14:39.202,0:14:40.593
Without that, he's like:

0:14:40.593,0:14:42.265
"Ugh, I don't want to work anymore.

0:14:42.265,0:14:45.183
I just want to go play,[br]watch TV, and do nothing."

0:14:45.813,0:14:47.463
Every loser I have ever counseled,

0:14:47.463,0:14:50.064
I said, "Why did you do that?" [br]"I felt like it."

0:14:50.984,0:14:54.063
"Why don't you get up and do this?"[br]"I don't feel like it."

0:14:54.833,0:14:59.193
What we do want - feelings,[br]it's a wonderful evolutionary lift.

0:15:00.405,0:15:04.245
Men have to always reason first[br]and then check it out with their feelings.

0:15:04.718,0:15:05.736
Why do I say that?

0:15:05.736,0:15:08.064
Because I counsel losers a lot.

0:15:09.114,0:15:12.595
They follow their feelings[br]instead of saying, "Does that make sense?"

0:15:12.595,0:15:13.706
"I don't care."

0:15:14.406,0:15:17.005
A man has to start with caring,[br]about what makes sense,

0:15:17.005,0:15:18.966
and then check it out with your feelings.

0:15:18.966,0:15:21.284
Women have to check out[br]what is my feeling first,

0:15:21.284,0:15:23.718
which will access your intuition,

0:15:23.718,0:15:25.246
and then what makes sense.

0:15:25.546,0:15:27.092
We're complements to each other,

0:15:27.092,0:15:29.296
and we see the wiring[br]in the brain is the same.

0:15:29.296,0:15:32.269
The intuitive center over here,[br]the emotional center over here,

0:15:32.269,0:15:35.037
called the right anterior[br]parietal lobe in a woman,

0:15:35.427,0:15:38.277
which has to do with[br]personal relationships,

0:15:39.017,0:15:41.497
has to do with:[br]"What are you eating today?"

0:15:42.197,0:15:44.197
"What should we have for food today?"

0:15:44.807,0:15:46.428
"What should I wear?"

0:15:46.428,0:15:48.076
"Look, what she's wearing."

0:15:48.636,0:15:50.398
"What do our children need?"

0:15:50.398,0:15:51.788
"What do the people need?"

0:15:51.788,0:15:53.518
"What does the earth need?"

0:15:54.958,0:15:56.919
"What does our family need?"

0:15:57.499,0:15:59.517
"How can I improve this relationship?"

0:15:59.517,0:16:01.958
That's all relational activities.

0:16:03.088,0:16:04.538
I discovered that on vacation

0:16:04.538,0:16:07.238
with my three daughters[br]and my wife in Hawaii.

0:16:08.018,0:16:10.028
As we're sitting around[br]with nothing to do,

0:16:10.028,0:16:11.659
I listened to their conversations.

0:16:11.659,0:16:13.579
(Laughter)

0:16:14.449,0:16:15.879
"What we are going to eat?"

0:16:15.879,0:16:17.070
"What we going to wear?"

0:16:17.070,0:16:18.839
"What did you wear, can I wear that?"

0:16:18.839,0:16:20.838
Nothing there limited that at all,

0:16:20.838,0:16:22.179
but when they are relaxing -

0:16:22.179,0:16:25.008
See? That's what I'm talking about:[br]this is how women relax.

0:16:25.008,0:16:29.339
They go to the right part of the brain,[br]that stimulates estrogen;

0:16:29.659,0:16:34.089
it also stimulates a magic hormone[br]that most people are not aware of

0:16:34.089,0:16:36.541
called oxytocin.

0:16:37.311,0:16:41.340
Oxytocin is the hormone[br]that lowers stress in women.

0:16:42.160,0:16:44.351
This was an amazing discovery!

0:16:44.351,0:16:48.191
Was it 12 years ago,[br]they start finding this out?

0:16:48.841,0:16:51.461
Just to brag a moment,[br]because I am from Mars,

0:16:51.461,0:16:53.601
I was talking about 30 years ago.

0:16:53.601,0:16:55.629
I discovered it when I read an article

0:16:55.629,0:16:58.591
about oxytocin that women[br]produce when they see babies.

0:16:58.591,0:17:01.112
Back in the day, we were[br]learning about being there,

0:17:01.112,0:17:02.862
bonding with your children at birth,

0:17:02.862,0:17:05.554
huge amount of oxytocin [br]comes out, and you bond.

0:17:06.564,0:17:10.382
Well, then I went to this mall,[br]just watching women, watching men,

0:17:10.382,0:17:12.962
I used to sit there and just watch:[br]there was a chair.

0:17:12.962,0:17:14.382
(Laughter)

0:17:14.852,0:17:16.304
And in those days,

0:17:16.304,0:17:19.394
when women had a lot more oxytocin[br]than they have now,

0:17:20.544,0:17:25.318
in those days, a woman[br]carrying a baby along like this,

0:17:25.318,0:17:28.298
women would gather, "Oh!"

0:17:28.758,0:17:32.510
The same response that my wife would make[br]when I brought her a rose,

0:17:33.230,0:17:34.820
and when I put my arm around her,

0:17:34.820,0:17:36.844
and when we saw[br]something sweet in a movie,

0:17:36.844,0:17:39.583
and I realized, "Ah, this is[br]what makes women smile."

0:17:39.583,0:17:44.004
Now we have the science behind it:[br]oxytocin lowers stress for women.

0:17:44.004,0:17:47.694
Then we found out oxytocin allows women[br]to have climax in the bedroom.

0:17:48.814,0:17:50.266
That perks up men's ears.

0:17:50.266,0:17:51.345
(Laughter)

0:17:51.345,0:17:54.850
There is an oxytocin pill,[br]synthetic oxytocin.

0:17:54.850,0:17:57.245
You can give it to her,[br]she'll be really turned on,

0:17:57.245,0:17:59.816
and it's been proven,[br]next day she shoots you.

0:17:59.816,0:18:02.808
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:18:05.068,0:18:08.296
Because the drugs take you up,[br]but then bring you down.

0:18:08.296,0:18:10.116
(Laughter)

0:18:15.686,0:18:17.540
So, by understanding[br]these two dynamics,

0:18:17.540,0:18:20.506
we're living in a world today[br]where there's lots of stress.

0:18:20.866,0:18:22.017
What we want to do is

0:18:22.017,0:18:24.728
have equality, mutual respect,[br]mutual appreciation,

0:18:24.728,0:18:26.417
but we are facing a new challenge.

0:18:26.417,0:18:29.382
As women are more in the workplace,[br]feeling more independent,

0:18:29.722,0:18:31.116
testosterone gets produced.

0:18:31.116,0:18:33.837
There's nothing wrong[br]with testosterone in a woman's body,

0:18:33.837,0:18:35.218
some are just born with more,

0:18:35.218,0:18:38.357
they'll say, "What're you talking about?[br]I don't care what I wear."

0:18:38.357,0:18:43.777
But most women, 90% of women,[br]have this low testosterone, high estrogen,

0:18:43.788,0:18:48.539
and oxytocin is the hormone in all women[br]that lowers cortisol for them -

0:18:49.119,0:18:50.767
cortisol, the stress hormone.

0:18:51.147,0:18:54.379
Well, if you give a man[br]an injection oxytocin, he goes to sleep.

0:18:54.379,0:18:55.719
(Laughter)

0:18:55.719,0:18:57.433
Because after climax as well ...

0:18:57.433,0:18:58.687
(Laughter)

0:18:58.687,0:19:01.430
After he has climaxed,[br]that's a release of oxytocin,

0:19:01.430,0:19:02.550
what does he do?

0:19:02.550,0:19:04.400
He goes right to sleep.

0:19:04.400,0:19:07.438
So the bottom line is[br]anything that's oxytocin producing,

0:19:07.438,0:19:11.040
after you've done it three or four times,[br]kind of puts a man to sleep.

0:19:11.040,0:19:13.011
Which puts a real damper on relationships

0:19:13.011,0:19:17.000
unless men figure out that if I do[br]oxytocin things for my wife,

0:19:17.000,0:19:20.519
I'm not just doing[br]oxytocin producing things for her,

0:19:20.519,0:19:22.458
I'm solving a problem.

0:19:22.918,0:19:26.151
And when I solve a problem,[br]testosterone levels go up.

0:19:26.851,0:19:28.682
So when my wife is talking,

0:19:28.682,0:19:31.010
I'm in the storm, I say, "Tell me more,"

0:19:31.010,0:19:34.271
my testosterone stays up[br]because I know how to make it work,

0:19:34.881,0:19:38.471
and I know what I am doing[br]is helping her create more oxytocin.

0:19:38.471,0:19:41.182
Planning dates, [br]bringing flowers, giving cards,

0:19:41.182,0:19:42.862
all the symbols of Valentine's Day,[br]

0:19:42.862,0:19:45.431
you do regularly,[br]on a little score, just a little bit.

0:19:45.431,0:19:48.323
She's always looking ahead[br]to a special time

0:19:48.323,0:19:53.253
that causes her oxytocin levels[br]to rise up to lower her stress,

0:19:53.253,0:19:55.902
so that her stress levels don't shoot up.

0:19:55.902,0:19:58.384
Because right now,[br]women's stress levels, by studies,

0:19:58.384,0:20:03.273
are on average twice as high as men's[br]and four times higher at home.

0:20:03.893,0:20:05.023
It's shocking.

0:20:05.023,0:20:06.023
And what we can do[br]

0:20:06.023,0:20:10.434
is realize our relationships can help us[br]to lower the stress level in women

0:20:10.434,0:20:16.344
by learning new skills[br]to create oxytocin in her,

0:20:16.344,0:20:19.753
better communication does it,[br]see her, hear her,

0:20:20.593,0:20:23.814
notice when she gets her hair cut -[br]those little things.

0:20:24.554,0:20:25.754
I'm going to finish here.

0:20:25.754,0:20:29.964
The little things are so important.[br]Men's testosterone is so important.

0:20:30.394,0:20:32.544
I've never given[br]such a short talk in my life.

0:20:32.544,0:20:33.556
(Laughter)

0:20:33.556,0:20:36.216
But I'll finish with three[br]simple easy takeaways -

0:20:36.216,0:20:38.125
I didn't do my slideshow -

0:20:38.125,0:20:40.904
(Laughter)

0:20:42.294,0:20:46.056
It was going to be:[br]"Staying focused in a hyper world,"

0:20:46.056,0:20:47.086
but -

0:20:47.086,0:20:49.225
(Laughter)

0:20:49.225,0:20:52.265
(Applause) (Cheers)

0:20:56.216,0:20:59.134
But as soon as somebody laughed[br]it brought out the best of me,

0:20:59.134,0:21:01.586
so you got the best of me,[br]and you've been the best,

0:21:01.586,0:21:04.467
and I want you to give you[br]three thoughts to go with - wait.

0:21:04.467,0:21:07.417
For men, there's something:[br]man need formulas, we need systems.

0:21:07.417,0:21:09.129
The left brain, by the way, for men,

0:21:09.129,0:21:11.668
left anterior parietal lobe[br]is twice as big for women.

0:21:11.668,0:21:13.997
That's solving problems,[br]fixing the toaster,

0:21:13.997,0:21:15.967
arranging the computer, technical things;

0:21:15.967,0:21:18.928
when you're fixing things,[br]that stimulates testosterone,

0:21:18.928,0:21:20.948
solving problems, nurturing things.

0:21:20.948,0:21:24.379
We have a combination[br]of men and female in all of us,

0:21:24.379,0:21:27.558
but here is how you nurture[br]the female hormones, the male hormones.

0:21:27.558,0:21:29.548
A secret most men don't know.

0:21:30.438,0:21:32.087
You can bring her two dozen roses,

0:21:32.087,0:21:34.476
and a man's brain,[br]he calculates in the left brain:

0:21:34.476,0:21:37.038
"That's 24 roses,[br]that should be 24 points."

0:21:37.038,0:21:39.649
(Laughter)

0:21:39.649,0:21:42.789
If roses cause oxytocin[br]that should be a huge surge.

0:21:43.359,0:21:45.399
It's one point of oxytocin.

0:21:46.109,0:21:47.280
So you have to know.

0:21:47.280,0:21:50.000
If you bring one rose, guess what happens?

0:21:50.000,0:21:52.039
One point of oxytocin.

0:21:52.039,0:21:54.068
Six roses, guess what you get?

0:21:54.068,0:21:56.150
One point of oxytocin.

0:21:56.150,0:21:58.820
Hundred roses?[br]Maybe two points of oxytocin.

0:21:58.820,0:22:00.001
(Laughter)

0:22:00.001,0:22:02.530
Little things make[br]a big difference for women.

0:22:02.530,0:22:04.794
So it's not the big stuff;[br]the big stuff's fine.

0:22:05.224,0:22:07.390
You go to work,[br]you do better and better work,

0:22:07.390,0:22:09.894
you think, "Okay, I never[br]have to bring roses again!"

0:22:09.894,0:22:13.121
You go to work, you get one point;[br]you come home, you get one point.

0:22:13.121,0:22:16.221
You're married, one point for that.[br]That's it, three points a day.

0:22:16.221,0:22:18.101
(Laughter)

0:22:18.301,0:22:21.861
And she is doing the same thing,[br]so the score is even when you get home.

0:22:21.861,0:22:24.434
She's made you dinner[br]and there's candle light burning,

0:22:24.434,0:22:26.101
"My God, you are in a big trouble!"

0:22:26.101,0:22:29.191
Because she gets herself a point[br]for matching napkins with plates.

0:22:29.191,0:22:31.811
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:22:31.811,0:22:36.022
If she says, "I made your favorite meal,"[br]you are in a big trouble!

0:22:36.022,0:22:39.253
Because she gets herself all these points[br]for knowing what you like,

0:22:39.253,0:22:42.043
going to the store[br]and buying what you like,

0:22:42.043,0:22:44.073
all of those selfless sacrifices.

0:22:44.073,0:22:47.733
She's given herself points,[br]and she looks at you - 33 to three.

0:22:47.733,0:22:50.883
(Laughter)

0:22:50.883,0:22:53.262
She's going, "Who is this guy?!"

0:22:53.262,0:22:54.367
"He's a zero!"

0:22:54.367,0:22:57.364
33 minus three is 30 to zero. So -

0:22:57.364,0:22:59.644
(Laughter)

0:22:59.644,0:23:02.624
So do lots of little things:[br]hugs four times a day,

0:23:02.624,0:23:05.865
affection, compliments,[br]try to notice things, plan dates -

0:23:05.865,0:23:07.802
these are all big oxytocin producers.

0:23:07.802,0:23:09.774
I've written 17 books on this subject.

0:23:09.774,0:23:11.543
Now, for men,

0:23:11.543,0:23:14.274
what can you do to keep[br]his testosterone levels up, women?

0:23:14.274,0:23:17.174
You want that man alive, dynamic!

0:23:17.174,0:23:18.526
Here're three little things,

0:23:18.526,0:23:22.464
remember the little things, but they[br]sometimes have a big effect on men, too.

0:23:22.464,0:23:26.713
When he is talking, he pauses -[br]find authenticity inside -

0:23:26.713,0:23:29.096
here're three phrases to use every day,

0:23:29.096,0:23:32.186
and you'll watch him,[br]his chest pop up, like "Yes."

0:23:32.186,0:23:34.036
(Laughter)

0:23:34.036,0:23:37.026
You say to him as he pauses,[br]"That makes sense."

0:23:37.026,0:23:38.978
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:23:38.978,0:23:40.256
You know?

0:23:40.256,0:23:42.966
He's walking around like ...

0:23:42.966,0:23:44.307
(Applause)

0:23:44.307,0:23:47.016
And in his mind,[br]he is thinking, "Why did I say?"

0:23:47.016,0:23:49.867
(Laughter)

0:23:49.867,0:23:52.547
The next phrase: "Good idea!"

0:23:52.547,0:23:54.307
(Laughter)

0:23:54.307,0:23:56.177
I think I'm ready for my next TED Talk!

0:23:56.177,0:24:00.256
He's going, "Good idea,[br]worth sharing it with others, right?"

0:24:00.256,0:24:03.938
And then the magic phrase that every man[br]craves to hear, once he gets married.

0:24:03.938,0:24:06.166
Oh my gosh, it's such a deficit for us.

0:24:06.166,0:24:09.946
Whenever you can say it, say it, women,[br]you don't realize how important it is.

0:24:09.946,0:24:13.187
Just with a big smile on your face,[br]say, "You are right!"

0:24:13.187,0:24:14.728
(Laughter)

0:24:14.728,0:24:16.231
Thank you all so very much.

0:24:16.231,0:24:18.513
I hope this is an idea worth sharing.

0:24:18.513,0:24:19.629
Thank you.

0:24:19.629,0:24:21.010
Thank you very much.

0:24:21.010,0:24:25.120
(Cheers) (Applause)