WEBVTT 00:00:04.602 --> 00:00:08.416 Oh, Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet! 00:00:08.416 --> 00:00:10.782 The vampire army has taken the city! 00:00:10.782 --> 00:00:17.400 We must check the castle tower and make sure no vampires made it into our home base 00:00:17.400 --> 00:00:19.358 You wait here, I`ll go check the castle 00:00:19.358 --> 00:00:22.203 Yes, you do that. 00:00:22.203 --> 00:00:25.589 OH MY GOD HAMLET! I JUST SAW A FUCKING VAMPIRE! 00:00:25.589 --> 00:00:28.471 IT BIT ME RIGHT IN THE NECK! 00:00:28.471 --> 00:00:35.410 Save yourself Hamlet, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit 00:00:35.410 --> 00:00:38.171 My fellow I will avenge you 00:00:38.171 --> 00:00:44.173 And rid this castle of the vampire scurge that has taken this fair city 00:00:44.173 --> 00:00:50.333 I shall hunt each and everyone down in this town and drive a wooden stake through their heart 00:00:50.333 --> 00:00:54.217 all this for my friend the fellow 00:00:54.217 --> 00:01:01.091 Abe Lincoln: OH NO! HAMLET TURN AROUND HE TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE, HE`S GONNA BITE YOU! 00:01:01.091 --> 00:01:06.437 OH SHIT! HAMLET! I can`t watch this! Hey everybody, I can`t watch this! 00:01:06.437 --> 00:01:08.660 John: Well some of us are trying to! 00:01:08.660 --> 00:01:10.152 Lady: John! Please! 00:01:10.152 --> 00:01:15.226 Abe: WHO SAID THAT?! WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS JUST SAID THAT SHIT!? 00:01:15.226 --> 00:01:19.379 Was it you, stringbean? You skinny-ass looking motherfucker! 00:01:19.379 --> 00:01:25.271 TURN AROUND AND SAY IT AGAIN! (x3) 00:01:25.271 --> 00:01:27.197 Will you please be QUIET?! 00:01:27.197 --> 00:01:29.233 Lady: John! That is the president of the United States! 00:01:29.233 --> 00:01:31.254 I don't care who it is, he's ruining Hamlet 00:01:31.254 --> 00:01:50.218 Abe: Now you fucked up (x10) 00:01:50.218 --> 00:01:53.456 John: MISTER PRESIDENT will you please be quiet? 00:01:53.456 --> 00:01:56.153 Suck my presidential cock, BITCH 00:01:56.153 --> 00:02:00.154 You fat-ass piece of shit, you tub-o-lard looking motherfucker 00:02:00.154 --> 00:02:06.136 WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! HEY! 00:02:06.136 --> 00:02:06.789 John: What. 00:02:06.789 --> 00:02:09.041 Abe: WHAT! 00:02:09.041 --> 00:02:15.603 I don't know why you're looking at me bitch, the plays on state, I ain't puttin' on a play up here I'm trying to be entertained right now 00:02:15.603 --> 00:02:18.549 MR PRESIDENT, BE QUIIET 00:02:18.549 --> 00:02:20.325 Lady: John! Calm down! 00:02:20.325 --> 00:02:26.620 Abe: Listen to the woman John! Calm down, just calm down. 00:02:26.620 --> 00:02:32.279 Hey! Acty, stop the play, ACTY! HEY! HO! 00:02:32.279 --> 00:02:35.938 I gotta go to the bathroom I drank too much liquid now I gotta piss 00:02:35.938 --> 00:02:46.559 Oh, I got a bottle, its aiight, rewind the play 5 minutes though 'cuz that piece of shit was talking and I couldn't pay attention, so rewind the play 5 minutes 00:02:46.559 --> 00:02:47.899 and you shut the fuck up! 00:02:47.899 --> 00:02:51.236 John: That's it, I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago.. 00:02:51.236 --> 00:02:52.723 Lady: John, what are you going to do?! 00:02:52.723 --> 00:02:54.413 I'm gonna be him to death with this hammer 00:02:54.413 --> 00:02:56.044 What? John! 00:02:56.044 --> 00:03:02.690 Abe: Whoa, what are you doing skinny? What are you doing you fat piece of shit? Where's he going? What's that fat piece of shit doing now? 00:03:02.690 --> 00:03:03.707 OH SHIT! 00:03:03.707 --> 00:03:13.854 He's hittin' me in the butt, he's hitting my butt, don't break my butt, don't break my butt! He's breaking my butt! 00:03:13.854 --> 00:03:18.435 Ladies and Gentlemen, that is what actually happened that night all those years ago 00:03:18.435 --> 00:03:25.321 American Historians and Documentarians believe that the actual events were far to embarrassing for a growing nation to endure 00:03:25.321 --> 00:03:32.680 But Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much that he died of being hammered in the ass, thank you, goodnight