0:00:04.686,0:00:08.280
我們今晚的主題是[br]--我不敢相信還成真了--

0:00:08.280,0:00:11.358
是唐納·川普[br]

0:00:11.358,0:00:14.254
我知道每講一次他的名字

0:00:14.254,0:00:17.875
他就會高潮一次

0:00:17.875,0:00:21.336
我們在這節目一直[br]故意忽略川普的存在

0:00:21.336,0:00:24.497
但他現在已贏得三州初選[br]並得到紐澤西州長克里斯蒂支持

0:00:24.497,0:00:27.478
並在民意調查中於多數 [br]"超級星期二" 州黨內初選領先

0:00:27.478,0:00:30.130
這很重要[br]因為自1988年以來

0:00:30.130,0:00:33.027
於 "超級星期二" 贏得最多州的候選人

0:00:33.027,0:00:36.201
都順利贏得全國黨初選提名

0:00:36.201,0:00:39.068
川普就像是美國背上的黑痣

0:00:39.068,0:00:44.199
幾年前好像無關痛癢[br]但如今已長大的有點噁心

0:00:44.199,0:00:47.358
繼續忽略下去就不太聰明了

0:00:47.358,0:00:50.345
我能夠瞭解為什麼[br]川普的支持者喜歡他

0:00:50.345,0:00:52.285
他出乎意料地具娛樂效果

0:00:52.285,0:00:55.573
比如說他星期五時[br]攻擊魯比歐的招數

0:00:55.573,0:00:59.906
你看過有人流汗成這樣嗎?[br]這就是魯比歐!

0:01:00.216,0:01:03.046
[觀眾笑聲]

0:01:11.266,0:01:14.893
這具客觀的笑點啊[br]

0:01:14.893,0:01:17.254
就如同他幾年前於推特說

0:01:17.254,0:01:20.854
" 在這特別的日子，我想祝福所有人，[br]衰人和魯蛇在內，

0:01:20.854,0:01:24.379
9/11快樂 ! "

0:01:24.379,0:01:27.961
他祝衰人和魯蛇 9/11快樂

0:01:27.961,0:01:32.402
我真心底有一小小點喜歡川普[br]當然那是我恨的那一小點

0:01:32.402,0:01:37.300
但那還是我心中的一部分[br]你若對黨內大老感到厭惡

0:01:37.300,0:01:40.572
川普可能會讓你覺得[br]他是新興的清流

0:01:40.572,0:01:43.543
我們喜歡他[br]因為他有話直說

0:01:43.543,0:01:47.130
我真的認為他說的是實話

0:01:47.130,0:01:49.558
他自己掏腰包競選

0:01:49.558,0:01:52.265
他很有競爭力，不怕冒犯人

0:01:52.265,0:01:55.285
我認為他是個成功的企業家

0:01:55.285,0:02:01.056
若他像治理他的企業一樣治理國家[br]我們應該會更好

0:02:01.056,0:02:06.161
在你仔細觀察之前[br]川普可能像是個好選擇

0:02:06.161,0:02:09.301
就像是脫衣舞秀的自助餐

0:02:09.301,0:02:12.616
或是美式足球聯盟[br]或是養黑猩猩當寵物一樣

0:02:12.616,0:02:17.430
一開始可能很好玩[br]但總有一天，猴寶貝會把你手扯斷

0:02:17.430,0:02:21.607
讓我們一一檢視那些人[br]所說川普的好處

0:02:21.607,0:02:25.300
第一，他有話直說不撒謊[br]真的嗎?

0:02:25.300,0:02:28.055
Politifact 網站著實檢查[br]他發表的 77 項聲明

0:02:28.055,0:02:32.351
並證實其中 76% 並不屬實

0:02:32.351,0:02:36.600
這我有親生經歷過[br]他曾於推特攻擊我前老闆

0:02:36.600,0:02:40.353
" 如果 喬恩·史都華 如此清高，[br]那他為什麼要取藝名?

0:02:40.353,0:02:43.850
應用本名 Jonathan Leibowitz[br]以自己的血緣為傲!"

0:02:43.850,0:02:47.275
然後兩年後他又說[br]"我從來沒有

0:02:47.275,0:02:50.959
取笑過 喬恩·史都華 的笨本名[br]我才不會呢 ! "

0:02:50.959,0:02:53.008
然後去年他不實地說

0:02:53.008,0:02:57.148
他拒絕這個 "非常無聊" 的節目的邀請

0:02:57.148,0:03:04.471
他撒這謊是想炫耀啥啊?[br]我們的節目貴賓包含樹懶和小狗

0:03:04.471,0:03:07.453
我們基本上是個[br]有辦公桌的動物園

0:03:07.453,0:03:10.907
但是當我們指出[br]我們從來就沒有邀請過他時

0:03:10.907,0:03:12.681
這是他的回應

0:03:12.681,0:03:15.120
"忽然間我聽大家都在說[br]John Oliver

0:03:15.120,0:03:17.586
我跟我的幕僚問過

0:03:17.586,0:03:19.660
他曾經四、五度邀我上他節目

0:03:19.660,0:03:23.905
我連他是誰我都不知道[br]他長甚麼樣都不知道 "

0:03:23.905,0:03:27.421
一開始我也不期盼川普知道我是誰

0:03:27.421,0:03:30.026
但為了這段節目撥出後[br]他於推特的憤怒文方便

0:03:30.026,0:03:34.486
我可以直接跟他說 :[br]我看起來像在銀行工作的近視鸚鵡

0:03:34.486,0:03:41.140
但其實，如此信心滿滿的謊言[br]還真讓我嚇到了一下

0:03:41.140,0:03:45.013
我甚至向同仁重新確認

0:03:45.013,0:03:49.691
沒有人不小心邀請過他[br]當然結果是沒有

0:03:49.691,0:03:52.287
我真不瞭他知不知道自己在撒謊?

0:03:52.287,0:03:55.567
我認為他根本不在乎真相是甚麼

0:03:55.567,0:04:00.491
川普對待真相就如[br]這隻狐猴對待最高法院態度一樣

0:04:00.491,0:04:05.221
" 我對那鳥事一點都不在乎[br]別吵我，我有隻香蕉要吃 "

0:04:05.221,0:04:10.681
讓我們來看看他第二個優點 :[br]他不受利益團體影響

0:04:10.681,0:04:13.496
他誰也不欠[br]或如他自己說的 :

0:04:13.496,0:04:16.106
" 我自己掏腰包參選[br]我說的是實話 "

0:04:16.106,0:04:17.927
" 你至今競選花了多少款項 ?"

0:04:17.927,0:04:20.181
"喔大概 兩千、兩千五百萬吧"

0:04:20.181,0:04:24.880
我們來想想看，第一[br]"我很有錢所以我說實話"

0:04:24.880,0:04:29.760
邏輯程度大約相當[br]"我吃素所以我武功很強"

0:04:29.760,0:04:32.221
兩者之間並無因果關係

0:04:32.221,0:04:35.254
說實在因果關係[br]通常是與他所說的相反

0:04:35.254,0:04:38.681
雖說他真的沒有企業贊助

0:04:38.681,0:04:42.652
但是說他自掏腰包花了[br]兩千五百萬美金也不太對

0:04:42.652,0:04:47.746
實際上他是借錢[br]給自己的競選基金

0:04:47.746,0:04:54.473
總共 1750 萬[br]他實際出的錢不過 25 萬

0:04:54.473,0:04:56.887
這很重要[br]因為在初選結束前

0:04:56.887,0:05:00.021
他可以把自己借出去的錢[br]用競選基金還回來

0:05:00.021,0:05:03.660
如果你認為借和給是大同小異

0:05:03.660,0:05:08.739
你 "借" 你老婆結婚周年禮物[br]看看下場如何

0:05:08.739,0:05:14.335
川普本人也承認[br]他並不完全自掏腰包

0:05:14.335,0:05:18.201
我競選全部自掏腰包[br]除了那些小額捐款

0:05:18.201,0:05:21.838
像是有小姐捐了$7.59

0:05:21.838,0:05:25.833
總不能把錢寄回去吧[br]那太可愛，太美麗了

0:05:25.833,0:05:28.100
她們會覺得自己[br]有投資於這場選舉中

0:05:28.100,0:05:32.220
他把這講成好像家庭主婦[br]在把零錢塞進紅包裡

0:05:32.220,0:05:36.737
前面寫個 川普收[br]然後他不忍心退回一樣

0:05:36.737,0:05:41.270
事實上他基金的個人捐款[br]已收入高達750萬

0:05:41.270,0:05:46.813
他若不需要別人的錢[br]也許網站不該有兩個 "捐款" 按鈕

0:05:46.813,0:05:50.462
當你要別人的信用卡號時[br]錢就不算是不請自來的

0:05:50.462,0:05:55.808
接下來，有些人覺得他[br]有競爭力，是個硬漢，這怎麼說?

0:05:55.808,0:05:59.133
恩， 如果他真是個硬漢[br]他也太玻璃心了吧

0:05:59.133,0:06:03.693
1988 年 Spy 雜誌形容他為[br]"手指很短的粗魯人"

0:06:03.693,0:06:08.501
從那時起，編輯 Carter[br]沒事就會收到

0:06:08.501,0:06:11.966
川普方面來信[br]內含他的照片

0:06:11.966,0:06:15.441
每一張中的手都被圈起來[br]以示手指長短

0:06:15.441,0:06:20.384
通常附函註解[br]"看吧一點都不短"

0:06:20.384,0:06:27.037
他手指我看來挺普通[br]但是他對這話題敏感程度

0:06:27.037,0:06:31.852
真的有夠好笑[br]更好笑的是那些附函

0:06:31.852,0:06:36.974
據說用金色馬克筆寫的[br]真的有夠川普

0:06:36.974,0:06:42.528
看起來富麗堂皇[br]但只不過是個便宜的爛貨

0:06:42.868,0:06:45.938
[掌聲]

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