[Jazz music]
[cheers and applause] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Alright.
Washington, d.c.
Thank you so much for coming out to the taping
for my second stand-up special.
[cheers and applause] Very excited to be here.
Before we start the show, I know there's probably
some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature,
and that's just because obviously we're taping this.
And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos,
and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights,
and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying
to focus on the performance.
But what I've realized is that people don't give a shit,
and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people
that come to these shows.
And, look how many people in here.
Some of you are shitty people.
There's no question.
If we met in any other context besides you paying me money
to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some
of you I would hate with a passion.
No question about it.
I really hate some of you a lot.
So what I thought we could do as a compromise--
right now, before I start the show,
I understand people like photos and stuff,
so right now, before we start the show,
I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke,
and you can take as many photos as you want,
and then after that, we'll have a great show, okay?
(laughter)
Let's act like an incident happened with an audience member
Like sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me--
about something?
(laughter)
So you can show that photo to people and be like
'yeah at one point in the show this guy just stood up
and was like whites are the superior race'
And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool, sir, you need to sit down."
Okay, so everybody good with photos and everything?
Thank you so much for coming out I really appreciate you coming out
I really appreciate you coming out.
I live, uh--i live in New York right now.
[audience cheers] And--yes.
And I'm single right now, and--
[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.
You don't mean that shit.
And whenever I go out to bars there,
I have this one friend of mine.
He's one of these guys he's like, "aw, man.
Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man.
What's gonna happen?
Any cute girl you see, just say something,
anything, it doesn't matter what.
What's gonna happen?
" I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all.
Why do I want to deal with that?
- Hi how are you? - Fuck you!
All right. I'll see you later.
I'll go talk to my friend Brian. He's always nice to me.
And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration,
but that is how it feels sometimes.
I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought
she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
I said, "hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "thank you,"
and we started talking, and she seemed nice.
Then at one point, her friend comes over,
and when the girl's friend comes over,
she goes, "oh, hey. this is Aziz.
He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag"
and rolled her eyes.
And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.
No reason to do that.
I was just being nice," right?
So I said to myself right there,
"whenever I leave this conversation,
I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her,
And I really like her bag" so, at one point,
we're sitting there talking,
and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "
"Hey what's that over there?"
and then I stole her purse.
Yeah.
That bag's mine now.
I never know what to say to girls in situations like that.
It's always so awkward.
I was having lunch with a friend of mine once,
and I told him, "hey, there's this one girl
that works in this restaurant.
She's so cute, but I don't know what to say to her
and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do
is go over there and be honest with her for a minute" really?
That's all I gotta do?
So I just need to walk over--
"excuse me, miss.
I just need to be real honest with you for a minute.
I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face.
And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches.
Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy into your reality. "
I'm not sure that would work out too well.
People always give you the same dumb advice
in situations like that.
They'll say things like, " Oh just leave her a big tip."
how does that work?
I just walk over-- "yes, can I get a muffin, please?
Here's $100.
I think you know what that means.
I'm willing to have sex with you for the price of $98."
I was doing that joke one night, and this guy
in the audience just yells, " Just tell her you're on TV."
yeah.
There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right?
"Excuse me, miss.
I'm on tv
[clears throat] ... I said I'm on tv
I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part
where you start sucking my dick
I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like.
I just walk into bars "What's up everybody?
Just so you know someone that's appeared on television is here.
So if you're interested in giving me a handjob in the restroom let's line up
to the left."
No. That's not how it works at all.
How it works is I walk into a bar and 5 dudes are like
"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw on that thing!
Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't believe you're here
You've gotta take a photo with me and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-
though, we gotta drive there now." That doesn't sound safe.
I was in a relationship for a few years and I think
while I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively-
to text. You can't call anybody anymore.
You call someone and they're like "What? Are you on fire?
Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."
And I don't like texting people. Especially girls because there's always
miscommunication that happens.
This is a situation I get into all the time.
I'll text a girl, she texts me back right away.
I text her right away. She texts me back right away.
I text her back right away, She texts me back right away.
I text her back right away She texts me back right away.
Then I'll say something like "Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--
on Tuesday?" And then I don't hear anything.
And I'm like "What just happened? I know you read that shit. You responded--
to 20 other things I just sent. What do you not like me anymore?
You don't have two seconds to say 'yes I want to get pizza?'
or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"
What did you chuck your phone into a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--
a few hours? What's the deal?
And after a few hours of no response I get real upset.
And I just want to send a text that says something like
"Well guess who just got invited to the pizza party?
You didn't 'cus I hate you now."
Girl always writes something back "Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-
we had to turn off our phones."
Whatever we're done. I finished that pizza hours ago.
I'm up with my friend Brian and he's nice to me.
I went out with this girl in LA a few times.
She was really nice and last time I was in LA, I called her up.
And asked her out to dinner and she's like "Yeah, sure"
Then 2 hours before our date she calls me up and she goes
"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.
Now is that a problem?"
And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest problem we could have.
Why would I go out with you if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"
What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets to this carnival but you can't ride--
any rides, is that a problem? Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--
those rides, that's the whole point of me going to the carnival.
These tickets you gave me are useless.
Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of Amazon but I shipped it to my friend
Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?
Yeah that's a problem, that's not my address!
And I don't have Lisa's contact info and now she makes your paninis,
I really want one. What's the best case scenario?
We go out on this amazing dinner date, have a fantastic time, come back to my--
place. She's like "Aziz I had a really time at dinner tonight and I wanna give
you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my boyfriend's penis instead of yours.
Is that a problem?"
Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--
at my house.
It's always kinda depressing to me when I talk to girls who have boyfriends.
Because when you ask then how they met their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.
Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was doing volunteer work and one day he said
something nice to me and gave me a flower and we started going out."
No. It's always a story like "I was at the club and this guy came up to me and
was like 'I've been staring at your ass all night. Is it cool if I take you out
sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"
Why would you say yes to that?
'I don't know what's the worst that could happen?'
What's the worst that could happen? He could put something in your drink
and rape you, that's the worst that could happen.
He could murder you and use your legs to make stilts that look like legs.
Another thing that could happen.
But that's my problem is that I think too much.
Go to a bar and watch people, you see two different types of guys.
There's one type of guy, that's a guy like me.
We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin to each other
'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
Let's just talk to each other tonight Brian.'
Then, there's a second type of dude: The dumb dudes.
They're at the bar, they don't care about anything. They're like
"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit
Ubleeeeheeeeheee, I'll sing anything to anybody.
Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."
Then they go up to some girl and they're like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,
Ah, I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one
day I'd be able to put my hands on your titties. My name's Kevin."
"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my boyfriend for 3 years?"
"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever
I want?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never break up with you."
Then they leave together. Meanwhile... I finally get up my courage:
"Uh, that's a nice jacket."
"Get the fuck outta my face."
And then some Indian dude that recognizes me from the tv
will invite me back to his dorm to play video games.
Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.
You ever at a party and you're talking to a guy and you think "Wow, this guy
is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met maybe all year, what a dumb person
I cannot wait to get outta this conversation with this dumb person"
And they say something like "Yeah and I got two kids, "
And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo. You can't have two kids you're so stupid.
What are you doing raising kids? You're so dumb! You're raising murderers."
This happens to me all the time. It's so terrifying.
I was talking to a dude at a party who is 26 years old, had a three year old son.
And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" And then a few minutes later
I overheard him telling a group of people the story about how a week earlier he'd
tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah,
You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid
the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are over.
And he's sitting here telling people this story. And he's like
"Yeah and then I put the condom on" and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--
for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick ."
As if that were a totally reasonable thing to say.
As if I were the weird one for even bringing up the question.
Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.
And I told him, " You don' understand in this situation, putting the condom on
makes everything way worse." 'Cus that means the whole time he went to go find a
box of condoms, open the box of condoms, take the condom out, open the condom
wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go back to the macaroni.
That whole time he never once thought, "You know what, maybe I don't need to
fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe I could do literally anything else and it
would be a better use of my time. "
How are you gonna do something like that when you have a kid?
What if his kid saw that? He'd never be able to tell that kid anything.
"Hey be nice to be people, do good in school."
"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--
advice? By the way I'm three years old, my language skills are very impressive,
Maybe I should just ride this shit out on my own."
(crowd cheering)
I have, uh, internet access right now. 'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm
sure some of you guys are online as well. And I like the internet, but it's really
annoying sometimes. Like does this situation happen to you?
You're sitting at your computer, working on something really important. And you
think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1.
I gotta look into this now. Sorry, important work, something more pressing
has come up. I do stuff like that all the time.
And what's so annoying is that once I start looking into one thing,
I'll see something else I want to research.
For example, In the Home Alone situation. Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like
"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, I don't know much about Joe Pesci.
Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing
all this Joe Pesci research. And now I know so much about Joe Pesci.
But it's useless information, It's never going to help me.
I never heard of a situation where a guy been in an alley doing the knife,
"You're gonna die tonight unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci
put out when he was a little kid." "Little Joe sure can sing."
"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so many people know that? I need to stop
integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders. People know more about him than
I anticipated."
I always waste time like that. The other night I was up late, I remember
I've never seen any of those Saw movies before. They're not supposed to be
particularly good movies. But my friend told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the
twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy." And I love twists at the end of movies.
So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw ending' and sure enough the clip comes up
And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz you didn't see the rest of the movie, the
clip won't make sense."
Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the
plot summary and when I got to the last paragraph, I stopped.
Then I went back and watched that video. And let me tell you I did not see that--
coming."