WEBVTT 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Jazz music] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] Thank you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Alright. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Washington, D.C. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much for coming out to the taping 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for my second stand-up special. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [cheers and applause] Very excited to be here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Uh... Before we start the show, I know there's probably 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that's just because obviously we're taping this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to focus on the performance. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what I've realized is that, uh, people don't give a shit, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that come to these shows. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I mean, look how many people are here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some of you are shitty people. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no question. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If we met in any other context besides you paying me money 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of you I would hate with a passion. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No question about it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really hate some of you a lot. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So what I thought we could do as a compromise-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 right now, before I start the show, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I understand people like photos and stuff, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so right now, before we start the show, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you can take as many photos as you want, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then after that, we'll have a great show, okay? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) (cheering) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So here we go, if you want to snap a photo 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 go for it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and chuckling) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some fake joke where I need to go through 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a crawl space. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's act like uh, let's act like an 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 incident happened with a audience member. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 about something? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and applause) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So... you can show that photo to people and tell 'em 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah at one point in the show this guy just stood up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and was like whites are the superior race" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool, sir, you need to sit down." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All right, cool, everybody good with photos and everything? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much for coming out I really appreciate you coming out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you so much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I live, uh - I live in New York right now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [audience cheers] And--yes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I'm single right now, and-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (audience cheers) Oh, shut up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You don't mean that shit. (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And whenever I go out to bars there, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have this one friend of mine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He's one of these guys he's like, "Aw, man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Any cute girl you see, just say something, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 anything, it doesn't matter what. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's gonna happen?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why do I want to deal with that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 - Hi how are you? - Fuck you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All right. I'll see you later. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll go talk to my friend Brian. He's always nice to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but that is how it feels sometimes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she had a cool purse on her shoulder. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "Thank you," 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and we started talking, and she seemed nice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then at one point, her friend comes over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and when the girl's friend comes over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag," 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and rolled her eyes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No reason to do that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was just being nice," right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I said to myself right there, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Whenever I leave this conversation, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And... I really like her bag." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, at one point, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we're sitting there talking, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey what's that over there?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then I stole her purse. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That bag's mine now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I never know what to say to girls in situations like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's always so awkward. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was having lunch with a friend of mine once, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I told him, "Hey, there's this one girl 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that works in this restaurant. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's so cute, but I don't know what to say to her 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is go over there and be honest with her for a minute." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Really? That's all I gotta do? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I just need to walk over-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Excuse me, miss. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just need to be real honest with you for a minute. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy into your reality." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm not sure that would work out too well. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 People always give you the same dumb advice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in situations like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They'll say things like, "Oh just leave her a big tip." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How does that work? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just walk over-- "Yes, can I get a muffin, please? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Here's $100. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I think you know what that means. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm willing to have sex with you for the price of $98." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was doing that joke one night, and this guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in the audience just yells, "Just tell her you're on TV." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Excuse me, miss. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm on TV. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (clears throat) ... I said... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm on TV. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 where you start sucking my dick 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just walk into bars "What's up everybody? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Just so you know someone that's appeared on television is here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So if you're interested in giving me a handjob in the restroom let's line up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to the left." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No. That's not how it works at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How it works is I walk into a bar and 5 dudes are like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw on that thing! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't believe you're here 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You've gotta take a photo with me and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 though, we gotta drive there now." That doesn't sound safe. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was in a relationship for a few years and I think 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 while I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to text. You can't call anybody anymore. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You call someone and they're like "What? Are you on fire? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Quit wasting my time, text me that shit." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't like texting people. Especially girls because there's always 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 miscommunication that happens. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This is a situation I get into all the time. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll text a girl, she texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I text her right away. She texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I text her back right away, She texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I text her back right away She texts me back right away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then I'll say something like "Alright cool, so you want to get pizza-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 on Tuesday?" And then I don't hear anything. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I'm like "What just happened? I know you read that shit. You responded-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to 20 other things I just sent. What do you not like me anymore? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You don't have two seconds to say 'yes I want to get pizza?' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What did you chuck your phone into a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a few hours? What's the deal? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And after a few hours of no response I get real upset. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I just want to send a text that says something like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Well guess who just got invited to the pizza party? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You didn't 'cus I hate you now." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Girl always writes something back "Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we had to turn off our phones." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Whatever we're done. I finished that pizza hours ago. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm up with my friend Brian and he's nice to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I went out with this girl in LA a few times. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She was really nice and last time I was in LA, I called her up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And asked her out to dinner and she's like "Yeah, sure" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then 2 hours before our date she calls me up and she goes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now is that a problem?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest problem we could have. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why would I go out with you if you kinda have a boyfriend now?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets to this carnival but you can't ride-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 any rides, is that a problem? Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 those rides, that's the whole point of me going to the carnival. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These tickets you gave me are useless. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of Amazon but I shipped it to my friend 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah that's a problem, that's not my address! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't have Lisa's contact info and now she makes your paninis, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really want one. What's the best case scenario? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We go out on this amazing dinner date, have a fantastic time, come back to my-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 place. She's like "Aziz I had a really time at dinner tonight and I wanna give 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my boyfriend's penis instead of yours. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Is that a problem?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're gonna suck your boyfriend's dick-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at my house. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's always kinda depressing to me when I talk to girls who have boyfriends. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because when you ask then how they met their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was doing volunteer work and one day he said 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 something nice to me and gave me a flower and we started going out." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No. It's always a story like "I was at the club and this guy came up to me and 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was like 'I've been staring at your ass all night. Is it cool if I take you out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why would you say yes to that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'I don't know what's the worst that could happen?' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's the worst that could happen? He could put something in your drink 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and rape you, that's the worst that could happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He could murder you and use your legs to make stilts that look like legs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Another thing that could happen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But that's my problem is that I think too much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Go to a bar and watch people, you see two different types of guys. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's one type of guy, that's a guy like me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin to each other 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's just talk to each other tonight Brian.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then, there's a second type of dude: The dumb dudes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They're at the bar, they don't care about anything. They're like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ubleeeeheeeeheee, I'll sing anything to anybody. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ublaaaagagaaaagaga." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then they go up to some girl and they're like "Psexcuse me, excuse me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ah, I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 day I'd be able to put my hands on your titties. My name's Kevin." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my boyfriend for 3 years?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I don't know, is it okay if I'm really shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I want?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah, that's fine. I'll never break up with you." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then they leave together. Meanwhile... I finally get up my courage: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Uh, that's a nice jacket." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Get the fuck outta my face." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then some Indian dude that recognizes me from the tv 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 will invite me back to his dorm to play video games. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tell me if this ever happens to you guys. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You ever at a party and you're talking to a guy and you think "Wow, this guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met maybe all year, what a dumb person 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I cannot wait to get outta this conversation with this dumb person" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they say something like "Yeah and I got two kids, " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo. You can't have two kids you're so stupid. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What are you doing raising kids? You're so dumb! You're raising murderers." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This happens to me all the time. It's so terrifying. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was talking to a dude at a party who is 26 years old, had a three year old son. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" And then a few minutes later 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I overheard him telling a group of people the story about how a week earlier he'd 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are over. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And he's sitting here telling people this story. And he's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah and then I put the condom on" and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick ." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As if that were a totally reasonable thing to say. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As if I were the weird one for even bringing up the question. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I told him, " You don' understand in this situation, putting the condom on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 makes everything way worse." 'Cus that means the whole time he went to go find a 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 box of condoms, open the box of condoms, take the condom out, open the condom 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go back to the macaroni. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That whole time he never once thought, "You know what, maybe I don't need to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe I could do literally anything else and it 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would be a better use of my time. " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How are you gonna do something like that when you have a kid? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What if his kid saw that? He'd never be able to tell that kid anything. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey be nice to be people, do good in school." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Sooo why would I take your-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 advice? By the way I'm three years old, my language skills are very impressive, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe I should just ride this shit out on my own." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (crowd cheering) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I have, uh, internet access right now. 'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sure some of you guys are online as well. And I like the internet, but it's really 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 annoying sometimes. Like does this situation happen to you? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're sitting at your computer, working on something really important. And you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I gotta look into this now. Sorry, important work, something more pressing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 has come up. I do stuff like that all the time. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And what's so annoying is that once I start looking into one thing, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll see something else I want to research. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For example, In the Home Alone situation. Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, I don't know much about Joe Pesci. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all this Joe Pesci research. And now I know so much about Joe Pesci. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But it's useless information, It's never going to help me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I never heard of a situation where a guy been in an alley doing the knife, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You're gonna die tonight unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 put out when he was a little kid." "Little Joe sure can sing." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Damnit, you're free to go. How come so many people know that? I need to stop 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders. People know more about him than 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I anticipated." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I always waste time like that. The other night I was up late, I remember 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I've never seen any of those Saw movies before. They're not supposed to be 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 particularly good movies. But my friend told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy." And I love twists at the end of movies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw ending' and sure enough the clip comes up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz you didn't see the rest of the movie, the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 clip won't make sense." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 plot summary and when I got to the last paragraph, I stopped. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then I went back and watched that video. And let me tell you I did not see that-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 coming." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Someone recently sent me a password to one of those online porn sites. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the password worked. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't know if anyone here's ever had membership access 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to any of those sites, but it is incredible. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If you're kind of on the fence, like, "i don't know, it just doesn't 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 seem like it would be worth it to spend--" do it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, the trend in these sites is they try to make it seem 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like this stuff all really happened. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like this is real life. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These aren't actors, this stuff really happened. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So they have dumb names like "RealLifeDickParty.com" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the videos are all the same. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These guys go up to some girls, they're like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "excuse me, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the girls are always like "Yeah!" and they get in their car, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they drive back to the house, they have sex, they film it, and it goes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 RealLifeDickParty.com! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Does anyone think those clips are real? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If they want people to think it's real, every now and then, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they should have a clip where some guys go up to some girls, like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "excuse me, uh, you girls want to come back to our place 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and have a dick party?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the girl's like, "what? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's disgusting! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Get out of here you asshole!" - RealLifeDickParty.com! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 then you're at home like, "man, I guess it is real. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those girls didn't want to have a dick party at all. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They just continued on " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 now, the first video I watched on the site, these guys go 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 into a doughnut shop, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they're talking to the girls in the doughnut shop, they're like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "hey, so, what do you think of us maybe giving you some money, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then we can hook up in the back of the donut shop" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the girl's like, "Ok that sounds good!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she was not a very good actress. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So they go in the back, and they start hooking up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So there's a guy hooking up with a girl in the back 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of a doughnut shop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, this guy eventually does what any reasonable person 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would do in that situation, and he puts a doughnut around his dick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, the woman is performing fellatio-type services, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and she's getting dangerously close to this doughnut. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then at one point, she just takes a bite of the doughnut. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I don't know why, but as soon as that happened, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just went, "whoa, that was awesome! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What an amazing choice by that actress! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I wonder if that was improvised, like the doughnut was just there, .. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [chomps] .. And the director is just [mouthing] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what does that say about me as a person that I got so excited? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I guess I just like food too much. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's a good thing I don't write the scripts for those videos. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My script would be like, "all right, so, you pick this girl up 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in los angeles, and you drop her off at this restaurant called animal, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the rabbit legs, and the strawberry pound cake. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And they bring her everything, and she's like, 'oh, my god, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this looks so good' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And she eats everything. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's not a bite left. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe the best meal I've had all year. - RealLifeDickParty.com! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you know what's weird about that doughnut video is, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they filmed it in a real doughnut shop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Which means they had to pay a doughnut shop owner 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to use that as a location. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I guess if you're a doughnut shop owner, the risk is pretty low. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What are the chances of someone at home watching the video and going, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "oh, no, that's where I get my doughnuts from! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's what goes on back there? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just thought they were putting chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but that's got to be happening to some dude. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They film all these videos in the same town, I imagine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's gotta be some dude waking up every morning like, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "oh, no, not the bank too! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was supposed to make a deposit today! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And there's jizz everywhere!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I always thought the best thing that could happen in the doughnut video 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, and then she just starts walking away. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the guy's like, "Hey where are you going?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and she's like, "i wasn't trying to suck your dick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just wanted a bite of that doughnut. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That looked delicious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Bob's doughnuts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The best doughnuts in town. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We won't make you suck a dick for years" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was doing a show one night, and they had a woman signing my entire act 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to the left of the stage, and whenever I got to that punch line 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 STOP 21:05 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 where I said "Jizz everywhere!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she went like this. And.. It was amazing. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said Jizz everywhere a few more times just to make sure 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I understood what was going on 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Coz that had to be an on-the-fly sign for "Jizz everywhere" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's like "Ok.. There's jizz Oh.. oh It's everywhere" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Coz everywhere can't be like [Nasal Eeeehhhhh] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You'd look crazy; Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, I'm new in town. Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh, those are everywhere! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's gotta be custom for 'jizz' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jizz everywhere, the sealing the carpet the walls the plates 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the tupperware the television, I don't know what 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 happened but it's everywhere and I'm really 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sorry about it. Also know that jizz is just (silly sound) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that's jizz. (mimics sound) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No more thought went into that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Guys up late developing sign language, uhh, guys I'm 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 really tired, can we pick up tomorrow. I'm really beat 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I really need some sleep. A few more words? Fine. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'What if it's everywhere?' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's Jizz everywhere! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How come I get all the dirty words? Brian got puppy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I got jizz everywhere? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the only reason I bring this up is, you know 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it can be days from now, weeks from now 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 months from now, years from now, but one day 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 one of you guys could be walking around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and see a Deaf person about to walk into 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a room where there's jizz everywhere 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you'd be like (signs) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they'll be like (signs) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they'll head somewhere else, free of jizz. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm from South Carolina and. thank you. and whenever 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I tell people that they're always like "(gasp) oh no. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but it's so racist there, (whispers) and your skin is brown" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "how did you survive?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 pretty racist, more racist than other parts of the country. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what these people forget is that the food there 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina it's 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 kind of like "oh that guy just say the N-word? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, never mind" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "nom nom nom nom nom nom" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if right now, some dude stood up and was like "hey 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 afterwards I'm going to give you a biscuit." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'd be like "that's a weird deal, but I'll take it" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Cause I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 everywhere. I have a friend in LA, he's Korean right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And he got locked out of his appartment. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So he called a locksmith, ok? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the locksmith is getting all his info 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so this locksmith does no business with Korean American. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 have to call him before economically he couldn't afford 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be that racist? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like, what if Korean people just kept calling? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 have made five thousand dollars yesterday 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if I didn't hate Korean people. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 America. They can't even find their keys." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But then weirdly, that steriotype would get 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 integrated into his racism. Like he would see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "ha! There's something you don't see everyday" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Korean dude actually had his keys for once" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "na na na na na na na, they're in your house." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No one was lost. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How are racist things like that so ubiquitous? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At one point do our parents sit us down 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 people is 'ching chong, bing bong'" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Don't ever say it to them" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Well if they say something racist to you, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know. I gotta get out of here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't touch that macaroni" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and see if I could learn anything, and I found 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a very interesting article. It was titled 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'list of every ethnic slur' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and if it's cool with you guys, I would now 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like to share a few of my favorites. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So they're offensive. They're offensive by their 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and you're offended, there's no reason to be like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "ahhhwwwoooo" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because we all know they're offensive. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So instead you can shut your fucking mouth. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At the same time though 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At the same time, I don't want to do this 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 bit and look at the audience and see some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 caucasian ancestry with real or suspected 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 distent Asian or African ancestry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, this is a pretty specific situation 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in your predominantly Caucasian face?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some of the racial slurs, uh 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 contained other racial slurs within themselves 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to me. For example, there was one for Native American 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Whenever I hear that, I imagine this synario 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some guy's talking to a Native American dude 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Get out of here prairie N-word" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some black guy's like "what'd you say?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Step off" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you say that to?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Anyone have a guess on that one? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Christ killer. Who would you say that to? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Christ killer, killer of Christ. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Did someone say Jewish people? No! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who hate Asians so much, they blame them 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for the death of Christ. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Christ killer" "But I'm Asian" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I know. Why do you think God created locks?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But what I learned reading that list though 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is that I think you can make anything sound 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Quit laughing kitkat! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See? That started to sound real racist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Aziz must be emplying that he's brown on the outside, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wafer like on the inside. [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 were at one point the biggest band in the world. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Preforming at arinas and stuff. But at the same time they 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all the time. My body could just not take anything like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and fell off a building" [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They have all these insane stories about girls. Like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Was a motley crew guy just running around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I going to do? What am I going to do? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 soap and water? No! That won't work! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why? I don't know!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That story is the quintessential difference between 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a comedy tour, and a rock tour. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 off my dick" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I like touring, the only thing I don't like is the actual 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 travel itself. Because people can be so rude when you're 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 traveling. The rudest person I ever met in my entire life is 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the eastern European customs lady at the Turanto airport. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's that lady's problem? Why's she gotta be so rude? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Customs people are the first people you meet when you go to a new country. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They should be nice, welcoming. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "what you are doing here?! [shouting]" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like "you know, like, filming a movie" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She goes "I know what it means filming movie. I mean 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 are you doing the lights? Are you acting? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Are you directing? I could do without your sarcasm." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like, "Why are you being so mean? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said something and you went 'what it mean shooting movie.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and I'm trying to explane things to you." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm stunned you know what the word sarcams means 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 your English is slightly better than Animal from the Muppet Babies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And you're yelling at me like a psychopath. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I got my stamp and I walked on. But I kind of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wish I had forgotten the stamp and turned around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and was like "Guess what?! I lied!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then pulled out a DVD of Jurassic Park and a 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hand gun, and was like "this is what I mean shooting movie" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Bang bang bang bang bang" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [laughter] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Passengers can also be rude to you also. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was flying home once and I was sitting next 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to this couple. They had these two puppies, that they put 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 under the seats infront of us. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, there was an older couple sitting there 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and they said "Hey, you guys mind moving the puppies 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 over a little bit so we can put our jackets under there?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the lady with the puppies is like, "um, no! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We have two puppies, they need all the room. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you very much" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I was like, "Whoa. Why'd you need 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be so rude about that?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then she started talking to her husband. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's like, "Ugh, can you believe those people, asking us 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to move the puppies for their jackets? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What kind of nerve they have! Who do they think they are?!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like, "I fucking hate this lady." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I started chiming in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was like, "Yeah, I heard that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I couldn't believe they'd ask something like that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those people are awful! Those people are terrible! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those people deserve to be murdered." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I didn't say another word the whole flight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then the flight lands. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And the old couple gets up, they leave the plane. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The young couple's about to get up, but I hold them down and I go, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "No, no. I got this." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I step over them and I start following the old people, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The young couple's behind me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We get outside the airport, I pull out the gun 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that I have from the previous joke-- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Loaded two bullets. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I aim it at the old people, but then I spin around 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I aim it at the puppies. BANG! BANG! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I shoot both those puppies in the face. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I go, "Never be rude to the elderly again! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Have fun burying your dead puppies." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter and applause) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know what some of you are thinking. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Oh no, why the puppies get shot?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The puppies didn't do anything." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I didn't really shoot any puppies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You were being stupid. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (laughter)