♪♪
On the last day of summer, ten hours before fall, my grandfather took me out to the wall.
For awhile we stood silent and finally he said, with a very sad shake of his very old head:
Grandpa: As you know, on this side of the wall, we are Yooks. And the far other side of this wall live the Zooks.
And the things that you've heard about Zooks are all true.
The terribly, horrible thing that they do, and in every Zook house and in every Zook town every Zook
eats his bread with the butter side down.
♪♪
♪ Butter, butter, butter bright ♪
♪ Every morning, noon, and night ♪
♪ Spread your bread and spread it right ♪
♪ Pat, pat. Smear, smear ♪
♪ Pat, pat. Butter side down ♪
Grandpa: But we Yooks, when we eat, when we breakfast or sup, spread our bread right,
with the butter side up.
But of course you remember our bread spreading rule that you learned as a lad back in bread
spreading school.
Teacher: On my honor, as a Yook youth, I do solemnly swear to spread up on top here, and
never down there.
Class: On my honor, as a Yook youth, I do solemnly swear to spread up on top here, and
never down there.
Grandpa: That's the true, honest way.
And all honest folks know that you can't trust a Zook who spreads bread down below.
Every Zook must be watched.
He has kinks in his soul.
That's why, as a young man, I made watching my goal.
Watching Zooks for the Zook-Watching Border Patrol.
♪♪
♪ With a song in my heart, and a spring in my knee, with a glint in my eye and a hump, two, three ♪
♪ I strided with pride along that wall, and I watched those Zookers, one and all ♪
♪ And if they got fresh, I just gave them a twitch with my tough tufted prickely Snick-Berry Switch ♪
For while, that worked fine. All the Zooks stayed away and our country was safe.
Then, one terrible day, a very rude Zook by the name of Van Itch snuck up and sligshotted
my Snick-Berry Switch!
Zooks: [laughing]
Van Itch: Hurah, hurah! Butter side down!
♪♪
Female Zook: Why, those dirty, upside down butterers. They can't do that to us.
Why, I've never saw anything so aggressively affrontable.
It's worse than that. It's acrimonious.
Male Yook: Those Zooks are impossible. And they get impossibler and impossibler and impossibler
every day.
Ask me, they get too big for their britches.
Grandpa: With my broken-off switch, with my head hung in shame, to the Chief Yookeroo
in great sorrow I came.
But our leader just smiled. He said, "Dear boy...
Yookaroo: You're not to blame. You simply have suffered a minor defeat because your
Snick-Berry Switch is a bit obsolete.
Their slingshot is more modern.
What we need to get is a weapon that's even more moderner, yet.
So, I've ordered the boys in the backroom to figure how to build you
some such super-bopper sling-jigger.
♪♪
Yook Scientists: [speaking very fast and in high pitched tones]
[machines grinding and squeaking]
Grandpa: With my Triple-Sling Jigger I sure felt much bigger.
Yooks: [cheering]
♪♪
Grandpa: I marched to the Wall with my Triple-Sling Jigger.
I marched to the Wall with great vim and great vigor.
Right up to Van Itch with my hand on the trigger.
"I'll have no more nonsense," I said with a frown, "from Zooks who eat bread with the butter side down!"
Van Itch looked quite sickly. He ran off quite quickly.
I'm unhappy to say he came back the next day.
Van Itch: Shoot, if you must, with your Triple-Sling Jigger. But I also now have my hand on a trigger.
My defensive weapon, the Jigger-Rock Snatchem, will fling 'em right back just as fast as we catch 'em.
We'll take no more nonsense. We'll take no more gupp from you Yooks who eat bread with the
butter side up!
Grandpa: Stymied. Thwarted.
Mission aborted.
"I have failed, sir," I sobbed as I made my report to the Chief Yookeroo in the headquarters fort.
Yookeroo: Not at all, my dear boy. You did fine, my dear boy.
But a slingshot, dear me, is an old fashioned toy.
All we need is a more modern kind of a gun.
My boys in the backroom have already begun to think up a wolloping-wiz-zinger of one.
Scientist: We'll show them Zooks...
[machines grinding and bubbling]
Grandpa: They thought up a great one, they certainly did.
They thought up a gun called the Kick-a-Poo Kid, which they loaded with powerful Poo-a-Doo powder,
and ant's eggs and bees' legs and dried-fried clam chowder.
And they carefully trained a real smart dog named Daniel to serve as our country's first
gun-toting spaniel.
Then Daniel, the Kick-a-Poo spaniel, and I marched back toward the Wall with our heads held up high.
Yook: It's time that we bop them!
Those monsters that dwell on the other side of the wall.
♪The Zooks are freaky. They're creepy and sneaky♪
♪ They're rude and their crude. They're rightfully lude ♪
♪ On the other side of the wall! ♪
♪ It's time that we mashed up ♪
♪ My dear, that be true ♪
♪ They're ugly, unnatural ♪
♪ Unkept and uncool ♪
♪ They're weird ♪
♪ They're suspicious ♪
♪ Obnoxious ♪
♪ Atrocious ♪
♪ They're rotten ♪
♪ Malicious ♪
[inaudible]
♪ Repugnant, repulsive they are ♪
♪ We're refined ♪
♪ They're cooky ♪
♪ They're nutty ♪
♪They're out of their mind ♪
♪ All the things that they do... ♪
♪ I never have met one, but I hear that they stinky! ♪
♪ On the other, other, other side, other side, that other side of the wall! ♪
Grandpa: Ready?
Daniel: Ready.
Grandpa: Aim.
Daniel: Aim.
Grandpa: Fir-- [stammering]
Van Itch: Shoot, if you must, with your wee tiny shooter. But the boys in my backroom have
rendered it neuter with this Eight-Nozzled, Elephant-Toted Boom-Blitz.
It shoots high-explosive sour cherry stone pits and will put your dumb Kick-a-Poo Kid on the fritz!
Grandpa: Poor Daniel and i were scared out of our witz!
[Kick-a-Poo Kid crashes]
Once again by the Zooks I was bested and beat.
Once again I limped home from the Wall in defeat.
I was losing my gumption, losing my will, when the Right-Side-Up Song Girls marched over the hill!
♪♪
♪ Never give up ♪
♪ Never tremble or flutter ♪
♪ Never sag, never drag, never stumble or stutter ♪
♪ Believe in yourself and the bread that you butter ♪
♪ Have faith in your butter, be steadfast and true ♪
♪ Remember all Yookton ♪
♪ Depends on you ♪