WEBVTT

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It's been said if you never want
to have sex again, get married.

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(Laughter)

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Sex is one of the most contentious
issues in marriage today,

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second only to finances.

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There are many married couples

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that have not had sex
for months, even years,

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and that's OK as long as they are OK
with it and happily married.

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The problem arises when one person
in the relationship wants sex,

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and the other doesn't.

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According to a national newspaper survey
of approximately 10,000 respondents

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- mostly married men -

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75% were satisfied in their relationship,

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but more than 50%
were dissatisfied with their sex lives.

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We are having sex
- don't get me wrong -

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we are just having sex at the wrong time,
and with the wrong people;

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I'll get to that later.

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(Laughter)

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We are having sex before we get married,
ten years on average,

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so we are effectively
in a long-term relationship

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and potentially, quite sexually bored
before we even mess up the marital bed.

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And that has its consequences.

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Most brides today do not have sex
on their wedding nights,

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and 50% of men would not
have married their spouse

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had they known their marriage
was going to be sexless.

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So, everybody wants to know

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just how much sex
are married people having

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whether they are in heterosexual
relationships or same-sex unions.

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You all want to know what's going on
at the Joneses; well, not much.

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(Laughter)

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Only about 7% of married couples
set the sheets ablaze.

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Most married couples have sex

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a little bit more than once a week
for the first decade of their marriage.

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It decreases after that.

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So they have sex about 58 times a year.

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And 20% of marriages meet the criteria
as a sexless marriage,

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and that, defined by the experts,
is sex less than ten times a year.

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So why aren't we having sex
in our marriages?

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There's a little-known
chemical in the brain

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conveniently called PEA or 'PEA, '

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and it's responsible for the elation,
the excitement, and the euphoria

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that you feel when you meet somebody
that you are sexually interested in.

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It's a fantastic feeling.

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This chemical is gorging
through your blood vessels.

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You are so happy; that's
how powerful this little chemical is.

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But what happens after two years

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is that chemical diminishes
as does sexual frequency.

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That's just about the time

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you might get married
or may have conflict in your relationship,

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and that is why communication
is key to great sex.

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There is another reason

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we are not having sex
in our relationship,

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and that has to do
with the sex education that we provide.

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I'd like to share a story about myself.

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When I was a teenager, my mother
came racing into my bedroom, and she said,

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"Maureen, please, tell me

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you have not allowed a boy
to French-kiss you."

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She was feeling terrible
that the sex education came a bit late.

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And I was feeling horrifically guilty,
as an Irish Catholic girl,

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that I'd French-kissed a number of boys

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(Laughter)

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by that stage.

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We teach girls and women

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that sex is dirty,
and sex is bad, or it's over rated.

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We say, "You're just going to get
a sexual-transmitted infection anyway,"

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or, "You may get pregnant!"

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This whole fear-base thing
frightens women from enjoying sex,

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and we never talk about pleasure
or orgasm with girls and women.

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And in fact, some women say,
"Orgasm's not important,"

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and that the journey is just as good
as the destination.

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I disagree.

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(Laughter)

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Of course.

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I am the one who French-kissed
all the boys, as an Irish Catholic girl.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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It's like getting on a train
with your lover,

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and you are going to the most pleasurable
place on the planet.

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You are so excited.

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You are getting lubed up with all
the free drinks they are giving you.

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This is amazing!

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And just before you reach
your destination,

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he gets off, and you don't.

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(Laughter)

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You get my point.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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The sex education
we have for boys and men:

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that's entirely different.

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It's a global program, it's free,
it's accessible to everybody,

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and it's known as internet pornography.

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Fantastic!

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And it does nothing to teach
men and boys about intimacy

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which is really important to men and boys,

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or how to make love to anybody.

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Also, we have a paucity of information
about sexual health

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for LGBTQI community,

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and we need to add to that.

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Marriage can rapidly go
from a holy matrimony to holy hell

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with the finances, the kids,
the houses, the illness.

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I mean, you may have signed up
for sickness and health,

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but that was long before
you'd ever witnessed a man cold.

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(Laughter)

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And...

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(Laughter)

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And how about that richer or poorer thing?

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Ladies, we are going to have
to start going for richer.

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Most women today are working
inside and outside of the home.

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We are doing the lion's share
of the housework

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because according to research,
men don't feel they are that good at it.

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And we are bridging the gap

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between growing children
and aging parents.

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We are exhausted doing it all
and never doing it.

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And when we are doing it,
we are checking our smartphones.

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10% of people check
their smartphones during sex

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(Laughter)

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35% immediately afterward.

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We are connected to the Internet

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(Laughter)

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(Cheers) (Applause)

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We are connected to the Internet
and disconnected from our would-be lovers.

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Maybe this is the reason

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that the most common sex position
for married couples is doggy style.

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No, no, no!

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It's not what you're thinking.

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Get your minds out of the gutter.

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This is the one where he is
on all his fours and begs,

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and she plays dead.

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(Laughter)

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I have a clinical practice where I see
patients that have sexual dysfunction,

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and there are two questions
that I ask everybody.

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The first one is,
"Are you sexually active?"

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It's obvious.

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When I ask women,
they never say yes or no

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- well, they never say yes -

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but they never say yes or no.

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They say, "Sometimes,"

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"Sort of," "I am not sure," "He is"

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(Laughter)

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or they say, "I am married."

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I say, "Well, that means no to me."

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They say, "Yes, sure. Right. it is no."

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Most men complain
that women never initiate sex.

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The reason for this
is because, once again,

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the sex education we provide to women.

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Women falsely believe

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that female sexual interest, desire,
precedes sexual activity,

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when in actuality,

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it is sexual activity that prompts
sexual interest and desire.

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Sexual arousal emerges
as a result of sexual activity.

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So, you guys, I know,
intimacy is important to you.

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The most important question
that reflects this,

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that I receive from you,

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is, "How much masturbation
is too much masturbation?"

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(Laughter)

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So, I just say, "Well,
as long as you can go to work

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(Laughter)

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you should be fine."

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And then I realize

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that that's perhaps
all that what you are doing at work.

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(Laughter)

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So, I know intimacy is important.

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You want to come home,
and you want to make love to your wife

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if you are in a heterosexual relationship.

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So after a long
and quite possibly very hard day,

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you come home to a bit of chaos, perhaps,

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but you've just got sex on the mind,
and she says, "Did you remember the milk?"

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And you are like,
"Darn! The milk! I forgot the milk!"

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Don't beat yourselves up about it;

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if not for the milk,

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we have Facebook, hormones,
"I am feeling a little tired tonight,"

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"My stomach is sticking out, I am feeling
kind of fat, can't do it tonight,"

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"Didn't we have sex last month?"

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And you are like,
"That was actually last year!"

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(Laughter)

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You don't get it.
I mean, literally, you don't get it.

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But you're like, "She is amazing,
she works in and outside of the home,"

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"She does a great job
with the kids," "She volunteers,"

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She even has time for girls' nights out.

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So, I brought a friend home
after one such girls' night out.

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As we approached her house, drove up,
she looked up to her bedroom window,

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she saw that the lights were on,
and she said,

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"Argh! Donny is waiting up for me.
Do me a favor.

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Drive around the block a few times

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(Laughter)

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until the light goes out."

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I said, "Listen! You get in there
and make love to your husband,

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before somebody else does."

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Because that is one thing
that will increase a woman's sexual desire

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when someone else wants her man.

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Still unconvinced, she said,

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"I decided to extol
the health and beauty benefits

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that sex has for a woman:

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a youthful glow, better sleep,
wrinkle-free skin.

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Keep driving," she said.

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(Laughter)

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There is a device that will increase
anybody's sexual desire,

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and that happens to be
the Mercedes-Benz 4matic convertible SL

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(Laughter)

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and it comes in 64 colors.

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But if that doesn't do it,

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the desire to have a baby will rev up
any woman's sex drive.

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The problem is having that baby
is likely to kill it

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along with any marital eroticism
a couple may have had

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because a lot of people believe

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motherhood and being sexual
is incongruous.

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John followed me on Linkedln for two years
before he mustered up the courage

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to make an appointment
about his sexless marriage.

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He'd been married for seven years,

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and they had never
consummated the relationship.

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Their parents were pressuring them
to have children

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because they wanted grandchildren.

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When they came into my clinical practice,

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the second question that I ask everybody
that enters my clinical practice,

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most unfortunately, is,

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"Have you ever experienced sexual abuse
or unwanted sexual advances as a child?"

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This was the first time
this gentleman had learned

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that his wife had experienced
sexual abuse, as a six-year-old,

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at the hands of her best friend's father.

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She thought sex was dirty, she hated sex.

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We need a worldwide moratorium
on ending sexual violence on our children,

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boys and girls,
because it happens to both.

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(Applause)

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Healing from sexual abuse
takes a lifetime.

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Ella had lived a lifetime.

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A widow, she said she wasn't
sexually active, but she hoped to be.

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I thought, "Fantastic!
Somebody is going to have sex here!"

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But she said, "The problem, Maureen,

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is that these old guys
can't get it up anymore."

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I said, "Well, Ella, you might have
to go for a younger guy."

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She said, "What's younger
when you are 84?"

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(Laughter)

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"70?"

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(Laughter)

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"Yes," some of you are saying.

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The hard truth is

00:14:04.277 --> 00:14:09.057
that men in their 30s and 40s
may experience erectile dysfunction.

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Ella is going to have to go
for a millennial.

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(Laughter)

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So you are all probably thinking,
"What's the big deal?

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Why treat my erectile dysfunction?"

00:14:23.067 --> 00:14:26.359
Well, I liken the penis to a plane.

00:14:26.360 --> 00:14:29.782
If the pilot can't get
the plane up in the air

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and keep the plane
in the air for the entire trip,

00:14:32.673 --> 00:14:35.143
it's probably a problem with the engine.

00:14:35.582 --> 00:14:37.751
So if you can't get your penis up

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and keep it up
for the entire sexual experience,

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there's likely a problem with your engine.

00:14:44.373 --> 00:14:46.054
Well, that's your heart.

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Erectile dysfunction
is the canary in the coal mine,

00:14:49.340 --> 00:14:52.175
and it may signify cardiovascular disease.

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It may also indicate diabetes.

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So, these two medical conditions,

00:14:57.187 --> 00:15:01.761
in addition to low testosterone,
stress, substance use and abuse,

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excessive alcohol consumption,
unresolved conflict, financial issues,

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all of those may contribute
to low sexual desire,

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and you may end up in a sexless marriage.

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George presented to my clinical practice:

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at age 40, he decided to settle down.

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He was marrying a beautiful
and accomplished woman

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in a few months.

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There's only one problem:

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George was gay!

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(Laughter)

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George could not bear to tell
his family that he was gay,

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because he felt it would have
shamed the entire family.

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I said, "George, you are going to end up
in a sexless marriage!"

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He said, "Tell me something I don't know!"

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So, George said to me his plan was this,

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"Well, when my parents die,
I'm then going to divorce this woman,

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and I'm going to marry
the man that I love."

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I said, "George,
you are not thinking straight!"

00:16:03.349 --> 00:16:04.906
(Laughter)

00:16:09.550 --> 00:16:13.450
Sex is the barometer
of the state of affairs in a marriage.

00:16:13.560 --> 00:16:20.225
People who live in sexless marriages
report feeling frustrated, unloved,

00:16:20.226 --> 00:16:25.406
undesirable, unattractive,
and the worst of all, lonely.

00:16:25.568 --> 00:16:29.913
And loneliness has been shown
to increase vascular resistance,

00:16:29.914 --> 00:16:34.294
elevate blood pressure,
and lead to an early death.

00:16:35.462 --> 00:16:38.756
You are more likely to die from loneliness

00:16:38.757 --> 00:16:43.387
than you are from obesity
or excessive alcohol consumption.

00:16:43.804 --> 00:16:46.163
When I educate women, and I say,

00:16:46.164 --> 00:16:50.796
"If you are not having sex
with your husband, someone else may,"

00:16:50.797 --> 00:16:52.702
they get upset, and they say

00:16:52.703 --> 00:16:55.691
that I am blaming women
for men's bad behavior,

00:16:55.692 --> 00:16:59.571
when in actuality,
I am doing a community service.

00:16:59.572 --> 00:17:00.579
You see?

00:17:00.580 --> 00:17:05.628
Men in sexless marriages cheat
to remain in that marriage, in general.

00:17:05.630 --> 00:17:09.424
And women cheat
to leave a sexless marriage.

00:17:09.425 --> 00:17:11.928
And women cheat, too.
Nobody ever thinks we do.

00:17:11.929 --> 00:17:14.560
We are just sneakier about it,
we just don't get caught.

00:17:14.563 --> 00:17:15.578
(Laughter)

00:17:15.579 --> 00:17:17.518
Or socialize very differently.

00:17:17.519 --> 00:17:19.413
This is one thing we have on you, guys.

00:17:19.414 --> 00:17:20.644
(Laughter)

00:17:21.690 --> 00:17:25.851
Women cheat with other men,
and women cheat with other women.

00:17:26.098 --> 00:17:29.728
And technology has made cheating
accessible for everybody:

00:17:29.737 --> 00:17:32.766
from the politician
to the stay-at-home parent.

00:17:32.767 --> 00:17:38.523
That quick swipe right can lead
to an online passionate love affair;

00:17:39.015 --> 00:17:42.944
from texting to sexting,
to secret phone conversations.

00:17:42.945 --> 00:17:45.631
The more two people communicate online,

00:17:45.632 --> 00:17:49.602
the more likely
an in-person encounter will occur.

00:17:49.830 --> 00:17:53.060
But you can always blame your genes.

00:17:54.031 --> 00:17:58.390
The gene DRD4
has been isolated in cheaters.

00:17:58.391 --> 00:18:04.241
And the sexless marriage's just
the environment to turn on that gene.

00:18:04.490 --> 00:18:07.190
It's based on a system
of pleasure and reward.

00:18:08.135 --> 00:18:11.494
The stakes are high,
the rewards, substantial.

00:18:11.495 --> 00:18:17.580
It is the perfect cocktail
to turn that love drug back on, PEA,

00:18:17.581 --> 00:18:19.901
and the cycle begins again.

00:18:20.096 --> 00:18:25.419
Historically, marriage was
not based on mutual love

00:18:25.420 --> 00:18:28.830
But rather it was an institution
to acquire, of all things,

00:18:28.831 --> 00:18:33.600
in-laws, property, and physical labor.

00:18:33.601 --> 00:18:36.921
But at the turn
of the 20th century, in America,

00:18:36.922 --> 00:18:41.066
egalitarian ideals and the emerging
Hollywood movie industry

00:18:42.016 --> 00:18:45.156
burdened marriages
with promising romantic love forever.

00:18:45.227 --> 00:18:48.082
And now we are living forever.
Fantastic! Congratulations!

00:18:48.083 --> 00:18:51.633
You get to have sex with the same person
for the rest of your life!

00:18:52.183 --> 00:18:55.251
The second most common question
that I hear from patients

00:18:55.252 --> 00:18:57.082
is, "When does sex end?"

00:18:57.653 --> 00:19:01.593
A 44-year-old asked me; he said,
"When does sex end, Maureen? 65?"

00:19:01.622 --> 00:19:04.505
I answered him this way,
"A 22-year-old asked me,

00:19:04.506 --> 00:19:09.465
'When does sex end, Maureen? 35?'
Everybody is older, until you get there."

00:19:09.466 --> 00:19:12.400
I am here to tell you that sex never ends.

00:19:13.050 --> 00:19:15.249
If you are healthy, you can have

00:19:15.250 --> 00:19:16.619
(Cheers)

00:19:16.620 --> 00:19:18.140
(Applause)

00:19:20.811 --> 00:19:22.019
If you are healthy,

00:19:22.020 --> 00:19:25.970
you can have a great sex life
well into your 80s and 90s.

00:19:26.652 --> 00:19:29.812
Sex is good for you. Sex is healthy.

00:19:30.374 --> 00:19:32.594
Yet, sex is shrouded in shame.

00:19:33.570 --> 00:19:35.193
In the ancient aristocracies,

00:19:35.194 --> 00:19:36.317
the wealthy men

00:19:36.318 --> 00:19:39.317
had courtesans for pleasure
and concubines for quick sex.

00:19:39.318 --> 00:19:43.258
In the way we are going,
computers will be our concubines;

00:19:43.779 --> 00:19:46.679
internet pornography,
our mistress of the day.

00:19:47.321 --> 00:19:52.051
Technology is fast replacing
human connection at high speed.

00:19:53.057 --> 00:19:56.057
So, how do you rev up
the sexless marriage?

00:19:56.515 --> 00:19:59.945
Sex is about blood flow, it's exercise.

00:20:00.669 --> 00:20:03.059
Everyday, you want
to have a daily workout.

00:20:03.081 --> 00:20:05.641
It increases your agility, your stamina.

00:20:06.301 --> 00:20:09.431
Women will experience
more sexual sensation

00:20:10.171 --> 00:20:12.641
when blood is flowing to the genitalia.

00:20:12.923 --> 00:20:15.773
It also helps to treat
erectile dysfunction.

00:20:16.472 --> 00:20:19.732
Also, get help for any of the sexual
dysfunctions you may have.

00:20:20.057 --> 00:20:23.636
Vaginal dryness is an issue
that happens to women

00:20:23.637 --> 00:20:26.781
who are on the oral contraceptive pill,
who are breastfeeding,

00:20:26.782 --> 00:20:28.701
perimenopausal, postmenopausal,

00:20:28.702 --> 00:20:30.712
and there are treatments for you.

00:20:30.713 --> 00:20:34.293
Pay more attention to your spouse
than you do to your smartphone.

00:20:34.908 --> 00:20:39.328
Spend more time in your bedrooms
than you do in your boardrooms,

00:20:39.597 --> 00:20:43.016
or your bedrooms
are going to become boardrooms.

00:20:43.017 --> 00:20:44.723
(Laughter)

00:20:44.724 --> 00:20:46.675
Deal with your marital issues.

00:20:47.276 --> 00:20:50.225
Go to sleep in the same bed,
at the same time,

00:20:50.226 --> 00:20:53.785
and don't bring anything or anyone
into your marriage,

00:20:53.786 --> 00:20:57.245
except for a great sex toy
and a darn good sex therapist.

00:20:57.246 --> 00:20:58.866
(Laughter)

00:21:00.614 --> 00:21:02.843
You must establish guidelines

00:21:02.844 --> 00:21:05.882
that govern those moments
when you are struck

00:21:05.883 --> 00:21:08.871
by someone's attractiveness
outside of your marriage.

00:21:09.531 --> 00:21:11.190
But don't think for a second

00:21:11.191 --> 00:21:13.900
that you have to have sex
with the same person

00:21:13.901 --> 00:21:15.436
for the rest of your life.

00:21:15.437 --> 00:21:17.057
That's not what I mean.

00:21:17.997 --> 00:21:21.167
In your mind, that is, fantasy is key.

00:21:22.225 --> 00:21:24.705
Your brain is your largest sex organ.

00:21:25.231 --> 00:21:29.811
And one more thing: I would like
to leave you all off with a bang:

00:21:29.826 --> 00:21:31.300
(Laughter)

00:21:31.301 --> 00:21:36.800
settle all marital arguments
in the bedroom, naked.

00:21:36.801 --> 00:21:38.381
(Cheers) (Laughter)

00:21:38.382 --> 00:21:40.182
(Applause)