0:00:01.497,0:00:04.164
Speaking up is hard to do.

0:00:04.740,0:00:09.682
I understood the true meaning[br]of this phrase exactly one month ago,

0:00:09.682,0:00:12.585
when my wife and I became new parents.

0:00:13.113,0:00:15.050
And it was an amazing moment.

0:00:15.050,0:00:17.258
It was exhilarating and elating,

0:00:17.258,0:00:20.433
but it was also scary and terrifying.

0:00:20.433,0:00:24.535
And it got particularly terrifying[br]when we got home from the hospital.

0:00:24.849,0:00:26.333
And we were unsure

0:00:26.333,0:00:30.422
whether our little baby boy was getting[br]enough nutrients from breastfeeding.

0:00:30.879,0:00:34.063
And we wanted to call our pediatrician,

0:00:34.063,0:00:36.668
but we also didn't want[br]to make a bad first impression,

0:00:36.668,0:00:38.957
or come across as a crazy,[br]neurotic parent.

0:00:39.226,0:00:40.896
So we worried ...

0:00:40.896,0:00:42.301
and we waited.

0:00:42.301,0:00:44.560
When we got to the doctor's[br]office the next day,

0:00:44.560,0:00:48.790
she immediately gave him formula[br]because he was pretty dehydrated.

0:00:49.518,0:00:50.975
Our son is fine now,

0:00:50.975,0:00:54.353
and our doctor has reassured us[br]we can always contact her,

0:00:54.353,0:00:55.902
but in that moment,

0:00:55.902,0:00:57.702
I should've spoken up,

0:00:57.702,0:00:59.078
but I didn't.

0:00:59.078,0:01:02.523
But sometimes we speak up[br]when we shouldn't,

0:01:02.523,0:01:06.317
and I learned that over 10 years ago[br]when I let my twin brother down.

0:01:06.786,0:01:09.451
My twin brother is[br]a documentary filmmaker,

0:01:09.451,0:01:11.004
and for one of his first films,

0:01:11.004,0:01:13.757
he got an offer from[br]a distribution company.

0:01:13.757,0:01:15.118
And he was excited,

0:01:15.118,0:01:17.713
and he was inclined to accept the offer,

0:01:17.713,0:01:19.950
but as a negotiations researcher,

0:01:19.950,0:01:22.970
I insisted he make a counteroffer,

0:01:22.970,0:01:25.738
and I helped him craft the perfect one.

0:01:25.975,0:01:27.812
And it was perfect --

0:01:27.812,0:01:29.982
it was perfectly insulting.

0:01:30.479,0:01:32.437
The company was so offended,

0:01:32.437,0:01:34.509
they literally withdrew the offer,

0:01:34.509,0:01:36.482
and my brother was left with nothing.

0:01:36.749,0:01:40.632
And I've asked people all over the world[br]about this dilemma of speaking up:

0:01:40.632,0:01:42.489
when they can assert themselves,

0:01:42.489,0:01:44.226
when they can push their interests,

0:01:44.226,0:01:46.444
when they can express an opinion,

0:01:46.444,0:01:48.655
when they can make an ambitious ask.

0:01:49.030,0:01:53.286
And the range of stories[br]are varied and diverse,

0:01:53.286,0:01:55.717
but they also make up[br]a universal tapestry.

0:01:56.046,0:01:58.747
Can I correct my boss[br]when they make a mistake?

0:01:58.747,0:02:03.131
Can I confront my coworker[br]who keeps stepping on my toes?

0:02:03.131,0:02:06.198
Can I challenge my friends[br]in sensitive joke?

0:02:06.573,0:02:11.178
Can I tell the person I love the most[br]my deepest insecurities?

0:02:11.178,0:02:12.706
And through these experiences,

0:02:12.706,0:02:13.913
I've come to recognize

0:02:13.913,0:02:17.793
that each of us have something called[br]a range of acceptable behavior.

0:02:17.793,0:02:21.589
Now sometimes we're too strong;

0:02:21.589,0:02:23.080
we push ourselves too much.

0:02:23.080,0:02:24.817
That's what happened with my brother.

0:02:24.817,0:02:29.443
Even making an offer was outside[br]his range of acceptable behavior.

0:02:29.791,0:02:31.542
But sometimes we're too weak.

0:02:31.542,0:02:33.514
That's what happened with my wife and I.

0:02:33.514,0:02:35.938
And this range of acceptable behaviors --

0:02:35.938,0:02:37.593
when we start within our range,

0:02:37.593,0:02:38.966
we're rewarded.

0:02:38.966,0:02:40.848
When we step outside that range,

0:02:40.848,0:02:43.002
we get punished in a variety of ways.

0:02:43.002,0:02:44.755
We get dismissed or demeaned,

0:02:44.755,0:02:46.163
or even ostracized.

0:02:46.163,0:02:49.863
Or we lose that raise,[br]or that promotion or that deal.

0:02:50.097,0:02:52.884
Now the first thing we need to know is:

0:02:52.884,0:02:54.372
what is my range?

0:02:54.966,0:02:59.473
But the key thing is[br]our range isn't fixed;

0:02:59.473,0:03:01.049
it's actually pretty dynamic.

0:03:01.049,0:03:05.163
It expands and it narrows[br]based on the context.

0:03:05.511,0:03:10.204
And there's one thing that determines[br]that range more than anything else,

0:03:10.204,0:03:11.641
and that's your power.

0:03:11.641,0:03:13.821
Your power determines your range.

0:03:13.821,0:03:15.281
What is power?

0:03:15.281,0:03:16.971
Power comes in lots of forms.

0:03:16.971,0:03:19.901
In negotiations it comes[br]in the form of alternatives.

0:03:19.901,0:03:22.111
So my brother had no alternatives;

0:03:22.111,0:03:23.321
he lacked power.

0:03:23.321,0:03:25.081
The company had lots of alternatives;

0:03:25.081,0:03:26.361
they had power.

0:03:26.361,0:03:28.509
Sometimes it's being new to a country,

0:03:28.509,0:03:29.556
like an immigrant,

0:03:29.556,0:03:31.038
or new to an organization,

0:03:31.038,0:03:32.576
or new to an experience,

0:03:32.576,0:03:34.412
like my wife and I as new parents.

0:03:34.569,0:03:35.974
Sometimes it's at work

0:03:35.974,0:03:38.569
where someone's the boss[br]and someone's the subordinate.

0:03:38.569,0:03:40.361
Sometimes it's in relationships,

0:03:40.361,0:03:43.099
where one person's more invested[br]than the other person.

0:03:43.365,0:03:47.143
And the key thing is that when[br]we have lots of power,

0:03:47.143,0:03:48.995
our range is very wide.

0:03:48.995,0:03:51.626
We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.

0:03:51.996,0:03:53.297
But when we lack power,

0:03:53.297,0:03:54.820
our range narrows.

0:03:54.820,0:03:56.615
We have very little leeway.

0:03:57.035,0:03:59.840
And the problem is that when[br]our range narrows

0:03:59.840,0:04:04.310
that produces something called[br]the low-power double bind.

0:04:04.310,0:04:07.209
And the low-power double bind happens

0:04:07.209,0:04:10.632
when if we don't speak up we go unnoticed,

0:04:10.632,0:04:13.143
but if we do speak up we get punished.

0:04:13.543,0:04:16.330
Now many of you have heard[br]the phrase the "double bind"

0:04:16.330,0:04:18.001
and connected it with one thing,

0:04:18.001,0:04:19.299
and that's gender.

0:04:19.299,0:04:23.659
The gender double bind is women[br]who don't speak up go unnoticed,

0:04:23.659,0:04:26.342
and women who do speak up get punished.

0:04:26.342,0:04:31.393
And the key thing is that women have[br]the same need as men to speak up,

0:04:31.393,0:04:33.651
but they have barriers to doing so.

0:04:34.219,0:04:37.520
But what my research has shown[br]over the last two decades

0:04:37.520,0:04:41.281
is that what looks[br]like a gender difference

0:04:41.281,0:04:43.568
is not really a gender double bind,

0:04:43.568,0:04:45.947
it's a really a low-power double bind.

0:04:45.947,0:04:47.937
And what looks like a gender difference

0:04:47.937,0:04:51.202
are really often just power[br]differences in disguise.

0:04:51.545,0:04:54.849
Oftentimes we see a man[br]and a woman, or men and women,

0:04:54.849,0:04:55.950
and we think:

0:04:55.950,0:04:57.069
biological cause.

0:04:57.069,0:05:00.265
There's something fundamentally[br]different about the sexes.

0:05:00.265,0:05:02.269
But in study after study,

0:05:02.269,0:05:07.187
I've found that a better explanation[br]for many sex differences

0:05:07.187,0:05:08.699
is really power.

0:05:08.699,0:05:12.134
And so it's the low-power double bind.

0:05:12.134,0:05:17.117
And the low-power double bind[br]means that we have a narrow range,

0:05:17.117,0:05:18.828
and we lack power.

0:05:18.828,0:05:20.083
We have a narrow range,

0:05:20.083,0:05:22.170
and our double bind is very large.

0:05:22.422,0:05:24.801
So we need to find ways[br]to expand our range.

0:05:24.801,0:05:26.401
And over the last couple decades,

0:05:26.401,0:05:29.583
my colleagues and I have found[br]two things really matter.

0:05:30.075,0:05:31.118
The first:

0:05:31.118,0:05:33.831
you seem powerful in your own eyes.

0:05:34.435,0:05:35.843
The second:

0:05:35.843,0:05:37.804
you seem powerful in the eyes of others.

0:05:37.804,0:05:40.351
When I feel powerful,

0:05:40.351,0:05:42.112
I feel confident not fearful;

0:05:42.112,0:05:44.093
I expand my own range.

0:05:44.093,0:05:46.837
When other people see me as powerful,

0:05:46.837,0:05:49.164
they grant me a wider range.

0:05:49.396,0:05:53.953
So we need tools to expand[br]our range of acceptable behavior.

0:05:54.173,0:05:56.472
And I'm going to give you[br]a set of tools today.

0:05:56.899,0:05:59.011
Speaking up is risky,

0:05:59.011,0:06:02.427
but these tools will lower[br]your risk of speaking up.

0:06:03.250,0:06:09.193
So the first tool I'm going to give you[br]got discovered in negotiations

0:06:09.193,0:06:10.402
in an important finding.

0:06:10.596,0:06:14.515
On average, women make[br]less ambitions offers,

0:06:14.515,0:06:17.989
and get worse outcomes than men[br]at the bargaining table.

0:06:18.328,0:06:20.945
But Hannah Riley Bowles[br]and Emily Amanatullah

0:06:20.945,0:06:22.899
have discovered there's one situation

0:06:22.899,0:06:26.866
where women get the same outcomes as men[br]and are just as ambitious.

0:06:27.387,0:06:30.995
That's when they advocate for others.

0:06:31.505,0:06:33.571
And when they advocate for others,

0:06:33.571,0:06:38.065
they discover their own range[br]and expand it in their own mind.

0:06:38.393,0:06:39.921
They become more assertive.

0:06:39.927,0:06:43.150
Now this is sometimes called[br]"the mama bear effect."

0:06:43.722,0:06:46.004
Like a mama bear defending her cubs,

0:06:46.004,0:06:47.494
when we advocate for others,

0:06:47.494,0:06:49.850
we can discover our own voice.

0:06:50.492,0:06:53.469
But sometimes we have to[br]advocated for ourselves.

0:06:53.469,0:06:55.029
How do we do that?

0:06:55.029,0:06:58.918
And one of the most important tools[br]we have to advocate for ourselves

0:06:58.918,0:07:01.462
is something called perspective-taking.

0:07:01.462,0:07:04.364
And perspective-taking is really simple:

0:07:04.364,0:07:08.954
it's simply looking at the world[br]through the eyes of another person.

0:07:09.167,0:07:12.754
And it's one of the most important[br]tools we have to expand our range.

0:07:13.009,0:07:14.835
When I take your perspective,

0:07:14.835,0:07:17.297
and I think about what you really want,

0:07:17.297,0:07:20.804
you're more likely to give me[br]what I really want.

0:07:21.541,0:07:23.202
But here's the problem.

0:07:23.202,0:07:25.506
Perspective-taking is hard to do.

0:07:25.506,0:07:27.059
So let's do a little experiment.

0:07:27.059,0:07:30.096
I want you all to hold[br]your hand just like this:

0:07:30.096,0:07:31.098
your finger --

0:07:31.098,0:07:32.104
put it up.

0:07:32.104,0:07:36.106
And I want you to draw a capital[br]letter E on your forehead

0:07:36.106,0:07:37.687
as quickly as possible.

0:07:40.337,0:07:43.558
OK, it turns out that we can[br]draw this E in one of two ways;

0:07:43.558,0:07:46.875
and this was originally designed[br]as a test of perspective-taking.

0:07:46.988,0:07:50.618
I'm going to show you two pictures[br]of someone with an E on their forehead --

0:07:50.618,0:07:52.476
my former student Erika Hall.

0:07:53.414,0:07:55.694
And you can see over here,

0:07:55.694,0:07:56.943
that's the correct E.

0:07:56.943,0:07:59.953
I drew the E so it looks like[br]an E to another person.

0:08:00.266,0:08:02.483
That's the perspective-taking E

0:08:02.483,0:08:05.459
because it looks like an E[br]from someone else's vantage point.

0:08:05.459,0:08:08.469
But this E over here[br]is the self-focused E.

0:08:08.850,0:08:10.740
And we often get self-focused.

0:08:10.740,0:08:13.707
And we particularly get[br]self-focused in a crisis.

0:08:14.223,0:08:16.343
I want to tell you about[br]a particular crisis.

0:08:16.343,0:08:19.347
A man walks into a bank[br]in Watsonville, California.

0:08:20.461,0:08:24.969
And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm[br]blowing the whole bank up with a bomb."

0:08:25.607,0:08:28.315
Now the bank manager[br]didn't give him the money.

0:08:28.315,0:08:30.048
She took a step back.

0:08:30.048,0:08:31.671
She took his perspective,

0:08:31.671,0:08:33.943
and she noticed something[br]really important.

0:08:33.943,0:08:36.329
He asked for a specific amount of money.

0:08:36.649,0:08:41.195
So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"

0:08:41.416,0:08:42.424
And he said,

0:08:42.424,0:08:46.164
"My friend's going to be evicted[br]unless I get him $2,000 immediately."

0:08:46.164,0:08:49.236
And she said, "Oh! You don't[br]want to rob the bank,

0:08:49.236,0:08:50.747
you want to take out a loan."

0:08:50.747,0:08:51.753
(Laughter)

0:08:51.753,0:08:53.561
"Why don't you come back to my office,

0:08:53.561,0:08:55.659
and we can have you[br]fill out the paperwork."

0:08:55.659,0:08:56.663
(Laughter)

0:08:56.663,0:09:02.412
Now, her quick perspective-taking[br]diffused a volatile situation.

0:09:02.412,0:09:04.307
So when we take someone's perspective,

0:09:04.307,0:09:07.757
it allows us to be[br]ambitious and assertive,

0:09:07.757,0:09:09.095
but still be likable.

0:09:09.397,0:09:12.688
Here's another way to be assertive[br]but still be likable,

0:09:12.688,0:09:15.219
and that is to signal flexibility.

0:09:15.604,0:09:19.926
Now imagine you're a car salesperson[br]and you want to sell someone a car.

0:09:19.926,0:09:23.810
You're going to more likely make the sale[br]if you give them two options.

0:09:24.324,0:09:25.770
Let's say option A:

0:09:25.770,0:09:28.712
$24,000 for this car[br]and a five-year warranty.

0:09:29.172,0:09:30.851
Or option B:

0:09:30.851,0:09:33.679
$23,000 and a three-year warranty.

0:09:33.949,0:09:37.715
My research shows that when you give[br]people choice among options,

0:09:37.715,0:09:39.627
it lowers their defenses,

0:09:39.627,0:09:41.734
and they're more likely[br]to accept your offer.

0:09:42.243,0:09:44.383
And this doesn't just[br]work with sales people;

0:09:44.383,0:09:45.808
it works with parents.

0:09:45.808,0:09:47.110
When my neice was four,

0:09:47.110,0:09:50.027
she resisted getting dressed[br]and rejected everything.

0:09:50.399,0:09:53.317
But then my sister-in-law[br]had a brilliant idea.

0:09:53.317,0:09:55.821
What if I gave my daughter a choice?

0:09:55.821,0:09:57.071
This shirt or that shirt?

0:09:57.071,0:09:58.069
OK, that shirt.

0:09:58.069,0:09:59.177
This pant or that pant?

0:09:59.177,0:10:00.184
OK, that pant.

0:10:00.184,0:10:01.513
And it worked brilliantly.

0:10:01.513,0:10:04.899
She got dressed quickly[br]and without resistance.

0:10:05.665,0:10:07.829
When I've asked the question[br]around the world --

0:10:07.829,0:10:09.851
when people feel[br]comfortable speaking up --

0:10:09.851,0:10:11.520
the number one answer is:

0:10:11.520,0:10:14.218
when I have social support in my audience.

0:10:14.218,0:10:16.034
When I have allies.

0:10:16.306,0:10:19.889
So we want to get allies on our side.

0:10:20.180,0:10:21.878
How do we do that?

0:10:22.127,0:10:24.312
Well, one of the ways[br]is be a mama bear.

0:10:24.312,0:10:25.702
When we advocate for others,

0:10:25.702,0:10:29.254
we expand our range in our own eyes[br]and the eyes of others,

0:10:29.254,0:10:31.410
but we also earn strong allies.

0:10:31.935,0:10:34.976
Another way that we[br]can earn strong allies,

0:10:34.976,0:10:36.840
especially in high places,

0:10:36.840,0:10:39.712
is by asking other people for advice.

0:10:39.712,0:10:43.211
When we ask others for advice,

0:10:43.211,0:10:45.600
they like us because we flatter them,

0:10:45.600,0:10:47.599
and we're expressing humility.

0:10:47.599,0:10:50.670
And this really works to solve[br]another double bind.

0:10:51.094,0:10:53.691
And that's the self-promotion double bind.

0:10:53.691,0:10:55.146
The self-promotion double bind

0:10:55.146,0:10:58.413
is that if we don't advertise[br]our accomplishments,

0:10:58.413,0:10:59.646
no one notices.

0:10:59.646,0:11:00.947
And if we do,

0:11:00.947,0:11:02.154
we're not likable.

0:11:02.154,0:11:05.743
But if we ask for advice about[br]one of our accomplishments,

0:11:05.743,0:11:10.053
we are able to be competent[br]in their eyes but also be likeable.

0:11:10.702,0:11:12.723
And this is so powerful,

0:11:12.732,0:11:15.386
it even works when you see it coming.

0:11:15.707,0:11:20.068
There have been multiple times in life[br]when I have been forewarned

0:11:20.068,0:11:23.925
that a low-power person has been given[br]the advice to come ask me for advice.

0:11:24.472,0:11:26.659
And I want to notice[br]three things about this.

0:11:26.659,0:11:29.567
First, I knew they were going[br]to come ask me for advice.

0:11:30.033,0:11:34.173
Two, I've actually done research[br]on the strategic benefits

0:11:34.173,0:11:35.474
of asking for advice.

0:11:36.062,0:11:37.056
And three,

0:11:37.056,0:11:38.348
it still worked.

0:11:38.831,0:11:40.071
I took their perspective,

0:11:40.071,0:11:42.325
I became more invested in their calls,

0:11:42.325,0:11:46.300
I became more committed to them[br]because they asked for advice.

0:11:46.606,0:11:50.227
Now another time we feel more[br]confident speaking up

0:11:50.227,0:11:51.968
is when we have expertise.

0:11:52.351,0:11:54.503
Expertise gives us credibility.

0:11:54.723,0:11:56.456
Now when we have high power,

0:11:56.456,0:11:57.933
we already have credibility.

0:11:57.933,0:11:59.681
We only need good evidence.

0:12:00.000,0:12:01.527
When we lack power,

0:12:01.527,0:12:03.100
we don't have the credibility,

0:12:03.100,0:12:05.140
we need excellent evidence.

0:12:05.569,0:12:09.427
And one of the ways that we can[br]come across as an expert

0:12:09.427,0:12:11.525
is by tapping into our passion.

0:12:11.959,0:12:16.185
I want everyone in the next few days[br]to go up to friend of theirs,

0:12:16.185,0:12:17.402
and just say to them,

0:12:17.402,0:12:20.395
"I want you to describe[br]a passion of yours to me."

0:12:20.945,0:12:23.453
I've had people do this all over the world

0:12:23.453,0:12:24.732
and I asked them,

0:12:24.732,0:12:29.164
"What did you notice about the other[br]person when they described their passion?"

0:12:29.164,0:12:30.984
And the answers are always the same.

0:12:30.984,0:12:33.015
"Their eyes lit up and got big.

0:12:33.015,0:12:35.831
They smiled a big beaming smile.

0:12:35.831,0:12:37.418
They used their hands all over --

0:12:37.418,0:12:39.860
I had to duck because their[br]hands were coming at me.

0:12:39.860,0:12:41.980
They talk quickly[br]with a little higher pitch.

0:12:41.980,0:12:42.977
(Laughter)

0:12:42.977,0:12:45.450
"And they leaned in as if[br]telling me a secret."

0:12:45.845,0:12:47.189
And then I said to them,

0:12:47.189,0:12:50.533
"What happened to you[br]as you listened to their passion?"

0:12:50.533,0:12:51.527
And they said,

0:12:51.527,0:12:52.753
"My eyes lit up.

0:12:52.753,0:12:54.214
I smiled,

0:12:54.214,0:12:55.678
I leaned in."

0:12:55.678,0:12:57.581
When we tap into our passion,

0:12:57.581,0:12:59.516
we give ourselves the courage,[br]

0:12:59.516,0:13:00.533
in our own eyes,

0:13:00.533,0:13:01.525
to speak up,

0:13:01.525,0:13:04.393
but we also get the permission[br]from others to speak up.

0:13:04.780,0:13:09.965
And tapping into our passion even works[br]when we come across as too weak.

0:13:10.716,0:13:15.424
Both men and women get punished[br]at work when they shed tears.

0:13:15.424,0:13:17.727
But [Lizzy] Wolf has shown

0:13:17.727,0:13:22.033
that when we frame our strong[br]emotions as passion,

0:13:22.033,0:13:27.938
the condemnation of our crying[br]disappears for both men and women.

0:13:28.765,0:13:32.396
I want to end with a few words[br]from my late father

0:13:32.396,0:13:34.859
that he spoke at my twin[br]brother's wedding.

0:13:34.859,0:13:36.747
And here's a picture of us.

0:13:38.307,0:13:40.350
My dad was a psychologist like me,

0:13:40.350,0:13:43.938
but his real love and his real[br]passion was cinema,

0:13:43.938,0:13:45.161
like my brother.

0:13:45.161,0:13:47.826
And so he wrote a speech[br]for my brother's wedding

0:13:47.826,0:13:50.568
about the roles we play[br]in the human comedy.

0:13:50.766,0:13:51.767
And he said,

0:13:51.767,0:13:53.253
"The lighter your touch,

0:13:53.253,0:13:57.321
the better you become at improving[br]and enriching your performance.

0:13:57.321,0:13:59.407
Those who embrace their roles,

0:13:59.407,0:14:02.264
and work to improve their performance,

0:14:02.264,0:14:04.761
grow, change and expand the self.

0:14:05.067,0:14:06.624
Play it well,

0:14:06.624,0:14:08.889
and your days will be mostly joyful."

0:14:09.124,0:14:10.873
And what my dad was saying

0:14:10.873,0:14:15.342
is that we've all been assigned[br]ranges and roles in this world,

0:14:15.342,0:14:18.807
but he was also saying[br]the essence of this talk.

0:14:19.212,0:14:24.229
Those roles and ranges are constantly[br]expanding and evolving.

0:14:24.890,0:14:27.329
So when a scene calls for it,

0:14:27.329,0:14:29.521
be a ferocious mama bear,

0:14:29.521,0:14:32.096
and a humble advice seeker ...

0:14:32.096,0:14:36.069
have excellent evidence and strong allies;

0:14:36.069,0:14:38.921
be a passionate perspective-taker.

0:14:38.921,0:14:40.755
And if you use those tools --

0:14:40.755,0:14:44.247
and each and every one of you[br]can use these tools --

0:14:44.247,0:14:48.356
you will expand your range[br]of acceptable behavior,

0:14:48.356,0:14:51.652
and your days will be mostly joyful.

0:14:52.223,0:14:53.256
Thank you.

0:14:53.256,0:14:54.290
(Applause)