[cheers and applause] >> Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Washington, d.c.
Thank you so much for coming out to the taping
for my second stand-up special.
[cheers and applause] Very excited to be here.
Before we start the show, I know there's probably
some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature,
and that's just because obviously we're taping this.
And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos,
and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights,
and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying
to focus on the performance.
But what I've realized is that people don't give a shit,
and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people
that come to these shows.
An, look how many people in here.
Some of you are shitty people.
There's no question.
If we met in any other context besides you paying me money
to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some
of you I would hate with a passion.
No question about it.
I really hate some of you a lot.
So what I thought we could do as a compromise--
right now, before I start the show,
I understand people like photos and stuff,
so right now, before we start the show,
I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke,
and you can take as many photos as you want,
er that, we'll have a great show, okay?
So here we go.
If you want to snap a photo, go for it.
Some fake joke where I need to go through a crawlspace.
Let's act like--let's act like an incident
happened with an audience member.
Like, sir, could you stand up and
act like you're yelling at me about something?
So you can show that photo to people and tell 'em, yeah,
at one point in the show, this guy just stood up and was like,
'whites are the superior race' and aziz was like,
'whoa, that's not cool, sir.
'You need to sit down" all right, cool.
Everybody good with photos and everything?
Thank you so much for coming out.
I really appreciate you coming out.
Thank you so much.
I live, uh--i live in New York right now.
[audience cheers] And--yes.
And I'm single right now, and--
[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.
You don't mean that shit.
And whenever I go out to bars there,
I have this one friend of mine.
He's one of these guys he's like, "aw, man.
Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man.
What's gonna happen?
Any cute girl you see, just say something,
anything, it doesn't matter what.
What's gonna happen?
" I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all.
Why do I want to deal with that?
- Hi how are you? - Fuck you!
All right. I'll see you later.
I'll go talk to my friend brian. He's always nice to me.
And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration,
but that is how it feels sometimes.
I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought
she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
I said, "hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "thank you,"
and we started talking, and she seemed nice.
Then at one point, her friend comes over,
and when the girl's friend comes over,
she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz.
He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag"
and rolled her eyes.
And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.
No reason to do that.
I was just being nice," right?
So I said to myself right there,
"whenever I leave this conversation,
I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her,
And I really like her bag" so, at one point,
we're sitting there talking,
and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "
and then I stole her purse.
Yeah.
That bag's mine now.
I never know what to say to girls in situations like that.
It's always so awkward.
I was having lunch with a friend of mine once,
and I told him, "hey, there's this one girl
that works in this restaurant.
She's so cute, but I don't "
and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do
is go over there and be honest " really?
That's all I gotta do?
So I just need to walk over--
"excuse me, miss.
I just need to be real honest with you for a minute.
I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face.
And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches.
Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy "
I'm not sure that would work out too well.
People always give you the same dumb advice
in situations like that.
They'll say things like, "
how does that work?
I just walk over-- "yes, can I get a muffin, please?
Here's $100.
I think you know what that means.
I'm willing to have sex with you for the price
I was doing that joke one night, and this guy
in the audience just yells, " yeah.
There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right?
"Excuse me, miss.
" [clears throat] ..
I'm on tv.
I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part
where you start "
I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like.