0:00:01.497,0:00:04.164 Speaking up is hard to do. 0:00:04.740,0:00:09.682 I understood the true meaning[br]of this phrase exactly one month ago, 0:00:09.682,0:00:12.585 when my wife and I became new parents. 0:00:13.113,0:00:15.050 And it was an amazing moment. 0:00:15.050,0:00:17.258 It was exhilarating and elating, 0:00:17.258,0:00:20.433 but it was also scary and terrifying. 0:00:20.433,0:00:24.535 And it got particularly terrifying[br]when we got home from the hospital. 0:00:24.849,0:00:26.333 And we were unsure 0:00:26.333,0:00:30.422 whether our little baby boy was getting[br]enough nutrients from breastfeeding. 0:00:30.879,0:00:34.063 And we wanted to call our pediatrician, 0:00:34.063,0:00:36.668 but we also didn't want[br]to make a bad first impression, 0:00:36.668,0:00:38.957 or come across as a crazy,[br]neurotic parent. 0:00:39.226,0:00:40.896 So we worried ... 0:00:40.896,0:00:42.301 and we waited. 0:00:42.301,0:00:44.560 When we got to the doctor's[br]office the next day, 0:00:44.560,0:00:48.790 she immediately gave him formula[br]because he was pretty dehydrated. 0:00:49.518,0:00:50.975 Our son is fine now, 0:00:50.975,0:00:54.353 and our doctor has reassured us[br]we can always contact her, 0:00:54.353,0:00:55.902 but in that moment, 0:00:55.902,0:00:57.702 I should've spoken up, 0:00:57.702,0:00:59.078 but I didn't. 0:00:59.078,0:01:02.523 But sometimes we speak up[br]when we shouldn't, 0:01:02.523,0:01:06.317 and I learned that over 10 years ago[br]when I let my twin brother down. 0:01:06.786,0:01:09.451 My twin brother is[br]a documentary filmmaker, 0:01:09.451,0:01:11.004 and for one of his first films, 0:01:11.004,0:01:13.757 he got an offer from[br]a distribution company. 0:01:13.757,0:01:15.118 And he was excited, 0:01:15.118,0:01:17.713 and he was inclined to accept the offer, 0:01:17.713,0:01:19.950 but as a negotiations researcher, 0:01:19.950,0:01:22.970 I insisted he make a counteroffer, 0:01:22.970,0:01:25.738 and I helped him craft the perfect one. 0:01:25.975,0:01:27.812 And it was perfect -- 0:01:27.812,0:01:29.982 it was perfectly insulting. 0:01:30.479,0:01:32.437 The company was so offended, 0:01:32.437,0:01:34.509 they literally withdrew the offer, 0:01:34.509,0:01:36.482 and my brother was left with nothing. 0:01:36.749,0:01:40.632 And I've asked people all over the world[br]about this dilemma of speaking up: 0:01:40.632,0:01:42.489 when they can assert themselves, 0:01:42.489,0:01:44.226 when they can push their interests, 0:01:44.226,0:01:46.444 when they can express an opinion, 0:01:46.444,0:01:48.655 when they can make an ambitious ask. 0:01:49.030,0:01:53.286 And the range of stories[br]are varied and diverse, 0:01:53.286,0:01:55.717 but they also make up[br]a universal tapestry. 0:01:56.046,0:01:58.747 Can I correct my boss[br]when they make a mistake? 0:01:58.747,0:02:03.131 Can I confront my coworker[br]who keeps stepping on my toes? 0:02:03.131,0:02:06.198 Can I challenge my friends[br]in sensitive joke? 0:02:06.573,0:02:11.178 Can I tell the person I love the most[br]my deepest insecurities? 0:02:11.178,0:02:12.706 And through these experiences, 0:02:12.706,0:02:13.913 I've come to recognize 0:02:13.913,0:02:17.793 that each of us have something called[br]a range of acceptable behavior. 0:02:17.793,0:02:21.589 Now sometimes we're too strong; 0:02:21.589,0:02:23.080 we push ourselves too much. 0:02:23.080,0:02:24.817 That's what happened with my brother. 0:02:24.817,0:02:29.443 Even making an offer was outside[br]his range of acceptable behavior. 0:02:29.791,0:02:31.542 But sometimes we're too weak. 0:02:31.542,0:02:33.514 That's what happened with my wife and I. 0:02:33.514,0:02:35.938 And this range of acceptable behaviors -- 0:02:35.938,0:02:37.593 when we start within our range, 0:02:37.593,0:02:38.966 we're rewarded. 0:02:38.966,0:02:40.848 When we step outside that range, 0:02:40.848,0:02:43.002 we get punished in a variety of ways. 0:02:43.002,0:02:44.755 We get dismissed or demeaned, 0:02:44.755,0:02:46.163 or even ostracized. 0:02:46.163,0:02:49.863 Or we lose that raise,[br]or that promotion or that deal. 0:02:50.097,0:02:52.884 Now the first thing we need to know is: 0:02:52.884,0:02:54.372 what is my range? 0:02:54.966,0:02:59.473 But the key thing is[br]our range isn't fixed; 0:02:59.473,0:03:01.049 it's actually pretty dynamic. 0:03:01.049,0:03:05.163 It expands and it narrows[br]based on the context. 0:03:05.511,0:03:10.204 And there's one thing that determines[br]that range more than anything else, 0:03:10.204,0:03:11.641 and that's your power. 0:03:11.641,0:03:13.821 Your power determines your range. 0:03:13.821,0:03:15.281 What is power? 0:03:15.281,0:03:16.971 Power comes in lots of forms. 0:03:16.971,0:03:19.901 In negotiations it comes[br]in the form of alternatives. 0:03:19.901,0:03:22.111 So my brother had no alternatives; 0:03:22.111,0:03:23.321 he lacked power. 0:03:23.321,0:03:25.081 The company had lots of alternatives; 0:03:25.081,0:03:26.361 they had power. 0:03:26.361,0:03:28.509 Sometimes it's being new to a country, 0:03:28.509,0:03:29.556 like an immigrant. 0:03:29.556,0:03:31.038 Or new to an organization, 0:03:31.038,0:03:32.576 or new to an experience, 0:03:32.576,0:03:34.412 like my wife and I as new parents. 0:03:34.569,0:03:35.974 Sometimes it's at work 0:03:35.974,0:03:38.569 where someone's the boss[br]and someone's the subordinate. 0:03:38.569,0:03:40.361 Sometimes it's in relationships, 0:03:40.361,0:03:43.099 where one person's more invested[br]than the other person. 0:03:43.365,0:03:47.143 And the key thing is that when[br]we have lots of power, 0:03:47.143,0:03:48.995 our range is very wide. 0:03:48.995,0:03:51.626 We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. 0:03:51.996,0:03:53.297 But when we lack power, 0:03:53.297,0:03:54.820 our range narrows. 0:03:54.820,0:03:56.615 We have very little leeway. 0:03:57.035,0:03:59.840 And the problem is that when[br]our range narrows 0:03:59.840,0:04:04.310 that produces something called[br]the low-power double bind. 0:04:04.310,0:04:07.209 And the low-power double bind happens 0:04:07.209,0:04:10.772 when if don't speak up we go unnoticed, 0:04:10.926,0:04:13.297 but if we do speak up we get punished. 0:04:13.593,0:04:16.290 Now many of you have heard[br]the phrase the "double bind" 0:04:16.485,0:04:17.936 and connected it with one thing, 0:04:18.110,0:04:19.228 and that's gender. 0:04:19.428,0:04:23.788 The gender double bind is women[br]who don't speak up go unnoticed, 0:04:23.934,0:04:26.287 and women who do speak up get punished. 0:04:26.484,0:04:31.375 And the key thing is that women have[br]the same need as men to speak up, 0:04:31.490,0:04:33.558 but they have barriers to doing so. 0:04:34.289,0:04:37.400 But what my research has shown[br]over the last two decades 0:04:37.574,0:04:41.255 is that what looks[br]like a gender difference 0:04:41.418,0:04:43.545 is not really a gender double bind, 0:04:43.724,0:04:45.833 it's a really a low-power double bind. 0:04:46.044,0:04:47.774 And what looks like a gender difference 0:04:47.967,0:04:50.982 are really often just power[br]differences in disguise. 0:04:51.545,0:04:54.849 Oftentimes we see a man[br]and a woman, or men and women, 0:04:55.029,0:04:55.900 and we think: 0:04:56.079,0:04:56.998 biological cause. 0:04:57.169,0:05:00.095 There's something fundamentally[br]different about the sexes. 0:05:00.430,0:05:02.134 But in study after study, 0:05:02.308,0:05:07.076 I've found that a better explanation[br]for many sex differences 0:05:07.224,0:05:08.586 is really power. 0:05:08.840,0:05:12.085 And so it's the low-power double bind. 0:05:12.262,0:05:17.075 And the low-power double bind[br]means that we have a narrow range, 0:05:17.257,0:05:18.878 and we lack power. 0:05:19.091,0:05:20.066 We have a narrow range, 0:05:20.252,0:05:22.099 and our double bind is very large. 0:05:22.492,0:05:24.851 So we need to find ways[br]to expand our range. 0:05:25.062,0:05:26.232 And over the last couple decades, 0:05:26.456,0:05:29.428 my colleagues and I have found[br]two things really matter. 0:05:30.075,0:05:31.118 The first: 0:05:31.298,0:05:34.011 you seem powerful in your own eyes. 0:05:34.495,0:05:35.813 The second: 0:05:35.993,0:05:37.744 you seem powerful in the eyes of others. 0:05:37.964,0:05:40.271 When I feel powerful, 0:05:40.479,0:05:41.950 I feel confident not fearful; 0:05:42.194,0:05:44.045 I expand in my own range. 0:05:44.209,0:05:46.803 When other people see me as powerful, 0:05:46.997,0:05:49.324 they grant me a wider range. 0:05:49.526,0:05:53.853 So we need tools to expand[br]our range of acceptable behavior. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I'm going to give you[br]a set of tools today. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Speaking up is risky, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but these tools will lower[br]your risk of speaking up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So the first tool I'm going to give you[br]got discovered in negotiations 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in an important finding. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 On average, women make less[br]ambitions offers, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and get worse outcomes than men[br]at the bargaining table. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But [hanerelli bowles][br]and [Emily Monatula] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 have discovered there's one situation 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 where women get the same outcomes as men[br]and are just as ambitious. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's when they advocate for others. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And when they advocate for others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they discover their own range[br]and expand it in their own mind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They become more assertive. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now this is sometimes called[br]"the mama bear effect." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like a mama bear defending her cubs, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when we advocate for others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we can discover our own voice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But sometimes we have to[br]advocated for ourselves. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How do we do that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And one of the most important tools[br]we have to advocate for ourselves 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is something called "perspective-taking." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And perspective-taking is really simple: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's simply looking at the world[br]through the eyes of another person. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it's one of the most important[br]tools we have to expand our range. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I take your perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I think about what you really want, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you're more likely to give me[br]what I really want. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But here's the problem. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Perspective-taking is hard to do. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So let's do a little experiment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want you all to hold[br]your hand just like this: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 your finger -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 put it up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I want you to draw a capital[br]letter E on your forehead 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 as quickly as possible. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK, it turns out that we can[br]draw this E in one of two ways; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and this was originally designed[br]as a test of perspective-taking. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm going to show you two pictures[br]of someone with an E on their forehead: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 my former student Erica Hall. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And you can see over here, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that's the correct E. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I drew the E so it looks like and E[br]to another person. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's the perspective-taking E 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because it looks like an E[br]from someone else's vantage point. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But this is over here[br]is the self-focused E. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And we often get self-focused. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And we particularly get[br]self-focused in a crisis. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want to tell you about[br]a particular crisis. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A man walks into a bank[br]in Watsonville, California. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm[br]blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now the bank manager[br]didn't give him the money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She took a step back. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She took his perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and she noticed something[br]really important. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He asked for a specific amount of money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he said, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "My friend's going to be evicted[br]unless I get him $2,000 immediately." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And said, "Oh! You don't[br]want to rob the bank, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you want to take out a loan." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Why don't you come back to my office, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we can have you[br]fill out the paperwork." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, he quick perspective-taking[br]diffused a volatile situation. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So when we take someone's perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it allows us to be[br]ambitious and assertive, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but still be likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Here's another way to be assertive[br]but still be likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And that is to signal flexibility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now imagine you're a car salesperson[br]and you want to sell someone a car. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You're going to more likely make the sale[br]if you give them two options. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let's say option A: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 $24,000 for this car[br]and a five-year warranty. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or option B: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 $23,000 and a three-year warranty. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My research shows that when you give[br]people choice among options, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it lowers their defenses, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they're more likely[br]to accept your offer. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this doesn't just[br]work with sales people; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it works with parents. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When my neice was four, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she resisted getting dressed[br]and rejected everything. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But then my sister-in-law[br]had a brilliant idea. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What if I gave my daughter a choice? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This shirt or that shirt? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK, that shirt. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This pant or that pant? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK, that pant. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it worked brilliantly. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She got dressed quickly[br]and without resistance. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I've asked the question[br]around the world, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when people feel comfortable speaking up, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the number one answer is: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when I have social support in my audience. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I have allies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So we want to get allies on our side. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How do we do that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Well, one of the ways[br]is being a mama bear. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we advocate for others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we expand our range in our own eyes[br]and the eyes of others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but we also earn strong allies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Another way that we[br]can earn strong allies, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 especially in high places, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is by asking other people for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we ask other for advice, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they like us because we flatter them, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we're expressing humility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this really works to solve[br]another double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And that's the self-promotion double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The self-promotion double bind 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is that if we don't advertise[br]our accomplishments, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 no one notices. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And if we do, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we're not likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But if we ask for advice about[br]one of our accomplishments, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we are able to be competent[br]in their eyes but also be likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this is so powerful, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it even works when you see it coming. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There have been multiple times in life[br]when I have been forewarned 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that a low-power person has been given[br]the advice to come ask me for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I want to notice[br]three things about this. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 First, I knew they were going[br]to come ask me for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Two, I've actually done research[br]on the strategic benefits 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of asking for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And three, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it still worked. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I took their perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I became more invested in their calls, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I became more committed to them[br]because they asked for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now another time we feel more[br]confident speaking up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is when we have expertise. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Expertise gives up credibility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now when we have high power, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we already have credibility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We only need good evidence. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we lack power, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we don't have the credibility, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we need excellent evidence. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And one of the ways that we can[br]come across as an expert 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is by tapping into our passion. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want everyone in the next few days[br]to go up to friend of theirs, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and just say to them, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I want you to describe[br]a passion of yours to me." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've had people do this all over the world 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I asked them, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "What did you notice about the other[br]person when the described their passion?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the answers are always the same. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Their eyes lit up and got big! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They smiled a big beaming smile. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They used their hand all over -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I had to duck because their[br]hands were coming at me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They talk quickly[br]with a little higher pitch. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they leaned in as if[br]telling me a secret." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And then I said to them, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "What happened to you[br]as you listened to their passion?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they said, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "My eyes lit up! 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I smiled, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I leaned in." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we tap into our passion, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we give ourselves the courage,[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and our own [audience], 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to speak up, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but we also get the permission[br]from others to speak up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And tapping into our passion even works[br]when we come across as too weak. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Both men and women get punished[br]at work when they shed tears. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But [Lizzie Wolf] has shown 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that when we frame our strong[br]emotions as passion, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the condemnation of our crying[br]disappears for both men and women. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want to end with a few words[br]from my late father 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that he spoke at my twin[br]brother's wedding. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And here's a picture of us. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My dad was a psychologist like me, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but his real love and his real[br]passion was cinema, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like my brother. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And so he wrote a speech[br]for my brother's wedding 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 about the roles we play[br]in the human comedy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he said, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "The lighter you touch, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the better you become at proving[br]and enriching your performance. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Those who embrace their roles, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and work to improve their performance, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 grow, change and expand the self. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Play it well, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and your days will be mostly joyful." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And what my dad was saying 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is that we've all been assigned[br]ranges and roles in this world, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but he was also saying[br]the essence of this talk. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Those roles and ranges are constantly[br]expanding and evolving. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So when a scene calls for it, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 be a ferocious mama bear 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and a humble advice seeker. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Have excellent evidence and strong allies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Be a passionate perspective-taker. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And if you use those tools -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and each and every one of you[br]can use these tools -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you will expand your range[br]of acceptable behavior, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and your days will mostly be joyful. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Applause)