WEBVTT 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] >> Thank you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All right. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Washington, d.c. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much for coming out to the taping 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for my second stand-up special. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] Very excited to be here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Before we start the show, I know there's probably 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that's just because obviously we're taping this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to focus on the performance. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what I've realized is that people don't give a shit, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that come to these shows. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 An, look how many people in here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some of you are shitty people. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no question. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If we met in any other context besides you paying me money 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of you I would hate with a passion. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No question about it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really hate some of you a lot. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So what I thought we could do as a compromise-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 right now, before I start the show, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I understand people like photos and stuff, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so right now, before we start the show, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you can take as many photos as you want, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 er that, we'll have a great show, okay? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So here we go. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If you want to snap a photo, go for it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some fake joke where I need to go through a crawlspace. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's act like--let's act like an incident 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 happened with an audience member. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like, sir, could you stand up and 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 act like you're yelling at me about something? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So you can show that photo to people and tell 'em, yeah, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at one point in the show, this guy just stood up and was like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'whites are the superior race' and aziz was like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'whoa, that's not cool, sir. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'You need to sit down" all right, cool. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Everybody good with photos and everything? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much for coming out. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really appreciate you coming out. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I live, uh--i live in New York right now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [audience cheers] And--yes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I'm single right now, and-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [audience cheers] Oh, shut up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You don't mean that shit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And whenever I go out to bars there, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have this one friend of mine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He's one of these guys he's like, "aw, man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Any cute girl you see, just say something, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 anything, it doesn't matter what. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 " I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why do I want to deal with that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 - Hi how are you? - Fuck you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All right. I'll see you later. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll go talk to my friend brian. He's always nice to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but that is how it feels sometimes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she had a cool purse on her shoulder. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said, "hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "thank you," 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and we started talking, and she seemed nice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then at one point, her friend comes over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and when the girl's friend comes over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and rolled her eyes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I thought, "wow, that's really rude. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No reason to do that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was just being nice," right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I said to myself right there, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "whenever I leave this conversation, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I really like her bag" so, at one point, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we're sitting there talking, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then I stole her purse. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That bag's mine now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I never know what to say to girls in situations like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's always so awkward. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was having lunch with a friend of mine once, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I told him, "hey, there's this one girl 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that works in this restaurant. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's so cute, but I don't " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is go over there and be honest " really?