WEBVTT

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我們今晚的主題是
--我不敢相信還成真了--

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是唐納·川普


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我知道每講一次他的名字

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他就會高潮一次

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我們在這節目一直
故意忽略川普的存在

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但他現在已贏得三州初選
並得到紐澤西州長克里斯蒂支持

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並在民意調查中於多數 
"超級星期二" 州黨內初選領先

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這很重要
因為自1988年以來

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於 "超級星期二" 贏得最多州的候選人

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都順利贏得全國黨初選提名

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川普就像是美國背上的黑痣

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幾年前好像無關痛癢
但如今已長大的有點噁心

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繼續忽略下去就不太聰明了

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我能夠瞭解為什麼
川普的支持者喜歡他

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他出乎意料地具娛樂效果

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比如說他星期五時
攻擊魯比歐的招數

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你看過有人流汗成這樣嗎?
這就是魯比歐!

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[觀眾笑聲]

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這具客觀的笑點啊


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就如同他幾年前於推特說

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" 在這特別的日子，我想祝福所有人，
衰人和魯蛇在內，

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9/11快樂 ! "

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他祝衰人和魯蛇 9/11快樂

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我真心底有一小小點喜歡川普
當然那是我恨的那一小點

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但那還是我心中的一部分
你若對黨內大老感到厭惡

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川普可能會讓你覺得
他是新興的清流

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我們喜歡他
因為他有話直說

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我真的認為他說的是實話

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他自己掏腰包競選

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他很有競爭力，不怕冒犯人

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我認為他是個成功的企業家

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若他像治理他的企業一樣治理國家
我們應該會更好

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在你仔細觀察之前
川普可能像是個好選擇

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就像是脫衣舞秀的自助餐

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或是美式足球聯盟
或是養黑猩猩當寵物一樣

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一開始可能很好玩
但總有一天，猴寶貝會把你手扯斷

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讓我們一一檢視那些人
所說川普的好處

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第一，他有話直說不撒謊
真的嗎?

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Politifact 網站著實檢查
他發表的 77 項聲明

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並證實其中 76% 並不屬實

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這我有親生經歷過
他曾於推特攻擊我前老闆

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" 如果 喬恩·史都華 如此清高，
那他為什麼要取藝名?

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應用本名 Jonathan Leibowitz
以自己的血緣為傲!"

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然後兩年後他又說
"我從來沒有

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取笑過 喬恩·史都華 的笨本名
我才不會呢 ! "

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然後去年他不實地說

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他拒絕這個 "非常無聊" 的節目的邀請

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他撒這謊是想炫耀啥啊?
我們的節目貴賓包含樹懶和小狗

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我們基本上是個
有辦公桌的動物園

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但是當我們指出
我們從來就沒有邀請過他時

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這是他的回應

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"忽然間我聽大家都在說
John Oliver

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我跟我的幕僚問過

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他曾經四、五度邀我上他節目

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我連他是誰我都不知道
他長甚麼樣都不知道 "

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一開始我也不期盼川普知道我是誰

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但為了這段節目撥出後
他於推特的憤怒文方便

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我可以直接跟他說 :
我看起來像在銀行工作的近視鸚鵡

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但其實，如此信心滿滿的謊言
還真讓我嚇到了一下

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我甚至向同仁重新確認

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沒有人不小心邀請過他
當然結果是沒有

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我真不瞭他知不知道自己在撒謊?

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我認為他根本不在乎真相是甚麼

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川普對待真相就如
這隻狐猴對待最高法院態度一樣

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" 我對那鳥事一點都不在乎
別吵我，我有隻香蕉要吃 "

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讓我們來看看他第二個優點 :
他不受利益團體影響

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他誰也不欠
或如他自己說的 :

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" 我自己掏腰包參選
我說的是實話 "

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" 你至今競選花了多少款項 ?"

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"喔大概 兩千、兩千五百萬吧"

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我們來想想看，第一
"我很有錢所以我說實話"

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邏輯程度大約相當
"我吃素所以我武功很強"

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兩者之間並無因果關係

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說實在因果關係
通常是與他所說的相反

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雖說他真的沒有企業贊助

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但是說他自掏腰包花了
兩千五百萬美金也不太對

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實際上他是借錢
給自己的競選基金

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總共 1750 萬
他實際出的錢不過 25 萬

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這很重要
因為在初選結束前

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他可以把自己借出去的錢
用競選基金還回來

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如果你認為借和給是大同小異

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你 "借" 你老婆結婚周年禮物
看看下場如何

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川普本人也承認
他並不完全自掏腰包

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我競選全部自掏腰包
除了那些小額捐款

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像是有小姐捐了$7.59

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總不能把錢寄回去吧
那太可愛，太美麗了

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她們會覺得自己
有投資於這場選舉中

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他把這講成好像家庭主婦
在把零錢塞進紅包裡

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前面寫個 川普收
然後他不忍心退回一樣

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事實上他基金的個人捐款
已收入高達750萬

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他若不需要別人的錢
也許網站不該有兩個 "捐款" 按鈕

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當你要別人的信用卡號時
錢就不算是不請自來的

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接下來，有些人覺得他
有競爭力，是個硬漢，這怎麼說?

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恩， 如果他真是個硬漢
他也太玻璃心了吧

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1988 年 Spy 雜誌形容他為
"手指很短的粗魯人"

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從那時起，編輯 Carter
沒事就會收到

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川普方面來信
內含他的照片

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每一張中的手都被圈起來
以示手指長短

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通常附函註解
"看吧一點都不短"

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他手指我看來挺普通
但是他對這話題敏感程度

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真的有夠好笑
更好笑的是那些附函

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據說用金色馬克筆寫的
真的有夠川普

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看起來富麗堂皇
但只不過是個便宜的爛貨

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[掌聲]

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