[Jazz music]
[cheers and applause] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Alright.
Washington, D.C.
Thank you so much for coming out to the taping
for my second stand-up special.
[cheers and applause] Very excited to be here.
Uh... Before we start the show, I know there's probably
some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature,
and that's just because obviously we're taping this.
And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos,
and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights,
and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying
to focus on the performance.
But what I've realized is that, uh, people don't give a shit,
and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people
that come to these shows.
I mean, look how many people are here.
Some of you are shitty people.
There's no question.
If we met in any other context besides you paying me money
to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some
of you I would hate with a passion.
No question about it.
I really hate some of you a lot.
So what I thought we could do as a compromise--
right now, before I start the show,
I understand people like photos and stuff,
so right now, before we start the show,
I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke,
and you can take as many photos as you want,
and then after that, we'll have a great show, okay?
(laughter) (cheering)
So here we go, if you want to snap a photo
go for it.
(laughter)
(laughter and chuckling)
Some fake joke where I need to go through
a crawl space.
Let's act like uh, let's act like an
incident happened with a audience member.
Like sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me--
about something?
(laughter and applause)
So... you can show that photo to people and tell 'em
"Yeah at one point in the show this guy just stood up
and was like whites are the superior race"
And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool, sir, you need to sit down."
All right, cool, everybody good with photos and everything?
Thank you so much for coming out I really appreciate you coming out
Thank you so much.
I live, uh - I live in New York right now.
[audience cheers] And--yes.
And I'm single right now, and--
(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.
You don't mean that shit. (laughter)
And whenever I go out to bars there,
I have this one friend of mine.
He's one of these guys he's like, "Aw, man.
Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man.
What's gonna happen?
Any cute girl you see, just say something,
anything, it doesn't matter what.
What's gonna happen?
What's gonna happen?"
I'll tell you what's gonna happen.
That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all.
Why do I want to deal with that?
- Hi how are you? - Fuck you!
All right. I'll see you later.
I'll go talk to my friend Brian. He's always nice to me.
And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration,
but that is how it feels sometimes.
I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought
she had a cool purse on her shoulder.
I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "Thank you,"
and we started talking, and she seemed nice.
Then at one point, her friend comes over,
and when the girl's friend comes over,
she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.
He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag,"
and rolled her eyes.
And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.
No reason to do that.
I was just being nice," right?
So I said to myself right there,
"Whenever I leave this conversation,
I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her,
And... I really like her bag."
So, at one point,
we're sitting there talking,
and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "
"Hey what's that over there?"
and then I stole her purse.
Yeah.
That bag's mine now.
I never know what to say to girls in situations like that.
It's always so awkward.
I was having lunch with a friend of mine once,
and I told him, "Hey, there's this one girl
that works in this restaurant.
She's so cute, but I don't know what to say to her
and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do
is go over there and be honest with her for a minute."
Really? That's all I gotta do?
So I just need to walk over--
"Excuse me, miss.
I just need to be real honest with you for a minute.
I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face.
And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches.
Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy into your reality."
I'm not sure that would work out too well.
People always give you the same dumb advice
in situations like that.
They'll say things like, "Oh just leave her a big tip."
How does that work?
I just walk over-- "Yes, can I get a muffin, please?
Here's $100.
I think you know what that means.
I'm willing to have sex with you for the price of $98."
I was doing that joke one night, and this guy
in the audience just yells, "Just tell her you're on TV."
Yeah.
There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right?
"Excuse me, miss.
I'm on TV.
(clears throat) ... I said...
I'm on TV.
I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part
where you start sucking my dick
I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like.
I just walk into bars "What's up everybody?
Just so you know someone that's appeared on television is here.
So if you're interested in giving me a handjob in the restroom let's line up
to the left."
No. That's not how it works at all.
How it works is I walk into a bar and 5 dudes are like
"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw on that thing!
Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't believe you're here
You've gotta take a photo with me and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-
though, we gotta drive there now." That doesn't sound safe.
I was in a relationship for a few years and I think
while I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively-
to text. You can't call anybody anymore.
You call someone and they're like "What? Are you on fire?
Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."
And I don't like texting people. Especially girls because there's always
miscommunication that happens.
This is a situation I get into all the time.
I'll text a girl, she texts me back right away.
I text her right away. She texts me back right away.
I text her back right away, She texts me back right away.
I text her back right away She texts me back right away.
Then I'll say something like "Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--
on Tuesday?" And then I don't hear anything.
And I'm like "What just happened? I know you read that shit. You responded--
to 20 other things I just sent. What do you not like me anymore?
You don't have two seconds to say 'yes I want to get pizza?'
or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"
What did you chuck your phone into a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--
a few hours? What's the deal?
And after a few hours of no response I get real upset.
And I just want to send a text that says something like
"Well guess who just got invited to the pizza party?
You didn't 'cus I hate you now."
Girl always writes something back "Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-
we had to turn off our phones."
Whatever we're done. I finished that pizza hours ago.
I'm up with my friend Brian and he's nice to me.
I went out with this girl in LA a few times.
She was really nice and last time I was in LA, I called her up.
And asked her out to dinner and she's like "Yeah, sure"
Then 2 hours before our date she calls me up and she goes
"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.
Now is that a problem?"
And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest problem we could have.
Why would I go out with you if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"
What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets to this carnival but you can't ride--
any rides, is that a problem? Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--
those rides, that's the whole point of me going to the carnival.
These tickets you gave me are useless.
Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of Amazon but I shipped it to my friend
Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?
Yeah that's a problem, that's not my address!
And I don't have Lisa's contact info and now she makes your paninis,
I really want one. What's the best case scenario?
We go out on this amazing dinner date, have a fantastic time, come back to my--
place. She's like "Aziz I had a really time at dinner tonight and I wanna give
you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my boyfriend's penis instead of yours.
Is that a problem?"
Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--
at my house.
It's always kinda depressing to me when I talk to girls who have boyfriends.
Because when you ask then how they met their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.
Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was doing volunteer work and one day he said
something nice to me and gave me a flower and we started going out."
No. It's always a story like "I was at the club and this guy came up to me and
was like 'I've been staring at your ass all night. Is it cool if I take you out
sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"
Why would you say yes to that?
'I don't know what's the worst that could happen?'
What's the worst that could happen? He could put something in your drink
and rape you, that's the worst that could happen.
He could murder you and use your legs to make stilts that look like legs.
Another thing that could happen.
But that's my problem is that I think too much.
Go to a bar and watch people, you see two different types of guys.
There's one type of guy, that's a guy like me.
We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin to each other
'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
Let's just talk to each other tonight Brian.'
Then, there's a second type of dude: The dumb dudes.
They're at the bar, they don't care about anything. They're like
"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit
Ubleeeeheeeeheee, I'll sing anything to anybody.
Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."
Then they go up to some girl and they're like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,
Ah, I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one
day I'd be able to put my hands on your titties. My name's Kevin."
"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my boyfriend for 3 years?"
"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever
I want?"
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never break up with you."
Then they leave together. Meanwhile... I finally get up my courage:
"Uh, that's a nice jacket."
"Get the fuck outta my face."
And then some Indian dude that recognizes me from the tv
will invite me back to his dorm to play video games.
Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.
You ever at a party and you're talking to a guy and you think "Wow, this guy
is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met maybe all year, what a dumb person
I cannot wait to get outta this conversation with this dumb person"
And they say something like "Yeah and I got two kids, "
And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo. You can't have two kids you're so stupid.
What are you doing raising kids? You're so dumb! You're raising murderers."
This happens to me all the time. It's so terrifying.
I was talking to a dude at a party who is 26 years old, had a three year old son.
And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" And then a few minutes later
I overheard him telling a group of people the story about how a week earlier he'd
tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah,
You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid
the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are over.
And he's sitting here telling people this story. And he's like
"Yeah and then I put the condom on" and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--
for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick ."
As if that were a totally reasonable thing to say.
As if I were the weird one for even bringing up the question.
Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.
And I told him, " You don' understand in this situation, putting the condom on
makes everything way worse." 'Cus that means the whole time he went to go find a
box of condoms, open the box of condoms, take the condom out, open the condom
wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go back to the macaroni.
That whole time he never once thought, "You know what, maybe I don't need to
fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe I could do literally anything else and it
would be a better use of my time. "
How are you gonna do something like that when you have a kid?
What if his kid saw that? He'd never be able to tell that kid anything.
"Hey be nice to be people, do good in school."
"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--
advice? By the way I'm three years old, my language skills are very impressive,
Maybe I should just ride this shit out on my own."
(crowd cheering)
I have, uh, internet access right now. 'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm
sure some of you guys are online as well. And I like the internet, but it's really
annoying sometimes. Like does this situation happen to you?
You're sitting at your computer, working on something really important. And you
think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1.
I gotta look into this now. Sorry, important work, something more pressing
has come up. I do stuff like that all the time.
And what's so annoying is that once I start looking into one thing,
I'll see something else I want to research.
For example, In the Home Alone situation. Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like
"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, I don't know much about Joe Pesci.
Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing
all this Joe Pesci research. And now I know so much about Joe Pesci.
But it's useless information, It's never going to help me.
I never heard of a situation where a guy been in an alley doing the knife,
"You're gonna die tonight unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci
put out when he was a little kid." "Little Joe sure can sing."
"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so many people know that? I need to stop
integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders. People know more about him than
I anticipated."
I always waste time like that. The other night I was up late, I remember
I've never seen any of those Saw movies before. They're not supposed to be
particularly good movies. But my friend told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the
twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy." And I love twists at the end of movies.
So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw ending' and sure enough the clip comes up
And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz you didn't see the rest of the movie, the
clip won't make sense."
Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the
plot summary and when I got to the last paragraph, I stopped.
Then I went back and watched that video. And let me tell you I did not see that--
coming."
Someone recently sent me a password to one of those online porn sites.
And the password worked.
And I don't know if anyone here's ever had membership access
to any of those sites, but it is incredible.
If you're kind of on the fence, like, "i don't know, it just doesn't
seem like it would be worth it to spend--" do it.
Now, the trend in these sites is they try to make it seem
like this stuff all really happened.
Like this is real life.
These aren't actors, this stuff really happened.
So they have dumb names like "RealLifeDickParty.com"
and the videos are all the same.
These guys go up to some girls, they're like,
"excuse me, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party?"
and the girls are always like "Yeah!" and they get in their car,
they drive back to the house, they have sex, they film it, and it goes
RealLifeDickParty.com!
Does anyone think those clips are real?
If they want people to think it's real, every now and then,
they should have a clip where some guys go up to some girls, like,
"excuse me, uh, you girls want to come back to our place
and have a dick party?"
and the girl's like, "what?
That's disgusting!
"Get out of here you asshole!" - RealLifeDickParty.com!
then you're at home like, "man, I guess it is real.
Those girls didn't want to have a dick party at all.
They just continued on "
now, the first video I watched on the site, these guys go
into a doughnut shop, right?
And they're talking to the girls in the doughnut shop, they're like,
"hey, so, what do you think of us maybe giving you some money,
and then we can hook up in the back of the donut shop"
and the girl's like, "Ok that sounds good!"
she was not a very good actress.
So they go in the back, and they start hooking up.
So there's a guy hooking up with a girl in the back
of a doughnut shop.
Now, this guy eventually does what any reasonable person
would do in that situation, and he puts a doughnut around his dick.
Now, the woman is performing fellatio-type services,
and she's getting dangerously close to this doughnut.
And then at one point, she just takes a bite of the doughnut.
And I don't know why, but as soon as that happened,
I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!
What an amazing choice by that actress!
I wonder if that was improvised, like the doughnut was just there, ..
[chomps] .. And the director is just [mouthing]
But what does that say about me as a person that I got so excited?
I guess I just like food too much.
It's a good thing I don't write the scripts for those videos.
My script would be like, "all right, so, you pick this girl up
in los angeles, and you drop her off at this restaurant called animal,
and she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine,
the rabbit legs, and the strawberry pound cake.
And they bring her everything, and she's like, 'oh, my god,
this looks so good'
And she eats everything.
There's not a bite left.
And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.
Maybe the best meal I've had all year. - RealLifeDickParty.com!
you know what's weird about that doughnut video is,
they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.
Which means they had to pay a doughnut shop owner
to use that as a location.
But I guess if you're a doughnut shop owner, the risk is pretty low.
What are the chances of someone at home watching the video and going,
"oh, no, that's where I get my doughnuts from!
That's what goes on back there?
I just thought they were putting chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"
but that's got to be happening to some dude.
They film all these videos in the same town, I imagine.
There's gotta be some dude waking up every morning like,
"oh, no, not the bank too!
I was supposed to make a deposit today!
And there's jizz everywhere!"
I always thought the best thing that could happen in the doughnut video
is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, and then she just starts walking away.
And the guy's like, "Hey where are you going?"
and she's like, "i wasn't trying to suck your dick.
I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.
That looked delicious.
"Bob's doughnuts.
The best doughnuts in town.
We won't make you suck a dick for years"
I was doing a show one night, and they had a woman signing my entire act
to the left of the stage, and whenever I got to that punch line
STOP 21:05
where I said "Jizz everywhere!"
she went like this. And.. It was amazing.
I said Jizz everywhere a few more times just to make sure
I understood what was going on
Coz that had to be an on-the-fly sign for "Jizz everywhere"
She's like "Ok.. There's jizz Oh.. oh It's everywhere"
Coz everywhere can't be like [Nasal Eeeehhhhh]
You'd look crazy; Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere'
"Hey, I'm new in town. Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"
"Oh, those are everywhere!