1
00:00:04,602 --> 00:00:08,416
Oh, Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet!

2
00:00:08,416 --> 00:00:10,782
The vampire army has taken the city!

3
00:00:10,782 --> 00:00:17,400
We must check the castle tower and make sure no vampires made it into our home base

4
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,358
You wait here, I`ll go check the castle

5
00:00:19,358 --> 00:00:22,203
Yes, you do that.

6
00:00:22,203 --> 00:00:25,589
OH MY GOD HAMLET! I JUST SAW A FUCKING VAMPIRE!

7
00:00:25,589 --> 00:00:28,471
IT BIT ME RIGHT IN THE NECK!

8
00:00:28,471 --> 00:00:35,410
Save yourself Hamlet, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

9
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,171
My fellow I will avenge you

10
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:44,173
And rid this castle of the vampire scurge that has taken this fair city

11
00:00:44,173 --> 00:00:50,333
I shall hunt each and everyone down in this town and drive a wooden stake through their heart

12
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:54,217
all this for my friend the fellow

13
00:00:54,217 --> 00:01:01,091
Abe Lincoln: OH NO! HAMLET TURN AROUND HE TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE, HE`S GONNA BITE YOU!

14
00:01:01,091 --> 00:01:06,437
OH SHIT! HAMLET! I can`t watch this! Hey everybody, I can`t watch this!

15
00:01:06,437 --> 00:01:08,660
John: Well some of us are trying to!

16
00:01:08,660 --> 00:01:10,152
Lady: John! Please!

17
00:01:10,152 --> 00:01:15,226
Abe: WHO SAID THAT?! WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS JUST SAID THAT SHIT!?

18
00:01:15,226 --> 00:01:19,379
Was it you, stringbean? You skinny-ass looking motherfucker!

19
00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:25,271
TURN AROUND AND SAY IT AGAIN! (x3)

20
00:01:25,271 --> 00:01:27,197
Will you please be QUIET?!

21
00:01:27,197 --> 00:01:29,233
Lady: John! That is the president of the United States!

22
00:01:29,233 --> 00:01:31,254
I don't care who it is, he's ruining Hamlet

23
00:01:31,254 --> 00:01:50,218
Abe: Now you fucked up (x10)

24
00:01:50,218 --> 00:01:53,456
John: MISTER PRESIDENT will you please be quiet?

25
00:01:53,456 --> 00:01:56,153
Suck my presidential cock, BITCH

26
00:01:56,153 --> 00:02:00,154
You fat-ass piece of shit, you tub-o-lard looking motherfucker

27
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:06,136
WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! HEY!

28
00:02:06,136 --> 00:02:06,789
John: What.

29
00:02:06,789 --> 00:02:09,041
Abe: WHAT!

30
00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:15,603
I don't know why you're looking at me bitch, the plays on state, I ain't puttin' on a play up here I'm trying to be entertained right now

31
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:18,549
MR PRESIDENT, BE QUIIET

32
00:02:18,549 --> 00:02:20,325
Lady: John! Calm down!

33
00:02:20,325 --> 00:02:26,620
Abe: Listen to the woman John! Calm down, just calm down.

34
00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:32,279
Hey! Acty, stop the play, ACTY! HEY! HO!

35
00:02:32,279 --> 00:02:35,938
I gotta go to the bathroom I drank too much liquid now I gotta piss

36
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:46,559
Oh, I got a bottle, its aiight, rewind the play 5 minutes though 'cuz that piece of shit was talking and I couldn't pay attention, so rewind the play 5 minutes

37
00:02:46,559 --> 00:02:47,899
and you shut the fuck up!

38
00:02:47,899 --> 00:02:51,236
John: That's it, I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago..

39
00:02:51,236 --> 00:02:52,723
Lady: John, what are you going to do?!

40
00:02:52,723 --> 00:02:54,413
I'm gonna be him to death with this hammer

41
00:02:54,413 --> 00:02:56,044
What? John!

42
00:02:56,044 --> 00:03:02,690
Abe: Whoa, what are you doing skinny? What are you doing you fat piece of shit? Where's he going? What's that fat piece of shit doing now?

43
00:03:02,690 --> 00:03:03,707
OH SHIT!

44
00:03:03,707 --> 00:03:13,854
He's hittin' me in the butt, he's hitting my butt, don't break my butt, don't break my butt! He's breaking my butt!

45
00:03:13,854 --> 00:03:18,435
Ladies and Gentlemen, that is what actually happened that night all those years ago

46
00:03:18,435 --> 00:03:25,321
American Historians and Documentarians believe that the actual events were far to embarrassing for a growing nation to endure

47
00:03:25,321 --> 00:03:32,680
But Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much that he died of being hammered in the ass, thank you, goodnight