1 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,177 Good afternoon. 2 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,258 It's a real pleasure to do another TED Talk. 3 00:00:12,258 --> 00:00:16,048 And today I'm going to talk to you about you. 4 00:00:16,748 --> 00:00:19,238 And share with you, hopefully, 5 00:00:19,238 --> 00:00:22,748 an idea that's really made a massive difference in my life 6 00:00:22,748 --> 00:00:25,789 and hopefully could make a massive difference in your life too. 7 00:00:26,888 --> 00:00:29,809 I've spent my life, really, studying human beings. 8 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,470 When I was a kid, I was the youngest of four, 9 00:00:32,470 --> 00:00:35,370 so I spent a lot of time just watching my brothers and sisters 10 00:00:35,370 --> 00:00:38,260 and seeing the mess and the challenge that they got into, 11 00:00:38,260 --> 00:00:40,499 and trying to clock how I avoided that. 12 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:43,131 Then I had the great fortune of training as a physician, 13 00:00:43,131 --> 00:00:45,091 and some of you may know 14 00:00:45,091 --> 00:00:48,941 that medical training is the most incredible opportunity, 15 00:00:48,941 --> 00:00:52,141 because you get up close and personal with human suffering 16 00:00:52,141 --> 00:00:55,271 on every single level, on a daily basis. 17 00:00:55,791 --> 00:00:58,792 I've been in a room where people have died right in front of me, 18 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,561 and it's a really profound moment. 19 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,821 I've also been in a room where life has come into the world; 20 00:01:03,821 --> 00:01:09,263 I've delivered a number of children, including three of my own four boys, 21 00:01:09,823 --> 00:01:11,203 one of whom is at the back - 22 00:01:11,203 --> 00:01:12,213 Hi, son. 23 00:01:12,213 --> 00:01:14,842 (Laughter) 24 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,842 (Son from the audience) Hi, dad! 25 00:01:19,423 --> 00:01:22,154 So medical training, a fantastic experience. 26 00:01:23,104 --> 00:01:26,373 I became a researcher, initially an immunologist, 27 00:01:26,373 --> 00:01:28,974 and studied right down to the nano detail 28 00:01:28,974 --> 00:01:33,126 of how our white blood cells roll along the inside of our blood vessels 29 00:01:33,516 --> 00:01:35,484 and with really clever adhesion molecules 30 00:01:35,484 --> 00:01:38,555 stick and kind of squeeze out between the endothelia cells 31 00:01:38,555 --> 00:01:40,084 and fight infection. 32 00:01:40,084 --> 00:01:44,125 More recently as a neuroscientist. So right down at nano level. 33 00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,615 And also at a much bigger scale. 34 00:01:46,615 --> 00:01:50,815 I had the good fortune of working with CEOs and leaders around the world 35 00:01:50,815 --> 00:01:53,306 in some of our biggest companies and multi-nationals, 36 00:01:53,306 --> 00:01:56,347 looking at the hidden social dynamics and the networks that exist 37 00:01:56,347 --> 00:01:59,676 that determine whether a company succeeds or fails. 38 00:02:00,308 --> 00:02:01,277 As you heard, 39 00:02:01,277 --> 00:02:04,618 I've worked with elite athletes, helping them to win gold medals. 40 00:02:05,218 --> 00:02:07,778 I've read a lot, learned a lot. 41 00:02:07,778 --> 00:02:11,808 And through all that time, one question kept bothering me, 42 00:02:11,808 --> 00:02:14,008 sort of eating away at my brain. 43 00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:15,239 And that question was: 44 00:02:15,239 --> 00:02:22,029 if you could teach yourself, your children, or anybody one thing, 45 00:02:22,619 --> 00:02:23,848 what would it be? 46 00:02:23,848 --> 00:02:25,238 What would that one thing be? 47 00:02:25,638 --> 00:02:27,009 You can only teach one thing 48 00:02:27,009 --> 00:02:29,150 of all the things I've learned and understood, 49 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,480 and it's that that I want to share with you today. 50 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:32,590 What is that one thing? 51 00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:36,510 I can tell you it's not "Eat an apple"; that's not what it is. 52 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,641 We're going to talk about that. 53 00:02:38,641 --> 00:02:42,950 But before, I want to return, just, to really the story of you. 54 00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:44,581 I don't know whether you remember, 55 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:48,582 but there was a time before you knew you existed. 56 00:02:48,582 --> 00:02:51,961 For some of you that was probably last Friday night, after a skinful. 57 00:02:51,961 --> 00:02:52,961 (Laughter) 58 00:02:53,891 --> 00:02:56,392 But as we all grow up, there's a moment in our life - 59 00:02:56,392 --> 00:02:59,192 and this is a really beautiful moment if you witness it - 60 00:02:59,192 --> 00:03:01,193 where you can see, about one year old - 61 00:03:01,193 --> 00:03:04,712 it might happen a bit sooner, a bit later, but roughly about one year old - 62 00:03:04,712 --> 00:03:08,253 where a child realizes they exist as a physical entity. 63 00:03:08,533 --> 00:03:11,733 It's that moment where they look in the mirror, and they kind of go, 64 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,552 "Oh, that's me!" 65 00:03:13,552 --> 00:03:15,484 They move their hand and that hand moves, 66 00:03:15,484 --> 00:03:17,383 and they realize that that's them. 67 00:03:17,383 --> 00:03:20,033 So they have a physical awareness, if you will. 68 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,244 But they haven't yet developed an awareness of their emotional self, 69 00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:25,245 which is why you get the terrible twos. 70 00:03:25,245 --> 00:03:26,825 So when a two-year-old is hungry, 71 00:03:26,825 --> 00:03:30,275 the world is hungry and why aren't we eating? 72 00:03:30,275 --> 00:03:34,735 So there's that kind of intensity, that egocentricity in a two-year-old. 73 00:03:35,775 --> 00:03:38,076 That's where they kind of get to test the power. 74 00:03:38,076 --> 00:03:39,276 So in the supermarket, 75 00:03:39,276 --> 00:03:43,177 it's "Mom, mom, that that, me, me, food, food, me, me, me, food," 76 00:03:43,177 --> 00:03:45,986 and they kind of bother you to a great extent. 77 00:03:45,986 --> 00:03:50,428 And then again, it's witnessable, this moment where they suddenly realize 78 00:03:50,428 --> 00:03:52,946 that not only are they physically separate from you, 79 00:03:52,946 --> 00:03:55,908 but their emotions are not your emotions. 80 00:03:55,908 --> 00:03:57,398 You may have witnessed this 81 00:03:57,398 --> 00:04:00,629 with a child walking down the aisle in the supermarket, 82 00:04:00,629 --> 00:04:05,317 eyes, streaming red, bawling in frustration and rage 83 00:04:05,317 --> 00:04:07,233 that they can't get what they want, 84 00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:10,009 and then looking at you completely baffled, 85 00:04:10,009 --> 00:04:11,479 like: "Why aren't you crying?" 86 00:04:11,479 --> 00:04:13,909 "We're hungry; we want those chocolates." 87 00:04:13,909 --> 00:04:15,189 (Laughter) 88 00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:17,037 There's that bafflement in their eyes, 89 00:04:17,037 --> 00:04:19,010 that sort of thousand yard stare. 90 00:04:19,010 --> 00:04:22,600 And that's the emergence of the awareness of the emotional self, 91 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,470 separate from the parent or the caregiver. 92 00:04:25,470 --> 00:04:27,210 So that's a sort of second level up, 93 00:04:27,210 --> 00:04:29,801 but it's not until they get to three to six years old 94 00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:32,070 that they get into the "conceptual self," 95 00:04:32,070 --> 00:04:35,241 and part of that emergence is a sense of identity. 96 00:04:35,241 --> 00:04:37,380 So it's what you would know as consciousness, 97 00:04:37,380 --> 00:04:39,442 is they start to become aware - 98 00:04:39,442 --> 00:04:42,032 not only that they're physically, emotionally separate, 99 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:43,972 but they've got an identity. 100 00:04:43,972 --> 00:04:46,231 And it blossoms between three and six years old. 101 00:04:46,231 --> 00:04:47,692 One of the things that happens 102 00:04:47,692 --> 00:04:49,982 in the emergence of conceptual self is language. 103 00:04:49,982 --> 00:04:53,983 So language is essentially a concept: it's a noise to represent something. 104 00:04:53,983 --> 00:04:56,923 So the emergence of conceptual self happens, 105 00:04:56,923 --> 00:04:59,303 and we start to label our universe - 106 00:04:59,303 --> 00:05:02,844 you know, cat, dog, bat, ball, window, floor, and so on. 107 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:06,134 So the world starts to make sense and we start to be able to navigate. 108 00:05:06,134 --> 00:05:08,304 Children between the age of three and six 109 00:05:08,304 --> 00:05:10,664 learn about six new words every single day. 110 00:05:10,664 --> 00:05:13,355 There's phenomenal language acquisition going on. 111 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:15,215 But only from the fourth level, 112 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,303 which is called concrete consciousness, 113 00:05:17,303 --> 00:05:20,955 they start to learn the rules that govern the concepts. 114 00:05:21,525 --> 00:05:23,126 Then it all starts to make sense: 115 00:05:23,126 --> 00:05:25,106 why is a dog a dog and a cat a cat? 116 00:05:25,106 --> 00:05:27,026 Why is a mummy a mummy and daddy a daddy? 117 00:05:27,026 --> 00:05:28,315 What's the rule? 118 00:05:28,885 --> 00:05:31,265 It's in that between six and nine years old 119 00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,716 that the fun starts to happen. 120 00:05:32,716 --> 00:05:34,986 So if you speak to a seven-year-old, 121 00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:37,807 you can start to have fun by playing against the rules - 122 00:05:37,807 --> 00:05:39,996 you know, look at that cat going woof-woof? 123 00:05:39,996 --> 00:05:41,018 No! 124 00:05:41,978 --> 00:05:45,448 Cats go meow! They don't go woof-woof. 125 00:05:45,998 --> 00:05:49,057 And it makes them laugh because you're playing against the rules. 126 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,827 There's this whole rule emergence that occurs 127 00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:53,938 in a child between six and nine. 128 00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:57,488 And then that's where most people 129 00:05:57,488 --> 00:05:59,038 stay ... 130 00:05:59,038 --> 00:06:01,818 (Laughter) 131 00:06:02,518 --> 00:06:05,268 Most of the people you're going to meet, 20, 30, 40, 132 00:06:05,268 --> 00:06:07,190 on the inside: nine! 133 00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:09,059 (Laughter) 134 00:06:09,742 --> 00:06:11,412 See it in accompanies all the time: 135 00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:13,730 toys out of the pram, behaving like children. 136 00:06:13,730 --> 00:06:15,070 It's very common. 137 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,700 There is an attempt, usually in the early teenage years, 138 00:06:17,700 --> 00:06:20,751 to get beyond that concrete self, to get beyond the rules, 139 00:06:20,751 --> 00:06:23,131 which is why you get teenage conflict. 140 00:06:23,131 --> 00:06:26,101 You'll see it, and parents try to suppress this, 141 00:06:26,101 --> 00:06:27,261 like it's a bad thing. 142 00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:28,562 It's a developmental stage! 143 00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:31,701 You shouldn't be suppressing this stuff; they're testing the rules. 144 00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,152 So this battle ensues: 145 00:06:33,152 --> 00:06:36,682 you told me to be home at ten, I want to be home at 11. 146 00:06:36,682 --> 00:06:39,132 You told me to be honest; you're not being honest, 147 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,572 and the fight breaks out. 148 00:06:40,572 --> 00:06:43,013 And they have their whole turbulent teenage years. 149 00:06:43,013 --> 00:06:47,442 Regardless of who wins that battle, whether it's mom or dad or the child, 150 00:06:47,442 --> 00:06:49,693 it bubbles along for a few years. 151 00:06:49,693 --> 00:06:52,484 Now eventually, regardless of who wins the battle, 152 00:06:52,484 --> 00:06:54,723 they leave home - hopefully. 153 00:06:54,723 --> 00:06:57,864 (Laughter) 154 00:06:57,864 --> 00:07:01,184 (Applause) 155 00:07:02,294 --> 00:07:03,915 They go! Right? 156 00:07:05,265 --> 00:07:08,643 But then a much bigger parent called society comes in 157 00:07:08,643 --> 00:07:10,734 and imposes its rules. 158 00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,265 So a lot of people go back into the concrete, 159 00:07:13,265 --> 00:07:16,646 not like transferred but back in the concrete following a set of rules, 160 00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:19,376 that we start to believe that we've got to get a degree, 161 00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:23,295 we've got to get a job, a relationship, a car, a house, 162 00:07:23,295 --> 00:07:27,066 we've got to get all these things to be a good corporate citizen. 163 00:07:27,066 --> 00:07:29,947 So we start to follow the rules, and we enter a company, 164 00:07:29,947 --> 00:07:33,037 and we start to work our way up the career ladder, 165 00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:34,477 following the rules. 166 00:07:35,257 --> 00:07:38,256 So a lot of people you'll encounter are back in that concrete, 167 00:07:38,256 --> 00:07:40,368 their life become stereotypical. 168 00:07:40,368 --> 00:07:42,008 You'll see people talk about this: 169 00:07:42,008 --> 00:07:44,108 "That's not how we do things at this company. 170 00:07:44,108 --> 00:07:47,257 You'll be the Chief Executive, I'll be the Chief Financial Officer. 171 00:07:47,257 --> 00:07:48,829 That's how we do it around here." 172 00:07:48,829 --> 00:07:51,439 It's a set of rules that we're all following, 173 00:07:51,439 --> 00:07:53,789 and we're often not even aware of those rules. 174 00:07:53,789 --> 00:07:56,309 And that will often happen for the rest of your life; 175 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,649 you don't even realize you're running the rules. 176 00:07:58,649 --> 00:08:01,770 By the way, these rules weren't given to you with your permission; 177 00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:05,429 they were just imposed by parents or society. 178 00:08:05,779 --> 00:08:07,370 We're not even aware of it. 179 00:08:07,650 --> 00:08:10,470 If you're lucky, you have a crisis. 180 00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:12,041 At some point in your life, 181 00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:15,376 something terrible happens to get you to question the rules. 182 00:08:15,376 --> 00:08:17,434 Now, most people this never happens to - 183 00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:20,410 or if it does, it doesn't cause them to question. 184 00:08:20,410 --> 00:08:22,232 That might be the loss of a loved one, 185 00:08:22,232 --> 00:08:25,012 the loss of a relationship or something terrible happens, 186 00:08:25,012 --> 00:08:27,301 usually, most commonly, in midlife. 187 00:08:27,951 --> 00:08:30,912 Then you enter the stage what we call "the disease of meaning," 188 00:08:30,912 --> 00:08:32,260 is it starts to occur to you 189 00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:34,793 there's something wrong with the picture of your life. 190 00:08:34,793 --> 00:08:38,803 I've been following all these rules, and it hasn't delivered. 191 00:08:38,803 --> 00:08:41,123 I thought if I was a good corporate citizen, 192 00:08:41,123 --> 00:08:44,773 and I got a good job, and a good house, and paid tax and all of that stuff, 193 00:08:44,773 --> 00:08:47,184 I would be happy and blissful forever; 194 00:08:47,184 --> 00:08:48,424 and I'm not. 195 00:08:48,884 --> 00:08:52,034 That's the disease of meaning, and that is real pain. 196 00:08:52,034 --> 00:08:55,375 If that happens in a religious context, people call it purgatory. 197 00:08:56,014 --> 00:08:58,045 I mean, literally, it's hell on earth. 198 00:08:58,045 --> 00:09:00,574 So people get into this state and often they lash out, 199 00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,574 they become unpleasant and negative and so on, 200 00:09:03,574 --> 00:09:05,604 because they're basically in pain. 201 00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:08,175 Now there are two strategies to that pain. 202 00:09:08,175 --> 00:09:10,243 First strategy - much loved by students - 203 00:09:10,243 --> 00:09:11,773 anaesthetic. 204 00:09:11,773 --> 00:09:13,665 (Laughter) 205 00:09:14,275 --> 00:09:17,076 Because if I can blot out the meaning of life, 206 00:09:17,076 --> 00:09:19,176 that kind of existential question - 207 00:09:19,176 --> 00:09:21,287 if I'm wasted on a Friday night, 208 00:09:21,287 --> 00:09:24,687 I don't have to think about what's the meaning of all this. 209 00:09:24,687 --> 00:09:26,756 It just goes away as a question. 210 00:09:26,756 --> 00:09:31,068 So then some people do this every night, some people every weekend, getting wasted, 211 00:09:31,068 --> 00:09:32,698 either through alcohol and drugs. 212 00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,368 But the problem is when the hangover wears off, 213 00:09:35,368 --> 00:09:38,319 the question returns; it's still there. 214 00:09:39,259 --> 00:09:40,609 You can't answer it. 215 00:09:40,609 --> 00:09:43,229 If you're smart, you realize anesthetics won't help you. 216 00:09:43,229 --> 00:09:45,969 So you get into the second strategy, which is distraction. 217 00:09:46,369 --> 00:09:49,009 There are lots of different types of distraction. 218 00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:52,345 That distraction can simply be that you become a gym bunny. 219 00:09:53,425 --> 00:09:55,029 Let's pump some iron. 220 00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:59,660 Because when I'm feeling the burn, I don't have to think about the question. 221 00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:03,861 So I become "the body beautiful," stuck at the gym the whole time, 222 00:10:04,391 --> 00:10:07,241 getting the kick on the endorphins and so on. 223 00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:10,201 But you realize that, actually, when you get away from the gym, 224 00:10:10,201 --> 00:10:11,801 the question is there again. 225 00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:13,612 So the gym doesn't solve it. 226 00:10:13,612 --> 00:10:16,392 So you might use a very common strategy: 227 00:10:16,392 --> 00:10:17,961 sex ... 228 00:10:17,961 --> 00:10:18,961 Right? 229 00:10:18,961 --> 00:10:21,972 Because while I am engaged in the intimacy of the sexual union, 230 00:10:21,972 --> 00:10:25,483 I don't have to think about the question, because I'm too busy doing this. 231 00:10:25,483 --> 00:10:27,443 (Laughter) 232 00:10:28,983 --> 00:10:32,383 But you may have noticed that when the act is over, 233 00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:34,614 that bloody question comes back again. 234 00:10:35,744 --> 00:10:38,763 So some people go even more nuts: I'll have sex with two people, 235 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:39,764 (Laughter) 236 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,324 then a whole crowd - 237 00:10:41,824 --> 00:10:45,561 desperately trying to get away from this question that's bothering them: 238 00:10:46,431 --> 00:10:48,235 the meaning of their life. 239 00:10:48,235 --> 00:10:51,555 So if sex doesn't work - and it doesn't, ultimately - 240 00:10:51,555 --> 00:10:54,212 then you get into materialism: shoes! 241 00:10:54,212 --> 00:10:56,166 I'll go and buy some shoes. 242 00:10:56,926 --> 00:10:59,256 Or a car, or a house, or a yacht. 243 00:10:59,256 --> 00:11:00,545 So we get into materialism, 244 00:11:00,545 --> 00:11:03,676 or some people that we see, very common in industry, workaholism - 245 00:11:03,676 --> 00:11:04,976 they become work-addicted. 246 00:11:04,976 --> 00:11:07,656 Because while I am working that hard, having to do stuff, 247 00:11:07,656 --> 00:11:09,617 I don't have to think about the question. 248 00:11:09,617 --> 00:11:11,565 None of that solves the problem. 249 00:11:11,565 --> 00:11:13,637 Because we mistakenly believe 250 00:11:13,637 --> 00:11:16,527 that the problem is out there and the solution is out there, 251 00:11:16,527 --> 00:11:18,678 whereas the real problem is in here. 252 00:11:19,158 --> 00:11:23,868 You cannot solve your sense of emptiness, or your unrest, 253 00:11:23,868 --> 00:11:26,347 with an external solution outside of yourself. 254 00:11:26,347 --> 00:11:29,499 So stop looking out there, you have to look in here, 255 00:11:29,499 --> 00:11:33,127 and particularly to look at your own emotional experience. 256 00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:37,149 Now, most people go through their life completely unaware of emotions, 257 00:11:37,149 --> 00:11:38,689 particularly us fellows, right? 258 00:11:38,689 --> 00:11:42,130 If somebody mentions the word "emotions," we run for the hills! 259 00:11:43,130 --> 00:11:46,980 Emotions are just energy in motion, they're composite biological signals: 260 00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:49,541 the signals made up of all the pounding heart rate, 261 00:11:49,541 --> 00:11:51,641 the sweaty palms, the tension in the muscles 262 00:11:51,641 --> 00:11:53,891 or whatever is going on biologically, 263 00:11:53,891 --> 00:11:58,731 it's stereotypical energetic patterns - energy in motion, they are e-motions. 264 00:11:58,731 --> 00:12:01,870 Now, we all have emotions, every single second of every single day, 265 00:12:01,870 --> 00:12:03,231 even us fellows. 266 00:12:03,231 --> 00:12:05,682 Feelings, however, are something entirely different. 267 00:12:05,682 --> 00:12:08,992 Feelings are the awareness in our mind of the energy. 268 00:12:08,992 --> 00:12:11,953 So the energy is always there but we don't necessarily feel it, 269 00:12:11,953 --> 00:12:13,633 and that's where we're stuck - 270 00:12:14,303 --> 00:12:18,663 is we haven't really learned to understand our own emotional life. 271 00:12:18,663 --> 00:12:19,883 So we go through our life 272 00:12:19,883 --> 00:12:22,464 believing how we're feeling on a moment by moment basis 273 00:12:22,464 --> 00:12:23,824 is down to somebody else. 274 00:12:23,824 --> 00:12:25,044 We actually say this: 275 00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:28,324 "You annoyed me," "You made me unhappy," 276 00:12:28,594 --> 00:12:32,104 "You did it to me," and we point the finger at other people, 277 00:12:32,104 --> 00:12:35,304 believing other people are the cause of our own unhappiness. 278 00:12:35,304 --> 00:12:36,355 So newsflash: 279 00:12:37,355 --> 00:12:39,345 nobody's doing it to you. 280 00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:41,535 Nobody's making you feel these things. 281 00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:43,355 I mean, what do you think that happens 282 00:12:43,355 --> 00:12:46,015 when you get frustrated with somebody else? 283 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:48,986 Did they come up to you and inject you with frustration, 284 00:12:48,986 --> 00:12:50,906 with the chemicals of frustration? 285 00:12:51,276 --> 00:12:53,815 Did they create the electrical signals of frustration, 286 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,876 the pressure waves, the sound waves? 287 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,127 No. You did that. 288 00:12:58,127 --> 00:13:02,456 You created that inside yourself in response to their poor behavior. 289 00:13:03,526 --> 00:13:06,948 So, if you can accept that you're doing it - 290 00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,038 it's not them, it's you - 291 00:13:10,728 --> 00:13:14,658 that simple truth takes you from what we call the victim position, 292 00:13:15,408 --> 00:13:18,648 and it crosses the threshold to ownership. 293 00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:22,399 That's the most important transition you'll ever make in your life. 294 00:13:22,399 --> 00:13:24,939 So to help you navigate that, 295 00:13:24,939 --> 00:13:28,839 first and foremost, you have to understand where am I in the universe of emotions. 296 00:13:28,839 --> 00:13:32,489 If I asked you to write down your current emotions and gave you five minutes, 297 00:13:32,489 --> 00:13:33,870 you'd have a list of things, 298 00:13:33,870 --> 00:13:36,640 and then we said, OK, put your hands up who's got how many, 299 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,020 and we did a test of how many you got, 300 00:13:39,020 --> 00:13:42,051 the average in a room like this would be about ten or twelve. 301 00:13:42,611 --> 00:13:47,401 There are 34,000 emotions that you can experience. 302 00:13:47,401 --> 00:13:49,710 Most people go through life with ten or twelve. 303 00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:53,489 And just to try to help you navigate, I'll show you an app that we've built 304 00:13:53,489 --> 00:13:56,811 to help people know where they are in the universe of emotions. 305 00:13:56,811 --> 00:14:00,951 So we've plotted all these emotions on a map, 306 00:14:00,951 --> 00:14:03,342 and this map shows you the axes. 307 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:08,903 So, to the top of the axis in the universe of emotions, 308 00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:12,153 we've got the ones that are, sort of, more energy, if you like, 309 00:14:12,153 --> 00:14:14,803 and to the bottom the ones that are more relaxed. 310 00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:16,844 To the left the ones that are more positive 311 00:14:16,844 --> 00:14:19,144 and to the right the ones that are more negative. 312 00:14:19,144 --> 00:14:22,714 So you can see that we've plotted maybe the 20 commonest emotions there, 313 00:14:22,714 --> 00:14:26,365 and as I'm talking to you, right now, you're somewhere on this grid. 314 00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:30,355 You're somewhere in the universe experiencing one of these planets, 315 00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:33,685 and we can bring in the next 100 emotions, 316 00:14:33,685 --> 00:14:37,225 we can bring in the next 200 emotions, the next 1,000. 317 00:14:37,225 --> 00:14:40,786 So we've built this app to try and crowd source with you all 34,000, 318 00:14:40,786 --> 00:14:43,996 we've built it with just 2,000 as a starter. 319 00:14:43,996 --> 00:14:49,286 And you can enter into one of the 64 galaxies that exist 320 00:14:49,286 --> 00:14:51,297 and start to navigate round 321 00:14:51,297 --> 00:14:55,277 and see where you are in relation to some of the other emotions, 322 00:14:55,277 --> 00:14:58,466 because if you don't know where you are, you're lost. 323 00:14:59,476 --> 00:15:02,008 Now, you'd never get control of your own state, 324 00:15:02,008 --> 00:15:05,818 and it's really important for your health, for your well-being, for your success, 325 00:15:05,818 --> 00:15:06,958 whatever you're doing, 326 00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:09,468 whether you're a sportsperson or a business leader, 327 00:15:09,468 --> 00:15:12,129 that you can start to control your own emotional state 328 00:15:12,129 --> 00:15:13,728 of what's going on for you. 329 00:15:13,728 --> 00:15:15,268 If you don't know where you are, 330 00:15:15,268 --> 00:15:17,479 how can you possibly control any of this stuff? 331 00:15:17,479 --> 00:15:19,239 The answer is you can't. 332 00:15:19,239 --> 00:15:23,339 So the start of the journey is even knowing which planet are you on. 333 00:15:24,009 --> 00:15:27,310 This is designed to help you, and you can see in the top corner there, 334 00:15:27,310 --> 00:15:31,199 it shows you roughly where you are in the universe, at any point in time. 335 00:15:31,199 --> 00:15:35,431 Now, we can zoom in into one of these 64 galaxies 336 00:15:35,431 --> 00:15:37,521 and look at a specific solar system. 337 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:40,661 So, where do we go into? Maybe, Sociable. 338 00:15:40,661 --> 00:15:41,671 We can see. 339 00:15:41,671 --> 00:15:44,542 So let's zoom in to the solar system of Sociable 340 00:15:44,542 --> 00:15:47,611 and start to see what planets are around you. 341 00:15:47,611 --> 00:15:49,992 If you want to move from Sociable to something else 342 00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:53,832 and then gradually navigate yourself to a different part of the universe, 343 00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:55,303 you can see where you are. 344 00:15:56,283 --> 00:15:59,022 Most importantly, you can track where you are, 345 00:15:59,022 --> 00:16:00,951 so you can enter some notes. 346 00:16:00,951 --> 00:16:04,413 You visit the planet of, I don't know, Popular. 347 00:16:04,413 --> 00:16:06,424 I felt popular today. 348 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,434 People came up and gave me various messages, and I felt popular. 349 00:16:09,434 --> 00:16:13,415 And you could enter how popular you felt or you didn't feel 350 00:16:13,415 --> 00:16:15,124 and actually keep an audit trail, 351 00:16:15,124 --> 00:16:17,455 and you can socialize this with your mates. 352 00:16:17,455 --> 00:16:23,074 You can either share it on Facebook or tweet it or Gmail it 353 00:16:23,074 --> 00:16:27,535 and see, well, who else is in the solar system of Sociable 354 00:16:27,535 --> 00:16:30,465 or even on the planet Popular - who else is out there. 355 00:16:30,465 --> 00:16:31,596 And I can track, 356 00:16:31,596 --> 00:16:34,296 as it does with these audit trails, of where I've been. 357 00:16:34,296 --> 00:16:36,875 So this is your start point, starting to get a grip 358 00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:39,927 of do you even know which planet you're on, 359 00:16:40,397 --> 00:16:43,537 which are the nearest planets and how you can start to move around, 360 00:16:43,537 --> 00:16:47,447 start to get some navigational capability within that universe. 361 00:16:48,027 --> 00:16:51,187 So the first thing is you've got to learn navigational potential, 362 00:16:51,187 --> 00:16:54,998 and this is designed to help you build your emotional repertoire. 363 00:16:54,998 --> 00:16:57,358 So you're not just stuck with twelve emotions, 364 00:16:57,358 --> 00:16:58,898 or in some people frankly: 365 00:16:58,898 --> 00:17:00,028 two! 366 00:17:00,998 --> 00:17:04,979 I feel "yuck" or "OK," the only two motions they've got. 367 00:17:05,919 --> 00:17:07,749 So you've got to build a repertoire, 368 00:17:07,749 --> 00:17:10,429 and what you discover as you start to build a repertoire, 369 00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:13,819 some emotions are better antidotes than others. 370 00:17:13,819 --> 00:17:16,590 So you can start to navigate around. 371 00:17:16,590 --> 00:17:17,849 The second maneuver, 372 00:17:17,849 --> 00:17:21,010 once you've started to navigate around the universe, 373 00:17:21,010 --> 00:17:24,489 is really, once you get to a more constructive planet, 374 00:17:24,489 --> 00:17:27,931 there's no right and wrong, but is this emotion really serving you? 375 00:17:27,931 --> 00:17:30,201 When you get to a more constructive planet, 376 00:17:30,201 --> 00:17:31,649 can you stay there? 377 00:17:31,649 --> 00:17:34,531 And that really requires you to do a separate maneuver, 378 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,702 it's called Mastery, 379 00:17:35,702 --> 00:17:40,141 where you actually take the emotion which is subject to you - 380 00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:44,742 it's a subjective experience, below the level of your real awareness, 381 00:17:44,742 --> 00:17:48,223 you're sort of subject to it, i.e. it's got you. 382 00:17:48,223 --> 00:17:52,033 So if you've got anger, if anger is going through your system, 383 00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:53,613 if you're on the planet of Anger, 384 00:17:53,613 --> 00:17:54,612 it's got you. 385 00:17:54,612 --> 00:17:57,344 You haven't got it; it's got you. 386 00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:00,193 The way to get control over it is to objectify it. 387 00:18:00,193 --> 00:18:02,274 Like, "Oh, it is anger." 388 00:18:02,274 --> 00:18:04,414 So you take it out as a subjective experience, 389 00:18:04,414 --> 00:18:05,734 and you objectify it. 390 00:18:05,734 --> 00:18:08,325 And if you can objectify it, you can get a grip of it. 391 00:18:08,795 --> 00:18:11,185 If you can do that with your positive emotions, 392 00:18:11,185 --> 00:18:14,464 then you can move yourself over to the positive side of the universe 393 00:18:14,464 --> 00:18:15,895 and stay there. 394 00:18:16,415 --> 00:18:20,686 So you really don't have to feel anything you do not want to feel. 395 00:18:21,606 --> 00:18:24,915 Misery is optional, you don't have to feel that. 396 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,935 But if you haven't got control, 397 00:18:27,935 --> 00:18:28,976 then who has? 398 00:18:28,976 --> 00:18:31,567 And the answer is usually somebody outside of you. 399 00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:33,157 So I'd really encourage you, 400 00:18:33,157 --> 00:18:35,427 if you want to transform your life forever - 401 00:18:35,427 --> 00:18:38,636 because, ultimately, emotions will predict your health, 402 00:18:38,636 --> 00:18:42,888 they'll predict your performance, your wellbeing, your sense of fulfillment, 403 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:47,658 they'll determine your ability to make effective decisions, 404 00:18:47,658 --> 00:18:50,988 emotions drive all of that, your motivation and so on. 405 00:18:50,988 --> 00:18:53,669 If you don't know about them and have control over them, 406 00:18:53,669 --> 00:18:56,479 it's a little bit of a lottery as life. 407 00:18:56,479 --> 00:19:00,650 So if you go away after today, and ask yourself one question: 408 00:19:00,650 --> 00:19:02,860 what planet am I on? 409 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,880 And what planet would I like to be on? 410 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,260 And start to work to be on the planet that you want to be on 411 00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:12,311 rather than wherever life has pushed you. 412 00:19:13,221 --> 00:19:15,910 Imagine a world where all of us 413 00:19:15,910 --> 00:19:18,781 could be on the planet we wanted to be on, 414 00:19:18,781 --> 00:19:20,870 or navigate around that kind of solar system 415 00:19:20,870 --> 00:19:23,262 or the galaxies that we wanted to experience. 416 00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:24,782 Imagine a world 417 00:19:24,782 --> 00:19:29,512 where, when you go to the bar to chat up that attractive person at the bar, 418 00:19:29,512 --> 00:19:31,512 you didn't need four pints of Dutch courage 419 00:19:31,512 --> 00:19:33,363 before you could go there. 420 00:19:33,893 --> 00:19:36,821 Imagine you could just do that yourself. 421 00:19:36,821 --> 00:19:37,943 Imagine a world 422 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:42,223 where you didn't need to feel anxious going into an exam or a job interview, 423 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,504 where you didn't need to feel terrified coming on stage. 424 00:19:45,504 --> 00:19:49,103 Imagine a world where your children, on the receiving end of bullying, 425 00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:51,314 didn't feel terrified or bullied. 426 00:19:52,094 --> 00:19:56,943 If you could control your emotions, you can change your life completely. 427 00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:58,785 So I'd really encourage you 428 00:19:58,785 --> 00:20:02,615 to start wondering about what planet you're on 429 00:20:02,615 --> 00:20:05,434 and start putting yourself in the universe, 430 00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:09,005 in that part of the universe where you really want to live your life. 431 00:20:09,005 --> 00:20:10,276 Thank you very much. 432 00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:13,316 (Applause)