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[Jazz music]

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[cheers and applause] Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you very much.

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Alright.

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Washington, D.C.

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Thank you so much for 
coming out to the taping

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for my second stand-up special.

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[cheers and applause] 
Very excited to be here.

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Uh... Before we start the show, 
I know there's probably

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some signs up saying, 
no photos and things of that nature,

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and that's just because 
obviously we're taping this.

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And also, when I do these shows, 
people can start taking photos,

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and there'll be a lot of 
flashing and orange lights,

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and it can be a little 
distracting when I'm trying

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to focus on the performance.

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But what I've realized is 
that, uh, people don't give a shit,

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and they take photos anyway, 
because there are some shitty people

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that come to these shows.

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I mean, look how many people are here.

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Some of you are shitty people.

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There's no question.

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If we met in any other context 
besides you paying me money

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to see me tell jokes, 
I'm sure there are some

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of you I would hate with a passion.

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No question about it.

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I really hate some of you a lot.

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So what I thought we could 
do as a compromise--

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right now, before I start the show,

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I understand people like photos and stuff,

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so right now, before we start the show,

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I'm gonna pretend like 
I'm in the middle of a joke,

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and you can take as many 
photos as you want,

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and then after that, 
we'll have a great show, okay?

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(laughter) (cheering)

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So here we go, if you want to snap a photo

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go for it.

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(laughter)

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(laughter and chuckling)

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Some fake joke where I need to go through

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a crawl space.

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Let's act like uh, let's act like an

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incident happened with a audience member.

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Like sir, could you stand up 
and act like you're yelling at me--

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about something?

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(laughter and applause)

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So... you can show that photo
to people and tell 'em

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"Yeah at one point in the show 
this guy just stood up

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and was like whites are the superior race"

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And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,
sir, you need to sit down."

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All right, cool, everybody good with
photos and everything?

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Thank you so much for coming out
I really appreciate you coming out

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Thank you so much.

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I live, uh - I live in New York right now.

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[audience cheers] And--yes.

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And I'm single right now, and--

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(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.

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You don't mean that shit. (laughter)

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And whenever I go out to bars there,

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I have this one friend of mine.

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He's one of these guys 
he's like, "Aw, man.

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Any cute girl you see, 
just go talk to her, man.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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Any cute girl you see, 
just say something,

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anything, it doesn't matter what.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?"

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I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

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That girl is gonna be mean as shit 
to me for no reason at all.

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Why do I want to deal with that?

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- Hi how are you? 
- Fuck you!

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All right. I'll see you later.

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I'll go talk to my friend Brian. 
He's always nice to me.

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And, sure, that's a little bit 
of an exaggeration,

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but that is how it feels sometimes.

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I once went up to this girl 
'cause I thought

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she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

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I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" 
and she said, "Thank you,"

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and we started talking, 
and she seemed nice.

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Then at one point, her friend comes over,

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and when the girl's friend comes over,

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she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.

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He came to talk to me 'cause 
he thought I had a cool bag,"

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and rolled her eyes.

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And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.

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No reason to do that.

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I was just being nice," right?

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So I said to myself right there,

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"Whenever I leave this conversation,

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I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

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And... I really like her bag."

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So, at one point,

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we're sitting there talking,

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and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "

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"Hey what's that over there?"

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and then I stole her purse.

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Yeah.

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That bag's mine now.

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I never know what to say 
to girls in situations like that.

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It's always so awkward.

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I was having lunch 
with a friend of mine once,

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and I told him, 
"Hey, there's this one girl

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that works in this restaurant.

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She's so cute, but I don't know what to
say to her

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and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do

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is go over there and be honest 
with her for a minute."

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Really? That's all I gotta do?

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So I just need to walk over--

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"Excuse me, miss.

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I just need to be real honest 
with you for a minute.

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I eat here all the time, 
and when I do, I stare at your face.

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And I imagine us fucking 
while I eat my sandwiches.

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Let me know if you'd like to turn 
my fantasy into your reality."

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I'm not sure that would work out too well.

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People always give you 
the same dumb advice

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in situations like that.

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They'll say things like, 
"Oh just leave her a big tip."

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How does that work?

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I just walk over-- "Yes, 
can I get a muffin, please?

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Here's $100.

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I think you know what that means.

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I'm willing to have sex 
with you for the price of $98."

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I was doing that joke 
one night, and this guy

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in the audience just yells, 
"Just tell her you're on TV."

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Yeah.

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There's no way I'll sound 
like a jerk if I do that, right?

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"Excuse me, miss.

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I'm on TV.

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(clears throat) ... I said...

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I'm on TV.

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I don't know what's going 
on here, but this is the part

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where you start sucking my dick

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I guess that's what some dudes 
think being on tv's like.

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I just walk into bars
"What's up everybody?

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Just so you know someone that's appeared 
on television is here.

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So if you're interested in giving me a 
handjob in the restroom let's line up

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to the left."

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No. That's not how it works at all.

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How it works is I walk into a bar and
5 dudes are like

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"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw
on that thing!

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Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't 
believe you're here

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You've gotta take a photo with me
and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-

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though, we gotta drive there now."
That doesn't sound safe.

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I was in a relationship for a few years 
and I think

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while I was in the relationship
all dating communication went exclusively-

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to text. You can't call anybody anymore.

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You call someone and they're like
"What? Are you on fire?

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Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."

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And I don't like texting people. 
Especially girls because there's always

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miscommunication that happens.

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This is a situation I get into all the 
time.

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I'll text a girl, she texts me back 
right away.

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I text her right away. 
She texts me back right away.

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I text her back right away, 
She texts me back right away.

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I text her back right away
She texts me back right away.

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Then I'll say something like 
"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--

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on Tuesday?"
And then I don't hear anything.

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And I'm like "What just happened? 
I know you read that shit. You responded--

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to 20 other things I just sent.
What do you not like me anymore?

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You don't have two seconds to say
'yes I want to get pizza?'

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or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"

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What did you chuck your phone into
a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--

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a few hours? What's the deal?

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And after a few hours of no response
I get real upset.

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And I just want to send a text that says
something like

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"Well guess who just got invited 
to the pizza party?

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You didn't 'cus I hate you now."

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Girl always writes something back
"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-

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we had to turn off our phones."

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Whatever we're done. 
I finished that pizza hours ago.

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I'm up with my friend Brian and he's 
nice to me.

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I went out with this girl in LA 
a few times. 


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She was really nice and last time I was in
LA, I called her up.

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And asked her out to dinner and she's 
like "Yeah, sure"

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Then 2 hours before our date she calls me 
up and she goes

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"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner
with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.

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Now is that a problem?"

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And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest
problem we could have.

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Why would I go out with you 
if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"

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What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets
to this carnival but you can't ride--

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any rides, is that a problem?
Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--

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those rides, that's the whole point of me
going to the carnival.

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These tickets you gave me are useless.

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Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of
Amazon but I shipped it to my friend

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Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?

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Yeah that's a problem, 
that's not my address!

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And I don't have Lisa's contact info
and now she makes your paninis,

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I really want one. 
What's the best case scenario?

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We go out on this amazing dinner date,
have a fantastic time, come back to my--

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place. She's like "Aziz I had a really 
time at dinner tonight and I wanna give

195
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my 
boyfriend's penis instead of yours.

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Is that a problem?"

197
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're 
gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--

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at my house.

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's always kinda depressing to me when I
talk to girls who have boyfriends.

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Because when you ask then how they met 
their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.

201
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Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was
doing volunteer work and one day he said

202
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something nice to me and gave me a flower
and we started going out."

203
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
No. It's always a story like "I was at 
the club and this guy came up to me and

204
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was like 'I've been staring at your ass 
all night. Is it cool if I take you out

205
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"

206
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Why would you say yes to that?

207
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'I don't know what's the worst that
could happen?'

208
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What's the worst that could happen?
He could put something in your drink

209
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and rape you, 
that's the worst that could happen.

210
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He could murder you and use your legs to 
make stilts that look like legs.


211
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Another thing that could happen.

212
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But that's my problem is that I think too 
much.

213
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Go to a bar and watch people, you see two 
different types of guys.

214
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There's one type of guy, that's a guy like
me.

215
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin
to each other

216
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't 
know, I don't know, I don't know.

217
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Let's just talk to each 
other tonight Brian.'

218
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Then, there's a second type of dude: 
The dumb dudes.

219
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They're at the bar, they don't care about
anything. They're like

220
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop
it in a beer with a bunch of other shit

221
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ubleeeeheeeeheee, 
I'll sing anything to anybody.

222
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."

223
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Then they go up to some girl and they're
like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,

224
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ah, I just wanted to say you look really
beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one

225
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
day I'd be able to put my hands on 
your titties. My name's Kevin."

226
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my 
boyfriend for 3 years?"

227
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really 
shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever

228
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I want?"

229
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never 
break up with you."

230
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Then they leave together. Meanwhile...
I finally get up my courage:

231
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Uh, that's a nice jacket."

232
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Get the fuck outta my face."

233
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And then some Indian dude that 
recognizes me from the tv

234
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
will invite me back 
to his dorm to play video games.

235
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.

236
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You ever at a party and you're talking to 
a guy and you think "Wow, this guy

237
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met 
maybe all year, what a dumb person

238
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I cannot wait to get outta this 
conversation with this dumb person"

239
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And they say something like 
"Yeah and I got two kids, "

240
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.
You can't have two kids you're so stupid.

241
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What are you doing raising kids? You're 
so dumb! You're raising murderers."

242
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This happens to me all the time. It's so 
terrifying.

243
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was talking to a dude at a party who is
26 years old, had a three year old son.

244
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" 
And then a few minutes later

245
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I overheard him telling a group of people 
the story about how a week earlier he'd

246
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni 
and cheese.

247
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
woah,

248
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl
of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid

249
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are 
over.

250
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And he's sitting here telling people this 
story. And he's like

251
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Yeah and then I put the condom on" 
and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--

252
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not 
trying to get cheese all over my dick ."

253
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
As if that were a totally reasonable
thing to say.

254
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
As if I were the weird one for even 
bringing up the question.

255
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.

256
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I told him, " You don' understand
in this situation, putting the condom on

257
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
makes everything way worse." 'Cus that 
means the whole time he went to go find a

258
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
box of condoms, open the box of condoms,
take the condom out, open the condom

259
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go 
back to the macaroni.

260
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That whole time he never once thought, 
"You know what, maybe I don't need to

261
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe
I could do literally anything else and it

262
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
would be a better use of my time. "

263
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
How are you gonna do something like that 
when you have a kid?

264
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What if his kid saw that? He'd never be 
able to tell that kid anything.

265
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Hey be nice to be people, do good in 
school."

266
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni
and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--

267
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
advice? By the way I'm three years old, my
language skills are very impressive,

268
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Maybe I should just ride this shit out on
my own."

269
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(crowd cheering)

270
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I have, uh, internet access right now. 
'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm

271
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
sure some of you guys are online as well. 
And I like the internet, but it's really

272
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
annoying sometimes. Like does this 
situation happen to you?

273
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You're sitting at your computer, working
on something really important. And you

274
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made
more money than Home Alone 1.

275
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I gotta look into this now. Sorry, 
important work, something more pressing

276
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
has come up. I do stuff like 
that all the time.

277
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And what's so annoying is that once I 
start looking into one thing,

278
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'll see something else I want to 
research.

279
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
For example, In the Home Alone situation.
Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like

280
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, 
I don't know much about Joe Pesci.

281
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Maybe I should learn everything about
Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing

282
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
all this Joe Pesci research. And now
I know so much about Joe Pesci.

283
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But it's useless information, It's never
going to help me.

284
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I never heard of a situation where a guy
been in an alley doing the knife,

285
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"You're gonna die tonight unless you can 
tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci

286
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
put out when he was a little kid."
"Little Joe sure can sing."

287
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so 
many people know that? I need to stop

288
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my 
murders. People know more about him than

289
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I anticipated."

290
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I always waste time like that. 
The other night I was up late, I remember

291
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I've never seen any of those Saw movies 
before. They're not supposed to be

292
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
particularly good movies. But my friend 
told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the

293
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."
And I love twists at the end of movies.

294
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw
ending' and sure enough the clip comes up

295
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz
you didn't see the rest of the movie, the

296
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
clip won't make sense."

297
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went
on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the

298
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
plot summary and when I got to the last 
paragraph, I stopped.

299
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Then I went back and watched that video. 
And let me tell you I did not see that--

300
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
coming."

301
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Someone recently sent me a password 
to one of those online porn sites.

302
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the password worked.

303
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I don't know if anyone here's 
ever had membership access

304
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to any of those sites, 
but it is incredible.

305
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you're kind of on the fence, 
like, "i don't know, it just doesn't

306
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
seem like it would be 
worth it to spend--" do it.

307
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, the trend in these sites 
is they try to make it seem

308
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
like this stuff all really happened.

309
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Like this is real life.

310
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
These aren't actors, 
this stuff really happened.

311
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So they have dumb names like 
"RealLifeDickParty.com"

312
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and the videos are all the same.

313
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
These guys go up to 
some girls, they're like,

314
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"excuse me, you girls want to come back 
to our place and have a dick party?"

315
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and the girls are always like "Yeah!" 
and they get in their car,

316
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they drive back to the house, 
they have sex, they film it, and it goes

317
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
RealLifeDickParty.com!

318
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Does anyone think those clips are real?

319
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If they want people to think it's real, 
every now and then,

320
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they should have a clip where 
some guys go up to some girls, like,

321
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"excuse me, uh, you girls want 
to come back to our place

322
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and have a dick party?"

323
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and the girl's like, "what?

324
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's disgusting!

325
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Get out of here you asshole!"
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

326
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
then you're at home like, 
"man, I guess it is real.

327
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Those girls didn't want to 
have a dick party at all.

328
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They just continued on "

329
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
now, the first video I watched 
on the site, these guys go

330
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
into a doughnut shop, right?

331
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And they're talking to the girls 
in the doughnut shop, they're like,

332
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"hey, so, what do you think of us 
maybe giving you some money,

333
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and then we can hook up 
in the back of the donut shop"

334
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and the girl's like, 
"Ok that sounds good!"

335
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
she was not a very good actress.

336
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So they go in the back, 
and they start hooking up.

337
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So there's a guy hooking up 
with a girl in the back

338
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
of a doughnut shop.

339
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, this guy eventually does 
what any reasonable person

340
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
would do in that situation, 
and he puts a doughnut around his dick.

341
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, the woman is performing 
fellatio-type services,

342
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and she's getting dangerously 
close to this doughnut.

343
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And then at one point, she just 
takes a bite of the doughnut.

344
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I don't know why, 
but as soon as that happened,

345
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!

346
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What an amazing choice by that actress!

347
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I wonder if that was improvised, 
like the doughnut was just there, ..

348
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[chomps] .. And the director 
is just [mouthing]

349
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But what does that say about me 
as a person that I got so excited?

350
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I guess I just like food too much.

351
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's a good thing I don't write 
the scripts for those videos.

352
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My script would be like, 
"all right, so, you pick this girl up

353
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
in los angeles, and you drop her off 
at this restaurant called animal,

354
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and she orders the 
hamachi tostada, the poutine,

355
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the rabbit legs, and the 
strawberry pound cake.

356
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And they bring her everything, and 
she's like, 'oh, my god,

357
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
this looks so good'

358
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And she eats everything.

359
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There's not a bite left.

360
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.

361
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Maybe the best meal I've had all year. 
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

362
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you know what's weird about 
that doughnut video is,

363
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.

364
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Which means they had to pay 
a doughnut shop owner

365
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to use that as a location.

366
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But I guess if you're a doughnut shop 
owner, the risk is pretty low.

367
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What are the chances of someone 
at home watching the video and going,

368
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"oh, no, that's where 
I get my doughnuts from!

369
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's what goes on back there?

370
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I just thought they were putting 
chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"

371
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but that's got to be 
happening to some dude.

372
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They film all these videos 
in the same town, I imagine.

373
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There's gotta be some dude 
waking up every morning like,

374
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"oh, no, not the bank too!

375
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was supposed to make a deposit today!

376
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And there's jizz everywhere!"

377
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I always thought the best thing 
that could happen in the doughnut video

378
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, 
and then she just starts walking away.

379
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the guy's like, 
"Hey where are you going?"

380
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and she's like, 
"i wasn't trying to suck your dick.

381
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.

382
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That looked delicious.

383
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Bob's doughnuts.

384
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The best doughnuts in town.

385
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We won't make you suck a dick for years"

386
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was doing a show one night, 
and they had a woman signing my entire act

387
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to the left of the stage, and whenever 
I got to that punch line

388
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
STOP 21:05

389
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
where I said "Jizz everywhere!"

390
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
she went like this.
And.. It was amazing.


391
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I said Jizz everywhere a few more times
just to make sure

392
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I understood what was going on

393
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Coz that had to be an on-the-fly
sign for "Jizz everywhere"

394
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
She's like "Ok.. There's jizz
Oh.. oh It's everywhere"

395
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Coz everywhere can't be like 
[Nasal Eeeehhhhh]

396
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You'd look crazy;
Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere'

397
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Hey, I'm new in town. 
Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"

398
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Oh, those are everywhere!

399
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here"

400
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's gotta be custom for 'jizz'

401
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Jizz everywhere, the sealing the carpet the walls the plates

402
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the tupperware the television, I don't know what

403
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
happened but it's everywhere and I'm really

404
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
sorry about it. Also know that jizz is just (silly sound)

405
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that's jizz. (mimics sound)

406
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
No more thought went into that.

407
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Guys up late developing sign language, uhh, guys I'm

408
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
really tired, can we pick up tomorrow. I'm really beat

409
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I really need some sleep. A few more words? Fine.

410
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz!

411
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'What if it's everywhere?'

412
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's Jizz everywhere!

413
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
How come I get all the dirty words? Brian got puppy

414
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I got jizz everywhere?

415
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the only reason I bring this up is, you know

416
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
it can be days from now, weeks from now

417
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
months from now, years from now, but one day

418
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
one of you guys could be walking around

419
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and see a Deaf person about to walk into

420
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a room where there's jizz everywhere

421
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and you'd be like (signs)

422
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and they'll be like (signs)

423
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and they'll head somewhere else, free of jizz.

424
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm from South Carolina and. thank you. and whenever

425
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I tell people that they're always like "(gasp) oh no.

426
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but it's so racist there, (whispers) and your skin is brown"

427
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"how did you survive?"

428
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be

429
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
pretty racist, more racist than other parts of the country.

430
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But what these people forget is that the food there

431
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina it's

432
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
kind of like "oh that guy just say the N-word?

433
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, never mind"

434
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"nom nom nom nom nom nom"

435
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Even if right now, some dude stood up and was like "hey

436
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but

437
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
afterwards I'm going to give you a biscuit."

438
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'd be like "that's a weird deal, but I'll take it"

439
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Cause I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit.

440
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act

441
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like

442
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever

443
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen

444
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
everywhere. I have a friend in LA, he's Korean right?

445
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And he got locked out of his appartment.

446
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So he called a locksmith, ok?

447
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the locksmith is getting all his info

448
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like

449
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that?

450
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy

451
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are

452
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him.

453
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow'

454
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
so this locksmith does no business with Korean American.

455
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would

456
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
have to call him before economically he couldn't afford

457
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to be that racist?

458
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Like, what if Korean people just kept calling?

459
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would

460
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
have made five thousand dollars yesterday

461
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
if I didn't hate Korean people.

462
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy

463
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
America. They can't even find their keys."

464
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But then weirdly, that steriotype would get

465
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
integrated into his racism. Like he would see

466
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess,

467
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent)

468
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?"

469
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like

470
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"ha! There's something you don't see everyday"

471
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Korean dude actually had his keys for once"

472
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?"

473
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"na na na na na na na, they're in your house."

474
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist.

475
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs.

476
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that?

477
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like

478
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board"

479
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
No one was lost.

480
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
How are racist things like that so ubiquitous?

481
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
At one point do our parents sit us down

482
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian

483
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
people is 'ching chong, bing bong'"

484
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Don't ever say it to them"

485
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Well if they say something racist to you,

486
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I don't know. I gotta get out of here.

487
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Don't touch that macaroni"

488
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter]

489
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs

490
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and see if I could learn anything, and I found

491
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a very interesting article. It was titled

492
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'list of every ethnic slur'

493
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them.

494
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and if it's cool with you guys, I would now

495
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
like to share a few of my favorites.

496
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok?

497
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So they're offensive. They're offensive by their

498
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one

499
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and you're offended, there's no reason to be like

500
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"ahhhwwwoooo"

501
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
because we all know they're offensive.

502
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So instead you can shut your fucking mouth.

503
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
At the same time though

504
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
At the same time, I don't want to do this

505
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
bit and look at the audience and see some

506
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!"

507
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]"

508
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end

509
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs.

510
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory

511
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly

512
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
caucasian ancestry with real or suspected

513
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
distent Asian or African ancestry.

514
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, this is a pretty specific situation

515
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh

516
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is

517
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush"

518
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush"

519
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]"

520
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry

521
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
in your predominantly Caucasian face?"

522
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Some of the racial slurs, uh

523
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
contained other racial slurs within themselves

524
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient

525
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to me. For example, there was one for Native American

526
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word.

527
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Whenever I hear that, I imagine this synario

528
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Some guy's talking to a Native American dude

529
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Get out of here prairie N-word"

530
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Some black guy's like "what'd you say?"

531
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you."

532
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter]

533
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Step off"

534
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's

535
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would

536
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you say that to?"

537
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.

538
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it.

539
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer"

540
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Anyone have a guess on that one?

541
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Christ killer. Who would you say that to?

542
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Christ killer, killer of Christ.

543
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Did someone say Jewish people? No!

544
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people

545
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
who hate Asians so much, they blame them

546
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for the death of Christ.

547
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Christ killer" "But I'm Asian"

548
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"I know. Why do you think God created locks?"

549
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ"

550
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But what I learned reading that list though

551
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is that I think you can make anything sound

552
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice

553
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful.

554
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now.

555
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity?

556
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat!

557
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Quit laughing kitkat!

558
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
See? That started to sound real racist.

559
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah.

560
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person.

561
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Aziz must be emplying that he's brown on the outside,

562
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
wafer like on the inside. [laughter]

563
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour

564
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting.

565
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than

566
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys

567
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
were at one point the biggest band in the world.

568
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Preforming at arinas and stuff. But at the same time they

569
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin

570
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
all the time. My body could just not take anything like that.

571
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!"

572
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did

573
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?"

574
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy

575
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and fell off a building" [laughter]

576
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They have all these insane stories about girls. Like

577
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right?

578
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night

579
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside

580
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter]

581
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Was a motley crew guy just running around

582
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas

583
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her.

584
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

585
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with

586
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
soap and water? No! That won't work!

587
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Why? I don't know!"

588
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The

589
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend.

590
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter]

591
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That story is the quintessential difference between

592
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a comedy tour, and a rock tour.

593
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like

594
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas

595
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
off my dick"

596
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter]

597
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I like touring, the only thing 
I don't like is the actual

598
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
travel itself. Because people can 
be so rude when you're

599
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
traveling. The rudest person I 
ever met in my entire life is

600
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the eastern European customs lady 
at the Turanto airport.

601
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What's that lady's problem? 
Why's she gotta be so rude?

602
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Customs people are the first people you 
meet when you go to a new country.

603
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
They should be nice, welcoming.

604
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes

605
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"what you are doing here?! [shouting]"

606
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter]

607
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?"

608
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?"

609
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like "you know, 
like, filming a movie"

610
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
She goes "I know what 
it means filming movie. I mean

611
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
are you doing the lights? Are you acting?

612
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Are you directing? 
I could do without your sarcasm."

613
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like, "Why are you being so mean?

614
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I said something and you went 
'what it mean shooting movie.'

615
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and
I'm trying to explane things to you."

616
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter]

617
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I'm stunned you know what 
the word sarcams means

618
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
your English is slightly better 
than Animal from the Muppet Babies.

619
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And you're yelling at me 
like a psychopath.

620
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I got my stamp and I walked on. 
But I kind of

621
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
wish I had forgotten the stamp 
and turned around

622
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and was like "Guess what?! I lied!"

623
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And then pulled out a DVD 
of Jurassic Park and a

624
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
hand gun, and was like 
"this is what I mean shooting movie"

625
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Bang bang bang bang bang"

626
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[laughter]

627
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Passengers can also be rude to you also.

628
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was flying home once and I 
was sitting next

629
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to this couple. They had these 
two puppies, that they put

630
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
under the seats infront of us.

631
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, there was an older 
couple sitting there

632
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and they said "Hey, you guys mind 
moving the puppies

633
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
over a little bit so we can put 
our jackets under there?"

634
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the lady with the 
puppies is like, "um, no!

635
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We have two puppies, 
they need all the room.

636
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Thank you very much"

637
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I was like, "Whoa.
Why'd you need

638
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to be so rude about that?"

639
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And then she started 
talking to her husband.

640
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
She's like, "Ugh, can you believe
those people, asking us

641
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to move the puppies for their jackets?

642
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What kind of nerve they have!
Who do they think they are?!"

643
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like, "I fucking hate this lady."

644
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

645
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So I started chiming in.

646
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like, "Yeah, I heard that.

647
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I couldn't believe they'd 
ask something like that.

648
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Those people are awful!
Those people are terrible!

649
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Those people deserve to be murdered."

650
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

651
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I didn't say another 
word the whole flight.

652
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

653
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And then the flight lands.

654
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the old couple gets up, 
they leave the plane.

655
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The young couple's about to get up, 
but I hold them down and I go,

656
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"No, no. I got this."

657
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I step over them and I start 
following the old people, right?

658
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The young couple's behind me.

659
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
We get outside the airport,
I pull out the gun

660
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that I have from the previous joke--

661
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

662
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Loaded two bullets.

663
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I aim it at the old people, 
but then I spin around

664
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and I aim it at the puppies.
BANG! BANG!

665
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I shoot both those puppies in the face.

666
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I go, "Never be 
rude to the elderly again!

667
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Have fun burying your dead puppies."

668
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter and applause)

669
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I know what some of you are thinking.

670
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Oh no, why the puppies get shot?!

671
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The puppies didn't do anything."

672
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I didn't really shoot any puppies.

673
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You were being stupid.

674
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

675
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I have met some really interesting people on

676
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
tour. One of my favorite people that I've met

677
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
was this gentleman who once picked

678
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
me up from the airport and drove me to the venue.

679
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I was talking to this guy, and

680
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like "What did you do before you were

681
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard"

682
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?"

683
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus

684
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah

685
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
out of all the people you've body guarded for

686
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
who was the toughest person to do security for?

687
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Who had the craziest fans?"

688
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cheer"

689
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Craziest fans. Pauly Shore"

690
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong

691
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man

692
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
can you leave Pauly Shore along? Thanks."

693
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone."

694
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

695
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And then I asked him "What did you do

696
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
before you were a celebrity body guard?"

697
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour buss."

698
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I said, "How was that?"

699
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He goes "Not fun"

700
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I said "Why?"

701
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one

702
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder."

703
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

704
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That was not what I was expecting him to say.

705
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

706
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate"

707
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And he told me the story. And basically, any time

708
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
he was driving the buss, at one point, one of

709
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Madonna's dancers would just

710
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on

711
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
his shoulder and this happened so many times

712
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
he had to quit his job and get into a new profession.

713
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

714
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But I guess that would make you quit any job.

715
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You could be a lawyer, and people'd go

716
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?"

717
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm.

718
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And every time I presented a case, he put his dick

719
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now

720
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I work at Quizno's"

721
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder

722
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for three hours a day. If at some point, another

723
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder

724
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the

725
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
fuck is this? I never signed up for that.

726
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three

727
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we

728
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
signed man. The language is very specific.

729
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows

730
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and toes now. We have a deal. You know what?

731
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's fine. If this is how you guys run things

732
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't

733
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
need this shit"

734
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter and clapping)

735
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes

736
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to update you on one of my favorite people in the world.

737
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And that's my chubby little cousin Harris.

738
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives

739
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids

740
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on

741
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
what he's been up to.

742
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Uhhhh, Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't

743
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do

744
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
check up on him regurlary on his facebook page and

745
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
read his status uptates.

746
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He recently had a quote up there.

747
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And the quote said, "life's a dirty game

748
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter)

749
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one.

750
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original.

751
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's not from season four of The Wire.

752
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once

753
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
tole me his favorite food is hot pockets.

754
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

755
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game,

756
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you've gotta play dirty to win it."

757
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
When has Harris played dirty in life?

758
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I can only think of one instance, it's when

759
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
he's playing Halo, because as soon as the

760
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
board starts, he always knows where the rocket

761
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
launchers are and he grabs them and starts

762
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does

763
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo

764
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
with him anymore.

765
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
(laughter)

766
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now I'm sure there's some people here

767
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that have never played Halo, and that doesn't

768
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
make any sense, so I will give you an analogy.

769
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Okay? It would be as if you were playing

770
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten

771
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and landed on park place. And then Harris

772
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
came in with a rocket launcher and blew

773
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
everybody up. (laughter)

774
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Last time I spoke with Harris, I said

775
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"What's been going on?" and he said

776
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"I'm applying for college, is there any way

777
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you can help me with my college essays?"

778
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're

779
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write

780
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is going to be insane. So I can read it to

781
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
people in public and it'll help me with

782
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
my job." (laughter and cheering)

783
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So I brought along a copy of his essay.

784
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And this is 100% real. The essay is titled,

785
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'All the Small Things'

786
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Take the thumb, even though it is just

787
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
another finger it is the most essential.

788
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It controls everything from eating and drinking

789
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to writing. Interestingly enough I have found

790
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
many things in life to be the same way."

791
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Already the essay makes no sense.

792
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
When's the last time something interesting

793
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
in your life happened, and you thought

794
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'this reminds me of my thumb'?

795
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Never.

796
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He goes on, "It's always the simple things

797
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that have the greatest impact.

798
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
The splitting of an atom caused the death

799
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned

800
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter)

801
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
With the simple notion of vending machines

802
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two

803
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
things are comperible.

804
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
200,000 people are dead! And you can rent

805
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Mrs. Doubtfire at the 
grocery store now. (laughter)

806
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He goes on to describe a particurlarly

807
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
interesting summer where he volunteered at

808
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
a local hospital. This is how he described

809
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that experience. 
"I was a human wheelbarrow"

810
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And let me tell you, it sucked.

811
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You can't say "it sucked" 
in a college essay.

812
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
When you use language like that, 
you know what "it sucks" means?

813
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You're referring to sucking dick.

814
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So what Harris just said is like, uh, 
"hey, university,

815
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you know what volunteering 
and helping people reminded me of?

816
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Putting a penis in my mouth 
and sucking it

817
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
till it comes in my chubby little cheeks.

818
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Later on, he talks about a particularly 
crazy day at the hospital.

819
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"A week after I started, 
the incident occurred.

820
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
When I set foot in the hospital that day, 
it was more crowded than ever.

821
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
There weren't any nurses asking me 
if I want cookies"

822
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that's his gauge of how crazy 
things are at the hospital?

823
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Why isn't anyone asking me 
if I want cookies?

824
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
[scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer"

825
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but what happened that day was Harris
ended up meeting a gentleman

826
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
who was illiterate, and he'd never met 
anyone illiterate before,

827
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and this really affected him.

828
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
He described how he felt 
when he drove home that day.

829
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"I remembered thinking how bizarre 
it was that someone could not read.

830
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
What if I couldn't read?

831
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
I wouldn't be able to text my friends 
movie times or even order cheese biscuits

832
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
from [...]