9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [Jazz music] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cheers and applause] Thank you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you very much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you very much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Alright. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Washington, D.C. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much for [br]coming out to the taping 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 for my second stand-up special. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cheers and applause] [br]Very excited to be here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Uh... Before we start the show, [br]I know there's probably 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 some signs up saying, [br]no photos and things of that nature, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and that's just because [br]obviously we're taping this. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And also, when I do these shows, [br]people can start taking photos, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and there'll be a lot of [br]flashing and orange lights, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it can be a little [br]distracting when I'm trying 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to focus on the performance. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But what I've realized is [br]that, uh, people don't give a shit, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they take photos anyway, [br]because there are some shitty people 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that come to these shows. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I mean, look how many people are here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some of you are shitty people. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's no question. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If we met in any other context [br]besides you paying me money 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to see me tell jokes, [br]I'm sure there are some 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of you I would hate with a passion. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No question about it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I really hate some of you a lot. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So what I thought we could [br]do as a compromise-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 right now, before I start the show, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I understand people like photos and stuff, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so right now, before we start the show, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm gonna pretend like [br]I'm in the middle of a joke, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and you can take as many [br]photos as you want, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and then after that, [br]we'll have a great show, okay? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) (cheering) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So here we go, if you want to snap a photo 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 go for it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter and chuckling) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some fake joke where I need to go through 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a crawl space. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let's act like uh, let's act like an 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 incident happened with a audience member. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like sir, could you stand up [br]and act like you're yelling at me-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 about something? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter and applause) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So... you can show that photo[br]to people and tell 'em 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Yeah at one point in the show [br]this guy just stood up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and was like whites are the superior race" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,[br]sir, you need to sit down." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 All right, cool, everybody good with[br]photos and everything? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much for coming out[br]I really appreciate you coming out 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you so much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I live, uh - I live in New York right now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [audience cheers] And--yes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I'm single right now, and-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (audience cheers) Oh, shut up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You don't mean that shit. (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And whenever I go out to bars there, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I have this one friend of mine. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He's one of these guys [br]he's like, "Aw, man. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Any cute girl you see, [br]just go talk to her, man. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Any cute girl you see, [br]just say something, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 anything, it doesn't matter what. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's gonna happen?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That girl is gonna be mean as shit [br]to me for no reason at all. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why do I want to deal with that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 - Hi how are you? [br]- Fuck you! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 All right. I'll see you later. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll go talk to my friend Brian. [br]He's always nice to me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And, sure, that's a little bit [br]of an exaggeration, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but that is how it feels sometimes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I once went up to this girl [br]'cause I thought 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she had a cool purse on her shoulder. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" [br]and she said, "Thank you," 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we started talking, [br]and she seemed nice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then at one point, her friend comes over, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and when the girl's friend comes over, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He came to talk to me 'cause [br]he thought I had a cool bag," 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and rolled her eyes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No reason to do that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was just being nice," right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I said to myself right there, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Whenever I leave this conversation, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm gonna make sure this girl knows[br]I don't give a shit about her, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And... I really like her bag." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So, at one point, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we're sitting there talking, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) " 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Hey what's that over there?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and then I stole her purse. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That bag's mine now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I never know what to say [br]to girls in situations like that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's always so awkward. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was having lunch [br]with a friend of mine once, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I told him, [br]"Hey, there's this one girl 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that works in this restaurant. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She's so cute, but I don't know what to[br]say to her 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is go over there and be honest [br]with her for a minute." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Really? That's all I gotta do? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I just need to walk over-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Excuse me, miss. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just need to be real honest [br]with you for a minute. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I eat here all the time, [br]and when I do, I stare at your face. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I imagine us fucking [br]while I eat my sandwiches. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let me know if you'd like to turn [br]my fantasy into your reality." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm not sure that would work out too well. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 People always give you [br]the same dumb advice 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in situations like that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They'll say things like, [br]"Oh just leave her a big tip." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How does that work? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just walk over-- "Yes, [br]can I get a muffin, please? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Here's $100. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I think you know what that means. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm willing to have sex [br]with you for the price of $98." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was doing that joke [br]one night, and this guy 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in the audience just yells, [br]"Just tell her you're on TV." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's no way I'll sound [br]like a jerk if I do that, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Excuse me, miss. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm on TV. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (clears throat) ... I said... 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm on TV. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I don't know what's going [br]on here, but this is the part 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 where you start sucking my dick 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I guess that's what some dudes [br]think being on tv's like. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just walk into bars[br]"What's up everybody? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Just so you know someone that's appeared [br]on television is here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So if you're interested in giving me a [br]handjob in the restroom let's line up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to the left." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No. That's not how it works at all. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How it works is I walk into a bar and[br]5 dudes are like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw[br]on that thing! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't [br]believe you're here 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You've gotta take a photo with me[br]and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 though, we gotta drive there now."[br]That doesn't sound safe. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was in a relationship for a few years [br]and I think 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 while I was in the relationship[br]all dating communication went exclusively- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to text. You can't call anybody anymore. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You call someone and they're like[br]"What? Are you on fire? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Quit wasting my time, text me that shit." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I don't like texting people. [br]Especially girls because there's always 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 miscommunication that happens. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This is a situation I get into all the [br]time. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll text a girl, she texts me back [br]right away. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I text her right away. [br]She texts me back right away. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I text her back right away, [br]She texts me back right away. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I text her back right away[br]She texts me back right away. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then I'll say something like [br]"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 on Tuesday?"[br]And then I don't hear anything. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I'm like "What just happened? [br]I know you read that shit. You responded-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to 20 other things I just sent.[br]What do you not like me anymore? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You don't have two seconds to say[br]'yes I want to get pizza?' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What did you chuck your phone into[br]a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a few hours? What's the deal? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And after a few hours of no response[br]I get real upset. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I just want to send a text that says[br]something like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Well guess who just got invited [br]to the pizza party? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You didn't 'cus I hate you now." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Girl always writes something back[br]"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we had to turn off our phones." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Whatever we're done. [br]I finished that pizza hours ago. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm up with my friend Brian and he's [br]nice to me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I went out with this girl in LA [br]a few times. [br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She was really nice and last time I was in[br]LA, I called her up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And asked her out to dinner and she's [br]like "Yeah, sure" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then 2 hours before our date she calls me [br]up and she goes 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner[br]with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now is that a problem?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest[br]problem we could have. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why would I go out with you [br]if you kinda have a boyfriend now?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets[br]to this carnival but you can't ride-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 any rides, is that a problem?[br]Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 those rides, that's the whole point of me[br]going to the carnival. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 These tickets you gave me are useless. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of[br]Amazon but I shipped it to my friend 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah that's a problem, [br]that's not my address! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I don't have Lisa's contact info[br]and now she makes your paninis, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I really want one. [br]What's the best case scenario? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We go out on this amazing dinner date,[br]have a fantastic time, come back to my-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 place. She's like "Aziz I had a really [br]time at dinner tonight and I wanna give 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my [br]boyfriend's penis instead of yours. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Is that a problem?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're [br]gonna suck your boyfriend's dick-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 at my house. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's always kinda depressing to me when I[br]talk to girls who have boyfriends. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Because when you ask then how they met [br]their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was[br]doing volunteer work and one day he said 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 something nice to me and gave me a flower[br]and we started going out." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No. It's always a story like "I was at [br]the club and this guy came up to me and 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 was like 'I've been staring at your ass [br]all night. Is it cool if I take you out 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why would you say yes to that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'I don't know what's the worst that[br]could happen?' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's the worst that could happen?[br]He could put something in your drink 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and rape you, [br]that's the worst that could happen. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He could murder you and use your legs to [br]make stilts that look like legs.[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Another thing that could happen. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But that's my problem is that I think too [br]much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Go to a bar and watch people, you see two [br]different types of guys. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's one type of guy, that's a guy like[br]me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin[br]to each other 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't [br]know, I don't know, I don't know. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let's just talk to each [br]other tonight Brian.' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then, there's a second type of dude: [br]The dumb dudes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They're at the bar, they don't care about[br]anything. They're like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop[br]it in a beer with a bunch of other shit 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ubleeeeheeeeheee, [br]I'll sing anything to anybody. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ublaaaagagaaaagaga." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then they go up to some girl and they're[br]like "Psexcuse me, excuse me, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ah, I just wanted to say you look really[br]beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 day I'd be able to put my hands on [br]your titties. My name's Kevin." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my [br]boyfriend for 3 years?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I don't know, is it okay if I'm really [br]shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Yeah, that's fine. I'll never [br]break up with you." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then they leave together. Meanwhile...[br]I finally get up my courage: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Uh, that's a nice jacket." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Get the fuck outta my face." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then some Indian dude that [br]recognizes me from the tv 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 will invite me back [br]to his dorm to play video games. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Tell me if this ever happens to you guys. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You ever at a party and you're talking to [br]a guy and you think "Wow, this guy 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met [br]maybe all year, what a dumb person 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I cannot wait to get outta this [br]conversation with this dumb person" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they say something like [br]"Yeah and I got two kids, " 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.[br]You can't have two kids you're so stupid. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What are you doing raising kids? You're [br]so dumb! You're raising murderers." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This happens to me all the time. It's so [br]terrifying. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was talking to a dude at a party who is[br]26 years old, had a three year old son. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" [br]And then a few minutes later 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I overheard him telling a group of people [br]the story about how a week earlier he'd 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni [br]and cheese. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah[br]woah, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl[br]of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are [br]over. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he's sitting here telling people this [br]story. And he's like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Yeah and then I put the condom on" [br]and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not [br]trying to get cheese all over my dick ." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 As if that were a totally reasonable[br]thing to say. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 As if I were the weird one for even [br]bringing up the question. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I told him, " You don' understand[br]in this situation, putting the condom on 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 makes everything way worse." 'Cus that [br]means the whole time he went to go find a 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 box of condoms, open the box of condoms,[br]take the condom out, open the condom 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go [br]back to the macaroni. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That whole time he never once thought, [br]"You know what, maybe I don't need to 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe[br]I could do literally anything else and it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 would be a better use of my time. " 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How are you gonna do something like that [br]when you have a kid? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What if his kid saw that? He'd never be [br]able to tell that kid anything. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Hey be nice to be people, do good in [br]school." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni[br]and cheese. Sooo why would I take your-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 advice? By the way I'm three years old, my[br]language skills are very impressive, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe I should just ride this shit out on[br]my own." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (crowd cheering) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I have, uh, internet access right now. [br]'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 sure some of you guys are online as well. [br]And I like the internet, but it's really 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 annoying sometimes. Like does this [br]situation happen to you? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You're sitting at your computer, working[br]on something really important. And you 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made[br]more money than Home Alone 1. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I gotta look into this now. Sorry, [br]important work, something more pressing 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 has come up. I do stuff like [br]that all the time. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And what's so annoying is that once I [br]start looking into one thing, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll see something else I want to [br]research. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 For example, In the Home Alone situation.[br]Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, [br]I don't know much about Joe Pesci. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe I should learn everything about[br]Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 all this Joe Pesci research. And now[br]I know so much about Joe Pesci. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But it's useless information, It's never[br]going to help me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I never heard of a situation where a guy[br]been in an alley doing the knife, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "You're gonna die tonight unless you can [br]tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 put out when he was a little kid."[br]"Little Joe sure can sing." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Damnit, you're free to go. How come so [br]many people know that? I need to stop 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my [br]murders. People know more about him than 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I anticipated." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I always waste time like that. [br]The other night I was up late, I remember 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've never seen any of those Saw movies [br]before. They're not supposed to be 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 particularly good movies. But my friend [br]told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."[br]And I love twists at the end of movies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw[br]ending' and sure enough the clip comes up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz[br]you didn't see the rest of the movie, the 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 clip won't make sense." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went[br]on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 plot summary and when I got to the last [br]paragraph, I stopped. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Then I went back and watched that video. [br]And let me tell you I did not see that-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 coming." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Someone recently sent me a password [br]to one of those online porn sites. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the password worked. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I don't know if anyone here's [br]ever had membership access 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to any of those sites, [br]but it is incredible. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If you're kind of on the fence, [br]like, "i don't know, it just doesn't 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 seem like it would be [br]worth it to spend--" do it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, the trend in these sites [br]is they try to make it seem 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like this stuff all really happened. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like this is real life. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 These aren't actors, [br]this stuff really happened. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So they have dumb names like [br]"RealLifeDickParty.com" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the videos are all the same. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 These guys go up to [br]some girls, they're like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "excuse me, you girls want to come back [br]to our place and have a dick party?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the girls are always like "Yeah!" [br]and they get in their car, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they drive back to the house, [br]they have sex, they film it, and it goes 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 RealLifeDickParty.com! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Does anyone think those clips are real? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If they want people to think it's real, [br]every now and then, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they should have a clip where [br]some guys go up to some girls, like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "excuse me, uh, you girls want [br]to come back to our place 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and have a dick party?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the girl's like, "what? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's disgusting! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Get out of here you asshole!"[br]- RealLifeDickParty.com! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 then you're at home like, [br]"man, I guess it is real. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Those girls didn't want to [br]have a dick party at all. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They just continued on " 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 now, the first video I watched [br]on the site, these guys go 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 into a doughnut shop, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they're talking to the girls [br]in the doughnut shop, they're like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "hey, so, what do you think of us [br]maybe giving you some money, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and then we can hook up [br]in the back of the donut shop" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the girl's like, [br]"Ok that sounds good!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she was not a very good actress. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So they go in the back, [br]and they start hooking up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So there's a guy hooking up [br]with a girl in the back 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of a doughnut shop. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, this guy eventually does [br]what any reasonable person 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 would do in that situation, [br]and he puts a doughnut around his dick. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, the woman is performing [br]fellatio-type services, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and she's getting dangerously [br]close to this doughnut. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then at one point, she just [br]takes a bite of the doughnut. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I don't know why, [br]but as soon as that happened, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just went, "whoa, that was awesome! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What an amazing choice by that actress! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I wonder if that was improvised, [br]like the doughnut was just there, .. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [chomps] .. And the director [br]is just [mouthing] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But what does that say about me [br]as a person that I got so excited? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I guess I just like food too much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's a good thing I don't write [br]the scripts for those videos. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My script would be like, [br]"all right, so, you pick this girl up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in los angeles, and you drop her off [br]at this restaurant called animal, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and she orders the [br]hamachi tostada, the poutine, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the rabbit legs, and the [br]strawberry pound cake. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they bring her everything, and [br]she's like, 'oh, my god, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 this looks so good' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And she eats everything. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's not a bite left. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe the best meal I've had all year. [br]- RealLifeDickParty.com! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you know what's weird about [br]that doughnut video is, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they filmed it in a real doughnut shop. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Which means they had to pay [br]a doughnut shop owner 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to use that as a location. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But I guess if you're a doughnut shop [br]owner, the risk is pretty low. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What are the chances of someone [br]at home watching the video and going, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "oh, no, that's where [br]I get my doughnuts from! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's what goes on back there? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just thought they were putting [br]chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but that's got to be [br]happening to some dude. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They film all these videos [br]in the same town, I imagine. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's gotta be some dude [br]waking up every morning like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "oh, no, not the bank too! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was supposed to make a deposit today! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And there's jizz everywhere!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I always thought the best thing [br]that could happen in the doughnut video 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, [br]and then she just starts walking away. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the guy's like, [br]"Hey where are you going?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and she's like, [br]"i wasn't trying to suck your dick. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just wanted a bite of that doughnut. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That looked delicious. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Bob's doughnuts. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The best doughnuts in town. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We won't make you suck a dick for years" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was doing a show one night, [br]and they had a woman signing my entire act 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to the left of the stage, and whenever [br]I got to that punch line 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 STOP 21:05 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 where I said "Jizz everywhere!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she went like this.[br]And.. It was amazing.[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said Jizz everywhere a few more times[br]just to make sure 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I understood what was going on 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Coz that had to be an on-the-fly[br]sign for "Jizz everywhere" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She's like "Ok.. There's jizz[br]Oh.. oh It's everywhere" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Coz everywhere can't be like [br][Nasal Eeeehhhhh] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You'd look crazy;[br]Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Hey, I'm new in town. [br]Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Oh, those are everywhere! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's gotta be custom for 'jizz' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Jizz everywhere, the sealing [br]the carpet the walls the plates 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the tupperware the television, [br]I don't know what 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 happened but it's everywhere [br]and I'm really 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 sorry about it. Also know that [br]jizz is just (silly sound) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that's jizz. (mimics sound) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No more thought went into that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Guys up late developing [br]sign language, uhh, guys I'm 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 really tired, can we pick up [br]tomorrow. I'm really beat 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I really need some sleep. [br]A few more words? Fine. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'What if it's everywhere?' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's Jizz everywhere! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How come I get all the [br]dirty words? Brian got puppy 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I got jizz everywhere? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the only reason I [br]bring this up is, you know 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it can be days from now, weeks from now 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 months from now, years [br]from now, but one day 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 one of you guys could be walking around 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and see a Deaf person about to walk into 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a room where there's jizz everywhere 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and you'd be like (signs) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they'll be like (signs) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they'll head somewhere [br]else, free of jizz. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm from South Carolina and. [br]thank you. and whenever 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I tell people that they're [br]always like "(gasp) oh no. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but it's so racist there, (whispers) [br]and your skin is brown" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "how did you survive?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And sure, certain parts of [br]South Carolina can be 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 pretty racist, more racist than [br]other parts of the country. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But what these people forget [br]is that the food there 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is delicious. So growing up [br]in South Carolina it's 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 kind of like "oh that guy[br]just say the N-word? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, [br]never mind" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "nom nom nom nom nom nom" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even if right now, some dude [br]stood up and was like "hey 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm going to say a bunch [br]of racist stuff, but 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 afterwards I'm going to [br]give you a biscuit." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'd be like "that's a weird [br]deal, but I'll take it" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'Cause I hate racism, [br]but I love a good biscuit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I just think it's a little silly [br]when sometimes people act 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 as if all the really crazy [br]racism is just in places like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 South Carolina, Alabama, [br]Mississippi, or whatever 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because I've seen crazy [br]racist stuff happen 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 everywhere. I have a friend [br]in LA, he's Korean right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he got locked out of his appartment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So he called a locksmith, ok? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the locksmith is getting all his info 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so this locksmith does no business with Korean American. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 have to call him before economically he couldn't afford 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to be that racist? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like, what if Korean people just kept calling? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 have made five thousand dollars yesterday 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 if I didn't hate Korean people. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 America. They can't even find their keys." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But then weirdly, that steriotype would get 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 integrated into his racism. Like he would see 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "ha! There's something you don't see everyday" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Korean dude actually had his keys for once" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "na na na na na na na, they're in your house." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No one was lost. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How are racist things like that so ubiquitous? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 At one point do our parents sit us down 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 people is 'ching chong, bing bong'" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Don't ever say it to them" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Well if they say something racist to you, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I don't know. I gotta get out of here. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Don't touch that macaroni" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and see if I could learn anything, and I found 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a very interesting article. It was titled 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'list of every ethnic slur' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and if it's cool with you guys, I would now 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like to share a few of my favorites. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So they're offensive. They're offensive by their 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and you're offended, there's no reason to be like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "ahhhwwwoooo" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because we all know they're offensive. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So instead you can shut your fucking mouth. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 At the same time though 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 At the same time, I don't want to do this 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 bit and look at the audience and see some 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 caucasian ancestry with real or suspected 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 distent Asian or African ancestry. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, this is a pretty specific situation 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in your predominantly Caucasian face?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some of the racial slurs, uh 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 contained other racial slurs within themselves 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to me. For example, there was one for Native American 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Whenever I hear that, I imagine this synario 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some guy's talking to a Native American dude 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Get out of here prairie N-word" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Some black guy's like "what'd you say?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Step off" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you say that to?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Anyone have a guess on that one? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Christ killer. Who would you say that to? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Christ killer, killer of Christ. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Did someone say Jewish people? No! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who hate Asians so much, they blame them 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 for the death of Christ. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Christ killer" "But I'm Asian" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I know. Why do you think God created locks?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But what I learned reading that list though 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is that I think you can make anything sound 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Quit laughing kitkat! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 See? That started to sound real racist. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Aziz must be emplying that he's brown on the outside, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 wafer like on the inside. [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 were at one point the biggest band in the world. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Preforming at arinas and stuff. But at the same time they 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 all the time. My body could just not take anything like that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and fell off a building" [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They have all these insane stories about girls. Like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Was a motley crew guy just running around 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What am I going to do? What am I going to do? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 soap and water? No! That won't work! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Why? I don't know!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That story is the quintessential difference between 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a comedy tour, and a rock tour. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 off my dick" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I like touring, the only thing [br]I don't like is the actual 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 travel itself. Because people can [br]be so rude when you're 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 traveling. The rudest person I [br]ever met in my entire life is 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the eastern European customs lady [br]at the Turanto airport. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What's that lady's problem? [br]Why's she gotta be so rude? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Customs people are the first people you [br]meet when you go to a new country. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They should be nice, welcoming. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "what you are doing here?! [shouting]" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was like "you know, [br]like, filming a movie" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She goes "I know what [br]it means filming movie. I mean 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 are you doing the lights? Are you acting? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Are you directing? [br]I could do without your sarcasm." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was like, "Why are you being so mean? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said something and you went [br]'what it mean shooting movie.' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and[br]I'm trying to explane things to you." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm stunned you know what [br]the word sarcams means 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 your English is slightly better [br]than Animal from the Muppet Babies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And you're yelling at me [br]like a psychopath. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I got my stamp and I walked on. [br]But I kind of 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 wish I had forgotten the stamp [br]and turned around 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and was like "Guess what?! I lied!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then pulled out a DVD [br]of Jurassic Park and a 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 hand gun, and was like [br]"this is what I mean shooting movie" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Bang bang bang bang bang" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [laughter] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Passengers can also be rude to you also. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was flying home once and I [br]was sitting next 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to this couple. They had these [br]two puppies, that they put 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 under the seats infront of us. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, there was an older [br]couple sitting there 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they said "Hey, you guys mind [br]moving the puppies 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 over a little bit so we can put [br]our jackets under there?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the lady with the [br]puppies is like, "um, no! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We have two puppies, [br]they need all the room. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you very much" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was like, "Whoa.[br]Why'd you need 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to be so rude about that?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then she started [br]talking to her husband. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She's like, "Ugh, can you believe[br]those people, asking us 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to move the puppies for their jackets? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What kind of nerve they have![br]Who do they think they are?!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was like, "I fucking hate this lady." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I started chiming in. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was like, "Yeah, I heard that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I couldn't believe they'd [br]ask something like that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Those people are awful![br]Those people are terrible! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Those people deserve to be murdered." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I didn't say another [br]word the whole flight. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then the flight lands. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the old couple gets up, [br]they leave the plane. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The young couple's about to get up, [br]but I hold them down and I go, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "No, no. I got this." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I step over them and I start [br]following the old people, right? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The young couple's behind me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We get outside the airport,[br]I pull out the gun 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I have from the previous joke-- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Loaded two bullets. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I aim it at the old people, [br]but then I spin around 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I aim it at the puppies.[br]BANG! BANG! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I shoot both those puppies in the face. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I go, "Never be [br]rude to the elderly again! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Have fun burying your dead puppies." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter and applause) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I know what some of you are thinking. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Oh no, why the puppies get shot?! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The puppies didn't do anything." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I didn't really shoot any puppies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You were being stupid. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I have met some really interesting people on 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 tour. One of my favorite people that I've met 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 was this gentleman who once picked 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 me up from the airport and drove me to the venue. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was talking to this guy, and 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was like "What did you do before you were 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 out of all the people you've body guarded for 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who was the toughest person to do security for? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Who had the craziest fans?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cheer" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Craziest fans. Pauly Shore" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 can you leave Pauly Shore along? Thanks." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then I asked him "What did you do 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 before you were a celebrity body guard?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour buss." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said, "How was that?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He goes "Not fun" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said "Why?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That was not what I was expecting him to say. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he told me the story. And basically, any time 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he was driving the buss, at one point, one of 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Madonna's dancers would just 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 his shoulder and this happened so many times 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he had to quit his job and get into a new profession. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But I guess that would make you quit any job. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You could be a lawyer, and people'd go 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And every time I presented a case, he put his dick 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I work at Quizno's" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 for three hours a day. If at some point, another 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 fuck is this? I never signed up for that. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 signed man. The language is very specific. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and toes now. We have a deal. You know what? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's fine. If this is how you guys run things 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 need this shit" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter and clapping) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to update you on one of my favorite people in the world. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And that's my chubby little cousin Harris. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 what he's been up to. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Uhhhh, Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 check up on him regurlary on his facebook page and 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 read his status uptates. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He recently had a quote up there. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the quote said, "life's a dirty game 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's not from season four of The Wire. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 tole me his favorite food is hot pockets. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you've gotta play dirty to win it." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When has Harris played dirty in life? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I can only think of one instance, it's when 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he's playing Halo, because as soon as the 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 board starts, he always knows where the rocket 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 launchers are and he grabs them and starts 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 with him anymore. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now I'm sure there's some people here 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that have never played Halo, and that doesn't 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 make any sense, so I will give you an analogy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Okay? It would be as if you were playing 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and landed on park place. And then Harris 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 came in with a rocket launcher and blew 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 everybody up. (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Last time I spoke with Harris, I said 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "What's been going on?" and he said 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I'm applying for college, is there any way 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you can help me with my college essays?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is going to be insane. So I can read it to 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 people in public and it'll help me with 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 my job." (laughter and cheering) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I brought along a copy of his essay. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this is 100% real. The essay is titled, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'All the Small Things' 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Take the thumb, even though it is just 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 another finger it is the most essential. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It controls everything from eating and drinking 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to writing. Interestingly enough I have found 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 many things in life to be the same way." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Already the essay makes no sense. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When's the last time something interesting 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in your life happened, and you thought 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 'this reminds me of my thumb'? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Never. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He goes on, "It's always the simple things 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that have the greatest impact. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The splitting of an atom caused the death 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 With the simple notion of vending machines 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 things are comperible. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 200,000 people are dead! And you can rent 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Mrs. Doubtfire at the [br]grocery store now. (laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He goes on to describe a particurlarly 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 interesting summer where he volunteered at 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a local hospital. This is how he described 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that experience. [br]"I was a human wheelbarrow" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And let me tell you, it sucked. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You can't say "it sucked" [br]in a college essay. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When you use language like that, [br]you know what "it sucks" means? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You're referring to sucking dick. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So what Harris just said is like, uh, [br]"hey, university, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you know what volunteering [br]and helping people reminded me of? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Putting a penis in my mouth [br]and sucking it 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 till it comes in my chubby little cheeks. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Later on, he talks about a particularly [br]crazy day at the hospital. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "A week after I started, [br]the incident occurred. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I set foot in the hospital that day, [br]it was more crowded than ever. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There weren't any nurses asking me [br]if I want cookies" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that's his gauge of how crazy [br]things are at the hospital? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Why isn't anyone asking me [br]if I want cookies? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but what happened that day was Harris[br]ended up meeting a gentleman 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who was illiterate, and he'd never met [br]anyone illiterate before, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and this really affected him. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He described how he felt [br]when he drove home that day. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I remembered thinking how bizarre [br]it was that someone could not read. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What if I couldn't read? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I wouldn't be able to text my friends [br]movie times or even order cheese biscuits 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 from Red Lobster. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 these are the things that come to harris'[br]mind when he imagines 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a world where he can't read. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 First of all, you could easily do both [br]those things if you couldn't read. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I don't think illiterate people see [br]movie posters and numbers 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and are like, "no clue what that means. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Can't pieсe that together". 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 now, the red lobster thing is weird also,[br]'cause I don't know how many 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of you all have been to red lobster, [br]but if you've been there, you know 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 no one orders the cheese biscuits; [br]those are complimentary. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They just sit 'em down at your [br]table as soon as you get there. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So what's harris talking about? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm guessing this is what happens. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He finishes his biscuits, and he sees [br]on the menu it says, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "if you finish your biscuits, feel free [br]to order more" he's like, "whew! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank god I can read. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 More biscuits please!" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so I told him, I said, "Harris, [br]you can't send this essay. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's too crazy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let me do a rewrite." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I did a rewrite, which he rejected, [br]but I will share with you now. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I once volunteered at a hospital. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It sucked dick, but I did [br]get to eat free cookies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And let me tell you, [br]I will suck dick for cookies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 One day, I met a man who was illiterate. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It really affected me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It made me realize the world [br]is full of great tragedies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 9/11, The time I overcooked that [br]hot pocket, and here, this man. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He couldn't read. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How would he find a box of [br]bagel bites at the grocery store? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even if he found the box of [br]bagel bites, how would he read 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the directions to cook the bagel bites? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I ate six of 'em one day, [br]and it was disgusting. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My name is Harris. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I hope you consider accepting [br]me into your university. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 By the way, during registration, [br]will there be free cookies, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or will I need to suck someone's dick? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Life's a dirty game. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You gotta play dirty to win it" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cheers and applause] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I used to kid Harris for being chubby, [br]but he's actually not chubby anymore. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He had a growth spurt, [br]and he stretched out. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He's fine. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But a few months ago, I was actually [br]worried that I was getting chubby. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I saw a photo of me on the internet, [br]and in the comments, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 someone wrote, "whoa! [br]Who ate Aziz Ansari?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If someone ate me, they wouldn't [br]assume my form all of a sudden. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Why do you look like that g--"[br]- I just ate him! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but the person was right. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I gained 12 pounds. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So I started exercising at the gym, [br]lost the weight right away. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But I didn't always like the stuff [br]the people at the gym would tell me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They would say things like, "hey, Aziz, [br]you see this new study on yahoo news? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It says any food you would have to eat [br]after 11:00 goes straight 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to your belly you should cut out [br]those late night snacks. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I would always want [br]to say, "oh, really? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's this other study I heard about [br]that says, uh, if you have a lot of 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 alcohol in your system and you eat [br]a quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's delicious. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Yeah. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I did that study last night. Twice." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [cheers and applause] But I love food. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I love going out to eat at [br]restaurants and stuff. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It's really something I like a lot. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was eating at one of my favorite [br]restaurants in New York not too long ago, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I was having dinner with [br]a friend, and he's like, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "aziz, what have you been up to?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I said, "shut up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need [br]to hear everything he says" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And 50 cent did not disappoint. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 50 Cent the rapper ordered [br]a grapefruit soda. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then 50 cent said the greatest thing [br]anyone could ever say 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when they see a grapefruit soda. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He looks at the waiter, and [br]he goes, "Why isn't this purple?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it took me a few seconds, [br]and then I realized, "oh, my god. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Excuse me, everybody [br]in the restaurant, shut up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A waiter's about to explain to [br]a grown man what a grapefruit is." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you realize how amazing this is? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There are parents that aren't there [br]when their children 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 learns what a grapefruit is. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I am there for that moment [br]in rapper 50 cent's life. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This guy leaves the restaurant, [br]he's gonna know about a new fruit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the exchange was just glorious. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The waiter struggling to explain the[br]concept of a grapefruit to a man 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who just didn't get it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He was like, "no, you don't understand. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They're two different things. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Grape, grapefruit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Grape, grapefruit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I know grapes are fruits.[br]Why do you keep saying it like that?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 no, it's just one word. Grapefruit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you know, it's just one-- [br]it's a different--" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit, [br]orange-fruit, carrot-vegetable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No that's not it at all. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it just blew my mind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How does 50 cent not know [br]what a grapefruit is? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This guy's been rich for so long. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He has to run into a grapefruit [br]every now and then. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I do okay. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I see grapefruits every fucking day. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What happens when he sees a grapefruit? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Is he just like: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "What's up with those oranges? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They're all red and shit. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they're big as fuck! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They're looking at me weird![br]Shot those niggas! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 [imitates gunfire]