[Jazz music]
[cheers and applause] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Alright.
Washington, D.C.
Thank you so much for coming out to the taping
for my second stand-up special.
[cheers and applause] Very excited to be here.
Uh... Before we start the show, I know there's probably
some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature,
and that's just because obviously we're taping this.
And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos,
and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights,
and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying
to focus on the performance.
But what I've realized is that, uh, people don't give a shit,
and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people
that come to these shows.
I mean, look how many people are here.
Some of you are shitty people.
There's no question.
If we met in any other context besides you paying me money
to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some
of you I would hate with a passion.
No question about it.
I really hate some of you a lot.
So what I thought we could do as a compromise--
right now, before I start the show,
I understand people like photos and stuff,
so right now, before we start the show,
I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke,
and you can take as many photos as you want,
and then after that, we'll have a great show, okay?
(laughter) (cheering)
So here we go, if you want to snap a photo
go for it.
(laughter)
(laughter and chuckling)
Some fake joke where I need to go through
a crawl space.
Let's act like uh, let's act like an
incident happened with a audience member.
Like sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me--
about something?
(laughter and applause)
So... you can show that photo to people and tell 'em
"Yeah at one point in the show this guy just stood up
and was like whites are the superior race"
And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool, sir, you need to sit down."
All right, cool, everybody good with photos and everything?
Thank you so much for coming out I really appreciate you coming out
Thank you so much.
I live, uh - I live in New York right now.
[audience cheers] And--yes.
And I'm single right now, and--
(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.
You don't mean that shit. (laughter)
And whenever I go out to bars there,
I have this one friend of mine.
He's one of these guys he's like, "Aw, man.
Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man.
What's gonna happen?
Any cute girl you see, just say something,
anything, it doesn't matter what.
What's gonna happen?
What's gonna happen?"
I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all.
Why do I want to deal with that?
- Hi how are you? - Fuck you!
All right. I'll see you later.
I'll go talk to my friend Brian. He's always nice to me.
And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration,
but that is how it feels sometimes.
I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought
she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "Thank you,"
and we started talking, and she seemed nice.
Then at one point, her friend comes over,
and when the girl's friend comes over,
she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.
He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag,"
and rolled her eyes.
And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.
No reason to do that.
I was just being nice," right?
So I said to myself right there,
"Whenever I leave this conversation,
I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her,
And... I really like her bag."
So, at one point,
we're sitting there talking,
and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "
"Hey what's that over there?"
and then I stole her purse.
Yeah.
That bag's mine now.
I never know what to say to girls in situations like that.
It's always so awkward.
I was having lunch with a friend of mine once,
and I told him, "Hey, there's this one girl
that works in this restaurant.
She's so cute, but I don't know what to say to her
and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do
is go over there and be honest with her for a minute."
Really? That's all I gotta do?
So I just need to walk over--
"Excuse me, miss.
I just need to be real honest with you for a minute.
I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face.
And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches.
Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy into your reality."
I'm not sure that would work out too well.
People always give you the same dumb advice
in situations like that.
They'll say things like, "Oh just leave her a big tip."
How does that work?
I just walk over-- "Yes, can I get a muffin, please?
Here's $100.
I think you know what that means.
I'm willing to have sex with you for the price of $98."
I was doing that joke one night, and this guy
in the audience just yells, "Just tell her you're on TV."
Yeah.
There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right?
"Excuse me, miss.
I'm on TV.
(clears throat) ... I said...
I'm on TV.
I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part
where you start sucking my dick
I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like.
I just walk into bars "What's up everybody?
Just so you know someone that's appeared on television is here.
So if you're interested in giving me a handjob in the restroom let's line up
to the left."
No. That's not how it works at all.
How it works is I walk into a bar and 5 dudes are like
"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw on that thing!
Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't believe you're here
You've gotta take a photo with me and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-
though, we gotta drive there now." That doesn't sound safe.
I was in a relationship for a few years and I think
while I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively-
to text. You can't call anybody anymore.
You call someone and they're like "What? Are you on fire?
Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."
And I don't like texting people. Especially girls because there's always
miscommunication that happens.
This is a situation I get into all the time.
I'll text a girl, she texts me back right away.
I text her right away. She texts me back right away.
I text her back right away, She texts me back right away.
I text her back right away She texts me back right away.
Then I'll say something like "Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--
on Tuesday?" And then I don't hear anything.
And I'm like "What just happened? I know you read that shit. You responded--
to 20 other things I just sent. What do you not like me anymore?
You don't have two seconds to say 'yes I want to get pizza?'
or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"
What did you chuck your phone into a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--
a few hours? What's the deal?
And after a few hours of no response I get real upset.
And I just want to send a text that says something like
"Well guess who just got invited to the pizza party?
You didn't 'cus I hate you now."
Girl always writes something back "Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-
we had to turn off our phones."
Whatever we're done. I finished that pizza hours ago.
I'm up with my friend Brian and he's nice to me.
I went out with this girl in LA a few times.
She was really nice and last time I was in LA, I called her up.
And asked her out to dinner and she's like "Yeah, sure"
Then 2 hours before our date she calls me up and she goes
"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.
Now is that a problem?"
And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest problem we could have.
Why would I go out with you if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"
What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets to this carnival but you can't ride--
any rides, is that a problem? Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--
those rides, that's the whole point of me going to the carnival.
These tickets you gave me are useless.
Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of Amazon but I shipped it to my friend
Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?
Yeah that's a problem, that's not my address!
And I don't have Lisa's contact info and now she makes your paninis,
I really want one. What's the best case scenario?
We go out on this amazing dinner date, have a fantastic time, come back to my--
place. She's like "Aziz I had a really time at dinner tonight and I wanna give
you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my boyfriend's penis instead of yours.
Is that a problem?"
Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--
at my house.
It's always kinda depressing to me when I talk to girls who have boyfriends.
Because when you ask then how they met their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.
Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was doing volunteer work and one day he said
something nice to me and gave me a flower and we started going out."
No. It's always a story like "I was at the club and this guy came up to me and
was like 'I've been staring at your ass all night. Is it cool if I take you out
sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"
Why would you say yes to that?
'I don't know what's the worst that could happen?'
What's the worst that could happen? He could put something in your drink
and rape you, that's the worst that could happen.
He could murder you and use your legs to make stilts that look like legs.
Another thing that could happen.
But that's my problem is that I think too much.
Go to a bar and watch people, you see two different types of guys.
There's one type of guy, that's a guy like me.
We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin to each other
'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
Let's just talk to each other tonight Brian.'
Then, there's a second type of dude: The dumb dudes.
They're at the bar, they don't care about anything. They're like
"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit
Ubleeeeheeeeheee, I'll sing anything to anybody.
Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."
Then they go up to some girl and they're like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,
Ah, I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one
day I'd be able to put my hands on your titties. My name's Kevin."
"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my boyfriend for 3 years?"
"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever
I want?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never break up with you."
Then they leave together. Meanwhile... I finally get up my courage:
"Uh, that's a nice jacket."
"Get the fuck outta my face."
And then some Indian dude that recognizes me from the tv
will invite me back to his dorm to play video games.
Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.
You ever at a party and you're talking to a guy and you think "Wow, this guy
is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met maybe all year, what a dumb person
I cannot wait to get outta this conversation with this dumb person"
And they say something like "Yeah and I got two kids, "
And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo. You can't have two kids you're so stupid.
What are you doing raising kids? You're so dumb! You're raising murderers."
This happens to me all the time. It's so terrifying.
I was talking to a dude at a party who is 26 years old, had a three year old son.
And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" And then a few minutes later
I overheard him telling a group of people the story about how a week earlier he'd
tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah,
You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid
the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are over.
And he's sitting here telling people this story. And he's like
"Yeah and then I put the condom on" and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--
for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick ."
As if that were a totally reasonable thing to say.
As if I were the weird one for even bringing up the question.
Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.
And I told him, " You don' understand in this situation, putting the condom on
makes everything way worse." 'Cus that means the whole time he went to go find a
box of condoms, open the box of condoms, take the condom out, open the condom
wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go back to the macaroni.
That whole time he never once thought, "You know what, maybe I don't need to
fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe I could do literally anything else and it
would be a better use of my time. "
How are you gonna do something like that when you have a kid?
What if his kid saw that? He'd never be able to tell that kid anything.
"Hey be nice to be people, do good in school."
"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--
advice? By the way I'm three years old, my language skills are very impressive,
Maybe I should just ride this shit out on my own."
(crowd cheering)
I have, uh, internet access right now. 'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm
sure some of you guys are online as well. And I like the internet, but it's really
annoying sometimes. Like does this situation happen to you?
You're sitting at your computer, working on something really important. And you
think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1.
I gotta look into this now. Sorry, important work, something more pressing
has come up. I do stuff like that all the time.
And what's so annoying is that once I start looking into one thing,
I'll see something else I want to research.
For example, In the Home Alone situation. Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like
"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, I don't know much about Joe Pesci.
Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing
all this Joe Pesci research. And now I know so much about Joe Pesci.
But it's useless information, It's never going to help me.
I never heard of a situation where a guy been in an alley doing the knife,
"You're gonna die tonight unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci
put out when he was a little kid." "Little Joe sure can sing."
"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so many people know that? I need to stop
integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders. People know more about him than
I anticipated."
I always waste time like that. The other night I was up late, I remember
I've never seen any of those Saw movies before. They're not supposed to be
particularly good movies. But my friend told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the
twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy." And I love twists at the end of movies.
So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw ending' and sure enough the clip comes up
And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz you didn't see the rest of the movie, the
clip won't make sense."
Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the
plot summary and when I got to the last paragraph, I stopped.
Then I went back and watched that video. And let me tell you I did not see that--
coming."
Someone recently sent me a password to one of those online porn sites.
And the password worked.
And I don't know if anyone here's ever had membership access
to any of those sites, but it is incredible.
If you're kind of on the fence, like, "i don't know, it just doesn't
seem like it would be worth it to spend--" do it.
Now, the trend in these sites is they try to make it seem
like this stuff all really happened.
Like this is real life.
These aren't actors, this stuff really happened.
So they have dumb names like "RealLifeDickParty.com"
and the videos are all the same.
These guys go up to some girls, they're like,
"excuse me, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party?"
and the girls are always like "Yeah!" and they get in their car,
they drive back to the house, they have sex, they film it, and it goes
RealLifeDickParty.com!
Does anyone think those clips are real?
If they want people to think it's real, every now and then,
they should have a clip where some guys go up to some girls, like,
"excuse me, uh, you girls want to come back to our place
and have a dick party?"
and the girl's like, "what?
That's disgusting!
"Get out of here you asshole!" - RealLifeDickParty.com!
then you're at home like, "man, I guess it is real.
Those girls didn't want to have a dick party at all.
They just continued on "
now, the first video I watched on the site, these guys go
into a doughnut shop, right?
And they're talking to the girls in the doughnut shop, they're like,
"hey, so, what do you think of us maybe giving you some money,
and then we can hook up in the back of the donut shop"
and the girl's like, "Ok that sounds good!"
she was not a very good actress.
So they go in the back, and they start hooking up.
So there's a guy hooking up with a girl in the back
of a doughnut shop.
Now, this guy eventually does what any reasonable person
would do in that situation, and he puts a doughnut around his dick.
Now, the woman is performing fellatio-type services,
and she's getting dangerously close to this doughnut.
And then at one point, she just takes a bite of the doughnut.
And I don't know why, but as soon as that happened,
I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!
What an amazing choice by that actress!
I wonder if that was improvised, like the doughnut was just there, ..
[chomps] .. And the director is just [mouthing]
But what does that say about me as a person that I got so excited?
I guess I just like food too much.
It's a good thing I don't write the scripts for those videos.
My script would be like, "all right, so, you pick this girl up
in los angeles, and you drop her off at this restaurant called animal,
and she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine,
the rabbit legs, and the strawberry pound cake.
And they bring her everything, and she's like, 'oh, my god,
this looks so good'
And she eats everything.
There's not a bite left.
And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.
Maybe the best meal I've had all year. - RealLifeDickParty.com!
you know what's weird about that doughnut video is,
they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.
Which means they had to pay a doughnut shop owner
to use that as a location.
But I guess if you're a doughnut shop owner, the risk is pretty low.
What are the chances of someone at home watching the video and going,
"oh, no, that's where I get my doughnuts from!
That's what goes on back there?
I just thought they were putting chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"
but that's got to be happening to some dude.
They film all these videos in the same town, I imagine.
There's gotta be some dude waking up every morning like,
"oh, no, not the bank too!
I was supposed to make a deposit today!
And there's jizz everywhere!"
I always thought the best thing that could happen in the doughnut video
is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, and then she just starts walking away.
And the guy's like, "Hey where are you going?"
and she's like, "i wasn't trying to suck your dick.
I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.
That looked delicious.
"Bob's doughnuts.
The best doughnuts in town.
We won't make you suck a dick for years"
I was doing a show one night, and they had a woman signing my entire act
to the left of the stage, and whenever I got to that punch line
STOP 21:05
where I said "Jizz everywhere!"
she went like this. And.. It was amazing.
I said Jizz everywhere a few more times just to make sure
I understood what was going on
Coz that had to be an on-the-fly sign for "Jizz everywhere"
She's like "Ok.. There's jizz Oh.. oh It's everywhere"
Coz everywhere can't be like [Nasal Eeeehhhhh]
You'd look crazy; Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere'
"Hey, I'm new in town. Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"
"Oh, those are everywhere!
"There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here"
That's gotta be custom for 'jizz'
Jizz everywhere, the sealing the carpet the walls the plates
the tupperware the television, I don't know what
happened but it's everywhere and I'm really
sorry about it. Also know that jizz is just (silly sound)
that's jizz. (mimics sound)
No more thought went into that.
Guys up late developing sign language, uhh, guys I'm
really tired, can we pick up tomorrow. I'm really beat
I really need some sleep. A few more words? Fine.
What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz!
'What if it's everywhere?'
That's Jizz everywhere!
How come I get all the dirty words? Brian got puppy
I got jizz everywhere?
And the only reason I bring this up is, you know
it can be days from now, weeks from now
months from now, years from now, but one day
one of you guys could be walking around
and see a Deaf person about to walk into
a room where there's jizz everywhere
and you'd be like (signs)
and they'll be like (signs)
and they'll head somewhere else, free of jizz.
I'm from South Carolina and. thank you. and whenever
I tell people that they're always like "(gasp) oh no.
but it's so racist there, (whispers) and your skin is brown"
"how did you survive?"
And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be
pretty racist, more racist than other parts of the country.
But what these people forget is that the food there
is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina it's
kind of like "oh that guy just say the N-word?
Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, never mind"
"nom nom nom nom nom nom"
Even if right now, some dude stood up and was like "hey
I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but
afterwards I'm going to give you a biscuit."
I'd be like "that's a weird deal, but I'll take it"
'Cause I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit.
I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act
as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like
South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever
because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen
everywhere. I have a friend in LA, he's Korean right?
And he got locked out of his appartment.
So he called a locksmith, ok?
And the locksmith is getting all his info
he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like
"chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that?
The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy
goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are
trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him.
Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow'
so this locksmith does no business with Korean American.
But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would
have to call him before economically he couldn't afford
to be that racist?
Like, what if Korean people just kept calling?
Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would
have made five thousand dollars yesterday
if I didn't hate Korean people.
This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy
America. They can't even find their keys."
But then weirdly, that steriotype would get
integrated into his racism. Like he would see
Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess,
can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent)
Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?"
He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like
"ha! There's something you don't see everyday"
"Korean dude actually had his keys for once"
(mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?"
"na na na na na na na, they're in your house."
Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist.
but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs.
Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that?
As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like
"yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board"
No one was lost.
How are racist things like that so ubiquitous?
At one point do our parents sit us down
"hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian
people is 'ching chong, bing bong'"
"Don't ever say it to them"
"Well if they say something racist to you,
I don't know. I gotta get out of here.
Don't touch that macaroni"
[laughter]
One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs
and see if I could learn anything, and I found
a very interesting article. It was titled
'list of every ethnic slur'
and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them.
and if it's cool with you guys, I would now
like to share a few of my favorites.
now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok?
So they're offensive. They're offensive by their
very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one
and you're offended, there's no reason to be like
"ahhhwwwoooo"
because we all know they're offensive.
So instead you can shut your fucking mouth.
At the same time though
At the same time, I don't want to do this
bit and look at the audience and see some
guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!"
"yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]"
'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end
of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs.
Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory
descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly
caucasian ancestry with real or suspected
distent Asian or African ancestry.
Now, this is a pretty specific situation
to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh
If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is
"You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush"
"Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush"
"This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]"
"You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry
in your predominantly Caucasian face?"
Some of the racial slurs, uh
contained other racial slurs within themselves
they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient
to me. For example, there was one for Native American
people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word.
Whenever I hear that, I imagine this synario
Some guy's talking to a Native American dude
"Get out of here prairie N-word"
Some black guy's like "what'd you say?"
"Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you."
[laughter]
"Step off"
But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's
like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would
you say that to?"
See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.
'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it.
See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer"
Anyone have a guess on that one?
Christ killer. Who would you say that to?
Christ killer, killer of Christ.
Did someone say Jewish people? No!
It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people
who hate Asians so much, they blame them
for the death of Christ.
"Christ killer" "But I'm Asian"
"I know. Why do you think God created locks?"
"Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ"
But what I learned reading that list though
is that I think you can make anything sound
racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice
the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful.
Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now.
Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity?
Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat!
Quit laughing kitkat!
See? That started to sound real racist.
[laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah.
That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person.
Aziz must be emplying that he's brown on the outside,
wafer like on the inside. [laughter]
I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour
I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting.
I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than
an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys
were at one point the biggest band in the world.
Preforming at arinas and stuff. But at the same time they
were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin
all the time. My body could just not take anything like that.
Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!"
The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did
Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?"
"None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy
and fell off a building" [laughter]
They have all these insane stories about girls. Like
at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right?
But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night
to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside
burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter]
Was a motley crew guy just running around
"Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas
My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her.
What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with
soap and water? No! That won't work!
Why? I don't know!"
"Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The
scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend.
[laughter]
That story is the quintessential difference between
a comedy tour, and a rock tour.
A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like
"yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas
off my dick"
A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter]
I like touring, the only thing I don't like is the actual
travel itself. Because people can be so rude when you're
traveling. The rudest person I ever met in my entire life is
the eastern European customs lady at the Turanto airport.
What's that lady's problem? Why's she gotta be so rude?
Customs people are the first people you meet when you go to a new country.
They should be nice, welcoming.
This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes
"what you are doing here?! [shouting]"
[laughter]
And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?"
She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?"
I was like "you know, like, filming a movie"
She goes "I know what it means filming movie. I mean
are you doing the lights? Are you acting?
Are you directing? I could do without your sarcasm."
I was like, "Why are you being so mean?
I said something and you went 'what it mean shooting movie.'
So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and I'm trying to explane things to you."
[laughter]
I'm stunned you know what the word sarcams means
your English is slightly better than Animal from the Muppet Babies.
And you're yelling at me like a psychopath.
And I got my stamp and I walked on. But I kind of
wish I had forgotten the stamp and turned around
and was like "Guess what?! I lied!"
And then pulled out a DVD of Jurassic Park and a
hand gun, and was like "this is what I mean shooting movie"
"Bang bang bang bang bang"
[laughter]
Passengers can also be rude to you also.
I was flying home once and I was sitting next
to this couple. They had these two puppies, that they put
under the seats infront of us.
Now, there was an older couple sitting there
and they said "Hey, you guys mind moving the puppies
over a little bit so we can put our jackets under there?"
And the lady with the puppies is like, "um, no!
We have two puppies, they need all the room.
Thank you very much"
And I was like, "Whoa. Why'd you need
to be so rude about that?"
And then she started talking to her husband.
She's like, "Ugh, can you believe those people, asking us
to move the puppies for their jackets?
What kind of nerve they have! Who do they think they are?!"
I was like, "I fucking hate this lady."
(laughter)
So I started chiming in.
I was like, "Yeah, I heard that.
I couldn't believe they'd ask something like that.
Those people are awful! Those people are terrible!
Those people deserve to be murdered."
(laughter)
And I didn't say another word the whole flight.
(laughter)
And then the flight lands.
And the old couple gets up, they leave the plane.
The young couple's about to get up, but I hold them down and I go,
"No, no. I got this."
And I step over them and I start following the old people, right?
The young couple's behind me.
We get outside the airport, I pull out the gun
that I have from the previous joke--
(laughter)
Loaded two bullets.
I aim it at the old people, but then I spin around
and I aim it at the puppies. BANG! BANG!
I shoot both those puppies in the face.
And I go, "Never be rude to the elderly again!
Have fun burying your dead puppies."
(laughter and applause)
I know what some of you are thinking.
"Oh no, why the puppies get shot?!
The puppies didn't do anything."
I didn't really shoot any puppies.
You were being stupid.
(laughter)
I have met some really interesting people on
tour. One of my favorite people that I've met
was this gentleman who once picked
me up from the airport and drove me to the venue.
And I was talking to this guy, and
I was like "What did you do before you were
a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard"
I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?"
He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus
Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah
out of all the people you've body guarded for
who was the toughest person to do security for?
Who had the craziest fans?"
He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cheer"
"Craziest fans. Pauly Shore"
And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong
answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man
can you leave Pauly Shore along? Thanks."
"Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone."
(laughter)
And then I asked him "What did you do
before you were a celebrity body guard?"
He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour buss."
I said, "How was that?"
He goes "Not fun"
I said "Why?"
He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one
of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder."
(laughter)
That was not what I was expecting him to say.
(laughter)
So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate"
And he told me the story. And basically, any time
he was driving the buss, at one point, one of
Madonna's dancers would just
come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on
his shoulder and this happened so many times
he had to quit his job and get into a new profession.
(laughter)
But I guess that would make you quit any job.
You could be a lawyer, and people'd go
"Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?"
"Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm.
And every time I presented a case, he put his dick
on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now
I work at Quizno's"
Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder
for three hours a day. If at some point, another
guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder
you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the
fuck is this? I never signed up for that.
I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three
hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we
signed man. The language is very specific.
Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows
and toes now. We have a deal. You know what?
That's fine. If this is how you guys run things
I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't
need this shit"
(laughter and clapping)
Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes
to update you on one of my favorite people in the world.
And that's my chubby little cousin Harris.
Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives
in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids
or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on
what he's been up to.
Uhhhh, Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't
get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do
check up on him regurlary on his facebook page and
read his status uptates.
He recently had a quote up there.
And the quote said, "life's a dirty game
you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter)
"dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one.
(laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original.
That's not from season four of The Wire.
That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once
tole me his favorite food is hot pockets.
(laughter)
What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game,
you've gotta play dirty to win it."
When has Harris played dirty in life?
I can only think of one instance, it's when
he's playing Halo, because as soon as the
board starts, he always knows where the rocket
launchers are and he grabs them and starts
blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does
this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo
with him anymore.
(laughter)
Now I'm sure there's some people here
that have never played Halo, and that doesn't
make any sense, so I will give you an analogy.
Okay? It would be as if you were playing
Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten
and landed on park place. And then Harris
came in with a rocket launcher and blew
everybody up. (laughter)
Last time I spoke with Harris, I said
"What's been going on?" and he said
"I'm applying for college, is there any way
you can help me with my college essays?"
And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're
a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write
is going to be insane. So I can read it to
people in public and it'll help me with
my job." (laughter and cheering)
So I brought along a copy of his essay.
And this is 100% real. The essay is titled,
'All the Small Things'
"Take the thumb, even though it is just
another finger it is the most essential.
It controls everything from eating and drinking
to writing. Interestingly enough I have found
many things in life to be the same way."
Already the essay makes no sense.
When's the last time something interesting
in your life happened, and you thought
'this reminds me of my thumb'?
Never.
He goes on, "It's always the simple things
that have the greatest impact.
The splitting of an atom caused the death
of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned
the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter)
With the simple notion of vending machines
that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two
things are comperible.
200,000 people are dead! And you can rent
Mrs. Doubtfire at the grocery store now. (laughter)
He goes on to describe a particurlarly
interesting summer where he volunteered at
a local hospital. This is how he described
that experience. "I was a human wheelbarrow"
And let me tell you, it sucked.
You can't say "it sucked" in a college essay.
When you use language like that, you know what "it sucks" means?
You're referring to sucking dick.
So what Harris just said is like, uh, "hey, university,
you know what volunteering and helping people reminded me of?
Putting a penis in my mouth and sucking it
till it comes in my chubby little cheeks.
Later on, he talks about a particularly crazy day at the hospital.
"A week after I started, the incident occurred.
When I set foot in the hospital that day, it was more crowded than ever.
There weren't any nurses asking me if I want cookies"
that's his gauge of how crazy things are at the hospital?
"Why isn't anyone asking me if I want cookies?
[scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer"
but what happened that day was Harris ended up meeting a gentleman
who was illiterate, and he'd never met anyone illiterate before,
and this really affected him.
He described how he felt when he drove home that day.
"I remembered thinking how bizarre it was that someone could not read.
What if I couldn't read?
I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits
from Red Lobster.
these are the things that come to harris' mind when he imagines
a world where he can't read.
First of all, you could easily do both those things if you couldn't read.
I don't think illiterate people see movie posters and numbers
and are like, "no clue what that means.
Can't pieсe that together".
now, the red lobster thing is weird also, 'cause I don't know how many
of you all have been to red lobster, but if you've been there, you know
no one orders the cheese biscuits; those are complimentary.
They just sit 'em down at your table as soon as you get there.
So what's harris talking about?
I'm guessing this is what happens.
He finishes his biscuits, and he sees on the menu it says,
"if you finish your biscuits, feel free to order more" he's like, "whew!
Thank god I can read.
More biscuits please!"
so I told him, I said, "Harris, you can't send this essay.
It's too crazy.
Let me do a rewrite."
I did a rewrite, which he rejected, but I will share with you now.
"I once volunteered at a hospital.
It sucked dick, but I did get to eat free cookies.
And let me tell you, I will suck dick for cookies.
One day, I met a man who was illiterate.
It really affected me.
It made me realize the world is full of great tragedies.
9/11, The time I overcooked that hot pocket, and here, this man.
He couldn't read.
How would he find a box of bagel bites at the grocery store?
Even if he found the box of bagel bites, how would he read
the directions to cook the bagel bites?
Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites?
I ate six of 'em one day, and it was disgusting.
My name is Harris.
I hope you consider accepting me into your university.
By the way, during registration, will there be free cookies,
or will I need to suck someone's dick?
Life's a dirty game.
You gotta play dirty to win it"
[cheers and applause]
I used to kid Harris for being chubby, but he's actually not chubby anymore.
He had a growth spurt, and he stretched out.
He's fine.
But a few months ago, I was actually worried that I was getting chubby.
I saw a photo of me on the internet, and in the comments,
someone wrote, "whoa! Who ate Aziz Ansari?"
which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense.
If someone ate me, they wouldn't assume my form all of a sudden.
"Why do you look like that g--" - I just ate him!
but the person was right.
I gained 12 pounds.
So I started exercising at the gym, lost the weight right away.
But I didn't always like the stuff the people at the gym would tell me.
They would say things like, "hey, Aziz, you see this new study on yahoo news?
It says any food you would have to eat after 11:00 goes straight
to your belly you should cut out those late night snacks.
and I would always want to say, "oh, really?
There's this other study I heard about that says, uh, if you have a lot of
alcohol in your system and you eat a quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning,
it's delicious.
Yeah.
I did that study last night. Twice."
[cheers and applause] But I love food.
I love going out to eat at restaurants and stuff.
It's really something I like a lot.
I was eating at one of my favorite restaurants in New York not too long ago,
and I was having dinner with a friend, and he's like,
"aziz, what have you been up to?"
and I said, "shut up.
50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need to hear everything he says"
And 50 cent did not disappoint.
50 Cent the rapper ordered a grapefruit soda.
The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda.
And then 50 cent said the greatest thing anyone could ever say
when they see a grapefruit soda.
He looks at the waiter, and he goes, "Why isn't this purple?"
and it took me a few seconds, and then I realized, "oh, my god.
50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is.
Excuse me, everybody in the restaurant, shut up.
A waiter's about to explain to a grown man what a grapefruit is."
you realize how amazing this is?
There are parents that aren't there when their children
learns what a grapefruit is.
I am there for that moment in rapper 50 cent's life.
This guy leaves the restaurant, he's gonna know about a new fruit.
And the exchange was just glorious.
The waiter struggling to explain the concept of a grapefruit to a man
who just didn't get it.
He was like, "no, you don't understand.
They're two different things.
Grape, grapefruit.
"I know grapes are fruits. Why do you keep saying it like that?"
no, it's just one word. Grapefruit.
you know, it's just one-- it's a different--"
"i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit, orange-fruit, carrot-vegetable.
No that's not it at all.
And it just blew my mind.
How does 50 cent not know what a grapefruit is?
This guy's been rich for so long.
He has to run into a grapefruit every now and then.
I do okay.
I see grapefruits every fucking day.
What happens when he sees a grapefruit?
Is he just like:
"What's up with those oranges?
They're all red and shit.
And they're big as fuck!
They're looking at me weird! Shot those niggas!
[imitates gunfire]
When you do this kind of work,
a lot of people write stuff
about you on the internet
and sometimes people write mean things
and the smart thing to do is just ignore that.
But sometimes I would argue with people
because, I like arguing
yeah, every now and then but
I recently put an end to all of it.
And I wanted to share with you guys what happened
the last time I got into an argument online.
It started when my email wasn't working.
so I went on my website
and I wrote,
"If Gmail even messes up a little bit, I get upset
it's a little unreasonable,
but seriously, send my email, Gmail!"
and then a guy writes back and says:
"Dude. You're complaining about
a free email service?
Maybe use some of your hollywood money
to buy a real email account. TURD"
Which seemed a little aggressive.
So I wrote him back and said:
"Hey, man, I was joking,
and even said it's unreasonable.
So go fuck a bucket of dogshit!"
And then he goes:
"Oh sorry, didn't mean to suggest you should
use a little of that money you have
instead of crying like a bitch."
At this point, I decided to
take things up a notch. I said:
"I hope four hippopotamuses force you
to blow them and they all cum on your face
simultaneously, and you choke on hippo cum
and DIE."
Cause that will probably be a pretty rough way to go...
Imagine you're just at your house,
just like making eggs or something,
Ding Dong! Oh, a hippo was here,
four hippos, what do you guys need?
and the hippos are just like
"Suck our DICKS."
Even logistically, this is going to be rough.
I mean you got four hippos lined up in your house
and you gotta blow them at the same time
"uhhh uh uhhh uhhhh" [blowing hippo sounds]
and then eventually the hippos are like:
"We're about to cuuuuum!"
Because that's what talking hippos do in that
situation.
and then it starts
[blasting sounds]
and he's like "ah, oh no,
oh no, oh no, I'm choking, I'm not going to make it,
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die
I need to email my family and tell
them I love them
Fuck! Gmail's down. That guy was right.
So I wrote that up there
And then he responded and said
"Here's a tip, don't use the word seriously
when you're joking. You want to
come down to SD and talk that big boy
talk face to face?"
I'm assuming SD stands for South Dakota.
Which doesn't intimidate me
at all.
I will go to South Dakota and fuck somebody up.
Not for real, because I'm small,
But I'll say shit like that when I'm online.
So I kinda want to end this argument, so I tell him
"Look. You're the only one of thousands
who had this impression of me,
maybe you should just look up sarcasm
in the dictionary."
and he goes:
"You can't tell sarcasm from text Akbar,
but nice try."
and I said:
"Well that's strange! Cause everyone who didn't
have the veiny shaft of a huge hippo
cock deep in their throat,
could, KEITH. Yeah, I called you
Keith, a random white guy name,
Just like you cleverly did to me,
with 'Akbar'. By the way,
the previous use of the word 'cleverly',
was SARCASTIC. Could you tell it by
reading it, you dumbshit?"
and then he wrote back:
"Whatever, you jawwah. "
And I didn't know what that meant.
I had to look it up!
That's a sign of terribly ineffective racism.
You can't say something racist
to someone and then go "hey,
what'd you say? Spell that for me.
I need to look that up."
It's got to be immediate.
But I looked it up and apparently "jahwah"
is some Star Wars character.
That's like small and wears a hood
and it's brown, and yellow eyes,
I don't know, it doesn't offend me.
But, I love the idea
of a guy that's really racist,
and really into Star Wars.
That is an amazing combination
I would love to hang out with that dude
for a while. I would go to the movies
with him whenever I could
Because, at one point, I feel like he would
stand up and he'd say something like
"Damn it! I can't hear the movie because
all these Darth Vaders won't shut the
fuck up!"
So, at this point, I don't have time for this guy
I'm a busy guy. I've got
Joe Pesci research piling up.
And, I tell him,
"Look. I don't have time to argue with a guy
who's integrating racism and Star Wars trivia."
and he goes:
"This ceased to be an argument four
hours ago. I just wanted to see some
deedless idiot get all worked up
over his tiny pecker."
and I said, "well,
every pecker must seem tiny after
all the huge hippo cocks you've had
in your mouth,