0:00:04.686,0:00:08.280
Our main story tonight,[br]and I cannot believe I'm saying this,

0:00:08.280,0:00:11.358
is Donald Trump. And I say that --[br][crowd boos]

0:00:11.358,0:00:14.254
I say that knowing that every time[br]his name is said out loud,

0:00:14.254,0:00:17.875
he has a shattering orgasm.[br][laughter here and throughout video]

0:00:17.875,0:00:21.336
Look, we have mostly ignored [br]Trump on this show,

0:00:21.336,0:00:24.497
but he has now won three states,[br]has been endorsed by Chris Christie,

0:00:24.497,0:00:27.478
and polls show him leading[br]most Super Tuesday states,

0:00:27.478,0:00:30.130
which is a big deal. Since 1988,

0:00:30.130,0:00:33.027
every candidate who's won the most[br]states on Super Tuesday

0:00:33.027,0:00:36.201
went on to become their party's nominee,[br]so at this point,

0:00:36.201,0:00:39.068
Donald Trump is America's back mole.

0:00:39.068,0:00:44.199
It may have seemed harmless a year ago,[br]but now that it's gotten frighteningly bigger,

0:00:44.199,0:00:47.358
it is no longer wise to ignore it.

0:00:47.358,0:00:50.345
And I do understand why Trump[br]supporters might like him.

0:00:50.345,0:00:52.285
He's unpredictable and entertaining.

0:00:52.285,0:00:55.573
Just look how he went after [br]Marco Rubio on Friday.

0:00:55.573,0:00:59.906
Did you ever see a guy sweat [br]like this? It's Rubio!

0:01:00.216,0:01:03.046
[crowd cheering and laughing]

0:01:11.266,0:01:14.893
That's objectively funny,

0:01:14.893,0:01:17.254
just as it was funny when,[br]a few years ago, he tweeted,

0:01:17.254,0:01:20.854
"I would like to extend my best wishes[br]to all, even the haters and losers,

0:01:20.854,0:01:24.379
"on this special date, September 11th."

0:01:24.379,0:01:27.961
He wished haters and losers a happy 9/11.

0:01:27.961,0:01:32.402
There is a part of me that even likes [br]this guy. It's a part of me I hate,

0:01:32.402,0:01:37.300
but it is a part of me. And if you are[br]someone who's sick of the party establishment,

0:01:37.300,0:01:40.572
he might seem like a protest candidate[br]with some attractive qualities.

0:01:40.572,0:01:43.543
Woman: We like him.[br]He tells it like it is.

0:01:43.543,0:01:47.130
He says what he means. [br]I honestly believe he's telling the truth.

0:01:47.130,0:01:49.558
He's funding his own campaign.[br]Nobody owns him.

0:01:49.558,0:01:52.265
He's aggressive, and he's strong[br]and he's bold.

0:01:52.265,0:01:55.285
I think he's an incredible businessman.

0:01:55.285,0:02:01.056
If he runs the country like he runs his[br]organization, we would be in good shape.

0:02:01.056,0:02:06.161
Donald Trump can seem appealing[br]until you take a closer look.

0:02:06.161,0:02:09.301
Much like the lunch buffet at a strip club.

0:02:09.301,0:02:12.616
Or the NFL. Or having a pet chimpanzee.

0:02:12.616,0:02:17.430
Sure, it seems fun, but someday Coco's[br]gonna tear your fucking limbs off.

0:02:17.430,0:02:21.607
Because let's look at each of those[br]qualities those people listed.

0:02:21.607,0:02:25.300
First, he tells it like it is.[br]Does he?

0:02:25.300,0:02:28.055
Because the website PolitiFact[br]checked 77 of his statements

0:02:28.055,0:02:32.351
and rated 76% of them[br]as varying degrees of false.

0:02:32.351,0:02:36.600
I've witnessed this first-hand: he once[br]attacked my old boss by tweeting,

0:02:36.600,0:02:40.353
"If Jon Stewart is so above it all & legit,[br]why did he change his name from

0:02:40.353,0:02:43.850
"Jonathan Leibowitz? [br]He should be proud of his heritage!"

0:02:43.850,0:02:47.275
And then two years later wrote,[br]"I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart

0:02:47.275,0:02:50.959
"for his phony last name.[br]Would never do that!"

0:02:50.959,0:02:53.008
And then just last year, he claimed,

0:02:53.008,0:02:57.148
falsely, to have turned down an invite to[br]appear on this "very boring" show.

0:02:57.148,0:03:04.471
Who's he trying to impress with that lie?[br]Our show's guests include sloths and puppies.

0:03:04.471,0:03:07.453
We're basically a petting zoo with a desk.

0:03:07.453,0:03:10.907
But when we pointed out that he had[br]never been invited,

0:03:10.907,0:03:12.681
this is how he responded:

0:03:12.681,0:03:15.120
Trump: All of a sudden I see people saying[br]that John Oliver --

0:03:15.120,0:03:17.586
and I'm saying, John Oliver ...[br]I checked with my people --

0:03:17.586,0:03:19.660
he asked me to be on the show [br]four or five times,

0:03:19.660,0:03:23.905
and I don't even hardly know who he is.[br]I wouldn't know what he looks like.

0:03:23.905,0:03:27.421
Look, first, I wouldn't expect him [br]to know who I was,

0:03:27.421,0:03:30.026
although for his inevitable angry tweet[br]about this segment,

0:03:30.026,0:03:34.486
I'll tell him what I look like: I look like[br]a nearsighted parrot who works at a bank.

0:03:34.486,0:03:41.140
But secondly, it was genuinely[br]destabilizing to be on the receiving end

0:03:41.140,0:03:45.013
of a lie that confident. I even checked[br]to make sure that no one

0:03:45.013,0:03:49.691
had even accidentally invited him,[br]and of course they hadn't.

0:03:49.691,0:03:52.287
I'm not even sure he knows he's lying.

0:03:52.287,0:03:55.567
I think he just doesn't care about[br]what the truth is.

0:03:55.567,0:04:00.491
Donald Trump views the truth like this[br]lemur views the Supreme Court vacancy:

0:04:00.491,0:04:05.221
I don't care about that in any way.[br]Please fuck off, I have a banana.

0:04:05.221,0:04:10.681
So let's move on to his next selling point,[br]that he is truly independent,

0:04:10.681,0:04:13.496
and not beholden to anyone,[br]or as he puts it,

0:04:13.496,0:04:16.106
I'm self-funding my campaign.[br]I tell the truth.

0:04:16.106,0:04:17.927
Interviewer: How much have you [br]spent so far?

0:04:17.927,0:04:20.181
Probably 20, 25 million dollars.

0:04:20.181,0:04:24.880
OK, let's break that down. First,[br]"I'm rich, therefore I tell the truth"

0:04:24.880,0:04:29.760
has the same internal logic as, "I'm a[br]vegan, therefore I know karate."

0:04:29.760,0:04:32.221
There is no cause and effect [br]between those two,

0:04:32.221,0:04:35.254
and the correlation usually goes[br]the other way.

0:04:35.254,0:04:38.681
And while it is true that he hasn't taken[br]corporate money,

0:04:38.681,0:04:42.652
the implication that he has personally[br]spent 20-25 million dollars

0:04:42.652,0:04:47.746
is a bit of a stretch, because what he's[br]actually done is loan his own campaign

0:04:47.746,0:04:54.473
17 and a half million dollars, and has just[br]personally given just $250,000.

0:04:54.473,0:04:56.887
And that's important, [br]because up until the convention,

0:04:56.887,0:05:00.021
he can pay himself back[br]for the loan with campaign funds.

0:05:00.021,0:05:03.660
And if you don't think there's a significant[br]difference between a gift and a loan,

0:05:03.660,0:05:08.739
try giving your spouse an [br]anniversary loan and see how that goes.

0:05:08.739,0:05:14.335
Even he himself sometimes admits that his[br]campaign is by no means completely self-funded.

0:05:14.335,0:05:18.201
I'm self-funding my campaign. Other than[br]the little tiny ones where they send in,

0:05:18.201,0:05:21.838
women send in, we had a woman, $7[br]and 59 cents. What do you do?

0:05:21.838,0:05:25.833
How can you send the money back?[br]It's cute. It's beautiful.

0:05:25.833,0:05:28.100
They feel invested in your campaign.

0:05:28.100,0:05:32.220
He makes it sound like women are stuffing[br]grimy dollar bills in envelopes,

0:05:32.220,0:05:36.737
writing Donald Trump on the front, and he's[br]just too kind to send them back.

0:05:36.737,0:05:41.270
But he's taken in seven and a half million[br]dollars in individual contributions,

0:05:41.270,0:05:46.813
and if he didn't want it, maybe he shouldn't[br]have had two Donate buttons on his website.

0:05:46.813,0:05:50.462
Because money isn't unsolicited when you[br]have to ask for someone's credit card

0:05:50.462,0:05:55.808
expiration date to receive it. So how [br]about the claim that he is tough?

0:05:55.808,0:05:59.133
Well, again, I'm not sure about that,[br]because for a tough guy,

0:05:59.133,0:06:03.693
he has incredibly thin skin. Back in 1988,[br]Spy magazine called him

0:06:03.693,0:06:08.501
"a short-fingered vulgarian," and ever[br]since, the editor Graydon Carter says

0:06:08.501,0:06:11.966
he receives envelopes from Trump, [br]always with a photo on which

0:06:11.966,0:06:15.441
he's circled his hand [br]to highlight the length of his fingers,

0:06:15.441,0:06:20.384
usually with a note reading, [br]"See, not so short!"

0:06:20.384,0:06:27.037
Look, his fingers seem fine, but the very[br]fact he's so sensitive about them

0:06:27.037,0:06:31.852
is absolutely hilarious. As is the fact[br]that those notes were apparently written

0:06:31.852,0:06:36.974
in gold Sharpie, which is so[br]quintessentially Donald Trump.

0:06:36.974,0:06:42.528
Something that gives the passing appearance[br]of wealth, but is actually just a cheap tool.

0:06:42.868,0:06:45.938
[applause and cheering]

0:06:46.707,0:06:51.892
His signature tough talk often involves[br]lawsuits. He loves to threaten to sue people,

0:06:51.892,0:06:53.781
like he did with Rosie O'Donnell.

0:06:53.781,0:06:56.364
She said I was bankrupt. [br]I never went bankrupt.

0:06:56.364,0:06:59.788
So probably I'll sue her,[br]because it would be fun.

0:06:59.788,0:07:03.255
I'd like to take some money [br]out of her fat-ass pockets.

0:07:03.255,0:07:07.808
Look, of course he needs to take[br]Rosie O'Donnell to court,

0:07:07.808,0:07:10.940
to take money out of her pockets,[br]because his tiny, tiny fingers

0:07:10.940,0:07:14.018
are too short to reach into her wallet.

0:07:14.018,0:07:18.092
But he never sued her.[br]He never sued Rosie O'Donnell.

0:07:18.092,0:07:21.812
In fact, he's repeatedly threatened people[br]with lawsuits and not followed through,

0:07:21.812,0:07:26.217
including the rapper Mac Miller,[br]Lawrence O'Donnell, Vanity Fair,

0:07:26.217,0:07:30.659
and an activist who launched a petition[br]for Macy's to drop Trump's products.

0:07:30.659,0:07:34.463
"I'll sue you" is Trump's version[br]of "Bazinga!"

0:07:34.463,0:07:38.210
It doesn't really mean anything, [br]but he says it <i>all</i> the time.

0:07:38.210,0:07:42.244
But perhaps Trump's biggest selling point[br]as a candidate is his success,

0:07:42.244,0:07:44.929
and where could people get that idea from?

0:07:44.929,0:07:48.302
I'm really rich. I actually think I have[br]the best temperament.

0:07:48.302,0:07:51.037
People love me, and you know what?[br]I've been very successful.

0:07:51.037,0:07:54.043
Everybody loves me. I went to an [br]Ivy League school,

0:07:54.043,0:07:58.619
I'm very highly educated.[br]I know words, I have the best words.

0:08:01.929,0:08:04.217
Oh, please!

0:08:04.434,0:08:11.380
Literally the biggest word in the sentence,[br]"I have the best words," is the word "words."

0:08:11.380,0:08:15.316
But it's worth noting, while yes, he has[br]made more money than most of us

0:08:15.316,0:08:19.184
will make in a lifetime, not only did he[br]get a multi-million-dollar inheritance

0:08:19.184,0:08:22.341
from his father, but he's also[br]lost a huge amount,

0:08:22.341,0:08:26.339
and this is where we need to be careful,[br]because as we've learnt,

0:08:26.339,0:08:30.913
he will threaten to sue your fat-ass[br]pockets with his cocktail sausage fingers

0:08:30.913,0:08:34.860
if you talk about his company's[br]bankruptcies.

0:08:34.860,0:08:38.646
So I will just let his own daughter [br]describe the state of his finances

0:08:38.646,0:08:40.477
at one point in his life:

0:08:40.477,0:08:43.699
Daughter: I remember once my father and I[br]were walking down Fifth Avenue,

0:08:43.699,0:08:49.401
and there was a homeless person,[br]sitting right outside of Trump Tower,

0:08:49.401,0:08:51.960
and I remember my father pointing[br]to him and saying,

0:08:51.960,0:08:55.455
"That guy has eight billion dollars[br]more than me,"

0:08:55.455,0:08:59.071
because he was in such extreme debt[br]at that point, y'know?

0:08:59.071,0:09:03.701
And that really shows you the indomitable[br]spirit of Donald Trump.

0:09:03.701,0:09:07.736
To fall to his lowest point, and in that[br]very moment still find a way

0:09:07.736,0:09:11.187
to be kind of a dick to a homeless guy.

0:09:11.187,0:09:16.511
Now his campaign claims his current[br]worth is in excess of 10 billion dollars

0:09:16.511,0:09:19.828
-- and they've written it in all caps,[br]so it must be true --

0:09:19.828,0:09:23.220
but others have disputed that figure.[br]In fact, a book once suggested

0:09:23.220,0:09:27.497
that Trump might be worth a mere[br]150 to 250 million dollars,

0:09:27.497,0:09:32.472
which Trump protested by suing the[br]writer for five billion dollars.

0:09:32.472,0:09:36.356
Which is a pretty roundabout way of [br]getting half the way to ten billion.

0:09:36.356,0:09:39.972
And you should know, for the record,[br]Trump lost that lawsuit twice,

0:09:39.972,0:09:43.963
but I am glad that he sued, if only[br]because during the deposition,

0:09:43.963,0:09:48.490
he explained that his estimate of his[br]net worth fluctuates based on, and I quote,

0:09:48.490,0:09:55.053
"feelings, even my own feelings, and that[br]can change rapidly from day to day."

0:09:55.053,0:09:59.517
Think about that. He claimed that his net[br]worth changes depending on his mood,

0:09:59.517,0:10:02.207
which makes absolutely no sense.

0:10:02.207,0:10:04.881
Partly because he always seems[br]to be in the same mood --

0:10:04.881,0:10:10.117
specifically, smug yet gassy --[br]and interestingly,

0:10:10.117,0:10:15.750
a significant portion of his self-valuation[br]is intangible.

0:10:15.750,0:10:19.141
His brand is what he values very much.

0:10:19.141,0:10:23.395
On his disclosure form that he's released[br]it's about 3 billion dollars.

0:10:23.395,0:10:25.357
That's what he values his brand at.

0:10:25.357,0:10:29.617
Exactly. He values his own name[br]at 3 billion dollars.

0:10:29.617,0:10:32.193
And I'm not saying a name [br]can't have value.

0:10:32.193,0:10:37.666
It's why people will pay $120 for a plain[br]white t-shirt that is designed by Kanye West.

0:10:37.666,0:10:40.655
They don't want just any white t-shirt,[br]they want one designed by

0:10:40.655,0:10:45.160
a bored sociopath with a finger-free anus.

0:10:45.160,0:10:51.000
But 3 billion dollars seems a bit high.[br]Especially because while Trump has said,

0:10:51.000,0:10:54.982
"If I put my name on something,[br]you know it's gonna be good,"

0:10:54.982,0:11:00.751
over the years his name has been on some[br]things that have arguably been very un-good,

0:11:00.751,0:11:03.386
including Trump Shuttle, [br]which no longer exists,

0:11:03.386,0:11:07.236
Trump Vodka, which was discontinued,[br]Trump Magazine, which folded,

0:11:07.236,0:11:09.563
Trump World Magazine,[br]which also folded,

0:11:09.563,0:11:11.788
Trump University, [br]over which he's being sued,

0:11:11.788,0:11:15.055
and of course, the travel booking site[br]GoTrump.com,

0:11:15.055,0:11:18.350
whose brief existence was, I imagine,[br]a real thorn in the side

0:11:18.350,0:11:24.739
of anyone hoping GotRump.com featured[br]a single thing worth masturbating to.

0:11:24.739,0:11:27.499
And that's not even mentioning this:

0:11:27.499,0:11:31.885
When it comes to great steaks,[br]I've just raised the stakes.

0:11:31.885,0:11:36.838
Trump Steaks are the world's greatest steaks,[br]and I mean that in every sense of the word.

0:11:36.838,0:11:40.918
And the Sharper Image is the only store[br]where you can buy them.

0:11:40.918,0:11:46.373
Not only can you not buy those steaks[br]any more, but why did he sell them

0:11:46.373,0:11:50.509
at the Sharper Image?[br]That is a weird choice.

0:11:50.509,0:11:53.561
I will take a massage chair, [br]an indoor waterfall,

0:11:53.561,0:11:57.910
and eight and a half pounds[br]of the finest meat in America.

0:11:57.910,0:12:01.574
And sure, every business executive[br]is bound to have a few missteps,

0:12:01.574,0:12:04.995
but Trump's lack of sound financial[br]instincts is perhaps best exemplified

0:12:04.995,0:12:08.735
by the business that he put his name on[br]back in 2006,

0:12:08.735,0:12:12.647
just before the entire[br]housing market collapsed.

0:12:12.647,0:12:15.371
I think it's a great time to start[br]a mortgage company.

0:12:15.371,0:12:17.867
We're gonna have a great company[br]it's Trump Mortgage,

0:12:17.867,0:12:21.201
and trumpmortgage.com, [br]and it's gonna be a terrific company.

0:12:21.201,0:12:23.479
Yeah, it wasn't.

0:12:23.479,0:12:27.114
In fact, starting a mortgage company[br]in 2006

0:12:27.114,0:12:29.739
was one of the worst decisions[br]you could possibly make.

0:12:29.739,0:12:33.849
But I guess you can convince yourself[br]it was a good idea when you say 30 words,

0:12:33.849,0:12:38.876
and 5 of them are great, great,[br]terrific, Trump and Trump.

0:12:38.876,0:12:43.553
And you might say, never mind side[br]businesses, what he really is, is a builder.

0:12:43.553,0:12:47.501
But a building with Trump written on it[br]is not necessarily owned by him.

0:12:47.501,0:12:50.141
He may have just licensed his name to them,

0:12:50.141,0:12:54.441
something he claims is actually "better[br]than ownership ... You don't put up money.

0:12:54.441,0:12:58.851
"You don't put up anything."[br]Spoken like a true builder.

0:12:58.851,0:13:03.881
And some of those licensed buildings[br]sell his reputation hard,

0:13:03.881,0:13:07.472
like the sales video for the Trump Ocean[br]Resort in northern Mexico.

0:13:07.472,0:13:10.714
I'm very, very proud of the fact[br]that when I build,

0:13:10.714,0:13:15.808
I have investors that follow me all over.[br]People ask me, what does Trump stand for

0:13:15.808,0:13:20.380
more than anything else? And if I use[br]one word, it's always "quality."

0:13:20.380,0:13:23.953
Right, but it's easy to throw around the[br]word "quality."

0:13:23.953,0:13:27.056
Have you ever stayed at a Quality Inn?

0:13:27.056,0:13:30.992
The pillows are stuffed with hair they[br]fished out of the bathtub drain.

0:13:30.992,0:13:34.817
He was never the builder for that project,[br]which was later abandoned,

0:13:34.817,0:13:39.436
leaving would-be condo buyers like [br]William Flint who lost $168,000,

0:13:39.436,0:13:41.923
feeling understandably betrayed.

0:13:41.923,0:13:46.693
Flint: Donald Trump was an expert in[br]these types of projects, or so we thought.

0:13:46.693,0:13:49.399
Announcer: In a deposition for a lawsuit[br]regarding the property,

0:13:49.399,0:13:53.364
Trump's son Donald Trump Jr.[br]conceded that the Trump brand

0:13:53.364,0:13:56.455
could lead people to think a project[br]was a solid investment.

0:13:56.455,0:14:00.161
Man: Is one of the things[br]that you've learned through this process,

0:14:00.161,0:14:05.531
that the Trump name brings stability[br]and/or viability, to the project?

0:14:05.531,0:14:11.029
I don't know if it brings stability or viability[br]but I imagine certain people feel that.

0:14:11.029,0:14:16.519
And <i>that</i> might actually be the most honest[br]slogan for the Trump campaign.

0:14:16.519,0:14:20.056
Trump 2016: I don't know if it brings[br]stability or viability,

0:14:20.056,0:14:24.681
but I imagine certain people feel that.

0:14:24.831,0:14:28.796
Not only did investors in that property[br]sue Donald Trump,

0:14:28.796,0:14:31.159
they also did in Trump Tower Tampa,

0:14:31.159,0:14:34.008
another project that never got off[br]the ground, and in both cases,

0:14:34.008,0:14:37.320
Trump characteristically deflected blame[br]onto the developers.

0:14:37.320,0:14:41.969
And you would think those investors would[br]be facing an impossible legal battle,

0:14:41.969,0:14:44.173
given Trump's "tough talk."

0:14:44.173,0:14:47.941
When I get sued I take it all the way.[br]Y'know what happens,

0:14:47.941,0:14:51.405
if you settle suits you get sued more.[br]It's true.

0:14:51.405,0:14:53.436
I don't settle anything. I don't settle.

0:14:53.436,0:14:56.515
Guess what? He settled both those cases.

0:14:56.515,0:15:00.441
But the problem is, even when you can[br]demonstrably prove Trump to be wrong,

0:15:00.441,0:15:03.590
it somehow never seems to matter.[br]You can hold his feet to the fire,

0:15:03.590,0:15:08.126
but he'll just stand there on the stumps,[br]bragging about his fire-proof foot skin.

0:15:08.126,0:15:13.660
And that may be because he has spent[br]decades turning his own name into a brand

0:15:13.660,0:15:18.212
synonymous with success and quality,[br]and he's made himself the mascot

0:15:18.212,0:15:21.756
for that brand. Like Ronald McDonald[br]or Chef Boyardee.

0:15:21.756,0:15:25.975
And that is who we have seen,[br]in The Apprentice, or Wrestlemania,

0:15:25.975,0:15:31.105
or Home Alone II. But if he's actually[br]going to be the Republican nominee,

0:15:31.105,0:15:34.860
it's time to stop thinking of the mascot[br]and start thinking of the man.

0:15:34.860,0:15:38.679
Because a candidate for president[br]needs a coherent set of policies.

0:15:38.679,0:15:41.572
Whatever you think about [br]Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz,

0:15:41.572,0:15:44.125
at least you basically know where they stand.

0:15:44.125,0:15:47.402
But Trump's opinions have been [br]wildly inconsistent.

0:15:47.402,0:15:51.688
He's been pro-choice and pro-life,[br]for and against assault weapon bans,

0:15:51.688,0:15:57.372
in favor of both bringing in Syrian refugees[br]and deporting them out of the country.

0:15:57.372,0:16:00.757
And that inconsistency can be troubling.[br]Just this morning, for instance,

0:16:00.757,0:16:05.901
he was asked about the fact that David Duke,[br]former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,

0:16:05.901,0:16:09.345
had told supporters to vote for him, [br]and this was his answer:

0:16:09.345,0:16:12.747
Will you unequivocally condemn David Duke[br]and say that you don't want his vote,

0:16:12.747,0:16:16.149
or that of other white supremacists[br]in this election?

0:16:16.149,0:16:20.669
Well, just so you understand, I don't[br]know anything about David Duke, OK?

0:16:20.669,0:16:23.509
I don't know anything about what you're[br]even talking about with the

0:16:23.509,0:16:27.283
white supremacy or white supremacists.[br]Honestly, I don't know David Duke.

0:16:27.283,0:16:30.218
I don't believe I've ever met him,[br]I'm pretty sure I didn't meet him,

0:16:30.218,0:16:32.360
and I just don't know anything about him.

0:16:32.360,0:16:37.956
Really. That's your best answer there?[br]Because you definitely know who he is.

0:16:37.956,0:16:41.823
Partly 'cause you called him a bigot[br]and a racist in the past.

0:16:41.823,0:16:45.770
But that's not even the fucking point.[br]The point is, with an answer like that,

0:16:45.770,0:16:49.779
you are either racist, or you are[br]pretending to be, and at some point

0:16:49.779,0:16:54.402
there is no difference there. And sure,[br]he disavowed David Duke later in the day,

0:16:54.402,0:16:59.304
but the scary thing is, we have no way[br]of knowing which of his inconsistent views

0:16:59.304,0:17:00.988
he will hold in office.

0:17:00.988,0:17:04.508
Will he stand by his statement that[br]vaccines are linked to autism?

0:17:04.508,0:17:07.470
Or his belief that Mexico [br]is sending us rapists?

0:17:07.470,0:17:11.189
Oh, and what about that plan he had[br]to defeat ISIS?

0:17:11.189,0:17:13.725
Trump: We're fighting a very[br]politically correct war.

0:17:13.725,0:17:17.607
But the other thing is, with the terrorists,[br]you have to take out their families.

0:17:17.607,0:17:20.895
When you get these terrorists,[br]you have to take out their families.

0:17:20.895,0:17:23.509
They care about their lives,[br]don't kid yourself.

0:17:23.509,0:17:27.407
But they say they don't care about their[br]lives. You have to take out their families.

0:17:27.407,0:17:33.379
That is the front-runner for the Republican[br]nomination, advocating a war crime.

0:17:33.379,0:17:37.201
And he might say he was joking, or he's [br]changed his mind about any of these things,

0:17:37.201,0:17:40.462
and private individuals are allowed to [br]change their minds. We all do it,

0:17:40.462,0:17:45.056
but when he's sworn in as president,[br]on January 20, 2017,

0:17:45.056,0:17:50.153
on that day his opinions are going[br]to matter. And you will remember that date,

0:17:50.153,0:17:53.360
'cause it's the one that time travelers[br]from the future will come back to,

0:17:53.360,0:17:57.497
to try and stop the whole thing[br]from happening.

0:17:57.497,0:18:03.641
And listen! I get that the character[br]of Donald Trump is entertaining,

0:18:03.641,0:18:05.905
and that he says things [br]that people want to hear,

0:18:05.905,0:18:09.725
and I know his very name is powerful.[br]Just listen to this one supporter

0:18:09.725,0:18:13.670
explain what it means to her.[br]Woman: I was a little girl. I didn't even

0:18:13.670,0:18:18.526
know what Trump Towers were, but I knew[br]that he was a wealthy, successful man.

0:18:18.526,0:18:22.953
Somehow, even as a very young kid,[br]the word "Trump" sorta meant "rich."

0:18:22.953,0:18:24.435
It meant "success."

0:18:24.435,0:18:26.847
She's not even wrong. [br]"Trump" does sound rich.

0:18:26.847,0:18:30.961
It's almost onomatopoeic. "Trump" is the[br]sound produced when a mouthy servant

0:18:30.961,0:18:34.353
is slapped across the face with[br]a wad of thousand-dollar bills.

0:18:34.353,0:18:38.670
"Trump" is the sound of a cork popping[br]on a couple's champagne-iversary.

0:18:38.670,0:18:42.447
The day the renovations in the wine cellar[br]were finally completed.

0:18:42.447,0:18:45.646
The very name "Trump" is [br]the cornerstone of his brand.

0:18:45.646,0:18:51.133
If only there were a way to uncouple[br]that magical word from the man he really is.

0:18:51.133,0:18:53.661
Well guess what? There is.

0:18:53.661,0:18:57.867
Because it turns out, the name Trump[br]was not always his family's name.

0:18:57.867,0:19:01.701
One biographer found that a prescient[br]ancestor had changed it from --

0:19:01.701,0:19:04.333
and this is true -- Drumpf.

0:19:04.333,0:19:08.120
Yes! Fucking Drumpf!

0:19:08.120,0:19:11.375
And Drumpf is much less magical.

0:19:11.375,0:19:16.276
It's the sound produced when a morbidly[br]obese pigeon flies into the window

0:19:16.276,0:19:19.335
of a foreclosed Old Navy.[br]Drumpf!

0:19:19.335,0:19:22.738
It's the sound of a bottle of store-brand[br]rootbeer falling off the shelf

0:19:22.738,0:19:25.815
in a gas station mini-mart.[br]And it may seem weird,

0:19:25.815,0:19:29.796
to bring up his ancestral name,[br]but to quote Donald Trump,

0:19:29.796,0:19:35.008
he should be proud of his heritage.[br]Because Drumpf is much more reflective

0:19:35.008,0:19:39.382
of who he actually is. So if you are[br]thinking of voting for Donald Trump,

0:19:39.382,0:19:42.709
the charismatic guy promising[br]to make America great again,

0:19:42.709,0:19:47.236
stop and take a moment to imagine[br]how you'd feel if you'd just met a guy

0:19:47.236,0:19:54.378
named Donald Drumpf. A litigious serial liar[br]with a string of broken business ventures

0:19:54.378,0:19:58.675
and the support of a former Klan leader who[br]he can't decide whether or not to condemn.

0:19:58.675,0:20:01.547
Would you think he would [br]make a good president,

0:20:01.547,0:20:05.401
or is the spell now somewhat broken?[br]And that is why tonight,

0:20:05.401,0:20:09.177
I'm asking America to make Donald[br]Drumpf again.

0:20:09.177,0:20:12.542
#makedonalddrumpfagain

0:20:12.542,0:20:17.255
We've actually filed paperwork[br]to trademark the name Drumpf,

0:20:17.255,0:20:21.641
and incidentally, when we own it,[br]I will have the best words.

0:20:21.641,0:20:26.045
And if you go to donaldjdrumpf.com,[br]which we own,

0:20:26.045,0:20:30.010
you can download a Drumpfinator Chrome[br]extension which will replace the word Trump

0:20:30.010,0:20:33.134
with Drumpf wherever it appears[br]in your browser,

0:20:33.134,0:20:37.473
and you can also buy these Make Donald[br]Drumpf Again hats,

0:20:37.473,0:20:41.954
which we are selling at cost, meaning[br]we've chosen not to make a profit,

0:20:41.954,0:20:44.435
a fact which will probably[br]irritate Mr. Drumpf

0:20:44.435,0:20:47.721
more than anything else I've said tonight.[br]And if you're thinking,

0:20:47.721,0:20:51.829
"Well, that's all great, but I wish there[br]was a new campaign anthem for Donald Drumpf"

0:20:51.829,0:20:55.115
well here it is now![br]Here it is right now.

0:20:55.115,0:21:00.822
Because listen, we cannot keep getting[br]blinded by the magic of his name.

0:21:00.822,0:21:05.933
We need to see him through fresh eyes, so[br]please, don't think of him as Donald Trump.

0:21:05.933,0:21:08.285
Think of him as something else.

0:21:08.285,0:21:11.020
[voices growing louder behind curtain:[br]Donald Drumpf Donald Drumpf]

0:21:11.020,0:21:12.983
And don't vote for him because [br]he tells it like it is.

0:21:12.983,0:21:15.068
He's a bullshit artist.

0:21:15.068,0:21:20.613
Don't vote for him 'cause he's tough.[br]He's a baby with even smaller fingers.

0:21:20.613,0:21:26.806
Don't vote for him because he's a builder.[br]He's more of a shitty lifestyle brand.

0:21:27.681,0:21:30.329
And that is our show!

0:21:30.628,0:21:33.804
Mr. Drumpf, I await your lawsuit[br]in the morning.

0:21:33.804,0:21:38.750
I have no doubt that the [place?][br]will be signed in gold Sharpie.

0:21:38.750,0:21:40.493
Good night.

0:21:41.204,0:21:43.093
[cheering]