WEBVTT

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[Música de Jazz]

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[gritos alegres e aplausos] Obrigado.

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Muito obrigado.

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Muito obrigado.

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Muito obrigado.

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Certo.

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Washington, Distrito da Columbia.

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Muito obrigado por virem para a gravação

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do meu segundo especial de stand-up.

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[gritos alegres e aplausos] Muito animado
de estar aqui.

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Hum... Antes de começar o show, 
eu sei que é provável que tenham

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alguns cartazes que dizem,
sem fotos e coisas dessa natureza,

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e isso é porque
obviamente estamos gravando isso.

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E também, quando eu faço esses shows,
as pessoas podem começar tirando fotos,

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e terão muitos flashes e luzes alaranjadas,

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e pode me distrair um pouco quando 
eu estou tentando

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me concentrar na performance.

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Mas o que eu percebi é que, hum, as
pessoas estão "cagando e andando"

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e elas tiram fotos do mesmo jeito
porque existem umas "bostas de pessoas"

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que vêm nesses shows.

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Quero dizer, olhe quantas pessoas
estão aqui.

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Alguns de vocês são "bostas de pessoas".

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Não há dúvida.

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Se nos conhecêssemos em qualquer outro 
contexto outro que você me pagando

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para me ver contar piadas,
eu tenho certeza que alguns

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de vocês me odiariam com paixão.

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Sem dúvidas disso.

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Eu realmente odeio muito alguns de vocês.

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Então eu pensei que nós poderíamos
nos comprometer com um acordo


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agora mesmo, antes de 
começar o show,

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eu entendo que as pessoas 
gostam de fotos e tal,

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então agora mesmo, antes de 
começar o show,

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eu vou fingir que estou 
no meio de uma piada,

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e vocês podem tirar quantas fotos
vocês quiserem,

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e daí depois disso,
nós teremos um grande show, ok?

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(risadas) (gritos alegres)

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Então lá vamos nós,
se você quiser tirar uma foto

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vá em frente.

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(risadas)

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(risadas e risos abafados)

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Alguma piada falsa onde eu
eu preciso atravessar

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um lugar para rastejar.

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Vamos agir como ahn, vamos agir como se um

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incidente aconteceu com um membro
do público.

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Como o Senhor, poderia levantar-se e agir
como se você estivesse berrando comigo

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por alguma coisa?

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(risadas e aplausos)

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Então... vocês podem mostrar essa foto
pras pessoas e contar

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"É, uma hora no show esse cara
simplesmente levantou

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e era todo tipo "os brancos são a raça superior""

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E o Aziz era tipo "Ohh, isso não é legal,
Senhor, você precisa se sentar."

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Certo, legal, todo mundo com
boas fotos e tudo?

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Muito obrigado por terem vindo
Eu realmente aprecio vocês terem vindo

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Muito obrigado

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Eu vivo, ah, eu vivo em Nova York neste momento.

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[público vibra] E -- sim.

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E eu estou solteiro neste momento, e

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(público vibra) Oh, calem a boca.

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Vocês não querem dizer isso. (riso)

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E sempre que eu vou em bares lá,

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eu tenho esse um amigo.

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Ele é um desses caras
ele é tipo "Ah, cara.

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Qualquer garota bonitinha que você vir,
vai falar com ela, cara.

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O que vai acontecer?

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O que vai acontecer?

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O que vai acontecer?

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Qualquer garota bonitinha que você vir,
simplesmente diga algo.

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qualquer coisa, não importa o quê.

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O que vai acontecer?

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O que vai acontecer?

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O que vai acontecer?"

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Eu te digo o que vai acontecer.

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Aquela garota vai ser cruel pra caramba
comigo sem motivo algum.

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Por que eu vou querer lidar com isso?

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- Oi, como você está?
- Foda-se!

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Certo, eu te vejo depois.

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Vou falar com o meu amigo Brian.
Ele é sempre legal comigo.

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E, claro, eu estou exagerando um pouco,

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mas é como eu me sinto às vezes.

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Uma vez eu cheguei em uma garota
porque eu pensei que

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ela tinha uma bolsa legal no ombro dela.

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Eu disse "Ei, essa é uma bolsa legal"
e ela disse, "Obrigada,"

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e nós começamos a conversar,
e ela pareceu legal.

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Então uma hora a amiga dela chega,

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e quando a amiga dela chega,

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ela fala "Oh, ei. Esse é o Aziz.

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Ele veio falar comigo porque
ele pensou que eu tinha uma bolsa legal."

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e revirou os olhos.

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E eu pensei, "Uau, isso foi realmente rude.

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Sem motivo para fazer aquilo.

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Eu só estava sendo agradável", certo?

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Então eu falei pra mim mesmo
naquele momento,

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"Assim que eu deixar essa conversa,

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eu vou fazer essa garota ter certeza
que eu não dou a mínima para ela,

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e... Eu realmente gosto da bolsa dela."

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Então, em um momento,

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nós estamos sentados e conversando,

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e eu tava tipo, "(finge riso)"

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"Ei, o que é aquilo lá?"

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e então eu roubei a bolsa dela.

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Sim.

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Aquela bolsa é minha agora.

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Eu nunca sei o que dizer
para as garotas em situações como aquela.

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É sempre tão estranho.

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Eu estava almoçando com
um amigo meu uma vez,

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e eu falei pra ele,
"Ei, tem essa garota

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que trabalha nesse restaurante.

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Ela é tão bonitinha, mas eu não sei o que
falar para ela

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e ele fala "Oh, cara, tudo que você
tem que fazer

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é ir até lá e ser honesto
com ela por um minuto."

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Sério? Isso é tudo que eu tenho que fazer?

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Então eu simplesmente preciso chegar

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"Com licença, Senhorita.

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Eu só tenho que ser honesto com você por um minuto.

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Eu como aqui sempre, e quando eu como,
eu fico encarando o seu rosto.

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E eu imagino nós dois fazendo sexo
enquanto eu como meus sanduíches.

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Me avise se você quiser transformar
a minha fantasia na sua realidade."

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Eu não tenho tanta certeza se isso 
funcionaria muito bem.

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As pessoas sempre te dão
o mesmo conselho idiota

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em situações como aquela.

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Eles vão te dizer coisas como,
"Ah, simplesmente deixe uma boa gorjeta."

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Como isso funciona?

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Eu simplesmente ando até ela "Sim,
pode me dar um muffin, por favor?

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Aqui está $100.

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Eu acho que você sabe o que significa.

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Eu estou disponível para fazer sexo
com você pelo preço de $98."

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Eu tava fazendo essa piada
uma noite, e esse cara

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no público simplesmente grita,
"Só diga para ela que você está na TV."

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Sim

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De jeito algum eu vou parecer um babaca
se eu fizer isso, certo?

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"Com licença, senhorita.

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Eu estou na TV.

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(limpa a garganta)... Eu disse...

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Eu estou na TV.

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Eu não sei o que está acontecendo aqui, 
mas esta é a parte

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na qual você começa a "chupar o meu pau"

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Eu acho que é assim que alguns caras acham
que estar na TV é.

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Eu simplesmente chego nos bares
"E aí, pessoal?

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Só para vocês saberem, alguém que apareceu
na TV está aqui.

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Então se você estiver interessado em me 
masturbar no banheiro, vamos fazer fila


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para a esquerda."

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Não. Não é nem de perto assim que funciona.

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Como funciona é que eu entro num bar e
5 caras estão tipo

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"Oh, cara, é aquele cara marrom 
que eu vi naquela coisa!"

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Eeeeeeeei, oh, cara, oh cara, irmão eu não
posso acreditar que você está aqui

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Você precisa tirar uma foto comigo e com o
meu filhote. Mas meu filhote está

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na minha casa, então temos que dirigir até
lá agora." Isso não parece muito seguro.

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Eu estive em um relacionamento por muitos
anos e eu penso que

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enquanto eu estava em um relacionamento
toda a comunicação de encontros tornou-se


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exclusivamente por mensagens de texto. 
Você não pode mais ligar para ninguém.

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Você liga para alguém e eles ficam tipo 
"O quê? Você está pegando fogo?

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Pare de me fazer perder tempo, me mande 
essa merda por mensagem"

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E eu não gosto de mandar mensagens para as
pessoas. Especialmente para garotas porque

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sempre há erros de comunicação.

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Esta é uma situação em que eu me 
meto todo o tempo.

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Eu mando uma mensagem para uma garota,
ela manda outra mensagem na hora.

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Eu respondo no mesmo instante.
Ela me responde no mesmo instante.

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Eu respondo no mesmo instante.
Ela me responde no mesmo instante.

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Eu respondo no mesmo instante.
Ela me responde no mesmo instante.

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Daí eu vou falar algo tipo "Certo, legal,
então você quer comer uma pizza

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na Terça?"
E eu não ouço mais nada.

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E eu fico tipo "O que acabou de acontecer?
Eu sei que você leu essa merda. Você

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respondeu outras 20 coisas que eu acabei
de mandar. O que, você não gosta mais de mim?

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Você não tem dois segundos para dizer
'sim, eu quero comer pizza?'

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ou 'não, eu não quero comer pizza'?

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O que, você trancou o seu telefone num
armário e foi andar numa montanha-russa

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por algumas horas? Qual é o caso?

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E depois de algumas horas sem resposta
eu fico bem chateado.

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E eu só quer mandar uma mensagem que diz 
algo tipo

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"Bem, adivinha quem acabou de ser 
desconvidada para a festa da pizza?

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Você, porque eu te odeio agora!"

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A garota me responde algo
"Desculpe, eu estava no recital de balé

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da minha sobrinha e nós tínhamos que
desligar os nossos telefones."

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Não importa, acabou tudo.
Eu acabei com aquela pizza horas atrás.

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Eu estou com o meu amigo Brian e ele
é legal comigo.

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Eu saí com essa garota em Los Angeles algumas vezes.

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Ela era bem legal e a última vez que eu 
estava em Los Angeles eu liguei pra ela.

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E chamei ela pra jantar e ela
"Sim, claro"

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Daí duas horas antes do nosso encontro
ela me liga e fala

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"Aziz, eu realmente quero sair para jantar
com você, mas eu meio que tenho um namorado.

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Agora, isso é um problema?"

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E eu disse "Sim, é tipo o maior problema 
que nós poderíamos ter.

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Por que eu sairia com você se você meio
que tem um namorado agora?"

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O que vem depois? Ei, Aziz, eu tenho 
ingressos para esse parque de diversões, mas você não

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pode ir em nenhuma das atrações, é um problema?
Sim, é um problema! Eu queria ir nas...


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naquelas atrações, é todo o motivo para
eu ir no parque de diversões.

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Esses ingressos que você me deu são inúteis.

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Ei, Aziz, eu comprei pra você uma prensa
de panini da Amazon, mas mandei entregar

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na minha amiga Lisa ao invés de você, 
é um problema?

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Sim, é um problema,
esse não é o meu endereço!

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E eu não tenho as informações de contato
da Lisa e agora ela faz os seus paninis,

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eu realmente quero um.
Qual é o melhor cenário?

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Nós saímos nesse maravilhoso encontro com 
jantar, passamos momentos fantásticos, voltamos

00:09:45.266 --> 00:09:49.898
para a minha casa. Ela "Aziz, eu realmente
me diverti no jantar hoje de noite e gostaria

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de fazer sexo oral em você. Mas, eu vou
usar o pinto do meu namorado ao invés do seu.

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É um problema?"

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Sim, é um problema. Parece que você vai
chupar o pau do seu namorado

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na minha casa.

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É sempre meio deprimente para mim quando
eu falo com garotas que têm namorados.

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Porque quando eu pergunto como eles se
conheceram, nunca é uma história fofa.

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Tipo "Ah, ele era esse cara legal e ele tava
fazendo trabalho voluntário e um dia ele disse

00:10:18.905 --> 00:10:22.331
algo legal para mim e me deu uma flor
e nós começamos a sair."

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Não. É sempre alguma história tipo "Eu tava
na balada e esse cara veio até mim e

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falou "Eu estive encarando a sua bunda a
noite toda. Tudo bem se eu te levar para sair

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em algum momento? E eu falei "Sim!"

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Por que você diria sim para aquilo?

00:10:37.778 --> 00:10:39.998
'Eu não sei, o que seria o pior que 
poderia acontecer?'

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O que seria o pior que poderia acontecer?
Ele poderia pôr algo na sua bebida

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e te estuprar,
isso é o pior que poderia acontecer.

00:10:45.232 --> 00:10:47.920
Ele poderia te matar e usar as suas pernas
para fazer pernas de pau que parecem pernas.

00:10:47.920 --> 00:10:51.115
Outra coisa que poderia acontecer.

00:10:51.115 --> 00:10:54.266
Mas esse é o meu problema, eu penso muito.

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Vá num bar e observe as pessoas, você vê
dois tipos diferentes de caras.

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Existe um tipo de cara, 
o tipo de cara que eu sou.

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Nós geralmente estamos numa esquina
falando um com o outro'

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'Eee, ee. Eu não sei, oooohhhh, eu não 
sei, eu não sei, eu não sei.

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Vamos simplesmente falar um com
o outro esta noite, Brian.'

00:11:08.795 --> 00:11:14.036


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