1
00:00:14,868 --> 00:00:20,373
It's been said if you never want
to have sex again, get married.

2
00:00:20,374 --> 00:00:22,034
(Laughter)

3
00:00:22,615 --> 00:00:27,076
Sex is one of the most contentious
issues in marriage today,

4
00:00:27,576 --> 00:00:29,934
second only to finances.

5
00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:32,018
There are many married couples

6
00:00:32,019 --> 00:00:35,698
that have not had sex
for months, even years,

7
00:00:35,699 --> 00:00:40,250
and that's OK as long as they are OK
with it and happily married.

8
00:00:40,763 --> 00:00:46,142
The problem arises when one person
in the relationship wants sex,

9
00:00:46,143 --> 00:00:48,194
and the other doesn't.

10
00:00:48,784 --> 00:00:54,053
According to a national newspaper survey
of approximately 10,000 respondents

11
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,415
- mostly married men -

12
00:00:55,744 --> 00:01:00,738
75% were satisfied in their relationship,

13
00:01:00,739 --> 00:01:05,566
but more than 50%
were dissatisfied with their sex lives.

14
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:08,415
We are having sex
- don't get me wrong -

15
00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:12,892
we are just having sex at the wrong time,
and with the wrong people;

16
00:01:12,893 --> 00:01:14,795
I'll get to that later.

17
00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:16,576
(Laughter)

18
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,928
We are having sex before we get married,
ten years on average,

19
00:01:21,494 --> 00:01:25,094
so we are effectively
in a long-term relationship

20
00:01:25,095 --> 00:01:31,552
and potentially, quite sexually bored
before we even mess up the marital bed.

21
00:01:32,081 --> 00:01:34,711
And that has its consequences.

22
00:01:34,712 --> 00:01:39,393
Most brides today do not have sex
on their wedding nights,

23
00:01:39,394 --> 00:01:43,501
and 50% of men would not
have married their spouse

24
00:01:43,502 --> 00:01:48,292
had they known their marriage
was going to be sexless.

25
00:01:49,063 --> 00:01:51,177
So, everybody wants to know

26
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:54,554
just how much sex
are married people having

27
00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:59,592
whether they are in heterosexual
relationships or same-sex unions.

28
00:01:59,593 --> 00:02:03,972
You all want to know what's going on
at the Joneses; well, not much.

29
00:02:03,973 --> 00:02:05,524
(Laughter)

30
00:02:07,184 --> 00:02:13,146
Only about 7% of married couples
set the sheets ablaze.

31
00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:17,224
Most married couples have sex

32
00:02:17,225 --> 00:02:21,604
a little bit more than once a week
for the first decade of their marriage.

33
00:02:21,605 --> 00:02:23,164
It decreases after that.

34
00:02:23,165 --> 00:02:25,439
So they have sex about 58 times a year.

35
00:02:26,322 --> 00:02:32,152
And 20% of marriages meet the criteria
as a sexless marriage,

36
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:38,328
and that, defined by the experts,
is sex less than ten times a year.

37
00:02:39,515 --> 00:02:43,047
So why aren't we having sex
in our marriages?

38
00:02:43,048 --> 00:02:46,665
There's a little-known
chemical in the brain

39
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,742
conveniently called PEA or 'PEA, '

40
00:02:49,989 --> 00:02:56,324
and it's responsible for the elation,
the excitement, and the euphoria

41
00:02:56,325 --> 00:03:02,144
that you feel when you meet somebody
that you are sexually interested in.

42
00:03:03,724 --> 00:03:05,646
It's a fantastic feeling.

43
00:03:05,647 --> 00:03:09,476
This chemical is gorging
through your blood vessels.

44
00:03:09,477 --> 00:03:14,007
You are so happy; that's
how powerful this little chemical is.

45
00:03:14,008 --> 00:03:17,072
But what happens after two years

46
00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:21,984
is that chemical diminishes
as does sexual frequency.

47
00:03:21,985 --> 00:03:23,573
That's just about the time

48
00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:26,858
you might get married
or may have conflict in your relationship,

49
00:03:27,214 --> 00:03:31,763
and that is why communication
is key to great sex.

50
00:03:31,764 --> 00:03:33,534
There is another reason

51
00:03:33,535 --> 00:03:35,555
we are not having sex
in our relationship,

52
00:03:36,025 --> 00:03:40,396
and that has to do
with the sex education that we provide.

53
00:03:41,192 --> 00:03:43,783
I'd like to share a story about myself.

54
00:03:44,202 --> 00:03:48,617
When I was a teenager, my mother
came racing into my bedroom, and she said,

55
00:03:48,618 --> 00:03:50,552
"Maureen, please, tell me

56
00:03:50,553 --> 00:03:53,514
you have not allowed a boy
to French-kiss you."

57
00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:58,729
She was feeling terrible
that the sex education came a bit late.

58
00:03:58,730 --> 00:04:02,439
And I was feeling horrifically guilty,
as an Irish Catholic girl,

59
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,658
that I'd French-kissed a number of boys

60
00:04:04,659 --> 00:04:06,068
(Laughter)

61
00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:07,599
by that stage.

62
00:04:10,012 --> 00:04:11,839
We teach girls and women

63
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that sex is dirty,
and sex is bad, or it's over rated.

64
00:04:16,149 --> 00:04:19,596
We say, "You're just going to get
a sexual-transmitted infection anyway,"

65
00:04:19,596 --> 00:04:20,904
or, "You may get pregnant!"

66
00:04:20,906 --> 00:04:24,120
This whole fear-base thing
frightens women from enjoying sex,

67
00:04:24,121 --> 00:04:29,169
and we never talk about pleasure
or orgasm with girls and women.

68
00:04:29,170 --> 00:04:34,178
And in fact, some women say,
"Orgasm's not important,"

69
00:04:34,179 --> 00:04:38,069
and that the journey is just as good
as the destination.

70
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:39,100
I disagree.

71
00:04:39,681 --> 00:04:40,931
(Laughter)

72
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,028
Of course.

73
00:04:42,481 --> 00:04:45,928
I am the one who French-kissed
all the boys, as an Irish Catholic girl.

74
00:04:45,929 --> 00:04:47,178
(Laughter)

75
00:04:47,179 --> 00:04:48,729
(Applause)

76
00:04:50,895 --> 00:04:54,294
It's like getting on a train
with your lover,

77
00:04:54,843 --> 00:04:58,700
and you are going to the most pleasurable
place on the planet.

78
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You are so excited.

79
00:05:00,325 --> 00:05:04,101
You are getting lubed up with all
the free drinks they are giving you.

80
00:05:04,102 --> 00:05:05,604
This is amazing!

81
00:05:06,199 --> 00:05:08,667
And just before you reach
your destination,

82
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,873
he gets off, and you don't.

83
00:05:11,874 --> 00:05:13,242
(Laughter)

84
00:05:13,243 --> 00:05:14,685
You get my point.

85
00:05:14,686 --> 00:05:15,865
(Laughter)

86
00:05:16,506 --> 00:05:18,136
(Applause)

87
00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:24,555
The sex education
we have for boys and men:

88
00:05:24,556 --> 00:05:26,137
that's entirely different.

89
00:05:26,615 --> 00:05:31,198
It's a global program, it's free,
it's accessible to everybody,

90
00:05:31,948 --> 00:05:35,597
and it's known as internet pornography.

91
00:05:35,598 --> 00:05:36,907
Fantastic!

92
00:05:36,908 --> 00:05:41,406
And it does nothing to teach
men and boys about intimacy

93
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:44,538
which is really important to men and boys,

94
00:05:44,539 --> 00:05:48,028
or how to make love to anybody.

95
00:05:49,399 --> 00:05:54,871
Also, we have a paucity of information
about sexual health

96
00:05:54,872 --> 00:05:58,015
for LGBTQI community,

97
00:05:58,818 --> 00:06:01,368
and we need to add to that.

98
00:06:01,908 --> 00:06:05,887
Marriage can rapidly go
from a holy matrimony to holy hell

99
00:06:05,888 --> 00:06:10,002
with the finances, the kids,
the houses, the illness.

100
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,592
I mean, you may have signed up
for sickness and health,

101
00:06:12,593 --> 00:06:15,911
but that was long before
you'd ever witnessed a man cold.

102
00:06:15,930 --> 00:06:17,069
(Laughter)

103
00:06:17,070 --> 00:06:18,109
And...

104
00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:19,575
(Laughter)

105
00:06:21,136 --> 00:06:23,966
And how about that richer or poorer thing?

106
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,956
Ladies, we are going to have
to start going for richer.

107
00:06:26,957 --> 00:06:32,116
Most women today are working
inside and outside of the home.

108
00:06:32,117 --> 00:06:34,385
We are doing the lion's share
of the housework

109
00:06:34,386 --> 00:06:38,364
because according to research,
men don't feel they are that good at it.

110
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And we are bridging the gap

111
00:06:41,206 --> 00:06:44,271
between growing children
and aging parents.

112
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We are exhausted doing it all
and never doing it.

113
00:06:48,193 --> 00:06:52,713
And when we are doing it,
we are checking our smartphones.

114
00:06:52,714 --> 00:06:56,634
10% of people check
their smartphones during sex

115
00:06:56,635 --> 00:06:58,282
(Laughter)

116
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:02,069
35% immediately afterward.

117
00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:07,492
We are connected to the Internet

118
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:08,978
(Laughter)

119
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:14,229
(Cheers) (Applause)

120
00:07:21,452 --> 00:07:27,487
We are connected to the Internet
and disconnected from our would-be lovers.

121
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,675
Maybe this is the reason

122
00:07:29,676 --> 00:07:36,290
that the most common sex position
for married couples is doggy style.

123
00:07:37,183 --> 00:07:38,183
No, no, no!

124
00:07:38,184 --> 00:07:39,613
It's not what you're thinking.

125
00:07:39,614 --> 00:07:41,555
Get your minds out of the gutter.

126
00:07:41,556 --> 00:07:45,020
This is the one where he is
on all his fours and begs,

127
00:07:45,021 --> 00:07:46,804
and she plays dead.

128
00:07:46,805 --> 00:07:48,576
(Laughter)

129
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:57,136
I have a clinical practice where I see
patients that have sexual dysfunction,

130
00:07:57,627 --> 00:08:00,266
and there are two questions
that I ask everybody.

131
00:08:00,446 --> 00:08:03,109
The first one is,
"Are you sexually active?"

132
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:04,206
It's obvious.

133
00:08:04,702 --> 00:08:09,839
When I ask women,
they never say yes or no

134
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,272
- well, they never say yes -

135
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:12,753
but they never say yes or no.

136
00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:15,151
They say, "Sometimes,"

137
00:08:15,152 --> 00:08:19,031
"Sort of," "I am not sure," "He is"

138
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,710
(Laughter)

139
00:08:20,711 --> 00:08:24,104
or they say, "I am married."

140
00:08:24,444 --> 00:08:27,351
I say, "Well, that means no to me."

141
00:08:27,352 --> 00:08:30,611
They say, "Yes, sure. Right. it is no."

142
00:08:30,612 --> 00:08:35,989
Most men complain
that women never initiate sex.

143
00:08:37,071 --> 00:08:40,746
The reason for this
is because, once again,

144
00:08:40,748 --> 00:08:43,929
the sex education we provide to women.

145
00:08:44,142 --> 00:08:45,892
Women falsely believe

146
00:08:46,205 --> 00:08:51,776
that female sexual interest, desire,
precedes sexual activity,

147
00:08:51,777 --> 00:08:53,631
when in actuality,

148
00:08:54,209 --> 00:08:59,751
it is sexual activity that prompts
sexual interest and desire.

149
00:08:59,752 --> 00:09:05,229
Sexual arousal emerges
as a result of sexual activity.

150
00:09:07,821 --> 00:09:13,063
So, you guys, I know,
intimacy is important to you.

151
00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:17,252
The most important question
that reflects this,

152
00:09:17,253 --> 00:09:18,872
that I receive from you,

153
00:09:18,873 --> 00:09:22,741
is, "How much masturbation
is too much masturbation?"

154
00:09:22,742 --> 00:09:23,931
(Laughter)

155
00:09:23,932 --> 00:09:30,143
So, I just say, "Well,
as long as you can go to work

156
00:09:30,144 --> 00:09:32,282
(Laughter)

157
00:09:32,283 --> 00:09:34,012
you should be fine."

158
00:09:34,703 --> 00:09:36,760
And then I realize

159
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,449
that that's perhaps
all that what you are doing at work.

160
00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:44,067
(Laughter)

161
00:09:44,068 --> 00:09:47,999
So, I know intimacy is important.

162
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,920
You want to come home,
and you want to make love to your wife

163
00:09:50,921 --> 00:09:52,930
if you are in a heterosexual relationship.

164
00:09:52,931 --> 00:09:58,315
So after a long
and quite possibly very hard day,

165
00:09:59,506 --> 00:10:03,034
you come home to a bit of chaos, perhaps,

166
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:07,725
but you've just got sex on the mind,
and she says, "Did you remember the milk?"

167
00:10:07,965 --> 00:10:12,017
And you are like,
"Darn! The milk! I forgot the milk!"

168
00:10:12,018 --> 00:10:14,222
Don't beat yourselves up about it;

169
00:10:14,223 --> 00:10:15,245
if not for the milk,

170
00:10:15,246 --> 00:10:19,405
we have Facebook, hormones,
"I am feeling a little tired tonight,"

171
00:10:19,406 --> 00:10:22,996
"My stomach is sticking out, I am feeling
kind of fat, can't do it tonight,"

172
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,016
"Didn't we have sex last month?"

173
00:10:25,017 --> 00:10:27,356
And you are like,
"That was actually last year!"

174
00:10:27,357 --> 00:10:28,498
(Laughter)

175
00:10:28,499 --> 00:10:31,352
You don't get it.
I mean, literally, you don't get it.

176
00:10:31,353 --> 00:10:35,662
But you're like, "She is amazing,
she works in and outside of the home,"

177
00:10:35,663 --> 00:10:39,088
"She does a great job
with the kids," "She volunteers,"

178
00:10:39,089 --> 00:10:42,644
She even has time for girls' nights out.

179
00:10:42,645 --> 00:10:47,532
So, I brought a friend home
after one such girls' night out.

180
00:10:47,872 --> 00:10:53,221
As we approached her house, drove up,
she looked up to her bedroom window,

181
00:10:53,222 --> 00:10:55,474
she saw that the lights were on,
and she said,

182
00:10:55,475 --> 00:10:59,092
"Argh! Donny is waiting up for me.
Do me a favor.

183
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,894
Drive around the block a few times

184
00:11:00,895 --> 00:11:01,930
(Laughter)

185
00:11:01,931 --> 00:11:03,602
until the light goes out."

186
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:09,271
I said, "Listen! You get in there
and make love to your husband,

187
00:11:09,272 --> 00:11:11,174
before somebody else does."

188
00:11:11,175 --> 00:11:15,662
Because that is one thing
that will increase a woman's sexual desire

189
00:11:15,663 --> 00:11:18,037
when someone else wants her man.

190
00:11:18,735 --> 00:11:21,712
Still unconvinced, she said,

191
00:11:22,922 --> 00:11:27,251
"I decided to extol
the health and beauty benefits

192
00:11:27,252 --> 00:11:29,638
that sex has for a woman:

193
00:11:30,178 --> 00:11:35,598
a youthful glow, better sleep,
wrinkle-free skin.

194
00:11:35,969 --> 00:11:37,917
Keep driving," she said.

195
00:11:37,918 --> 00:11:39,029
(Laughter)

196
00:11:40,059 --> 00:11:43,929
There is a device that will increase
anybody's sexual desire,

197
00:11:43,930 --> 00:11:47,323
and that happens to be
the Mercedes-Benz 4matic convertible SL

198
00:11:47,324 --> 00:11:48,324
(Laughter)

199
00:11:48,325 --> 00:11:50,664
and it comes in 64 colors.

200
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:52,477
But if that doesn't do it,

201
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:56,547
the desire to have a baby will rev up
any woman's sex drive.

202
00:11:56,548 --> 00:12:00,086
The problem is having that baby
is likely to kill it

203
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:04,417
along with any marital eroticism
a couple may have had

204
00:12:05,512 --> 00:12:08,034
because a lot of people believe

205
00:12:08,035 --> 00:12:12,656
motherhood and being sexual
is incongruous.

206
00:12:13,528 --> 00:12:19,528
John followed me on Linkedln for two years
before he mustered up the courage

207
00:12:20,078 --> 00:12:22,987
to make an appointment
about his sexless marriage.

208
00:12:22,988 --> 00:12:25,107
He'd been married for seven years,

209
00:12:25,108 --> 00:12:28,308
and they had never
consummated the relationship.

210
00:12:29,078 --> 00:12:32,540
Their parents were pressuring them
to have children

211
00:12:32,541 --> 00:12:34,531
because they wanted grandchildren.

212
00:12:35,574 --> 00:12:38,393
When they came into my clinical practice,

213
00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:42,826
the second question that I ask everybody
that enters my clinical practice,

214
00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:44,636
most unfortunately, is,

215
00:12:44,637 --> 00:12:50,475
"Have you ever experienced sexual abuse
or unwanted sexual advances as a child?"

216
00:12:51,507 --> 00:12:54,220
This was the first time
this gentleman had learned

217
00:12:54,221 --> 00:12:57,604
that his wife had experienced
sexual abuse, as a six-year-old,

218
00:12:57,605 --> 00:13:00,453
at the hands of her best friend's father.

219
00:13:00,454 --> 00:13:04,144
She thought sex was dirty, she hated sex.

220
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:09,534
We need a worldwide moratorium
on ending sexual violence on our children,

221
00:13:09,535 --> 00:13:11,604
boys and girls,
because it happens to both.

222
00:13:11,605 --> 00:13:12,890
(Applause)

223
00:13:21,595 --> 00:13:25,466
Healing from sexual abuse
takes a lifetime.

224
00:13:27,921 --> 00:13:29,927
Ella had lived a lifetime.

225
00:13:30,637 --> 00:13:35,399
A widow, she said she wasn't
sexually active, but she hoped to be.

226
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:38,981
I thought, "Fantastic!
Somebody is going to have sex here!"

227
00:13:39,302 --> 00:13:41,965
But she said, "The problem, Maureen,

228
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:46,375
is that these old guys
can't get it up anymore."

229
00:13:46,914 --> 00:13:50,013
I said, "Well, Ella, you might have
to go for a younger guy."

230
00:13:50,014 --> 00:13:52,293
She said, "What's younger
when you are 84?"

231
00:13:52,294 --> 00:13:53,329
(Laughter)

232
00:13:53,429 --> 00:13:54,459
"70?"

233
00:13:54,469 --> 00:13:55,729
(Laughter)

234
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:02,218
"Yes," some of you are saying.

235
00:14:02,219 --> 00:14:04,276
The hard truth is

236
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:09,057
that men in their 30s and 40s
may experience erectile dysfunction.

237
00:14:09,732 --> 00:14:13,451
Ella is going to have to go
for a millennial.

238
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,002
(Laughter)

239
00:14:18,127 --> 00:14:20,876
So you are all probably thinking,
"What's the big deal?

240
00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:23,066
Why treat my erectile dysfunction?"

241
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:26,359
Well, I liken the penis to a plane.

242
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,782
If the pilot can't get
the plane up in the air

243
00:14:29,783 --> 00:14:32,672
and keep the plane
in the air for the entire trip,

244
00:14:32,673 --> 00:14:35,143
it's probably a problem with the engine.

245
00:14:35,582 --> 00:14:37,751
So if you can't get your penis up

246
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:41,132
and keep it up
for the entire sexual experience,

247
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:44,372
there's likely a problem with your engine.

248
00:14:44,373 --> 00:14:46,054
Well, that's your heart.

249
00:14:46,754 --> 00:14:49,339
Erectile dysfunction
is the canary in the coal mine,

250
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:52,175
and it may signify cardiovascular disease.

251
00:14:52,176 --> 00:14:54,925
It may also indicate diabetes.

252
00:14:54,926 --> 00:14:57,186
So, these two medical conditions,

253
00:14:57,187 --> 00:15:01,761
in addition to low testosterone,
stress, substance use and abuse,

254
00:15:01,762 --> 00:15:06,610
excessive alcohol consumption,
unresolved conflict, financial issues,

255
00:15:06,611 --> 00:15:09,409
all of those may contribute
to low sexual desire,

256
00:15:09,410 --> 00:15:12,441
and you may end up in a sexless marriage.

257
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:16,568
George presented to my clinical practice:

258
00:15:16,569 --> 00:15:20,199
at age 40, he decided to settle down.

259
00:15:20,299 --> 00:15:25,130
He was marrying a beautiful
and accomplished woman

260
00:15:25,870 --> 00:15:27,439
in a few months.

261
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,130
There's only one problem:

262
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,189
George was gay!

263
00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:32,847
(Laughter)

264
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:38,687
George could not bear to tell
his family that he was gay,

265
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:42,366
because he felt it would have
shamed the entire family.

266
00:15:42,572 --> 00:15:46,191
I said, "George, you are going to end up
in a sexless marriage!"

267
00:15:46,192 --> 00:15:48,420
He said, "Tell me something I don't know!"

268
00:15:49,175 --> 00:15:51,765
So, George said to me his plan was this,

269
00:15:52,823 --> 00:15:57,672
"Well, when my parents die,
I'm then going to divorce this woman,

270
00:15:57,673 --> 00:16:00,263
and I'm going to marry
the man that I love."

271
00:16:00,509 --> 00:16:03,348
I said, "George,
you are not thinking straight!"

272
00:16:03,349 --> 00:16:04,906
(Laughter)

273
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:13,450
Sex is the barometer
of the state of affairs in a marriage.

274
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:20,225
People who live in sexless marriages
report feeling frustrated, unloved,

275
00:16:20,226 --> 00:16:25,406
undesirable, unattractive,
and the worst of all, lonely.

276
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:29,913
And loneliness has been shown
to increase vascular resistance,

277
00:16:29,914 --> 00:16:34,294
elevate blood pressure,
and lead to an early death.

278
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,756
You are more likely to die from loneliness

279
00:16:38,757 --> 00:16:43,387
than you are from obesity
or excessive alcohol consumption.

280
00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,163
When I educate women, and I say,

281
00:16:46,164 --> 00:16:50,796
"If you are not having sex
with your husband, someone else may,"

282
00:16:50,797 --> 00:16:52,702
they get upset, and they say

283
00:16:52,703 --> 00:16:55,691
that I am blaming women
for men's bad behavior,

284
00:16:55,692 --> 00:16:59,571
when in actuality,
I am doing a community service.

285
00:16:59,572 --> 00:17:00,579
You see?

286
00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:05,628
Men in sexless marriages cheat
to remain in that marriage, in general.

287
00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:09,424
And women cheat
to leave a sexless marriage.

288
00:17:09,425 --> 00:17:11,928
And women cheat, too.
Nobody ever thinks we do.

289
00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:14,560
We are just sneakier about it,
we just don't get caught.

290
00:17:14,563 --> 00:17:15,578
(Laughter)

291
00:17:15,579 --> 00:17:17,518
Or socialize very differently.

292
00:17:17,519 --> 00:17:19,413
This is one thing we have on you, guys.

293
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,644
(Laughter)

294
00:17:21,690 --> 00:17:25,851
Women cheat with other men,
and women cheat with other women.

295
00:17:26,098 --> 00:17:29,728
And technology has made cheating
accessible for everybody:

296
00:17:29,737 --> 00:17:32,766
from the politician
to the stay-at-home parent.

297
00:17:32,767 --> 00:17:38,523
That quick swipe right can lead
to an online passionate love affair;

298
00:17:39,015 --> 00:17:42,944
from texting to sexting,
to secret phone conversations.

299
00:17:42,945 --> 00:17:45,631
The more two people communicate online,

300
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:49,602
the more likely
an in-person encounter will occur.

301
00:17:49,830 --> 00:17:53,060
But you can always blame your genes.

302
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:58,390
The gene DRD4
has been isolated in cheaters.

303
00:17:58,391 --> 00:18:04,241
And the sexless marriage's just
the environment to turn on that gene.

304
00:18:04,490 --> 00:18:07,190
It's based on a system
of pleasure and reward.

305
00:18:08,135 --> 00:18:11,494
The stakes are high,
the rewards, substantial.

306
00:18:11,495 --> 00:18:17,580
It is the perfect cocktail
to turn that love drug back on, PEA,

307
00:18:17,581 --> 00:18:19,901
and the cycle begins again.

308
00:18:20,096 --> 00:18:25,419
Historically, marriage was
not based on mutual love

309
00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:28,830
But rather it was an institution
to acquire, of all things,

310
00:18:28,831 --> 00:18:33,600
in-laws, property, and physical labor.

311
00:18:33,601 --> 00:18:36,921
But at the turn
of the 20th century, in America,

312
00:18:36,922 --> 00:18:41,066
egalitarian ideals and the emerging
Hollywood movie industry

313
00:18:42,016 --> 00:18:45,156
burdened marriages
with promising romantic love forever.

314
00:18:45,227 --> 00:18:48,082
And now we are living forever.
Fantastic! Congratulations!

315
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:51,633
You get to have sex with the same person
for the rest of your life!

316
00:18:52,183 --> 00:18:55,251
The second most common question
that I hear from patients

317
00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:57,082
is, "When does sex end?"

318
00:18:57,653 --> 00:19:01,593
A 44-year-old asked me; he said,
"When does sex end, Maureen? 65?"

319
00:19:01,622 --> 00:19:04,505
I answered him this way,
"A 22-year-old asked me,

320
00:19:04,506 --> 00:19:09,465
'When does sex end, Maureen? 35?'
Everybody is older, until you get there."

321
00:19:09,466 --> 00:19:12,400
I am here to tell you that sex never ends.

322
00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:15,249
If you are healthy, you can have

323
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,619
(Cheers)

324
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:18,140
(Applause)

325
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,019
If you are healthy,

326
00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:25,970
you can have a great sex life
well into your 80s and 90s.

327
00:19:26,652 --> 00:19:29,812
Sex is good for you. Sex is healthy.

328
00:19:30,374 --> 00:19:32,594
Yet, sex is shrouded in shame.

329
00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:35,193
In the ancient aristocracies,

330
00:19:35,194 --> 00:19:36,317
the wealthy men

331
00:19:36,318 --> 00:19:39,317
had courtesans for pleasure
and concubines for quick sex.

332
00:19:39,318 --> 00:19:43,258
In the way we are going,
computers will be our concubines;

333
00:19:43,779 --> 00:19:46,679
internet pornography,
our mistress of the day.

334
00:19:47,321 --> 00:19:52,051
Technology is fast replacing
human connection at high speed.

335
00:19:53,057 --> 00:19:56,057
So, how do you rev up
the sexless marriage?

336
00:19:56,515 --> 00:19:59,945
Sex is about blood flow, it's exercise.

337
00:20:00,669 --> 00:20:03,059
Everyday, you want
to have a daily workout.

338
00:20:03,081 --> 00:20:05,641
It increases your agility, your stamina.

339
00:20:06,301 --> 00:20:09,431
Women will experience
more sexual sensation

340
00:20:10,171 --> 00:20:12,641
when blood is flowing to the genitalia.

341
00:20:12,923 --> 00:20:15,773
It also helps to treat
erectile dysfunction.

342
00:20:16,472 --> 00:20:19,732
Also, get help for any of the sexual
dysfunctions you may have.

343
00:20:20,057 --> 00:20:23,636
Vaginal dryness is an issue
that happens to women

344
00:20:23,637 --> 00:20:26,781
who are on the oral contraceptive pill,
who are breastfeeding,

345
00:20:26,782 --> 00:20:28,701
perimenopausal, postmenopausal,

346
00:20:28,702 --> 00:20:30,712
and there are treatments for you.

347
00:20:30,713 --> 00:20:34,293
Pay more attention to your spouse
than you do to your smartphone.

348
00:20:34,908 --> 00:20:39,328
Spend more time in your bedrooms
than you do in your boardrooms,

349
00:20:39,597 --> 00:20:43,016
or your bedrooms
are going to become boardrooms.

350
00:20:43,017 --> 00:20:44,723
(Laughter)

351
00:20:44,724 --> 00:20:46,675
Deal with your marital issues.

352
00:20:47,276 --> 00:20:50,225
Go to sleep in the same bed,
at the same time,

353
00:20:50,226 --> 00:20:53,785
and don't bring anything or anyone
into your marriage,

354
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:57,245
except for a great sex toy
and a darn good sex therapist.

355
00:20:57,246 --> 00:20:58,866
(Laughter)

356
00:21:00,614 --> 00:21:02,843
You must establish guidelines

357
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:05,882
that govern those moments
when you are struck

358
00:21:05,883 --> 00:21:08,871
by someone's attractiveness
outside of your marriage.

359
00:21:09,531 --> 00:21:11,190
But don't think for a second

360
00:21:11,191 --> 00:21:13,900
that you have to have sex
with the same person

361
00:21:13,901 --> 00:21:15,436
for the rest of your life.

362
00:21:15,437 --> 00:21:17,057
That's not what I mean.

363
00:21:17,997 --> 00:21:21,167
In your mind, that is, fantasy is key.

364
00:21:22,225 --> 00:21:24,705
Your brain is your largest sex organ.

365
00:21:25,231 --> 00:21:29,811
And one more thing: I would like
to leave you all off with a bang:

366
00:21:29,826 --> 00:21:31,300
(Laughter)

367
00:21:31,301 --> 00:21:36,800
settle all marital arguments
in the bedroom, naked.

368
00:21:36,801 --> 00:21:38,381
(Cheers) (Laughter)

369
00:21:38,382 --> 00:21:40,182
(Applause)