[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] >> Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Washington, d.c.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for \Ncoming out to the taping
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for my second stand-up special.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] \NVery excited to be here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Before we start the show, \NI know there's probably
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some signs up saying, \Nno photos and things of that nature,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's just because \Nobviously we're taping this.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also, when I do these shows, \Npeople can start taking photos,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there'll be a lot of \Nflashing and orange lights,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it can be a little \Ndistracting when I'm trying
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to focus on the performance.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I've realized is \Nthat people don't give a shit,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they take photos anyway, \Nbecause there are some shitty people
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that come to these shows.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An, look how many people in here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of you are shitty people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no question.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we met in any other context \Nbesides you paying me money
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to see me tell jokes, \NI'm sure there are some
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of you I would hate with a passion.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No question about it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really hate some of you a lot.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I thought we could \Ndo as a compromise--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right now, before I start the show,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand people like photos and stuff,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so right now, before we start the show,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna pretend like \NI'm in the middle of a joke,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you can take as many \Nphotos as you want,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,er that, we'll have a great show, okay?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here we go.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to snap a photo, go for it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some fake joke where I need \Nto go through a crawlspace.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's act like--let's act like an incident
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,happened with an audience member.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, sir, could you stand up and
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act like you're yelling \Nat me about something?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you can show that photo \Nto people and tell 'em, yeah,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at one point in the show, \Nthis guy just stood up and was like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'whites are the superior race' \Nand aziz was like, \N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'whoa, that's not cool, sir.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'You need to sit down" all right, cool.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everybody good with photos and everything?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for coming out.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really appreciate you coming out.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I live, uh--i live in New York right now.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[audience cheers] And--yes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm single right now, and--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't mean that shit.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And whenever I go out to bars there,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have this one friend of mine.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's one of these guys \Nhe's like, "aw, man.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any cute girl you see, \Njust go talk to her, man.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any cute girl you see, \Njust say something,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anything, it doesn't matter what.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,," I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That girl is gonna be mean as shit \Nto me for no reason at all.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do I want to deal with that?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Hi how are you? \N- Fuck you!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right. I'll see you later.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll go talk to my friend brian. \NHe's always nice to me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, sure, that's a little bit \Nof an exaggeration,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that is how it feels sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I once went up to this girl \N'cause I thought
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "hey, that's a nice bag" \Nand she said, "thank you,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we started talking, \Nand she seemed nice.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then at one point, her friend comes over,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when the girl's friend comes over,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He came to talk to me 'cause \Nhe thought I had a cool bag"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rolled her eyes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No reason to do that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was just being nice," right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said to myself right there,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"whenever I leave this conversation,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna make sure this girl knows\NI don't give a shit about her,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I really like her bag" \Nso, at one point,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're sitting there talking,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I stole her purse.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That bag's mine now.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never know what to say \Nto girls in situations like that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always so awkward.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was having lunch \Nwith a friend of mine once,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I told him, "hey, there's this one girl
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that works in this restaurant.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's so cute, but I don't "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is go over there and be honest " really?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's all I gotta do?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I just need to walk over--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"excuse me, miss.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just need to be real honest \Nwith you for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I eat here all the time, \Nand when I do, I stare at your face.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I imagine us fucking \Nwhile I eat my sandwiches.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not sure that would work out too well.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People always give you \Nthe same dumb advice
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in situations like that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll say things like, "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how does that work?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just walk over-- "yes, \Ncan I get a muffin, please?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's $100.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you know what that means.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm willing to have sex \Nwith you for the price
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was doing that joke \None night, and this guy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the audience just yells, " yeah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no way I'll sound \Nlike a jerk if I do that, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Excuse me, miss.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,," [clears throat] ..
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm on tv.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what's going \Non here, but this is the part
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you start "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess that's what some dudes \Nthink being on tv's like.