0:00:03.620,0:00:04.863
So, I'll start with this.

0:00:04.863,0:00:07.276
A couple of years ago,[br]an event planner called me

0:00:07.276,0:00:09.550
because I was going[br]to do a speaking event,[br]

0:00:09.550,0:00:10.694
and she called and said:

0:00:10.694,0:00:14.089
"I'm really struggling with how to write[br]about you on the little flyer."

0:00:14.089,0:00:16.039
I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

0:00:16.039,0:00:18.718
and she said: "Well, I saw you speak,

0:00:18.718,0:00:21.297
and I am going to call you[br]a researcher, I think,

0:00:21.297,0:00:24.184
but I'm afraid if I call you [br]a researcher, no one will come

0:00:24.184,0:00:27.244
because they'll think you're[br]boring and irrelevant." (Laughter)

0:00:27.864,0:00:29.080
And I was like "OK."

0:00:29.080,0:00:31.390
She said: "But the thing[br]I liked about your talk

0:00:31.390,0:00:33.320
is that you're a storyteller.

0:00:33.320,0:00:36.330
So I think what I'll do[br]is call you a storyteller."

0:00:36.330,0:00:39.629
And of course the academic,[br]insecure part of me was like,

0:00:39.629,0:00:41.798
"You're going to call me a what?"[br](Laughter)

0:00:41.798,0:00:44.530
And she said: "I'm going[br]to call you a storyteller."

0:00:44.530,0:00:49.169
And I was like, "Oh, why not [br]magic pixie?" (Laughter)

0:00:49.169,0:00:52.860
I was like: "Let me think[br]about this for a second."

0:00:52.860,0:00:56.069
And so, I tried to call deep on my courage

0:00:56.069,0:00:57.660
and I thought,

0:00:57.660,0:01:00.819
"You know, I am a storyteller.[br]I'm a qualitative researcher.

0:01:00.819,0:01:03.059
I collect stories; that's what I do.

0:01:03.059,0:01:07.926
Maybe stories are just data with a soul,[br]and maybe I'm just a storyteller."

0:01:08.606,0:01:09.949
So I said: "You know what?

0:01:09.949,0:01:12.476
Why don't you just say[br]I'm a researcher storyteller."

0:01:12.476,0:01:16.623
And she went, "Ha ha! [br]There's no such a thing."

0:01:16.623,0:01:18.250
(Laughter)

0:01:18.250,0:01:22.150
So I'm a researcher storyteller,[br]and I'm going to talk to you today

0:01:22.174,0:01:24.512
- we're talking about[br]expanding perception -

0:01:24.512,0:01:27.327
and so I want to talk to you[br]and tell you some stories

0:01:27.327,0:01:31.912
about a piece of my research[br]that fundamentally expanded my perception

0:01:31.912,0:01:36.719
and really actually changed the way[br]that I live, love, work, and parent.

0:01:36.719,0:01:39.640
And this is where my story starts.

0:01:39.640,0:01:42.389
When I was a young researcher,[br]a doctoral student,

0:01:42.389,0:01:44.880
my first year I had a research professor

0:01:44.880,0:01:47.970
who, on one of his first days[br]of class, he said to us:

0:01:47.970,0:01:52.646
"Here's the thing. If you cannot[br]measure it, it doesn't exist."

0:01:53.852,0:01:55.909
And I thought he was[br]just sweet-talking me,

0:01:55.909,0:01:58.720
I was like, "Really?"[br]And he was like, "Absolutely."

0:01:58.720,0:02:02.816
And so you have to understand[br]that I have a bachelor's in Social Work,

0:02:03.006,0:02:06.472
a Master's in Social Work,[br]and I was getting my PhD in Social Work,

0:02:06.472,0:02:09.481
so my entire academic career[br]was surrounded by people

0:02:09.481,0:02:13.670
who kind of believed in the[br]"Life is messy; love it."

0:02:14.262,0:02:18.760
And I'm more of the "Life's messy, [br]clean it up," (Laughter)

0:02:18.760,0:02:21.633
organize it, and put it into a bento box."

0:02:21.633,0:02:23.976
(Laughter)

0:02:23.976,0:02:28.029
And so to think I had found my way,[br]to found a career that takes me -

0:02:28.039,0:02:32.432
really one of the big sayings[br]in social work

0:02:32.432,0:02:35.925
is "Lean into the discomfort of the work,"

0:02:35.925,0:02:38.768
and I'm like, knock[br]discomfort upside the head

0:02:38.768,0:02:41.741
and move it over and get all As.[br](Laughter)

0:02:41.741,0:02:43.645
That was my mantra.

0:02:43.645,0:02:46.146
So I was very excited about this.

0:02:46.146,0:02:48.737
And so I thought,[br]this is the career for me,

0:02:48.737,0:02:51.608
because I am interested[br]in some messy topics

0:02:51.608,0:02:54.389
but I want to be able[br]to make them not messy.

0:02:54.389,0:02:55.979
I want to understand them.[br]

0:02:55.979,0:02:59.379
I want to hack into these things[br]that I know are important

0:02:59.379,0:03:01.999
and lay the code out for everyone to see.

0:03:03.339,0:03:06.000
So where I started was with connection.

0:03:06.182,0:03:09.989
Because by the time[br]you're a social worker for ten years,

0:03:09.989,0:03:13.800
what you realize is[br]that connection is why we're here.

0:03:13.986,0:03:16.904
It's what gives purpose[br]and meaning to our lives.

0:03:16.904,0:03:19.038
This is what it's all about.

0:03:19.038,0:03:22.412
It doesn't matter whether you talk[br]to people who work in social justice[br]

0:03:22.412,0:03:24.718
and mental health and abuse and neglect.

0:03:24.718,0:03:29.102
What we know is that connection, [br]the ability to feel connected

0:03:29.102,0:03:31.930
is neurobiologically[br]that's how we're wired.

0:03:32.170,0:03:33.924
It's why we are here.

0:03:33.924,0:03:37.070
So I thought, "You know what.[br]I'm going to start with connection."

0:03:37.070,0:03:39.639
Well, you know that situation[br]

0:03:39.639,0:03:41.738
where you get an evaluation[br]from your boss.

0:03:41.738,0:03:44.668
And she tells you 37 things[br]that you do really awesome

0:03:44.668,0:03:47.938
and one thing that you kind of you know,[br]an "opportunity for growth?"

0:03:47.938,0:03:49.149
(Laughter)

0:03:49.879,0:03:53.109
And all you can think about[br]is that "opportunity for growth," right?

0:03:53.109,0:03:56.130
Well, apparently this is the way[br]my work went as well.

0:03:56.130,0:04:00.750
Because when you ask people about love[br]they tell you about heartbreak.

0:04:00.750,0:04:03.769
When you ask them about belonging,

0:04:03.769,0:04:06.539
they'll tell you about their[br]most excruciating experiences

0:04:06.539,0:04:07.660
of being excluded.

0:04:07.660,0:04:09.946
And when you ask people about connection,

0:04:09.946,0:04:12.749
the stories they told me[br]were about disconnection.

0:04:13.290,0:04:16.980
So very quickly about six weeks[br]into this research,

0:04:16.980,0:04:22.146
I ran into this unnamed thing[br]that absolutely unraveled connection.

0:04:22.571,0:04:25.162
In a way that I didn't understand[br]or had never seen.

0:04:25.350,0:04:27.971
And so I pulled back[br]out of the research and thought:

0:04:27.971,0:04:29.800
"I need to figure out what this is."

0:04:29.800,0:04:32.199
And it turned out to be shame.

0:04:37.041,0:04:38.980
And "shame" is really easily understood

0:04:38.980,0:04:40.910
as the fear of disconnection.

0:04:40.910,0:04:44.606
Is there's something about me[br]that if other people know it or see it,

0:04:45.310,0:04:48.302
that I won't be worthy of connection?

0:04:49.387,0:04:52.740
The things I can tell you about it is: [br]it's universal, we all have it.

0:04:52.740,0:04:54.929
The only people who don't experience shame[br]

0:04:54.929,0:04:57.558
have no capacity for human empathy[br]or connection.

0:04:57.558,0:04:59.128
No one wants to talk about it,[br]

0:04:59.128,0:05:02.548
and the less you talk about it[br]the more you have it.

0:05:03.448,0:05:06.348
What underpinned this shame,

0:05:06.348,0:05:09.418
this "I'm not good enough,"[br]which we all know that feeling,

0:05:09.418,0:05:12.308
that "I'm not blank enough,[br]I'm not thin enough, rich enough,

0:05:12.308,0:05:14.920
beautiful enough,[br]smart enough, promoted enough."

0:05:14.920,0:05:19.865
The thing that underpinned us[br]was this excruciating vulnerability.

0:05:20.959,0:05:25.389
This idea of "In order [br]for connection to happen,

0:05:25.835,0:05:29.269
we have to allow ourselves[br]to be seen, really seen."

0:05:30.658,0:05:33.922
And you know how I feel[br]about vulnerability, I hate vulnerability.

0:05:33.922,0:05:38.100
And so I thought, this is my chance[br]to beat it back with my measuring stick.

0:05:38.100,0:05:41.000
I'm going in;[br]I'm going to figure this stuff out;

0:05:41.000,0:05:44.920
I am going to spend a year;[br]I'm going to totally deconstruct shame;

0:05:44.920,0:05:47.370
I'm going to understand[br]how vulnerability works;

0:05:47.370,0:05:48.624
I'm going to outsmart it.

0:05:49.601,0:05:52.080
So I was ready and I was really excited!

0:05:55.075,0:05:57.249
As you know[br]it's not going to turn out well.

0:05:57.249,0:05:59.089
(Laughter)

0:05:59.329,0:06:00.729
You know this.

0:06:01.214,0:06:02.963
I could tell you a lot about shame,

0:06:02.963,0:06:05.146
but I'd have to borrow[br]everyone else's time.

0:06:05.146,0:06:08.369
But here's what I can tell you[br]it boils down to.

0:06:08.369,0:06:11.845
This may be one of the most[br]important things I've learned

0:06:11.845,0:06:14.451
in the decade of doing this research.

0:06:16.371,0:06:18.859
My one year turned into six years.

0:06:20.419,0:06:24.637
Thousands of stories, hundreds[br]of long interviews, focus groups.

0:06:24.811,0:06:27.916
At one point, people were[br]sending me their journal pages,

0:06:27.916,0:06:33.602
sending me their stories,[br]thousands of pieces of data in six years.

0:06:33.602,0:06:35.564
And I kind of got a handle on it,[br]

0:06:35.564,0:06:40.256
I kind of understood[br]this is what shame is, and how it works.

0:06:40.256,0:06:44.880
I wrote a book, I published a theory[br]but something was not okay.

0:06:46.030,0:06:47.771
And what it was,

0:06:47.771,0:06:50.362
is that if I roughly took[br]the people I interviewed,

0:06:50.362,0:06:55.903
and divided them into people[br]who really have a sense of worthiness

0:06:57.005,0:06:59.796
- that is what this comes down,[br]a sense of worthiness -

0:06:59.796,0:07:03.270
they have a strong sense[br]of love and belonging.

0:07:03.787,0:07:05.496
And the folks who struggle for it,

0:07:05.496,0:07:08.862
the folks who are always wondering[br]if they're good enough.

0:07:08.862,0:07:11.440
There was only one variable[br]that separated the people

0:07:11.440,0:07:16.887
who had a strong sense of love[br]and belonging, and really struggle for it:

0:07:16.887,0:07:20.382
That was the people who have[br]a strong sense of love and belonging,

0:07:20.382,0:07:23.319
believe that they are worthy[br]of love and belonging.

0:07:23.319,0:07:24.414
That's it.[br]

0:07:24.877,0:07:27.436
They believe they're worthy.

0:07:27.855,0:07:33.474
And to me, the hard part of the one thing[br]that keeps us out of connection

0:07:34.394,0:07:36.780
is our fear that we're not[br]worthy of connection

0:07:36.780,0:07:39.401
was something[br]that personally and professionally

0:07:39.401,0:07:42.424
I feel like I needed to understand better.

0:07:42.424,0:07:46.798
So what I did is I took[br]all of the interviews,

0:07:46.798,0:07:48.612
where I saw worthiness,

0:07:48.612,0:07:52.358
where I saw people living that way,[br]and just looked at those.

0:07:52.388,0:07:55.065
What did these people have in common?

0:07:55.065,0:07:59.079
I have a slight office supply[br]addiction but that's another talk.

0:07:59.079,0:07:59.998
(Laughter)

0:07:59.998,0:08:02.555
So I had a manila folder and a sharpie,[br]

0:08:02.555,0:08:05.532
I was like, "What am I going[br]to call this research?"

0:08:05.532,0:08:08.779
And the first words that came[br]to my mind were "wholehearted."

0:08:09.633,0:08:13.482
These are kind of wholehearted people[br]living from this deep sense of worthiness.

0:08:13.482,0:08:17.240
I wrote at the top of the manila folder,[br]and I started looking at the data.

0:08:17.240,0:08:23.396
In fact, I did it first in a four-day[br]very intensive data analysis,

0:08:23.396,0:08:26.168
where I went back[br]and I pulled all these interviews,

0:08:26.168,0:08:28.239
pulled the stories[br]and pulled the incidents.

0:08:28.239,0:08:30.905
"What's the theme? What's the pattern?"[br]

0:08:30.905,0:08:33.526
My husband left town with the kids [br](Laughter)

0:08:33.526,0:08:36.707
because I was kind of going into[br]this Jackson Pollock crazy thing.

0:08:36.707,0:08:40.390
Where I'm just writing[br]and just in my researcher mode.

0:08:40.919,0:08:42.890
And so here's what I found.

0:08:46.043,0:08:48.420
What they had in common[br]was a sense of courage.

0:08:48.420,0:08:53.360
And I want to separate courage[br]and bravery for you for a minute.

0:08:53.360,0:08:55.634
Courage, the original[br]definition of courage

0:08:55.634,0:08:57.768
when it first came[br]into the English language,

0:08:57.768,0:09:00.183
- it's from the Latin word,[br]cor, meaning heart -

0:09:00.183,0:09:03.052
the original definition[br]was to tell the story of who you are

0:09:03.052,0:09:04.764
with your whole heart.

0:09:05.791,0:09:10.090
And so these folks, very simply,[br]had the courage to be imperfect.

0:09:11.720,0:09:15.450
They had the compassion[br]to be kind to themselves first

0:09:15.450,0:09:17.752
and then to others, and as it turns out[br]

0:09:17.752,0:09:20.132
we can't practice compassion[br]with other people

0:09:20.132,0:09:22.595
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

0:09:22.595,0:09:25.690
And the last was they had connection

0:09:25.690,0:09:27.726
- and this was the hard part -

0:09:27.726,0:09:29.822
as a result of authenticity,

0:09:29.822,0:09:33.124
they were willing to let go[br]of who they thought they should be

0:09:33.124,0:09:34.962
in order to be who they were,

0:09:34.962,0:09:39.804
which you have to absolutely[br]do that for connection.

0:09:41.635,0:09:44.797
The other thing[br]that they had in common was this:[br]

0:09:49.290,0:09:51.500
They fully embraced vulnerability.

0:09:53.710,0:10:00.283
They believed that what made them[br]vulnerable made them beautiful.

0:10:04.343,0:10:07.736
They didn't talk about vulnerability[br]being comfortable

0:10:07.736,0:10:10.410
nor did they talk about it[br]being excruciating

0:10:10.410,0:10:13.114
as I had heard earlier[br]in the shame interviewing.

0:10:13.114,0:10:15.600
They just talked about it being necessary.

0:10:17.199,0:10:20.890
They talked about the willingness[br]to say "I love you" first.

0:10:22.290,0:10:27.784
The willingness to do something[br]where there are no guarantees.

0:10:30.010,0:10:32.680
The willingness to breathe through

0:10:32.680,0:10:36.433
waiting for the doctor to call[br]after your mammogram.

0:10:36.866,0:10:39.680
They're willing to invest[br]in a relationship

0:10:39.680,0:10:41.786
that may or may not work out.

0:10:42.134,0:10:44.299
They thought this was fundamental.

0:10:45.849,0:10:48.770
I personally thought it was betrayal.

0:10:48.770,0:10:54.553
I could not believe I had pledged[br]allegiance to research, where our job -

0:10:54.683,0:10:57.591
the definition of research[br]is to control and predict,

0:10:57.591,0:10:59.279
to study phenomena

0:10:59.279,0:11:02.199
for the explicit reason[br]to control and predict.

0:11:02.400,0:11:07.553
And now my mission to control[br]and predict had turned up the answer

0:11:07.553,0:11:10.266
that the way to live[br]is with vulnerability.

0:11:10.286,0:11:12.650
And to stop controlling and predicting.

0:11:12.650,0:11:16.138
This led to a little breakdown.

0:11:16.623,0:11:19.316
(Laughter)

0:11:20.886,0:11:24.309
which actually looked more like this :[br][breakdown. spiritual awakening]

0:11:24.309,0:11:25.291
(Laughter) [br]

0:11:25.291,0:11:26.383
And it did.

0:11:26.383,0:11:28.356
And it led to what I called a breakdown,

0:11:28.356,0:11:30.763
and my therapist called[br]a "spiritual awakening."

0:11:30.763,0:11:31.570
(Laughter)

0:11:31.570,0:11:35.000
Spiritual awakening sounds better,[br]but I assure you it was a breakdown.

0:11:37.215,0:11:41.106
I had to put my data away[br]and go find a therapist.

0:11:41.106,0:11:43.632
And let me tell you something,[br]you know who you are

0:11:43.632,0:11:47.421
when you call you friends and say,[br]"I think I need to see somebody.

0:11:47.421,0:11:49.900
Do you have any recommendations?"

0:11:49.900,0:11:52.680
Because about five[br]of my friends were like,[br]

0:11:52.680,0:11:57.420
"Woooh, I wouldn't want[br]to be your therapist." (Laughter)

0:11:57.420,0:11:59.309
I was like, "What does that mean?"

0:11:59.309,0:12:01.472
And they're like,[br]"I'm just saying, you know.

0:12:01.472,0:12:03.494
Don't bring your measuring stick!"

0:12:03.494,0:12:05.764
(Laughter)

0:12:05.834,0:12:07.368
I was like, "Okay".

0:12:08.219,0:12:10.589
And so I found a therapist.

0:12:10.589,0:12:13.266
And in my first meeting with her, Diana,[br]

0:12:13.266,0:12:17.532
I brought in my list[br]of the way wholehearted live.

0:12:17.532,0:12:21.589
And she sat down and said, "How are you?"

0:12:21.589,0:12:23.809
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

0:12:23.809,0:12:25.699
And she said, "Well what's going on?"

0:12:25.699,0:12:27.999
And this is a therapist[br]who sees therapists,

0:12:27.999,0:12:32.819
because we have to go to those[br]because their BS meters are good.

0:12:33.099,0:12:35.020
(Laughter)

0:12:35.179,0:12:39.585
And so I said, "Here's the thing,[br]I'm struggling."

0:12:40.285,0:12:42.541
And she said, "What's the struggle?"

0:12:42.541,0:12:45.299
And I said,[br]"I have a vulnerability issue.

0:12:45.399,0:12:50.672
And I know that vulnerability[br]is kind of the core of shame and fear

0:12:51.022,0:12:54.035
and our struggle for worthiness[br]but it appears that it's also

0:12:54.035,0:12:59.652
the birthplace of joy,[br]creativity, belonging, love,

0:13:00.781,0:13:06.098
and I think I have a problem,[br]and I need some help."

0:13:06.399,0:13:11.078
I said, "Here's the thing,[br]no family stuff, no childhood shit,

0:13:11.078,0:13:13.177
[br](Laughter)

0:13:13.177,0:13:16.566
I just need some strategies."

0:13:17.336,0:13:19.773
(Laughter)

0:13:21.083,0:13:24.083
(Applause)

0:13:24.083,0:13:25.340
Thank you.

0:13:28.207,0:13:30.479
So she goes like this.

0:13:30.479,0:13:32.899
(Laughter)

0:13:32.899,0:13:35.262
Then, I said, "It's bad right?"

0:13:35.262,0:13:38.531
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad.

0:13:38.531,0:13:40.512
(Laughter)

0:13:40.512,0:13:42.299
It just is what it is."

0:13:43.889,0:13:46.626
And I said, "Oh my God,[br]this is going to suck!"

0:13:46.626,0:13:49.363
(Laughter)

0:13:49.363,0:13:50.843
And it did and it didn't.

0:13:50.843,0:13:53.270
And it took about a year.

0:13:53.270,0:13:55.503
And you know how there are people

0:13:55.503,0:13:59.198
that, when they realize that vulnerability[br]and tenderness are important

0:13:59.198,0:14:02.803
that they kind of surrender[br]and walk into it:

0:14:02.803,0:14:04.522
A) That's not me.

0:14:04.522,0:14:07.181
B) I don't even hang out[br]with people like that.

0:14:07.181,0:14:09.840
(Laughter)

0:14:09.840,0:14:12.650
For me it was a yearlong street fight. [br](Laughter)

0:14:12.650,0:14:17.729
It was a slugfest.[br]Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

0:14:17.729,0:14:21.370
I lost the fight[br]but I probably won my life back.

0:14:22.064,0:14:25.399
Then I went back into the research[br]and spend the next couple of years

0:14:25.399,0:14:28.499
really trying to understand[br]what they, the whole-hearted,

0:14:28.499,0:14:34.039
and what choices they were making[br]and what we are doing with vulnerability.

0:14:34.049,0:14:36.903
Why do we struggle with it so much?

0:14:36.903,0:14:40.215
Am I alone in struggling[br]with vulnerability?

0:14:40.765,0:14:41.719
No.

0:14:41.719,0:14:43.610
So this is what I learned.

0:14:44.969,0:14:47.360
We numb vulnerability.

0:14:48.266,0:14:50.440
When we're waiting for the call -

0:14:51.852,0:14:56.939
It's funny, I guess, on Wednesday[br]I sent something on Twitter and Facebook,

0:14:56.968,0:15:00.469
"How would you define vulnerability[br]and what makes you feel vulnerable?"

0:15:00.469,0:15:04.599
and within an hour and a half[br]I had 150 responses.

0:15:05.862,0:15:08.739
I wanted to know what's out there.

0:15:08.799,0:15:13.200
"Having to ask my husband for help[br]because I'm sick and we're newly married."

0:15:14.193,0:15:16.450
"Initiating sex with my husband."

0:15:16.450,0:15:18.709
"Initiating sex with my wife."

0:15:18.709,0:15:21.320
"Being turned down."[br]"Asking someone out."

0:15:22.418,0:15:24.303
"Waiting for the doctor to call back."[br]

0:15:24.303,0:15:25.396
"Getting laid off."

0:15:25.396,0:15:26.630
"Laying off people."

0:15:26.630,0:15:28.990
This is the world we live in.

0:15:28.990,0:15:31.200
We live in a vulnerable world.

0:15:31.200,0:15:35.430
And one of the ways we deal with it[br]is we numb vulnerability.

0:15:35.430,0:15:38.532
And I think there's evidence,[br]and it's not the only reason

0:15:38.532,0:15:41.765
this evidence exists[br]but it's a huge cause.

0:15:41.765,0:15:45.000
We are the most in debt,

0:15:46.140,0:15:48.563
obese,

0:15:48.563,0:15:50.476
addicted,

0:15:50.476,0:15:53.409
and medicated adult cohort[br]in U.S. history.

0:15:57.940,0:16:02.608
The problem is -[br]and I learned this from the research -

0:16:05.409,0:16:08.279
is that you cannot[br]selectively numb emotion.

0:16:08.279,0:16:11.130
You can't say,[br]"Here's the bad stuff.

0:16:11.130,0:16:13.701
Here's vulnerability,[br]here's grief, here's shame,

0:16:13.701,0:16:16.833
here's fear, here's disappointment.[br]I don't want to feel these.

0:16:16.833,0:16:20.538
I am going to have a couple of beers[br]and a banana nut muffin."

0:16:20.538,0:16:22.113
(Laughter)

0:16:22.353,0:16:24.539
I don't want to feel these!

0:16:24.539,0:16:27.109
And I know that's knowing laughter,

0:16:27.119,0:16:30.079
I hack into your lives for a living.[br]That's "Haha, God!"

0:16:30.079,0:16:31.739
(Laughter)

0:16:33.446,0:16:36.242
You can't numb those hard feelings[br][br]

0:16:36.242,0:16:39.305
without numbing[br]the other affects, or emotions.

0:16:39.307,0:16:40.769
You cannot selectively numb.

0:16:40.769,0:16:43.620
So when you numb those,[br]

0:16:43.620,0:16:48.299
we numb joy; we numb gratitude;[br]we numb happiness.

0:16:50.379,0:16:54.179
And then, we are miserable,[br]and looking for purpose and meaning,

0:16:54.179,0:16:56.372
and then we feel vulnerable,

0:16:56.372,0:17:00.048
and so we have a couple of beers[br]and a banana nut muffin.

0:17:00.048,0:17:02.584
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

0:17:04.114,0:17:09.400
One of the things that I think we need[br]to think about is why and how we numb,

0:17:09.400,0:17:12.360
and it doesn't just have to be addiction.

0:17:12.909,0:17:17.799
The other thing we do is make[br]everything that's uncertain certain.

0:17:17.900,0:17:22.799
Religion has gone from a belief[br]in faith and mystery to certainty.

0:17:22.900,0:17:26.083
"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

0:17:26.613,0:17:28.177
That's it.[br]

0:17:29.071,0:17:30.346
Just certain.

0:17:31.029,0:17:33.869
The more afraid we are,[br]the more vulnerable we are,

0:17:33.869,0:17:35.429
the more afraid we are.

0:17:35.429,0:17:37.679
This is what politics looks like today,

0:17:37.679,0:17:40.949
There's no discourse any more;[br]there's no conversation.

0:17:40.949,0:17:42.439
There's just blame.

0:17:42.439,0:17:45.546
You know how blame[br]is described in the research?

0:17:45.546,0:17:49.262
"A way to discharge pain and discomfort."

0:17:51.023,0:17:52.340
We perfect.

0:17:52.340,0:17:53.566
Now let me tell you,[br]

0:17:53.566,0:17:56.601
if there's anyone who wants[br]to have their life look like this,[br]

0:17:56.601,0:17:57.436
it would be me.

0:17:57.436,0:17:58.612
But it doesn't work.

0:17:58.612,0:18:02.119
Because we take fat from our butts[br]and put it into our cheeks.

0:18:02.119,0:18:04.819
(Laughter)

0:18:05.229,0:18:06.812
Which doesn't work!

0:18:06.812,0:18:10.148
I hope in a hundred years[br]people will look back and go, "Wow!"

0:18:10.148,0:18:12.364
(Laughter)

0:18:12.954,0:18:15.560
And we perfect,[br]most dangerously, our children.

0:18:15.560,0:18:19.869
Let me tell you very quickly[br]what we think about children.[br]

0:18:19.869,0:18:23.019
They're hardwired for struggle[br]when they get here.

0:18:23.019,0:18:26.752
When you hold those perfect little babies[br]in your hands, our job is not to say,

0:18:26.752,0:18:29.115
"Look at them, look at her,[br]she is perfect.

0:18:29.115,0:18:30.963
My job is just to keep her perfect,

0:18:30.963,0:18:33.448
and make sure she makes[br]the tennis team by 5th grade

0:18:33.448,0:18:35.433
and Yale by 7th grade."

0:18:35.433,0:18:38.140
That's not our job,[br]our job is to look and say,

0:18:38.140,0:18:41.605
"You're imperfect[br]and hard-wired for struggle,

0:18:41.605,0:18:44.322
but you are worthy[br]of love and belonging."

0:18:44.322,0:18:47.964
That's our job. Show me[br]a generation of kids raised like that,

0:18:47.964,0:18:50.980
and we'll end the problems[br]that we see today.

0:18:50.980,0:18:56.062
We pretend that what we do[br]doesn't have an effect on people.

0:18:57.290,0:19:00.656
We do that in our personal lives,[br]we do that corporate

0:19:00.656,0:19:04.502
whether it's a bail out[br]or an oil spill, or a recall.

0:19:05.152,0:19:06.298
We pretend like,

0:19:06.298,0:19:10.434
what we're doing doesn't have[br]a huge impact on other people.

0:19:10.434,0:19:14.030
I would say to companies,[br]"This isn't our first rodeo, people."

0:19:15.137,0:19:18.546
We just need you to be authentic[br]and real and say,

0:19:18.548,0:19:21.548
"We're sorry; we'll fix it."

0:19:24.169,0:19:27.400
But there's another way,[br]and I'll leave you with this.

0:19:27.410,0:19:29.583
This is what I've found:

0:19:29.583,0:19:33.728
to let ourselves be seen,[br]deeply seen, vulnerably seen.

0:19:36.606,0:19:40.469
To love with our whole hearts[br]even though there's no guarantee.

0:19:40.469,0:19:42.429
And that's really hard,

0:19:42.429,0:19:46.019
I can tell you as a parent,[br]that's excruciatingly difficult.

0:19:47.701,0:19:50.499
To practice gratitude and joy

0:19:50.499,0:19:53.715
in those moments of terror[br]when we're wondering,

0:19:53.715,0:19:56.991
"Can I love you this much?[br]Can I believe in this as passionately?

0:19:56.991,0:19:58.581
Can I be this fierce about this?"

0:19:58.581,0:20:00.177
Just to be able to stop

0:20:00.177,0:20:02.773
and instead of catastrophizing[br]about what might happen,

0:20:02.773,0:20:04.503
to say, "I'm just so grateful.

0:20:04.503,0:20:08.000
Because to feel this vulnerable[br]means I'm alive."

0:20:08.000,0:20:11.766
And the last, which I think[br]is probably the most important,

0:20:11.766,0:20:14.282
is to believe that we're enough.

0:20:14.282,0:20:18.773
Because when we work from a place[br]that says, "I'm enough,"

0:20:20.439,0:20:23.599
then we stop screaming,[br]and we start listening.

0:20:23.700,0:20:26.033
We're kinder and gentler[br]to the people around us,

0:20:26.033,0:20:28.366
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

0:20:28.935,0:20:31.230
That's all I have. Thank you.

0:20:31.230,0:20:32.880
(Applause)