[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Jazz music]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Alright.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Washington, D.C.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for \Ncoming out to the taping
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for my second stand-up special.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[cheers and applause] \NVery excited to be here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Uh... Before we start the show, \NI know there's probably
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some signs up saying, \Nno photos and things of that nature,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's just because \Nobviously we're taping this.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also, when I do these shows, \Npeople can start taking photos,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there'll be a lot of \Nflashing and orange lights,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it can be a little \Ndistracting when I'm trying
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to focus on the performance.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I've realized is \Nthat, uh, people don't give a shit,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they take photos anyway, \Nbecause there are some shitty people
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that come to these shows.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, look how many people are here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of you are shitty people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no question.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we met in any other context \Nbesides you paying me money
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to see me tell jokes, \NI'm sure there are some
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of you I would hate with a passion.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No question about it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really hate some of you a lot.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what I thought we could \Ndo as a compromise--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right now, before I start the show,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand people like photos and stuff,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so right now, before we start the show,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna pretend like \NI'm in the middle of a joke,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you can take as many \Nphotos as you want,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then after that, \Nwe'll have a great show, okay?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter) (cheering)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here we go, if you want to snap a photo
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,go for it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and chuckling)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some fake joke where I need to go through
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a crawl space.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's act like uh, let's act like an
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,incident happened with a audience member.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like sir, could you stand up \Nand act like you're yelling at me--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about something?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So... you can show that photo\Nto people and tell 'em
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah at one point in the show \Nthis guy just stood up
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was like whites are the superior race"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,\Nsir, you need to sit down."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right, cool, everybody good with\Nphotos and everything?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much for coming out\NI really appreciate you coming out
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I live, uh - I live in New York right now.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[audience cheers] And--yes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm single right now, and--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't mean that shit. (laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And whenever I go out to bars there,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have this one friend of mine.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's one of these guys \Nhe's like, "Aw, man.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any cute girl you see, \Njust go talk to her, man.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any cute girl you see, \Njust say something,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anything, it doesn't matter what.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's gonna happen?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That girl is gonna be mean as shit \Nto me for no reason at all.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do I want to deal with that?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Hi how are you? \N- Fuck you!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right. I'll see you later.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll go talk to my friend Brian. \NHe's always nice to me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, sure, that's a little bit \Nof an exaggeration,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that is how it feels sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I once went up to this girl \N'cause I thought
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" \Nand she said, "Thank you,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we started talking, \Nand she seemed nice.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then at one point, her friend comes over,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when the girl's friend comes over,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He came to talk to me 'cause \Nhe thought I had a cool bag,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rolled her eyes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No reason to do that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was just being nice," right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said to myself right there,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Whenever I leave this conversation,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna make sure this girl knows\NI don't give a shit about her,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And... I really like her bag."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, at one point,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're sitting there talking,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey what's that over there?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I stole her purse.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That bag's mine now.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never know what to say \Nto girls in situations like that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always so awkward.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was having lunch \Nwith a friend of mine once,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I told him, \N"Hey, there's this one girl
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that works in this restaurant.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's so cute, but I don't know what to\Nsay to her
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is go over there and be honest \Nwith her for a minute."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really? That's all I gotta do?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I just need to walk over--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Excuse me, miss.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just need to be real honest \Nwith you for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I eat here all the time, \Nand when I do, I stare at your face.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I imagine us fucking \Nwhile I eat my sandwiches.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me know if you'd like to turn \Nmy fantasy into your reality."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not sure that would work out too well.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People always give you \Nthe same dumb advice
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in situations like that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll say things like, \N"Oh just leave her a big tip."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How does that work?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just walk over-- "Yes, \Ncan I get a muffin, please?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's $100.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you know what that means.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm willing to have sex \Nwith you for the price of $98."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was doing that joke \None night, and this guy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the audience just yells, \N"Just tell her you're on TV."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no way I'll sound \Nlike a jerk if I do that, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Excuse me, miss.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm on TV.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(clears throat) ... I said...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm on TV.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what's going \Non here, but this is the part
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you start sucking my dick
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess that's what some dudes \Nthink being on tv's like.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just walk into bars\N"What's up everybody?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just so you know someone that's appeared \Non television is here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you're interested in giving me a \Nhandjob in the restroom let's line up
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the left."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. That's not how it works at all.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How it works is I walk into a bar and\N5 dudes are like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw\Non that thing!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't \Nbelieve you're here
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've gotta take a photo with me\Nand my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,though, we gotta drive there now."\NThat doesn't sound safe.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in a relationship for a few years \Nand I think
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while I was in the relationship\Nall dating communication went exclusively-
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to text. You can't call anybody anymore.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You call someone and they're like\N"What? Are you on fire?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't like texting people. \NEspecially girls because there's always
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,miscommunication that happens.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a situation I get into all the \Ntime.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll text a girl, she texts me back \Nright away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I text her right away. \NShe texts me back right away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I text her back right away, \NShe texts me back right away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I text her back right away\NShe texts me back right away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I'll say something like \N"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on Tuesday?"\NAnd then I don't hear anything.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm like "What just happened? \NI know you read that shit. You responded--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to 20 other things I just sent.\NWhat do you not like me anymore?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't have two seconds to say\N'yes I want to get pizza?'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did you chuck your phone into\Na locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a few hours? What's the deal?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And after a few hours of no response\NI get real upset.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I just want to send a text that says\Nsomething like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well guess who just got invited \Nto the pizza party?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You didn't 'cus I hate you now."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Girl always writes something back\N"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we had to turn off our phones."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whatever we're done. \NI finished that pizza hours ago.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm up with my friend Brian and he's \Nnice to me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went out with this girl in LA \Na few times. \N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was really nice and last time I was in\NLA, I called her up.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And asked her out to dinner and she's \Nlike "Yeah, sure"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then 2 hours before our date she calls me \Nup and she goes
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner\Nwith you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now is that a problem?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest\Nproblem we could have.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would I go out with you \Nif you kinda have a boyfriend now?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets\Nto this carnival but you can't ride--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any rides, is that a problem?\NYeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those rides, that's the whole point of me\Ngoing to the carnival.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These tickets you gave me are useless.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of\NAmazon but I shipped it to my friend
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah that's a problem, \Nthat's not my address!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't have Lisa's contact info\Nand now she makes your paninis,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really want one. \NWhat's the best case scenario?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We go out on this amazing dinner date,\Nhave a fantastic time, come back to my--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,place. She's like "Aziz I had a really \Ntime at dinner tonight and I wanna give
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my \Nboyfriend's penis instead of yours.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that a problem?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're \Ngonna suck your boyfriend's dick--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at my house.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's always kinda depressing to me when I\Ntalk to girls who have boyfriends.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when you ask then how they met \Ntheir boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was\Ndoing volunteer work and one day he said
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something nice to me and gave me a flower\Nand we started going out."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. It's always a story like "I was at \Nthe club and this guy came up to me and
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was like 'I've been staring at your ass \Nall night. Is it cool if I take you out
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would you say yes to that?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'I don't know what's the worst that\Ncould happen?'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the worst that could happen?\NHe could put something in your drink
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rape you, \Nthat's the worst that could happen.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He could murder you and use your legs to \Nmake stilts that look like legs.\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another thing that could happen.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's my problem is that I think too \Nmuch.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Go to a bar and watch people, you see two \Ndifferent types of guys.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's one type of guy, that's a guy like\Nme.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin\Nto each other
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't \Nknow, I don't know, I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's just talk to each \Nother tonight Brian.'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then, there's a second type of dude: \NThe dumb dudes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're at the bar, they don't care about\Nanything. They're like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop\Nit in a beer with a bunch of other shit
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ubleeeeheeeeheee, \NI'll sing anything to anybody.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then they go up to some girl and they're\Nlike "Psexcuse me, excuse me,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ah, I just wanted to say you look really\Nbeautiful tonight, and I was hoping one
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,day I'd be able to put my hands on \Nyour titties. My name's Kevin."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my \Nboyfriend for 3 years?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really \Nshitty to you? Cheat on your whenever
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never \Nbreak up with you."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then they leave together. Meanwhile...\NI finally get up my courage:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Uh, that's a nice jacket."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get the fuck outta my face."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then some Indian dude that \Nrecognizes me from the tv
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will invite me back \Nto his dorm to play video games.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You ever at a party and you're talking to \Na guy and you think "Wow, this guy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met \Nmaybe all year, what a dumb person
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I cannot wait to get outta this \Nconversation with this dumb person"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they say something like \N"Yeah and I got two kids, "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.\NYou can't have two kids you're so stupid.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are you doing raising kids? You're \Nso dumb! You're raising murderers."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This happens to me all the time. It's so \Nterrifying.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was talking to a dude at a party who is\N26 years old, had a three year old son.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" \NAnd then a few minutes later
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I overheard him telling a group of people \Nthe story about how a week earlier he'd
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni \Nand cheese.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah\Nwoah,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl\Nof mac and cheese. Once you have a kid
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are \Nover.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's sitting here telling people this \Nstory. And he's like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah and then I put the condom on" \Nand I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not \Ntrying to get cheese all over my dick ."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As if that were a totally reasonable\Nthing to say.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As if I were the weird one for even \Nbringing up the question.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I told him, " You don' understand\Nin this situation, putting the condom on
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes everything way worse." 'Cus that \Nmeans the whole time he went to go find a
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,box of condoms, open the box of condoms,\Ntake the condom out, open the condom
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go \Nback to the macaroni.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That whole time he never once thought, \N"You know what, maybe I don't need to
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe\NI could do literally anything else and it
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would be a better use of my time. "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How are you gonna do something like that \Nwhen you have a kid?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if his kid saw that? He'd never be \Nable to tell that kid anything.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey be nice to be people, do good in \Nschool."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni\Nand cheese. Sooo why would I take your--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,advice? By the way I'm three years old, my\Nlanguage skills are very impressive,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe I should just ride this shit out on\Nmy own."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(crowd cheering)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have, uh, internet access right now. \N'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sure some of you guys are online as well. \NAnd I like the internet, but it's really
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,annoying sometimes. Like does this \Nsituation happen to you?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're sitting at your computer, working\Non something really important. And you
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made\Nmore money than Home Alone 1.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gotta look into this now. Sorry, \Nimportant work, something more pressing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has come up. I do stuff like \Nthat all the time.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what's so annoying is that once I \Nstart looking into one thing,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll see something else I want to \Nresearch.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For example, In the Home Alone situation.\NYeah I'll be looking at that and be like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, \NI don't know much about Joe Pesci.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe I should learn everything about\NJoe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all this Joe Pesci research. And now\NI know so much about Joe Pesci.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's useless information, It's never\Ngoing to help me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never heard of a situation where a guy\Nbeen in an alley doing the knife,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You're gonna die tonight unless you can \Ntell me the name of the album Joe Pesci
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,put out when he was a little kid."\N"Little Joe sure can sing."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so \Nmany people know that? I need to stop
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my \Nmurders. People know more about him than
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I anticipated."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always waste time like that. \NThe other night I was up late, I remember
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've never seen any of those Saw movies \Nbefore. They're not supposed to be
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,particularly good movies. But my friend \Ntold me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."\NAnd I love twists at the end of movies.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw\Nending' and sure enough the clip comes up
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz\Nyou didn't see the rest of the movie, the
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,clip won't make sense."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went\Non the Saw wikipedia page and I read the
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,plot summary and when I got to the last \Nparagraph, I stopped.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I went back and watched that video. \NAnd let me tell you I did not see that--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,coming."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone recently sent me a password \Nto one of those online porn sites.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the password worked.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't know if anyone here's \Never had membership access
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to any of those sites, \Nbut it is incredible.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're kind of on the fence, \Nlike, "i don't know, it just doesn't
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,seem like it would be \Nworth it to spend--" do it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the trend in these sites \Nis they try to make it seem
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like this stuff all really happened.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like this is real life.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These aren't actors, \Nthis stuff really happened.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they have dumb names like \N"RealLifeDickParty.com"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the videos are all the same.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These guys go up to \Nsome girls, they're like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"excuse me, you girls want to come back \Nto our place and have a dick party?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the girls are always like "Yeah!" \Nand they get in their car,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they drive back to the house, \Nthey have sex, they film it, and it goes
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,RealLifeDickParty.com!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does anyone think those clips are real?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they want people to think it's real, \Nevery now and then,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they should have a clip where \Nsome guys go up to some girls, like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"excuse me, uh, you girls want \Nto come back to our place
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and have a dick party?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the girl's like, "what?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's disgusting!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get out of here you asshole!"\N- RealLifeDickParty.com!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you're at home like, \N"man, I guess it is real.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those girls didn't want to \Nhave a dick party at all.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just continued on "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now, the first video I watched \Non the site, these guys go
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a doughnut shop, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're talking to the girls \Nin the doughnut shop, they're like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, so, what do you think of us \Nmaybe giving you some money,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then we can hook up \Nin the back of the donut shop"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the girl's like, \N"Ok that sounds good!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she was not a very good actress.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they go in the back, \Nand they start hooking up.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's a guy hooking up \Nwith a girl in the back
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a doughnut shop.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this guy eventually does \Nwhat any reasonable person
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would do in that situation, \Nand he puts a doughnut around his dick.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the woman is performing \Nfellatio-type services,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she's getting dangerously \Nclose to this doughnut.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then at one point, she just \Ntakes a bite of the doughnut.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't know why, \Nbut as soon as that happened,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What an amazing choice by that actress!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder if that was improvised, \Nlike the doughnut was just there, ..
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[chomps] .. And the director \Nis just [mouthing]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what does that say about me \Nas a person that I got so excited?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess I just like food too much.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a good thing I don't write \Nthe scripts for those videos.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My script would be like, \N"all right, so, you pick this girl up
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in los angeles, and you drop her off \Nat this restaurant called animal,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she orders the \Nhamachi tostada, the poutine,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rabbit legs, and the \Nstrawberry pound cake.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they bring her everything, and \Nshe's like, 'oh, my god,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this looks so good'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she eats everything.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's not a bite left.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe the best meal I've had all year. \N- RealLifeDickParty.com!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know what's weird about \Nthat doughnut video is,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which means they had to pay \Na doughnut shop owner
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to use that as a location.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I guess if you're a doughnut shop \Nowner, the risk is pretty low.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the chances of someone \Nat home watching the video and going,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh, no, that's where \NI get my doughnuts from!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what goes on back there?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just thought they were putting \Nchocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that's got to be \Nhappening to some dude.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They film all these videos \Nin the same town, I imagine.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's gotta be some dude \Nwaking up every morning like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"oh, no, not the bank too!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was supposed to make a deposit today!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's jizz everywhere!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I always thought the best thing \Nthat could happen in the doughnut video
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, \Nand then she just starts walking away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the guy's like, \N"Hey where are you going?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she's like, \N"i wasn't trying to suck your dick.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That looked delicious.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Bob's doughnuts.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The best doughnuts in town.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We won't make you suck a dick for years"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was doing a show one night, \Nand they had a woman signing my entire act
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the left of the stage, and whenever \NI got to that punch line
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,STOP 21:05
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I said "Jizz everywhere!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she went like this.\NAnd.. It was amazing.\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said Jizz everywhere a few more times\Njust to make sure
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understood what was going on
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Coz that had to be an on-the-fly\Nsign for "Jizz everywhere"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's like "Ok.. There's jizz\NOh.. oh It's everywhere"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Coz everywhere can't be like \N[Nasal Eeeehhhhh]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You'd look crazy;\NEverytime you had to sign 'everywhere'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, I'm new in town. \NIs there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, those are everywhere!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's gotta be custom for 'jizz'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jizz everywhere, the sealing the carpet the walls the plates
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the tupperware the television, I don't know what
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,happened but it's everywhere and I'm really
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sorry about it. Also know that jizz is just (silly sound)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's jizz. (mimics sound)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No more thought went into that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Guys up late developing sign language, uhh, guys I'm
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,really tired, can we pick up tomorrow. I'm really beat
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really need some sleep. A few more words? Fine.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'What if it's everywhere?'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's Jizz everywhere!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How come I get all the dirty words? Brian got puppy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got jizz everywhere?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the only reason I bring this up is, you know
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it can be days from now, weeks from now
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,months from now, years from now, but one day
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of you guys could be walking around
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and see a Deaf person about to walk into
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a room where there's jizz everywhere
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you'd be like (signs)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'll be like (signs)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'll head somewhere else, free of jizz.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm from South Carolina and. thank you. and whenever
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tell people that they're always like "(gasp) oh no.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's so racist there, (whispers) and your skin is brown"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"how did you survive?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,pretty racist, more racist than other parts of the country.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what these people forget is that the food there
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina it's
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kind of like "oh that guy just say the N-word?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, never mind"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"nom nom nom nom nom nom"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if right now, some dude stood up and was like "hey
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,afterwards I'm going to give you a biscuit."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd be like "that's a weird deal, but I'll take it"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everywhere. I have a friend in LA, he's Korean right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he got locked out of his appartment.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he called a locksmith, ok?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the locksmith is getting all his info
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so this locksmith does no business with Korean American.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have to call him before economically he couldn't afford
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be that racist?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, what if Korean people just kept calling?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have made five thousand dollars yesterday
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I didn't hate Korean people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,America. They can't even find their keys."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then weirdly, that steriotype would get
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,integrated into his racism. Like he would see
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"ha! There's something you don't see everyday"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Korean dude actually had his keys for once"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"na na na na na na na, they're in your house."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one was lost.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How are racist things like that so ubiquitous?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At one point do our parents sit us down
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people is 'ching chong, bing bong'"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Don't ever say it to them"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well if they say something racist to you,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know. I gotta get out of here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't touch that macaroni"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and see if I could learn anything, and I found
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a very interesting article. It was titled
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'list of every ethnic slur'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if it's cool with you guys, I would now
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like to share a few of my favorites.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So they're offensive. They're offensive by their
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you're offended, there's no reason to be like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"ahhhwwwoooo"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we all know they're offensive.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So instead you can shut your fucking mouth.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the same time though
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the same time, I don't want to do this
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,bit and look at the audience and see some
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,caucasian ancestry with real or suspected
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,distent Asian or African ancestry.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this is a pretty specific situation
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in your predominantly Caucasian face?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of the racial slurs, uh
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,contained other racial slurs within themselves
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to me. For example, there was one for Native American
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whenever I hear that, I imagine this synario
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some guy's talking to a Native American dude
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Get out of here prairie N-word"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some black guy's like "what'd you say?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Step off"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you say that to?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anyone have a guess on that one?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Christ killer. Who would you say that to?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Christ killer, killer of Christ.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did someone say Jewish people? No!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who hate Asians so much, they blame them
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the death of Christ.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Christ killer" "But I'm Asian"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know. Why do you think God created locks?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I learned reading that list though
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that I think you can make anything sound
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Quit laughing kitkat!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? That started to sound real racist.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aziz must be emplying that he's brown on the outside,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wafer like on the inside. [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were at one point the biggest band in the world.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Preforming at arinas and stuff. But at the same time they
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the time. My body could just not take anything like that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and fell off a building" [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have all these insane stories about girls. Like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was a motley crew guy just running around
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,soap and water? No! That won't work!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why? I don't know!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That story is the quintessential difference between
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a comedy tour, and a rock tour.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,off my dick"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like touring, the only thing \NI don't like is the actual
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,travel itself. Because people can \Nbe so rude when you're
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,traveling. The rudest person I \Never met in my entire life is
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the eastern European customs lady \Nat the Turanto airport.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's that lady's problem? \NWhy's she gotta be so rude?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Customs people are the first people you \Nmeet when you go to a new country.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They should be nice, welcoming.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what you are doing here?! [shouting]"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like "you know, \Nlike, filming a movie"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She goes "I know what \Nit means filming movie. I mean
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are you doing the lights? Are you acting?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you directing? \NI could do without your sarcasm."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Why are you being so mean?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said something and you went \N'what it mean shooting movie.'
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and\NI'm trying to explane things to you."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm stunned you know what \Nthe word sarcams means
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your English is slightly better \Nthan Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you're yelling at me \Nlike a psychopath.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I got my stamp and I walked on. \NBut I kind of
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wish I had forgotten the stamp \Nand turned around
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was like "Guess what?! I lied!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then pulled out a DVD \Nof Jurassic Park and a
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hand gun, and was like \N"this is what I mean shooting movie"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Bang bang bang bang bang"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[laughter]
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Passengers can also be rude to you also.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was flying home once and I \Nwas sitting next
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this couple. They had these \Ntwo puppies, that they put
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,under the seats infront of us.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there was an older \Ncouple sitting there
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they said "Hey, you guys mind \Nmoving the puppies
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over a little bit so we can put \Nour jackets under there?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the lady with the \Npuppies is like, "um, no!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have two puppies, \Nthey need all the room.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you very much"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was like, "Whoa.\NWhy'd you need
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be so rude about that?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she started \Ntalking to her husband.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's like, "Ugh, can you believe\Nthose people, asking us
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to move the puppies for their jackets?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What kind of nerve they have!\NWho do they think they are?!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "I fucking hate this lady."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I started chiming in.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like, "Yeah, I heard that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't believe they'd \Nask something like that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those people are awful!\NThose people are terrible!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those people deserve to be murdered."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I didn't say another \Nword the whole flight.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the flight lands.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the old couple gets up, \Nthey leave the plane.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The young couple's about to get up, \Nbut I hold them down and I go,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"No, no. I got this."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I step over them and I start \Nfollowing the old people, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The young couple's behind me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We get outside the airport,\NI pull out the gun
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I have from the previous joke--
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Loaded two bullets.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I aim it at the old people, \Nbut then I spin around
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I aim it at the puppies.\NBANG! BANG!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I shoot both those puppies in the face.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I go, "Never be \Nrude to the elderly again!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have fun burying your dead puppies."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter and applause)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know what some of you are thinking.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh no, why the puppies get shot?!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The puppies didn't do anything."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't really shoot any puppies.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You were being stupid.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(laughter)