WEBVTT

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Good afternoon.

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It's a real pleasure
to do another TED Talk.

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And today I'm going to talk
to you about you.

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And share with you, hopefully,

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an idea that's really made
a massive difference in my life

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and hopefully could make
a massive difference in your life too.

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I've spent my life, really,
studying human beings.

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When I was a kid,
I was the youngest of four,

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so I spent a lot of time
just watching my brothers and sisters

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and seeing the mess
and the challenge that they got into,

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and trying to clock how I avoided that.

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Then I had the great fortune
of training as a physician,

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and some of you may know

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that medical training
is the most incredible opportunity,

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because you get up close
and personal with human suffering

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on every single level, on a daily basis.

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I've been in a room where people
have died right in front of me,

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and it's a really profound moment.

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I've also been in a room
where life has come into the world;

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I've delivered a number of children,
including three of my own four boys,

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one of whom is at the back -

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Hi, son.

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(Laughter)

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(Son from the audience) Hi, dad!

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So medical training,
a fantastic experience.

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I became a researcher,
initially an immunologist,

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and studied right down to the nano detail

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of how our white blood cells
roll along the inside of our blood vessels

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and with really clever adhesion molecules

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stick and kind of squeeze out
between the endothelia cells

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and fight infection.

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More recently as a neuroscientist.
So right down at nano level.

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And also at a much bigger scale.

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I had the good fortune of working
with CEOs and leaders around the world

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in some of our biggest companies
and multi-nationals,

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looking at the hidden social dynamics
and the networks that exist

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that determine whether a company
succeeds or fails.

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As you heard,

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I've worked with elite athletes,
helping them to win gold medals.

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I've read a lot, learned a lot.

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And through all that time,
one question kept bothering me,

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sort of eating away at my brain.

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And that question was:

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if you could teach yourself,
your children, or anybody one thing,

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what would it be?

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What would that one thing be?

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You can only teach one thing

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of all the things
I've learned and understood,

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and it's that that I want
to share with you today.

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What is that one thing?

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I can tell you it's not "Eat an apple";
that's not what it is.

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We're going to talk about that.

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But before, I want to return, just,
to really the story of you.

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I don't know whether you remember,

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but there was a time
before you knew you existed.

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For some of you that was probably
last Friday night, after a skinful.

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(Laughter)

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But as we all grow up,
there's a moment in our life -

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and this is a really
beautiful moment if you witness it -

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where you can see, about one year old -

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it might happen a bit sooner, a bit later,
but roughly about one year old -

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where a child realizes they exist
as a physical entity.

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It's that moment where they look
in the mirror, and they kind of go,

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"Oh, that's me!"

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They move their hand
and that hand moves,

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and they realize that that's them.

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So they have a physical
awareness, if you will.

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But they haven't yet developed
an awareness of their emotional self,

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which is why you get the terrible twos.

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So when a two-year-old is hungry,

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the world is hungry
and why aren't we eating?

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So there's that kind of intensity,
that egocentricity in a two-year-old.

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That's where they kind of get
to test the power.

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So in the supermarket,

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it's "Mom, mom, that that, me, me,
food, food, me, me, me, food,"

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and they kind of bother you
to a great extent.

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And then again, it's witnessable,
this moment where they suddenly realize

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that not only are they
physically separate from you,

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but their emotions
are not your emotions.

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You may have witnessed this

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with a child walking down
the aisle in the supermarket,

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eyes, streaming red,
bawling in frustration and rage

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that they can't get what they want,

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and then looking at you
completely baffled,

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like: "Why aren't you crying?"

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"We're hungry;
we want those chocolates."

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(Laughter)

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There's that bafflement in their eyes,

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that sort of thousand yard stare.

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And that's the emergence
of the awareness of the emotional self,

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separate from the parent or the caregiver.

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So that's a sort of second level up,

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but it's not until they get
to three to six years old

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that they get into the "conceptual self,"

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and part of that emergence
is a sense of identity.

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So it's what you would know
as consciousness,

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is they start to become aware -

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not only that they're physically,
emotionally separate,

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but they've got an identity.

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And it blossoms between
three and six years old.

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One of the things that happens

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in the emergence
of conceptual self is language.

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So language is essentially a concept:
it's a noise to represent something.

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So the emergence
of conceptual self happens,

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and we start to label our universe -

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you know, cat, dog, bat, ball,
window, floor, and so on.

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So the world starts to make sense
and we start to be able to navigate.

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Children between the age
of three and six

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learn about six new words
every single day.

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There's phenomenal
language acquisition going on.

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But only from the fourth level,

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which is called concrete consciousness,

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they start to learn
the rules that govern the concepts.

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Then it all starts to make sense:

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why is a dog a dog and a cat a cat?

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Why is a mummy a mummy
and daddy a daddy?

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What's the rule?

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It's in that between
six and nine years old

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that the fun starts to happen.

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So if you speak to a seven-year-old,

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you can start to have fun
by playing against the rules -

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you know, look at that cat
going woof-woof?

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No!

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Cats go meow! They don't go woof-woof.

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And it makes them laugh
because you're playing against the rules.

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There's this whole
rule emergence that occurs

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in a child between six and nine.

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And then that's where most people

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stay ...

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(Laughter)

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Most of the people
you're going to meet, 20, 30, 40,

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on the inside: nine!

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(Laughter)

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See it in accompanies all the time:

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toys out of the pram,
behaving like children.

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It's very common.

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There is an attempt,
usually in the early teenage years,

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to get beyond that concrete self,
to get beyond the rules,

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which is why you get teenage conflict.

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You'll see it, and parents
try to suppress this,

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like it's a bad thing.

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It's a developmental stage!

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You shouldn't be suppressing this stuff;
they're testing the rules.

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So this battle ensues:

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you told me to be home at ten,
I want to be home at 11.

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You told me to be honest;
you're not being honest,

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and the fight breaks out.

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And they have their whole
turbulent teenage years.

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Regardless of who wins that battle,
whether it's mom or dad or the child,

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it bubbles along for a few years.

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Now eventually,
regardless of who wins the battle,

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they leave home - hopefully.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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They go! Right?

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But then a much bigger parent
called society comes in

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and imposes its rules.

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So a lot of people go back
into the concrete,

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not like transferred but back
in the concrete following a set of rules,

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that we start to believe
that we've got to get a degree,

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we've got to get a job,
a relationship, a car, a house,

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we've got to get all these things
to be a good corporate citizen.

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So we start to follow the rules,
and we enter a company,

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and we start to work our way
up the career ladder,

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following the rules.

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So a lot of people you'll encounter
are back in that concrete,

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their life become stereotypical.

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You'll see people talk about this:

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"That's not how we
do things at this company.

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You'll be the Chief Executive,
I'll be the Chief Financial Officer.

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That's how we do it around here."

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It's a set of rules
that we're all following,

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and we're often not even
aware of those rules.

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And that will often happen
for the rest of your life;

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you don't even realize
you're running the rules.

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By the way, these rules weren't given
to you with your permission;

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they were just imposed
by parents or society.

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We're not even aware of it.

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If you're lucky, you have a crisis.

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At some point in your life,

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something terrible happens
to get you to question the rules.

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Now, most people this never happens to -

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or if it does, it doesn't
cause them to question.

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That might be the loss of a loved one,

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the loss of a relationship
or something terrible happens,

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usually, most commonly, in midlife.

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Then you enter the stage
what we call "the disease of meaning,"

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is it starts to occur to you

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there's something wrong
with the picture of your life.

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I've been following all these rules,
and it hasn't delivered.

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I thought if I was
a good corporate citizen,

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and I got a good job, and a good house,
and paid tax and all of that stuff,

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I would be happy and blissful forever;

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and I'm not.

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That's the disease of meaning,
and that is real pain.

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If that happens in a religious context,
people call it purgatory.

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I mean, literally, it's hell on earth.

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So people get into this state
and often they lash out,

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they become unpleasant
and negative and so on,

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because they're basically in pain.

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Now there are two strategies to that pain.

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First strategy - much loved by students -

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anaesthetic.

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(Laughter)

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Because if I can blot
out the meaning of life,

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that kind of existential question -

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if I'm wasted on a Friday night,

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I don't have to think
about what's the meaning of all this.

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It just goes away as a question.

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So then some people do this every night,
some people every weekend, getting wasted,

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either through alcohol and drugs.

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But the problem is
when the hangover wears off,

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the question returns; it's still there.

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You can't answer it.

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If you're smart, you realize
anesthetics won't help you.

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So you get into the second strategy,
which is distraction.

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There are lots of different
types of distraction.

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That distraction can simply be
that you become a gym bunny.

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Let's pump some iron.

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Because when I'm feeling the burn,
I don't have to think about the question.

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So I become "the body beautiful,"
stuck at the gym the whole time,

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getting the kick
on the endorphins and so on.

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But you realize that, actually,
when you get away from the gym,

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the question is there again.

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So the gym doesn't solve it.

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So you might use
a very common strategy:

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sex ...

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Right?

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Because while I am engaged
in the intimacy of the sexual union,

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I don't have to think about the question,
because I'm too busy doing this.

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(Laughter)

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But you may have noticed
that when the act is over,

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that bloody question comes back again.

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So some people go even more nuts:
I'll have sex with two people,

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(Laughter)

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then a whole crowd -

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desperately trying to get away
from this question that's bothering them:

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the meaning of their life.

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So if sex doesn't work -
and it doesn't, ultimately -

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then you get into materialism: shoes!

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I'll go and buy some shoes.

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Or a car, or a house, or a yacht.

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So we get into materialism,

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or some people that we see,
very common in industry, workaholism -

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they become work-addicted.

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Because while I am working
that hard, having to do stuff,

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I don't have to think about the question.

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None of that solves the problem.

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Because we mistakenly believe

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that the problem is out there
and the solution is out there,

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whereas the real problem is in here.

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You cannot solve your sense
of emptiness, or your unrest,

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with an external solution
outside of yourself.

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So stop looking out there,
you have to look in here,

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and particularly to look
at your own emotional experience.

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Now, most people go through their life
completely unaware of emotions,

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particularly us fellows, right?

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If somebody mentions the word "emotions,"
we run for the hills!

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Emotions are just energy in motion,
they're composite biological signals:

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the signals made up
of all the pounding heart rate,

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the sweaty palms,
the tension in the muscles

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or whatever is going on biologically,

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it's stereotypical energetic patterns -
energy in motion, they are e-motions.

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Now, we all have emotions,
every single second of every single day,

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even us fellows.

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Feelings, however,
are something entirely different.

00:12:05.682 --> 00:12:08.992
Feelings are the awareness
in our mind of the energy.

00:12:08.992 --> 00:12:11.953
So the energy is always there
but we don't necessarily feel it,

00:12:11.953 --> 00:12:13.633
and that's where we're stuck -

00:12:14.303 --> 00:12:18.663
is we haven't really learned
to understand our own emotional life.

00:12:18.663 --> 00:12:19.883
So we go through our life

00:12:19.883 --> 00:12:22.464
believing how we're feeling
on a moment by moment basis

00:12:22.464 --> 00:12:23.824
is down to somebody else.

00:12:23.824 --> 00:12:25.044
We actually say this:

00:12:25.044 --> 00:12:28.324
"You annoyed me,"
"You made me unhappy,"

00:12:28.594 --> 00:12:32.104
"You did it to me,"
and we point the finger at other people,

00:12:32.104 --> 00:12:35.304
believing other people are
the cause of our own unhappiness.

00:12:35.304 --> 00:12:36.355
So newsflash:

00:12:37.355 --> 00:12:39.345
nobody's doing it to you.

00:12:39.725 --> 00:12:41.535
Nobody's making you feel these things.

00:12:41.535 --> 00:12:43.355
I mean, what do you think that happens

00:12:43.355 --> 00:12:46.015
when you get frustrated
with somebody else?

00:12:46.015 --> 00:12:48.986
Did they come up to you
and inject you with frustration,

00:12:48.986 --> 00:12:50.906
with the chemicals of frustration?

00:12:51.276 --> 00:12:53.815
Did they create the electrical
signals of frustration,

00:12:53.815 --> 00:12:55.876
the pressure waves, the sound waves?

00:12:55.876 --> 00:12:58.127
No. You did that.

00:12:58.127 --> 00:13:02.456
You created that inside yourself
in response to their poor behavior.

00:13:03.526 --> 00:13:06.948
So, if you can accept
that you're doing it -

00:13:08.048 --> 00:13:10.038
it's not them, it's you -

00:13:10.728 --> 00:13:14.658
that simple truth takes you
from what we call the victim position,

00:13:15.408 --> 00:13:18.648
and it crosses the threshold to ownership.

00:13:19.108 --> 00:13:22.399
That's the most important transition
you'll ever make in your life.

00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:24.939
So to help you navigate that,

00:13:24.939 --> 00:13:28.839
first and foremost, you have to understand
where am I in the universe of emotions.

00:13:28.839 --> 00:13:32.489
If I asked you to write down your current
emotions and gave you five minutes,

00:13:32.489 --> 00:13:33.870
you'd have a list of things,

00:13:33.870 --> 00:13:36.640
and then we said, OK,
put your hands up who's got how many,

00:13:36.640 --> 00:13:39.020
and we did a test of how many you got,

00:13:39.020 --> 00:13:42.051
the average in a room like this
would be about ten or twelve.

00:13:42.611 --> 00:13:47.401
There are 34,000 emotions
that you can experience.

00:13:47.401 --> 00:13:49.710
Most people go through life
with ten or twelve.

00:13:49.710 --> 00:13:53.489
And just to try to help you navigate,
I'll show you an app that we've built

00:13:53.489 --> 00:13:56.811
to help people know where they are
in the universe of emotions.

00:13:56.811 --> 00:14:00.951
So we've plotted
all these emotions on a map,

00:14:00.951 --> 00:14:03.342
and this map shows you the axes.

00:14:03.342 --> 00:14:08.903
So, to the top of the axis
in the universe of emotions,

00:14:08.903 --> 00:14:12.153
we've got the ones that are,
sort of, more energy, if you like,

00:14:12.153 --> 00:14:14.803
and to the bottom the ones
that are more relaxed.

00:14:14.803 --> 00:14:16.844
To the left the ones
that are more positive

00:14:16.844 --> 00:14:19.144
and to the right the ones
that are more negative.

00:14:19.144 --> 00:14:22.714
So you can see that we've plotted
maybe the 20 commonest emotions there,

00:14:22.714 --> 00:14:26.365
and as I'm talking to you, right now,
you're somewhere on this grid.

00:14:26.365 --> 00:14:30.355
You're somewhere in the universe
experiencing one of these planets,

00:14:30.355 --> 00:14:33.685
and we can bring in the next 100 emotions,

00:14:33.685 --> 00:14:37.225
we can bring in the next
200 emotions, the next 1,000.

00:14:37.225 --> 00:14:40.786
So we've built this app to try
and crowd source with you all 34,000,

00:14:40.786 --> 00:14:43.996
we've built it with
just 2,000 as a starter.

00:14:43.996 --> 00:14:49.286
And you can enter into
one of the 64 galaxies that exist

00:14:49.286 --> 00:14:51.297
and start to navigate round

00:14:51.297 --> 00:14:55.277
and see where you are in relation
to some of the other emotions,

00:14:55.277 --> 00:14:58.466
because if you don't know
where you are, you're lost.

00:14:59.476 --> 00:15:02.008
Now, you'd never get control
of your own state,

00:15:02.008 --> 00:15:05.818
and it's really important for your health,
for your well-being, for your success,

00:15:05.818 --> 00:15:06.958
whatever you're doing,

00:15:06.958 --> 00:15:09.468
whether you're a sportsperson
or a business leader,

00:15:09.468 --> 00:15:12.129
that you can start to control
your own emotional state

00:15:12.129 --> 00:15:13.728
of what's going on for you.

00:15:13.728 --> 00:15:15.268
If you don't know where you are,

00:15:15.268 --> 00:15:17.479
how can you possibly
control any of this stuff?

00:15:17.479 --> 00:15:19.239
The answer is you can't.

00:15:19.239 --> 00:15:23.339
So the start of the journey
is even knowing which planet are you on.

00:15:24.009 --> 00:15:27.310
This is designed to help you,
and you can see in the top corner there,

00:15:27.310 --> 00:15:31.199
it shows you roughly where you are
in the universe, at any point in time.

00:15:31.199 --> 00:15:35.431
Now, we can zoom in
into one of these 64 galaxies

00:15:35.431 --> 00:15:37.521
and look at a specific solar system.

00:15:37.521 --> 00:15:40.661
So, where do we go into? Maybe, Sociable.

00:15:40.661 --> 00:15:41.671
We can see.

00:15:41.671 --> 00:15:44.542
So let's zoom in 
to the solar system of Sociable

00:15:44.542 --> 00:15:47.611
and start to see
what planets are around you.

00:15:47.611 --> 00:15:49.992
If you want to move
from Sociable to something else

00:15:49.992 --> 00:15:53.832
and then gradually navigate yourself
to a different part of the universe,

00:15:53.832 --> 00:15:55.303
you can see where you are.

00:15:56.283 --> 00:15:59.022
Most importantly,
you can track where you are,

00:15:59.022 --> 00:16:00.951
so you can enter some notes.

00:16:00.951 --> 00:16:04.413
You visit the planet of,
I don't know, Popular.

00:16:04.413 --> 00:16:06.424
I felt popular today.

00:16:06.424 --> 00:16:09.434
People came up and gave me
various messages, and I felt popular.

00:16:09.434 --> 00:16:13.415
And you could enter
how popular you felt or you didn't feel

00:16:13.415 --> 00:16:15.124
and actually keep an audit trail,

00:16:15.124 --> 00:16:17.455
and you can socialize this
with your mates.

00:16:17.455 --> 00:16:23.074
You can either share it on Facebook
or tweet it or Gmail it

00:16:23.074 --> 00:16:27.535
and see, well, who else 
is in the solar system of Sociable

00:16:27.535 --> 00:16:30.465
or even on the planet Popular -
who else is out there.

00:16:30.465 --> 00:16:31.596
And I can track,

00:16:31.596 --> 00:16:34.296
as it does with these audit trails,
of where I've been.

00:16:34.296 --> 00:16:36.875
So this is your start point,
starting to get a grip

00:16:36.875 --> 00:16:39.927
of do you even know
which planet you're on,

00:16:40.397 --> 00:16:43.537
which are the nearest planets
and how you can start to move around,

00:16:43.537 --> 00:16:47.447
start to get some navigational capability
within that universe.

00:16:48.027 --> 00:16:51.187
So the first thing is you've got
to learn navigational potential,

00:16:51.187 --> 00:16:54.998
and this is designed to help you build
your emotional repertoire.

00:16:54.998 --> 00:16:57.358
So you're not just stuck
with twelve emotions,

00:16:57.358 --> 00:16:58.898
or in some people frankly:

00:16:58.898 --> 00:17:00.028
two!

00:17:00.998 --> 00:17:04.979
I feel "yuck" or "OK,"
the only two motions they've got.

00:17:05.919 --> 00:17:07.749
So you've got to build a repertoire,

00:17:07.749 --> 00:17:10.429
and what you discover
as you start to build a repertoire,

00:17:10.429 --> 00:17:13.819
some emotions are
better antidotes than others.

00:17:13.819 --> 00:17:16.590
So you can start to navigate around.

00:17:16.590 --> 00:17:17.849
The second maneuver,

00:17:17.849 --> 00:17:21.010
once you've started
to navigate around the universe,

00:17:21.010 --> 00:17:24.489
is really, once you get
to a more constructive planet,

00:17:24.489 --> 00:17:27.931
there's no right and wrong,
but is this emotion really serving you?

00:17:27.931 --> 00:17:30.201
When you get
to a more constructive planet,

00:17:30.201 --> 00:17:31.649
can you stay there?

00:17:31.649 --> 00:17:34.531
And that really requires you
to do a separate maneuver,

00:17:34.531 --> 00:17:35.702
it's called Mastery,

00:17:35.702 --> 00:17:40.141
where you actually take the emotion
which is subject to you -

00:17:40.141 --> 00:17:44.742
it's a subjective experience,
below the level of your real awareness,

00:17:44.742 --> 00:17:48.223
you're sort of subject to it,
i.e. it's got you.

00:17:48.223 --> 00:17:52.033
So if you've got anger,
if anger is going through your system,

00:17:52.033 --> 00:17:53.613
if you're on the planet of Anger,

00:17:53.613 --> 00:17:54.612
it's got you.

00:17:54.612 --> 00:17:57.344
You haven't got it; it's got you.

00:17:57.344 --> 00:18:00.193
The way to get control over it
is to objectify it.

00:18:00.193 --> 00:18:02.274
Like, "Oh, it is anger."

00:18:02.274 --> 00:18:04.414
So you take it out
as a subjective experience,

00:18:04.414 --> 00:18:05.734
and you objectify it.

00:18:05.734 --> 00:18:08.325
And if you can objectify it,
you can get a grip of it.

00:18:08.795 --> 00:18:11.185
If you can do that
with your positive emotions,

00:18:11.185 --> 00:18:14.464
then you can move yourself
over to the positive side of the universe

00:18:14.464 --> 00:18:15.895
and stay there.

00:18:16.415 --> 00:18:20.686
So you really don't have to feel anything
you do not want to feel.

00:18:21.606 --> 00:18:24.915
Misery is optional,
you don't have to feel that.

00:18:25.305 --> 00:18:27.935
But if you haven't got control,

00:18:27.935 --> 00:18:28.976
then who has?

00:18:28.976 --> 00:18:31.567
And the answer is usually
somebody outside of you.

00:18:31.567 --> 00:18:33.157
So I'd really encourage you,

00:18:33.157 --> 00:18:35.427
if you want to transform
your life forever -

00:18:35.427 --> 00:18:38.636
because, ultimately,
emotions will predict your health,

00:18:38.636 --> 00:18:42.888
they'll predict your performance,
your wellbeing, your sense of fulfillment,

00:18:42.888 --> 00:18:47.658
they'll determine your ability
to make effective decisions,

00:18:47.658 --> 00:18:50.988
emotions drive all of that,
your motivation and so on.

00:18:50.988 --> 00:18:53.669
If you don't know about them
and have control over them,

00:18:53.669 --> 00:18:56.479
it's a little bit of a lottery as life.

00:18:56.479 --> 00:19:00.650
So if you go away after today,
and ask yourself one question:

00:19:00.650 --> 00:19:02.860
what planet am I on?

00:19:03.520 --> 00:19:05.880
And what planet would I like to be on?

00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:09.260
And start to work to be
on the planet that you want to be on

00:19:09.260 --> 00:19:12.311
rather than wherever life has pushed you.

00:19:13.221 --> 00:19:15.910
Imagine a world where all of us

00:19:15.910 --> 00:19:18.781
could be on the planet
we wanted to be on,

00:19:18.781 --> 00:19:20.870
or navigate around
that kind of solar system

00:19:20.870 --> 00:19:23.262
or the galaxies that we
wanted to experience.

00:19:23.262 --> 00:19:24.782
Imagine a world

00:19:24.782 --> 00:19:29.512
where, when you go to the bar to chat up
that attractive person at the bar,

00:19:29.512 --> 00:19:31.512
you didn't need four pints
of Dutch courage

00:19:31.512 --> 00:19:33.363
before you could go there.

00:19:33.893 --> 00:19:36.821
Imagine you could just do that yourself.

00:19:36.821 --> 00:19:37.943
Imagine a world

00:19:37.943 --> 00:19:42.223
where you didn't need to feel anxious
going into an exam or a job interview,

00:19:42.223 --> 00:19:45.504
where you didn't need
to feel terrified coming on stage.

00:19:45.504 --> 00:19:49.103
Imagine a world where your children,
on the receiving end of bullying,

00:19:49.103 --> 00:19:51.314
didn't feel terrified or bullied.

00:19:52.094 --> 00:19:56.943
If you could control your emotions,
you can change your life completely.

00:19:57.463 --> 00:19:58.785
So I'd really encourage you

00:19:58.785 --> 00:20:02.615
to start wondering about
what planet you're on

00:20:02.615 --> 00:20:05.434
and start putting
yourself in the universe,

00:20:05.434 --> 00:20:09.005
in that part of the universe
where you really want to live your life.

00:20:09.005 --> 00:20:10.276
Thank you very much.

00:20:10.276 --> 00:20:13.316
(Applause)