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[Jazz music]

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[cheers and applause] Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you very much.

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Alright.

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Washington, D.C.

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Thank you so much for 
coming out to the taping

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for my second stand-up special.

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[cheers and applause] 
Very excited to be here.

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Uh... Before we start the show, 
I know there's probably

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some signs up saying, 
no photos and things of that nature,

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and that's just because 
obviously we're taping this.

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And also, when I do these shows, 
people can start taking photos,

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and there'll be a lot of 
flashing and orange lights,

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and it can be a little 
distracting when I'm trying

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to focus on the performance.

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But what I've realized is 
that, uh, people don't give a shit,

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and they take photos anyway, 
because there are some shitty people

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that come to these shows.

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I mean, look how many people are here.

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Some of you are shitty people.

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There's no question.

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If we met in any other context 
besides you paying me money

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to see me tell jokes, 
I'm sure there are some

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of you I would hate with a passion.

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No question about it.

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I really hate some of you a lot.

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So what I thought we could 
do as a compromise--

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right now, before I start the show,

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I understand people like photos and stuff,

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so right now, before we start the show,

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I'm gonna pretend like 
I'm in the middle of a joke,

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and you can take as many 
photos as you want,

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and then after that, 
we'll have a great show, okay?

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(laughter) (cheering)

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So here we go, if you want to snap a photo

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go for it.

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(laughter)

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(laughter and chuckling)

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Some fake joke where I need to go through

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a crawl space.

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Let's act like uh, let's act like an

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incident happened with a audience member.

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Like sir, could you stand up 
and act like you're yelling at me--

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about something?

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(laughter and applause)

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So... you can show that photo
to people and tell 'em

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"Yeah at one point in the show 
this guy just stood up

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and was like whites are the superior race"

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And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,
sir, you need to sit down."

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All right, cool, everybody good with
photos and everything?

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Thank you so much for coming out 
I really appreciate you coming out

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Thank you so much.

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I live, uh - I live in New York right now.

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[audience cheers] And--yes.

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And I'm single right now, and--

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(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.

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You don't mean that shit. (laughter)

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And whenever I go out to bars there,

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I have this one friend of mine.

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He's one of these guys 
he's like, "Aw, man.

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Any cute girl you see, 
just go talk to her, man.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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Any cute girl you see, 
just say something,

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anything, it doesn't matter what.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?"

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I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

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That girl is gonna be mean as shit 
to me for no reason at all.

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Why do I want to deal with that?

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- Hi how are you? 
- Fuck you!

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All right. I'll see you later.

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I'll go talk to my friend Brian. 
He's always nice to me.

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And, sure, that's a little bit 
of an exaggeration,

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but that is how it feels sometimes.

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I once went up to this girl 
'cause I thought

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she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

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I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" 
and she said, "Thank you,"

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and we started talking, 
and she seemed nice.

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Then at one point, her friend comes over,

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and when the girl's friend comes over,

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she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.

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He came to talk to me 'cause 
he thought I had a cool bag,"

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and rolled her eyes.

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And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.

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No reason to do that.

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I was just being nice," right?

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So I said to myself right there,

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"Whenever I leave this conversation,

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I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

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And... I really like her bag."

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So, at one point,

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we're sitting there talking,

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and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "

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"Hey what's that over there?"

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and then I stole her purse.

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Yeah.

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That bag's mine now.

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I never know what to say 
to girls in situations like that.

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It's always so awkward.

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I was having lunch 
with a friend of mine once,

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and I told him, 
"Hey, there's this one girl

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that works in this restaurant.

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She's so cute, but I don't know what to
say to her

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and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do

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is go over there and be honest 
with her for a minute."

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Really? That's all I gotta do?

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So I just need to walk over--

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"Excuse me, miss.

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I just need to be real honest 
with you for a minute.

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I eat here all the time, 
and when I do, I stare at your face.

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And I imagine us fucking 
while I eat my sandwiches.

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Let me know if you'd like to turn 
my fantasy into your reality."

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I'm not sure that would work out too well.

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People always give you 
the same dumb advice

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in situations like that.

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They'll say things like, 
"Oh just leave her a big tip."

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How does that work?

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I just walk over-- "Yes, 
can I get a muffin, please?

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Here's $100.

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I think you know what that means.

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I'm willing to have sex 
with you for the price of $98."

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I was doing that joke 
one night, and this guy

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in the audience just yells, 
"Just tell her you're on TV."

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Yeah.

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There's no way I'll sound 
like a jerk if I do that, right?

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"Excuse me, miss.

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I'm on TV.

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(clears throat) ... I said...

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I'm on TV.

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I don't know what's going 
on here, but this is the part

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where you start sucking my dick

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I guess that's what some dudes 
think being on tv's like.

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I just walk into bars
"What's up everybody?

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Just so you know someone that's appeared 
on television is here.

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So if you're interested in giving me a 
handjob in the restroom let's line up

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to the left."

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No. That's not how it works at all.

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How it works is I walk into a bar and
5 dudes are like

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"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw
on that thing!

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Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't 
believe you're here

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You've gotta take a photo with me
and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-

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though, we gotta drive there now."
That doesn't sound safe.

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I was in a relationship for a few years 
and I think

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while I was in the relationship
all dating communication went exclusively-

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to text. You can't call anybody anymore.

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You call someone and they're like
"What? Are you on fire?

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Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."

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And I don't like texting people. 
Especially girls because there's always

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miscommunication that happens.

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This is a situation I get into all the 
time.

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I'll text a girl, she texts me back 
right away.

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I text her right away. 
She texts me back right away.

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I text her back right away, 
She texts me back right away.

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I text her back right away
She texts me back right away.

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Then I'll say something like 
"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--

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on Tuesday?"
And then I don't hear anything.

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And I'm like "What just happened? 
I know you read that shit. You responded--

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to 20 other things I just sent.
What do you not like me anymore?

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You don't have two seconds to say
'yes I want to get pizza?'

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or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"

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What did you chuck your phone into
a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--

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a few hours? What's the deal?

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And after a few hours of no response
I get real upset.

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And I just want to send a text that says
something like

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"Well guess who just got un invited 
to the pizza party?

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You didn't 'cus I hate you now."

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Girl always writes something back
"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-

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we had to turn off our phones."

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Whatever we're done. 
I finished that pizza hours ago.

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I'm up with my friend Brian and he's 
nice to me.

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I went out with this girl in LA 
a few times. 


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She was really nice and last time I was in
LA, I called her up.

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And asked her out to dinner and she's 
like "Yeah, sure"

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Then 2 hours before our date she calls me 
up and she goes

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"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner
with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.

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Now is that a problem?"

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And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest
problem we could have.

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Why would I go out with you 
if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"

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What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets
to this carnival but you can't ride--

185
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any rides, is that a problem?
Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--

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those rides, that's the whole point of me
going to the carnival.

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These tickets you gave me are useless.

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00:09:23,948 --> 00:09:26,952
Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of
Amazon but I shipped it to my friend

189
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Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?

190
00:09:28,843 --> 00:09:31,730
Yeah that's a problem, 
that's not my address!

191
00:09:31,730 --> 00:09:34,663
And I don't have Lisa's contact info
and now she makes your paninis,

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I really want one. 
What's the best case scenario?

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We go out on this amazing dinner date,
have a fantastic time, come back to my--

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00:09:45,266 --> 00:09:49,898
place. She's like "Aziz I had a really 
time at dinner tonight and I wanna give

195
00:09:49,898 --> 00:09:53,250
you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my 
boyfriend's penis instead of yours.

196
00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:54,911
Is that a problem?"

197
00:09:54,911 --> 00:09:59,586
Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're 
gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--

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00:09:59,586 --> 00:10:01,690
at my house.

199
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:11,487
It's always kinda depressing to me when I
talk to girls who have boyfriends.

200
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:16,097
Because when you ask then how they met 
their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.

201
00:10:16,603 --> 00:10:18,905
Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was
doing volunteer work and one day he said

202
00:10:18,905 --> 00:10:22,331
something nice to me and gave me a flower
and we started going out."

203
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:26,058
No. It's always a story like "I was at 
the club and this guy came up to me and

204
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:31,029
was like 'I've been staring at your ass 
all night. Is it cool if I take you out

205
00:10:31,029 --> 00:10:34,785
sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"

206
00:10:36,484 --> 00:10:37,778
Why would you say yes to that?

207
00:10:37,778 --> 00:10:39,998
'I don't know what's the worst that
could happen?'

208
00:10:39,998 --> 00:10:42,644
What's the worst that could happen?
He could put something in your drink

209
00:10:42,644 --> 00:10:45,232
and rape you, 
that's the worst that could happen.

210
00:10:45,232 --> 00:10:47,920
He could murder you and use your legs to 
make stilts that look like legs.


211
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,115
Another thing that could happen.

212
00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:54,266
But that's my problem is that I think too 
much.

213
00:10:54,266 --> 00:10:59,233
Go to a bar and watch people, you see two 
different types of guys.

214
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,189
There's one type of guy, that's a guy like
me.

215
00:11:01,189 --> 00:11:03,088
We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin
to each other

216
00:11:03,088 --> 00:11:05,436
'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't 
know, I don't know, I don't know.

217
00:11:05,436 --> 00:11:08,795
Let's just talk to each 
other tonight Brian.'

218
00:11:08,795 --> 00:11:14,036
Then, there's a second type of dude: 
The dumb dudes.

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00:11:14,036 --> 00:11:15,733
They're at the bar, they don't care about
anything. They're like

220
00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:18,817
"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop
it in a beer with a bunch of other shit

221
00:11:18,817 --> 00:11:23,101
Ubleeeeheeeeheee, 
I'll sing anything to anybody.

222
00:11:23,101 --> 00:11:24,957
Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."

223
00:11:24,957 --> 00:11:28,253
Then they go up to some girl and they're
like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,

224
00:11:28,253 --> 00:11:33,521
Ah, I just wanted to say you look really
beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one

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00:11:33,521 --> 00:11:39,252
day I'd be able to put my hands on 
your titties. My name's Kevin."

226
00:11:39,252 --> 00:11:42,994
"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my 
boyfriend for 3 years?"

227
00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:46,833
"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really 
shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever

228
00:11:46,833 --> 00:11:47,931
I want?"

229
00:11:47,931 --> 00:11:51,195
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never 
break up with you."

230
00:11:51,195 --> 00:11:53,627
Then they leave together. Meanwhile...
I finally get up my courage:

231
00:11:53,627 --> 00:11:55,048
"Uh, that's a nice jacket."

232
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:59,391
"Get the fuck outta my face."

233
00:11:59,391 --> 00:12:02,014
And then some Indian dude that 
recognizes me from the tv

234
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:05,562
will invite me back 
to his dorm to play video games.

235
00:12:16,681 --> 00:12:18,494
Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.

236
00:12:18,494 --> 00:12:22,611
You ever at a party and you're talking to 
a guy and you think "Wow, this guy

237
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:28,467
is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met 
maybe all year, what a dumb person

238
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:31,783
I cannot wait to get outta this 
conversation with this dumb person"

239
00:12:31,783 --> 00:12:33,710
And they say something like 
"Yeah and I got two kids, "

240
00:12:33,710 --> 00:12:37,897
And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.
You can't have two kids you're so stupid.

241
00:12:37,897 --> 00:12:43,597
What are you doing raising kids? You're 
so dumb! You're raising murderers."

242
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,599
This happens to me all the time. It's so 
terrifying.

243
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:51,002
I was talking to a dude at a party who is
26 years old, had a three year old son.

244
00:12:51,002 --> 00:12:53,353
And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" 
And then a few minutes later

245
00:12:53,353 --> 00:12:57,719
I overheard him telling a group of people 
the story about how a week earlier he'd

246
00:12:57,719 --> 00:13:03,385
tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni 
and cheese.

247
00:13:03,385 --> 00:13:05,302
And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
woah,

248
00:13:05,302 --> 00:13:09,650
You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl
of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid

249
00:13:09,650 --> 00:13:13,870
the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are 
over.

250
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:15,966
And he's sitting here telling people this 
story. And he's like

251
00:13:15,966 --> 00:13:19,614
"Yeah and then I put the condom on" 
and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--

252
00:13:19,614 --> 00:13:24,743
for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not 
trying to get cheese all over my dick ."

253
00:13:24,743 --> 00:13:30,172
As if that were a totally reasonable
thing to say.

254
00:13:30,172 --> 00:13:33,362
As if I were the weird one for even 
bringing up the question.

255
00:13:33,362 --> 00:13:36,801
Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.

256
00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:42,356
And I told him, " You don' understand
in this situation, putting the condom on

257
00:13:42,356 --> 00:13:44,829
makes everything way worse." 'Cus that 
means the whole time he went to go find a

258
00:13:44,829 --> 00:13:47,524
box of condoms, open the box of condoms,
take the condom out, open the condom

259
00:13:47,524 --> 00:13:50,841
wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go 
back to the macaroni.

260
00:13:50,841 --> 00:13:54,717
That whole time he never once thought, 
"You know what, maybe I don't need to

261
00:13:54,717 --> 00:13:58,593
fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe
I could do literally anything else and it

262
00:13:58,593 --> 00:14:02,813
would be a better use of my time. "

263
00:14:02,813 --> 00:14:05,394
How are you gonna do something like that 
when you have a kid?

264
00:14:05,394 --> 00:14:08,034
What if his kid saw that? He'd never be 
able to tell that kid anything.

265
00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:10,669
"Hey be nice to be people, do good in 
school."

266
00:14:10,669 --> 00:14:15,845
"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni
and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--

267
00:14:15,845 --> 00:14:19,181
advice? By the way I'm three years old, my
language skills are very impressive,

268
00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:22,182
Maybe I should just ride this shit out on
my own."

269
00:14:22,182 --> 00:14:29,754
(crowd cheering)

270
00:14:29,754 --> 00:14:34,431
I have, uh, internet access right now. 
'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm

271
00:14:34,431 --> 00:14:40,651
sure some of you guys are online as well. 
And I like the internet, but it's really

272
00:14:40,651 --> 00:14:43,976
annoying sometimes. Like does this 
situation happen to you?

273
00:14:43,976 --> 00:14:48,386
You're sitting at your computer, working
on something really important. And you

274
00:14:48,386 --> 00:14:52,688
think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made
more money than Home Alone 1.

275
00:14:52,688 --> 00:14:57,918
I gotta look into this now. Sorry, 
important work, something more pressing

276
00:14:57,918 --> 00:15:03,593
has come up. I do stuff like 
that all the time.

277
00:15:03,593 --> 00:15:05,637
And what's so annoying is that once I 
start looking into one thing,

278
00:15:05,637 --> 00:15:07,806
I'll see something else I want to 
research.

279
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,787
For example, In the Home Alone situation.
Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like

280
00:15:10,787 --> 00:15:15,372
"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, 
I don't know much about Joe Pesci.

281
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:20,427
Maybe I should learn everything about
Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing

282
00:15:20,427 --> 00:15:24,912
all this Joe Pesci research. And now
I know so much about Joe Pesci.

283
00:15:24,912 --> 00:15:27,032
But it's useless information, It's never
going to help me.

284
00:15:27,032 --> 00:15:32,318
I never heard of a situation where a guy
been in an alley doing the knife,

285
00:15:32,318 --> 00:15:34,977
"You're gonna die tonight unless you can 
tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci

286
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:38,820
put out when he was a little kid."
"Little Joe sure can sing."

287
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:44,670
"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so 
many people know that? I need to stop

288
00:15:44,670 --> 00:15:51,249
integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my 
murders. People know more about him than

289
00:15:51,249 --> 00:15:54,163
I anticipated."

290
00:15:54,163 --> 00:15:57,646
I always waste time like that. 
The other night I was up late, I remember

291
00:15:57,646 --> 00:16:01,701
I've never seen any of those Saw movies 
before. They're not supposed to be

292
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:05,454
particularly good movies. But my friend 
told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the

293
00:16:05,454 --> 00:16:10,950
twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."
And I love twists at the end of movies.

294
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:15,496
So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw
ending' and sure enough the clip comes up

295
00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:19,498
And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz
you didn't see the rest of the movie, the

296
00:16:19,498 --> 00:16:20,482
clip won't make sense."

297
00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:24,142
Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went
on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the

298
00:16:24,142 --> 00:16:27,784
plot summary and when I got to the last 
paragraph, I stopped.

299
00:16:27,784 --> 00:16:30,966
Then I went back and watched that video. 
And let me tell you I did not see that--

300
00:16:30,966 --> 00:16:32,751
coming."

301
00:16:38,269 --> 00:16:43,632
Someone recently sent me a password 
to one of those online porn sites.

302
00:16:43,632 --> 00:16:46,767
And the password worked.

303
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:49,856
And I don't know if anyone here's 
ever had membership access

304
00:16:49,856 --> 00:16:53,157
to any of those sites, 
but it is incredible.

305
00:16:53,157 --> 00:16:57,608
If you're kind of on the fence, 
like, "i don't know, it just doesn't

306
00:16:57,608 --> 00:17:00,508
seem like it would be 
worth it to spend--" do it.

307
00:17:00,508 --> 00:17:04,098
Now, the trend in these sites 
is they try to make it seem

308
00:17:04,098 --> 00:17:06,064
like this stuff all really happened.

309
00:17:06,064 --> 00:17:07,389
Like this is real life.

310
00:17:07,389 --> 00:17:09,701
These aren't actors, 
this stuff really happened.

311
00:17:09,701 --> 00:17:12,859
So they have dumb names like 
"RealLifeDickParty.com"

312
00:17:12,859 --> 00:17:15,178
and the videos are all the same.

313
00:17:15,178 --> 00:17:16,978
These guys go up to 
some girls, they're like,

314
00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:20,065
"excuse me, you girls want to come back 
to our place and have a dick party?"

315
00:17:20,065 --> 00:17:25,398
and the girls are always like "Yeah!" 
and they get in their car,

316
00:17:25,398 --> 00:17:27,706
they drive back to the house, 
they have sex, they film it, and it goes

317
00:17:27,706 --> 00:17:30,634
RealLifeDickParty.com!

318
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,713
Does anyone think those clips are real?

319
00:17:32,713 --> 00:17:35,813
If they want people to think it's real, 
every now and then,

320
00:17:35,813 --> 00:17:39,326
they should have a clip where 
some guys go up to some girls, like,

321
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:40,859
"excuse me, uh, you girls want 
to come back to our place

322
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:42,129
and have a dick party?"

323
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:43,234
and the girl's like, "what?

324
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:44,032
That's disgusting!

325
00:17:44,032 --> 00:17:50,597
"Get out of here you asshole!"
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

326
00:17:50,597 --> 00:17:52,986
then you're at home like, 
"man, I guess it is real.

327
00:17:52,986 --> 00:17:54,759
Those girls didn't want to 
have a dick party at all.

328
00:17:54,759 --> 00:17:57,811
They just continued on to Whole Foods"

329
00:17:57,811 --> 00:18:04,032
now, the first video I watched 
on the site, these guys go

330
00:18:04,052 --> 00:18:06,075
into a doughnut shop, right?

331
00:18:06,075 --> 00:18:08,916
And they're talking to the girls 
in the doughnut shop, they're like,

332
00:18:09,151 --> 00:18:10,513
"hey, so, what do you think of us 
maybe giving you some money,

333
00:18:10,513 --> 00:18:11,932
and then we can hook up 
in the back of the donut shop"

334
00:18:11,932 --> 00:18:15,768
and the girl's like, 
"Ok that sounds good!"

335
00:18:15,768 --> 00:18:19,546
she was not a very good actress.

336
00:18:19,546 --> 00:18:21,765
So they go in the back, 
and they start hooking up.

337
00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:25,934
So there's a guy hooking up 
with a girl in the back

338
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:27,538
of a doughnut shop.

339
00:18:27,538 --> 00:18:30,078
Now, this guy eventually does 
what any reasonable person

340
00:18:30,078 --> 00:18:35,198
would do in that situation, 
and he puts a doughnut around his dick.

341
00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:39,161
Now, the woman is performing 
fellatio-type services,

342
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:43,836
and she's getting dangerously 
close to this doughnut.

343
00:18:43,836 --> 00:18:47,088
And then at one point, she just 
takes a bite of the doughnut.

344
00:18:47,088 --> 00:18:48,613
And I don't know why, 
but as soon as that happened,

345
00:18:48,613 --> 00:18:51,693
I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!

346
00:18:51,693 --> 00:18:54,343
What an amazing choice by that actress!

347
00:18:54,343 --> 00:18:57,306
I wonder if that was improvised, 
like the doughnut was just there, ..

348
00:18:57,306 --> 00:19:07,353
[chomps] .. And the director 
is just [mouthing]

349
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:14,425
But what does that say about me 
as a person that I got so excited?

350
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:18,060
I guess I just like food too much.

351
00:19:18,076 --> 00:19:20,169
It's a good thing I don't write 
the scripts for those videos.

352
00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:23,188
My script would be like, 
"all right, so, you pick this girl up

353
00:19:23,188 --> 00:19:26,421
in los angeles, and you drop her off 
at this restaurant called animal,

354
00:19:26,421 --> 00:19:29,790
and she orders the 
hamachi tostada, the poutine,

355
00:19:29,790 --> 00:19:32,036
the rabbit legs, and the 
strawberry pound cake.

356
00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:34,253
And they bring her everything, and 
she's like, 'oh, my god,

357
00:19:34,253 --> 00:19:35,363
this looks so good'

358
00:19:35,363 --> 00:19:36,827
And she eats everything.

359
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:37,940
There's not a bite left.

360
00:19:37,940 --> 00:19:39,667
And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.

361
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:46,826
Maybe the best meal I've had all year. 
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

362
00:19:53,021 --> 00:19:54,695
you know what's weird about 
that doughnut video is,

363
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:57,074
they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.

364
00:19:57,074 --> 00:20:00,202
Which means they had to pay 
a doughnut shop owner

365
00:20:00,202 --> 00:20:02,524
to use that as a location.

366
00:20:02,524 --> 00:20:05,925
But I guess if you're a doughnut shop 
owner, the risk is pretty low.

367
00:20:05,925 --> 00:20:09,113
What are the chances of someone 
at home watching the video and going,

368
00:20:09,113 --> 00:20:11,311
"oh, no, that's where 
I get my doughnuts from!

369
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:13,526
That's what goes on back there?

370
00:20:13,526 --> 00:20:18,181
I just thought they were putting 
chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"

371
00:20:18,181 --> 00:20:20,179
but that's got to be 
happening to some dude.

372
00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:22,462
They film all these videos 
in the same town, I imagine.

373
00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:25,053
There's gotta be some dude 
waking up every morning like,

374
00:20:25,053 --> 00:20:27,364
"oh, no, not the bank too!

375
00:20:27,364 --> 00:20:29,035
I was supposed to make a deposit today!

376
00:20:29,035 --> 00:20:31,994
And there's jizz everywhere!"

377
00:20:34,411 --> 00:20:36,948
I always thought the best thing 
that could happen in the doughnut video

378
00:20:36,948 --> 00:20:41,006
is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, 
and then she just starts walking away.

379
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,180
And the guy's like, 
"Hey where are you going?"

380
00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:45,382
and she's like, 
"i wasn't trying to suck your dick.

381
00:20:45,382 --> 00:20:46,979
I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.

382
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:48,045
That looked delicious.

383
00:20:48,045 --> 00:20:49,327
"Bob's doughnuts.

384
00:20:49,327 --> 00:20:50,470
The best doughnuts in town.

385
00:20:50,470 --> 00:20:53,692
We won't make you suck a dick for yours"

386
00:20:59,030 --> 00:21:03,024
I was doing a show one night, 
and they had a woman signing my entire act

387
00:21:03,064 --> 00:21:06,871
to the left of the stage, and whenever 
I got to that punch line

388
00:21:06,871 --> 00:21:08,966
where I said "Jizz everywhere!"

389
00:21:08,966 --> 00:21:18,506
she went like this.
And.. It was amazing.


390
00:21:18,507 --> 00:21:22,277
I said Jizz everywhere a few more times
just to make sure

391
00:21:23,329 --> 00:21:24,858
I understood what was going on

392
00:21:24,858 --> 00:21:28,654
Coz that had to be an on-the-fly
sign for "Jizz everywhere"

393
00:21:28,654 --> 00:21:34,008
She's like "Ok.. There's jizz
Oh.. oh It's everywhere"

394
00:21:34,008 --> 00:21:37,486
Coz everywhere can't be like 
[Nasal Eeeehhhhh]

395
00:21:37,486 --> 00:21:39,406
You'd look crazy;
Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere'

396
00:21:39,406 --> 00:21:42,507
"Hey, I'm new in town. 
Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"

397
00:21:42,507 --> 00:21:44,255
"Oh, those are everywhere!

398
00:21:44,255 --> 00:21:45,884
"There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here"

399
00:21:45,884 --> 00:21:49,654
That's gotta be custom for 'jizz'

400
00:21:49,654 --> 00:21:52,856
Jizz everywhere, the ceiling 
the carpet the walls the plates

401
00:21:52,856 --> 00:21:55,874
the tupperware the television, 
I don't know what

402
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,627
happened but it's everywhere 
and I'm really

403
00:21:57,627 --> 00:22:02,726
sorry about it. Also know that 
jizz is just (silly sound)

404
00:22:02,726 --> 00:22:05,805
that's jizz. (mimics sound)

405
00:22:05,805 --> 00:22:07,593
No more thought went into that.

406
00:22:07,593 --> 00:22:09,873
Guys up late developing 
sign language, uhh, guys I'm

407
00:22:09,873 --> 00:22:11,911
really tired, can we pick up 
tomorrow. I'm really beat

408
00:22:11,911 --> 00:22:14,655
I really need some sleep. 
A few more words? Fine.

409
00:22:14,655 --> 00:22:17,530
What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz!

410
00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:18,451
'What if it's everywhere?'

411
00:22:18,451 --> 00:22:20,609
That's Jizz everywhere!

412
00:22:20,609 --> 00:22:22,535
How come I get all the 
dirty words? Brian got puppy

413
00:22:22,535 --> 00:22:29,119
I got jizz everywhere?

414
00:22:29,943 --> 00:22:32,483
And the only reason I 
bring this up is, you know

415
00:22:32,483 --> 00:22:34,648
it can be days from now, weeks from now

416
00:22:34,648 --> 00:22:37,877
months from now, years 
from now, but one day

417
00:22:37,877 --> 00:22:39,971
one of you guys could be walking around

418
00:22:39,971 --> 00:22:43,082
and see a Deaf person about to walk into

419
00:22:43,082 --> 00:22:45,167
a room where there's jizz everywhere

420
00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:47,996
and you'd be like (signs)

421
00:22:47,996 --> 00:22:50,982
and they'll be like (signs)

422
00:22:50,982 --> 00:22:53,203
and they'll head somewhere 
else, free of jizz.

423
00:23:03,657 --> 00:23:08,928
I'm from South Carolina and. 
thank you. and whenever

424
00:23:08,928 --> 00:23:14,308
I tell people that they're 
always like "(gasp) oh no.

425
00:23:14,308 --> 00:23:19,488
but it's so racist there, (whispers) 
and your skin is brown"

426
00:23:19,488 --> 00:23:22,840
"how did you survive?"

427
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,407
And sure, certain parts of 
South Carolina can be

428
00:23:25,407 --> 00:23:27,679
pretty racist, more racist than 
other parts of the country.

429
00:23:27,679 --> 00:23:30,253
But what these people forget 
is that the food there

430
00:23:30,253 --> 00:23:34,163
is delicious. So growing up 
in South Carolina it's

431
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:35,966
kind of like "oh that guy
just say the N-word?

432
00:23:35,966 --> 00:23:37,433
Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, 
never mind"

433
00:23:37,433 --> 00:23:40,340
"nom nom nom nom nom nom"

434
00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:42,528
Even if right now, some dude 
stood up and was like "hey

435
00:23:42,528 --> 00:23:44,115
I'm going to say a bunch 
of racist stuff, but

436
00:23:44,115 --> 00:23:45,611
afterwards I'm going to 
give you a biscuit."

437
00:23:45,611 --> 00:23:49,366
I'd be like "that's a weird 
deal, but I'll take it"

438
00:23:49,366 --> 00:23:52,793
'Cause I hate racism, 
but I love a good biscuit.

439
00:23:55,489 --> 00:23:57,756
I just think it's a little silly 
when sometimes people act

440
00:23:57,756 --> 00:24:00,534
as if all the really crazy 
racism is just in places like

441
00:24:00,534 --> 00:24:02,852
South Carolina, Alabama, 
Mississippi, or whatever

442
00:24:02,852 --> 00:24:05,289
because I've seen crazy 
racist stuff happen

443
00:24:05,289 --> 00:24:08,751
everywhere. I have a friend 
in LA, he's Korean right?

444
00:24:08,751 --> 00:24:11,249
And he got locked out of his appartment.

445
00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:13,812
So he called a locksmith, ok?

446
00:24:13,812 --> 00:24:15,603
And the locksmith is getting all his info

447
00:24:15,603 --> 00:24:17,380
he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like

448
00:24:17,380 --> 00:24:20,182
"chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that?

449
00:24:20,182 --> 00:24:23,253
The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy

450
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:26,439
goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are

451
00:24:26,439 --> 00:24:30,019
trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him.

452
00:24:30,019 --> 00:24:32,682
Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow'

453
00:24:32,682 --> 00:24:37,881
so this locksmith does no business with Korean American.

454
00:24:37,881 --> 00:24:42,007
But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would

455
00:24:42,007 --> 00:24:45,381
have to call him before economically he couldn't afford

456
00:24:45,381 --> 00:24:47,866
to be that racist?

457
00:24:47,866 --> 00:24:49,903
Like, what if Korean people just kept calling?

458
00:24:49,903 --> 00:24:51,587
Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would

459
00:24:51,587 --> 00:24:53,474
have made five thousand dollars yesterday

460
00:24:53,474 --> 00:24:54,872
if I didn't hate Korean people.

461
00:24:54,872 --> 00:24:56,484
This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy

462
00:24:56,484 --> 00:25:01,556
America. They can't even find their keys."

463
00:25:03,148 --> 00:25:04,210
But then weirdly, that stereotype would get

464
00:25:04,210 --> 00:25:05,908
integrated into his racism. Like he would see

465
00:25:05,908 --> 00:25:07,793
Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess,

466
00:25:07,793 --> 00:25:09,942
can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent)

467
00:25:09,942 --> 00:25:13,911
Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?"

468
00:25:13,911 --> 00:25:15,460
He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like

469
00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:18,855
"ha! There's something you don't see everyday"

470
00:25:18,855 --> 00:25:21,556
"Korean dude actually had his keys for once"

471
00:25:21,556 --> 00:25:23,810
(mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?"

472
00:25:23,810 --> 00:25:28,114
"na na na na na na na, they're in your house."

473
00:25:28,114 --> 00:25:32,337
Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist.

474
00:25:32,337 --> 00:25:36,666
but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs.

475
00:25:36,666 --> 00:25:40,095
Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that?

476
00:25:40,095 --> 00:25:42,033
As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like

477
00:25:42,033 --> 00:25:45,033
"yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board"

478
00:25:45,033 --> 00:25:48,079
No one was lost.

479
00:25:48,079 --> 00:25:51,133
How are racist things like that so ubiquitous?

480
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:54,837
At one point do our parents sit us down

481
00:25:54,837 --> 00:25:56,625
"hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian

482
00:25:56,625 --> 00:25:57,659
people is 'ching chong, bing bong'"

483
00:25:57,659 --> 00:25:58,911
"Don't ever say it to them"

484
00:25:58,911 --> 00:26:00,005
"Well if they say something racist to you,

485
00:26:00,005 --> 00:26:00,846
I don't know. I gotta get out of here.

486
00:26:00,846 --> 00:26:02,385
Don't touch that macaroni"

487
00:26:02,385 --> 00:26:06,467
[laughter]

488
00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:10,272
One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs

489
00:26:10,272 --> 00:26:11,432
and see if I could learn anything, and I found

490
00:26:11,432 --> 00:26:14,380
a very interesting article. It was titled

491
00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:18,810
'list of every ethnic slur'

492
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:25,429
and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them.

493
00:26:25,429 --> 00:26:26,804
and if it's cool with you guys, I would now

494
00:26:26,804 --> 00:26:28,913
like to share a few of my favorites.

495
00:26:30,584 --> 00:26:35,307
now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok?

496
00:26:35,307 --> 00:26:37,227
So they're offensive. They're offensive by their

497
00:26:37,227 --> 00:26:40,547
very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one

498
00:26:40,547 --> 00:26:42,996
and you're offended, there's no reason to be like

499
00:26:42,996 --> 00:26:49,992
"ahhhwwwoooo"

500
00:26:49,992 --> 00:26:51,946
because we all know they're offensive.

501
00:26:51,946 --> 00:26:54,730
So instead you can shut your fucking mouth.

502
00:26:57,118 --> 00:26:58,272
At the same time though

503
00:26:58,272 --> 00:26:59,711
At the same time, I don't want to do this

504
00:26:59,711 --> 00:27:01,582
bit and look at the audience and see some

505
00:27:01,582 --> 00:27:04,587
guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!"

506
00:27:04,587 --> 00:27:07,552
"yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]"

507
00:27:07,552 --> 00:27:10,947
'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end

508
00:27:10,947 --> 00:27:13,398
of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs.

509
00:27:13,398 --> 00:27:18,228
Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory

510
00:27:18,228 --> 00:27:21,800
descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly

511
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,346
caucasian ancestry with real or suspected

512
00:27:25,346 --> 00:27:28,537
distant Asian or African ancestry.

513
00:27:28,675 --> 00:27:31,214
Now, this is a pretty specific situation

514
00:27:31,214 --> 00:27:35,194
to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh

515
00:27:35,194 --> 00:27:37,481
If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is

516
00:27:37,481 --> 00:27:41,597
"You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush"

517
00:27:41,597 --> 00:27:45,453
"Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush"

518
00:27:45,453 --> 00:27:50,069
"This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]"

519
00:27:50,069 --> 00:27:52,289
"You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry

520
00:27:52,289 --> 00:27:54,830
in your predominantly Caucasian face?"

521
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,688
Some of the racial slurs, uh

522
00:28:02,688 --> 00:28:05,565
contained other racial slurs within themselves

523
00:28:05,565 --> 00:28:08,269
they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient

524
00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:11,500
to me. For example, there was one for Native American

525
00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:14,890
people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word.

526
00:28:14,890 --> 00:28:16,913
Whenever I hear that, I imagine this scenario

527
00:28:17,012 --> 00:28:18,818
Some guy's talking to a Native American dude

528
00:28:18,818 --> 00:28:20,614
"Get out of here prairie N-word"

529
00:28:20,614 --> 00:28:22,219
Some black guy's like "what'd you say?"

530
00:28:22,219 --> 00:28:24,293
"Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you."

531
00:28:24,293 --> 00:28:26,396
[laughter]

532
00:28:26,396 --> 00:28:28,532
"Step off"

533
00:28:30,636 --> 00:28:34,518
But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's

534
00:28:34,518 --> 00:28:36,695
like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would

535
00:28:36,695 --> 00:28:38,533
you say that to?"

536
00:28:38,533 --> 00:28:40,235
See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.

537
00:28:40,235 --> 00:28:44,756
'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it.

538
00:28:44,756 --> 00:28:47,243
See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer"

539
00:28:47,243 --> 00:28:50,531
Anyone have a guess on that one?

540
00:28:50,531 --> 00:28:53,201
Christ killer. Who would you say that to?

541
00:28:53,201 --> 00:28:57,582
Christ killer, killer of Christ.

542
00:28:57,582 --> 00:28:59,817
Did someone say Jewish people? No!

543
00:28:59,817 --> 00:29:02,360
It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people

544
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,505
who hate Asians so much, they blame them

545
00:29:04,505 --> 00:29:07,271
for the death of Christ.

546
00:29:07,271 --> 00:29:09,770
"Christ killer" "But I'm Asian"

547
00:29:09,770 --> 00:29:12,586
"I know. Why do you think God created locks?"

548
00:29:12,586 --> 00:29:15,561
"Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ"

549
00:29:22,575 --> 00:29:23,957
But what I learned reading that list though

550
00:29:23,957 --> 00:29:26,813
is that I think you can make anything sound

551
00:29:26,813 --> 00:29:29,602
racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice

552
00:29:29,602 --> 00:29:32,838
the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful.

553
00:29:32,838 --> 00:29:35,716
Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now.

554
00:29:35,716 --> 00:29:39,557
Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity?

555
00:29:39,557 --> 00:29:42,023
Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat!

556
00:29:42,023 --> 00:29:47,464
Quit laughing kitkat!

557
00:29:47,464 --> 00:29:51,594
See? That started to sound real racist.

558
00:29:51,594 --> 00:29:52,638
[laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah.

559
00:29:52,638 --> 00:29:56,559
That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person.

560
00:29:56,599 --> 00:29:59,205
Aziz must be implying that he's brown on the outside,

561
00:29:59,205 --> 00:30:02,066
wafer like on the inside. [laughter]

562
00:30:05,724 --> 00:30:08,473
I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour

563
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:14,654
I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting.

564
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,354
I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than

565
00:30:18,354 --> 00:30:23,277
an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys

566
00:30:23,277 --> 00:30:25,244
were at one point the biggest band in the world.

567
00:30:25,244 --> 00:30:26,758
Preforming at arenas and stuff. But at the same time they

568
00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:30,156
were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin

569
00:30:30,156 --> 00:30:32,966
all the time. My body could just not take anything like that.

570
00:30:33,332 --> 00:30:35,882
Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!"

571
00:30:35,882 --> 00:30:39,592
The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did

572
00:30:39,592 --> 00:30:42,827
Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?"

573
00:30:42,827 --> 00:30:45,038
"None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy

574
00:30:45,038 --> 00:30:47,260
and fell off a building" [laughter]

575
00:30:50,645 --> 00:30:53,155
They have all these insane stories about girls. Like

576
00:30:53,155 --> 00:30:55,664
at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right?

577
00:30:55,664 --> 00:30:59,066
But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night

578
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:02,839
to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside

579
00:31:02,839 --> 00:31:08,890
burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter]

580
00:31:08,890 --> 00:31:11,680
Was a motley crew guy just running around

581
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,127
"Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas

582
00:31:14,127 --> 00:31:15,964
My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her.

583
00:31:15,964 --> 00:31:16,877
What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

584
00:31:16,877 --> 00:31:18,336
What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with

585
00:31:18,336 --> 00:31:19,938
soap and water? No! That won't work!

586
00:31:19,938 --> 00:31:22,434
Why? I don't know!"

587
00:31:22,434 --> 00:31:25,813
"Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The

588
00:31:25,813 --> 00:31:28,656
scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend.

589
00:31:28,656 --> 00:31:32,839
[laughter]

590
00:31:32,839 --> 00:31:34,572
That story is the quintessential difference between

591
00:31:34,572 --> 00:31:37,741
a comedy tour, and a rock tour.

592
00:31:37,741 --> 00:31:39,260
A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like

593
00:31:39,260 --> 00:31:41,418
"yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas

594
00:31:41,418 --> 00:31:42,523
off my dick"

595
00:31:42,523 --> 00:31:44,737
A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter]

596
00:31:51,508 --> 00:31:55,311
I like touring, the only thing 
I don't like is the actual

597
00:31:55,814 --> 00:31:57,926
travel itself. Because people can 
be so rude when you're

598
00:31:57,926 --> 00:32:01,128
traveling. The rudest person I 
ever met in my entire life is

599
00:32:01,128 --> 00:32:05,025
the eastern European customs lady 
at the Toranto airport.

600
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:08,361
What's that lady's problem? 
Why's she gotta be so rude?

601
00:32:08,361 --> 00:32:11,223
Customs people are the first people you 
meet when you go to a new country.

602
00:32:11,223 --> 00:32:12,862
They should be nice, welcoming.

603
00:32:12,862 --> 00:32:14,083
This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes

604
00:32:14,083 --> 00:32:19,215
"what you are doing here?! [shouting]"

605
00:32:19,215 --> 00:32:20,192
[laughter]

606
00:32:20,192 --> 00:32:21,372
And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?"

607
00:32:21,372 --> 00:32:23,416
She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?"

608
00:32:23,416 --> 00:32:25,628
I was like "you know, 
like, filming a movie"

609
00:32:25,628 --> 00:32:27,171
She goes "I know what 
it means filming movie. I mean

610
00:32:27,171 --> 00:32:28,631
are you doing the lights? Are you acting?

611
00:32:28,631 --> 00:32:31,164
Are you directing? 
I could do without your sarcasm."

612
00:32:31,164 --> 00:32:33,797
I was like, "Why are you being so mean?

613
00:32:33,797 --> 00:32:36,910
I said something and you went 
'what it mean shooting movie.'

614
00:32:36,910 --> 00:32:39,480
So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and
I'm trying to explain things to you."

615
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,235
[laughter]

616
00:32:41,235 --> 00:32:42,925
I'm stunned you know what 
the word sarcams means

617
00:32:43,204 --> 00:32:45,725
your English is slightly better 
than Animal from the Muppet Babies.

618
00:32:45,725 --> 00:32:49,287
And you're yelling at me 
like a psychopath.

619
00:32:50,169 --> 00:32:52,206
And I got my stamp and I walked on. 
But I kind of

620
00:32:52,206 --> 00:32:54,300
wish I had forgotten the stamp 
and turned around

621
00:32:54,300 --> 00:32:57,157
and was like "Guess what?! I lied!"

622
00:32:57,157 --> 00:32:59,033
And then pulled out a DVD 
of Jurassic Park and a

623
00:32:59,033 --> 00:33:01,384
hand gun, and was like 
"this is what I mean shooting movie"

624
00:33:01,384 --> 00:33:03,054
"Bang bang bang bang bang"

625
00:33:03,054 --> 00:33:05,905
[laughter]

626
00:33:08,510 --> 00:33:11,406
Passengers can also be rude to you also.

627
00:33:11,406 --> 00:33:13,797
I was flying home once and I 
was sitting next

628
00:33:13,797 --> 00:33:16,443
to this couple. They had these 
two puppies, that they put

629
00:33:16,443 --> 00:33:18,286
under the seats infront of us.

630
00:33:18,286 --> 00:33:19,976
Now, there was an older 
couple sitting there

631
00:33:19,976 --> 00:33:22,436
and they said "Hey, you guys mind 
moving the puppies

632
00:33:22,436 --> 00:33:24,554
over a little bit so we can put 
our jackets under there?"

633
00:33:24,554 --> 00:33:27,306
And the lady with the 
puppies is like, "um, no!

634
00:33:27,306 --> 00:33:29,128
We have two puppies, 
they need all the room.

635
00:33:29,128 --> 00:33:31,947
Thank you very much"

636
00:33:31,947 --> 00:33:33,251
And I was like, "Whoa.
Why'd you need

637
00:33:33,251 --> 00:33:34,899
to be so rude about that?"

638
00:33:34,899 --> 00:33:36,273
And then she started 
talking to her husband.

639
00:33:36,273 --> 00:33:38,357
She's like, "Ugh, can you believe
those people, asking us

640
00:33:38,357 --> 00:33:40,002
to move the puppies for their jackets?

641
00:33:40,002 --> 00:33:42,401
What kind of nerve they have!
Who do they think they are?!"

642
00:33:42,401 --> 00:33:45,349
I was like, "I fucking hate this lady."

643
00:33:45,349 --> 00:33:46,943
(laughter)

644
00:33:46,943 --> 00:33:47,909
So I started chiming in.

645
00:33:47,909 --> 00:33:49,513
I was like, "Yeah, I heard that.

646
00:33:49,513 --> 00:33:51,457
I couldn't believe they'd 
ask something like that.

647
00:33:51,457 --> 00:33:53,849
Those people are awful!
Those people are terrible!

648
00:33:53,849 --> 00:33:57,217
Those people deserve to be murdered."

649
00:33:57,217 --> 00:34:00,078
(laughter)

650
00:34:00,078 --> 00:34:02,769
And I didn't say another 
word the whole flight.

651
00:34:02,769 --> 00:34:05,960
(laughter)

652
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,298
And then the flight lands.

653
00:34:08,298 --> 00:34:11,866
And the old couple gets up, 
they leave the plane.

654
00:34:11,866 --> 00:34:15,078
The young couple's about to get up, 
but I hold them down and I go,

655
00:34:15,078 --> 00:34:18,995
"No, no. I got this."

656
00:34:18,995 --> 00:34:21,714
And I step over them and I start 
following the old people, right?

657
00:34:21,714 --> 00:34:23,426
The young couple's behind me.

658
00:34:23,426 --> 00:34:25,598
We get outside the airport,
I pull out the gun

659
00:34:25,598 --> 00:34:27,707
that I have from the previous joke--

660
00:34:27,707 --> 00:34:28,928
(laughter)

661
00:34:28,928 --> 00:34:30,325
Loaded two bullets.

662
00:34:30,325 --> 00:34:32,095
I aim it at the old people, 
but then I spin around

663
00:34:32,095 --> 00:34:34,480
and I aim it at the puppies.
BANG! BANG!

664
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,386
I shoot both those puppies in the face.

665
00:34:37,386 --> 00:34:39,537
And I go, "Never be 
rude to the elderly again!

666
00:34:39,537 --> 00:34:42,224
Have fun burying your dead puppies."

667
00:34:42,224 --> 00:34:45,664
(laughter and applause)

668
00:34:46,594 --> 00:34:47,819
I know what some of you are thinking.

669
00:34:47,819 --> 00:34:49,550
"Oh no, why the puppies get shot?!

670
00:34:49,550 --> 00:34:51,999
The puppies didn't do anything."

671
00:34:51,999 --> 00:34:53,539
I didn't really shoot any puppies.

672
00:34:53,539 --> 00:34:55,288
You were being stupid.

673
00:34:55,288 --> 00:34:57,652
(laughter)

674
00:35:00,563 --> 00:35:03,054
I have met some really interesting people on

675
00:35:03,054 --> 00:35:04,920
tour. One of my favorite people that I've met

676
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,398
was this gentleman who once picked

677
00:35:07,398 --> 00:35:09,467
me up from the airport and drove me to the venue.

678
00:35:09,467 --> 00:35:12,429
And I was talking to this guy, and

679
00:35:12,429 --> 00:35:14,065
I was like "What did you do before you were

680
00:35:14,065 --> 00:35:17,114
a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard"

681
00:35:17,114 --> 00:35:19,144
I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?"

682
00:35:19,144 --> 00:35:21,768
He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus

683
00:35:21,768 --> 00:35:23,624
Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah

684
00:35:23,624 --> 00:35:25,359
out of all the people you've body guarded for

685
00:35:25,359 --> 00:35:27,676
who was the toughest person to do security for?

686
00:35:27,676 --> 00:35:29,736
Who had the craziest fans?"

687
00:35:29,736 --> 00:35:32,590
He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cher"

688
00:35:32,590 --> 00:35:37,839
"Craziest fans. Pauly Shore"

689
00:35:37,839 --> 00:35:39,543
And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong

690
00:35:39,543 --> 00:35:42,918
answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man

691
00:35:42,918 --> 00:35:44,704
can you leave Pauly Shore alone? Thanks."

692
00:35:45,571 --> 00:35:48,494
"Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone."

693
00:35:48,494 --> 00:35:52,344
(laughter)

694
00:35:52,344 --> 00:35:53,708
And then I asked him "What did you do

695
00:35:53,708 --> 00:35:55,748
before you were a celebrity body guard?"

696
00:35:55,748 --> 00:35:57,808
He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour bus."

697
00:35:57,808 --> 00:35:59,217
I said, "How was that?"

698
00:35:59,217 --> 00:36:00,823
He goes "Not fun"

699
00:36:00,823 --> 00:36:02,337
I said "Why?"

700
00:36:02,337 --> 00:36:04,611
He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one

701
00:36:04,611 --> 00:36:07,455
of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder."

702
00:36:07,455 --> 00:36:10,055
(laughter)

703
00:36:10,055 --> 00:36:12,516
That was not what I was expecting him to say.

704
00:36:12,516 --> 00:36:13,996
(laughter)

705
00:36:13,996 --> 00:36:16,586
So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate"

706
00:36:16,586 --> 00:36:19,869
And he told me the story. And basically, any time

707
00:36:19,869 --> 00:36:22,377
he was driving the bus, at one point, one of

708
00:36:22,377 --> 00:36:23,753
Madonna's dancers would just

709
00:36:23,753 --> 00:36:27,221
come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on

710
00:36:27,221 --> 00:36:30,634
his shoulder and this happened so many times

711
00:36:30,662 --> 00:36:32,908
he had to quit his job and get into a new profession.

712
00:36:34,005 --> 00:36:35,005
(laughter)

713
00:36:35,005 --> 00:36:36,914
But I guess that would make you quit any job.

714
00:36:36,914 --> 00:36:38,350
You could be a lawyer, and people'd go

715
00:36:38,350 --> 00:36:39,833
"Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?"

716
00:36:39,833 --> 00:36:43,143
"Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm.

717
00:36:43,143 --> 00:36:45,790
And every time I presented a case, he put his dick

718
00:36:45,790 --> 00:36:48,421
on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now

719
00:36:48,421 --> 00:36:51,573
I work at Quizno's"

720
00:36:51,573 --> 00:36:54,454
Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder

721
00:36:54,454 --> 00:36:56,932
for three hours a day. If at some point, another

722
00:36:56,932 --> 00:36:58,795
guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder

723
00:36:58,795 --> 00:37:00,468
you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the

724
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,823
fuck is this? I never signed up for that.

725
00:37:02,823 --> 00:37:04,374
I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three

726
00:37:04,374 --> 00:37:06,445
hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we

727
00:37:06,445 --> 00:37:08,677
signed man. The language is very specific.

728
00:37:08,677 --> 00:37:10,614
Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows

729
00:37:10,614 --> 00:37:13,041
and toes now. We have a deal. You know what?

730
00:37:13,041 --> 00:37:14,820
That's fine. If this is how you guys run things

731
00:37:14,820 --> 00:37:17,040
I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't

732
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:20,081
need this shit"

733
00:37:20,081 --> 00:37:28,149
(laughter and clapping)

734
00:37:28,149 --> 00:37:30,946
Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes

735
00:37:30,946 --> 00:37:33,459
to update you on one of my favorite people in the world.

736
00:37:33,459 --> 00:37:36,750
And that's my chubby little cousin Harris.

737
00:37:41,828 --> 00:37:43,495
Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives

738
00:37:43,495 --> 00:37:45,617
in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids

739
00:37:45,617 --> 00:37:47,921
or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on

740
00:37:47,921 --> 00:37:49,739
what he's been up to.

741
00:37:49,739 --> 00:37:52,485
Uhhhh, Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't

742
00:37:52,485 --> 00:37:54,479
get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do

743
00:37:54,479 --> 00:37:56,760
check up on him regurlary on his facebook page and

744
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,138
read his status uptates.

745
00:37:58,138 --> 00:37:59,613
He recently had a quote up there.

746
00:37:59,613 --> 00:38:02,538
And the quote said, "life's a dirty game

747
00:38:02,538 --> 00:38:06,433
you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter)

748
00:38:06,433 --> 00:38:09,962
"dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one.

749
00:38:09,962 --> 00:38:12,270
(laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original.

750
00:38:12,270 --> 00:38:14,073
That's not from season four of The Wire.

751
00:38:14,073 --> 00:38:15,795
That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once

752
00:38:15,795 --> 00:38:19,043
tole me his favorite food is hot pockets.

753
00:38:19,043 --> 00:38:21,815
(laughter)

754
00:38:21,815 --> 00:38:23,851
What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game,

755
00:38:23,851 --> 00:38:26,085
you've gotta play dirty to win it."

756
00:38:26,085 --> 00:38:27,751
When has Harris played dirty in life?

757
00:38:27,751 --> 00:38:29,559
I can only think of one instance, it's when

758
00:38:29,559 --> 00:38:30,893
he's playing Halo, because as soon as the

759
00:38:30,893 --> 00:38:32,307
board starts, he always knows where the rocket

760
00:38:32,307 --> 00:38:33,661
launchers are and he grabs them and starts

761
00:38:33,661 --> 00:38:35,229
blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does

762
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:36,602
this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo

763
00:38:36,602 --> 00:38:37,811
with him anymore.

764
00:38:37,811 --> 00:38:39,811
(laughter)

765
00:38:39,811 --> 00:38:41,192
Now I'm sure there's some people here

766
00:38:41,192 --> 00:38:42,233
that have never played Halo, and that doesn't

767
00:38:42,233 --> 00:38:45,064
make any sense, so I will give you an analogy.

768
00:38:45,064 --> 00:38:46,867
Okay? It would be as if you were playing

769
00:38:46,867 --> 00:38:50,004
Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten

770
00:38:50,004 --> 00:38:52,724
and landed on park place. And then Harris

771
00:38:52,724 --> 00:38:54,296
came in with a rocket launcher and blew

772
00:38:54,296 --> 00:39:00,352
everybody up. (laughter)

773
00:39:00,352 --> 00:39:03,159
Last time I spoke with Harris, I said

774
00:39:03,159 --> 00:39:04,232
"What's been going on?" and he said

775
00:39:04,232 --> 00:39:07,012
"I'm applying for college, is there any way

776
00:39:07,012 --> 00:39:10,844
you can help me with my college essays?"

777
00:39:10,844 --> 00:39:14,294
And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're

778
00:39:14,294 --> 00:39:17,234
a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write

779
00:39:17,234 --> 00:39:20,517
is going to be insane. So I can read it to

780
00:39:20,517 --> 00:39:21,799
people in public and it'll help me with

781
00:39:21,799 --> 00:39:27,111
my job." (laughter and cheering)

782
00:39:27,111 --> 00:39:33,534
So I brought along a copy of his essay.

783
00:39:33,534 --> 00:39:38,523
And this is 100% real. The essay is titled,

784
00:39:38,523 --> 00:39:42,010
'All the Small Things'

785
00:39:42,010 --> 00:39:45,882
"Take the thumb, even though it is just

786
00:39:45,882 --> 00:39:48,846
another finger it is the most essential.

787
00:39:48,846 --> 00:39:50,757
It controls everything from eating and drinking

788
00:39:50,757 --> 00:39:53,856
to writing. Interestingly enough I have found

789
00:39:53,856 --> 00:39:56,702
many things in life to be the same way."

790
00:39:56,702 --> 00:39:59,757
Already the essay makes no sense.

791
00:39:59,757 --> 00:40:01,832
When's the last time something interesting

792
00:40:01,832 --> 00:40:02,805
in your life happened, and you thought

793
00:40:02,805 --> 00:40:05,541
'this reminds me of my thumb'?

794
00:40:05,541 --> 00:40:08,005
Never.

795
00:40:08,005 --> 00:40:10,697
He goes on, "It's always the simple things

796
00:40:10,697 --> 00:40:12,180
that have the greatest impact.

797
00:40:12,180 --> 00:40:14,319
The splitting of an atom caused the death

798
00:40:14,319 --> 00:40:17,645
of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned

799
00:40:17,645 --> 00:40:21,837
the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter)

800
00:40:21,837 --> 00:40:26,660
With the simple notion of vending machines

801
00:40:26,660 --> 00:40:32,412
that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two

802
00:40:32,412 --> 00:40:34,441
things are comparable.

803
00:40:34,441 --> 00:40:35,925
200,000 people are dead! And you can rent

804
00:40:36,247 --> 00:40:42,534
Mrs. Doubtfire at the 
grocery store now. (laughter)

805
00:40:44,250 --> 00:40:46,503
He goes on to describe a particurlarly

806
00:40:46,503 --> 00:40:49,992
interesting summer where he volunteered at

807
00:40:49,992 --> 00:40:52,074
a local hospital. This is how he described

808
00:40:52,074 --> 00:40:56,216
that experience. 
"I was a human wheelbarrow"

809
00:40:56,216 --> 00:41:00,839
And let me tell you, it sucked.

810
00:41:00,839 --> 00:41:04,821
You can't say "it sucked" 
in a college essay.

811
00:41:04,821 --> 00:41:10,191
When you use language like that, 
you know what "it sucks" means?

812
00:41:10,191 --> 00:41:12,778
You're referring to sucking dick.

813
00:41:12,778 --> 00:41:15,641
So what Harris just said is like, uh, 
"hey, university,

814
00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:18,170
you know what volunteering 
and helping people reminded me of?

815
00:41:18,170 --> 00:41:19,953
Putting a penis in my mouth 
and sucking it

816
00:41:19,953 --> 00:41:26,590
till it comes in my chubby little cheeks.

817
00:41:26,590 --> 00:41:32,727
Later on, he talks about a particularly 
crazy day at the hospital.

818
00:41:32,727 --> 00:41:35,683
"A week after I started, 
the incident occurred.

819
00:41:35,683 --> 00:41:39,436
When I set foot in the hospital that day, 
it was more crowded than ever.

820
00:41:39,436 --> 00:41:44,359
There weren't any nurses asking me 
if I want cookies"

821
00:41:44,359 --> 00:41:48,551
that's his gauge of how crazy 
things are at the hospital?

822
00:41:48,551 --> 00:41:52,088
"Why isn't anyone asking me 
if I want cookies?

823
00:41:52,088 --> 00:41:56,131
[scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer"

824
00:41:58,197 --> 00:42:01,170
but what happened that day was Harris
ended up meeting a gentleman

825
00:42:01,170 --> 00:42:05,789
who was illiterate, and he'd never met 
anyone illiterate before,

826
00:42:05,789 --> 00:42:07,997
and this really affected him.

827
00:42:07,997 --> 00:42:10,398
He described how he felt 
when he drove home that day.

828
00:42:10,398 --> 00:42:14,829
"I remembered thinking how bizarre 
it was that someone could not read.

829
00:42:14,829 --> 00:42:16,747
What if I couldn't read?

830
00:42:16,747 --> 00:42:20,838
I wouldn't be able to text my friends 
movie times or even order cheese biscuits

831
00:42:20,838 --> 00:42:25,469
from Red Lobster.

832
00:42:25,469 --> 00:42:29,237
these are the things that come to harris'
mind when he imagines

833
00:42:29,237 --> 00:42:33,691
a world where he can't read.

834
00:42:33,691 --> 00:42:37,851
First of all, you could easily do both 
those things if you couldn't read.

835
00:42:37,851 --> 00:42:41,216
I don't think illiterate people see 
movie posters and numbers

836
00:42:41,216 --> 00:42:45,054
and are like, "no clue what that means.

837
00:42:45,054 --> 00:42:47,708
Can't pieсe that together".

838
00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:53,440
now, the red lobster thing is weird also,
'cause I don't know how many

839
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:56,247
of you all have been to red lobster, 
but if you've been there, you know

840
00:42:56,247 --> 00:43:00,279
no one orders the cheese biscuits; 
those are complimentary.

841
00:43:00,279 --> 00:43:03,838
They just sit 'em down at your 
table as soon as you get there.

842
00:43:03,838 --> 00:43:05,776
So what's harris talking about?

843
00:43:05,776 --> 00:43:07,329
I'm guessing this is what happens.

844
00:43:07,329 --> 00:43:10,316
He finishes his biscuits, and he sees 
on the menu it says,

845
00:43:10,316 --> 00:43:12,727
"if you finish your biscuits, feel free 
to order more" he's like, "whew!

846
00:43:12,727 --> 00:43:14,109
Thank god I can read.

847
00:43:14,109 --> 00:43:15,794
More biscuits please!"

848
00:43:18,922 --> 00:43:22,005
so I told him, I said, "Harris, 
you can't send this essay.

849
00:43:22,005 --> 00:43:22,984
It's too crazy.

850
00:43:22,984 --> 00:43:24,647
Let me do a rewrite."

851
00:43:24,647 --> 00:43:28,508
I did a rewrite, which he rejected, 
but I will share with you now.

852
00:43:28,508 --> 00:43:30,970
"I once volunteered at a hospital.

853
00:43:30,970 --> 00:43:33,782
It sucked dick, but I did 
get to eat free cookies.

854
00:43:33,782 --> 00:43:39,827
And let me tell you, 
I will suck dick for cookies.

855
00:43:39,827 --> 00:43:41,763
One day, I met a man who was illiterate.

856
00:43:41,763 --> 00:43:42,938
It really affected me.

857
00:43:42,938 --> 00:43:45,735
It made me realize the world 
is full of great tragedies.

858
00:43:45,735 --> 00:43:50,594
9/11, The time I overcooked that 
hot pocket, and here, this man.

859
00:43:50,594 --> 00:43:52,115
He couldn't read.

860
00:43:52,115 --> 00:43:54,633
How would he find a box of 
bagel bites at the grocery store?

861
00:43:54,633 --> 00:43:57,256
Even if he found the box of 
bagel bites, how would he read

862
00:43:57,256 --> 00:43:59,218
the directions to cook the bagel bites?

863
00:43:59,218 --> 00:44:01,090
Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites?

864
00:44:01,090 --> 00:44:06,094
I ate six of 'em one day, 
and it was disgusting.

865
00:44:06,094 --> 00:44:07,553
My name is Harris.

866
00:44:07,553 --> 00:44:09,642
I hope you consider accepting 
me into your university.

867
00:44:09,642 --> 00:44:12,463
By the way, during registration, 
will there be free cookies,

868
00:44:12,463 --> 00:44:15,757
or will I need to suck someone's dick?

869
00:44:15,757 --> 00:44:17,008
Life's a dirty game.

870
00:44:17,008 --> 00:44:18,539
You gotta play dirty to win it"

871
00:44:18,539 --> 00:44:23,274
[cheers and applause]

872
00:44:29,045 --> 00:44:34,425
I used to kid Harris for being chubby, 
but he's actually not chubby anymore.

873
00:44:34,425 --> 00:44:35,954
He had a growth spurt, 
and he stretched out.

874
00:44:35,954 --> 00:44:37,012
He's fine.

875
00:44:37,012 --> 00:44:39,526
But a few months ago, I was actually 
worried that I was getting chubby.

876
00:44:39,526 --> 00:44:42,608
I saw a photo of me on the internet, 
and in the comments,

877
00:44:42,608 --> 00:44:47,607
someone wrote, "whoa! 
Who ate Aziz Ansari?"

878
00:44:47,607 --> 00:44:51,128
which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense.

879
00:44:51,128 --> 00:44:53,620
If someone ate me, they wouldn't 
assume my form all of a sudden.

880
00:44:53,620 --> 00:44:58,632
"Why do you look like that g--"
- I just ate him!

881
00:44:58,632 --> 00:45:00,392
but the person was right.

882
00:45:00,392 --> 00:45:02,800
I gained 12 pounds.

883
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:05,939
So I started exercising at the gym, 
lost the weight right away.

884
00:45:05,939 --> 00:45:08,648
But I didn't always like the stuff 
the people at the gym would tell me.

885
00:45:08,648 --> 00:45:11,635
They would say things like, "hey, Aziz, 
you see this new study on yahoo news?

886
00:45:11,635 --> 00:45:14,166
It says any food you would have to eat 
after 11:00 goes straight

887
00:45:14,166 --> 00:45:16,848
to your belly you should cut out 
those late night snacks.

888
00:45:16,848 --> 00:45:18,782
and I would always want 
to say, "oh, really?

889
00:45:18,782 --> 00:45:22,158
There's this other study I heard about 
that says, uh, if you have a lot of

890
00:45:22,158 --> 00:45:24,387
alcohol in your system and you eat 
a quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning,

891
00:45:24,387 --> 00:45:27,139
it's delicious.

892
00:45:27,139 --> 00:45:28,027
Yeah.

893
00:45:28,027 --> 00:45:34,001
I did that study last night. Twice."

894
00:45:34,001 --> 00:45:38,125
[cheers and applause] But I love food.

895
00:45:38,125 --> 00:45:39,887
I love going out to eat at 
restaurants and stuff.

896
00:45:39,887 --> 00:45:42,553
It's really something I like a lot.

897
00:45:42,553 --> 00:45:45,084
I was eating at one of my favorite 
restaurants in New York not too long ago,

898
00:45:45,084 --> 00:45:46,826
and I was having dinner with 
a friend, and he's like,

899
00:45:46,826 --> 00:45:48,303
"aziz, what have you been up to?"

900
00:45:48,303 --> 00:45:49,730
and I said, "shut up.

901
00:45:49,730 --> 00:45:54,770
50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need 
to hear everything he says"

902
00:45:54,770 --> 00:45:58,621
And 50 cent did not disappoint.

903
00:45:58,621 --> 00:46:02,787
50 Cent the rapper ordered 
a grapefruit soda.

904
00:46:02,787 --> 00:46:05,488
The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda.

905
00:46:05,488 --> 00:46:08,414
And then 50 cent said the greatest thing 
anyone could ever say

906
00:46:08,414 --> 00:46:10,222
when they see a grapefruit soda.

907
00:46:10,222 --> 00:46:19,606
He looks at the waiter, and 
he goes, "Why isn't this purple?"

908
00:46:19,606 --> 00:46:23,966
and it took me a few seconds, 
and then I realized, "oh, my god.

909
00:46:23,966 --> 00:46:27,284
50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is.

910
00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:29,696
Excuse me, everybody 
in the restaurant, shut up.

911
00:46:29,696 --> 00:46:35,057
A waiter's about to explain to 
a grown man what a grapefruit is."

912
00:46:35,057 --> 00:46:36,533
you realize how amazing this is?

913
00:46:36,533 --> 00:46:38,626
There are parents that aren't there 
when their children

914
00:46:38,626 --> 00:46:39,578
learns what a grapefruit is.

915
00:46:39,578 --> 00:46:42,779
I am there for that moment 
in rapper 50 cent's life.

916
00:46:42,779 --> 00:46:48,510
This guy leaves the restaurant, 
he's gonna know about a new fruit.

917
00:46:48,510 --> 00:46:50,791
And the exchange was just glorious.

918
00:46:50,791 --> 00:46:54,107
The waiter struggling to explain the
concept of a grapefruit to a man

919
00:46:54,107 --> 00:46:56,733
who just didn't get it.

920
00:46:56,733 --> 00:46:57,770
He was like, "no, you don't understand.

921
00:46:57,770 --> 00:46:58,606
They're two different things.

922
00:46:58,606 --> 00:46:59,644
Grape, grapefruit.

923
00:46:59,644 --> 00:47:00,275
Grape, grapefruit.

924
00:47:00,275 --> 00:47:04,355
"I know grapes are fruits.
Why do you keep saying it like that?"

925
00:47:04,355 --> 00:47:07,359
no, it's just one word. Grapefruit.

926
00:47:07,359 --> 00:47:08,552
you know, it's just one-- 
it's a different--"

927
00:47:08,552 --> 00:47:12,242
"i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit, 
orange-fruit, carrot-vegetable.

928
00:47:12,242 --> 00:47:18,093
No that's not it at all.

929
00:47:18,093 --> 00:47:19,285
And it just blew my mind.

930
00:47:19,285 --> 00:47:21,617
How does 50 cent not know 
what a grapefruit is?

931
00:47:21,617 --> 00:47:24,377
This guy's been rich for so long.

932
00:47:24,377 --> 00:47:26,818
He has to run into a grapefruit 
every now and then.

933
00:47:26,818 --> 00:47:27,981
I do okay.

934
00:47:27,981 --> 00:47:33,518
I see grapefruits every fucking day.

935
00:47:33,518 --> 00:47:35,492
What happens when he sees a grapefruit?

936
00:47:35,492 --> 00:47:39,287
Is he just like:

937
00:47:39,287 --> 00:47:43,519
"What's up with those oranges?

938
00:47:43,519 --> 00:47:45,951
They're all red and shit.

939
00:47:45,951 --> 00:47:47,139
And they're big as fuck!

940
00:47:47,139 --> 00:47:48,174
They're looking at me weird!
Shot those niggas!

941
00:47:48,174 --> 00:47:50,371
[imitates gunfire]

942
00:47:56,979 --> 00:47:57,906
When you do this kind of work,



943
00:47:57,906 --> 00:47:59,298
a lot of people write stuff

944
00:47:59,298 --> 00:48:00,292
about you on the internet

945
00:48:00,292 --> 00:48:01,617
and sometimes people write mean things

946
00:48:01,617 --> 00:48:04,606
and the smart thing to do is just ignore that.

947
00:48:04,606 --> 00:48:06,998
But sometimes I would argue with people

948
00:48:06,998 --> 00:48:08,655
because, I like arguing

949
00:48:08,655 --> 00:48:09,724
yeah, every now and then but

950
00:48:09,724 --> 00:48:11,702
I recently put an end to all of it.

951
00:48:11,702 --> 00:48:13,412
And I wanted to share with you guys what happened

952
00:48:13,412 --> 00:48:16,681
the last time I got into an argument online.

953
00:48:16,681 --> 00:48:20,488
It started when my email wasn't working.

954
00:48:20,488 --> 00:48:21,470
so I went on my website

955
00:48:21,470 --> 00:48:22,447
and I wrote,

956
00:48:22,447 --> 00:48:25,636
"If Gmail even messes up a little bit, I get upset

957
00:48:25,636 --> 00:48:27,095
it's a little unreasonable,

958
00:48:27,095 --> 00:48:31,100
but seriously, send my email, Gmail!"

959
00:48:31,100 --> 00:48:32,417
and then a guy writes back and says:

960
00:48:32,417 --> 00:48:33,982
"Dude. You're complaining about

961
00:48:33,982 --> 00:48:35,871
a free email service?

962
00:48:35,871 --> 00:48:37,809
Maybe use some of your hollywood money

963
00:48:37,809 --> 00:48:44,597
to buy a real email account. TURD"

964
00:48:44,597 --> 00:48:47,404
Which seemed a little aggressive.

965
00:48:47,404 --> 00:48:48,952
So I wrote him back and said:

966
00:48:48,952 --> 00:48:50,750
"Hey, man, I was joking,

967
00:48:50,750 --> 00:48:52,505
and even said it's unreasonable.

968
00:48:52,505 --> 00:48:55,205
So go fuck a bucket of dogshit!"

969
00:48:56,151 --> 00:48:57,240
And then he goes:

970
00:48:57,240 --> 00:48:58,981
"Oh sorry, didn't mean to suggest you should

971
00:48:58,981 --> 00:49:00,318
use a little of that money you have

972
00:49:00,318 --> 00:49:02,448
instead of crying like a bitch."

973
00:49:03,403 --> 00:49:05,033
At this point, I decided to

974
00:49:05,033 --> 00:49:07,608
take things up a notch. I said:

975
00:49:07,608 --> 00:49:09,811
"I hope four hippopotamuses force you

976
00:49:09,811 --> 00:49:11,492
to blow them and they all cum on your face

977
00:49:11,492 --> 00:49:14,236
simultaneously, and you choke on hippo cum

978
00:49:14,236 --> 00:49:17,373
and DIE."

979
00:49:19,949 --> 00:49:23,188
Cause that will probably be a pretty rough way to go...

980
00:49:23,188 --> 00:49:26,213
Imagine you're just at your house,

981
00:49:26,213 --> 00:49:27,544
just like making eggs or something,

982
00:49:27,544 --> 00:49:31,259
Ding Dong! Oh, a hippo was here,

983
00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:32,818
four hippos, what do you guys need?

984
00:49:32,818 --> 00:49:33,983
and the hippos are just like

985
00:49:33,983 --> 00:49:37,190
"Suck our DICKS."

986
00:49:37,190 --> 00:49:39,035
Even logistically, this is going to be rough.

987
00:49:39,035 --> 00:49:40,763
I mean you got four hippos lined up in your house

988
00:49:40,763 --> 00:49:41,847
and you gotta blow them at the same time

989
00:49:41,847 --> 00:49:46,799
"uhhh uh uhhh uhhhh" [blowing hippo sounds]

990
00:49:46,799 --> 00:49:48,311
and then eventually the hippos are like:

991
00:49:48,311 --> 00:49:51,602
"We're about to cuuuuum!"

992
00:49:51,602 --> 00:49:53,115
Because that's what talking hippos do in that

993
00:49:53,115 --> 00:49:54,346
situation.

994
00:49:54,346 --> 00:49:55,347
and then it starts

995
00:49:55,347 --> 00:49:56,655
[blasting sounds]

996
00:49:56,655 --> 00:49:57,651
and he's like "ah, oh no,

997
00:49:57,651 --> 00:49:59,932
oh no, oh no, I'm choking, I'm not going to make it,

998
00:49:59,932 --> 00:50:01,260
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die

999
00:50:01,260 --> 00:50:02,575
I need to email my family and tell

1000
00:50:02,575 --> 00:50:03,340
them I love them

1001
00:50:03,340 --> 00:50:05,565
Fuck! Gmail's down. That guy was right.

1002
00:50:10,996 --> 00:50:13,936
So I wrote that up there

1003
00:50:13,936 --> 00:50:15,778
And then he responded and said

1004
00:50:15,778 --> 00:50:19,553
"Here's a tip, don't use the word seriously

1005
00:50:19,553 --> 00:50:21,260
when you're joking. You want to

1006
00:50:21,260 --> 00:50:23,005
come down to SD and talk that big boy

1007
00:50:23,005 --> 00:50:25,691
talk face to face?"

1008
00:50:25,691 --> 00:50:28,385
I'm assuming SD stands for South Dakota.

1009
00:50:28,385 --> 00:50:29,912
Which doesn't intimidate me

1010
00:50:29,912 --> 00:50:31,845
at all.

1011
00:50:31,845 --> 00:50:33,486
I will go to South Dakota and fuck somebody up.

1012
00:50:33,486 --> 00:50:34,935
Not for real, because I'm small,

1013
00:50:34,935 --> 00:50:41,505
But I'll say shit like that when I'm online.

1014
00:50:41,505 --> 00:50:43,183
So I kinda want to end this argument, so I tell him

1015
00:50:43,183 --> 00:50:45,353
"Look. You're the only one of thousands

1016
00:50:45,353 --> 00:50:46,752
who had this impression of me,

1017
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,509
maybe you should just look up sarcasm

1018
00:50:48,509 --> 00:50:49,629
in the dictionary."

1019
00:50:49,629 --> 00:50:50,513
and he goes:

1020
00:50:50,513 --> 00:50:53,143
"You can't tell sarcasm from text Akbar,

1021
00:50:53,143 --> 00:50:55,000
but nice try."

1022
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:55,699
and I said:

1023
00:50:55,699 --> 00:50:57,273
"Well that's strange! Cause everyone who didn't

1024
00:50:57,273 --> 00:50:58,937
have the veiny shaft of a huge hippo

1025
00:50:58,937 --> 00:51:00,148
cock deep in their throat,

1026
00:51:00,148 --> 00:51:02,839
could, KEITH. Yeah, I called you

1027
00:51:02,839 --> 00:51:05,338
Keith, a random white guy name,

1028
00:51:05,338 --> 00:51:09,401
Just like you cleverly did to me,

1029
00:51:09,401 --> 00:51:11,414
with 'Akbar'. By the way,

1030
00:51:11,414 --> 00:51:12,810
the previous use of the word 'cleverly',

1031
00:51:12,810 --> 00:51:15,189
was SARCASTIC. Could you tell it by

1032
00:51:15,189 --> 00:51:18,887
reading it, you dumb piece of shit?"

1033
00:51:19,276 --> 00:51:20,730
and then he wrote back:

1034
00:51:20,730 --> 00:51:23,286
"Whatever, you jawwah. "

1035
00:51:23,286 --> 00:51:25,140
And I didn't know what that meant.

1036
00:51:25,140 --> 00:51:27,264
I had to look it up!

1037
00:51:27,264 --> 00:51:30,783
That's a sign of terribly ineffective racism.

1038
00:51:30,783 --> 00:51:31,845
You can't say something racist

1039
00:51:31,845 --> 00:51:32,720
to someone and then go "hey,

1040
00:51:32,720 --> 00:51:36,951
what'd you say? Spell that for me.

1041
00:51:36,951 --> 00:51:39,506
I need to look that up."

1042
00:51:39,506 --> 00:51:41,081
It's got to be immediate.

1043
00:51:41,081 --> 00:51:42,694
But I looked it up and apparently "jahwah"

1044
00:51:42,694 --> 00:51:44,837
is some Star Wars character.

1045
00:51:44,837 --> 00:51:46,695
That's like small and wears a hood

1046
00:51:46,695 --> 00:51:47,849
and it's brown, and yellow eyes,

1047
00:51:47,849 --> 00:51:49,589
I don't know, it doesn't offend me.

1048
00:51:49,589 --> 00:51:52,682
But, I love the idea

1049
00:51:52,682 --> 00:51:54,729
of a guy that's really racist,

1050
00:51:54,729 --> 00:51:58,501
and really into Star Wars.

1051
00:51:58,501 --> 00:52:00,483
That is an amazing combination

1052
00:52:00,483 --> 00:52:02,226
I would love to hang out with that dude

1053
00:52:02,226 --> 00:52:04,058
for a while. I would go to the movies

1054
00:52:04,058 --> 00:52:05,955
with him whenever I could

1055
00:52:05,955 --> 00:52:08,425
Because, at one point, I feel like he would

1056
00:52:08,425 --> 00:52:10,288
stand up and he'd say something like

1057
00:52:10,288 --> 00:52:11,698
"Damn it! I can't hear the movie because

1058
00:52:11,698 --> 00:52:13,070
all these Darth Vaders won't shut the

1059
00:52:13,070 --> 00:52:18,972
fuck up!"

1060
00:52:18,972 --> 00:52:23,408
So, at this point, I don't have time for this guy

1061
00:52:23,408 --> 00:52:24,584
I'm a busy guy. I've got

1062
00:52:24,584 --> 00:52:26,584
Joe Pesci research piling up.

1063
00:52:26,584 --> 00:52:28,838
And, I tell him,

1064
00:52:28,838 --> 00:52:31,725
"Look. I don't have time to argue with a guy

1065
00:52:31,725 --> 00:52:34,725
who's integrating racism and Star Wars trivia."

1066
00:52:34,725 --> 00:52:35,547
and he goes:

1067
00:52:35,547 --> 00:52:36,955
"This ceased to be an argument four

1068
00:52:36,955 --> 00:52:38,728
hours ago. I just wanted to see some

1069
00:52:38,728 --> 00:52:40,579
deedless idiot get all worked up

1070
00:52:40,579 --> 00:52:42,796
over his tiny pecker."

1071
00:52:42,796 --> 00:52:43,613
and I said, "well,

1072
00:52:43,613 --> 00:52:45,320
every pecker must seem tiny after

1073
00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:46,629
all the huge hippo cocks you've had

1074
00:52:46,629 --> 00:52:49,209
in your mouth, go suck more of 'em!


1075
00:52:49,209 --> 00:52:51,158
You got a touch of the tar brush!"

1076
00:52:51,158 --> 00:53:00,682
[applause]

1077
00:53:00,682 --> 00:53:03,062
I've had a really fun year this year

1078
00:53:03,062 --> 00:53:05,118
I had a really fun new year's

1079
00:53:05,118 --> 00:53:08,032
But it was also one of the most embarrassing,

1080
00:53:08,032 --> 00:53:09,880
humiliating, terrifying moments of my

1081
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:14,843
recent life. I went to a JZ concert

1082
00:53:14,843 --> 00:53:16,796
in Las Vegas for New Years.

1083
00:53:16,796 --> 00:53:19,210
Which was, yes, is a lot of fun

1084
00:53:19,210 --> 00:53:22,072
and uh, after the show

1085
00:53:22,072 --> 00:53:23,817
they had an afterparty for everyone who went

1086
00:53:23,817 --> 00:53:25,294
to the concert and it was a lot of fun

1087
00:53:25,294 --> 00:53:26,269
and everyone's hanging out

1088
00:53:26,269 --> 00:53:28,662
and then at one point JZ came out

1089
00:53:28,662 --> 00:53:30,836
behind the DJ booth, and was rapping along

1090
00:53:30,836 --> 00:53:32,280
with all the songs, and everyone was going

1091
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:33,587
crazy, and having a good time

1092
00:53:33,587 --> 00:53:36,142
and JZ brought the music down

1093
00:53:36,142 --> 00:53:38,480
and he started talking to the crowd

1094
00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:39,553
and he was like:

1095
00:53:39,553 --> 00:53:40,752
"Hey everybody, just wanted to wish you a

1096
00:53:40,752 --> 00:53:42,868
happy New Year's, it's a really special night

1097
00:53:42,868 --> 00:53:44,326
tonight, we got a lot of great people in the

1098
00:53:44,326 --> 00:53:46,323
building tonight, we got me, JZ, we got

1099
00:53:46,323 --> 00:53:47,784
we got Beyonce in the building,

1100
00:53:47,784 --> 00:53:50,388
we got Rihanna in the building,"

1101
00:53:50,388 --> 00:53:51,487
and I looked at my friend Al and I was like

1102
00:53:51,487 --> 00:53:54,356
"We got Aziz in the building!"

1103
00:53:54,356 --> 00:53:55,000
and then JZ goes

1104
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:57,035
"We got Aziz in the building,"

1105
00:53:57,035 --> 00:53:58,220
and I was like Oh shit!

1106
00:53:58,220 --> 00:54:00,078
I'm in the building! I had

1107
00:54:00,078 --> 00:54:02,069
no idea I was in the building! I've

1108
00:54:02,069 --> 00:54:03,765
never been a part of building announcements

1109
00:54:03,765 --> 00:54:06,092
before! No one's ever excited about me

1110
00:54:06,092 --> 00:54:07,701
being in a building.

1111
00:54:07,701 --> 00:54:09,275
It's never like "Aziz is in the building!"

1112
00:54:09,275 --> 00:54:12,125
It's always like "Ts. Aziz is in the building?

1113
00:54:12,125 --> 00:54:14,920
Let's go to another building.

1114
00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:18,437
This building has got really low standards."

1115
00:54:18,437 --> 00:54:21,963
So he said that I was like oh

1116
00:54:21,963 --> 00:54:22,853
that was nice of him to give me a little

1117
00:54:22,853 --> 00:54:24,190
shoutout or whatever, but

1118
00:54:24,190 --> 00:54:25,638
that's when things got terrible.

1119
00:54:25,638 --> 00:54:26,639
After he said that he goes:

1120
00:54:26,639 --> 00:54:28,542
"Yo Aziz! Come up here and tell everybody

1121
00:54:28,542 --> 00:54:32,899
a joke!" And I was like "Ah no!"

1122
00:54:32,899 --> 00:54:34,464
This is 4 AM on New Year's, I'm out of

1123
00:54:34,464 --> 00:54:35,398
of my head, I'm not in a condition

1124
00:54:35,398 --> 00:54:37,928
to tell jokes. But he keeps pushing it

1125
00:54:37,928 --> 00:54:39,607
He's like "Nah man, come up here and tell

1126
00:54:39,607 --> 00:54:42,393
everybody a New Year's Day joke."

1127
00:54:42,393 --> 00:54:46,827
A "New Year's Day" joke?

1128
00:54:46,827 --> 00:54:49,697
That's a really specific request.

1129
00:54:49,697 --> 00:54:53,372
What...what would that even be.

1130
00:54:53,372 --> 00:54:55,648
What did one bird say to the other bird?

1131
00:54:55,648 --> 00:54:57,344
"Wow this year really flew by!"

1132
00:54:57,344 --> 00:55:03,303
Back to JZ everyone!

1133
00:55:03,303 --> 00:55:04,728
But he kept pushing this, and he would

1134
00:55:04,728 --> 00:55:07,083
not stop. And eventually, I just had to

1135
00:55:07,083 --> 00:55:08,805
go up there. And I'll do my best

1136
00:55:08,805 --> 00:55:10,395
to recreate what happened when I took

1137
00:55:10,395 --> 00:55:13,411
the stage. He passes me the mic.

1138
00:55:13,411 --> 00:55:21,968
"Umm... hello. Okay uh...

1139
00:55:21,968 --> 00:55:25,719
One time um... this restaurant went to my house

1140
00:55:25,719 --> 00:55:28,967
Ahahahah that didn't happen,

1141
00:55:28,967 --> 00:55:31,146
that's not how that one goes...

1142
00:55:31,146 --> 00:55:39,794
[yawn] I'm sleepy. Happy New Year!"

1143
00:55:39,794 --> 00:55:43,843
And I gave the mic back to JZ.

1144
00:55:43,843 --> 00:55:47,422
And the jiggaman was not pleased.

1145
00:55:47,422 --> 00:55:48,620
He grabbed the mic and made this weird

1146
00:55:48,620 --> 00:55:51,830
face. And I was like oh no I let him down,

1147
00:55:51,830 --> 00:55:52,819
I gotta think of something funny,

1148
00:55:52,819 --> 00:55:54,071
so I thought of something funny to say

1149
00:55:54,071 --> 00:55:55,009
and I reached back for the mic,

1150
00:55:55,009 --> 00:55:58,039
and he was like "No! You had your chance

1151
00:55:58,039 --> 00:56:00,267
to be funny, and you missed it!"

1152
00:56:00,267 --> 00:56:01,911
and I was like "Oh no!"

1153
00:56:01,911 --> 00:56:03,761
But I get it. Because JZ is the smoothest

1154
00:56:03,761 --> 00:56:07,052
man of all time. His life operates in

1155
00:56:07,052 --> 00:56:08,772
a different way than mine. He can't

1156
00:56:08,772 --> 00:56:10,721
comprehend the levels of unsmoothness

1157
00:56:10,721 --> 00:56:12,762
that go on with me.

1158
00:56:12,762 --> 00:56:14,586
Like if JZ slipped on a banana peel,

1159
00:56:14,586 --> 00:56:16,135
he would just put his other foot on the

1160
00:56:16,135 --> 00:56:17,927
banana peel and just slide wherever

1161
00:56:17,927 --> 00:56:19,209
he was going.

1162
00:56:19,322 --> 00:56:20,537
"Man, I got here even faster than I

1163
00:56:20,537 --> 00:56:23,847
anticipated! Haha! Thanks, banana peel!"

1164
00:56:23,847 --> 00:56:26,242
My life is the opposite.

1165
00:56:26,242 --> 00:56:28,344
My life is me spilling mustard on my shirt

1166
00:56:28,344 --> 00:56:31,001
all the time. JZ is never going to spill

1167
00:56:31,001 --> 00:56:32,304
mustard on his shirt.

1168
00:56:32,304 --> 00:56:34,189
Even if mustard was about to land on his

1169
00:56:34,189 --> 00:56:35,852
shirt, someone else would coincidentally

1170
00:56:35,852 --> 00:56:37,901
be passing him a hotdog, and the

1171
00:56:37,901 --> 00:56:41,550
mustard would just go "bum, bum bum bum"

1172
00:56:41,550 --> 00:56:42,708
and he grabbed the hotdog and would be like

1173
00:56:42,708 --> 00:56:44,769
"Yo man can I get some mus- Haha!

1174
00:56:44,769 --> 00:56:46,276
you about to take a bite of the world's greatest..."

1175
00:56:46,276 --> 00:56:49,492
[groovy eating sounds]

1176
00:56:50,313 --> 00:56:53,671
[applause]

1177
00:56:54,467 --> 00:56:55,853
Before I leave, I wanted to talk about

1178
00:56:55,853 --> 00:57:02,704
R. Kelly for a second.

1179
00:57:02,704 --> 00:57:04,750
Um, when I was putting together the

1180
00:57:04,750 --> 00:57:06,569
material for this special, I was thinking like,

1181
00:57:06,569 --> 00:57:08,596
I don't need to talk about R. Kelly.

1182
00:57:08,596 --> 00:57:09,821
I've discussed him in the past.

1183
00:57:09,821 --> 00:57:11,780
No reason to talk about him anymore.

1184
00:57:11,780 --> 00:57:13,355
And I wasn't going to do it.

1185
00:57:13,355 --> 00:57:14,669
But here's the problem:

1186
00:57:14,669 --> 00:57:18,933
R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things.

1187
00:57:18,933 --> 00:57:20,595
So I'm conflicted about this

1188
00:57:20,595 --> 00:57:23,950
but this is what R.Kelly's been up to.

1189
00:57:23,950 --> 00:57:27,812
Uh, he put out a song last year called "Echo"

1190
00:57:27,812 --> 00:57:31,096
and in the song, he's talking about hooking

1191
00:57:31,096 --> 00:57:34,893
up with a girl and trying to make her echo.

1192
00:57:34,893 --> 00:57:38,050
That's weird.

1193
00:57:38,050 --> 00:57:40,329
I have never been hooking up with a woman

1194
00:57:40,329 --> 00:57:45,102
and her being like "AZIZ AZIz Aziz Aziz Aziz..."

1195
00:57:45,102 --> 00:57:47,242
Cause I would think "Oh no, I'm hooking up,

1196
00:57:47,242 --> 00:57:51,151
with a ghost!"

1197
00:57:51,151 --> 00:57:53,824
But he put this song out, and I guess what

1198
00:57:53,824 --> 00:57:55,712
happened is there were some R. Kelly fans

1199
00:57:55,712 --> 00:57:57,988
that didn't know what an echo is.

1200
00:57:57,988 --> 00:57:59,475
So what do you do if you're R. Kelly in

1201
00:57:59,475 --> 00:58:00,514
that situation?

1202
00:58:00,514 --> 00:58:01,698
What are you gonna, post a video online

1203
00:58:01,698 --> 00:58:03,181
defining the word echo?

1204
00:58:03,181 --> 00:58:05,204
YES.

1205
00:58:05,204 --> 00:58:07,045
That's exactly what he did.

1206
00:58:07,045 --> 00:58:09,312
And the video went like this.

1207
00:58:09,312 --> 00:58:10,461
He comes on the screen and he's like

1208
00:58:10,461 --> 00:58:12,166
"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know what

1209
00:58:12,166 --> 00:58:14,620
an echo is. Now an echo is just basically

1210
00:58:14,909 --> 00:58:16,316
like you know when you standing

1211
00:58:16,316 --> 00:58:17,273
on top of a mountain and you go

1212
00:58:17,273 --> 00:58:21,342
"Hello!" and you hear "hello hello hello..."

1213
00:58:21,342 --> 00:58:23,225
That's an echo.

1214
00:58:23,225 --> 00:58:25,257
End of video.

1215
00:58:27,108 --> 00:58:28,386
Then I said, uh,

1216
00:58:28,386 --> 00:58:29,908
that's the most amazing thing I've seen

1217
00:58:29,908 --> 00:58:31,488
in quite a while.

1218
00:58:31,488 --> 00:58:32,943
How do we get R. Kelly in touch

1219
00:58:32,943 --> 00:58:34,198
with the Merriam Webster people

1220
00:58:34,198 --> 00:58:35,639
in order to start funding for the online

1221
00:58:35,639 --> 00:58:40,359
R. Kelly video dictionary.

1222
00:58:40,359 --> 00:58:41,883
That's gotta happen, at some point,

1223
00:58:41,883 --> 00:58:43,790
in our lifetime.

1224
00:58:43,790 --> 00:58:44,595
Wouldn't that be amazing?

1225
00:58:44,595 --> 00:58:46,406
Type in any word. CheeseBurger.

1226
00:58:46,406 --> 00:58:47,918
"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know

1227
00:58:47,918 --> 00:58:50,064
what a cheeseburger is. You know

1228
00:58:50,064 --> 00:58:51,213
when you go to McDonalds and you

1229
00:58:51,213 --> 00:58:52,523
order a cheeseburger?

1230
00:58:52,619 --> 00:58:54,616
That's a cheeseburger."

1231
00:58:55,194 --> 00:58:59,099
See also: related words:

1232
00:58:59,099 --> 00:59:00,239
"Veggie Burger":

1233
00:59:00,239 --> 00:59:01,672
"You know when you get a cheeseburger and

1234
00:59:01,672 --> 00:59:02,531
it tastes funny?

1235
00:59:02,531 --> 00:59:05,986
That's a veggie burger.

1236
00:59:05,986 --> 00:59:07,315
Or uh..." Juice Box".

1237
00:59:07,315 --> 00:59:08,383
"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know

1238
00:59:08,383 --> 00:59:10,966
what a juice box is. Uh, you know when you

1239
00:59:10,966 --> 00:59:12,137
making love to a woman and you holding

1240
00:59:12,137 --> 00:59:13,324
on to her booty and you like oh my god

1241
00:59:13,324 --> 00:59:14,943
this is the most amazing booty I've ever

1242
00:59:14,943 --> 00:59:16,161
held onto in my life, I cannot let go of this

1243
00:59:16,161 --> 00:59:18,920
booty for whatever reason, I cannot let go

1244
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:20,948
But you get really thirsty, that's when you

1245
00:59:20,948 --> 00:59:23,226
can reach for your juicebox."

1246
00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:25,690
[straw sounds]

1247
00:59:28,050 --> 00:59:30,124
Or uh, "ATM machine"

1248
00:59:30,124 --> 00:59:31,307
"Alright y'all, some of y'all don't know what

1249
00:59:31,307 --> 00:59:34,710
an ATM is. You know uh, an ATM machine,

1250
00:59:34,710 --> 00:59:37,765
is a machine where you put a card in,

1251
00:59:37,765 --> 00:59:38,821
and you get money out, and you get your

1252
00:59:38,821 --> 00:59:40,549
money out, and you can leave.

1253
00:59:40,549 --> 00:59:41,397
Or if you got a girl with you

1254
00:59:41,397 --> 00:59:42,672
you can put her up against the ATM machine

1255
00:59:42,672 --> 00:59:46,105
and just gri-i-i-i-i-i-i-nd.

1256
00:59:46,105 --> 00:59:50,182
(singing) She's got her hands on your thing

1257
00:59:50,182 --> 00:59:51,767
You've got your hands on her titties

1258
00:59:51,767 --> 00:59:53,650
you about to make love to this

1259
00:59:53,650 --> 00:59:55,142
itty-bitty. Ya'll are

1260
00:59:55,142 --> 00:59:56,507
fucking by the ATM

1261
00:59:56,507 --> 00:59:57,791
fucking by the ATM

1262
00:59:57,791 --> 01:00:01,688
fucking by the ATMMMMMMM

1263
01:00:05,369 --> 01:00:08,207
Withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit

1264
01:00:08,207 --> 01:00:12,408
withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit

1265
01:00:12,408 --> 01:00:16,085
Damn girl I need additional funds

1266
01:00:16,085 --> 01:00:16,921
And that's an ATM.

1267
01:00:17,289 --> 01:00:19,153
Thank you guys so much!

1268
01:00:19,153 --> 01:00:21,076
Thank you very very much!

1269
01:00:21,076 --> 01:00:23,081
Thank you so much for coming out!

1270
01:00:23,081 --> 01:00:25,027
You're a fantastic audience!

1271
01:00:25,027 --> 01:00:27,229
Good night, Thank you!

1272
01:00:27,229 --> 01:00:33,288
[applause]