Our main story tonight,
and I cannot believe I'm saying this,

is Donald Trump. And I say that --
[crowd boos]

I say that knowing that every time
his name is said out loud,

he has a shattering orgasm.
[laughter here and throughout video]

Look, we have mostly ignored 
Trump on this show,

but he has now won three states,
has been endorsed by Chris Christie,

and polls show him leading
most Super Tuesday states,

which is a big deal. Since 1988,

every candidate who's won the most
states on Super Tuesday

went on to become their party's nominee,
so at this point,

Donald Trump is America's back mole.

It may have seemed harmless a year ago,
but now that it's gotten frighteningly bigger,

it is no longer wise to ignore it.

And I do understand why Trump
supporters might like him.

He's unpredictable and entertaining.

Just look how he went after 
Marco Rubio on Friday.

Did you ever see a guy sweat 
like this? It's Rubio!

[crowd cheering and laughing]

That's objectively funny,

just as it was funny when,
a few years ago, he tweeted,

"I would like to extend my best wishes
to all, even the haters and losers,

"on this special date, September 11th."

He wished haters and losers a happy 9/11.

There is a part of me that even likes 
this guy. It's a part of me I hate,

but it is a part of me. And if you are
someone who's sick of the party establishment,

he might seem like a protest candidate
with some attractive qualities.

Woman: We like him.
He tells it like it is.

He says what he means. 
I honestly believe he's telling the truth.

He's funding his own campaign.
Nobody owns him.

He's aggressive, and he's strong
and he's bold.

I think he's an incredible businessman.

If he runs the country like he runs his
organization, we would be in good shape.

Donald Trump can seem appealing
until you take a closer look.

Much like the lunch buffet at a strip club.

Or the NFL. Or having a pet chimpanzee.

Sure, it seems fun, but someday Coco's
gonna tear your fucking limbs off.

Because let's look at each of those
qualities those people listed.

First, he tells it like it is.
Does he?

Because the website PolitiFact
checked 77 of his statements

and rated 76% of them
as varying degrees of false.

I've witnessed this first-hand: he once
attacked my old boss by tweeting,

"If Jon Stewart is so above it all & legit,
why did he change his name from

"Jonathan Leibowitz? 
He should be proud of his heritage!"

And then two years later wrote,
"I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart

"for his phony last name.
Would never do that!"

And then just last year, he claimed,

falsely, to have turned down an invite to
appear on this "very boring" show.

Who's he trying to impress with that lie?
Our show's guests include sloths and puppies.

We're basically a petting zoo with a desk.

But when we pointed out that he had
never been invited,

this is how he responded:

Trump: All of a sudden I see people saying
that John Oliver --

and I'm saying, John Oliver ...
I checked with my people --

he asked me to be on the show 
four or five times,

and I don't even hardly know who he is.
I wouldn't know what he looks like.

Look, first, I wouldn't expect him 
to know who I was,

although for his inevitable angry tweet
about this segment,

I'll tell him what I look like: I look like
a nearsighted parrot who works at a bank.

But secondly, it was genuinely
destabilizing to be on the receiving end

of a lie that confident. I even checked
to make sure that no one

had even accidentally invited him,
and of course they hadn't.

I'm not even sure he knows he's lying.

I think he just doesn't care about
what the truth is.

Donald Trump views the truth like this
lemur views the Supreme Court vacancy:

I don't care about that in any way.
Please fuck off, I have a banana.

So let's move on to his next selling point,
that he is truly independent,

and not beholden to anyone,
or as he puts it,

I'm self-funding my campaign.
I tell the truth.

Interviewer: How much have you 
spent so far?

Probably 20, 25 million dollars.

OK, let's break that down. First,
"I'm rich, therefore I tell the truth"

has the same internal logic as, "I'm a
vegan, therefore I know karate."

There is no cause and effect 
between those two,

and the correlation usually goes
the other way.

And while it is true that he hasn't taken
corporate money,

the implication that he has personally
spent 20-25 million dollars

is a bit of a stretch, because what he's
actually done is loan his own campaign

17 and a half million dollars, and has just
personally given just $250,000.

And that's important, 
because up until the convention,

he can pay himself back
for the loan with campaign funds.

And if you don't think there's a significant
difference between a gift and a loan,

try giving your spouse an 
anniversary loan and see how that goes.

Even he himself sometimes admits that his
campaign is by no means completely self-funded.

I'm self-funding my campaign. Other than
the little tiny ones where they send in,

women send in, we had a woman, $7
and 59 cents. What do you do?

How can you send the money back?
It's cute. It's beautiful.

They feel invested in your campaign.

He makes it sound like women are stuffing
grimy dollar bills in envelopes,

writing Donald Trump on the front, and he's
just too kind to send them back.

But he's taken in seven and a half million
dollars in individual contributions,

and if he didn't want it, maybe he shouldn't
have had two Donate buttons on his website.

Because money isn't unsolicited when you
have to ask for someone's credit card

expiration date to receive it. So how 
about the claim that he is tough?

Well, again, I'm not sure about that,
because for a tough guy,

he has incredibly thin skin. Back in 1988,
Spy magazine called him

"a short-fingered vulgarian," and ever
since, the editor Graydon Carter says

he receives envelopes from Trump, 
always with a photo on which

he's circled his hand 
to highlight the length of his fingers,

usually with a note reading, 
"See, not so short!"

Look, his fingers seem fine, but the very
fact he's so sensitive about them

is absolutely hilarious. As is the fact
that those notes were apparently written

in gold Sharpie, which is so
quintessentially Donald Trump.

Something that gives the passing appearance
of wealth, but is actually just a cheap tool.

[applause and cheering]

His signature tough talk often involves
lawsuits. He loves to threaten to sue people,

like he did with Rosie O'Donnell.

She said I was bankrupt. 
I never went bankrupt.

So probably I'll sue her,
because it would be fun.

I'd like to take some money 
out of her fat-ass pockets.

Look, of course he needs to take
Rosie O'Donnell to court,

to take money out of her pockets,
because his tiny, tiny fingers

are too short to reach into her wallet.

But he never sued her.
He never sued Rosie O'Donnell.

In fact, he's repeatedly threatened people
with lawsuits and not followed through,

including the rapper Mac Miller,
Lawrence O'Donnell, Vanity Fair,

and an activist who launched a petition
for Macy's to drop Trump's products.

"I'll sue you" is Trump's version
of "Bazinga!"

It doesn't really mean anything, 
but he says it <i>all</i> the time.

But perhaps Trump's biggest selling point
as a candidate is his success,

and where could people get that idea from?

I'm really rich. I actually think I have
the best temperament.

People love me, and you know what?
I've been very successful.

Everybody loves me. I went to an 
Ivy League school,

I'm very highly educated.
I know words, I have the best words.

Oh, please!

Literally the biggest word in the sentence,
"I have the best words," is the word "words."

But it's worth noting, while yes, he has
made more money than most of us

will make in a lifetime, not only did he
get a multi-million-dollar inheritance

from his father, but he's also
lost a huge amount,

and this is where we need to be careful,
because as we've learnt,

he will threaten to sue your fat-ass
pockets with his cocktail sausage fingers

if you talk about his company's
bankruptcies.

So I will just let his own daughter 
describe the state of his finances

at one point in his life:

Daughter: I remember once my father and I
were walking down Fifth Avenue,

and there was a homeless person,
sitting right outside of Trump Tower,

and I remember my father pointing
to him and saying,

"That guy has eight billion dollars
more than me,"

because he was in such extreme debt
at that point, y'know?

And that really shows you the indomitable
spirit of Donald Trump.

To fall to his lowest point, and in that
very moment still find a way

to be kind of a dick to a homeless guy.

Now his campaign claims his current
worth is in excess of 10 billion dollars

-- and they've written it in all caps,
so it must be true --

but others have disputed that figure.
In fact, a book once suggested

that Trump might be worth a mere
150 to 250 million dollars,

which Trump protested by suing the
writer for five billion dollars.

Which is a pretty roundabout way of 
getting half the way to ten billion.

And you should know, for the record,
Trump lost that lawsuit twice,

but I am glad that he sued, if only
because during the deposition,

he explained that his estimate of his
net worth fluctuates based on, and I quote,

"feelings, even my own feelings, and that
can change rapidly from day to day."

Think about that. He claimed that his net
worth changes depending on his mood,

which makes absolutely no sense.

Partly because he always seems
to be in the same mood --

specifically, smug yet gassy --
and interestingly,

a significant portion of his self-valuation
is intangible.

His brand is what he values very much.

On his disclosure form that he's released
it's about 3 billion dollars.

That's what he values his brand at.

Exactly. He values his own name
at 3 billion dollars.

And I'm not saying a name 
can't have value.

It's why people will pay $120 for a plain
white t-shirt that is designed by Kanye West.

They don't want just any white t-shirt,
they want one designed by

a bored sociopath with a finger-free anus.

But 3 billion dollars seems a bit high.
Especially because while Trump has said,

"If I put my name on something,
you know it's gonna be good,"

over the years his name has been on some
things that have arguably been very un-good,

including Trump Shuttle, 
which no longer exists,

Trump Vodka, which was discontinued,
Trump Magazine, which folded,

Trump World Magazine,
which also folded,

Trump University, 
over which he's being sued,

and of course, the travel booking site
GoTrump.com,

whose brief existence was, I imagine,
a real thorn in the side

of anyone hoping GotRump.com featured
a single thing worth masturbating to.

And that's not even mentioning this:

When it comes to great steaks,
I've just raised the stakes.

Trump Steaks are the world's greatest steaks,
and I mean that in every sense of the word.

And the Sharper Image is the only store
where you can buy them.

Not only can you not buy those steaks
any more, but why did he sell them

at the Sharper Image?
That is a weird choice.

I will take a massage chair, 
an indoor waterfall,

and eight and a half pounds
of the finest meat in America.

And sure, every business executive
is bound to have a few missteps,

but Trump's lack of sound financial
instincts is perhaps best exemplified

by the business that he put his name on
back in 2006,

just before the entire
housing market collapsed.

I think it's a great time to start
a mortgage company.

We're gonna have a great company
it's Trump Mortgage,

and trumpmortgage.com, 
and it's gonna be a terrific company.

Yeah, it wasn't.

In fact, starting a mortgage company
in 2006

was one of the worst decisions
you could possibly make.

But I guess you can convince yourself
it was a good idea when you say 30 words,

and 5 of them are great, great,
terrific, Trump and Trump.

And you might say, never mind side
businesses, what he really is, is a builder.

But a building with Trump written on it
is not necessarily owned by him.

He may have just licensed his name to them,

something he claims is actually "better
than ownership ... You don't put up money.

"You don't put up anything."
Spoken like a true builder.

And some of those licensed buildings
sell his reputation hard,

like the sales video for the Trump Ocean
Resort in northern Mexico.

I'm very, very proud of the fact
that when I build,

I have investors that follow me all over.
People ask me, what does Trump stand for

more than anything else? And if I use
one word, it's always "quality."

Right, but it's easy to throw around the
word "quality."

Have you ever stayed at a Quality Inn?

The pillows are stuffed with hair they
fished out of the bathtub drain.

He was never the builder for that project,
which was later abandoned,

leaving would-be condo buyers like 
William Flint who lost $168,000,

feeling understandably betrayed.

Flint: Donald Trump was an expert in
these types of projects, or so we thought.

Announcer: In a deposition for a lawsuit
regarding the property,

Trump's son Donald Trump Jr.
conceded that the Trump brand

could lead people to think a project
was a solid investment.

Man: Is one of the things
that you've learned through this process,

that the Trump name brings stability
and/or viability, to the project?

I don't know if it brings stability or viability
but I imagine certain people feel that.

And <i>that</i> might actually be the most honest
slogan for the Trump campaign.

Trump 2016: I don't know if it brings
stability or viability,

but I imagine certain people feel that.

Not only did investors in that property
sue Donald Trump,

they also did in Trump Tower Tampa,

another project that never got off
the ground, and in both cases,

Trump characteristically deflected blame
onto the developers.

And you would think those investors would
be facing an impossible legal battle,

given Trump's "tough talk."

When I get sued I take it all the way.
Y'know what happens,

if you settle suits you get sued more.
It's true.

I don't settle anything. I don't settle.

Guess what? He settled both those cases.

But the problem is, even when you can
demonstrably prove Trump to be wrong,

it somehow never seems to matter.
You can hold his feet to the fire,

but he'll just stand there on the stumps,
bragging about his fire-proof foot skin.

And that may be because he has spent
decades turning his own name into a brand

synonymous with success and quality,
and he's made himself the mascot

for that brand. Like Ronald McDonald
or Chef Boyardee.

And that is who we have seen,
in The Apprentice, or Wrestlemania,

or Home Alone II. But if he's actually
going to be the Republican nominee,

it's time to stop thinking of the mascot
and start thinking of the man.

Because a candidate for president
needs a coherent set of policies.

Whatever you think about 
Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz,

at least you basically know where they stand.

But Trump's opinions have been 
wildly inconsistent.

He's been pro-choice and pro-life,
for and against assault weapon bans,

in favor of both bringing in Syrian refugees
and deporting them out of the country.

And that inconsistency can be troubling.
Just this morning, for instance,

he was asked about the fact that David Duke,
former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,

had told supporters to vote for him, 
and this was his answer:

Will you unequivocally condemn David Duke
and say that you don't want his vote,

or that of other white supremacists
in this election?

Well, just so you understand, I don't
know anything about David Duke, OK?

I don't know anything about what you're
even talking about with the

white supremacy or white supremacists.
Honestly, I don't know David Duke.

I don't believe I've ever met him,
I'm pretty sure I didn't meet him,

and I just don't know anything about him.

Really. That's your best answer there?
Because you definitely know who he is.

Partly 'cause you called him a bigot
and a racist in the past.

But that's not even the fucking point.
The point is, with an answer like that,

you are either racist, or you are
pretending to be, and at some point

there is no difference there. And sure,
he disavowed David Duke later in the day,

but the scary thing is, we have no way
of knowing which of his inconsistent views

he will hold in office.

Will he stand by his statement that
vaccines are linked to autism?

Or his belief that Mexico 
is sending us rapists?

Oh, and what about that plan he had
to defeat ISIS?

Trump: We're fighting a very
politically correct war.

But the other thing is, with the terrorists,
you have to take out their families.

When you get these terrorists,
you have to take out their families.

They care about their lives,
don't kid yourself.

But they say they don't care about their
lives. You have to take out their families.

That is the front-runner for the Republican
nomination, advocating a war crime.

And he might say he was joking, or he's 
changed his mind about any of these things,

and private individuals are allowed to 
change their minds. We all do it,

but when he's sworn in as president,
on January 20, 2017,

on that day his opinions are going
to matter. And you will remember that date,

'cause it's the one that time travelers
from the future will come back to,

to try and stop the whole thing
from happening.

And listen! I get that the character
of Donald Trump is entertaining,

and that he says things 
that people want to hear,

and I know his very name is powerful.
Just listen to this one supporter

explain what it means to her.
Woman: I was a little girl. I didn't even

know what Trump Towers were, but I knew
that he was a wealthy, successful man.

Somehow, even as a very young kid,
the word "Trump" sorta meant "rich."

It meant "success."

She's not even wrong. 
"Trump" does sound rich.

It's almost onomatopoeic. "Trump" is the
sound produced when a mouthy servant

is slapped across the face with
a wad of thousand-dollar bills.

"Trump" is the sound of a cork popping
on a couple's champagne-iversary.

The day the renovations in the wine cellar
were finally completed.

The very name "Trump" is 
the cornerstone of his brand.

If only there were a way to uncouple
that magical word from the man he really is.

Well guess what? There is.

Because it turns out, the name Trump
was not always his family's name.

One biographer found that a prescient
ancestor had changed it from --

and this is true -- Drumpf.

Yes! Fucking Drumpf!

And Drumpf is much less magical.

It's the sound produced when a morbidly
obese pigeon flies into the window

of a foreclosed Old Navy.
Drumpf!

It's the sound of a bottle of store-brand
rootbeer falling off the shelf

in a gas station mini-mart.
And it may seem weird,

to bring up his ancestral name,
but to quote Donald Trump,

he should be proud of his heritage.
Because Drumpf is much more reflective

of who he actually is. So if you are
thinking of voting for Donald Trump,

the charismatic guy promising
to make America great again,

stop and take a moment to imagine
how you'd feel if you'd just met a guy

named Donald Drumpf. A litigious serial liar
with a string of broken business ventures

and the support of a former Klan leader who
he can't decide whether or not to condemn.

Would you think he would 
make a good president,

or is the spell now somewhat broken?
And that is why tonight,

I'm asking America to make Donald
Drumpf again.

#makedonalddrumpfagain

We've actually filed paperwork
to trademark the name Drumpf,

and incidentally, when we own it,
I will have the best words.

And if you go to donaldjdrumpf.com,
which we own,

you can download a Drumpfinator Chrome
extension which will replace the word Trump

with Drumpf wherever it appears
in your browser,

and you can also buy these Make Donald
Drumpf Again hats,

which we are selling at cost, meaning
we've chosen not to make a profit,

a fact which will probably
irritate Mr. Drumpf

more than anything else I've said tonight.
And if you're thinking,

"Well, that's all great, but I wish there
was a new campaign anthem for Donald Drumpf"

well here it is now!
Here it is right now.

Because listen, we cannot keep getting
blinded by the magic of his name.

We need to see him through fresh eyes, so
please, don't think of him as Donald Trump.

Think of him as something else.

[voices growing louder behind curtain:
Donald Drumpf Donald Drumpf]

And don't vote for him because 
he tells it like it is.

He's a bullshit artist.

Don't vote for him 'cause he's tough.
He's a baby with even smaller fingers.

Don't vote for him because he's a builder.
He's more of a shitty lifestyle brand.

And that is our show!

Mr. Drumpf, I await your lawsuit
in the morning.

I have no doubt that the [place?]
will be signed in gold Sharpie.

Good night.

[cheering]