WEBVTT

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[Jazz music]

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[cheers and applause] Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you very much.

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Alright.

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Washington, d.c.

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Thank you so much for 
coming out to the taping

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for my second stand-up special.

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[cheers and applause] 
Very excited to be here.

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Before we start the show, 
I know there's probably

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some signs up saying, 
no photos and things of that nature,

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and that's just because 
obviously we're taping this.

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And also, when I do these shows, 
people can start taking photos,

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and there'll be a lot of 
flashing and orange lights,

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and it can be a little 
distracting when I'm trying

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to focus on the performance.

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But what I've realized is 
that people don't give a shit,

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and they take photos anyway, 
because there are some shitty people

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that come to these shows.

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And, look how many people in here.

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Some of you are shitty people.

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There's no question.

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If we met in any other context 
besides you paying me money

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to see me tell jokes, 
I'm sure there are some

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of you I would hate with a passion.

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No question about it.

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I really hate some of you a lot.

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So what I thought we could 
do as a compromise--

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right now, before I start the show,

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I understand people like photos and stuff,

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so right now, before we start the show,

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I'm gonna pretend like 
I'm in the middle of a joke,

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and you can take as many 
photos as you want,

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and then after that, 
we'll have a great show, okay?

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(laughter)

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Let's act like an incident happened 
with an audience member

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Like sir, could you stand up 
and act like you're yelling at me--

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about something?

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(laughter)

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So you can show that photo
to people and be like

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'yeah at one point in the show 
this guy just stood up

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and was like whites are the superior race'

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And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,
sir, you need to sit down."

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Okay, so everybody good with
photos and everything?

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Thank you so much for coming out
I really appreciate you coming out

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I really appreciate you coming out.

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I live, uh--i live in New York right now.

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[audience cheers] And--yes.

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And I'm single right now, and--

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[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.

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You don't mean that shit.

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And whenever I go out to bars there,

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I have this one friend of mine.

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He's one of these guys 
he's like, "aw, man.

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Any cute girl you see, 
just go talk to her, man.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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Any cute girl you see, 
just say something,

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anything, it doesn't matter what.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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" I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

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That girl is gonna be mean as shit 
to me for no reason at all.

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Why do I want to deal with that?

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- Hi how are you? 
- Fuck you!

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All right. I'll see you later.

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I'll go talk to my friend Brian. 
He's always nice to me.

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And, sure, that's a little bit 
of an exaggeration,

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but that is how it feels sometimes.

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I once went up to this girl 
'cause I thought

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she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

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I said, "hey, that's a nice bag" 
and she said, "thank you,"

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and we started talking, 
and she seemed nice.

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Then at one point, her friend comes over,

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and when the girl's friend comes over,

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she goes, "oh, hey. this is Aziz.

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He came to talk to me 'cause 
he thought I had a cool bag"

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and rolled her eyes.

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And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.

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No reason to do that.

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I was just being nice," right?

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So I said to myself right there,

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"whenever I leave this conversation,

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I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

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And I really like her bag" 
so, at one point,

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we're sitting there talking,

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and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "

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"Hey what's that over there?"

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and then I stole her purse.

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Yeah.

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That bag's mine now.

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I never know what to say 
to girls in situations like that.

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It's always so awkward.

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I was having lunch 
with a friend of mine once,

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and I told him, 
"hey, there's this one girl

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that works in this restaurant.

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She's so cute, but I don't know what to
say to her

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and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do

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is go over there and be honest 
with her for a minute" really?

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That's all I gotta do?

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So I just need to walk over--

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"excuse me, miss.

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I just need to be real honest 
with you for a minute.

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I eat here all the time, 
and when I do, I stare at your face.

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And I imagine us fucking 
while I eat my sandwiches.

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Let me know if you'd like to turn 
my fantasy into your reality. "

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I'm not sure that would work out too well.

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People always give you 
the same dumb advice

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in situations like that.

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They'll say things like, 
" Oh just leave her a big tip."

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how does that work?

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I just walk over-- "yes, 
can I get a muffin, please?

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Here's $100.

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I think you know what that means.

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I'm willing to have sex 
with you for the price of $98."

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I was doing that joke 
one night, and this guy

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in the audience just yells, 
" Just tell her you're on TV."

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yeah.

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There's no way I'll sound 
like a jerk if I do that, right?

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"Excuse me, miss.

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I'm on tv

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[clears throat] ... I said I'm on tv

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I don't know what's going 
on here, but this is the part

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where you start sucking my dick

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I guess that's what some dudes 
think being on tv's like.

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I just walk into bars
"What's up everybody?

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Just so you know someone that's appeared 
on television is here.

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So if you're interested in giving me a 
handjob in the restroom let's line up

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to the left."

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No. That's not how it works at all.

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How it works is I walk into a bar and
5 dudes are like

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"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw
on that thing!

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Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't 
believe you're here

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You've gotta take a photo with me
and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-

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though, we gotta drive there now."
That doesn't sound safe.

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I was in a relationship for a few years 
and I think

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while I was in the relationship
all dating communication went exclusively-

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to text. You can't call anybody anymore.

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You call someone and they're like
"What? Are you on fire?

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Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."

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And I don't like texting people. 
Especially girls because there's always

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miscommunication that happens.

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This is a situation I get into all the 
time.

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I'll text a girl, she texts me back 
right away.

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I text her right away. 
She texts me back right away.

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I text her back right away, 
She texts me back right away.

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I text her back right away
She texts me back right away.

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Then I'll say something like 
"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--

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on Tuesday?"
And then I don't hear anything.

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And I'm like "What just happened? 
I know you read that shit. You responded--

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to 20 other things I just sent.
What do you not like me anymore?

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You don't have two seconds to say
'yes I want to get pizza?'

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or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"

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What did you chuck your phone into
a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--

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a few hours? What's the deal?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And after a few hours of no response
I get real upset.

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And I just want to send a text that says
something like

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"Well guess who just got invited 
to the pizza party?

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You didn't 'cus I hate you now."

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Girl always writes something back
"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-

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we had to turn off our phones."

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Whatever we're done. 
I finished that pizza hours ago.

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I'm up with my friend Brian and he's 
nice to me.

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I went out with this girl in LA 
a few times. 


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She was really nice and last time I was in
LA, I called her up.

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And asked her out to dinner and she's 
like "Yeah, sure"

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Then 2 hours before our date she calls me 
up and she goes

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"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner
with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.

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Now is that a problem?"

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And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest
problem we could have.

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Why would I go out with you 
if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"

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What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets
to this carnival but you can't ride--

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any rides, is that a problem?
Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--

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those rides, that's the whole point of me
going to the carnival.

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These tickets you gave me are useless.

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Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of
Amazon but I shipped it to my friend

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Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?

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Yeah that's a problem, 
that's not my address!

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And I don't have Lisa's contact info
and now she makes your paninis,

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I really want one. 
What's the best case scenario?

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We go out on this amazing dinner date,
have a fantastic time, come back to my--

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place. She's like "Aziz I had a really 
time at dinner tonight and I wanna give

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you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my 
boyfriend's penis instead of yours.

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Is that a problem?"

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Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're 
gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--

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at my house.

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It's always kinda depressing to me when I
talk to girls who have boyfriends.

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Because when you ask then how they met 
their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was
doing volunteer work and one day he said

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
something nice to me and gave me a flower
and we started going out."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
No. It's always a story like "I was at 
the club and this guy came up to me and

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
was like 'I've been staring at your ass 
all night. Is it cool if I take you out

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Why would you say yes to that?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'I don't know what's the worst that
could happen?'

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
What's the worst that could happen?
He could put something in your drink

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and rape you, 
that's the worst that could happen.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
He could murder you and use your legs to 
make stilts that look like legs.


99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Another thing that could happen.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But that's my problem is that I think too 
much.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Go to a bar and watch people, you see two 
different types of guys.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
There's one type of guy, that's a guy like
me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin
to each other

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't 
know, I don't know, I don't know.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Let's just talk to each 
other tonight Brian.'

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Then, there's a second type of dude: 
The dumb dudes.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They're at the bar, they don't care about
anything. They're like

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop
it in a beer with a bunch of other shit

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ubleeeeheeeeheee, 
I'll sing anything to anybody.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Then they go up to some girl and they're
like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Ah, I just wanted to say you look really
beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
day I'd be able to put my hands on 
your titties. My name's Kevin."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my 
boyfriend for 3 years?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really 
shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I want?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never 
break up with you."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Then they leave together. Meanwhile...
I finally get up my courage:

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Uh, that's a nice jacket."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Get the fuck outta my face."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And then some Indian dude that 
recognizes me from the tv

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
will invite me back 
to his dorm to play video games.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You ever at a party and you're talking to 
a guy and you think "Wow, this guy

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met 
maybe all year, what a dumb person

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I cannot wait to get outta this 
conversation with this dumb person"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And they say something like 
"Yeah and I got two kids, "

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.
You can't have two kids you're so stupid.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
What are you doing raising kids? You're 
so dumb! You're raising murderers."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This happens to me all the time. It's so 
terrifying.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I was talking to a dude at a party who is
26 years old, had a three year old son.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" 
And then a few minutes later

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I overheard him telling a group of people 
the story about how a week earlier he'd

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni 
and cheese.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
woah,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl
of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are 
over.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And he's sitting here telling people this 
story. And he's like

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Yeah and then I put the condom on" 
and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not 
trying to get cheese all over my dick ."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
As if that were a totally reasonable
thing to say.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
As if I were the weird one for even 
bringing up the question.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And I told him, " You don' understand
in this situation, putting the condom on

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
makes everything way worse." 'Cus that 
means the whole time he went to go find a

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
box of condoms, open the box of condoms,
take the condom out, open the condom

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go 
back to the macaroni.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That whole time he never once thought, 
"You know what, maybe I don't need to

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe
I could do literally anything else and it

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
would be a better use of my time. "

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How are you gonna do something like that 
when you have a kid?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
What if his kid saw that? He'd never be 
able to tell that kid anything.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Hey be nice to be people, do good in 
school."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni
and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
advice? By the way I'm three years old, my
language skills are very impressive,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Maybe I should just ride this shit out on
my own."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(crowd cheering)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I have, uh, internet access right now. 
'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
sure some of you guys are online as well. 
And I like the internet, but it's really

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
annoying sometimes. Like does this 
situation happen to you?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You're sitting at your computer, working
on something really important. And you

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made
more money than Home Alone 1.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I gotta look into this now. Sorry, 
important work, something more pressing

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
has come up. I do stuff like 
that all the time.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And what's so annoying is that once I 
start looking into one thing,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'll see something else I want to 
research.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
For example, In the Home Alone situation.
Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, 
I don't know much about Joe Pesci.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Maybe I should learn everything about
Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
all this Joe Pesci research. And now
I know so much about Joe Pesci.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
But it's useless information, It's never
going to help me.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I never heard of a situation where a guy
been in an alley doing the knife,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"You're gonna die tonight unless you can 
tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
put out when he was a little kid."
"Little Joe sure can sing."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so 
many people know that? I need to stop

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my 
murders. People know more about him than

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I anticipated."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I always waste time like that. 
The other night I was up late, I remember

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I've never seen any of those Saw movies 
before. They're not supposed to be

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
particularly good movies. But my friend 
told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."
And I love twists at the end of movies.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw
ending' and sure enough the clip comes up

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz
you didn't see the rest of the movie, the

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
clip won't make sense."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went
on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
plot summary and when I got to the last 
paragraph, I stopped.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Then I went back and watched that video. 
And let me tell you I did not see that--

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
coming."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Someone recently sent me a password 
to one of those online porn sites.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And the password worked.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And I don't know if anyone here's 
ever had membership access

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to any of those sites, 
but it is incredible.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If you're kind of on the fence, 
like, "i don't know, it just doesn't

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
seem like it would be 
worth it to spend--" do it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, the trend in these sites 
is they try to make it seem

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
like this stuff all really happened.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Like this is real life.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
These aren't actors, 
this stuff really happened.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So they have dumb names like 
"RealLifeDickParty.com"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and the videos are all the same.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
These guys go up to 
some girls, they're like,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"excuse me, you girls want to come back 
to our place and have a dick party?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and the girls are always like "Yeah!" 
and they get in their car,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they drive back to the house, 
they have sex, they film it, and it goes

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
RealLifeDickParty.com!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Does anyone think those clips are real?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If they want people to think it's real, 
every now and then,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they should have a clip where 
some guys go up to some girls, like,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"excuse me, uh, you girls want 
to come back to our place

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and have a dick party?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and the girl's like, "what?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
That's disgusting!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Get out of here you asshole!"
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
then you're at home like, 
"man, I guess it is real.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Those girls didn't want to 
have a dick party at all.