WEBVTT 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jazz music] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] Thank you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Alright. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Washington, D.C. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much for coming out to the taping 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for my second stand-up special. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] Very excited to be here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Uh... Before we start the show, I know there's probably 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that's just because obviously we're taping this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to focus on the performance. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what I've realized is that, uh, people don't give a shit, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that come to these shows. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I mean, look how many people are here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some of you are shitty people. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no question. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If we met in any other context besides you paying me money 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of you I would hate with a passion. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No question about it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really hate some of you a lot. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So what I thought we could do as a compromise-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 right now, before I start the show, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I understand people like photos and stuff, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so right now, before we start the show, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you can take as many photos as you want, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then after that, we'll have a great show, okay? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) (cheering) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So here we go, if you want to snap a photo 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 go for it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and chuckling) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some fake joke where I need to go through 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a crawl space. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's act like uh, let's act like an 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 incident happened with a audience member. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 about something? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and applause) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So... you can show that photo to people and tell 'em 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah at one point in the show this guy just stood up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and was like whites are the superior race" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool, sir, you need to sit down." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All right, cool, everybody good with photos and everything? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much for coming out I really appreciate you coming out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I live, uh - I live in New York right now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [audience cheers] And--yes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I'm single right now, and-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (audience cheers) Oh, shut up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You don't mean that shit. (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And whenever I go out to bars there, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have this one friend of mine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He's one of these guys he's like, "Aw, man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Any cute girl you see, just say something, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 anything, it doesn't matter what. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why do I want to deal with that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 - Hi how are you? - Fuck you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All right. I'll see you later. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll go talk to my friend Brian. He's always nice to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but that is how it feels sometimes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she had a cool purse on her shoulder. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "Thank you," 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and we started talking, and she seemed nice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then at one point, her friend comes over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and when the girl's friend comes over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag," 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and rolled her eyes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No reason to do that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was just being nice," right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I said to myself right there, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Whenever I leave this conversation, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And... I really like her bag." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, at one point, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we're sitting there talking, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey what's that over there?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then I stole her purse. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That bag's mine now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I never know what to say to girls in situations like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's always so awkward. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was having lunch with a friend of mine once, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I told him, "Hey, there's this one girl 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that works in this restaurant. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's so cute, but I don't know what to say to her 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is go over there and be honest with her for a minute." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Really? That's all I gotta do? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I just need to walk over-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Excuse me, miss. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just need to be real honest with you for a minute. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy into your reality." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm not sure that would work out too well. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 People always give you the same dumb advice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in situations like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They'll say things like, "Oh just leave her a big tip." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How does that work? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just walk over-- "Yes, can I get a muffin, please? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Here's $100. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I think you know what that means. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm willing to have sex with you for the price of $98." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was doing that joke one night, and this guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in the audience just yells, "Just tell her you're on TV." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Excuse me, miss. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm on TV. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (clears throat) ... I said... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm on TV. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 where you start sucking my dick 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just walk into bars "What's up everybody? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Just so you know someone that's appeared on television is here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So if you're interested in giving me a handjob in the restroom let's line up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to the left." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No. That's not how it works at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How it works is I walk into a bar and 5 dudes are like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw on that thing! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't believe you're here 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You've gotta take a photo with me and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 though, we gotta drive there now." That doesn't sound safe. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was in a relationship for a few years and I think 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 while I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to text. You can't call anybody anymore. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You call someone and they're like "What? Are you on fire? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Quit wasting my time, text me that shit." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't like texting people. Especially girls because there's always 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 miscommunication that happens. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This is a situation I get into all the time. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll text a girl, she texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I text her right away. She texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I text her back right away, She texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I text her back right away She texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then I'll say something like "Alright cool, so you want to get pizza-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 on Tuesday?" And then I don't hear anything. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I'm like "What just happened? I know you read that shit. You responded-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to 20 other things I just sent. What do you not like me anymore? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You don't have two seconds to say 'yes I want to get pizza?' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What did you chuck your phone into a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a few hours? What's the deal? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And after a few hours of no response I get real upset. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I just want to send a text that says something like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Well guess who just got invited to the pizza party? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You didn't 'cus I hate you now." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Girl always writes something back "Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we had to turn off our phones." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Whatever we're done. I finished that pizza hours ago. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm up with my friend Brian and he's nice to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I went out with this girl in LA a few times. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She was really nice and last time I was in LA, I called her up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And asked her out to dinner and she's like "Yeah, sure" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then 2 hours before our date she calls me up and she goes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now is that a problem?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest problem we could have. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why would I go out with you if you kinda have a boyfriend now?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets to this carnival but you can't ride-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 any rides, is that a problem? Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 those rides, that's the whole point of me going to the carnival. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These tickets you gave me are useless. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of Amazon but I shipped it to my friend 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah that's a problem, that's not my address! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't have Lisa's contact info and now she makes your paninis, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really want one. What's the best case scenario? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We go out on this amazing dinner date, have a fantastic time, come back to my-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 place. She's like "Aziz I had a really time at dinner tonight and I wanna give 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my boyfriend's penis instead of yours. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Is that a problem?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're gonna suck your boyfriend's dick-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at my house. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's always kinda depressing to me when I talk to girls who have boyfriends. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because when you ask then how they met their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was doing volunteer work and one day he said 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 something nice to me and gave me a flower and we started going out." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No. It's always a story like "I was at the club and this guy came up to me and 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was like 'I've been staring at your ass all night. Is it cool if I take you out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why would you say yes to that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'I don't know what's the worst that could happen?' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's the worst that could happen? He could put something in your drink 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and rape you, that's the worst that could happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He could murder you and use your legs to make stilts that look like legs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Another thing that could happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But that's my problem is that I think too much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Go to a bar and watch people, you see two different types of guys. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's one type of guy, that's a guy like me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin to each other 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's just talk to each other tonight Brian.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then, there's a second type of dude: The dumb dudes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They're at the bar, they don't care about anything. They're like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ubleeeeheeeeheee, I'll sing anything to anybody. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ublaaaagagaaaagaga." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then they go up to some girl and they're like "Psexcuse me, excuse me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ah, I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 day I'd be able to put my hands on your titties. My name's Kevin." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my boyfriend for 3 years?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I don't know, is it okay if I'm really shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I want?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah, that's fine. I'll never break up with you." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then they leave together. Meanwhile... I finally get up my courage: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Uh, that's a nice jacket." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Get the fuck outta my face." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then some Indian dude that recognizes me from the tv 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 will invite me back to his dorm to play video games. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tell me if this ever happens to you guys. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You ever at a party and you're talking to a guy and you think "Wow, this guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met maybe all year, what a dumb person 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I cannot wait to get outta this conversation with this dumb person" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they say something like "Yeah and I got two kids, " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo. You can't have two kids you're so stupid. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What are you doing raising kids? You're so dumb! You're raising murderers." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This happens to me all the time. It's so terrifying. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was talking to a dude at a party who is 26 years old, had a three year old son. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" And then a few minutes later 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I overheard him telling a group of people the story about how a week earlier he'd 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are over. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And he's sitting here telling people this story. And he's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah and then I put the condom on" and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick ." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As if that were a totally reasonable thing to say. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As if I were the weird one for even bringing up the question. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I told him, " You don' understand in this situation, putting the condom on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 makes everything way worse." 'Cus that means the whole time he went to go find a 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 box of condoms, open the box of condoms, take the condom out, open the condom 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go back to the macaroni. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That whole time he never once thought, "You know what, maybe I don't need to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe I could do literally anything else and it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would be a better use of my time. " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How are you gonna do something like that when you have a kid? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What if his kid saw that? He'd never be able to tell that kid anything. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey be nice to be people, do good in school." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Sooo why would I take your-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 advice? By the way I'm three years old, my language skills are very impressive, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe I should just ride this shit out on my own." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (crowd cheering) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have, uh, internet access right now. 'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sure some of you guys are online as well. And I like the internet, but it's really 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 annoying sometimes. Like does this situation happen to you? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're sitting at your computer, working on something really important. And you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I gotta look into this now. Sorry, important work, something more pressing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 has come up. I do stuff like that all the time. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And what's so annoying is that once I start looking into one thing, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll see something else I want to research. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For example, In the Home Alone situation. Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, I don't know much about Joe Pesci. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all this Joe Pesci research. And now I know so much about Joe Pesci. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But it's useless information, It's never going to help me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I never heard of a situation where a guy been in an alley doing the knife, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You're gonna die tonight unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 put out when he was a little kid." "Little Joe sure can sing." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Damnit, you're free to go. How come so many people know that? I need to stop 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders. People know more about him than 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I anticipated." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I always waste time like that. The other night I was up late, I remember 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I've never seen any of those Saw movies before. They're not supposed to be 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 particularly good movies. But my friend told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy." And I love twists at the end of movies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw ending' and sure enough the clip comes up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz you didn't see the rest of the movie, the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 clip won't make sense." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 plot summary and when I got to the last paragraph, I stopped. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then I went back and watched that video. And let me tell you I did not see that-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 coming." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Someone recently sent me a password to one of those online porn sites. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the password worked. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't know if anyone here's ever had membership access 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to any of those sites, but it is incredible. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If you're kind of on the fence, like, "i don't know, it just doesn't 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 seem like it would be worth it to spend--" do it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, the trend in these sites is they try to make it seem 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like this stuff all really happened. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like this is real life. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These aren't actors, this stuff really happened. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So they have dumb names like "RealLifeDickParty.com" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the videos are all the same. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These guys go up to some girls, they're like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "excuse me, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the girls are always like "Yeah!" and they get in their car, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they drive back to the house, they have sex, they film it, and it goes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 RealLifeDickParty.com! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Does anyone think those clips are real? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If they want people to think it's real, every now and then, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they should have a clip where some guys go up to some girls, like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "excuse me, uh, you girls want to come back to our place 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and have a dick party?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the girl's like, "what? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's disgusting! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Get out of here you asshole!" - RealLifeDickParty.com! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 then you're at home like, "man, I guess it is real. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those girls didn't want to have a dick party at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They just continued on " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 now, the first video I watched on the site, these guys go 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 into a doughnut shop, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they're talking to the girls in the doughnut shop, they're like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "hey, so, what do you think of us maybe giving you some money, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then we can hook up in the back of the donut shop" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the girl's like, "Ok that sounds good!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she was not a very good actress. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So they go in the back, and they start hooking up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So there's a guy hooking up with a girl in the back 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of a doughnut shop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, this guy eventually does what any reasonable person 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would do in that situation, and he puts a doughnut around his dick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, the woman is performing fellatio-type services, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and she's getting dangerously close to this doughnut. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then at one point, she just takes a bite of the doughnut. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't know why, but as soon as that happened, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just went, "whoa, that was awesome! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What an amazing choice by that actress! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I wonder if that was improvised, like the doughnut was just there, .. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [chomps] .. And the director is just [mouthing] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what does that say about me as a person that I got so excited? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I guess I just like food too much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's a good thing I don't write the scripts for those videos. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My script would be like, "all right, so, you pick this girl up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in los angeles, and you drop her off at this restaurant called animal, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the rabbit legs, and the strawberry pound cake. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they bring her everything, and she's like, 'oh, my god, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this looks so good' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And she eats everything. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's not a bite left. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe the best meal I've had all year. - RealLifeDickParty.com! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you know what's weird about that doughnut video is, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they filmed it in a real doughnut shop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Which means they had to pay a doughnut shop owner 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to use that as a location. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I guess if you're a doughnut shop owner, the risk is pretty low. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What are the chances of someone at home watching the video and going, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "oh, no, that's where I get my doughnuts from! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's what goes on back there? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just thought they were putting chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but that's got to be happening to some dude. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They film all these videos in the same town, I imagine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's gotta be some dude waking up every morning like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "oh, no, not the bank too! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was supposed to make a deposit today! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And there's jizz everywhere!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I always thought the best thing that could happen in the doughnut video 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, and then she just starts walking away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the guy's like, "Hey where are you going?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and she's like, "i wasn't trying to suck your dick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just wanted a bite of that doughnut. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That looked delicious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Bob's doughnuts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The best doughnuts in town. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We won't make you suck a dick for years" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was doing a show one night, and they had a woman signing my entire act 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to the left of the stage, and whenever I got to that punch line 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 STOP 21:05 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 where I said "Jizz everywhere!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she went like this. And.. It was amazing. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said Jizz everywhere a few more times just to make sure 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I understood what was going on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Coz that had to be an on-the-fly sign for "Jizz everywhere" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's like "Ok.. There's jizz Oh.. oh It's everywhere" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Coz everywhere can't be like [Nasal Eeeehhhhh] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You'd look crazy; Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, I'm new in town. Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh, those are everywhere! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's gotta be custom for 'jizz' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jizz everywhere, the sealing the carpet the walls the plates 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the tupperware the television, I don't know what 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 happened but it's everywhere and I'm really 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sorry about it. Also know that jizz is just (silly sound) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that's jizz. (mimics sound) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No more thought went into that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Guys up late developing sign language, uhh, guys I'm 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 really tired, can we pick up tomorrow. I'm really beat 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really need some sleep. A few more words? Fine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'What if it's everywhere?' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's Jizz everywhere! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How come I get all the dirty words? Brian got puppy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I got jizz everywhere? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the only reason I bring this up is, you know 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it can be days from now, weeks from now 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 months from now, years from now, but one day 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 one of you guys could be walking around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and see a Deaf person about to walk into 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a room where there's jizz everywhere 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you'd be like (signs) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they'll be like (signs) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they'll head somewhere else, free of jizz. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm from South Carolina and. thank you. and whenever 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I tell people that they're always like "(gasp) oh no. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but it's so racist there, (whispers) and your skin is brown" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "how did you survive?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 pretty racist, more racist than other parts of the country. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what these people forget is that the food there 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina it's 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 kind of like "oh that guy just say the N-word? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, never mind" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "nom nom nom nom nom nom" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if right now, some dude stood up and was like "hey 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 afterwards I'm going to give you a biscuit." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'd be like "that's a weird deal, but I'll take it" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Cause I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 everywhere. I have a friend in LA, he's Korean right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And he got locked out of his appartment. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So he called a locksmith, ok? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the locksmith is getting all his info 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so this locksmith does no business with Korean American. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 have to call him before economically he couldn't afford 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be that racist? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like, what if Korean people just kept calling? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 have made five thousand dollars yesterday 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if I didn't hate Korean people. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 America. They can't even find their keys." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But then weirdly, that steriotype would get 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 integrated into his racism. Like he would see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "ha! There's something you don't see everyday" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Korean dude actually had his keys for once" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "na na na na na na na, they're in your house." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No one was lost. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How are racist things like that so ubiquitous? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At one point do our parents sit us down 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 people is 'ching chong, bing bong'" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Don't ever say it to them" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Well if they say something racist to you, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know. I gotta get out of here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't touch that macaroni" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and see if I could learn anything, and I found 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a very interesting article. It was titled 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'list of every ethnic slur' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and if it's cool with you guys, I would now 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like to share a few of my favorites. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So they're offensive. They're offensive by their 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you're offended, there's no reason to be like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "ahhhwwwoooo" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because we all know they're offensive. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So instead you can shut your fucking mouth. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At the same time though 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At the same time, I don't want to do this 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 bit and look at the audience and see some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 caucasian ancestry with real or suspected 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 distent Asian or African ancestry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, this is a pretty specific situation 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in your predominantly Caucasian face?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some of the racial slurs, uh 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 contained other racial slurs within themselves 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to me. For example, there was one for Native American 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Whenever I hear that, I imagine this synario 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some guy's talking to a Native American dude 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Get out of here prairie N-word" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some black guy's like "what'd you say?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Step off" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you say that to?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Anyone have a guess on that one? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Christ killer. Who would you say that to? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Christ killer, killer of Christ. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Did someone say Jewish people? No! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who hate Asians so much, they blame them 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for the death of Christ. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Christ killer" "But I'm Asian" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I know. Why do you think God created locks?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what I learned reading that list though 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is that I think you can make anything sound 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Quit laughing kitkat! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See? That started to sound real racist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Aziz must be emplying that he's brown on the outside, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wafer like on the inside. [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 were at one point the biggest band in the world. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Preforming at arinas and stuff. But at the same time they 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all the time. My body could just not take anything like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and fell off a building" [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They have all these insane stories about girls. Like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Was a motley crew guy just running around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I going to do? What am I going to do? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 soap and water? No! That won't work! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why? I don't know!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That story is the quintessential difference between 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a comedy tour, and a rock tour. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 off my dick" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I like touring, the only thing I don't like is the actual 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 travel itself. Because people can be so rude when you're 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 traveling. The rudest person I ever met in my entire life is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the eastern European customs lady at the Turanto airport. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's that lady's problem? Why's she gotta be so rude? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Customs people are the first people you meet when you go to a new country. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They should be nice, welcoming. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "what you are doing here?! [shouting]" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like "you know, like, filming a movie" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She goes "I know what it means filming movie. I mean 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 are you doing the lights? Are you acting? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Are you directing? I could do without your sarcasm." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like, "Why are you being so mean? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said something and you went 'what it mean shooting movie.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and I'm trying to explane things to you." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm stunned you know what the word sarcams means 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 your English is slightly better than Animal from the Muppet Babies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And you're yelling at me like a psychopath. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I got my stamp and I walked on. But I kind of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wish I had forgotten the stamp and turned around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and was like "Guess what?! I lied!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then pulled out a DVD of Jurassic Park and a 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hand gun, and was like "this is what I mean shooting movie" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Bang bang bang bang bang" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Passengers can also be rude to you also. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was flying home once and I was sitting next 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to this couple. They had these two puppies, that they put 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 under the seats infront of us. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, there was an older couple sitting there 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they said "Hey, you guys mind moving the puppies 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 over a little bit so we can put our jackets under there?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the lady with the puppies is like, "um, no! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We have two puppies, they need all the room. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like, "Whoa. Why'd you need 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be so rude about that?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then she started talking to her husband. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's like, "Ugh, can you believe those people, asking us 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to move the puppies for their jackets? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What kind of nerve they have! Who do they think they are?!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like, "I fucking hate this lady." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I started chiming in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like, "Yeah, I heard that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I couldn't believe they'd ask something like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those people are awful! Those people are terrible! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those people deserve to be murdered." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I didn't say another word the whole flight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then the flight lands. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the old couple gets up, they leave the plane. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The young couple's about to get up, but I hold them down and I go, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "No, no. I got this." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I step over them and I start following the old people, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The young couple's behind me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We get outside the airport, I pull out the gun 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that I have from the previous joke-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Loaded two bullets. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I aim it at the old people, but then I spin around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I aim it at the puppies. BANG! BANG! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I shoot both those puppies in the face. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I go, "Never be rude to the elderly again! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Have fun burying your dead puppies." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and applause) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know what some of you are thinking. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh no, why the puppies get shot?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The puppies didn't do anything." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I didn't really shoot any puppies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You were being stupid. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have met some really interesting people on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 tour. One of my favorite people that I've met 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was this gentleman who once picked 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 me up from the airport and drove me to the venue. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was talking to this guy, and 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like "What did you do before you were 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 out of all the people you've body guarded for 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who was the toughest person to do security for? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who had the craziest fans?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cheer" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Craziest fans. Pauly Shore" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 can you leave Pauly Shore along? Thanks." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then I asked him "What did you do 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 before you were a celebrity body guard?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour buss." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said, "How was that?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He goes "Not fun" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said "Why?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That was not what I was expecting him to say. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And he told me the story. And basically, any time 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he was driving the buss, at one point, one of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Madonna's dancers would just 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 his shoulder and this happened so many times 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he had to quit his job and get into a new profession. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I guess that would make you quit any job. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You could be a lawyer, and people'd go 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And every time I presented a case, he put his dick 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I work at Quizno's" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for three hours a day. If at some point, another 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 fuck is this? I never signed up for that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 signed man. The language is very specific. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and toes now. We have a deal. You know what? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's fine. If this is how you guys run things 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 need this shit" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and clapping) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to update you on one of my favorite people in the world. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And that's my chubby little cousin Harris. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 what he's been up to. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Uhhhh, Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 check up on him regurlary on his facebook page and 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 read his status uptates. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He recently had a quote up there. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the quote said, "life's a dirty game 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's not from season four of The Wire. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 tole me his favorite food is hot pockets. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you've gotta play dirty to win it." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When has Harris played dirty in life? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I can only think of one instance, it's when 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he's playing Halo, because as soon as the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 board starts, he always knows where the rocket 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 launchers are and he grabs them and starts 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with him anymore. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now I'm sure there's some people here 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that have never played Halo, and that doesn't 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 make any sense, so I will give you an analogy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Okay? It would be as if you were playing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and landed on park place. And then Harris 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 came in with a rocket launcher and blew 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 everybody up. (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Last time I spoke with Harris, I said 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "What's been going on?" and he said 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I'm applying for college, is there any way 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you can help me with my college essays?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is going to be insane. So I can read it to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 people in public and it'll help me with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 my job." (laughter and cheering) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I brought along a copy of his essay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And this is 100% real. The essay is titled, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'All the Small Things' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Take the thumb, even though it is just 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 another finger it is the most essential. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It controls everything from eating and drinking 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to writing. Interestingly enough I have found 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 many things in life to be the same way." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Already the essay makes no sense. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When's the last time something interesting 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in your life happened, and you thought 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'this reminds me of my thumb'? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Never. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He goes on, "It's always the simple things 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that have the greatest impact. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The splitting of an atom caused the death 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 With the simple notion of vending machines 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 things are comperible. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 200,000 people are dead! And you can rent 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Mrs. Doubtfire at the grocery store now. (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He goes on to describe a particurlarly 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 interesting summer where he volunteered at 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a local hospital. This is how he described 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that experience. "I was a human wheelbarrow" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And let me tell you, it sucked. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can't say "it sucked" in a college essay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When you use language like that, you know what "it sucks" means? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're referring to sucking dick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So what Harris just said is like, uh, "hey, university, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you know what volunteering and helping people reminded me of? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Putting a penis in my mouth and sucking it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 till it comes in my chubby little cheeks. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Later on, he talks about a particularly crazy day at the hospital. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "A week after I started, the incident occurred. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When I set foot in the hospital that day, it was more crowded than ever. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There weren't any nurses asking me if I want cookies" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that's his gauge of how crazy things are at the hospital? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Why isn't anyone asking me if I want cookies? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but what happened that day was Harris ended up meeting a gentleman 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who was illiterate, and he'd never met anyone illiterate before, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and this really affected him. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He described how he felt when he drove home that day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I remembered thinking how bizarre it was that someone could not read. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What if I couldn't read? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 from Red Lobster. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 these are the things that come to harris' mind when he imagines 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a world where he can't read. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 First of all, you could easily do both those things if you couldn't read. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't think illiterate people see movie posters and numbers 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and are like, "no clue what that means. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Can't pieсe that together". 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 now, the red lobster thing is weird also, 'cause I don't know how many 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of you all have been to red lobster, but if you've been there, you know 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 no one orders the cheese biscuits; those are complimentary. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They just sit 'em down at your table as soon as you get there. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So what's harris talking about? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm guessing this is what happens. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He finishes his biscuits, and he sees on the menu it says, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "if you finish your biscuits, feel free to order more" he's like, "whew! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank god I can read. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 More biscuits please!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so I told him, I said, "Harris, you can't send this essay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's too crazy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me do a rewrite." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I did a rewrite, which he rejected, but I will share with you now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I once volunteered at a hospital. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It sucked dick, but I did get to eat free cookies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And let me tell you, I will suck dick for cookies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One day, I met a man who was illiterate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It really affected me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It made me realize the world is full of great tragedies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 9/11, The time I overcooked that hot pocket, and here, this man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He couldn't read. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How would he find a box of bagel bites at the grocery store? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if he found the box of bagel bites, how would he read 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the directions to cook the bagel bites? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I ate six of 'em one day, and it was disgusting. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My name is Harris. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I hope you consider accepting me into your university. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 By the way, during registration, will there be free cookies, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or will I need to suck someone's dick? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Life's a dirty game. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You gotta play dirty to win it" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I used to kid Harris for being chubby, but he's actually not chubby anymore. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He had a growth spurt, and he stretched out. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He's fine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But a few months ago, I was actually worried that I was getting chubby. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I saw a photo of me on the internet, and in the comments, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 someone wrote, "whoa! Who ate Aziz Ansari?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If someone ate me, they wouldn't assume my form all of a sudden. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Why do you look like that g--" - I just ate him! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but the person was right. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I gained 12 pounds. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I started exercising at the gym, lost the weight right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I didn't always like the stuff the people at the gym would tell me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They would say things like, "hey, Aziz, you see this new study on yahoo news? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It says any food you would have to eat after 11:00 goes straight 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to your belly you should cut out those late night snacks. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I would always want to say, "oh, really? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's this other study I heard about that says, uh, if you have a lot of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 alcohol in your system and you eat a quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's delicious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I did that study last night. Twice." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] But I love food. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I love going out to eat at restaurants and stuff. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's really something I like a lot. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was eating at one of my favorite restaurants in New York not too long ago, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I was having dinner with a friend, and he's like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "aziz, what have you been up to?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I said, "shut up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need to hear everything he says" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And 50 cent did not disappoint. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 50 Cent the rapper ordered a grapefruit soda. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then 50 cent said the greatest thing anyone could ever say 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when they see a grapefruit soda. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He looks at the waiter, and he goes, "Why isn't this purple?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it took me a few seconds, and then I realized, "oh, my god. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Excuse me, everybody in the restaurant, shut up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A waiter's about to explain to a grown man what a grapefruit is." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you realize how amazing this is? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There are parents that aren't there when their children 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 learns what a grapefruit is. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I am there for that moment in rapper 50 cent's life. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This guy leaves the restaurant, he's gonna know about a new fruit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the exchange was just glorious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The waiter struggling to explain the concept of a grapefruit to a man 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who just didn't get it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He was like, "no, you don't understand. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They're two different things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Grape, grapefruit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Grape, grapefruit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I know grapes are fruits. Why do you keep saying it like that?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 no, it's just one word. Grapefruit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you know, it's just one-- it's a different--" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit, orange-fruit, carrot-vegetable. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No that's not it at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And it just blew my mind. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How does 50 cent not know what a grapefruit is? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This guy's been rich for so long. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He has to run into a grapefruit every now and then. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I do okay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I see grapefruits every fucking day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What happens when he sees a grapefruit? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Is he just like: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "What's up with those oranges? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They're all red and shit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they're big as fuck! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They're looking at me weird! Shot those niggas! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [imitates gunfire] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When you do this kind of work, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a lot of people write stuff 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 about you on the internet 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and sometimes people write mean things 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the smart thing to do is just ignore that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But sometimes I would argue with people 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because, I like arguing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 yeah, every now and then but 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I recently put an end to all of it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I wanted to share with you guys what happened 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the last time I got into an argument online. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It started when my email wasn't working. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so I went on my website 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I wrote, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "If Gmail even messes up a little bit, I get upset 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's a little unreasonable, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but seriously, send my email, Gmail!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then a guy writes back and says: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Dude. You're complaining about 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a free email service? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe use some of your hollywood money 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to buy a real email account. TURD" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Which seemed a little aggressive. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I wrote him back and said: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, man, I was joking, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and even said it's unreasonable. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So go fuck a bucket of dogshit!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then he goes: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh sorry, didn't mean to suggest you should 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 use a little of that money you have 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 instead of crying like a bitch." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At this point, I decided to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 take things up a notch. I said: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I hope four hippopotamuses force you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to blow them and they all cum on your face 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 simultaneously, and you choke on hippo cum 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and DIE." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Cause that will probably be a pretty rough way to go... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Imagine you're just at your house, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just like making eggs or something, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ding Dong! Oh, a hippo was here, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 four hippos, what do you guys need? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the hippos are just like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Suck our DICKS." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even logistically, this is going to be rough. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I mean you got four hippos lined up in your house 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you gotta blow them at the same time 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "uhhh uh uhhh uhhhh" [blowing hippo sounds] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then eventually the hippos are like: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "We're about to cuuuuum!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because that's what talking hippos do in that 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 situation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then it starts 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [blasting sounds] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he's like "ah, oh no, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 oh no, oh no, I'm choking, I'm not going to make it, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I need to email my family and tell 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 them I love them 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Fuck! Gmail's down. That guy was right. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I wrote that up there 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then he responded and said 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Here's a tip, don't use the word seriously 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when you're joking. You want to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 come down to SD and talk that big boy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 talk face to face?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm assuming SD stands for South Dakota. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Which doesn't intimidate me 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will go to South Dakota and fuck somebody up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Not for real, because I'm small, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I'll say shit like that when I'm online. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I kinda want to end this argument, so I tell him 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Look. You're the only one of thousands 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who had this impression of me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 maybe you should just look up sarcasm 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in the dictionary." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he goes: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You can't tell sarcasm from text Akbar, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but nice try." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I said: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Well that's strange! Cause everyone who didn't 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 have the veiny shaft of a huge hippo 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 cock deep in their throat, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 could, KEITH. Yeah, I called you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Keith, a random white guy name, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Just like you cleverly did to me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with 'Akbar'. By the way, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the previous use of the word 'cleverly', 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was SARCASTIC. Could you tell it by 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 reading it, you dumbshit?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then he wrote back: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Whatever, you jawwah. " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I didn't know what that meant. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I had to look it up! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's a sign of terribly ineffective racism. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can't say something racist 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to someone and then go "hey, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 what'd you say? Spell that for me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I need to look that up." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's got to be immediate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I looked it up and apparently "jahwah" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is some Star Wars character. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's like small and wears a hood 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it's brown, and yellow eyes, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know, it doesn't offend me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, I love the idea 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of a guy that's really racist, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and really into Star Wars. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That is an amazing combination 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I would love to hang out with that dude 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for a while. I would go to the movies 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with him whenever I could 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because, at one point, I feel like he would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 stand up and he'd say something like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Damn it! I can't hear the movie because 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all these Darth Vaders won't shut the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 fuck up!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, at this point, I don't have time for this guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm a busy guy. I've got 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Joe Pesci research piling up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, I tell him, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Look. I don't have time to argue with a guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who's integrating racism and Star Wars trivia." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he goes: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "This ceased to be an argument four 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hours ago. I just wanted to see some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 deedless idiot get all worked up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 over his tiny pecker." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I said, "well, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 every pecker must seem tiny after 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all the huge hippo cocks you've had 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in your mouth,