[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.05,0:00:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Jazz music]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.09,0:01:09.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.78,0:01:12.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.35,0:01:13.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.86,0:01:15.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.66,0:01:17.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Alright.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.70,0:01:18.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Washington, D.C.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.76,0:01:21.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for \Ncoming out to the taping
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.09,0:01:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for my second stand-up special.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.11,0:01:29.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] \NVery excited to be here.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.20,0:01:33.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Uh... Before we start the show, \NI know there's probably
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.25,0:01:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some signs up saying, \Nno photos and things of that nature,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.60,0:01:38.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's just because \Nobviously we're taping this.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.88,0:01:41.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also, when I do these shows, \Npeople can start taking photos,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.48,0:01:44.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there'll be a lot of \Nflashing and orange lights,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.20,0:01:46.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it can be a little \Ndistracting when I'm trying
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.45,0:01:48.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to focus on the performance.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.04,0:01:50.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I've realized is \Nthat, uh, people don't give a shit,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.56,0:01:55.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they take photos anyway, \Nbecause there are some shitty people
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.06,0:01:56.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that come to these shows.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.72,0:01:58.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, look how many people are here.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.79,0:02:00.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of you are shitty people.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.12,0:02:02.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no question.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.57,0:02:05.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we met in any other context \Nbesides you paying me money
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.46,0:02:07.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to see me tell jokes, \NI'm sure there are some
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.46,0:02:09.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of you I would hate with a passion.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.35,0:02:11.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No question about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.79,0:02:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really hate some of you a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.12,0:02:21.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I thought we could \Ndo as a compromise--
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.21,0:02:22.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right now, before I start the show,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.86,0:02:24.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand people like photos and stuff,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.70,0:02:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so right now, before we start the show,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.39,0:02:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna pretend like \NI'm in the middle of a joke,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.11,0:02:30.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you can take as many \Nphotos as you want,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.47,0:02:30.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then after that, \Nwe'll have a great show, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.56,0:02:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter) (cheering)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.01,0:02:34.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here we go, if you want to snap a photo
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.09,0:02:34.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,go for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.94,0:02:42.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.68,0:02:49.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and chuckling)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.83,0:02:51.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some fake joke where I need to go through
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.15,0:02:54.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a crawl space.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.29,0:02:56.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's act like uh, let's act like an
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.60,0:02:58.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,incident happened with a audience member.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.08,0:03:00.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like sir, could you stand up \Nand act like you're yelling at me--
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.74,0:03:01.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about something?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.76,0:03:07.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.44,0:03:10.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So... you can show that photo\Nto people and tell 'em
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.90,0:03:13.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah at one point in the show \Nthis guy just stood up
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.04,0:03:15.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was like whites are the superior race"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.37,0:03:18.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,\Nsir, you need to sit down."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.53,0:03:22.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right, cool, everybody good with\Nphotos and everything?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.69,0:03:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for coming out \NI really appreciate you coming out
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.44,0:03:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.24,0:03:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I live, uh - I live in New York right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.20,0:03:34.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[audience cheers] And--yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.98,0:03:37.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm single right now, and--
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.52,0:03:40.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.13,0:03:42.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't mean that shit. (laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.49,0:03:45.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And whenever I go out to bars there,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.43,0:03:46.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have this one friend of mine.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.95,0:03:49.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's one of these guys \Nhe's like, "Aw, man.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.23,0:03:52.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any cute girl you see, \Njust go talk to her, man.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.32,0:03:53.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.08,0:03:53.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.84,0:03:54.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.94,0:03:56.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any cute girl you see, \Njust say something,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.16,0:03:58.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anything, it doesn't matter what.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.54,0:03:59.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.65,0:03:59.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.90,0:04:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.21,0:04:02.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.51,0:04:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That girl is gonna be mean as shit \Nto me for no reason at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.61,0:04:08.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do I want to deal with that?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.65,0:04:10.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Hi how are you? \N- Fuck you!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.93,0:04:13.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right. I'll see you later.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.24,0:04:16.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll go talk to my friend Brian. \NHe's always nice to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.41,0:04:19.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, sure, that's a little bit \Nof an exaggeration,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.82,0:04:21.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that is how it feels sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.51,0:04:23.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I once went up to this girl \N'cause I thought
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.13,0:04:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.81,0:04:27.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" \Nand she said, "Thank you,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.63,0:04:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we started talking, \Nand she seemed nice.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.38,0:04:31.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then at one point, her friend comes over,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.55,0:04:32.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when the girl's friend comes over,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.92,0:04:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.70,0:04:36.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He came to talk to me 'cause \Nhe thought I had a cool bag,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.78,0:04:38.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rolled her eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.52,0:04:40.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.46,0:04:41.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No reason to do that.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.48,0:04:42.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was just being nice," right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.65,0:04:44.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said to myself right there,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.20,0:04:45.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Whenever I leave this conversation,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.76,0:04:49.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna make sure this girl knows\NI don't give a shit about her,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.64,0:04:54.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And... I really like her bag."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.60,0:04:57.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, at one point,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.03,0:04:57.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're sitting there talking,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.82,0:04:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.50,0:05:00.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey what's that over there?"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.28,0:05:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I stole her purse.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.98,0:05:04.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.92,0:05:08.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That bag's mine now.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.32,0:05:12.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never know what to say \Nto girls in situations like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.02,0:05:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always so awkward.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.67,0:05:15.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was having lunch \Nwith a friend of mine once,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.46,0:05:17.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I told him, \N"Hey, there's this one girl
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.36,0:05:18.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that works in this restaurant.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.59,0:05:20.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's so cute, but I don't know what to\Nsay to her
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.58,0:05:22.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.88,0:05:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is go over there and be honest \Nwith her for a minute."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.62,0:05:26.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really? That's all I gotta do?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.92,0:05:28.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I just need to walk over--
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.77,0:05:30.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Excuse me, miss.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.13,0:05:32.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just need to be real honest \Nwith you for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.05,0:05:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I eat here all the time, \Nand when I do, I stare at your face.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.33,0:05:40.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I imagine us fucking \Nwhile I eat my sandwiches.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.33,0:05:46.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me know if you'd like to turn \Nmy fantasy into your reality."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.38,0:05:51.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not sure that would work out too well.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.90,0:05:53.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People always give you \Nthe same dumb advice
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.28,0:05:54.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in situations like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.68,0:05:56.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll say things like, \N"Oh just leave her a big tip."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.85,0:05:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How does that work?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.42,0:05:59.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just walk over-- "Yes, \Ncan I get a muffin, please?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.86,0:06:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's $100.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.62,0:06:05.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you know what that means.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.89,0:06:09.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm willing to have sex \Nwith you for the price of $98."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.85,0:06:16.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was doing that joke \None night, and this guy
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.23,0:06:18.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the audience just yells, \N"Just tell her you're on TV."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.36,0:06:19.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.91,0:06:21.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no way I'll sound \Nlike a jerk if I do that, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.98,0:06:23.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Excuse me, miss.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.58,0:06:25.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm on TV.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.69,0:06:28.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(clears throat) ... I said...
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.78,0:06:34.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm on TV.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.09,0:06:35.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what's going \Non here, but this is the part
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.78,0:06:38.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you start sucking my dick
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.37,0:06:45.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess that's what some dudes \Nthink being on tv's like.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.74,0:06:47.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just walk into bars\N"What's up everybody?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.72,0:06:51.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just so you know someone that's appeared \Non television is here.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.12,0:06:53.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you're interested in giving me a \Nhandjob in the restroom let's line up
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.22,0:06:55.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the left."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.74,0:06:57.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. That's not how it works at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.84,0:07:01.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How it works is I walk into a bar and\N5 dudes are like
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.17,0:07:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw\Non that thing!
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.26,0:07:08.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't \Nbelieve you're here
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.60,0:07:12.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've gotta take a photo with me\Nand my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.10,0:07:18.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,though, we gotta drive there now."\NThat doesn't sound safe.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.94,0:07:25.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in a relationship for a few years \Nand I think
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.09,0:07:29.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while I was in the relationship\Nall dating communication went exclusively-
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.55,0:07:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to text. You can't call anybody anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.20,0:07:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You call someone and they're like\N"What? Are you on fire?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.78,0:07:36.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.85,0:07:41.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't like texting people. \NEspecially girls because there's always
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.61,0:07:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,miscommunication that happens.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.46,0:07:45.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a situation I get into all the \Ntime.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.39,0:07:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll text a girl, she texts me back \Nright away.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.54,0:07:49.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I text her right away. \NShe texts me back right away.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.56,0:07:51.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I text her back right away, \NShe texts me back right away.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.81,0:07:55.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I text her back right away\NShe texts me back right away.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.02,0:07:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I'll say something like \N"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.27,0:08:00.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on Tuesday?"\NAnd then I don't hear anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.66,0:08:04.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm like "What just happened? \NI know you read that shit. You responded--
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.86,0:08:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to 20 other things I just sent.\NWhat do you not like me anymore?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.50,0:08:09.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't have two seconds to say\N'yes I want to get pizza?'
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.46,0:08:11.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.20,0:08:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did you chuck your phone into\Na locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.74,0:08:18.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a few hours? What's the deal?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.13,0:08:21.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And after a few hours of no response\NI get real upset.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.51,0:08:23.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I just want to send a text that says\Nsomething like
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.95,0:08:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well guess who just got un invited \Nto the pizza party?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.94,0:08:30.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You didn't 'cus I hate you now."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.78,0:08:34.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Girl always writes something back\N"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.06,0:08:35.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we had to turn off our phones."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.21,0:08:38.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whatever we're done. \NI finished that pizza hours ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.14,0:08:41.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm up with my friend Brian and he's \Nnice to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.22,0:08:47.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went out with this girl in LA \Na few times. \N
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.93,0:08:50.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was really nice and last time I was in\NLA, I called her up.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.57,0:08:52.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And asked her out to dinner and she's \Nlike "Yeah, sure"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.64,0:08:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then 2 hours before our date she calls me \Nup and she goes
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.88,0:09:00.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner\Nwith you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.31,0:09:02.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now is that a problem?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.09,0:09:05.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest\Nproblem we could have.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.46,0:09:09.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would I go out with you \Nif you kinda have a boyfriend now?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.57,0:09:13.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets\Nto this carnival but you can't ride--
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.48,0:09:16.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any rides, is that a problem?\NYeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.61,0:09:19.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those rides, that's the whole point of me\Ngoing to the carnival.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.90,0:09:23.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These tickets you gave me are useless.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.95,0:09:26.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of\NAmazon but I shipped it to my friend
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.95,0:09:28.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.84,0:09:31.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah that's a problem, \Nthat's not my address!
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.73,0:09:34.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't have Lisa's contact info\Nand now she makes your paninis,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.66,0:09:42.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really want one. \NWhat's the best case scenario?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.43,0:09:45.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We go out on this amazing dinner date,\Nhave a fantastic time, come back to my--
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.27,0:09:49.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,place. She's like "Aziz I had a really \Ntime at dinner tonight and I wanna give
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.90,0:09:53.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my \Nboyfriend's penis instead of yours.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.25,0:09:54.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that a problem?"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.91,0:09:59.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're \Ngonna suck your boyfriend's dick--
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.59,0:10:01.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at my house.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.74,0:10:11.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always kinda depressing to me when I\Ntalk to girls who have boyfriends.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.49,0:10:16.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when you ask then how they met \Ntheir boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.60,0:10:18.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was\Ndoing volunteer work and one day he said
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.90,0:10:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something nice to me and gave me a flower\Nand we started going out."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.33,0:10:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. It's always a story like "I was at \Nthe club and this guy came up to me and
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.16,0:10:31.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was like 'I've been staring at your ass \Nall night. Is it cool if I take you out
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.03,0:10:34.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.48,0:10:37.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would you say yes to that?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.78,0:10:39.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'I don't know what's the worst that\Ncould happen?'
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.100,0:10:42.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the worst that could happen?\NHe could put something in your drink
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.64,0:10:45.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rape you, \Nthat's the worst that could happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.23,0:10:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He could murder you and use your legs to \Nmake stilts that look like legs.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.92,0:10:51.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another thing that could happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.12,0:10:54.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's my problem is that I think too \Nmuch.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.27,0:10:59.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Go to a bar and watch people, you see two \Ndifferent types of guys.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.23,0:11:01.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's one type of guy, that's a guy like\Nme.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.19,0:11:03.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin\Nto each other
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.09,0:11:05.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't \Nknow, I don't know, I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.44,0:11:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's just talk to each \Nother tonight Brian.'
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.80,0:11:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then, there's a second type of dude: \NThe dumb dudes.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.04,0:11:15.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're at the bar, they don't care about\Nanything. They're like
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.73,0:11:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop\Nit in a beer with a bunch of other shit
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.82,0:11:23.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ubleeeeheeeeheee, \NI'll sing anything to anybody.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.10,0:11:24.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.96,0:11:28.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then they go up to some girl and they're\Nlike "Psexcuse me, excuse me,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.25,0:11:33.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah, I just wanted to say you look really\Nbeautiful tonight, and I was hoping one
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.52,0:11:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,day I'd be able to put my hands on \Nyour titties. My name's Kevin."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.25,0:11:42.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my \Nboyfriend for 3 years?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.99,0:11:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really \Nshitty to you? Cheat on your whenever
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.83,0:11:47.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.93,0:11:51.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never \Nbreak up with you."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.20,0:11:53.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then they leave together. Meanwhile...\NI finally get up my courage:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.63,0:11:55.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Uh, that's a nice jacket."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.05,0:11:59.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get the fuck outta my face."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.39,0:12:02.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then some Indian dude that \Nrecognizes me from the tv
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.01,0:12:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will invite me back \Nto his dorm to play video games.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.68,0:12:18.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.49,0:12:22.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You ever at a party and you're talking to \Na guy and you think "Wow, this guy
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.61,0:12:28.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met \Nmaybe all year, what a dumb person
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.47,0:12:31.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I cannot wait to get outta this \Nconversation with this dumb person"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.78,0:12:33.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they say something like \N"Yeah and I got two kids, "
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.71,0:12:37.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.\NYou can't have two kids you're so stupid.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.90,0:12:43.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you doing raising kids? You're \Nso dumb! You're raising murderers."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.60,0:12:46.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This happens to me all the time. It's so \Nterrifying.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.60,0:12:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was talking to a dude at a party who is\N26 years old, had a three year old son.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.00,0:12:53.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" \NAnd then a few minutes later
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.35,0:12:57.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I overheard him telling a group of people \Nthe story about how a week earlier he'd
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.72,0:13:03.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni \Nand cheese.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.38,0:13:05.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah\Nwoah,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.30,0:13:09.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl\Nof mac and cheese. Once you have a kid
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.65,0:13:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are \Nover.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.87,0:13:15.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's sitting here telling people this \Nstory. And he's like
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.97,0:13:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah and then I put the condom on" \Nand I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.61,0:13:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not \Ntrying to get cheese all over my dick ."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.74,0:13:30.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As if that were a totally reasonable\Nthing to say.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.17,0:13:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As if I were the weird one for even \Nbringing up the question.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.36,0:13:36.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.80,0:13:42.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I told him, " You don' understand\Nin this situation, putting the condom on
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.36,0:13:44.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes everything way worse." 'Cus that \Nmeans the whole time he went to go find a
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.83,0:13:47.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,box of condoms, open the box of condoms,\Ntake the condom out, open the condom
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.52,0:13:50.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go \Nback to the macaroni.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.84,0:13:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That whole time he never once thought, \N"You know what, maybe I don't need to
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.72,0:13:58.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe\NI could do literally anything else and it
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.59,0:14:02.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would be a better use of my time. "
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.81,0:14:05.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How are you gonna do something like that \Nwhen you have a kid?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.39,0:14:08.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if his kid saw that? He'd never be \Nable to tell that kid anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.03,0:14:10.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey be nice to be people, do good in \Nschool."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.67,0:14:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni\Nand cheese. Sooo why would I take your--
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.84,0:14:19.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,advice? By the way I'm three years old, my\Nlanguage skills are very impressive,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.18,0:14:22.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe I should just ride this shit out on\Nmy own."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.18,0:14:29.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(crowd cheering)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.75,0:14:34.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have, uh, internet access right now. \N'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.43,0:14:40.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sure some of you guys are online as well. \NAnd I like the internet, but it's really
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.65,0:14:43.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,annoying sometimes. Like does this \Nsituation happen to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.98,0:14:48.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're sitting at your computer, working\Non something really important. And you
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.39,0:14:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made\Nmore money than Home Alone 1.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.69,0:14:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gotta look into this now. Sorry, \Nimportant work, something more pressing
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.92,0:15:03.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has come up. I do stuff like \Nthat all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.59,0:15:05.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what's so annoying is that once I \Nstart looking into one thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.64,0:15:07.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll see something else I want to \Nresearch.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.81,0:15:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For example, In the Home Alone situation.\NYeah I'll be looking at that and be like
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.79,0:15:15.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, \NI don't know much about Joe Pesci.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.37,0:15:20.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe I should learn everything about\NJoe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing
Dialogue: 0,0:15:20.43,0:15:24.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all this Joe Pesci research. And now\NI know so much about Joe Pesci.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.91,0:15:27.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's useless information, It's never\Ngoing to help me.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.03,0:15:32.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never heard of a situation where a guy\Nbeen in an alley doing the knife,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.32,0:15:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You're gonna die tonight unless you can \Ntell me the name of the album Joe Pesci
Dialogue: 0,0:15:34.98,0:15:38.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,put out when he was a little kid."\N"Little Joe sure can sing."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.82,0:15:44.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so \Nmany people know that? I need to stop
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.67,0:15:51.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my \Nmurders. People know more about him than
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.25,0:15:54.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I anticipated."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.16,0:15:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always waste time like that. \NThe other night I was up late, I remember
Dialogue: 0,0:15:57.65,0:16:01.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've never seen any of those Saw movies \Nbefore. They're not supposed to be
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.70,0:16:05.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,particularly good movies. But my friend \Ntold me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.45,0:16:10.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."\NAnd I love twists at the end of movies.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.95,0:16:15.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw\Nending' and sure enough the clip comes up
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.50,0:16:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz\Nyou didn't see the rest of the movie, the
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.50,0:16:20.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,clip won't make sense."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.48,0:16:24.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went\Non the Saw wikipedia page and I read the
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.14,0:16:27.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,plot summary and when I got to the last \Nparagraph, I stopped.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.78,0:16:30.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I went back and watched that video. \NAnd let me tell you I did not see that--
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.97,0:16:32.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,coming."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.27,0:16:43.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone recently sent me a password \Nto one of those online porn sites.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.63,0:16:46.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the password worked.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.77,0:16:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't know if anyone here's \Never had membership access
Dialogue: 0,0:16:49.86,0:16:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to any of those sites, \Nbut it is incredible.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.16,0:16:57.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're kind of on the fence, \Nlike, "i don't know, it just doesn't
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.61,0:17:00.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,seem like it would be \Nworth it to spend--" do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.51,0:17:04.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the trend in these sites \Nis they try to make it seem
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.10,0:17:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like this stuff all really happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.06,0:17:07.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like this is real life.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:07.39,0:17:09.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These aren't actors, \Nthis stuff really happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:09.70,0:17:12.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they have dumb names like \N"RealLifeDickParty.com"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.86,0:17:15.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the videos are all the same.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.18,0:17:16.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These guys go up to \Nsome girls, they're like,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.98,0:17:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"excuse me, you girls want to come back \Nto our place and have a dick party?"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.06,0:17:25.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the girls are always like "Yeah!" \Nand they get in their car,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.40,0:17:27.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they drive back to the house, \Nthey have sex, they film it, and it goes
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.71,0:17:30.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,RealLifeDickParty.com!
Dialogue: 0,0:17:30.63,0:17:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does anyone think those clips are real?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.71,0:17:35.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they want people to think it's real, \Nevery now and then,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.81,0:17:39.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they should have a clip where \Nsome guys go up to some girls, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.33,0:17:40.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"excuse me, uh, you girls want \Nto come back to our place
Dialogue: 0,0:17:40.86,0:17:42.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and have a dick party?"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.13,0:17:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the girl's like, "what?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.23,0:17:44.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's disgusting!
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.03,0:17:50.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get out of here you asshole!"\N- RealLifeDickParty.com!
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.60,0:17:52.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you're at home like, \N"man, I guess it is real.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.99,0:17:54.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those girls didn't want to \Nhave a dick party at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:54.76,0:17:57.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just continued on to Whole Foods"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.81,0:18:04.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now, the first video I watched \Non the site, these guys go
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.05,0:18:06.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a doughnut shop, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.08,0:18:08.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're talking to the girls \Nin the doughnut shop, they're like,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.15,0:18:10.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, so, what do you think of us \Nmaybe giving you some money,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.51,0:18:11.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then we can hook up \Nin the back of the donut shop"
Dialogue: 0,0:18:11.93,0:18:15.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the girl's like, \N"Ok that sounds good!"
Dialogue: 0,0:18:15.77,0:18:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she was not a very good actress.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:19.55,0:18:21.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they go in the back, \Nand they start hooking up.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.76,0:18:25.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's a guy hooking up \Nwith a girl in the back
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.93,0:18:27.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a doughnut shop.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:27.54,0:18:30.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this guy eventually does \Nwhat any reasonable person
Dialogue: 0,0:18:30.08,0:18:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would do in that situation, \Nand he puts a doughnut around his dick.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.20,0:18:39.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the woman is performing \Nfellatio-type services,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:39.16,0:18:43.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she's getting dangerously \Nclose to this doughnut.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:43.84,0:18:47.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then at one point, she just \Ntakes a bite of the doughnut.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:47.09,0:18:48.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't know why, \Nbut as soon as that happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:48.61,0:18:51.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!
Dialogue: 0,0:18:51.69,0:18:54.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What an amazing choice by that actress!
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.34,0:18:57.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder if that was improvised, \Nlike the doughnut was just there, ..
Dialogue: 0,0:18:57.31,0:19:07.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[chomps] .. And the director \Nis just [mouthing]
Dialogue: 0,0:19:10.48,0:19:14.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what does that say about me \Nas a person that I got so excited?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:14.74,0:19:18.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess I just like food too much.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:18.08,0:19:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a good thing I don't write \Nthe scripts for those videos.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.21,0:19:23.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My script would be like, \N"all right, so, you pick this girl up
Dialogue: 0,0:19:23.19,0:19:26.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in los angeles, and you drop her off \Nat this restaurant called animal,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:26.42,0:19:29.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she orders the \Nhamachi tostada, the poutine,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.79,0:19:32.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rabbit legs, and the \Nstrawberry pound cake.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:32.04,0:19:34.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they bring her everything, and \Nshe's like, 'oh, my god,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:34.25,0:19:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this looks so good'
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.36,0:19:36.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she eats everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:36.83,0:19:37.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's not a bite left.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:37.94,0:19:39.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:39.67,0:19:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe the best meal I've had all year. \N- RealLifeDickParty.com!
Dialogue: 0,0:19:53.02,0:19:54.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know what's weird about \Nthat doughnut video is,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:54.70,0:19:57.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:57.07,0:20:00.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which means they had to pay \Na doughnut shop owner
Dialogue: 0,0:20:00.20,0:20:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to use that as a location.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:02.52,0:20:05.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I guess if you're a doughnut shop \Nowner, the risk is pretty low.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:05.92,0:20:09.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the chances of someone \Nat home watching the video and going,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:09.11,0:20:11.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh, no, that's where \NI get my doughnuts from!
Dialogue: 0,0:20:11.31,0:20:13.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what goes on back there?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:13.53,0:20:18.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just thought they were putting \Nchocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"
Dialogue: 0,0:20:18.18,0:20:20.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that's got to be \Nhappening to some dude.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:20.18,0:20:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They film all these videos \Nin the same town, I imagine.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:22.46,0:20:25.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's gotta be some dude \Nwaking up every morning like,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:25.05,0:20:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh, no, not the bank too!
Dialogue: 0,0:20:27.36,0:20:29.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was supposed to make a deposit today!
Dialogue: 0,0:20:29.04,0:20:31.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's jizz everywhere!"
Dialogue: 0,0:20:34.41,0:20:36.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always thought the best thing \Nthat could happen in the doughnut video
Dialogue: 0,0:20:36.95,0:20:41.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, \Nand then she just starts walking away.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:41.01,0:20:43.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the guy's like, \N"Hey where are you going?"
Dialogue: 0,0:20:43.18,0:20:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she's like, \N"i wasn't trying to suck your dick.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:45.38,0:20:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:46.98,0:20:48.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That looked delicious.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:48.04,0:20:49.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Bob's doughnuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:49.33,0:20:50.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The best doughnuts in town.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:50.47,0:20:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We won't make you suck a dick for yours"
Dialogue: 0,0:20:59.03,0:21:03.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was doing a show one night, \Nand they had a woman signing my entire act
Dialogue: 0,0:21:03.06,0:21:06.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the left of the stage, and whenever \NI got to that punch line
Dialogue: 0,0:21:06.87,0:21:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I said "Jizz everywhere!"
Dialogue: 0,0:21:08.97,0:21:18.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she went like this.\NAnd.. It was amazing.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:21:18.51,0:21:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said Jizz everywhere a few more times\Njust to make sure
Dialogue: 0,0:21:23.33,0:21:24.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understood what was going on
Dialogue: 0,0:21:24.86,0:21:28.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Coz that had to be an on-the-fly\Nsign for "Jizz everywhere"
Dialogue: 0,0:21:28.65,0:21:34.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's like "Ok.. There's jizz\NOh.. oh It's everywhere"
Dialogue: 0,0:21:34.01,0:21:37.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Coz everywhere can't be like \N[Nasal Eeeehhhhh]
Dialogue: 0,0:21:37.49,0:21:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You'd look crazy;\NEverytime you had to sign 'everywhere'
Dialogue: 0,0:21:39.41,0:21:42.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, I'm new in town. \NIs there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"
Dialogue: 0,0:21:42.51,0:21:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, those are everywhere!
Dialogue: 0,0:21:44.26,0:21:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here"
Dialogue: 0,0:21:45.88,0:21:49.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's gotta be custom for 'jizz'
Dialogue: 0,0:21:49.65,0:21:52.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jizz everywhere, the ceiling \Nthe carpet the walls the plates
Dialogue: 0,0:21:52.86,0:21:55.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the tupperware the television, \NI don't know what
Dialogue: 0,0:21:55.98,0:21:57.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,happened but it's everywhere \Nand I'm really
Dialogue: 0,0:21:57.63,0:22:02.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sorry about it. Also know that \Njizz is just (silly sound)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:02.73,0:22:05.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's jizz. (mimics sound)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:05.80,0:22:07.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No more thought went into that.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:07.59,0:22:09.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Guys up late developing \Nsign language, uhh, guys I'm
Dialogue: 0,0:22:09.87,0:22:11.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really tired, can we pick up \Ntomorrow. I'm really beat
Dialogue: 0,0:22:11.91,0:22:14.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really need some sleep. \NA few more words? Fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:14.66,0:22:17.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz!
Dialogue: 0,0:22:17.53,0:22:18.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'What if it's everywhere?'
Dialogue: 0,0:22:18.45,0:22:20.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's Jizz everywhere!
Dialogue: 0,0:22:20.61,0:22:22.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How come I get all the \Ndirty words? Brian got puppy
Dialogue: 0,0:22:22.54,0:22:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got jizz everywhere?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:29.94,0:22:32.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the only reason I \Nbring this up is, you know
Dialogue: 0,0:22:32.48,0:22:34.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it can be days from now, weeks from now
Dialogue: 0,0:22:34.65,0:22:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,months from now, years \Nfrom now, but one day
Dialogue: 0,0:22:37.88,0:22:39.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of you guys could be walking around
Dialogue: 0,0:22:39.97,0:22:43.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and see a Deaf person about to walk into
Dialogue: 0,0:22:43.08,0:22:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a room where there's jizz everywhere
Dialogue: 0,0:22:45.17,0:22:47.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you'd be like (signs)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:47.100,0:22:50.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'll be like (signs)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:50.98,0:22:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'll head somewhere \Nelse, free of jizz.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:03.66,0:23:08.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm from South Carolina and. \Nthank you. and whenever
Dialogue: 0,0:23:08.93,0:23:14.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tell people that they're \Nalways like "(gasp) oh no.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:14.31,0:23:19.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's so racist there, (whispers) \Nand your skin is brown"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:19.49,0:23:22.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"how did you survive?"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:22.84,0:23:25.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And sure, certain parts of \NSouth Carolina can be
Dialogue: 0,0:23:25.41,0:23:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,pretty racist, more racist than \Nother parts of the country.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:27.68,0:23:30.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what these people forget \Nis that the food there
Dialogue: 0,0:23:30.25,0:23:34.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is delicious. So growing up \Nin South Carolina it's
Dialogue: 0,0:23:34.16,0:23:35.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kind of like "oh that guy\Njust say the N-word?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:35.97,0:23:37.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, \Nnever mind"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:37.43,0:23:40.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"nom nom nom nom nom nom"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:40.34,0:23:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if right now, some dude \Nstood up and was like "hey
Dialogue: 0,0:23:42.53,0:23:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to say a bunch \Nof racist stuff, but
Dialogue: 0,0:23:44.12,0:23:45.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,afterwards I'm going to \Ngive you a biscuit."
Dialogue: 0,0:23:45.61,0:23:49.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd be like "that's a weird \Ndeal, but I'll take it"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:49.37,0:23:52.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause I hate racism, \Nbut I love a good biscuit.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:55.49,0:23:57.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just think it's a little silly \Nwhen sometimes people act
Dialogue: 0,0:23:57.76,0:24:00.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if all the really crazy \Nracism is just in places like
Dialogue: 0,0:24:00.53,0:24:02.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,South Carolina, Alabama, \NMississippi, or whatever
Dialogue: 0,0:24:02.85,0:24:05.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I've seen crazy \Nracist stuff happen
Dialogue: 0,0:24:05.29,0:24:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everywhere. I have a friend \Nin LA, he's Korean right?
Dialogue: 0,0:24:08.75,0:24:11.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he got locked out of his appartment.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:11.25,0:24:13.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he called a locksmith, ok?
Dialogue: 0,0:24:13.81,0:24:15.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the locksmith is getting all his info
Dialogue: 0,0:24:15.60,0:24:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like
Dialogue: 0,0:24:17.38,0:24:20.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that?
Dialogue: 0,0:24:20.18,0:24:23.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy
Dialogue: 0,0:24:23.25,0:24:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are
Dialogue: 0,0:24:26.44,0:24:30.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:30.02,0:24:32.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow'
Dialogue: 0,0:24:32.68,0:24:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so this locksmith does no business with Korean American.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:37.88,0:24:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would
Dialogue: 0,0:24:42.01,0:24:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have to call him before economically he couldn't afford
Dialogue: 0,0:24:45.38,0:24:47.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be that racist?
Dialogue: 0,0:24:47.87,0:24:49.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, what if Korean people just kept calling?
Dialogue: 0,0:24:49.90,0:24:51.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would
Dialogue: 0,0:24:51.59,0:24:53.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have made five thousand dollars yesterday
Dialogue: 0,0:24:53.47,0:24:54.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I didn't hate Korean people.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:54.87,0:24:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy
Dialogue: 0,0:24:56.48,0:25:01.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,America. They can't even find their keys."
Dialogue: 0,0:25:03.15,0:25:04.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then weirdly, that stereotype would get
Dialogue: 0,0:25:04.21,0:25:05.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,integrated into his racism. Like he would see
Dialogue: 0,0:25:05.91,0:25:07.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:07.79,0:25:09.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent)
Dialogue: 0,0:25:09.94,0:25:13.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:13.91,0:25:15.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like
Dialogue: 0,0:25:15.46,0:25:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"ha! There's something you don't see everyday"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:18.86,0:25:21.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Korean dude actually had his keys for once"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:21.56,0:25:23.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:23.81,0:25:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"na na na na na na na, they're in your house."
Dialogue: 0,0:25:28.11,0:25:32.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:32.34,0:25:36.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:36.67,0:25:40.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:40.10,0:25:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like
Dialogue: 0,0:25:42.03,0:25:45.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:45.03,0:25:48.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one was lost.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:48.08,0:25:51.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How are racist things like that so ubiquitous?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:51.13,0:25:54.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At one point do our parents sit us down
Dialogue: 0,0:25:54.84,0:25:56.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian
Dialogue: 0,0:25:56.62,0:25:57.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people is 'ching chong, bing bong'"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:57.66,0:25:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Don't ever say it to them"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:58.91,0:26:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well if they say something racist to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:00.00,0:26:00.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know. I gotta get out of here.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:00.85,0:26:02.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't touch that macaroni"
Dialogue: 0,0:26:02.38,0:26:06.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:26:06.47,0:26:10.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs
Dialogue: 0,0:26:10.27,0:26:11.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and see if I could learn anything, and I found
Dialogue: 0,0:26:11.43,0:26:14.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a very interesting article. It was titled
Dialogue: 0,0:26:14.38,0:26:18.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'list of every ethnic slur'
Dialogue: 0,0:26:18.81,0:26:25.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:25.43,0:26:26.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if it's cool with you guys, I would now
Dialogue: 0,0:26:26.80,0:26:28.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like to share a few of my favorites.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:30.58,0:26:35.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok?
Dialogue: 0,0:26:35.31,0:26:37.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they're offensive. They're offensive by their
Dialogue: 0,0:26:37.23,0:26:40.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one
Dialogue: 0,0:26:40.55,0:26:42.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're offended, there's no reason to be like
Dialogue: 0,0:26:42.100,0:26:49.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"ahhhwwwoooo"
Dialogue: 0,0:26:49.99,0:26:51.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we all know they're offensive.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:51.95,0:26:54.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So instead you can shut your fucking mouth.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:57.12,0:26:58.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the same time though
Dialogue: 0,0:26:58.27,0:26:59.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the same time, I don't want to do this
Dialogue: 0,0:26:59.71,0:27:01.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,bit and look at the audience and see some
Dialogue: 0,0:27:01.58,0:27:04.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:04.59,0:27:07.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:07.55,0:27:10.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end
Dialogue: 0,0:27:10.95,0:27:13.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:13.40,0:27:18.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory
Dialogue: 0,0:27:18.23,0:27:21.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly
Dialogue: 0,0:27:21.80,0:27:25.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,caucasian ancestry with real or suspected
Dialogue: 0,0:27:25.35,0:27:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,distant Asian or African ancestry.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:28.68,0:27:31.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this is a pretty specific situation
Dialogue: 0,0:27:31.21,0:27:35.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh
Dialogue: 0,0:27:35.19,0:27:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is
Dialogue: 0,0:27:37.48,0:27:41.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:41.60,0:27:45.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:45.45,0:27:50.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]"
Dialogue: 0,0:27:50.07,0:27:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry
Dialogue: 0,0:27:52.29,0:27:54.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in your predominantly Caucasian face?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:00.14,0:28:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of the racial slurs, uh
Dialogue: 0,0:28:02.69,0:28:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,contained other racial slurs within themselves
Dialogue: 0,0:28:05.56,0:28:08.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient
Dialogue: 0,0:28:08.27,0:28:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to me. For example, there was one for Native American
Dialogue: 0,0:28:11.50,0:28:14.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:14.89,0:28:16.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whenever I hear that, I imagine this scenario
Dialogue: 0,0:28:17.01,0:28:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some guy's talking to a Native American dude
Dialogue: 0,0:28:18.82,0:28:20.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get out of here prairie N-word"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:20.61,0:28:22.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some black guy's like "what'd you say?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:22.22,0:28:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you."
Dialogue: 0,0:28:24.29,0:28:26.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:28:26.40,0:28:28.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Step off"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:30.64,0:28:34.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's
Dialogue: 0,0:28:34.52,0:28:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would
Dialogue: 0,0:28:36.70,0:28:38.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you say that to?"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:38.53,0:28:40.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:40.24,0:28:44.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:44.76,0:28:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer"
Dialogue: 0,0:28:47.24,0:28:50.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyone have a guess on that one?
Dialogue: 0,0:28:50.53,0:28:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Christ killer. Who would you say that to?
Dialogue: 0,0:28:53.20,0:28:57.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Christ killer, killer of Christ.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:57.58,0:28:59.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did someone say Jewish people? No!
Dialogue: 0,0:28:59.82,0:29:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people
Dialogue: 0,0:29:02.36,0:29:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who hate Asians so much, they blame them
Dialogue: 0,0:29:04.50,0:29:07.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the death of Christ.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:07.27,0:29:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Christ killer" "But I'm Asian"
Dialogue: 0,0:29:09.77,0:29:12.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know. Why do you think God created locks?"
Dialogue: 0,0:29:12.59,0:29:15.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ"
Dialogue: 0,0:29:22.58,0:29:23.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I learned reading that list though
Dialogue: 0,0:29:23.96,0:29:26.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that I think you can make anything sound
Dialogue: 0,0:29:26.81,0:29:29.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice
Dialogue: 0,0:29:29.60,0:29:32.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:32.84,0:29:35.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:35.72,0:29:39.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity?
Dialogue: 0,0:29:39.56,0:29:42.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat!
Dialogue: 0,0:29:42.02,0:29:47.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Quit laughing kitkat!
Dialogue: 0,0:29:47.46,0:29:51.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? That started to sound real racist.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:51.59,0:29:52.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:52.64,0:29:56.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:56.60,0:29:59.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aziz must be implying that he's brown on the outside,
Dialogue: 0,0:29:59.20,0:30:02.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wafer like on the inside. [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:30:05.72,0:30:08.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour
Dialogue: 0,0:30:08.47,0:30:14.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:15.24,0:30:18.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than
Dialogue: 0,0:30:18.35,0:30:23.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys
Dialogue: 0,0:30:23.28,0:30:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were at one point the biggest band in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:25.24,0:30:26.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Preforming at arenas and stuff. But at the same time they
Dialogue: 0,0:30:26.76,0:30:30.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin
Dialogue: 0,0:30:30.16,0:30:32.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the time. My body could just not take anything like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:33.33,0:30:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!"
Dialogue: 0,0:30:35.88,0:30:39.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did
Dialogue: 0,0:30:39.59,0:30:42.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?"
Dialogue: 0,0:30:42.83,0:30:45.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy
Dialogue: 0,0:30:45.04,0:30:47.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and fell off a building" [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:30:50.64,0:30:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have all these insane stories about girls. Like
Dialogue: 0,0:30:53.16,0:30:55.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:30:55.66,0:30:59.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night
Dialogue: 0,0:30:59.07,0:31:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside
Dialogue: 0,0:31:02.84,0:31:08.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:31:08.89,0:31:11.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was a motley crew guy just running around
Dialogue: 0,0:31:11.68,0:31:14.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas
Dialogue: 0,0:31:14.13,0:31:15.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:15.96,0:31:16.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:16.88,0:31:18.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with
Dialogue: 0,0:31:18.34,0:31:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,soap and water? No! That won't work!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:19.94,0:31:22.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why? I don't know!"
Dialogue: 0,0:31:22.43,0:31:25.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The
Dialogue: 0,0:31:25.81,0:31:28.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:28.66,0:31:32.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:31:32.84,0:31:34.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That story is the quintessential difference between
Dialogue: 0,0:31:34.57,0:31:37.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a comedy tour, and a rock tour.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:37.74,0:31:39.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like
Dialogue: 0,0:31:39.26,0:31:41.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas
Dialogue: 0,0:31:41.42,0:31:42.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,off my dick"
Dialogue: 0,0:31:42.52,0:31:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:31:51.51,0:31:55.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like touring, the only thing \NI don't like is the actual
Dialogue: 0,0:31:55.81,0:31:57.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,travel itself. Because people can \Nbe so rude when you're
Dialogue: 0,0:31:57.93,0:32:01.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,traveling. The rudest person I \Never met in my entire life is
Dialogue: 0,0:32:01.13,0:32:05.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the eastern European customs lady \Nat the Toranto airport.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:05.24,0:32:08.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's that lady's problem? \NWhy's she gotta be so rude?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:08.36,0:32:11.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Customs people are the first people you \Nmeet when you go to a new country.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:11.22,0:32:12.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They should be nice, welcoming.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:12.86,0:32:14.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes
Dialogue: 0,0:32:14.08,0:32:19.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what you are doing here?! [shouting]"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:19.22,0:32:20.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:32:20.19,0:32:21.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:21.37,0:32:23.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:23.42,0:32:25.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like "you know, \Nlike, filming a movie"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:25.63,0:32:27.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She goes "I know what \Nit means filming movie. I mean
Dialogue: 0,0:32:27.17,0:32:28.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are you doing the lights? Are you acting?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:28.63,0:32:31.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you directing? \NI could do without your sarcasm."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:31.16,0:32:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Why are you being so mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:33.80,0:32:36.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said something and you went \N'what it mean shooting movie.'
Dialogue: 0,0:32:36.91,0:32:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and\NI'm trying to explain things to you."
Dialogue: 0,0:32:39.48,0:32:41.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:32:41.24,0:32:42.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm stunned you know what \Nthe word sarcams means
Dialogue: 0,0:32:43.20,0:32:45.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your English is slightly better \Nthan Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:45.72,0:32:49.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you're yelling at me \Nlike a psychopath.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:50.17,0:32:52.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I got my stamp and I walked on. \NBut I kind of
Dialogue: 0,0:32:52.21,0:32:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wish I had forgotten the stamp \Nand turned around
Dialogue: 0,0:32:54.30,0:32:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was like "Guess what?! I lied!"
Dialogue: 0,0:32:57.16,0:32:59.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then pulled out a DVD \Nof Jurassic Park and a
Dialogue: 0,0:32:59.03,0:33:01.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hand gun, and was like \N"this is what I mean shooting movie"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:01.38,0:33:03.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Bang bang bang bang bang"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:03.05,0:33:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:33:08.51,0:33:11.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Passengers can also be rude to you also.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:11.41,0:33:13.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was flying home once and I \Nwas sitting next
Dialogue: 0,0:33:13.80,0:33:16.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this couple. They had these \Ntwo puppies, that they put
Dialogue: 0,0:33:16.44,0:33:18.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,under the seats infront of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:18.29,0:33:19.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there was an older \Ncouple sitting there
Dialogue: 0,0:33:19.98,0:33:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they said "Hey, you guys mind \Nmoving the puppies
Dialogue: 0,0:33:22.44,0:33:24.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over a little bit so we can put \Nour jackets under there?"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:24.55,0:33:27.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the lady with the \Npuppies is like, "um, no!
Dialogue: 0,0:33:27.31,0:33:29.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have two puppies, \Nthey need all the room.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:29.13,0:33:31.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:31.95,0:33:33.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, "Whoa.\NWhy'd you need
Dialogue: 0,0:33:33.25,0:33:34.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be so rude about that?"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:34.90,0:33:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she started \Ntalking to her husband.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:36.27,0:33:38.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's like, "Ugh, can you believe\Nthose people, asking us
Dialogue: 0,0:33:38.36,0:33:40.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to move the puppies for their jackets?
Dialogue: 0,0:33:40.00,0:33:42.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What kind of nerve they have!\NWho do they think they are?!"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:42.40,0:33:45.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "I fucking hate this lady."
Dialogue: 0,0:33:45.35,0:33:46.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:33:46.94,0:33:47.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I started chiming in.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:47.91,0:33:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Yeah, I heard that.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:49.51,0:33:51.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't believe they'd \Nask something like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:51.46,0:33:53.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those people are awful!\NThose people are terrible!
Dialogue: 0,0:33:53.85,0:33:57.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those people deserve to be murdered."
Dialogue: 0,0:33:57.22,0:34:00.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:34:00.08,0:34:02.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I didn't say another \Nword the whole flight.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:02.77,0:34:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:34:05.96,0:34:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the flight lands.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:08.30,0:34:11.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the old couple gets up, \Nthey leave the plane.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:11.87,0:34:15.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The young couple's about to get up, \Nbut I hold them down and I go,
Dialogue: 0,0:34:15.08,0:34:18.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"No, no. I got this."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:18.100,0:34:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I step over them and I start \Nfollowing the old people, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:34:21.71,0:34:23.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The young couple's behind me.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:23.43,0:34:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We get outside the airport,\NI pull out the gun
Dialogue: 0,0:34:25.60,0:34:27.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I have from the previous joke--
Dialogue: 0,0:34:27.71,0:34:28.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:34:28.93,0:34:30.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Loaded two bullets.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:30.32,0:34:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I aim it at the old people, \Nbut then I spin around
Dialogue: 0,0:34:32.10,0:34:34.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I aim it at the puppies.\NBANG! BANG!
Dialogue: 0,0:34:34.48,0:34:37.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I shoot both those puppies in the face.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:37.39,0:34:39.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I go, "Never be \Nrude to the elderly again!
Dialogue: 0,0:34:39.54,0:34:42.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have fun burying your dead puppies."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:42.22,0:34:45.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:34:46.59,0:34:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know what some of you are thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:47.82,0:34:49.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh no, why the puppies get shot?!
Dialogue: 0,0:34:49.55,0:34:51.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The puppies didn't do anything."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:51.100,0:34:53.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't really shoot any puppies.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:53.54,0:34:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You were being stupid.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:55.29,0:34:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:35:00.56,0:35:03.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have met some really interesting people on
Dialogue: 0,0:35:03.05,0:35:04.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tour. One of my favorite people that I've met
Dialogue: 0,0:35:04.92,0:35:07.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was this gentleman who once picked
Dialogue: 0,0:35:07.40,0:35:09.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,me up from the airport and drove me to the venue.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:09.47,0:35:12.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was talking to this guy, and
Dialogue: 0,0:35:12.43,0:35:14.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like "What did you do before you were
Dialogue: 0,0:35:14.06,0:35:17.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:17.11,0:35:19.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:19.14,0:35:21.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus
Dialogue: 0,0:35:21.77,0:35:23.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah
Dialogue: 0,0:35:23.62,0:35:25.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of all the people you've body guarded for
Dialogue: 0,0:35:25.36,0:35:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who was the toughest person to do security for?
Dialogue: 0,0:35:27.68,0:35:29.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who had the craziest fans?"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:29.74,0:35:32.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cher"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:32.59,0:35:37.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Craziest fans. Pauly Shore"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:37.84,0:35:39.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:35:39.54,0:35:42.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man
Dialogue: 0,0:35:42.92,0:35:44.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can you leave Pauly Shore alone? Thanks."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:45.57,0:35:48.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:48.49,0:35:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:35:52.34,0:35:53.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I asked him "What did you do
Dialogue: 0,0:35:53.71,0:35:55.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before you were a celebrity body guard?"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:55.75,0:35:57.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour bus."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:57.81,0:35:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "How was that?"
Dialogue: 0,0:35:59.22,0:36:00.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes "Not fun"
Dialogue: 0,0:36:00.82,0:36:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said "Why?"
Dialogue: 0,0:36:02.34,0:36:04.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one
Dialogue: 0,0:36:04.61,0:36:07.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder."
Dialogue: 0,0:36:07.46,0:36:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:36:10.06,0:36:12.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was not what I was expecting him to say.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:12.52,0:36:13.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:36:13.100,0:36:16.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate"
Dialogue: 0,0:36:16.59,0:36:19.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he told me the story. And basically, any time
Dialogue: 0,0:36:19.87,0:36:22.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he was driving the bus, at one point, one of
Dialogue: 0,0:36:22.38,0:36:23.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Madonna's dancers would just
Dialogue: 0,0:36:23.75,0:36:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on
Dialogue: 0,0:36:27.22,0:36:30.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,his shoulder and this happened so many times
Dialogue: 0,0:36:30.66,0:36:32.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he had to quit his job and get into a new profession.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:34.00,0:36:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:36:35.00,0:36:36.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I guess that would make you quit any job.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:36.91,0:36:38.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You could be a lawyer, and people'd go
Dialogue: 0,0:36:38.35,0:36:39.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?"
Dialogue: 0,0:36:39.83,0:36:43.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:43.14,0:36:45.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And every time I presented a case, he put his dick
Dialogue: 0,0:36:45.79,0:36:48.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now
Dialogue: 0,0:36:48.42,0:36:51.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I work at Quizno's"
Dialogue: 0,0:36:51.57,0:36:54.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder
Dialogue: 0,0:36:54.45,0:36:56.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for three hours a day. If at some point, another
Dialogue: 0,0:36:56.93,0:36:58.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder
Dialogue: 0,0:36:58.80,0:37:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the
Dialogue: 0,0:37:00.47,0:37:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fuck is this? I never signed up for that.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:02.82,0:37:04.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three
Dialogue: 0,0:37:04.37,0:37:06.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we
Dialogue: 0,0:37:06.44,0:37:08.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,signed man. The language is very specific.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:08.68,0:37:10.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows
Dialogue: 0,0:37:10.61,0:37:13.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and toes now. We have a deal. You know what?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:13.04,0:37:14.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's fine. If this is how you guys run things
Dialogue: 0,0:37:14.82,0:37:17.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't
Dialogue: 0,0:37:17.04,0:37:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,need this shit"
Dialogue: 0,0:37:20.08,0:37:28.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and clapping)
Dialogue: 0,0:37:28.15,0:37:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes
Dialogue: 0,0:37:30.95,0:37:33.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to update you on one of my favorite people in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:33.46,0:37:36.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's my chubby little cousin Harris.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:41.83,0:37:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives
Dialogue: 0,0:37:43.50,0:37:45.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids
Dialogue: 0,0:37:45.62,0:37:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on
Dialogue: 0,0:37:47.92,0:37:49.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what he's been up to.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:49.74,0:37:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Uhhhh, Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't
Dialogue: 0,0:37:52.48,0:37:54.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do
Dialogue: 0,0:37:54.48,0:37:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,check up on him regurlary on his facebook page and
Dialogue: 0,0:37:56.76,0:37:58.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,read his status uptates.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:58.14,0:37:59.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He recently had a quote up there.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:59.61,0:38:02.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the quote said, "life's a dirty game
Dialogue: 0,0:38:02.54,0:38:06.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:38:06.43,0:38:09.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:09.96,0:38:12.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:12.27,0:38:14.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not from season four of The Wire.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:14.07,0:38:15.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once
Dialogue: 0,0:38:15.80,0:38:19.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tole me his favorite food is hot pockets.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:19.04,0:38:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:38:21.82,0:38:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:23.85,0:38:26.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you've gotta play dirty to win it."
Dialogue: 0,0:38:26.08,0:38:27.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When has Harris played dirty in life?
Dialogue: 0,0:38:27.75,0:38:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can only think of one instance, it's when
Dialogue: 0,0:38:29.56,0:38:30.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's playing Halo, because as soon as the
Dialogue: 0,0:38:30.89,0:38:32.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,board starts, he always knows where the rocket
Dialogue: 0,0:38:32.31,0:38:33.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,launchers are and he grabs them and starts
Dialogue: 0,0:38:33.66,0:38:35.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does
Dialogue: 0,0:38:35.23,0:38:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo
Dialogue: 0,0:38:36.60,0:38:37.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with him anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:37.81,0:38:39.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:38:39.81,0:38:41.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I'm sure there's some people here
Dialogue: 0,0:38:41.19,0:38:42.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that have never played Halo, and that doesn't
Dialogue: 0,0:38:42.23,0:38:45.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make any sense, so I will give you an analogy.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:45.06,0:38:46.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay? It would be as if you were playing
Dialogue: 0,0:38:46.87,0:38:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten
Dialogue: 0,0:38:50.00,0:38:52.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and landed on park place. And then Harris
Dialogue: 0,0:38:52.72,0:38:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,came in with a rocket launcher and blew
Dialogue: 0,0:38:54.30,0:39:00.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everybody up. (laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:39:00.35,0:39:03.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Last time I spoke with Harris, I said
Dialogue: 0,0:39:03.16,0:39:04.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What's been going on?" and he said
Dialogue: 0,0:39:04.23,0:39:07.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm applying for college, is there any way
Dialogue: 0,0:39:07.01,0:39:10.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can help me with my college essays?"
Dialogue: 0,0:39:10.84,0:39:14.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're
Dialogue: 0,0:39:14.29,0:39:17.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write
Dialogue: 0,0:39:17.23,0:39:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is going to be insane. So I can read it to
Dialogue: 0,0:39:20.52,0:39:21.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people in public and it'll help me with
Dialogue: 0,0:39:21.80,0:39:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my job." (laughter and cheering)
Dialogue: 0,0:39:27.11,0:39:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I brought along a copy of his essay.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:33.53,0:39:38.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is 100% real. The essay is titled,
Dialogue: 0,0:39:38.52,0:39:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'All the Small Things'
Dialogue: 0,0:39:42.01,0:39:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Take the thumb, even though it is just
Dialogue: 0,0:39:45.88,0:39:48.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,another finger it is the most essential.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:48.85,0:39:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It controls everything from eating and drinking
Dialogue: 0,0:39:50.76,0:39:53.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to writing. Interestingly enough I have found
Dialogue: 0,0:39:53.86,0:39:56.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,many things in life to be the same way."
Dialogue: 0,0:39:56.70,0:39:59.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Already the essay makes no sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:59.76,0:40:01.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When's the last time something interesting
Dialogue: 0,0:40:01.83,0:40:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in your life happened, and you thought
Dialogue: 0,0:40:02.80,0:40:05.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'this reminds me of my thumb'?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:05.54,0:40:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Never.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:08.00,0:40:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes on, "It's always the simple things
Dialogue: 0,0:40:10.70,0:40:12.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that have the greatest impact.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:12.18,0:40:14.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The splitting of an atom caused the death
Dialogue: 0,0:40:14.32,0:40:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned
Dialogue: 0,0:40:17.64,0:40:21.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:40:21.84,0:40:26.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With the simple notion of vending machines
Dialogue: 0,0:40:26.66,0:40:32.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two
Dialogue: 0,0:40:32.41,0:40:34.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things are comparable.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:34.44,0:40:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,200,000 people are dead! And you can rent
Dialogue: 0,0:40:36.25,0:40:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mrs. Doubtfire at the \Ngrocery store now. (laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:40:44.25,0:40:46.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes on to describe a particurlarly
Dialogue: 0,0:40:46.50,0:40:49.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,interesting summer where he volunteered at
Dialogue: 0,0:40:49.99,0:40:52.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a local hospital. This is how he described
Dialogue: 0,0:40:52.07,0:40:56.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that experience. \N"I was a human wheelbarrow"
Dialogue: 0,0:40:56.22,0:41:00.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And let me tell you, it sucked.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:00.84,0:41:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't say "it sucked" \Nin a college essay.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:04.82,0:41:10.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you use language like that, \Nyou know what "it sucks" means?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:10.19,0:41:12.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're referring to sucking dick.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:12.78,0:41:15.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what Harris just said is like, uh, \N"hey, university,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:15.64,0:41:18.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know what volunteering \Nand helping people reminded me of?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:18.17,0:41:19.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Putting a penis in my mouth \Nand sucking it
Dialogue: 0,0:41:19.95,0:41:26.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,till it comes in my chubby little cheeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:26.59,0:41:32.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Later on, he talks about a particularly \Ncrazy day at the hospital.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:32.73,0:41:35.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"A week after I started, \Nthe incident occurred.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:35.68,0:41:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I set foot in the hospital that day, \Nit was more crowded than ever.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:39.44,0:41:44.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There weren't any nurses asking me \Nif I want cookies"
Dialogue: 0,0:41:44.36,0:41:48.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's his gauge of how crazy \Nthings are at the hospital?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:48.55,0:41:52.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why isn't anyone asking me \Nif I want cookies?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:52.09,0:41:56.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer"
Dialogue: 0,0:41:58.20,0:42:01.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but what happened that day was Harris\Nended up meeting a gentleman
Dialogue: 0,0:42:01.17,0:42:05.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who was illiterate, and he'd never met \Nanyone illiterate before,
Dialogue: 0,0:42:05.79,0:42:07.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this really affected him.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:07.100,0:42:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He described how he felt \Nwhen he drove home that day.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:10.40,0:42:14.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I remembered thinking how bizarre \Nit was that someone could not read.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:14.83,0:42:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if I couldn't read?
Dialogue: 0,0:42:16.75,0:42:20.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wouldn't be able to text my friends \Nmovie times or even order cheese biscuits
Dialogue: 0,0:42:20.84,0:42:25.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from Red Lobster.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:25.47,0:42:29.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these are the things that come to harris'\Nmind when he imagines
Dialogue: 0,0:42:29.24,0:42:33.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a world where he can't read.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:33.69,0:42:37.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First of all, you could easily do both \Nthose things if you couldn't read.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:37.85,0:42:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think illiterate people see \Nmovie posters and numbers
Dialogue: 0,0:42:41.22,0:42:45.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and are like, "no clue what that means.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:45.05,0:42:47.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can't pieсe that together".
Dialogue: 0,0:42:48.72,0:42:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now, the red lobster thing is weird also,\N'cause I don't know how many
Dialogue: 0,0:42:53.44,0:42:56.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of you all have been to red lobster, \Nbut if you've been there, you know
Dialogue: 0,0:42:56.25,0:43:00.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no one orders the cheese biscuits; \Nthose are complimentary.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:00.28,0:43:03.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just sit 'em down at your \Ntable as soon as you get there.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:03.84,0:43:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what's harris talking about?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:05.78,0:43:07.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm guessing this is what happens.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:07.33,0:43:10.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He finishes his biscuits, and he sees \Non the menu it says,
Dialogue: 0,0:43:10.32,0:43:12.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"if you finish your biscuits, feel free \Nto order more" he's like, "whew!
Dialogue: 0,0:43:12.73,0:43:14.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank god I can read.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:14.11,0:43:15.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,More biscuits please!"
Dialogue: 0,0:43:18.92,0:43:22.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I told him, I said, "Harris, \Nyou can't send this essay.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:22.00,0:43:22.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's too crazy.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:22.98,0:43:24.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me do a rewrite."
Dialogue: 0,0:43:24.65,0:43:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did a rewrite, which he rejected, \Nbut I will share with you now.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:28.51,0:43:30.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I once volunteered at a hospital.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:30.97,0:43:33.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It sucked dick, but I did \Nget to eat free cookies.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:33.78,0:43:39.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And let me tell you, \NI will suck dick for cookies.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:39.83,0:43:41.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One day, I met a man who was illiterate.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:41.76,0:43:42.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It really affected me.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:42.94,0:43:45.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It made me realize the world \Nis full of great tragedies.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:45.74,0:43:50.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,9/11, The time I overcooked that \Nhot pocket, and here, this man.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:50.59,0:43:52.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He couldn't read.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:52.12,0:43:54.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How would he find a box of \Nbagel bites at the grocery store?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:54.63,0:43:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if he found the box of \Nbagel bites, how would he read
Dialogue: 0,0:43:57.26,0:43:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the directions to cook the bagel bites?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:59.22,0:44:01.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:01.09,0:44:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ate six of 'em one day, \Nand it was disgusting.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:06.09,0:44:07.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name is Harris.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:07.55,0:44:09.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope you consider accepting \Nme into your university.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:09.64,0:44:12.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By the way, during registration, \Nwill there be free cookies,
Dialogue: 0,0:44:12.46,0:44:15.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or will I need to suck someone's dick?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:15.76,0:44:17.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Life's a dirty game.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:17.01,0:44:18.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You gotta play dirty to win it"
Dialogue: 0,0:44:18.54,0:44:23.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause]
Dialogue: 0,0:44:29.04,0:44:34.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to kid Harris for being chubby, \Nbut he's actually not chubby anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:34.42,0:44:35.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He had a growth spurt, \Nand he stretched out.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:35.95,0:44:37.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:37.01,0:44:39.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But a few months ago, I was actually \Nworried that I was getting chubby.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:39.53,0:44:42.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a photo of me on the internet, \Nand in the comments,
Dialogue: 0,0:44:42.61,0:44:47.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone wrote, "whoa! \NWho ate Aziz Ansari?"
Dialogue: 0,0:44:47.61,0:44:51.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:51.13,0:44:53.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If someone ate me, they wouldn't \Nassume my form all of a sudden.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:53.62,0:44:58.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why do you look like that g--"\N- I just ate him!
Dialogue: 0,0:44:58.63,0:45:00.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the person was right.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:00.39,0:45:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gained 12 pounds.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:02.80,0:45:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I started exercising at the gym, \Nlost the weight right away.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:05.94,0:45:08.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I didn't always like the stuff \Nthe people at the gym would tell me.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:08.65,0:45:11.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They would say things like, "hey, Aziz, \Nyou see this new study on yahoo news?
Dialogue: 0,0:45:11.64,0:45:14.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It says any food you would have to eat \Nafter 11:00 goes straight
Dialogue: 0,0:45:14.17,0:45:16.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to your belly you should cut out \Nthose late night snacks.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:16.85,0:45:18.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would always want \Nto say, "oh, really?
Dialogue: 0,0:45:18.78,0:45:22.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's this other study I heard about \Nthat says, uh, if you have a lot of
Dialogue: 0,0:45:22.16,0:45:24.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,alcohol in your system and you eat \Na quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning,
Dialogue: 0,0:45:24.39,0:45:27.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's delicious.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:27.14,0:45:28.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:28.03,0:45:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did that study last night. Twice."
Dialogue: 0,0:45:34.00,0:45:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] But I love food.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:38.12,0:45:39.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love going out to eat at \Nrestaurants and stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:39.89,0:45:42.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's really something I like a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:42.55,0:45:45.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was eating at one of my favorite \Nrestaurants in New York not too long ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:45:45.08,0:45:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was having dinner with \Na friend, and he's like,
Dialogue: 0,0:45:46.83,0:45:48.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"aziz, what have you been up to?"
Dialogue: 0,0:45:48.30,0:45:49.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said, "shut up.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:49.73,0:45:54.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need \Nto hear everything he says"
Dialogue: 0,0:45:54.77,0:45:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And 50 cent did not disappoint.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:58.62,0:46:02.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50 Cent the rapper ordered \Na grapefruit soda.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:02.79,0:46:05.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:05.49,0:46:08.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then 50 cent said the greatest thing \Nanyone could ever say
Dialogue: 0,0:46:08.41,0:46:10.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they see a grapefruit soda.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:10.22,0:46:19.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He looks at the waiter, and \Nhe goes, "Why isn't this purple?"
Dialogue: 0,0:46:19.61,0:46:23.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it took me a few seconds, \Nand then I realized, "oh, my god.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:23.97,0:46:27.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:27.28,0:46:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Excuse me, everybody \Nin the restaurant, shut up.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:29.70,0:46:35.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A waiter's about to explain to \Na grown man what a grapefruit is."
Dialogue: 0,0:46:35.06,0:46:36.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you realize how amazing this is?
Dialogue: 0,0:46:36.53,0:46:38.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are parents that aren't there \Nwhen their children
Dialogue: 0,0:46:38.63,0:46:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,learns what a grapefruit is.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:39.58,0:46:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am there for that moment \Nin rapper 50 cent's life.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:42.78,0:46:48.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This guy leaves the restaurant, \Nhe's gonna know about a new fruit.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:48.51,0:46:50.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the exchange was just glorious.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:50.79,0:46:54.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The waiter struggling to explain the\Nconcept of a grapefruit to a man
Dialogue: 0,0:46:54.11,0:46:56.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who just didn't get it.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:56.73,0:46:57.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was like, "no, you don't understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:57.77,0:46:58.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're two different things.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:58.61,0:46:59.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grape, grapefruit.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:59.64,0:47:00.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grape, grapefruit.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:00.28,0:47:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know grapes are fruits.\NWhy do you keep saying it like that?"
Dialogue: 0,0:47:04.36,0:47:07.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no, it's just one word. Grapefruit.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:07.36,0:47:08.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, it's just one-- \Nit's a different--"
Dialogue: 0,0:47:08.55,0:47:12.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit, \Norange-fruit, carrot-vegetable.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:12.24,0:47:18.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No that's not it at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:18.09,0:47:19.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it just blew my mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:19.28,0:47:21.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How does 50 cent not know \Nwhat a grapefruit is?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:21.62,0:47:24.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This guy's been rich for so long.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:24.38,0:47:26.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He has to run into a grapefruit \Nevery now and then.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:26.82,0:47:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I do okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:27.98,0:47:33.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see grapefruits every fucking day.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:33.52,0:47:35.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What happens when he sees a grapefruit?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:35.49,0:47:39.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is he just like:
Dialogue: 0,0:47:39.29,0:47:43.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What's up with those oranges?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:43.52,0:47:45.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're all red and shit.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:45.95,0:47:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're big as fuck!
Dialogue: 0,0:47:47.14,0:47:48.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're looking at me weird!\NShot those niggas!
Dialogue: 0,0:47:48.17,0:47:50.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[imitates gunfire]
Dialogue: 0,0:47:56.98,0:47:57.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you do this kind of work,\N\N
Dialogue: 0,0:47:57.91,0:47:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a lot of people write stuff
Dialogue: 0,0:47:59.30,0:48:00.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about you on the internet
Dialogue: 0,0:48:00.29,0:48:01.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sometimes people write mean things
Dialogue: 0,0:48:01.62,0:48:04.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the smart thing to do is just ignore that.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:04.61,0:48:06.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But sometimes I would argue with people
Dialogue: 0,0:48:06.100,0:48:08.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, I like arguing
Dialogue: 0,0:48:08.66,0:48:09.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yeah, every now and then but
Dialogue: 0,0:48:09.72,0:48:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I recently put an end to all of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:11.70,0:48:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wanted to share with you guys what happened
Dialogue: 0,0:48:13.41,0:48:16.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the last time I got into an argument online.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:16.68,0:48:20.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It started when my email wasn't working.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:20.49,0:48:21.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I went on my website
Dialogue: 0,0:48:21.47,0:48:22.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wrote,
Dialogue: 0,0:48:22.45,0:48:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"If Gmail even messes up a little bit, I get upset
Dialogue: 0,0:48:25.64,0:48:27.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a little unreasonable,
Dialogue: 0,0:48:27.10,0:48:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but seriously, send my email, Gmail!"
Dialogue: 0,0:48:31.10,0:48:32.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then a guy writes back and says:
Dialogue: 0,0:48:32.42,0:48:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Dude. You're complaining about
Dialogue: 0,0:48:33.98,0:48:35.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a free email service?
Dialogue: 0,0:48:35.87,0:48:37.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe use some of your hollywood money
Dialogue: 0,0:48:37.81,0:48:44.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to buy a real email account. TURD"
Dialogue: 0,0:48:44.60,0:48:47.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which seemed a little aggressive.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:47.40,0:48:48.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I wrote him back and said:
Dialogue: 0,0:48:48.95,0:48:50.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, man, I was joking,
Dialogue: 0,0:48:50.75,0:48:52.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even said it's unreasonable.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:52.50,0:48:55.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So go fuck a bucket of dogshit!"
Dialogue: 0,0:48:56.15,0:48:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he goes:
Dialogue: 0,0:48:57.24,0:48:58.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh sorry, didn't mean to suggest you should
Dialogue: 0,0:48:58.98,0:49:00.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,use a little of that money you have
Dialogue: 0,0:49:00.32,0:49:02.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,instead of crying like a bitch."
Dialogue: 0,0:49:03.40,0:49:05.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At this point, I decided to
Dialogue: 0,0:49:05.03,0:49:07.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,take things up a notch. I said:
Dialogue: 0,0:49:07.61,0:49:09.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I hope four hippopotamuses force you
Dialogue: 0,0:49:09.81,0:49:11.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to blow them and they all cum on your face
Dialogue: 0,0:49:11.49,0:49:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,simultaneously, and you choke on hippo cum
Dialogue: 0,0:49:14.24,0:49:17.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and DIE."
Dialogue: 0,0:49:19.95,0:49:23.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cause that will probably be a pretty rough way to go...
Dialogue: 0,0:49:23.19,0:49:26.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Imagine you're just at your house,
Dialogue: 0,0:49:26.21,0:49:27.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just like making eggs or something,
Dialogue: 0,0:49:27.54,0:49:31.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ding Dong! Oh, a hippo was here,
Dialogue: 0,0:49:31.26,0:49:32.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,four hippos, what do you guys need?
Dialogue: 0,0:49:32.82,0:49:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the hippos are just like
Dialogue: 0,0:49:33.98,0:49:37.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Suck our DICKS."
Dialogue: 0,0:49:37.19,0:49:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even logistically, this is going to be rough.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:39.04,0:49:40.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean you got four hippos lined up in your house
Dialogue: 0,0:49:40.76,0:49:41.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you gotta blow them at the same time
Dialogue: 0,0:49:41.85,0:49:46.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"uhhh uh uhhh uhhhh" [blowing hippo sounds]
Dialogue: 0,0:49:46.80,0:49:48.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then eventually the hippos are like:
Dialogue: 0,0:49:48.31,0:49:51.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We're about to cuuuuum!"
Dialogue: 0,0:49:51.60,0:49:53.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because that's what talking hippos do in that
Dialogue: 0,0:49:53.12,0:49:54.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:54.35,0:49:55.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then it starts
Dialogue: 0,0:49:55.35,0:49:56.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[blasting sounds]
Dialogue: 0,0:49:56.66,0:49:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he's like "ah, oh no,
Dialogue: 0,0:49:57.65,0:49:59.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,oh no, oh no, I'm choking, I'm not going to make it,
Dialogue: 0,0:49:59.93,0:50:01.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die
Dialogue: 0,0:50:01.26,0:50:02.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I need to email my family and tell
Dialogue: 0,0:50:02.58,0:50:03.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,them I love them
Dialogue: 0,0:50:03.34,0:50:05.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Fuck! Gmail's down. That guy was right.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:10.100,0:50:13.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I wrote that up there
Dialogue: 0,0:50:13.94,0:50:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he responded and said
Dialogue: 0,0:50:15.78,0:50:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Here's a tip, don't use the word seriously
Dialogue: 0,0:50:19.55,0:50:21.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you're joking. You want to
Dialogue: 0,0:50:21.26,0:50:23.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,come down to SD and talk that big boy
Dialogue: 0,0:50:23.00,0:50:25.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,talk face to face?"
Dialogue: 0,0:50:25.69,0:50:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm assuming SD stands for South Dakota.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:28.38,0:50:29.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which doesn't intimidate me
Dialogue: 0,0:50:29.91,0:50:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:31.84,0:50:33.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will go to South Dakota and fuck somebody up.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:33.49,0:50:34.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not for real, because I'm small,
Dialogue: 0,0:50:34.94,0:50:41.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'll say shit like that when I'm online.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:41.50,0:50:43.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I kinda want to end this argument, so I tell him
Dialogue: 0,0:50:43.18,0:50:45.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Look. You're the only one of thousands
Dialogue: 0,0:50:45.35,0:50:46.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who had this impression of me,
Dialogue: 0,0:50:46.75,0:50:48.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe you should just look up sarcasm
Dialogue: 0,0:50:48.51,0:50:49.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the dictionary."
Dialogue: 0,0:50:49.63,0:50:50.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he goes:
Dialogue: 0,0:50:50.51,0:50:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You can't tell sarcasm from text Akbar,
Dialogue: 0,0:50:53.14,0:50:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but nice try."
Dialogue: 0,0:50:55.00,0:50:55.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said:
Dialogue: 0,0:50:55.70,0:50:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well that's strange! Cause everyone who didn't
Dialogue: 0,0:50:57.27,0:50:58.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have the veiny shaft of a huge hippo
Dialogue: 0,0:50:58.94,0:51:00.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,cock deep in their throat,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:00.15,0:51:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could, KEITH. Yeah, I called you
Dialogue: 0,0:51:02.84,0:51:05.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Keith, a random white guy name,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:05.34,0:51:09.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just like you cleverly did to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:09.40,0:51:11.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with 'Akbar'. By the way,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:11.41,0:51:12.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the previous use of the word 'cleverly',
Dialogue: 0,0:51:12.81,0:51:15.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was SARCASTIC. Could you tell it by
Dialogue: 0,0:51:15.19,0:51:18.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reading it, you dumb piece of shit?"
Dialogue: 0,0:51:19.28,0:51:20.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then he wrote back:
Dialogue: 0,0:51:20.73,0:51:23.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Whatever, you jawwah. "
Dialogue: 0,0:51:23.29,0:51:25.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I didn't know what that meant.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:25.14,0:51:27.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to look it up!
Dialogue: 0,0:51:27.26,0:51:30.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a sign of terribly ineffective racism.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:30.78,0:51:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't say something racist
Dialogue: 0,0:51:31.84,0:51:32.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to someone and then go "hey,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:32.72,0:51:36.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what'd you say? Spell that for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:36.95,0:51:39.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I need to look that up."
Dialogue: 0,0:51:39.51,0:51:41.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's got to be immediate.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:41.08,0:51:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I looked it up and apparently "jahwah"
Dialogue: 0,0:51:42.69,0:51:44.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is some Star Wars character.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:44.84,0:51:46.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's like small and wears a hood
Dialogue: 0,0:51:46.70,0:51:47.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's brown, and yellow eyes,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:47.85,0:51:49.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know, it doesn't offend me.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:49.59,0:51:52.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, I love the idea
Dialogue: 0,0:51:52.68,0:51:54.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a guy that's really racist,
Dialogue: 0,0:51:54.73,0:51:58.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and really into Star Wars.
Dialogue: 0,0:51:58.50,0:52:00.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is an amazing combination
Dialogue: 0,0:52:00.48,0:52:02.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would love to hang out with that dude
Dialogue: 0,0:52:02.23,0:52:04.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for a while. I would go to the movies
Dialogue: 0,0:52:04.06,0:52:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with him whenever I could
Dialogue: 0,0:52:05.96,0:52:08.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because, at one point, I feel like he would
Dialogue: 0,0:52:08.42,0:52:10.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stand up and he'd say something like
Dialogue: 0,0:52:10.29,0:52:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Damn it! I can't hear the movie because
Dialogue: 0,0:52:11.70,0:52:13.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all these Darth Vaders won't shut the
Dialogue: 0,0:52:13.07,0:52:18.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fuck up!"
Dialogue: 0,0:52:18.97,0:52:23.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, at this point, I don't have time for this guy
Dialogue: 0,0:52:23.41,0:52:24.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a busy guy. I've got
Dialogue: 0,0:52:24.58,0:52:26.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Joe Pesci research piling up.
Dialogue: 0,0:52:26.58,0:52:28.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, I tell him,
Dialogue: 0,0:52:28.84,0:52:31.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Look. I don't have time to argue with a guy
Dialogue: 0,0:52:31.72,0:52:34.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who's integrating racism and Star Wars trivia."
Dialogue: 0,0:52:34.72,0:52:35.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he goes:
Dialogue: 0,0:52:35.55,0:52:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This ceased to be an argument four
Dialogue: 0,0:52:36.96,0:52:38.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hours ago. I just wanted to see some
Dialogue: 0,0:52:38.73,0:52:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,deedless idiot get all worked up
Dialogue: 0,0:52:40.58,0:52:42.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over his tiny pecker."
Dialogue: 0,0:52:42.80,0:52:43.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said, "well,
Dialogue: 0,0:52:43.61,0:52:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,every pecker must seem tiny after
Dialogue: 0,0:52:45.32,0:52:46.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the huge hippo cocks you've had
Dialogue: 0,0:52:46.63,0:52:49.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in your mouth, go suck more of 'em!\N
Dialogue: 0,0:52:49.21,0:52:51.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You got a touch of the tar brush!"
Dialogue: 0,0:52:51.16,0:53:00.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[applause]
Dialogue: 0,0:53:00.68,0:53:03.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had a really fun year this year
Dialogue: 0,0:53:03.06,0:53:05.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a really fun new year's
Dialogue: 0,0:53:05.12,0:53:08.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it was also one of the most embarrassing,
Dialogue: 0,0:53:08.03,0:53:09.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,humiliating, terrifying moments of my
Dialogue: 0,0:53:09.88,0:53:14.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,recent life. I went to a JZ concert
Dialogue: 0,0:53:14.84,0:53:16.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in Las Vegas for New Years.
Dialogue: 0,0:53:16.80,0:53:19.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which was, yes, is a lot of fun
Dialogue: 0,0:53:19.21,0:53:22.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and uh, after the show
Dialogue: 0,0:53:22.07,0:53:23.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they had an afterparty for everyone who went
Dialogue: 0,0:53:23.82,0:53:25.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the concert and it was a lot of fun
Dialogue: 0,0:53:25.29,0:53:26.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everyone's hanging out
Dialogue: 0,0:53:26.27,0:53:28.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then at one point JZ came out
Dialogue: 0,0:53:28.66,0:53:30.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,behind the DJ booth, and was rapping along
Dialogue: 0,0:53:30.84,0:53:32.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with all the songs, and everyone was going
Dialogue: 0,0:53:32.28,0:53:33.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,crazy, and having a good time
Dialogue: 0,0:53:33.59,0:53:36.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and JZ brought the music down
Dialogue: 0,0:53:36.14,0:53:38.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he started talking to the crowd
Dialogue: 0,0:53:38.48,0:53:39.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was like:
Dialogue: 0,0:53:39.55,0:53:40.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey everybody, just wanted to wish you a
Dialogue: 0,0:53:40.75,0:53:42.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,happy New Year's, it's a really special night
Dialogue: 0,0:53:42.87,0:53:44.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tonight, we got a lot of great people in the
Dialogue: 0,0:53:44.33,0:53:46.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,building tonight, we got me, JZ, we got
Dialogue: 0,0:53:46.32,0:53:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we got Beyonce in the building,
Dialogue: 0,0:53:47.78,0:53:50.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we got Rihanna in the building,"
Dialogue: 0,0:53:50.39,0:53:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I looked at my friend Al and I was like
Dialogue: 0,0:53:51.49,0:53:54.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We got Aziz in the building!"
Dialogue: 0,0:53:54.36,0:53:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then JZ goes
Dialogue: 0,0:53:55.00,0:53:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We got Aziz in the building,"
Dialogue: 0,0:53:57.04,0:53:58.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like Oh shit!
Dialogue: 0,0:53:58.22,0:54:00.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm in the building! I had
Dialogue: 0,0:54:00.08,0:54:02.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no idea I was in the building! I've
Dialogue: 0,0:54:02.07,0:54:03.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never been a part of building announcements
Dialogue: 0,0:54:03.76,0:54:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before! No one's ever excited about me
Dialogue: 0,0:54:06.09,0:54:07.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being in a building.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:07.70,0:54:09.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's never like "Aziz is in the building!"
Dialogue: 0,0:54:09.28,0:54:12.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always like "Ts. Aziz is in the building?
Dialogue: 0,0:54:12.12,0:54:14.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's go to another building.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:14.92,0:54:18.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This building has got really low standards."
Dialogue: 0,0:54:18.44,0:54:21.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he said that I was like oh
Dialogue: 0,0:54:21.96,0:54:22.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that was nice of him to give me a little
Dialogue: 0,0:54:22.85,0:54:24.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shoutout or whatever, but
Dialogue: 0,0:54:24.19,0:54:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's when things got terrible.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:25.64,0:54:26.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After he said that he goes:
Dialogue: 0,0:54:26.64,0:54:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yo Aziz! Come up here and tell everybody
Dialogue: 0,0:54:28.54,0:54:32.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a joke!" And I was like "Ah no!"
Dialogue: 0,0:54:32.90,0:54:34.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is 4 AM on New Year's, I'm out of
Dialogue: 0,0:54:34.46,0:54:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of my head, I'm not in a condition
Dialogue: 0,0:54:35.40,0:54:37.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to tell jokes. But he keeps pushing it
Dialogue: 0,0:54:37.93,0:54:39.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's like "Nah man, come up here and tell
Dialogue: 0,0:54:39.61,0:54:42.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everybody a New Year's Day joke."
Dialogue: 0,0:54:42.39,0:54:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A "New Year's Day" joke?
Dialogue: 0,0:54:46.83,0:54:49.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a really specific request.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:49.70,0:54:53.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What...what would that even be.
Dialogue: 0,0:54:53.37,0:54:55.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did one bird say to the other bird?
Dialogue: 0,0:54:55.65,0:54:57.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wow this year really flew by!"
Dialogue: 0,0:54:57.34,0:55:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Back to JZ everyone!
Dialogue: 0,0:55:03.30,0:55:04.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he kept pushing this, and he would
Dialogue: 0,0:55:04.73,0:55:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not stop. And eventually, I just had to
Dialogue: 0,0:55:07.08,0:55:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,go up there. And I'll do my best
Dialogue: 0,0:55:08.80,0:55:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to recreate what happened when I took
Dialogue: 0,0:55:10.40,0:55:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the stage. He passes me the mic.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:13.41,0:55:21.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Umm... hello. Okay uh...
Dialogue: 0,0:55:21.97,0:55:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One time um... this restaurant went to my house
Dialogue: 0,0:55:25.72,0:55:28.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ahahahah that didn't happen,
Dialogue: 0,0:55:28.97,0:55:31.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's not how that one goes...
Dialogue: 0,0:55:31.15,0:55:39.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[yawn] I'm sleepy. Happy New Year!"
Dialogue: 0,0:55:39.79,0:55:43.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I gave the mic back to JZ.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:43.84,0:55:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the jiggaman was not pleased.
Dialogue: 0,0:55:47.42,0:55:48.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He grabbed the mic and made this weird
Dialogue: 0,0:55:48.62,0:55:51.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,face. And I was like oh no I let him down,
Dialogue: 0,0:55:51.83,0:55:52.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gotta think of something funny,
Dialogue: 0,0:55:52.82,0:55:54.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I thought of something funny to say
Dialogue: 0,0:55:54.07,0:55:55.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I reached back for the mic,
Dialogue: 0,0:55:55.01,0:55:58.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was like "No! You had your chance
Dialogue: 0,0:55:58.04,0:56:00.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be funny, and you missed it!"
Dialogue: 0,0:56:00.27,0:56:01.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like "Oh no!"
Dialogue: 0,0:56:01.91,0:56:03.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I get it. Because JZ is the smoothest
Dialogue: 0,0:56:03.76,0:56:07.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,man of all time. His life operates in
Dialogue: 0,0:56:07.05,0:56:08.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a different way than mine. He can't
Dialogue: 0,0:56:08.77,0:56:10.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,comprehend the levels of unsmoothness
Dialogue: 0,0:56:10.72,0:56:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that go on with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:12.76,0:56:14.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like if JZ slipped on a banana peel,
Dialogue: 0,0:56:14.59,0:56:16.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he would just put his other foot on the
Dialogue: 0,0:56:16.14,0:56:17.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,banana peel and just slide wherever
Dialogue: 0,0:56:17.93,0:56:19.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he was going.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:19.32,0:56:20.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Man, I got here even faster than I
Dialogue: 0,0:56:20.54,0:56:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anticipated! Haha! Thanks, banana peel!"
Dialogue: 0,0:56:23.85,0:56:26.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My life is the opposite.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:26.24,0:56:28.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My life is me spilling mustard on my shirt
Dialogue: 0,0:56:28.34,0:56:31.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the time. JZ is never going to spill
Dialogue: 0,0:56:31.00,0:56:32.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mustard on his shirt.
Dialogue: 0,0:56:32.30,0:56:34.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if mustard was about to land on his
Dialogue: 0,0:56:34.19,0:56:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shirt, someone else would coincidentally
Dialogue: 0,0:56:35.85,0:56:37.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be passing him a hotdog, and the
Dialogue: 0,0:56:37.90,0:56:41.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mustard would just go "bum, bum bum bum"
Dialogue: 0,0:56:41.55,0:56:42.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he grabbed the hotdog and would be like
Dialogue: 0,0:56:42.71,0:56:44.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yo man can I get some mus- Haha!
Dialogue: 0,0:56:44.77,0:56:46.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you about to take a bite of the world's greatest..."
Dialogue: 0,0:56:46.28,0:56:49.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[groovy eating sounds]
Dialogue: 0,0:56:50.31,0:56:53.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[applause]
Dialogue: 0,0:56:54.47,0:56:55.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Before I leave, I wanted to talk about
Dialogue: 0,0:56:55.85,0:57:02.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,R. Kelly for a second.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:02.70,0:57:04.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Um, when I was putting together the
Dialogue: 0,0:57:04.75,0:57:06.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,material for this special, I was thinking like,
Dialogue: 0,0:57:06.57,0:57:08.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't need to talk about R. Kelly.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:08.60,0:57:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've discussed him in the past.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:09.82,0:57:11.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No reason to talk about him anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:11.78,0:57:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wasn't going to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:13.36,0:57:14.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's the problem:
Dialogue: 0,0:57:14.67,0:57:18.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:18.93,0:57:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm conflicted about this
Dialogue: 0,0:57:20.60,0:57:23.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this is what R.Kelly's been up to.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:23.95,0:57:27.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Uh, he put out a song last year called "Echo"
Dialogue: 0,0:57:27.81,0:57:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the song, he's talking about hooking
Dialogue: 0,0:57:31.10,0:57:34.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,up with a girl and trying to make her echo.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:34.89,0:57:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:38.05,0:57:40.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have never been hooking up with a woman
Dialogue: 0,0:57:40.33,0:57:45.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and her being like "AZIZ AZIz Aziz Aziz Aziz..."
Dialogue: 0,0:57:45.10,0:57:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cause I would think "Oh no, I'm hooking up,
Dialogue: 0,0:57:47.24,0:57:51.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a ghost!"
Dialogue: 0,0:57:51.15,0:57:53.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he put this song out, and I guess what
Dialogue: 0,0:57:53.82,0:57:55.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,happened is there were some R. Kelly fans
Dialogue: 0,0:57:55.71,0:57:57.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that didn't know what an echo is.
Dialogue: 0,0:57:57.99,0:57:59.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what do you do if you're R. Kelly in
Dialogue: 0,0:57:59.48,0:58:00.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that situation?
Dialogue: 0,0:58:00.51,0:58:01.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you gonna, post a video online
Dialogue: 0,0:58:01.70,0:58:03.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,defining the word echo?
Dialogue: 0,0:58:03.18,0:58:05.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,YES.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:05.20,0:58:07.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's exactly what he did.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:07.04,0:58:09.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the video went like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:09.31,0:58:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He comes on the screen and he's like
Dialogue: 0,0:58:10.46,0:58:12.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know what
Dialogue: 0,0:58:12.17,0:58:14.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an echo is. Now an echo is just basically
Dialogue: 0,0:58:14.91,0:58:16.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like you know when you standing
Dialogue: 0,0:58:16.32,0:58:17.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on top of a mountain and you go
Dialogue: 0,0:58:17.27,0:58:21.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hello!" and you hear "hello hello hello..."
Dialogue: 0,0:58:21.34,0:58:23.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's an echo.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:23.22,0:58:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,End of video.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:27.11,0:58:28.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I said, uh,
Dialogue: 0,0:58:28.39,0:58:29.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the most amazing thing I've seen
Dialogue: 0,0:58:29.91,0:58:31.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in quite a while.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:31.49,0:58:32.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do we get R. Kelly in touch
Dialogue: 0,0:58:32.94,0:58:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the Merriam Webster people
Dialogue: 0,0:58:34.20,0:58:35.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to start funding for the online
Dialogue: 0,0:58:35.64,0:58:40.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,R. Kelly video dictionary.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:40.36,0:58:41.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's gotta happen, at some point,
Dialogue: 0,0:58:41.88,0:58:43.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in our lifetime.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:43.79,0:58:44.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wouldn't that be amazing?
Dialogue: 0,0:58:44.60,0:58:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Type in any word. CheeseBurger.
Dialogue: 0,0:58:46.41,0:58:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know
Dialogue: 0,0:58:47.92,0:58:50.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what a cheeseburger is. You know
Dialogue: 0,0:58:50.06,0:58:51.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you go to McDonalds and you
Dialogue: 0,0:58:51.21,0:58:52.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,order a cheeseburger?
Dialogue: 0,0:58:52.62,0:58:54.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a cheeseburger."
Dialogue: 0,0:58:55.19,0:58:59.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See also: related words:
Dialogue: 0,0:58:59.10,0:59:00.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Veggie Burger":
Dialogue: 0,0:59:00.24,0:59:01.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know when you get a cheeseburger and
Dialogue: 0,0:59:01.67,0:59:02.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it tastes funny?
Dialogue: 0,0:59:02.53,0:59:05.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a veggie burger.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:05.99,0:59:07.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or uh..." Juice Box".
Dialogue: 0,0:59:07.32,0:59:08.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know
Dialogue: 0,0:59:08.38,0:59:10.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what a juice box is. Uh, you know when you
Dialogue: 0,0:59:10.97,0:59:12.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,making love to a woman and you holding
Dialogue: 0,0:59:12.14,0:59:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on to her booty and you like oh my god
Dialogue: 0,0:59:13.32,0:59:14.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is the most amazing booty I've ever
Dialogue: 0,0:59:14.94,0:59:16.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,held onto in my life, I cannot let go of this
Dialogue: 0,0:59:16.16,0:59:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,booty for whatever reason, I cannot let go
Dialogue: 0,0:59:18.92,0:59:20.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But you get really thirsty, that's when you
Dialogue: 0,0:59:20.95,0:59:23.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can reach for your juicebox."
Dialogue: 0,0:59:23.23,0:59:25.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[straw sounds]
Dialogue: 0,0:59:28.05,0:59:30.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or uh, "ATM machine"
Dialogue: 0,0:59:30.12,0:59:31.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Alright y'all, some of y'all don't know what
Dialogue: 0,0:59:31.31,0:59:34.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an ATM is. You know uh, an ATM machine,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:34.71,0:59:37.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a machine where you put a card in,
Dialogue: 0,0:59:37.76,0:59:38.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get money out, and you get your
Dialogue: 0,0:59:38.82,0:59:40.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,money out, and you can leave.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:40.55,0:59:41.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or if you got a girl with you
Dialogue: 0,0:59:41.40,0:59:42.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can put her up against the ATM machine
Dialogue: 0,0:59:42.67,0:59:46.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just gri-i-i-i-i-i-i-nd.
Dialogue: 0,0:59:46.10,0:59:50.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(singing) She's got her hands on your thing
Dialogue: 0,0:59:50.18,0:59:51.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've got your hands on her titties
Dialogue: 0,0:59:51.77,0:59:53.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you about to make love to this
Dialogue: 0,0:59:53.65,0:59:55.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,itty-bitty. Ya'll are
Dialogue: 0,0:59:55.14,0:59:56.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fucking by the ATM
Dialogue: 0,0:59:56.51,0:59:57.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fucking by the ATM
Dialogue: 0,0:59:57.79,1:00:01.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fucking by the ATMMMMMMM
Dialogue: 0,1:00:05.37,1:00:08.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit
Dialogue: 0,1:00:08.21,1:00:12.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit
Dialogue: 0,1:00:12.41,1:00:16.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn girl I need additional funds
Dialogue: 0,1:00:16.08,1:00:16.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's an ATM.
Dialogue: 0,1:00:17.29,1:00:19.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you guys so much!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:19.15,1:00:21.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very very much!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:21.08,1:00:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for coming out!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:23.08,1:00:25.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're a fantastic audience!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:25.03,1:00:27.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good night, Thank you!
Dialogue: 0,1:00:27.23,1:00:33.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[applause]