9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Speaking up is hard to do. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I understood the true meaning[br]of this phrase exactly one month ago, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when my wife and I became new parents. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it was an amazing moment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was exhilarating and elating, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but it was also scary and terrifying. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it got particularly terrifying[br]when we got home from the hospital. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And we were unsure 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 whether our little baby boy was getting[br]enough nutrients from breastfeeding. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And we wanted to call our pediatrician, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but we also didn't want to make[br]a bad first impression, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or come across as a crazy,[br]neurotic parent. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So we worried and we waited. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we got to the doctor's[br]office the next day, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she immediately gave him formula[br]because he was pretty dehydrated. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Our son is fine now, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and our doctor has reassured us[br]we can always contact her, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but in that moment, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I should've spoken up, but I didn't. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But sometimes we speak up[br]when we shouldn't, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I learned that over 10 years ago[br]when I let my twin brother down. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My twin brother is[br]a documentary filmmaker, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and for one of his first films, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he got an offer from[br]a distribution company. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he was excited, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and he was inclined to accept the offer, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but as a negotiations researcher, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I insisted he make a counteroffer, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I helped him craft the perfect one. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it was perfect -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it was perfectly insulting. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The company was so offended, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they literally withdrew the offer, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and my brother was left with nothing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I've asked people all over the world[br]about this dilemma of speaking up, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when they can assert themselves, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when they can push their interests, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when they can express and opinion, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when they can make an ambitious ask. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the range of stories[br]are varied and diverse, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but they also make up[br]a universal tapestry. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Can I correct my boss[br]when they make a mistake? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Can I confront my coworker who[br]keeps stepping on my toes? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Can I challenge my friends[br]in sensitive joke? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Can I tell the person I love the most[br]my deepest insecurities? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And through these experiences, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've come to recognize 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that each of us have something called[br]a range of acceptable behavior. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now sometimes we're too strong; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we push ourselves too much. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's what happened with my brother. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Even making an offer was outside[br]his range of acceptable behavior. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But sometimes we're too weak. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's what happened with my wife and I. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this range of acceptable behaviour -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when we start within our range, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we're rewarded. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we step outside that range, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we get punished in a variety of ways. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We get dismissed or demeaned, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or even ostracized. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or we lose that raise,[br]or that promotion or that deal. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now the first thing we need to know is: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 what is my range? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But the key thing is[br]our range isn't fixed; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's actually pretty dynamic. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It expands and it narrows[br]based on the context. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And there's one thing that determines[br]that range more than anything else; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and that's your power. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Your power determines your range. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What is power? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Power comes in lots of forms. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 In negotiations it comes[br]in the form of alternatives. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So my brother had no alternatives, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he lacked power; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the company had lots of alternatives, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they had power. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sometimes it's being new to a new country, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like an immigrant. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or new to an organization, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or new to an experience, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 like my wife and I as new parents. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sometimes it's at work, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or someone's the boss[br]and someone's the subordinate. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sometimes it's in relationships, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 where one person's more invested[br]than the other person. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the key thing is that when[br]we have lots of power, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 our range is very wide. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But when we lack power, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 our range narrows. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We have very little leeway. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the problem is that when[br]our range narrows 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that produces something called[br]the low-power double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the low-power double bind happens when 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 if don't speak up we go unnoticed, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but if we do speak up we get punished. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now many of you have heard[br]the phrase the "double bind" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and connected it with one thing, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and that's gender. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The gender double bind is women[br]who don't speak up go unnoticed, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and women who do speak up get punished. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the key thing is that women have[br]the same need as men to speak up, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but they have barriers to doing so. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But what my research has shown[br]over the last two decades 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is that what looks[br]like a gender difference 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is not really a gender double bind, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's a really a low-power double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And what looks like a gender difference 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 are really often just power[br]differences in disguise. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Often times we see a man[br]and a woman, or men and women, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we think: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 biological cause. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's something fundamentally[br]different about the sexes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But in study after study, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I've found that a better explanation[br]for many sex differences 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is really power. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And so it's the low-power double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the low-power double bind[br]means that we have a narrow range, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we lack power. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We have a narrow range, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and our double bind is very large. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So we need to find ways[br]to expand our range. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And over the last couple decades, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 my colleagues and I have found[br]two things really matter. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The first: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you seem powerful in your own eyes. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The second: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you seem powerful in the eyes of others. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I feel powerful, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I feel confident not fearful; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I expand in my own range. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When other people see me as powerful, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they grant me a wider range. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So we need tools to expand[br]our range of acceptable behavior. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I'm going to give you[br]a set of tools today. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Speaking up is risky, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but these tools will lower[br]your risk of speaking up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So the first tool I'm going to give you[br]got discovered in negotiations 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in an important finding. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 On average, women make less[br]ambitions offers, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and get worse outcomes than men[br]at the bargaining table. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But [hanerelli bowles][br]and [Emily Monatula] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 have discovered there's one situation 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 where women get the same outcomes as men[br]and are just as ambitious. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's when they advocate for others. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And when they advocate for others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they discover their own range[br]and expand it in their own mind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They become more assertive. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now this is sometimes called[br]"the mama bear effect." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Like a mama bear defending her cubs, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when we advocate for others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we can discover our own voice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But sometimes we have to[br]advocated for ourselves. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How do we do that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And one of the most important tools[br]we have to advocate for ourselves 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is something called "perspective-taking." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And perspective-taking is really simple: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it's simply looking at the world[br]through the eyes of another person. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it's one of the most important[br]tools we have to expand our range. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I take your perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I think about what you really want, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you're more likely to give me[br]what I really want. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But here's the problem. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Perspective-taking is hard to do. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So let's do a little experiment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want you all to hold[br]your hand just like this: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 your finger -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 put it up. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I want you to draw a capital[br]letter E on your forehead 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 as quickly as possible. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK, it turns out that we can[br]draw this E in one of two ways; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and this was originally designed[br]as a test of perspective-taking. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'm going to show you two pictures[br]of someone with an E on their forehead: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 my former student Erica Hall. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And you can see over here, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that's the correct E. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I drew the E so it looks like and E[br]to another person. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 That's the perspective-taking E 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because it looks like an E[br]from someone else's vantage point. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But this is over here[br]is the self-focused E. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And we often get self-focused. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And we particularly get[br]self-focused in a crisis. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want to tell you about[br]a particular crisis. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A man walks into a bank[br]in Watsonville, California. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he says, "Give me $2,000 or I'm[br]blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now the bank manager[br]didn't give him the money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She took a step back. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She took his perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and she noticed something[br]really important. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He asked for a specific amount of money. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?" 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And he said, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "My friend's going to be evicted[br]unless I get him $2,000 immediately." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And said, "Oh! You don't[br]want to rob the bank, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 you want to take out a loan." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "Why don't you come back to my office, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we can have you[br]fill out the paperwork." 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 (Laughter) 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now, he quick perspective-taking[br]diffused a volatile situation. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So when we take someone's perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it allows us to be[br]ambitious and assertive, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but still be likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Here's another way to be assertive[br]but still be likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And that is to signal flexibility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now imagine you're a car salesperson[br]and you want to sell someone a car. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 You're going to more likely make the sale[br]if you give them two options. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Let's say option A: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 $24,000 for this car[br]and a five-year warranty. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Or option B: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 $23,000 and a three-year warranty. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My research shows that when you give[br]people choice among options, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it lowers their defenses, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and they're more likely[br]to accept your offer. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this doesn't just[br]work with sales people; 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it works with parents. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When my neice was four, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 she resisted getting dressed[br]and rejected everything. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But then my sister-in-law[br]had a brilliant idea. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What if I gave my daughter a choice? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This shirt or that shirt? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK, that shirt. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This pant or that pant? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 OK, that pant. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it worked brilliantly. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 She got dressed quickly[br]and without resistance. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I've asked the question[br]around the world, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when people feel comfortable speaking up, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the number one answer is: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 when I have social support in my audience. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I have allies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So we want to get allies on our side. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How do we do that? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Well, one of the ways[br]is being a mama bear. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we advocate for others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we expand our range in our own eyes[br]and the eyes of others, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but we also earn strong allies. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Another way that we[br]can earn strong allies, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 especially in high places, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is by asking other people for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we ask other for advice, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they like us because we flatter them, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and we're expressing humility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this really works to solve[br]another double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And that's the self-promotion double bind. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The self-promotion double bind 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is that if we don't advertise[br]our accomplishments, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 no one notices. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And if we do, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we're not likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But if we ask for advice about[br]one of our accomplishments, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we are able to be competent[br]in their eyes but also be likeable. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this is so powerful, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it even works when you see it coming. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There have been multiple times in life[br]when I have been forewarned 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that a low-power person has been given[br]the advice to come ask me for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I want to notice[br]three things about this. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 First, I knew they were going[br]to come ask me for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Two, I've actually done research[br]on the strategic benefits 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of asking for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And three, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it still worked. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I took their perspective, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I became more invested in their calls, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I became more committed to them[br]because they asked for advice. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now another time we feel more[br]confident speaking up 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is when we have expertise. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Expertise gives up credibility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now when we have high power, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we already have credibility. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We only need good evidence. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When we lack power, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we don't have the credibility, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 we need excellent evidence. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And one of the ways that we can[br]come across as an expert 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 is by tapping into our passion. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I want everyone in the next few days[br]to go up to friend of theirs, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and just say to them, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 "I want you to describe[br]a passion of yours to me."