WEBVTT 00:00:03.620 --> 00:00:04.863 So, I'll start with this. 00:00:04.863 --> 00:00:07.276 A couple of years ago, an event planner called me 00:00:07.276 --> 00:00:09.550 because I was going to do a speaking event, 00:00:09.550 --> 00:00:10.694 and she called and said: 00:00:10.694 --> 00:00:14.089 "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer." 00:00:14.089 --> 00:00:16.039 I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:18.718 and she said: "Well, I saw you speak, 00:00:18.718 --> 00:00:21.297 and I am going to call you a researcher, I think, 00:00:21.297 --> 00:00:24.184 but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come 00:00:24.184 --> 00:00:27.244 because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." (Laughter) 00:00:27.864 --> 00:00:29.080 And I was like "OK." 00:00:29.080 --> 00:00:31.390 She said: "But the thing I liked about your talk 00:00:31.390 --> 00:00:33.320 is that you're a storyteller. 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:36.330 So I think what I'll do is call you a storyteller." 00:00:36.330 --> 00:00:39.629 And of course the academic, insecure part of me was like, 00:00:39.629 --> 00:00:41.798 "You're going to call me a what?" (Laughter) 00:00:41.798 --> 00:00:44.530 And she said: "I'm going to call you a storyteller." 00:00:44.530 --> 00:00:49.169 And I was like, "Oh, why not magic pixie?" (Laughter) 00:00:49.169 --> 00:00:52.860 I was like: "Let me think about this for a second." 00:00:52.860 --> 00:00:56.069 And so, I tried to call deep on my courage 00:00:56.069 --> 00:00:57.660 and I thought, 00:00:57.660 --> 00:01:00.819 "You know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. 00:01:00.819 --> 00:01:03.059 I collect stories; that's what I do. 00:01:03.059 --> 00:01:07.926 Maybe stories are just data with a soul, and maybe I'm just a storyteller." 00:01:08.606 --> 00:01:09.949 So I said: "You know what? 00:01:09.949 --> 00:01:12.476 Why don't you just say I'm a researcher storyteller." 00:01:12.476 --> 00:01:16.623 And she went, "Ha ha! There's no such a thing." 00:01:16.623 --> 00:01:18.250 (Laughter) 00:01:18.250 --> 00:01:22.150 So I'm a researcher storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today 00:01:22.174 --> 00:01:24.512 - we're talking about expanding perception - 00:01:24.512 --> 00:01:27.327 and so I want to talk to you and tell you some stories 00:01:27.327 --> 00:01:31.912 about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception 00:01:31.912 --> 00:01:36.719 and really actually changed the way that I live, love, work, and parent. 00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:39.640 And this is where my story starts. 00:01:39.640 --> 00:01:42.389 When I was a young researcher, a doctoral student, 00:01:42.389 --> 00:01:44.880 my first year I had a research professor 00:01:44.880 --> 00:01:47.970 who, on one of his first days of class, he said to us: 00:01:47.970 --> 00:01:52.646 "Here's the thing. If you cannot measure it, it doesn't exist." 00:01:53.852 --> 00:01:55.909 And I thought he was just sweet-talking me, 00:01:55.909 --> 00:01:58.720 I was like, "Really?" And he was like, "Absolutely." 00:01:58.720 --> 00:02:02.816 And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in Social Work, 00:02:03.006 --> 00:02:06.472 a Master's in Social Work, and I was getting my PhD in Social Work, 00:02:06.472 --> 00:02:09.481 so my entire academic career was surrounded by people 00:02:09.481 --> 00:02:13.670 who kind of believed in the "Life is messy; love it." 00:02:14.262 --> 00:02:18.760 And I'm more of the "Life's messy, clean it up," (Laughter) 00:02:18.760 --> 00:02:21.633 organize it, and put it into a bento box." 00:02:21.633 --> 00:02:23.976 (Laughter) 00:02:23.976 --> 00:02:28.029 And so to think I had found my way, to found a career that takes me - 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:32.432 really one of the big sayings in social work 00:02:32.432 --> 00:02:35.925 is "Lean into the discomfort of the work," 00:02:35.925 --> 00:02:38.768 and I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head 00:02:38.768 --> 00:02:41.741 and move it over and get all As. (Laughter) 00:02:41.741 --> 00:02:43.645 That was my mantra. 00:02:43.645 --> 00:02:46.146 So I was very excited about this. 00:02:46.146 --> 00:02:48.737 And so I thought, this is the career for me, 00:02:48.737 --> 00:02:51.608 because I am interested in some messy topics 00:02:51.608 --> 00:02:54.389 but I want to be able to make them not messy. 00:02:54.389 --> 00:02:55.979 I want to understand them. 00:02:55.979 --> 00:02:59.379 I want to hack into these things that I know are important 00:02:59.379 --> 00:03:01.999 and lay the code out for everyone to see. 00:03:03.339 --> 00:03:06.000 So where I started was with connection. 00:03:06.182 --> 00:03:09.989 Because by the time you're a social worker for ten years, 00:03:09.989 --> 00:03:13.800 what you realize is that connection is why we're here. 00:03:13.986 --> 00:03:16.904 It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. 00:03:16.904 --> 00:03:19.038 This is what it's all about. 00:03:19.038 --> 00:03:22.412 It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice 00:03:22.412 --> 00:03:24.718 and mental health and abuse and neglect. 00:03:24.718 --> 00:03:29.102 What we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected 00:03:29.102 --> 00:03:31.930 is neurobiologically that's how we're wired. 00:03:32.170 --> 00:03:33.924 It's why we are here. 00:03:33.924 --> 00:03:37.070 So I thought, "You know what. I'm going to start with connection." 00:03:37.070 --> 00:03:39.639 Well, you know that situation 00:03:39.639 --> 00:03:41.738 where you get an evaluation from your boss. 00:03:41.738 --> 00:03:44.668 And she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome 00:03:44.668 --> 00:03:47.938 and one thing that you kind of you know, an "opportunity for growth?" 00:03:47.938 --> 00:03:49.149 (Laughter) 00:03:49.879 --> 00:03:53.109 And all you can think about is that "opportunity for growth," right? 00:03:53.109 --> 00:03:56.130 Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well. 00:03:56.130 --> 00:04:00.750 Because when you ask people about love they tell you about heartbreak. 00:04:00.750 --> 00:04:03.769 When you ask them about belonging, 00:04:03.769 --> 00:04:06.539 they'll tell you about their most excruciating experiences 00:04:06.539 --> 00:04:07.660 of being excluded. 00:04:07.660 --> 00:04:09.946 And when you ask people about connection, 00:04:09.946 --> 00:04:12.749 the stories they told me were about disconnection. 00:04:13.290 --> 00:04:16.980 So very quickly about six weeks into this research, 00:04:16.980 --> 00:04:22.146 I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection. 00:04:22.571 --> 00:04:25.162 In a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. 00:04:25.350 --> 00:04:27.971 And so I pulled back out of the research and thought: 00:04:27.971 --> 00:04:29.800 "I need to figure out what this is." 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.199 And it turned out to be shame. 00:04:37.041 --> 00:04:38.980 And "shame" is really easily understood 00:04:38.980 --> 00:04:40.910 as the fear of disconnection. 00:04:40.910 --> 00:04:44.606 Is there's something about me that if other people know it or see it, 00:04:45.310 --> 00:04:48.302 that I won't be worthy of connection? 00:04:49.387 --> 00:04:52.740 The things I can tell you about it is: it's universal, we all have it. 00:04:52.740 --> 00:04:54.929 The only people who don't experience shame 00:04:54.929 --> 00:04:57.558 have no capacity for human empathy or connection. 00:04:57.558 --> 00:04:59.128 No one wants to talk about it, 00:04:59.128 --> 00:05:02.548 and the less you talk about it the more you have it. 00:05:03.448 --> 00:05:06.348 What underpinned this shame, 00:05:06.348 --> 00:05:09.418 this "I'm not good enough," which we all know that feeling, 00:05:09.418 --> 00:05:12.308 that "I'm not blank enough, I'm not thin enough, rich enough, 00:05:12.308 --> 00:05:14.920 beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:19.865 The thing that underpinned us was this excruciating vulnerability. 00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:25.389 This idea of "In order for connection to happen, 00:05:25.835 --> 00:05:29.269 we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen." 00:05:30.658 --> 00:05:33.922 And you know how I feel about vulnerability, I hate vulnerability. 00:05:33.922 --> 00:05:38.100 And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. 00:05:38.100 --> 00:05:41.000 I'm going in; I'm going to figure this stuff out; 00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:44.920 I am going to spend a year; I'm going to totally deconstruct shame; 00:05:44.920 --> 00:05:47.370 I'm going to understand how vulnerability works; 00:05:47.370 --> 00:05:48.624 I'm going to outsmart it. 00:05:49.601 --> 00:05:52.080 So I was ready and I was really excited! 00:05:55.075 --> 00:05:57.249 As you know it's not going to turn out well. 00:05:57.249 --> 00:05:59.089 (Laughter) 00:05:59.329 --> 00:06:00.729 You know this. 00:06:01.214 --> 00:06:02.963 I could tell you a lot about shame, 00:06:02.963 --> 00:06:05.146 but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. 00:06:05.146 --> 00:06:08.369 But here's what I can tell you it boils down to. 00:06:08.369 --> 00:06:11.845 This may be one of the most important things I've learned 00:06:11.845 --> 00:06:14.451 in the decade of doing this research. 00:06:16.371 --> 00:06:18.859 My one year turned into six years. 00:06:20.419 --> 00:06:24.637 Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. 00:06:24.811 --> 00:06:27.916 At one point, people were sending me their journal pages, 00:06:27.916 --> 00:06:33.602 sending me their stories, thousands of pieces of data in six years. 00:06:33.602 --> 00:06:35.564 And I kind of got a handle on it, 00:06:35.564 --> 00:06:40.256 I kind of understood this is what shame is, and how it works. 00:06:40.256 --> 00:06:44.880 I wrote a book, I published a theory but something was not okay. 00:06:46.030 --> 00:06:47.771 And what it was, 00:06:47.771 --> 00:06:50.362 is that if I roughly took the people I interviewed, 00:06:50.362 --> 00:06:55.903 and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness 00:06:57.005 --> 00:06:59.796 - that is what this comes down, a sense of worthiness - 00:06:59.796 --> 00:07:03.270 they have a strong sense of love and belonging. 00:07:03.787 --> 00:07:05.496 And the folks who struggle for it, 00:07:05.496 --> 00:07:08.862 the folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. 00:07:08.862 --> 00:07:11.440 There was only one variable that separated the people 00:07:11.440 --> 00:07:16.887 who had a strong sense of love and belonging, and really struggle for it: 00:07:16.887 --> 00:07:20.382 That was the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, 00:07:20.382 --> 00:07:23.319 believe that they are worthy of love and belonging. 00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:24.414 That's it. 00:07:24.877 --> 00:07:27.436 They believe they're worthy. 00:07:27.855 --> 00:07:33.474 And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection 00:07:34.394 --> 00:07:36.780 is our fear that we're not worthy of connection 00:07:36.780 --> 00:07:39.401 was something that personally and professionally 00:07:39.401 --> 00:07:42.424 I feel like I needed to understand better. 00:07:42.424 --> 00:07:46.798 So what I did is I took all of the interviews, 00:07:46.798 --> 00:07:48.612 where I saw worthiness, 00:07:48.612 --> 00:07:52.358 where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those. 00:07:52.388 --> 00:07:55.065 What did these people have in common? 00:07:55.065 --> 00:07:59.079 I have a slight office supply addiction but that's another talk. 00:07:59.079 --> 00:07:59.998 (Laughter) 00:07:59.998 --> 00:08:02.555 So I had a manila folder and a sharpie, 00:08:02.555 --> 00:08:05.532 I was like, "What am I going to call this research?" 00:08:05.532 --> 00:08:08.779 And the first words that came to my mind were "wholehearted." 00:08:09.633 --> 00:08:13.482 These are kind of wholehearted people living from this deep sense of worthiness. 00:08:13.482 --> 00:08:17.240 I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. 00:08:17.240 --> 00:08:23.396 In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis, 00:08:23.396 --> 00:08:26.168 where I went back and I pulled all these interviews, 00:08:26.168 --> 00:08:28.239 pulled the stories and pulled the incidents. 00:08:28.239 --> 00:08:30.905 "What's the theme? What's the pattern?" 00:08:30.905 --> 00:08:33.526 My husband left town with the kids (Laughter) 00:08:33.526 --> 00:08:36.707 because I was kind of going into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing. 00:08:36.707 --> 00:08:40.390 Where I'm just writing and just in my researcher mode. 00:08:40.919 --> 00:08:42.890 And so here's what I found. 00:08:46.043 --> 00:08:48.420 What they had in common was a sense of courage. 00:08:48.420 --> 00:08:53.360 And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. 00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:55.634 Courage, the original definition of courage 00:08:55.634 --> 00:08:57.768 when it first came into the English language, 00:08:57.768 --> 00:09:00.183 - it's from the Latin word, cor, meaning heart - 00:09:00.183 --> 00:09:03.052 the original definition was to tell the story of who you are 00:09:03.052 --> 00:09:04.764 with your whole heart. 00:09:05.791 --> 00:09:10.090 And so these folks, very simply, had the courage to be imperfect. 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.450 They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first 00:09:15.450 --> 00:09:17.752 and then to others, and as it turns out 00:09:17.752 --> 00:09:20.132 we can't practice compassion with other people 00:09:20.132 --> 00:09:22.595 if we can't treat ourselves kindly. 00:09:22.595 --> 00:09:25.690 And the last was they had connection 00:09:25.690 --> 00:09:27.726 - and this was the hard part - 00:09:27.726 --> 00:09:29.822 as a result of authenticity, 00:09:29.822 --> 00:09:33.124 they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be 00:09:33.124 --> 00:09:34.962 in order to be who they were, 00:09:34.962 --> 00:09:39.804 which you have to absolutely do that for connection. 00:09:41.635 --> 00:09:44.797 The other thing that they had in common was this: 00:09:49.290 --> 00:09:51.500 They fully embraced vulnerability. 00:09:53.710 --> 00:10:00.283 They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. 00:10:04.343 --> 00:10:07.736 They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable 00:10:07.736 --> 00:10:10.410 nor did they talk about it being excruciating 00:10:10.410 --> 00:10:13.114 as I had heard earlier in the shame interviewing. 00:10:13.114 --> 00:10:15.600 They just talked about it being necessary. 00:10:17.199 --> 00:10:20.890 They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first. 00:10:22.290 --> 00:10:27.784 The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. 00:10:30.010 --> 00:10:32.680 The willingness to breathe through 00:10:32.680 --> 00:10:36.433 waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. 00:10:36.866 --> 00:10:39.680 They're willing to invest in a relationship 00:10:39.680 --> 00:10:41.786 that may or may not work out. 00:10:42.134 --> 00:10:44.299 They thought this was fundamental. 00:10:45.849 --> 00:10:48.770 I personally thought it was betrayal. 00:10:48.770 --> 00:10:54.553 I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job - 00:10:54.683 --> 00:10:57.591 the definition of research is to control and predict, 00:10:57.591 --> 00:10:59.279 to study phenomena 00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:02.199 for the explicit reason to control and predict. 00:11:02.400 --> 00:11:07.553 And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer 00:11:07.553 --> 00:11:10.266 that the way to live is with vulnerability. 00:11:10.286 --> 00:11:12.650 And to stop controlling and predicting. 00:11:12.650 --> 00:11:16.138 This led to a little breakdown. 00:11:16.623 --> 00:11:19.316 (Laughter) 00:11:20.886 --> 00:11:24.309 which actually looked more like this : [breakdown. spiritual awakening] 00:11:24.309 --> 00:11:25.291 (Laughter) 00:11:25.291 --> 00:11:26.383 And it did. 00:11:26.383 --> 00:11:28.356 And it led to what I called a breakdown, 00:11:28.356 --> 00:11:30.763 and my therapist called a "spiritual awakening." 00:11:30.763 --> 00:11:31.570 (Laughter) 00:11:31.570 --> 00:11:35.000 Spiritual awakening sounds better, but I assure you it was a breakdown. 00:11:37.215 --> 00:11:41.106 I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. 00:11:41.106 --> 00:11:43.632 And let me tell you something, you know who you are 00:11:43.632 --> 00:11:47.421 when you call you friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. 00:11:47.421 --> 00:11:49.900 Do you have any recommendations?" 00:11:49.900 --> 00:11:52.680 Because about five of my friends were like, 00:11:52.680 --> 00:11:57.420 "Woooh, I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (Laughter) 00:11:57.420 --> 00:11:59.309 I was like, "What does that mean?" 00:11:59.309 --> 00:12:01.472 And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. 00:12:01.472 --> 00:12:03.494 Don't bring your measuring stick!" 00:12:03.494 --> 00:12:05.764 (Laughter) 00:12:05.834 --> 00:12:07.368 I was like, "Okay". 00:12:08.219 --> 00:12:10.589 And so I found a therapist. 00:12:10.589 --> 00:12:13.266 And in my first meeting with her, Diana, 00:12:13.266 --> 00:12:17.532 I brought in my list of the way wholehearted live. 00:12:17.532 --> 00:12:21.589 And she sat down and said, "How are you?" 00:12:21.589 --> 00:12:23.809 And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." 00:12:23.809 --> 00:12:25.699 And she said, "Well what's going on?" 00:12:25.699 --> 00:12:27.999 And this is a therapist who sees therapists, 00:12:27.999 --> 00:12:32.819 because we have to go to those because their BS meters are good. 00:12:33.099 --> 00:12:35.020 (Laughter) 00:12:35.179 --> 00:12:39.585 And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." 00:12:40.285 --> 00:12:42.541 And she said, "What's the struggle?" 00:12:42.541 --> 00:12:45.299 And I said, "I have a vulnerability issue. 00:12:45.399 --> 00:12:50.672 And I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear 00:12:51.022 --> 00:12:54.035 and our struggle for worthiness but it appears that it's also 00:12:54.035 --> 00:12:59.652 the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, love, 00:13:00.781 --> 00:13:06.098 and I think I have a problem, and I need some help." 00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:11.078 I said, "Here's the thing, no family stuff, no childhood shit, 00:13:11.078 --> 00:13:13.177 (Laughter) 00:13:13.177 --> 00:13:16.566 I just need some strategies." 00:13:17.336 --> 00:13:19.773 (Laughter) 00:13:21.083 --> 00:13:24.083 (Applause) 00:13:24.083 --> 00:13:25.340 Thank you. 00:13:28.207 --> 00:13:30.479 So she goes like this. 00:13:30.479 --> 00:13:32.899 (Laughter) 00:13:32.899 --> 00:13:35.262 Then, I said, "It's bad right?" 00:13:35.262 --> 00:13:38.531 And she said, "It's neither good nor bad. 00:13:38.531 --> 00:13:40.512 (Laughter) 00:13:40.512 --> 00:13:42.299 It just is what it is." 00:13:43.889 --> 00:13:46.626 And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck!" 00:13:46.626 --> 00:13:49.363 (Laughter) 00:13:49.363 --> 00:13:50.843 And it did and it didn't. 00:13:50.843 --> 00:13:53.270 And it took about a year. 00:13:53.270 --> 00:13:55.503 And you know how there are people 00:13:55.503 --> 00:13:59.198 that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important 00:13:59.198 --> 00:14:02.803 that they kind of surrender and walk into it: 00:14:02.803 --> 00:14:04.522 A) That's not me. 00:14:04.522 --> 00:14:07.181 B) I don't even hang out with people like that. 00:14:07.181 --> 00:14:09.840 (Laughter) 00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.650 For me it was a yearlong street fight. (Laughter) 00:14:12.650 --> 00:14:17.729 It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. 00:14:17.729 --> 00:14:21.370 I lost the fight but I probably won my life back. 00:14:22.064 --> 00:14:25.399 Then I went back into the research and spend the next couple of years 00:14:25.399 --> 00:14:28.499 really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, 00:14:28.499 --> 00:14:34.039 and what choices they were making and what we are doing with vulnerability. 00:14:34.049 --> 00:14:36.903 Why do we struggle with it so much? 00:14:36.903 --> 00:14:40.215 Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? 00:14:40.765 --> 00:14:41.719 No. 00:14:41.719 --> 00:14:43.610 So this is what I learned. 00:14:44.969 --> 00:14:47.360 We numb vulnerability. 00:14:48.266 --> 00:14:50.440 When we're waiting for the call - 00:14:51.852 --> 00:14:56.939 It's funny, I guess, on Wednesday I sent something on Twitter and Facebook, 00:14:56.968 --> 00:15:00.469 "How would you define vulnerability and what makes you feel vulnerable?" 00:15:00.469 --> 00:15:04.599 and within an hour and a half I had 150 responses. 00:15:05.862 --> 00:15:08.739 I wanted to know what's out there. 00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:13.200 "Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick and we're newly married." 00:15:14.193 --> 00:15:16.450 "Initiating sex with my husband." 00:15:16.450 --> 00:15:18.709 "Initiating sex with my wife." 00:15:18.709 --> 00:15:21.320 "Being turned down." "Asking someone out." 00:15:22.418 --> 00:15:24.303 "Waiting for the doctor to call back." 00:15:24.303 --> 00:15:25.396 "Getting laid off." 00:15:25.396 --> 00:15:26.630 "Laying off people." 00:15:26.630 --> 00:15:28.990 This is the world we live in. 00:15:28.990 --> 00:15:31.200 We live in a vulnerable world. 00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:35.430 And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. 00:15:35.430 --> 00:15:38.532 And I think there's evidence, and it's not the only reason 00:15:38.532 --> 00:15:41.765 this evidence exists but it's a huge cause. 00:15:41.765 --> 00:15:45.000 We are the most in debt, 00:15:46.140 --> 00:15:48.563 obese, 00:15:48.563 --> 00:15:50.476 addicted, 00:15:50.476 --> 00:15:53.409 and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. 00:15:57.940 --> 00:16:02.608 The problem is - and I learned this from the research - 00:16:05.409 --> 00:16:08.279 is that you cannot selectively numb emotion. 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:11.130 You can't say, "Here's the bad stuff. 00:16:11.130 --> 00:16:13.701 Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, 00:16:13.701 --> 00:16:16.833 here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. 00:16:16.833 --> 00:16:20.538 I am going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin." 00:16:20.538 --> 00:16:22.113 (Laughter) 00:16:22.353 --> 00:16:24.539 I don't want to feel these! 00:16:24.539 --> 00:16:27.109 And I know that's knowing laughter, 00:16:27.119 --> 00:16:30.079 I hack into your lives for a living. That's "Haha, God!" 00:16:30.079 --> 00:16:31.739 (Laughter) 00:16:33.446 --> 00:16:36.242 You can't numb those hard feelings 00:16:36.242 --> 00:16:39.305 without numbing the other affects, or emotions. 00:16:39.307 --> 00:16:40.769 You cannot selectively numb. 00:16:40.769 --> 00:16:43.620 So when you numb those, 00:16:43.620 --> 00:16:48.299 we numb joy; we numb gratitude; we numb happiness. 00:16:50.379 --> 00:16:54.179 And then, we are miserable, and looking for purpose and meaning, 00:16:54.179 --> 00:16:56.372 and then we feel vulnerable, 00:16:56.372 --> 00:17:00.048 and so we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 00:17:00.048 --> 00:17:02.584 And it becomes this dangerous cycle. 00:17:04.114 --> 00:17:09.400 One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb, 00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:12.360 and it doesn't just have to be addiction. 00:17:12.909 --> 00:17:17.799 The other thing we do is make everything that's uncertain certain. 00:17:17.900 --> 00:17:22.799 Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. 00:17:22.900 --> 00:17:26.083 "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up." 00:17:26.613 --> 00:17:28.177 That's it. 00:17:29.071 --> 00:17:30.346 Just certain. 00:17:31.029 --> 00:17:33.869 The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, 00:17:33.869 --> 00:17:35.429 the more afraid we are. 00:17:35.429 --> 00:17:37.679 This is what politics looks like today, 00:17:37.679 --> 00:17:40.949 There's no discourse any more; there's no conversation. 00:17:40.949 --> 00:17:42.439 There's just blame. 00:17:42.439 --> 00:17:45.546 You know how blame is described in the research? 00:17:45.546 --> 00:17:49.262 "A way to discharge pain and discomfort." 00:17:51.023 --> 00:17:52.340 We perfect. 00:17:52.340 --> 00:17:53.566 Now let me tell you, 00:17:53.566 --> 00:17:56.601 if there's anyone who wants to have their life look like this, 00:17:56.601 --> 00:17:57.436 it would be me. 00:17:57.436 --> 00:17:58.612 But it doesn't work. 00:17:58.612 --> 00:18:02.119 Because we take fat from our butts and put it into our cheeks. 00:18:02.119 --> 00:18:04.819 (Laughter) 00:18:05.229 --> 00:18:06.812 Which doesn't work! 00:18:06.812 --> 00:18:10.148 I hope in a hundred years people will look back and go, "Wow!" 00:18:10.148 --> 00:18:12.364 (Laughter) 00:18:12.954 --> 00:18:15.560 And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. 00:18:15.560 --> 00:18:19.869 Let me tell you very quickly what we think about children. 00:18:19.869 --> 00:18:23.019 They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. 00:18:23.019 --> 00:18:26.752 When you hold those perfect little babies in your hands, our job is not to say, 00:18:26.752 --> 00:18:29.115 "Look at them, look at her, she is perfect. 00:18:29.115 --> 00:18:30.963 My job is just to keep her perfect, 00:18:30.963 --> 00:18:33.448 and make sure she makes the tennis team by 5th grade 00:18:33.448 --> 00:18:35.433 and Yale by 7th grade." 00:18:35.433 --> 00:18:38.140 That's not our job, our job is to look and say, 00:18:38.140 --> 00:18:41.605 "You're imperfect and hard-wired for struggle, 00:18:41.605 --> 00:18:44.322 but you are worthy of love and belonging." 00:18:44.322 --> 00:18:47.964 That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, 00:18:47.964 --> 00:18:50.980 and we'll end the problems that we see today. 00:18:50.980 --> 00:18:56.062 We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. 00:18:57.290 --> 00:19:00.656 We do that in our personal lives, we do that corporate 00:19:00.656 --> 00:19:04.502 whether it's a bail out or an oil spill, or a recall. 00:19:05.152 --> 00:19:06.298 We pretend like, 00:19:06.298 --> 00:19:10.434 what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. 00:19:10.434 --> 00:19:14.030 I would say to companies, "This isn't our first rodeo, people." 00:19:15.137 --> 00:19:18.546 We just need you to be authentic and real and say, 00:19:18.548 --> 00:19:21.548 "We're sorry; we'll fix it." 00:19:24.169 --> 00:19:27.400 But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. 00:19:27.410 --> 00:19:29.583 This is what I've found: 00:19:29.583 --> 00:19:33.728 to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen. 00:19:36.606 --> 00:19:40.469 To love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee. 00:19:40.469 --> 00:19:42.429 And that's really hard, 00:19:42.429 --> 00:19:46.019 I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult. 00:19:47.701 --> 00:19:50.499 To practice gratitude and joy 00:19:50.499 --> 00:19:53.715 in those moments of terror when we're wondering, 00:19:53.715 --> 00:19:56.991 "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this as passionately? 00:19:56.991 --> 00:19:58.581 Can I be this fierce about this?" 00:19:58.581 --> 00:20:00.177 Just to be able to stop 00:20:00.177 --> 00:20:02.773 and instead of catastrophizing about what might happen, 00:20:02.773 --> 00:20:04.503 to say, "I'm just so grateful. 00:20:04.503 --> 00:20:08.000 Because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:11.766 And the last, which I think is probably the most important, 00:20:11.766 --> 00:20:14.282 is to believe that we're enough. 00:20:14.282 --> 00:20:18.773 Because when we work from a place that says, "I'm enough," 00:20:20.439 --> 00:20:23.599 then we stop screaming, and we start listening. 00:20:23.700 --> 00:20:26.033 We're kinder and gentler to the people around us, 00:20:26.033 --> 00:20:28.366 and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. 00:20:28.935 --> 00:20:31.230 That's all I have. Thank you. 00:20:31.230 --> 00:20:32.880 (Applause)