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Our main story tonight,
and I cannot believe I'm saying this,
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is Donald Trump. And I say that --
[crowd boos]
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I say that knowing that every time
his name is said out loud,
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he has a shattering orgasm.
[laughter here and throughout video]
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Look, we have mostly ignored
Trump on this show,
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but he has now won three states,
has been endorsed by Chris Christie,
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and polls show him leading
most Super Tuesday states,
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which is a big deal. Since 1988,
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every candidate who's won the most
states on Super Tuesday
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went on to become their party's nominee,
so at this point,
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Donald Trump is America's back mole.
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It may have seemed harmless a year ago,
but now that it's gotten frighteningly bigger,
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it is no longer wise to ignore it.
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And I do understand why Trump
supporters might like him.
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He's unpredictable and entertaining.
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Just look how he went after
Marco Rubio on Friday.
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Did you ever see a guy sweat
like this? It's Rubio!
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[crowd cheering and laughing]
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That's objectively funny,
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just as it was funny when,
a few years ago, he tweeted,
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"I would like to extend my best wishes
to all, even the haters and losers,
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"on this special date, September 11th."
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He wished haters and losers a happy 9/11.
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There is a part of me that even likes
this guy. It's a part of me I hate,
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but it is a part of me. And if you are
someone who's sick of the party establishment,
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he might seem like a protest candidate
with some attractive qualities.
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Woman: We like him.
He tells it like it is.
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He says what he means.
I honestly believe he's telling the truth.
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He's funding his own campaign.
Nobody owns him.
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He's aggressive, and he's strong
and he's bold.
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I think he's an incredible businessman.
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If he runs the country like he runs his
organization, we would be in good shape.
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Donald Trump can seem appealing
until you take a closer look.
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Much like the lunch buffet at a strip club.
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Or the NFL. Or having a pet chimpanzee.
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Sure, it seems fun, but someday Coco's
gonna tear your fucking limbs off.
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Because let's look at each of those
qualities those people listed.
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First, he tells it like it is.
Does he?
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Because the website PolitiFact
checked 77 of his statements
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and rated 76% of them
as varying degrees of false.
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I've witnessed this first-hand: he once
attacked my old boss by tweeting,
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"If Jon Stewart is so above it all & legit,
why did he change his name from
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"Jonathan Leibowitz?
He should be proud of his heritage!"
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And then two years later wrote,
"I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart
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"for his phony last name.
Would never do that!"
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And then just last year, he claimed,
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falsely, to have turned down an invite to
appear on this "very boring" show.
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Who's he trying to impress with that lie?
Our show's guests include sloths and puppies.
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We're basically a petting zoo with a desk.
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But when we pointed out that he had
never been invited,
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this is how he responded:
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Trump: All of a sudden I see people saying
that John Oliver --
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and I'm saying, John Oliver ...
I checked with my people --
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he asked me to be on the show
four or five times,
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and I don't even hardly know who he is.
I wouldn't know what he looks like.
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Look, first, I wouldn't expect him
to know who I was,
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although for his inevitable angry tweet
about this segment,
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I'll tell him what I look like: I look like
a nearsighted parrot who works at a bank.
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But secondly, it was genuinely
destabilizing to be on the receiving end
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of a lie that confident. I even checked
to make sure that no one
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had even accidentally invited him,
and of course they hadn't.
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I'm not even sure he knows he's lying.
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I think he just doesn't care about
what the truth is.
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Donald Trump views the truth like this
lemur views the Supreme Court vacancy:
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I don't care about that in any way.
Please fuck off, I have a banana.
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So let's move on to his next selling point,
that he is truly independent,
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and not beholden to anyone,
or as he puts it,
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I'm self-funding my campaign.
I tell the truth.
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Interviewer: How much have you
spent so far?
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Probably 20, 25 million dollars.
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OK, let's break that down. First,
"I'm rich, therefore I tell the truth"
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has the same internal logic as, "I'm a
vegan, therefore I know karate."
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There is no cause and effect
between those two,
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and the correlation usually goes
the other way.
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And while it is true that he hasn't taken
corporate money,
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the implication that he has personally
spent 20-25 million dollars
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is a bit of a stretch, because what he's
actually done is loan his own campaign
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17 and a half million dollars, and has just
personally given just $250,000.
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And that's important,
because up until the convention,
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he can pay himself back
for the loan with campaign funds.
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And if you don't think there's a significant
difference between a gift and a loan,
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try giving your spouse an
anniversary loan and see how that goes.
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Even he himself sometimes admits that his
campaign is by no means completely self-funded.
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I'm self-funding my campaign. Other than
the little tiny ones where they send in,
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women send in, we had a woman, $7
and 59 cents. What do you do?
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How can you send the money back?
It's cute. It's beautiful.
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They feel invested in your campaign.
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He makes it sound like women are stuffing
grimy dollar bills in envelopes,
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writing Donald Trump on the front, and he's
just too kind to send them back.
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But he's taken in seven and a half million
dollars in individual contributions,
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and if he didn't want it, maybe he shouldn't
have had two Donate buttons on his website.
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Because money isn't unsolicited when you
have to ask for someone's credit card
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expiration date to receive it. So how
about the claim that he is tough?
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Well, again, I'm not sure about that,
because for a tough guy,
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he has incredibly thin skin. Back in 1988,
Spy magazine called him
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"a short-fingered vulgarian," and ever
since, the editor Graydon Carter says
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he receives envelopes from Trump,
always with a photo on which
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he's circled his hand
to highlight the length of his fingers,
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usually with a note reading,
"See, not so short!"
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Look, his fingers seem fine, but the very
fact he's so sensitive about them
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is absolutely hilarious. As is the fact
that those notes were apparently written
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in gold Sharpie, which is so
quintessentially Donald Trump.
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Something that gives the passing appearance
of wealth, but is actually just a cheap tool.
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[applause and cheering]
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His signature tough talk often involves
lawsuits. He loves to threaten to sue people,
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like he did with Rosie O'Donnell.
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She said I was bankrupt.
I never went bankrupt.
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So probably I'll sue her,
because it would be fun.
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I'd like to take some money
out of her fat-ass pockets.
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Look, of course he needs to take
Rosie O'Donnell to court,
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to take money out of her pockets,
because his tiny, tiny fingers
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are too short to reach into her wallet.
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But he never sued her.
He never sued Rosie O'Donnell.
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In fact, he's repeatedly threatened people
with lawsuits and not followed through,
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including the rapper Mac Miller,
Lawrence O'Donnell, Vanity Fair,
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and an activist who launched a petition
for Macy's to drop Trump's products.
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"I'll sue you" is Trump's version
of "Bazinga!"
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It doesn't really mean anything,
but he says it all the time.
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But perhaps Trump's biggest selling point
as a candidate is his success,
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and where could people get that idea from?
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I'm really rich. I actually think I have
the best temperament.
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People love me, and you know what?
I've been very successful.
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Everybody loves me. I went to an
Ivy League school,
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I'm very highly educated.
I know words, I have the best words.
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Oh, please!
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Literally the biggest word in the sentence,
"I have the best words," is the word "words."
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But it's worth noting, while yes, he has
made more money than most of us
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will make in a lifetime, not only did he
get a multi-million-dollar inheritance
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from his father, but he's also
lost a huge amount,
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and this is where we need to be careful,
because as we've learnt,
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he will threaten to sue your fat-ass
pockets with his cocktail sausage fingers
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if you talk about his company's
bankruptcies.
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So I will just let his own daughter
describe the state of his finances
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at one point in his life:
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Daughter: I remember once my father and I
were walking down Fifth Avenue,
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and there was a homeless person,
sitting right outside of Trump Tower,
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and I remember my father pointing
to him and saying,
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"That guy has eight billion dollars
more than me,"
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because he was in such extreme debt
at that point, y'know?
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And that really shows you the indomitable
spirit of Donald Trump.
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To fall to his lowest point, and in that
very moment still find a way
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to be kind of a dick to a homeless guy.
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Now his campaign claims his current
worth is in excess of 10 billion dollars
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-- and they've written it in all caps,
so it must be true --
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but others have disputed that figure.
In fact, a book once suggested
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that Trump might be worth a mere
150 to 250 million dollars,
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which Trump protested by suing the
writer for five billion dollars.
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Which is a pretty roundabout way of
getting half the way to ten billion.
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And you should know, for the record,
Trump lost that lawsuit twice,
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but I am glad that he sued, if only
because during the deposition,
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he explained that his estimate of his
net worth fluctuates based on, and I quote,
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"feelings, even my own feelings, and that
can change rapidly from day to day."
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Think about that. He claimed that his net
worth changes depending on his mood,
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which makes absolutely no sense.
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Partly because he always seems
to be in the same mood --
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specifically, smug yet gassy --
and interestingly,
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a significant portion of his self-valuation
is intangible.
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His brand is what he values very much.
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On his disclosure form that he's released
it's about 3 billion dollars.
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That's what he values his brand at.
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Exactly. He values his own name
at 3 billion dollars.
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And I'm not saying a name
can't have value.
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It's why people will pay $120 for a plain
white t-shirt that is designed by Kanye West.
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They don't want just any white t-shirt,
they want one designed by
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a bored sociopath with a finger-free anus.
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But 3 billion dollars seems a bit high.
Especially because while Trump has said,
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"If I put my name on something,
you know it's gonna be good,"
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over the years his name has been on some
things that have arguably been very un-good,
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including Trump Shuttle,
which no longer exists,
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Trump Vodka, which was discontinued,
Trump Magazine, which folded,
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Trump World Magazine,
which also folded,
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Trump University,
over which he's being sued,
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and of course, the travel booking site
GoTrump.com,
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whose brief existence was, I imagine,
a real thorn in the side
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of anyone hoping GotRump.com featured
a single thing worth masturbating to.
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And that's not even mentioning this:
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When it comes to great steaks,
I've just raised the stakes.
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Trump Steaks are the world's greatest steaks,
and I mean that in every sense of the word.
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And the Sharper Image is the only store
where you can buy them.
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Not only can you not buy those steaks
any more, but why did he sell them
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at the Sharper Image?
That is a weird choice.
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I will take a massage chair,
an indoor waterfall,
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and eight and a half pounds
of the finest meat in America.
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And sure, every business executive
is bound to have a few missteps,
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but Trump's lack of sound financial
instincts is perhaps best exemplified
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by the business that he put his name on
back in 2006,
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just before the entire
housing market collapsed.
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I think it's a great time to start
a mortgage company.
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We're gonna have a great company
it's Trump Mortgage,
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and trumpmortgage.com,
and it's gonna be a terrific company.
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Yeah, it wasn't.
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In fact, starting a mortgage company
in 2006
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was one of the worst decisions
you could possibly make.
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But I guess you can convince yourself
it was a good idea when you say 30 words,
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and 5 of them are great, great,
terrific, Trump and Trump.
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And you might say, never mind side
businesses, what he really is, is a builder.
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But a building with Trump written on it
is not necessarily owned by him.
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He may have just licensed his name to them,
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something he claims is actually "better
than ownership ... You don't put up money.
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"You don't put up anything."
Spoken like a true builder.
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And some of those licensed buildings
sell his reputation hard,
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like the sales video for the Trump Ocean
Resort in northern Mexico.
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I'm very, very proud of the fact
that when I build,
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I have investors that follow me all over.
People ask me, what does Trump stand for
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more than anything else? And if I use
one word, it's always "quality."
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Right, but it's easy to throw around the
word "quality."
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Have you ever stayed at a Quality Inn?
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The pillows are stuffed with hair they
fished out of the bathtub drain.
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He was never the builder for that project,
which was later abandoned,
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leaving would-be condo buyers like
William Flint who lost $168,000,
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feeling understandably betrayed.
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Flint: Donald Trump was an expert in
these types of projects, or so we thought.
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Announcer: In a deposition for a lawsuit
regarding the property,
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Trump's son Donald Trump Jr.
conceded that the Trump brand
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could lead people to think a project
was a solid investment.
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Man: Is one of the things
that you've learned through this process,
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that the Trump name brings stability
and/or viability, to the project?
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I don't know if it brings stability or viability
but I imagine certain people feel that.
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And that might actually be the most honest
slogan for the Trump campaign.
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Trump 2016: I don't know if it brings
stability or viability,
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but I imagine certain people feel that.
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Not only did investors in that property
sue Donald Trump,
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they also did in Trump Tower Tampa,
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another project that never got off
the ground, and in both cases,
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Trump characteristically deflected blame
onto the developers.
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And you would think those investors would
be facing an impossible legal battle,
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given Trump's "tough talk."
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When I get sued I take it all the way.
Y'know what happens,
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if you settle suits you get sued more.
It's true.
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I don't settle anything. I don't settle.
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Guess what? He settled both those cases.
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But the problem is, even when you can
demonstrably prove Trump to be wrong,
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it somehow never seems to matter.
You can hold his feet to the fire,
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but he'll just stand there on the stumps,
bragging about his fire-proof foot skin.
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And that may be because he has spent
decades turning his own name into a brand
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synonymous with success and quality,
and he's made himself the mascot
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for that brand. Like Ronald McDonald
or Chef Boyardee.
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And that is who we have seen,
in The Apprentice, or Wrestlemania,
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or Home Alone II. But if he's actually
going to be the Republican nominee,
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it's time to stop thinking of the mascot
and start thinking of the man.
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Because a candidate for president
needs a coherent set of policies.
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Whatever you think about
Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz,
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at least you basically know where they stand.
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But Trump's opinions have been
wildly inconsistent.
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He's been pro-choice and pro-life,
for and against assault weapon bans,
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in favor of both bringing in Syrian refugees
and deporting them out of the country.
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And that inconsistency can be troubling.
Just this morning, for instance,
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he was asked about the fact that David Duke,
former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,
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had told supporters to vote for him,
and this was his answer:
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Will you unequivocally condemn David Duke
and say that you don't want his vote,
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or that of other white supremacists
in this election?
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Well, just so you understand, I don't
know anything about David Duke, OK?
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I don't know anything about what you're
even talking about with the
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white supremacy or white supremacists.
Honestly, I don't know David Duke.
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I don't believe I've ever met him,
I'm pretty sure I didn't meet him,
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and I just don't know anything about him.
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Really. That's your best answer there?
Because you definitely know who he is.
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Partly 'cause you called him a bigot
and a racist in the past.
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But that's not even the fucking point.
The point is, with an answer like that,
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you are either racist, or you are
pretending to be, and at some point
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there is no difference there. And sure,
he disavowed David Duke later in the day,
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but the scary thing is, we have no way
of knowing which of his inconsistent views
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he will hold in office.
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Will he stand by his statement that
vaccines are linked to autism?
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Or his belief that Mexico
is sending us rapists?
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Oh, and what about that plan he had
to defeat ISIS?
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Trump: We're fighting a very
politically correct war.
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But the other thing is, with the terrorists,
you have to take out their families.
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When you get these terrorists,
you have to take out their families.
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They care about their lives,
don't kid yourself.
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But they say they don't care about their
lives. You have to take out their families.
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That is the front-runner for the Republican
nomination, advocating a war crime.
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And he might say he was joking, or he's
changed his mind about any of these things,
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and private individuals are allowed to
change their minds. We all do it,
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but when he's sworn in as president,
on January 20, 2017,
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on that day his opinions are going
to matter. And you will remember that date,
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'cause it's the one that time travelers
from the future will come back to,
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to try and stop the whole thing
from happening.
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And listen! I get that the character
of Donald Trump is entertaining,
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and that he says things
that people want to hear,
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and I know his very name is powerful.
Just listen to this one supporter
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explain what it means to her.
Woman: I was a little girl. I didn't even
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know what Trump Towers were, but I knew
that he was a wealthy, successful man.
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Somehow, even as a very young kid,
the word "Trump" sorta meant "rich."
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It meant "success."
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She's not even wrong.
"Trump" does sound rich.
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It's almost onomatopoeic. "Trump" is the
sound produced when a mouthy servant
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is slapped across the face with
a wad of thousand-dollar bills.
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"Trump" is the sound of a cork popping
on a couple's champagne-iversary.
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The day the renovations in the wine cellar
were finally completed.
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The very name "Trump" is
the cornerstone of his brand.
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If only there were a way to uncouple
that magical word from the man he really is.
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Well guess what? There is.
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Because it turns out, the name Trump
was not always his family's name.
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One biographer found that a prescient
ancestor had changed it from --
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and this is true -- Drumpf.
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Yes! Fucking Drumpf!
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And Drumpf is much less magical.
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It's the sound produced when a morbidly
obese pigeon flies into the window
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00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:19,335
of a foreclosed Old Navy.
Drumpf!
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00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:22,738
It's the sound of a bottle of store-brand
rootbeer falling off the shelf
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in a gas station mini-mart.
And it may seem weird,
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to bring up his ancestral name,
but to quote Donald Trump,
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he should be proud of his heritage.
Because Drumpf is much more reflective
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of who he actually is. So if you are
thinking of voting for Donald Trump,
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the charismatic guy promising
to make America great again,
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00:19:42,709 --> 00:19:47,236
stop and take a moment to imagine
how you'd feel if you'd just met a guy
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named Donald Drumpf. A litigious serial liar
with a string of broken business ventures
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00:19:54,378 --> 00:19:58,675
and the support of a former Klan leader who
he can't decide whether or not to condemn.
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Would you think he would
make a good president,
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or is the spell now somewhat broken?
And that is why tonight,
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I'm asking America to make Donald
Drumpf again.
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00:20:09,177 --> 00:20:12,542
#makedonalddrumpfagain
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We've actually filed paperwork
to trademark the name Drumpf,
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00:20:17,255 --> 00:20:21,641
and incidentally, when we own it,
I will have the best words.
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00:20:21,641 --> 00:20:26,045
And if you go to donaldjdrumpf.com,
which we own,
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00:20:26,045 --> 00:20:30,010
you can download a Drumpfinator Chrome
extension which will replace the word Trump
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00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:33,134
with Drumpf wherever it appears
in your browser,
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00:20:33,134 --> 00:20:37,473
and you can also buy these Make Donald
Drumpf Again hats,
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which we are selling at cost, meaning
we've chosen not to make a profit,
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a fact which will probably
irritate Mr. Drumpf
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more than anything else I've said tonight.
And if you're thinking,
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"Well, that's all great, but I wish there
was a new campaign anthem for Donald Drumpf"
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00:20:51,829 --> 00:20:55,115
well here it is now!
Here it is right now.
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00:20:55,115 --> 00:21:00,822
Because listen, we cannot keep getting
blinded by the magic of his name.
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We need to see him through fresh eyes, so
please, don't think of him as Donald Trump.
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Think of him as something else.
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00:21:08,285 --> 00:21:11,020
[voices growing louder behind curtain:
Donald Drumpf Donald Drumpf]
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00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:12,983
And don't vote for him because
he tells it like it is.
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He's a bullshit artist.
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Don't vote for him 'cause he's tough.
He's a baby with even smaller fingers.
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Don't vote for him because he's a builder.
He's more of a shitty lifestyle brand.
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00:21:27,681 --> 00:21:30,329
And that is our show!
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Mr. Drumpf, I await your lawsuit
in the morning.
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00:21:33,804 --> 00:21:38,750
I have no doubt that the [place?]
will be signed in gold Sharpie.
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Good night.
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00:21:41,204 --> 00:21:43,093
[cheering]