9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cheers and applause] >> Thank you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you very much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you very much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 All right. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Washington, d.c. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much for [br]coming out to the taping 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 for my second stand-up special. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cheers and applause] [br]Very excited to be here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Before we start the show, [br]I know there's probably 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 some signs up saying, [br]no photos and things of that nature, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and that's just because [br]obviously we're taping this. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And also, when I do these shows, [br]people can start taking photos, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and there'll be a lot of [br]flashing and orange lights, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it can be a little [br]distracting when I'm trying 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to focus on the performance. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But what I've realized is [br]that people don't give a shit, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they take photos anyway, [br]because there are some shitty people 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that come to these shows. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 An, look how many people in here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some of you are shitty people. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's no question. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If we met in any other context [br]besides you paying me money 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to see me tell jokes, [br]I'm sure there are some 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of you I would hate with a passion. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No question about it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I really hate some of you a lot. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So what I thought we could [br]do as a compromise-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 right now, before I start the show, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I understand people like photos and stuff, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so right now, before we start the show, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm gonna pretend like [br]I'm in the middle of a joke, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and you can take as many [br]photos as you want, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 er that, we'll have a great show, okay? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So here we go. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If you want to snap a photo, go for it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some fake joke where I need [br]to go through a crawlspace. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let's act like--let's act like an incident 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 happened with an audience member. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like, sir, could you stand up and 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 act like you're yelling [br]at me about something? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So you can show that photo [br]to people and tell 'em, yeah, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 at one point in the show, [br]this guy just stood up and was like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'whites are the superior race' [br]and aziz was like, [br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'whoa, that's not cool, sir. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'You need to sit down" all right, cool. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Everybody good with photos and everything? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much for coming out. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I really appreciate you coming out. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I live, uh--i live in New York right now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [audience cheers] And--yes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I'm single right now, and-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [audience cheers] Oh, shut up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You don't mean that shit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And whenever I go out to bars there, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I have this one friend of mine. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He's one of these guys [br]he's like, "aw, man. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Any cute girl you see, [br]just go talk to her, man. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Any cute girl you see, [br]just say something, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 anything, it doesn't matter what. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 " I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That girl is gonna be mean as shit [br]to me for no reason at all. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why do I want to deal with that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 - Hi how are you? [br]- Fuck you! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 All right. I'll see you later. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll go talk to my friend brian. [br]He's always nice to me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And, sure, that's a little bit [br]of an exaggeration, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but that is how it feels sometimes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I once went up to this girl [br]'cause I thought 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she had a cool purse on her shoulder. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said, "hey, that's a nice bag" [br]and she said, "thank you," 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we started talking, [br]and she seemed nice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then at one point, her friend comes over, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and when the girl's friend comes over, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He came to talk to me 'cause [br]he thought I had a cool bag" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and rolled her eyes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I thought, "wow, that's really rude. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No reason to do that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was just being nice," right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I said to myself right there, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "whenever I leave this conversation, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm gonna make sure this girl knows[br]I don't give a shit about her, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I really like her bag" [br]so, at one point, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we're sitting there talking, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] " 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and then I stole her purse. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That bag's mine now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I never know what to say [br]to girls in situations like that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's always so awkward. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was having lunch [br]with a friend of mine once, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I told him, "hey, there's this one girl 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that works in this restaurant. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She's so cute, but I don't " 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is go over there and be honest " really?